Lady Lola is still in a comatose state after watching last week's tedious episode, I'm filling in tonight -- God willing, she'll be revived in time for Sunday's episode, because my brain cells just can't take it.
Longest "previously ons" ever. They are replaying the entire "confrontation" between Ali and Jeremy. That's just a sign to me that they don't have enough to fill up an entire reality series with the boring members of the Lohan clan. I just found out this week that there is another brother, Michael. He's like 20, and was smart enough say that he didn't want to appear on mommy dearest's little pet project. He is now my favorite Lohan. Actually, I also just found out that Lindsay may be a lesbian, or at least bi-curious, and that makes her so much more interesting than she had been. I'd say it is a dead heat between Michael and Lindsay for my Lohan love at the moment. Cody, Grams, Dina and Ali don't even make a blip on my radar.
Picking up where we left off, Ali's pouting and storming down the stairs and Jeremy leaves the house. Wah. I'm so angry. Ali's upset that Jeremy was using her or whatever because he wanted to marry her sister, and now she's shedding a fake tear. And messing up her goo gobs of mascara. Now she apparently only trusts her family. Jeremy, out shooting hoops in the yard, has not gotten this message. He's hanging around like a lame-o loser. He talking heads that Ali's in "drama mode" and of course he wasn't using her to get to Lindsay. Yeah, right. I so believe you ugly music dude. Go back to babysitting. You make my whole home state look bad.
Then Dina wants a recap from Ali about her confab with Jeremy. Tells Ali to suck it up and to explain to Jeremy that the Lohan clan has been "really hurt" by the tabs. Hurt, helped... you make the call. Dina talking heads that Jeremy needs to learn the ropes and learn how not to let the tabloids manipulate him. She should know. Make those trashy rags work for you, young Jedi...Yoda can teach you the way. Dina and Ali are going to give him an education. Good fucking lord. This is the most boring show in existence.
The Lohan ladies, and Alexis, are sitting around the kitchen table reading their horoscopes. A pleasant change from scanning Page Six. Then Jeremy walks into the house. What, does no one knock in this neighborhood? Please tell me that this is at least a gated house and there was someone to keep strange music wannabes out. Dina says straight out, "Jeremy, what happened with you guys?" Ali gets all girly embarrassed and says she'll take him upstairs and give him a talking to. Oh! I am so dense. I just figured this whole thing out. Ali likes him. That's why she was so upset that he was all about tapping her sisters' ass. She wants him for herself. He's probably her first crush. Of course this is all speculation, but I was once a 14-year-old girl (back in the dark ages). I can see the signs.
Jeremy says something about how the tabloids were around when he was texting Ali about something, and he cops to calling her a little matchmaker. He doesn't even grovel. Instead, Dina and Ali start going on about how it isn't his fault and how much they love him. "You're an amazing musician." (And the best babysitter we've ever had!) What the fuck? How did he get these girls wrapped around his finger with his lame-ass style? I can't deal. Dina babbles something about how she taught her kids to be honest. Now is the time to tell you that I once had the chance to talk to Ms. Lindsay. Back in her Mean Girls days. She was a rather sweet girl, but a total robot. She had clearly been programmed by someone (Dina-saur, most likely) to recite exactly what she thought she should about the movie, her career, her ahem, musical talents. Still, I am sure that whatever Dina taught her kid to say was honest... even if it wasn't Lindsay's own honest opinion. Anyway. Big D's all like, Jeremy I'm sure your parents taught you to be honest. And he's like, "Parents? I don't have parents, remember?" No. Fucking. Way. Who is this sketchy, manipulative guy and how did he get past the guard? He didn't grow up around famous people. Neither did Dina. He mumbles that he's sorry and he's learned from his mistakes. Gag me. Ali's all like, "Oh, his sad little face made me feel like I had to forgive him." Yeah, she's totally into him for more than his producing skills. I give her credit for rolling her eyes when she's saying she forgave him.
Dina THs that she's so happy that Ali and Jeremy have kissed and made up. And just when I'm thinking that Dina's been sipping some happy juice, she adds that now she's going to corner Jeremy and get the real truth out of him. Awesome. Let the claws come out! Eat him alive, Dina! Make this show good! Instead he just sits and looks bored while she gives him the "tabloids are a bunch of trashy whores" speech. Finally she's like, "Be honest, you did fuel the gossip flames, right?" And he's like, "No, I just was vague and told them to watch the show." GUILTY. Get him, Dina! Make him pay! Twist his little guts out! Please, for the love of God? More talking about how to work the press. Says that what he thought was funny, the papers will have a field day with. Then there's a death threat! Yay! He shrugs it off. Then, just when the asshole is in the free-and-clear, he has the fucking balls to tell Dina that, "To be honest, now, because I told the tabloids I was dating Lindsay, they know who I am, and I'm going to be a huge, big, dickwad of a star." And he smiles while he's saying this. She's like, "So you planned this?" Then D looks all disappointed. Says time it might not work out so well. But apparently it's all good because she's using him for his music. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. Whatever. I wanted to see the talons come out as she laid into the lame little douchebag.
Now it's Cody time. The forgotten son, who likes sports. This lasts for two seconds while he and Ali kick around a soccer ball. Then Dina's getting ready for the launch of her cover story in Boulevard magazine, the fine, new Long Island-based publication that dubbed her a "super mom." She's their first cover girl. Ali and Dina play dress up. Ali advises Dina not to dress like a slut with a high-cut, see-through dress. Dina glares at the pre-pubescent teen and grits that it is a Stella McCartney dress. Ali says it's because it's cold out. Jesus. I always though Dina was tough, but she lets her bitchy little kid get away with a lot of crap.
Nana shows up. She puts on a Pinhead mask. If Grams is into Hellraiser, this could actually be cool. I think she's just being a good sport though. Sad. Dina's niece Amanda is in charge of the roost while Dina's out in her not-trampy pantsuit. A limo ride with lots of over-talking between Grams, some other old overly-botoxed woman and Dina about how Ali's much more precocious than Lindsay. Dina has to beg her kid to go to school. Excellent. In other news, the doctor says Ali's going to top off at about 5 feet 10 inches and will be a Ford model. I didn't know that doctors were suddenly talent agents, but perhaps on Long Island they are.
Cut to the costume shop where Ali gets stopped for an autograph. I think either one of two things has happened here. 1) The poor fangirl thought that she was meeting Lindsay Lohan or 2) "Marissa" (who it should be noted was blurred out) was paid by someone to come up in order to make Ali look more famous. Ali loves being so talented.
At the Hawaiian Tropic Zone, hands-down the classiest place in Manhattan to have a magazine cover launch party, Jeremy comes up and gives Big D an enormous fake hug. She THs that he's such an amazing artist, but she's here to have fun and meet new people. I think she's trying to ditch him with Grams and the other old lady. Which would be the smartest thing she's done all episode.
Back at casa de la Lohan, the kids get home from their shopping expedition, and the dogs (who are caged up) are all barking up a storm and there's a "funky" burning smell. They can't see anything, but they call the fire department. All the cousins that are hanging around head outside. The firemen on scene think it could be an electrical fire and continue the evacuation...just to be safe.
Meanwhile, at a theme restaurant based on a suntan lotion, Dina whoops it up Long Island style and gets her groove on.
Ali has asthma. Cody (who actually gets to talk for a minute) says he was worried about his sister. Ali's calling mommy, but she exaggerates that her throat really hurts. What? From the two minutes she was inside the house? You've got to be joking. I hate teenagers. Dina's mailbox is all full up and she doesn't hear from her kids. An EMT measures Ali's oxygen levels, while the firemen do something with some wires. Cue the dramatic music as we head to commercial.
Cody calls Ty, the Lohan driver/bodyguard. Cody is asking Ty for advice on how to get an electrician in to the house. OK. Seriously? Where is Amanda, niece/babysitter extraordinaire? Shouldn't she, as the senior person around, be helping out with this shit? Ali's still off getting checked out by the paramedics, so I can give her a pass. And is your driver/bodyguard really the best person to call? Perhaps Dina should introduce Cody to the wonders of the yellow pages, or information even.
Ty finds Dina and fills her in on the sitch. Says Cody's called crying three times. Dina needs to clean out her fucking voice mail box, or have a separate phone for kid emergencies or something, because if it took three phone calls before your driver/bodyguard came to find you when your kids are in big trouble, your system is not working Miss Long Island "Super Mom." Then she doesn't even rush home. Unbelievable. She does call home. Ali says it's all good, the wall was just burning (oh, is that it?). Useless cousin/babysitter stares blankly. Dina looks sad, like someone just harshed her party mellow.
Once Dina arrives back at the house (and I would have fucking loved to see the time stamp on these tapes) she THs that she's so proud of her kids for handling it so that she didn't have to rush home. And yay, they knew how to dial 911! But it just figures that the one night she goes out something like this happens. Direct quote here: "Imagine if the tabloids got a hold of this story. They would just rip me to shreds." Imagine that. Imagine that you are telling this to an actual TV camera, and this is going to end up being broadcast to the world (or at least the 20 people in the world stuck watching this crap for work purposes), then just imagine what would happen. Would the press have a field day with it, or will they have been bored to tears by the old people dancing and the "arguments" with Jeremy that they wouldn't have made it this far into the episode? Maybe that's her master plan. She truly is an evil genius. I think I may have underestimated her skill at burying the lead of the story.
Lights out. Then sunny beach shots. Then Dina tells Alexis all about how she was out at her party when there was a fire at home. Alexis gets to see the wall...which was "fixed" by putting a couch in front of it. The electrician, who the fire department advised the Lohans to get ASAP, is coming eventually, but hasn't gotten there. Idiot savant Jeremy is getting the scoop from Ali and wonders if it is safe to leave live wires exposed. Could he be an electrician as well as a musician, producer and babysitter? He tells Ali not to touch the wires. She of course touches it, after telling the cameramen how she trusts him a little more now, but the only people you can really trust is your family. The family that leaves live wires exposed in the living room.
Douglas the electrician, who clearly got dressed up for his first reality show appearance, finally shows up. He says that if her curtains had been down, the house would have been up in flames. Dina says she's got a good guardian angel. Yeah, his name is Cody. Your poor, forgotten son. Alexis prints up fire safety rules. And she hires a fireman to come help them with their drill. Of course she's picking a fireman by looking at the "hot guys of the FDNY" calendar. I need a personal assistant.
Jeremy's ugly mug is back. He's so exited about going to Vegas and making Ali's single. He asks her what kind of music she likes. Rihanna. Of course. She's 14 and has to be predictable. It is her job. He deems this style as repetitive and "catchy." They discuss which track she's going to record with him. He's got one planned, but she's got another song of his that she wants to do if mommy says OK. "Make me magic," she shines. Barf. Jeremy's leaving, can't say I blame him. Dina shoves him out the door with the advice not to fuck up again by talking shit to the tabloids. She does this with a huge brilliant Crest Whitestrip smile on her face. They'll see him in Viva Las Vegas. And the sun sets on another awful episode of this tedious program. I'll be sinking into my coma now... hopefully someone will be able to revive themselves in order to weecap week's presumably craptacular installment.
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