Today was mid-summer cleaning time at the Lady LoHouse, so it's only fitting that my day should end just as it began -- with trash. And now for your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen...Living Lohan.
We open in everyone's favorite family suburb. But we won't be here much longer because the LoHos are Vegas-bound, baby! As they finish packing, Dina-saur interviews that they're heading to Las Vegas to record Ali's album. Before they can even get out the door, tragedy strikes! We hear a crash, followed by the yapping of the LoHos' 137 dogs. Upstairs, Ali winces on the bathroom floor after falling down and hurting her ankle. And the hits just keep coming -- something I'm confident will NOT be said about Ali's forthcoming album -- as a heavy garment rack topples over on Dina-saur.
Dina-saur stresses about being late as Cody and Ali unsuccessfully vie for her attention. Insert file footage of a plane taking off, then several stock Vegas shots. Mark that the end of this episode's first completely fabricated and easily resolved "crisis." Is there a reality TV show crisis quota? Ali, Cody, and Dina-saur drive down The Strip in a limo. Cody leads the way as they head into The Palms. First stop: The Playboy Club. And all of a sudden I bet coming to Vegas doesn't seem like such a bad idea to him. A Palms honcho leads them into their penthouse suite, and Cody marvels that there is a TV in every room. Yeah, take note, little man. This will be your entertainment for the two weeks while Dina-saur pile drives Ali's career forward. Dina-saur suggests they go to sleep, and Cody belly flops onto the bed. In about 15 minutes, Dina-saur will be dancing on a table at ghostbar.
The day is met with gratuitous shots of half-naked people at The Palms' pool. Alexis joins the LoHos as they head to a party that The Maloofs are throwing to celebrate Ali's forthcoming aural calamity... er... I mean hip-hop tour de force. Alexis sucks up to Dina-saur, saying she looks hot. Dina-saur feigns humility. And, seriously, if we're meant to believe Dina-saur 's claim that, "Hot is not in [her] vocabulary," then I'll be a monkey's uncle because that woman used to be a Rockette. She knows a thing or two about working the goods.
Up in one The Palms' Sky Villas, the LoHos and Alexis enter the room to a standing ovation. Ali smiles -- because, unlike her mother, she knows that it's good form to acknowledge when your toadies are buttering you up. They greet the three Maloofs as Dina-saur enthuses that she and Ali are really excited to work with them.
, they cozy up to songwriter/record producer Emanuel "Eman" (rhymes with "Heman") Kiriakou, who will produce one of Ali's tracks. Dina-saur VOs that Eman worked with Celine Dion. Who just happens to be the first person that pops into my head when I think of young, fresh hip-hop artists. Second, of course, would be Clay Aiken -- another of Eman's collaborators. Dina-saur says that working with Eman will take Ali to the level. And if you look how at the magic he worked for J.C. Chasez, Taylor Hicks, and Katharine McPhee... solid gold!
A Maloof breaks up the festivities to natter on about how Ali is just a bundle of awesome and how she's going to end world hunger -- or some similar sycophantic nonsense -- but I'm hypnotized by a guy over his left shoulder who looks like he might have won third place in the "White Lil' Jon Impersonator" contest. If winners like that guy are involved with this album, it's going to go straight to the top of the charts! But only if Dina-saur reprises her role as a dramatic reader.
They bring out a cake shaped like a record, and Ali flashes her hoo-ha to the whole crowd as she bends over to blow out the candles -- in a minidress. Moments later, a Maloof asks what kind of music Ali wants to make. She continues to chase the ill-conceived dream of being a hip-hop maven. Another Maloof then asks if she plans on writing since that's where the money is. I shudder to imagine the nonsense circling the drain of Ali Lohan's brain. Then add music? That puts the "sin" in "Sin City."
While the others fawn, Ali and her 47 pounds of makeup give a required-by-contract interview about how Dina-saur's not really a pushy stage mom, she's just trying to help her totally normal and all-American, but amazingly talented, kids follow their dreams. A clever editor calls "bullshit" by breaking the fourth wall and showing the camera crew as Ali delivers this information, thereby making us totally aware that this is meaningless boilerplate.
Slow fade to the lights of Vegas, Ali tells Alexis that it's overwhelming to be the center of so many people's attention, but that she's getting used to it. She confesses in an interview that she's feeling the pressure and hopes she doesn't mess up. Fateful words, my pancake-faced friend... Later back in the room, Dina-saur gives Ali a necklace -- a heart with angel wings. Then she gives her Ali the full-on Rose Hovick speech, telling her that things are going to get crazy, but if they do (say it with me now!), "Mommy will fix it."
The day, Ali hits the recording studio. If you have a sensitive stomach, you might should turn away now. Dina-saur sits down with some record label execs. Record exec guy tells Dina-saur Ali needs to remain focused while recording because she won't be able to rest on her fame and "talent" (his words, not mine). He says Ali will be under a time crunch and under a microscope because they this record to kickstart her career.
Dina-saur goes into Mom Mode, reminding them that Ali's only 14 years old, though her amazing "talent" (again, her words, not mine) sometimes blinds people to that fact. She suggests they need to find a balance between Ali's "talent" and her youth. In short, they'll need to take it as given that Ali will have freak outs, asthma attacks, and tantrums when she discovers that the unduly seductive croaking she calls singing isn't really that easy on the ears. Dina-saur says they'll put out a great album if they find that "balance." Record exec guy gives Dina-saur a "Bitch, please" face.
Meeting adjourned, Dina-saur joins Ali to go over their game plan. Ali reveals that she criticizes herself a lot. She knows she faces stiff competition and will have to be practically perfect to make it. Of course, that doesn't account for the prolonged success of, say, David Hasselhoff (in Germany), but I'll let it slide. Dina-saur tells Ali to be herself. Eman fires up the sound board while I wonder how Ali being herself (a vapid 14-year-old prima donna) is going to translate into chart topping hip-hop jams.
Shots of slot machines convey the gambling motif as we discover whether Ali will hit the jackpot with only her inferior talent as ante. Ali practices her first track with the piano, gets the go-ahead from Eman, and heads into the booth. Dina-saur then pulls a reverse Archuleta, explaining that she leaves the room during the recording sessions because she trusts the producer's judgment.
An overproduced synth jam fills my speakers as Ali proceeds to sing in a faux husky, uniformly flat tone. She beats the producers to the punch with some fishing self-criticism. She cops to some nerves since "it's been a long time since [she] was in the studio." On the second take, though, she really emotes and even throws in a "Yeah" to make the end of the first verse really pop. Rounds of applause and a shower of compliments ensue. She moves to another part of the song with some tricky note jumps, and, oh... it's rough. She squeaks some unintended sharps, then cuts herself down. The producers tell her to stop criticizing herself. Mainly, though, because time is money, and her self-flagellation is eating it up.
Elsewhere in the hotel, Dina-saur has planned a fun day for the Cody to make her for him being away from home. They drive down The Strip and check out the sights. Cody points out New York, New York first. Then they head for lunch with magician and (I'm guessing) face lift enthusiast Lance Burton. He does some tricks that impress the LoHos. Then he tells Cody he has a great marquee name. Oh, Lance, don't you know that Dina-saur only whores out her female children.
Back at the studio, Ali and her vocal Sue couch goof around, much to the chagrin of the suits. They put her back to work, and Ali immediately biffs the first verse. Eman tries to get her to be a professional and sing through; even Sue tells her to cut the crap, grousing in an interview about Ali's perfectionism. Ali does some riffs for practice, and the producers say they were good, but Ali's beyond frustrated with her performance. She takes off her headphones and goes into meltdown mode. Commercials.
Back in Vegas, while everyone else lounges around by the pool, Ali slaves away in the studio. She sings the same three notes over and over again. It's as compelling as it sounds. She continues to tear herself down, but Eman gives her the sage advice not to judge herself -- that's his job. While she freaks out in the booth, Eman explains her thought processes with the Maloofs. Then he slips a $100 bill in his pocket when he adds something about the greatest singers being the hardest working ones.
Dina-saur and Cody are back at the hotel. He's holding a soccer ball. (Take a shot.) He complains that there isn't any soccer in Vegas. Instead, he gets his kicks by playing arcade games with Dina-saur. Then they head to the wax museum, where Cody putts by Tiger Woods and shoots hoops with Michael Jordan. Dina-saur VOs that Cody deserved some solo time for making this sacrifice for Ali. They also check out Lance Burton's wax figure. That little scamp Cody messes up wax Lance's cards, then runs away. Dina-saur doesn't notice, though, because she's already halfway out the door. Mommy needs vodka! Finally, they visit the Liberace museum and don many glittering accessories. They round out the day by slapping a "Got bling?" bumper sticker on their Escalade. Which I'm the folks at the rental place will appreciate.
Back in the Ninth Circle, Eman notices Ali's flagging energy. He reiterates his spiel about the best singers being the hardest working, adding that they're also the singers that work the longest hours. (Hint, hint.) Ali responds to this by asking when she can leave. In the lounge, Sue tells Ali to be more confident with her singing because her insecurities are showing in the song. She tries to get Ali to embrace the power of positive thinking.
When Ali returns to the studio, she has completely lost focus. Eman pulls her out basically to tell her to stop acting like a flighty 14-year-old. He blows some smoke up her ass about her "natural gifts," saying she "can definitely be a great singer." She fishes, "So I'm not now?" He wisely remains silent, eventually echoing Sue's counsel that Ali needs to be confident.
Later, Ali sits in her room talking to Dina-saur on the phone. I, for one, have a strong suspicion this was dubbed in post-production because I don't hear any thumping or shouts of "Jaeger bomb!" in the background. Dina-saur recaps her fabulous day with Cody, making Ali grouchy that she wasn't included in the fun. And I ask you, is she really bitching that she actually did what she came here to do? Because that's what it sounds like to me. Dina-saur promises that they'll make use of Ali's downtime tomorrow.
Later that night, Dina-saur and Ali walk and talk about what a hard day Ali had. How can she be this flustered on the first day? Did she think she would nail the songs on the first take and have the rest of the time for a Vegas vacation? Dina-saur explains to Ali that she wanted this, and she'll have to work for it if she wants to succeed. Then she gives her an escape route, saying that they can pack up and leave if Ali wants to. Dina-saur makes her decide yes or no, and Ali cheerfully says she wants to stay.
Dina-saur heads into the studio to micromanage Eman. She tells him that Ali needs breaks occasionally so she won't freak out. Eman continues to spout the company line about Ali's talent, concluding that he's sure they will get what they need.
The day, more bronze goddesses have all that fun that Ali's missing while making her dreams come true. Bitches. To cheer Ali up, Dina-saur takes her to The Palms' music venue, where she will perform her song on stage (thankfully not to an audience). She thinks it will give Ali a chance to create her own vibe. Once she's on stage, a Lil' Miss Booty Shorts embraces her inner Jojo. Though I'm pretty sure there's also some Ashlee Simpson action going on with the backing track volume levels, but at least my ears aren't bleeding anymore. As Ali sings, the editor actually pipes in sounds of a crowd cheering. Yikes.
The stunt seems to worked because Ali says she can't wait to return to the studio. Once there, she is a lot less tentative than the day before and doesn't freak out when Eman gives her some constructive criticism and asks for another take. Eman responds well to this "Brave New Girl"-ness. Record exec guy hammers in the character arc by saying today was like "night and day from yesterday. She's so confident!" Praise continues to wash over the LoHo from all ends. Dina-saur underscores the night's theme, saying that Ali has worked incredibly hard (from which I believe we're supposed to infer that she is also a great singer).
Cody joins the fun as they all sit down to listen to the last two days' work. Ali covers her face anxiously. But shouldn't she want to listen to herself? If not, it's going to be a rude awakening when she has to perform this crap every night. All the people listening (besides faux-humble Ali) smile and applaud after the track is played. It would be totally true to form and over-the-top if someone screamed out "I smell a hit!" It doesn't hit the air, but I bet they totally filmed that just in case.
The bullshit train chugs along as Sue gives Ali a high five, Dina-saur VOs about Ali's energy and enthusiasm, and Eman compliments the overnight sensation that is Miss Ali Lohan. He delivers the semi-tongue-in-cheek line we've all been waiting for: "You're gonna be a big, big stah!" Ali pledges to continue doing what she loves and try her best. And, with another insipid hip-pop anthem to cling to this summer, all parties go their separate ways.
week: Cross-promotion continues as Cody meets Hef and The Girls. And the d-bag has landed! Jeremy Greene arrives in Vegas, but will Dina-saur's gamble on the untested producer pay off when Ali gets skittish about her second track?
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