Previously on Living Lohan, Ali was undeservedly lauded by all as she began recording her first single in Vegas. But can she mature as an artist when dropping beats with her babysitter-turned-producer Jeremy Greene?
We start where we left off in Vegas, where Ali has recorded one song for her forthcoming smash-hit-sensation album, whose working title is The Greatest Album in the World! Ali pauses her grueling work schedule to get pretty for a recording date with her manboy crush Jeremy Greene. She admits it will be weird to see him after their last altercation, when he planted an ambiguous item about Lindsay and himself in the tabs. Despite some lost trust, she is willing to give him another chance because of his "talent."
Cue the douchebag! Jeremy saunters around The Studio at The Palms, already miffed that she's getting her hair done instead of waiting for him with breath that is bated. She leaves her pampering looking exactly the same as when she started, except for with a few more slutty extension ringlets.
As Jeremy waits, Ali's vocal coach Sue and one of the sound engineers tell him how much Ali's voice has matured and her confidence grown since he saw her last. Guys, she's not in the room; save your ass-smoke blowing for later... Jeremy gets all hot-shot record producer and asks them to disregard their personal feelings for her and tell him whether she's ready on a business level. Of course, whether he's the best person to preach about separating business from personal -- when he so obviously finagled, nay faked a story about his personal life to get ahead in business, well that's up for discussion...
Jeremy barrels right into the theme that he's a big, pushy bully by pointing out that Ali's only 14 years old. Sue says she's not mentally that age. He agrees she's more like a 27-year-old, which I guess is the magic age where people get really business-savvy. And let me tell you, as a 26-year-old, I am counting down the days until the magic happens and the cash-money starts rolling in. Sue tells Jeremy that Ali knows what she wants and will not be stopped. Jeremy makes a note to pay attention to any concrete mixers, sharp objects and ticking sounds the time he has a run-in with the LoHos.
Dina-saur enters and gives Jeremy a big hug. Now that the real boss is in the room, he knee-jerks a "You look fabulous!" and drops his cocky head-honcho demeanor. Dina-saur props him up with some compliments then knocks him right into his place, telling him this is serious business. She ends by saying she's giving him "The Mom Talk," which is an awesomely concise way of saying, "You're my bitch, bitch." She tells him to set everything up while she heads out to get Ali, and he hops to, all, "Yes Ma'am!" This shit was so not happening with Eman. Just the first of many signs that Jeremy is not cut out for the task to come.
Dina-saur interviews that this is not star-maker time for Jeremy and that she needs him to prove he can handle the pressure of the studio. You know, the place where he'll have to make decisions a little bit tougher than Easy Mac versus Rice-a-Roni for the kids' dinner. She practically grabs her crotch to show dominance as she says she doesn't care what he does own his time (because she can just sue the shit out of him for those screw-ups). She wants, she says, a "home run."
Ali enters the studio, and Jeremy asks her if she's ready to work. "Now?" she asks. No, dipstick, let's kill a couple more thousand bucks while you go get your nails done. Ali VOs that the vibe with Jeremy is different than it was with Eman, but she's convinced she'll make a good song.
They rehearse the song. Ali questions whether she's in tune on a note, and Jeremy whips around like a slapped puppy, waiting for Dina-saur's approval, but Dina-saur stays out of it. Jeremy sends Ali into the booth. We again hear Dina-saur's spiel about trusting the producer and leaving during creative time. She's confident Ali knows what she wants after her life-changing two days with Eman.
Now that Dina-saur is gone, Jeremy resumes his HBIC act and does exactly what she warned against, bragging about his MySpace music page. Ali's all ready to go, but she notices that Jeremy is too busy stroking his own ego to produce her record. He wastes God knows how much time and money playing his songs for the unimpressed Maloof Music honchos. Ali sits in her director's chair and mopes that Jeremy is simultaneously ignoring her and unabashedly promoting himself on her dime. Jeremy has forgotten the #1 Commandment: It's ALL about Ali.
Moments later, and with absolutely no irony, Jeremy harps on Ali that they only have six hours and that the pressure's on her. He puts on the fearless-leader guise to make sure she knows he is the only person who can guide her through this process. Basically, he's the opposite of Eman, who actually knew how to work with Ali's brand of semi-talented prima donna. So, this should be fun...
And for the four-hundredth time since last episode, we again see shots of people sunning and swimming at The Palms pool. I guess that's the only thing that happens in Vegas that's allowed to leave Vegas. Meanwhile, Dina-saur does yogalates. She says she doesn't often find time for herself (like that time she almost let her children and home burn down while she was at a magazine cover launch party...that wasn't about her at all!), but she's using Ali's hours in the studio to relax. Dina-saur struggles through the class and admits that she hasn't stayed in good shape while managing her kids' careers. She runs while the trainer taunts her. (Probably because she's wearing her hair down. Who does that?)
We return to the studio where Jeremy takes a food break, despite no actual evidence of progress. In his absence, Ali sings much better than usual (and a cappella, at that). Jeremy VOs that she isn't doing much, just learning the vocal. He then draws on his skads of experience producing MySpace hits to tell one of the tech guys that putting together a whole album is a lot of work, perhaps too much for a 14-year-old.
As she and Sue practice, Ali comes to the not-at-all-contrived realization that she feels weird singing Jeremy's song. Sue tries to squelch the impending inferno by suggesting they change the key. She then somewhat frantically tells Ali to try it again. I bet experience has shown her that, if she pushes Ali into an activity that requires brain power (such as remembering lyrics), Ali will just forget. But no such luck, as Ali now refuses to sing the song at all because it has too much of a guy's sensibility.
Over in the lounge, Jeremy prattles on about how much he and Ali have talked about what direction she wants to take the album (while he was braiding her hair and telling her ghost stories, I'm guessing). In the studio, Ali tries to pretend that Jeremy's a nice guy -- and not a grade-A jerk-off -- but Sue says it's not about Jeremy and nervously checks that he isn't coming in to hear this discussion.
Ali eventually gets to the heart of the matter: Jeremy treated her with less than 100% subservience earlier. She says she doesn't want to be rushed (or, implicitly, treated like less of a princess than she really is) while recording her breakout song. Elsewhere, Jeremy persists with his masturbation-like self-promotion as he talks about his many other projects. Though he covers his ass by adding that Ali is his main focus right now. What a dickweed. I mean, I never trust the simpering edits they give Ali or Dina-saur, but I'm pretty sure the story editors didn't have to work very hard to do a hatchet job on this guy.
Ali continues to voice her concerns about the track. Now that she's spent two whole days recording (not to mention performing Ashlee Simpson-style on an empty stage), she believes she has figured her artistic identity and cannot get behind this song. She grabs her bag and flees the scene as Sue promises to talk to Dina-saur. Jeremy walks back in. But where's Ali?
More sunbathing beauties, then Dina-saur and Cody greet a hotel executive in their suite. Dina-saur VOs that Cody is ridiculously bored. The exec invites them up to "wish happy birthday to an important guest." And who would that guest be? Why it's Hugh Hefner himself! But first we see Holly Madison, Hef's Number One Girlfriend, and one of the three Girls Door (another of E!'s impressively un-self-aware guilty pleasures).
Cody hides behind Dina-saur as two massive bags of saline otherwise known as Holly come flying at him. Dina-saur says, "We love your show... big fans." And wouldn't you know Dina-saur is the kind of mom to watch a show about Playboy bunnies with her kids? All Cody can stutter out in his interview is that Hef's girlfriends are very pretty. Cue Girlfriend #3, Kendra, who will serve as the conductor on Cody's train wreck of a life. She asks if they've seen the hot tub.
Before Cody has to worry about wearing a bathing suit in mixed company or doubling over trying to hide an unsightly boner, Hef enters the room. Hef is charmingly gregarious with little Cody, but the boy can't get a word out as he is surrounded by boobs. They take a picture while Cody VOs that, unlike Hef, he's a one-woman kind of guy. Look at that, he cracked a joke! How cute! Of course, his woman at present is a soccer ball, but we'll just hope it's a phase.
We return to the studio, where everyone is singing Eman's praises while Jeremy tries to thug-walk around and exert his masculinity. Everyone pipes down as he enters the room, except Ali, who greets him entirely too enthusiastically. Way to put on your poker face, A-Lo. Sue gets to break the news that Ali has vetoed the song. Ali explains her reservations to Jeremy, and he's totally thrown. He tries to talk her down, but just like in their last confrontation, Ali won't let him get a word in edgewise. Congratulations, Mr. Big Producer Man, you've been out-argued by a 14-year-old girl...twice.
Jeremy reveals that an a-hole can't change his stripes by insinuating that Ali's trying to get out of the song because it's too hard. She worsens the situation as she explains that she is having difficulty wrapping her tiny mind around the demo because it was sung by a man, unlike on Eman's female-sung demo. Jeremy repeats that idiotic statement back to her, like "Are you kidding me?" Ali shoots a baffled look over to Sue, who gives her the "Shut up while you're ahead" face and digs her out of that hole. Then Ali pulls out the trump card, saying Dina-saur said from the beginning that the song wasn't right for her.
Jeremy continues pushing his song and asks Ali to just bang it out. But Ali has decided to take her first stab at independence (by using her mother and vocal coach as crutches), and she will not be denied! She huffs out, leaving Jeremy, the tech crew, and the executive in her dust. Jeremy interviews that Ali's excuses were crap. He tells the engineer he was insulted and launches into some big talk (when no one named Lohan is in the room, natch) about how, "If that'd been an adult, it would be on!" He takes off, underscored (and, indeed, undermined) by a condescending interview that he needs to "find a way to calm this child down."
Back at the Playboy Suite, Dina-saur shoots the bull with Hef and The Girls. She pimps Ali's recording endeavors, then talks about Lindsay, telling Hef that Lindsay is also in the studio for a new album. (Cover your ears!) Hef asks Dina-saur to send his regards to Lindsay. And I'm pretty sure Dina-saur is one of a handful of mothers in America that are okay with a porn king knowing their daughters personally. Dina-saur calls Hef sweet as they leave, clearly attempting to land a spread in Playboy's upcoming Cougar edition.
Back at the scene of the grim, Jeremy knocks on the door of Ali's (empty) hotel room. He entreats her by insisting he's a busy man. No, son, you are not busy, and you do not have "stuff" to do. I think we're all aware by now that your only gig is to massage these women's oversized egos and occasionally do their laundry. Failing that, it's back to Waterville. So drop the act already, and give the little diva a new song. Jeremy apes confidence as he tells her that her behavior is unbecoming of up-and-coming stars. As if he has a better grasp of self-styling than a Lohan. Say what you will, but Ali actually has recorded an album -- albeit a Christmas one with a dramatic reading by Dina-saur. That makes the score Ali 1, Jeremy Greene 0.
Back in the studio, the Maloof executive tries to mitigate the situation and issue a ceasefire on finger pointing. Jeremy hangs onto the bitterness a little longer, saying he wishes Ali would have just gotten it over with. He concludes with the most trite of all reality TV surrender flag statements: "It is what it is." However, still trying to fashion himself as a superman and super-producer, he says he can "save the day" because he has a track with a female voice on it. Why didn't the asshat think of this solution, like, an hour ago and save us all some grief?
Jeremy gives a shit-eating grin as he interviews that he'll pander to Ali's desire to be (insert mocking finger quotes here) "hip-hop" by giving her a track with "urban flair." Dear God, that sounds like something they tell inner city TGI Fridays employees to wear. He continues to expose his enormous and undeserved ego by saying she's going to really have to work for this song (and, thus, elevate herself to his level of talent and expertise). And I am telling you, I never thought I'd applaud the finesse of someone named Eman, but that guy knew what he was doing. Have all these years of watching terrible reality TV made me pliable like clay or what?
Jeremy plays the track, which is about as hip-hop as a marshmallow. Executive lady could not care less, but Jeremy suggests he play it for Ali immediately. Exec lady suspects Ali is done for the day -- a kind way of saying, "You're out, scumbag." But, because his ass is on the line, Jeremy desperately pushes to call Ali. And yet, as he walks out to make the call, Jeremy even mouths off to Exec Lady a bit. Seriously, dude, you are not making any friends. Zip. It.
Jeremy makes the call, and it's obviously Ali who picks up, but Jeremy loses more points by calling her Dina. The icy tone in her voice reveals that she has closed the short and tragic chapter of her life, entitled "Jeremy Greene: The Douche Who Loved Me." Oblivious, Jeremy tries to sell her the new track, saying that everybody loves it (lie), and that it's amazing (lie). He invites her downstairs to hear it. She gives him the kiss-off, saying he's really cool (lie) and really nice (lie), but that it's not working out.
He hangs up, presumably waits a beat to make sure Dina-saur's nowhere near, then tries to make it look like he came to this decision on his own and wasn't just fired. He exits with the same staunch professionalism as he entered, dropping some expletives for good measure. He even gets a chastising music out-cue, with lyrics including "You got your big ideas/They're not as big as mine/...You can't do that to me!" And fancy that, it works on both levels! Jeremy saunters down the hallway, back to obscurity, and Ali nonchalantly packs her bags. That's right, missy, you hightail it out of there before Dina-saur catches on that you made a decision on your own.
Later, the bathing beauties filler shots are replaced by The Palms cleaning staff, presaging the clean-up job Dina-saur has ahead of her. That will have to wait, though, because Dina-saur's taking a break from her "hectic" life to get her hair and nails done. Of course, while she's recuperating from such crazy responsibilities as yoga class, meeting Hugh Hefner, and visiting the Liberace Museum, actual shit is going down. Funny that.
The nail artist earns her tip by asking when Ali's album drops. Dina-saur says Ali's single should be out in a couple of months and that Lindsay's third album should be out in July. 50% success rate...good enough. Dina-saur claims to be juggling the two-production schedule, and Nail Girl kisses up more by saying it must be hard work. The scene ends with a dramatic zoom on a quartet of nail polish bottles. Dina-saur must have run through a lot of that stuff clawing her way to the middle.
Finally done with her frenetic day being Super Momager, Dina-saur returns to the studio and asks, "How did it go?" Sue and Ali awkwardly laugh as they break the news that it didn't exactly "go." Dina-saur doesn't miss a beat before issuing a big "I told you so," then tries to figure out what changed for Ali. She wonders how they can salvage the money and time lost while she was out pampering herself and starfucking.
She places the blame squarely on Ali's shoulders for championing the song, then changing her mind. Dina-saur makes Ali promise she won't have another change of heart tomorrow, then offers to "clean up the mess." Dina-saur moans about not wanting to be a stage mom but says she does what she must for her kids. We see shots of Ali pretending she can play the piano as she says she feels bad for Jeremy but cannot, as a real artist, sing a song she doesn't believe in. Still, swears Ali and her thigh-baring short-shorts, she's feeling the pressure to produce tracks.
Now it's up to Dina-saur to call Phil Maloof and tell him that Ali squandered a whole day on Jeremy's track. She says they need to find another track, stat, and suggests that Eman worked out well last time. Then, backed by some serious cojones, she tells Maloof -- the CEO of the music company that is giving her incompetent singer of a daughter the money to produce this crappy demo -- that he has a week to find another song. And...scene.
week: Ali returns to the studio with Eman. She is strategically obscured as she channels her inner torch singer on a slow jam. Her suddenly skillful voice sounds a bit tampered by effects. Innnnteresting. Cody uses Dina-saur's Rockette past against her and arranges an impromptu dance concert. Dina-saur claims to feel ill as a crowd of expectant soccer moms wait to see her kick it old-school.
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