I like that this show somehow knows I'm guest-recapping, and gives me a playbill before the show even starts, telling me the entire backstory with character names and descriptions of who the characters are, written down with enough time for me to make a crib sheet. Awesome! CliffsNotes for television. And I thought only we did that. Now, I only fell asleep for about five minutes when I watched this episode, but I have no idea why they titled it "I'm Your Boogie Man." Maybe if I'd seen more than just this episode. Here we go.
We open with some scary red fake nails. The Asian owner of the nails hands a stack of money over to a flannel-wearing man, who asks if the nails are real. She nods. The guy -- who's like a fake David Duchovny, asks how long it took to get them that way. The woman holds them up and brags, "Three years." He says, "Wild," and leaves with a bag of money. Only when I rewind because I'm curious do I see that they were in a nail shop.
A yellow convertible drives down the street. A police car rounds the corner and follows, turning on its siren. The yellow car pulls over, and we see that it's Donovan behind the wheel. Is he always so sweaty? Maybe it's the heavy coat he's wearing under the beating sun. Donovan turns off the car and puts his hands on the wheel, where the approaching cop can see them. The cop asks if Donovan knows why he was pulled over. Donovan doesn't. The cop says it was a rolling stop, and that he needs to see ID. The camera pans up. It's fake Duchovny in a cop uniform. Donovan shows fake Duchovny his ID, and fake Duchovny drops the blue bag of money into Donovan's lap. They go through the rest of the motions of getting pulled over, and fake Duchovny lets Donovan off with a warning.
Angle on a magazine actually called Beefcake. The door opens, and a kid in flannel (hi, costume department. Want to work on some variety?), enters the room. He immediately pulls a gun and holds it to the Danny DeVito window, and demands to be buzzed in. Isn't the point of those glass boxes that the glass is supposed to be bulletproof? Anyway, the guy in the box buzzes the kid in, instead of hitting the floor or whatever. The guy in the box looks a bit like a girl, and this is when we're supposed to make the connection: Let's see. Dirty room. Guy who looks like girl working counter. Magazine called Beefcake. Hmm. Is this place gay? It must be gay. Look how filthy it is! The kid with the gun holds up the clerk, and tells him to get in the back. The clerk asks not to be killed. The kid opens the first door. Two men in towels are standing near each other. The kid demands the two men's watches and jewelry. They immediately comply, looking more embarrassed than distraught that they're getting robbed. "Now, don't move!" screams the kid. "Don't move!" In theory, there are about thirty strong, muscular, half-naked, testosterone-pumped, hot, oily guys in that hallway. Couldn't they just jump this kid? Seriously.
Anyway, the kid goes to the room and demands the belongings of everyone in there. I like how all gay men wear clean white towels. Maybe it's just a dirty sauna. One guy, who's still in his shirt, looks nervous as he touches his watch. The kid asks if it's worth dying for. "Just give it to him!" the other guy ad-libs poorly. "Give him the watch." I hate the quiet ad lib.
Third room. A guy has his towel off his waist, and is using it to cover himself like a little girl. He cowers in the corner, one end of the towel over his shoulder, the other half covering the space between his splayed legs. As the kid tries to figure out why the naked man looks so insanely nervous, there's the cocking (heh heh) of another gun. "FBI. Drop the gun." We pan over to see a guy who wasn't listed in the opening credits cheat sheet, so I had to look him up and find out that his name is Amiel. That's one way to come out on television. Officer Naked arrests the kid. "Just my luck," the kid says. "A queer with a badge." All things just keep getting better. That queer also has tribal art tattoos. He tosses the kid to the floor and threatens to add "one more pound of pressure." Aw, yeah. I remember this scene from Queer As Folk. The kid whimpers, and the music gets strangely Miami Vice as the keyboards kick in and Amiel looks up nervously as if he just realized that someone might see how gay he is. Fade to opening credits.
More flannel. The female-looking clerk is retelling his story to an officer. "You called this in?" we hear another officer ask Amiel as we see the kid in cuffs. "Nice bust," the cop says. Amiel lies that he has a lot of informants in the area. "You know you want me," the kid winks to Amiel, and there's a flannel battle going on! I hope Flannel Hoodie beats Flannel Dress Shirt. "Shut up, faggot," Amiel sneers, and so we know he's truly gay. I mean, I'm new here and all, but isn't it going to be obvious when the clerk explains that the cop had already rented a room and had been fucking in it that perhaps this wasn't some kind of bust? "It takes all kinds," Amiel scoffs. He's still very sweaty. This is a sweaty show. "Yeah," the cop says. "Queers." I know one FBI office that could use a sensitivity-training course.
A door busts open. FBI! Asian nail ladies are getting busted! They're covered in either cocaine or acrylic nail powder. Those two things really do look alike. The feds should check that out before they cuff the girls. We see Paige leading the group of armed feds to the back room. She opens the door. Our Asian nail lady with the red nails hasn't heard the bust because she's been listening to headphones. She raises her hands, her fingertips looking like they're aflame, and asks, "Why you bugging me? I pay you guys already." Paige looks over at her FBI cohort like, "Oh, my God, you guys! We totally have a rat!"
"They're selling crack out of a nail salon," Paige explains. My bad. Crack, cocaine. Thanks for the correction, Paige. Her partner -- who isn't important enough to get a mention in the opening pitch -- explains that the salon was paying off cops to look the other way. Chief Brustin asks why, if his men were on the take, she wasn't tipped to the bust. Cohen says that they were beat cops, and didn't know about it: "It was a federal task force. We liaise strictly with the narcotics division." Fancy cop speak. Love it. Also, I'm going to start using the word "liaise," all the time. "I'm off to the Coffee Bean to liaise with Laura." Lisa dismisses Paige and her partner. "Why didn't you call me?" Brustin asks. Lisa tries to explain, but Brustin interrupts her, and they're bickering immediately about whether there's corruption or only alleged corruption in Brustin's force. Brustin says he should have taken care of this -- given it to IA by lunchtime. "These are my officers, Lisa," he stresses. Lisa leans forward and hands him a subpoena. "Dirty cops are my jurisdiction," she says. She asks to see all personnel files. Brustin says he'll take care of this himself. Lisa: "You know, this would be cleaner and easier for you if you'll just let me take the lead." Dirty! Brustin isn't happy about this. "Bullshit," he says. Bullshit! Don't tell my mom they're saying "bullshit" on television now. She'll lose it. Lisa tells Brustin that they could work together on this. "Consider me served," he answers. He storms out of her office.
A kind of mousy cop goes into the break room to find Amiel hunched into a refrigerator. She asks him if he remembers a Springfield cop named J.T. Frances: "She told me about your bust last night. Informant tip, huh?" She doesn't sound convinced. Amiel is too busy looking for anything other than skim milk for his coffee. "In a...bathhouse," she continues. "Yeah, in a bathhouse," Amiel snips. "Don't we have anything with fat in it?" Dirty! She hands him something from a paper bag. "Amiel?" she says. "It doesn't matter to me." She pronounces it dud-nt, which lets me know she's originally from parts down yonder. Amiel: "Then leave it alone." "I'm your friend," no-name says. Amiel chooses to storm off from that friend.
"The Fan is my turf, chief," says fake Duchovny, after handing over a box of files. "I'd know if something's going on." Okay, the first time I watched this episode, I had no idea what was "The Fan." But now I think they mean the nail salon is called The Fan. And in the first shot, when they're collecting money from Red Nails, she's standing in front of a gigantic fan. But come on. We all know that no nail salon would be called The Fan. The one by my house is called Nail Station. All aboard. There's Crazy Nails. Pretty Nail. Nail House. Nice Nails. But "The Fan"? No way. We finally get a name for fake Duchovny: Kirk. Brustin tells Kirk that he trusts him, which is why he came to him about this first: "Even you can't know everything that's going down in your back yard." Kirk says that they should take care of whatever's going on themselves. Brustin says it's not that simple. Kirk asks, "You really want to play it like this?" Brustin says he'd rather the feds were out of it. Kirk says that Brustin should beat them to the punch, reassigning all the beats and giving everyone in The Fan a new partner from somewhere else to break up patterns of corruption while they conduct their own investigation. Brustin says he'll mention it when he drops off the personnel files. Kirk offers to take the files over, but Brustin says he promised he'd be the only one to handle the papers. Brustin says that if the agent in charge of this investigation wasn't a friend, there would have been blue windbreakers all over the precinct, getting all up in their shit. "Still feels like we're getting raped," Kirk says, the actor taking great pleasure in saying that last word. "Because we are," Brustin says. This show loves how gritty it is, doesn't it? Also, while we're talking about the show in more of a meta way, why are there so many cop shows? I mean, there are a lot of cop shows these days. Is it because we want to feel safe, or because we wish we were braver, or is it that we just want to watch bad guys get taken down every day since we are powerless against most of our own enemies? Whoa. I don't know what happened to me there. I turned into Oprah.
Lisa says that The Fan operates with three watches, and twenty officers assigned to each watch. Okay. Wait. So "The Fan" can't be the nail salon. So is it the area getting covered by cops? What city is this? ["Richmond, VA." -- Wing Chun] Is "The Fan" a district in that city? ["Apparently so." -- Wing Chun] Lisa tells her group of cops that they're going to be assigned jackets in pairs, and that they should bring to her desk anything that sticks out. Paige and her partner are in on this one. Lisa tells them to conduct their interviews in the order of likely suspects. Why wouldn't they do that? She warns her guys that these investigations are "a bitch." When the cops know the feds are looking, "that thin, blue line becomes a solid wall." She tells them to be smart and careful.
Woodstock split screen. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Empty bar. Malloy. He asks if the chief is pulling everyone's files. "No, just The Fan for now," answers Kirk, in civilian gear. Malloy says that this must mean they don't know what they're looking for, and that if Kirk and his men have followed protocol, there shouldn't be anything to find anyway. Kirk looks guilty, and says that the chief's working with the feds on this. Malloy promises that the feds are just as incompetent as the locals, and asks Kirk why he's so sweaty and uncomfortable-looking. I've been asking that of every character on this show so far. Including you, Malloy. I see a couple beads on your forehead. "No," Kirk answers. Malloy asked "why," and Kirk answered "no." Okay. Anyway, Malloy tells Kirk to take some time off and enjoy his pretty wife. Kirk thanks him, and then says it might be good to shut things down in The Fan permanently; they've had a good run. Malloy says he worked very hard to set up this operation. He says that he now has his own division within the police department. "You're like a judge," Malloy explains to Kirk. "I put you on the bench, you die in office." He promises it'll be of natural causes after a long, happy career.
Split-screen to Lisa, informing Amiel, "I talked to the Commonwealth's attorney in Springfield. He's kicking the assault and battery charge and the robbery, and he'll plead to the gun charge." I wish I understood what that meant. "You don't need the court time, right?" Lisa asks. Amiel says that all three felonies were "slam dunks." Lisa says that the kid will already do three years. He has no priors, and they're slammed in Springfield. She asks if he's okay with this. Amiel says, "Yeah. Yeah, fine." "Good," Lisa says, walking off. "Whatever," Amiel says, just a bit too late. Amiel thinks for a second, and then storms over to his partner. Finally, the closed captioning tells me her name is Sampson. ["We know her as Jennifer." -- Wing Chun] Amiel says he needs to talk to her right now. He storms away. Jennifer stands, looking guilty and nervous. Amiel slams the door of some closet with tape recorders in it.
Amiel asks Jennifer what she told Lisa. "They're kicking two or three felony charges on my bust!" he says. Jennifer stammers, and says she doesn't know what he's talking about. "My ass, you don't!" Amiel shouts. He asks if she thought he'd embarrass himself and the bureau. "Wait, wait, wait!" Jennifer shouts. "You think I talked to Lisa?" Um, yeah. That's what he's been saying. "So, so, so, what? So it wouldn't go to trial? So, so you wouldn't have to explain to a jury what you were doing at a gay bathhouse, is that what you think?" Oh, a gay bathhouse. Jennifer shouts that she didn't tell Lisa anything. She can't believe Amiel would think that. "What'd you think I told her, huh?" Is that a sentence? "That you're gay?" she asks, sensitively. Amiel gives the line so many of us say in our daily lives: "Look, you go to hell." Hee! I love melodramatic cop dialogue. It's so ridiculous. "I am not gay," he adds. He just likes sucking cock in his spare time. What? Don't label him. Don't judge him. He's not gay. He has a cock hobby. Oh, like you don't.
Split-screen to Malloy playing poker. Anson Mount is at the table. Now, listen. This kid has the best line in Crossroads. I take that back. He has the best two lines. The first one is when they all walk out of their beach-front hotel room to Graumann's Chinese Theatre, and Anson announces that he's off to find a band, and then just walks off. We don't see him for another forty minutes of the movie. Then, when Britney's life has crumbled, she's packing her things in her hotel room, and then we have the best line in the movie. It's so good that we still reenact the scene and the line all the time. There's a window on one side of the room, and you can tell the precise moment when Anson got his cue, because suddenly he bounds past that window, storms into the hotel room, sees sad Britney and says, "Sorry I'm late; I got a band." Hysterical! So it's going to be a little difficult to take this guy seriously, when he's already been the butt of so many jokes here in this living room. Anyway, in order to not pull out seven jokes about Crossroads per paragraph, I'll call him Roy. That's what he wants, anyway. Roy is eavesdropping on a conversation between Malloy and Donovan. He's got super-sensitive ears, by the way, because those two men are on the other side of the bar, and if we've learned one thing from television, it's that sound doesn't travel if the conversation is supposed to be a secret. Janet shows up, all bubbly, and brags that she brought Malloy his "Italian navy cashmere suit." Look who's gay now. Malloy bitches that he's working and can't deal with Janet right now: "This is my office; I'm at work here." Boyfriends are always trying to convince you that bars are offices, where they conduct business, aren't they? Janet just wants Malloy to try on the suit so that she can get it altered, but Malloy's not having it. He's busy! He stands up and screams, "You don't listen, do you? I'm working!" Kind of like when Jack Nicholson tells Wendy not to come in when she hears him typing. Janet whimpers off. Roy's still motionless at his boring poker game. Someone play a card! Malloy tells Donovan that they've been doing this for years without a problem, and now they've got Brustin stirring it up. He says that the problem is simple: the cops are more afraid of the chief than they are of Malloy. So they need to send a message that the cops can't ignore. Donovan says he understands. "Tough day, huh?" Roy asks him. "You could say that," Donovan agrees.
Paige's partner walks in on penis-enthusiast Amiel in some office room. The partner apologizes, saying he was looking for a quiet place to read. Amiel looks all guilty, because he was apparently thinking about being gay. He says he was checking some surveillance tapes. From the bathhouse. The partner asks how Amiel got out of the corruption case. Amiel says that seniority has its privileges. "Right," the partner says, not buying it. He walks in and shuts the door, asking if he can ask something. He says he was thinking about trying out for SWAT, and wanted to know what Amiel, "The Man," thought of it, since he set the bar at try-outs by doing eighteen pull-ups while wearing gear. Amiel plays it all cool. He's hitting on you, Amiel! Ask him out! Amiel tells him to run hills. They talk gym talk, which is practically phone sex between two guys. Amiel gets too excited with all the sweaty talk, and says he can't talk about try-out day. The partner asks if he's tough enough. Amiel tells him that there's only one way to find out. The partner leaves, and we watch Amiel stare at the wall. Why the hell did we just have that scene?
Suddenly the film goes all blue as Lisa waits in a forest for Roy. He hands her some nicotine gum. She asks if you can smoke it. Roy laughs. "So what's up with you, you stop working out?" Lisa asks him. "What?" Roy asks. "Just living the good life, I guess, huh?" Lisa says it's probably the shirt. Wow, that's rude. Who says that to someone? Roy tells Lisa that she looks very nice today. Very pretty. I'm guessing these two used to have sex together, or perhaps still do? Lisa thanks Roy, and he tells her again that she looks very nice. Lisa brings it back to a more professional tone, asking what he's got. Roy tells her he heard Malloy shooting off his mouth about local cops. Lisa tells him they're investigating dirty cops on The Fan. Roy says that Malloy wants to send a message. Hey, are we in the past, or something? Why the blue wash? What's the point? Is this because we're at the middle between the FBI and the Malloy Crime Syndicate (that just rolls off the tongue, huh?)? And why is Roy's hair like a squirrel tail rolling over his head? "You think there's a connection?" Roy asks. Huh, I wonder. "Work it," Lisa says with a head nod. Dirty!
Janet loves the bracelet she's trying on. "I don't need it," she says. "Get the bracelet," Malloy tells her. Janet melts into a puddle of girly goo over the tennis bracelet, cooing and drooling everywhere. Malloy and Zack the jeweler go into the back of the store.
Zack empties out an envelope full of loose diamonds. Malloy checks to make sure these diamonds have no papers. Malloy and Zack chat about sports while Malloy uses some kind of instrument to check...what? Clarity? He only checks two of the diamonds and then he's happy. He hands Zack an envelope of cash.
Back in the store, Janet says she loves the way the diamonds in her bracelet sparkle in the light. Oh, Janet. If only you knew.
"Sampson. MacArthur." Thanks, Lisa, for giving me a last name for Amiel. She confuses me with this sentence: "New Orleans had an overhear on the wire. A contract killer may be headed here." Luckily, Jennifer translates immediately: "A hit man's coming to Richmond?" Lisa says she has no idea why, but that the suspect is wanted in two long-range killings -- one out of Chicago, one in Seattle. She says they were both professional hits. Amiel says that this sounds military. Lisa says it's probably nothing, and that the overhear was just a lucky break, but that there's one lead to track down: the guy likes to be paid in loose, one-carat diamonds. We can do that? Shit. I've got to go change my TWoP invoice. Hold on. I like how this show is so linear. Each scene is for the scene which is because of the last scene. There's no figuring anything out. There's no suspense. Just watch the cops do their jobs. Jennifer asks if there's a description of the suspect. Lisa says there isn't, and that they have no idea who the target would be. Maybe I'm dumb, but I hardly think actual cops would give this much attention to what amounts to "There's a guy coming here who we won't be able to find who might shoot a guy we don't know. Get on it." Amiel agrees with me. Jennifer says that they can track down local diamond merchants and see if there have been any unusual purchases lately. Now, are we supposed to believe that Zack would have a paper trail on that obviously illegal transaction? Lisa pretty much tells Amiel to suck it up and do the footwork. "Is there anything I need to know about?" Lisa asks Jennifer once Amiel pouts off. "No, ma'am," Jennifer answers.
Kirk asks what exactly Paige and her partner are looking for, so that he can point them in the right direction. Nameless Partner says that would be great, so that they can cut through all the paperwork. Paige asks how long he's been working The Fan. Four years this July. She says he had an amazing arrest record on the south side, and turned down Detective. Kirk says that he was never officially offered Detective, and that he'd prefer the street work anyway. "Adrenaline junkie," he says. Paige says that he's basically doing detective work for The Fan, but not getting credit for it. He says that's where the action is. "Is that where you got your tan?" Paige asks. I see no tan. He says it might be from his boat. She says that's a nice perk on a cop's salary. Not to mention his kids' private school, what with how steep college tuition is these days. Kirk says he made his money the old-fashioned way: "I married it. My wife's family is loaded." The partner here coos, "Nice." Kirk says that her parents give them lots of money, and that if they need to know the details, they'll have to ask his wife, because she keeps the books. Paige says that they'll ask her, and check with the IRS to make sure that there are records of all the monetary gifts. Kirk asks why Paige is busting his chops: he's the cleanest cop in The Fan. Paige says they're through. "Don't leave town, okay?" she tells him. Kirk leaves. Paige and her partner share a look.
We're at a pawn shop or something. Jennifer and Amiel haven't stopped pouting this entire episode. It makes me not like them. Jennifer calls Amiel a jerk. They get buzzed in. It's a jewelry store. Jennifer reminds Amiel that they are partners and need to talk to each other. Amiel says they don't. "On the job we do," says Jennifer, adding that she doesn't care how much he sulks and stews off the job, but that when they're working, he can't screw up the job. Zack comes out and asks if he can help them. Amiel says they're doing a routine investigation with the FBI. He asks if there have been any large, loose diamond purchases lately. "Well, no!" Zack says. "I can't remember the last time I sold loose stones!" Then: "Last week!" I guess he can remember. "There was a lady who came in with a real old setting." Amiel says they need to check his receipts. Zack asks if he's in trouble. Jennifer flirts that they're checking every jeweler in town. Zack is somehow powerless under her semi-Southern flirtations, and says he'll do anything he can to help.
Lisa tells Paige and her partner that Kirk is one of Brustin's most trusted men. Paige says it was his manner. She explains this course she took at West Point ("It was more sophisticated than Quantico") to determine when someone is lying, and that Kirk showed all the classic signs. What is this, Columbo? Anyway, Kirk apparently looked at Paige when he was telling the truth, and looked up and to the right when he was lying. Lisa tells us the partner's name: Stevens! Thank you, Lisa! ["That's Todd, y'all." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Todd agrees with Paige. Todd and Paige want to check Kirk's records and sweat him. Lisa says she doesn't want any blowback. Dirty! "Proceed with caution."
Malloy checks out his three cell phones, and then looks at his watch. The closed captioning tells us there's an "[R&B song playing]," but not in this final version. Malloy answers the center phone and says that the shipment is ready. "I understand," Malloy says like there's a gun pressed to his head. "We won't speak again." He hangs up. Hey, are you guys bored? I'm kinda bored.
Jennifer and Lisa do a walk and talk, Amiel dragging behind. Jennifer starts the scene with a "hey," as she's done in every scene she's had in this episode. She then says they checked out twelve chains and six independent diamond dealers, and that there was nothing. How could that be all the stores in the city? Amiel says they did find out that Malloy bought his wife a bracelet. This is a red flag for Lisa, and for some reason wasn't for Jennifer or Amiel. The bracelet was only three hundred bucks. Lisa says it's interesting that, the day they're investigating diamond purchases, Malloy bought his wife a bracelet. "I wonder what else he bought," she says. She asks them to assemble the "reactive squad" into the conference room. Jennifer, fully chastised, says, "Yes, ma'am." What's with the "ma'am"? There's like, four years' difference between their ages.
The reactive squad debates whether Malloy would want to take out Chief Brustin. Lisa says that Malloy is a sociopath with grandiose tendencies. Lisa recaps the entire episode and asks her squad to connect the dots. Jennifer asks why they'd bring in an out-of-town talent to do the hit on Brustin. Lisa says it'd be harder to trace it to Malloy. Amiel says that it's a bit of a stretch in logic. "You know what, Amiel?" Lisa says. "It's a theory, and it's all we got." She says she'll take care of the chief. She tells Paige and Todd that the "gloves are off" with Kirk.
Donovan pulls up in his yellow convertible and turns off his classic rock radio station. He and Roy get out of the car. Roy asks what they're doing there. Donovan says it's a delivery. They enter the apartment building and wind their way back to one of the rooms. Maybe it's a hotel? Roy asks Donovan if he turned off the coffee pot. Donovan tells Roy he'll make a great wife someday. I'd rather be watching Pulp Fiction. Donovan has the keys to the apartment/room. Apartment. There's a kitchen. Donovan finds a hollowed-out book in a drawer and begins pouring loose diamonds into the hole. It's a Bible. I guess this might be a motel. Donovan's not good at pouring, so he drops thousands of dollars' worth of diamonds all over the nasty sperm-laden floor. Ew! They pick up the diamonds, their fingers touching the ground, as they scoop everything back up and into the book. Nasty. Roy tries asking whom the diamonds are for. Donovan says it's someone who doesn't like sharing his earnings with the government. Then Roy -- who's becoming dumber by the second -- asks, "Are these real?" Donovan takes a few of the diamonds for himself and keeps them in the envelope. Roy says they got all the ones from the floor. They leave. Roy takes another obvious look around.
In the car, Roy pretends to find a near-tranny woman walking a dog to be the hottest chick in the land, and demands to be let out so that he can hit on her immediately. Donovan, born exactly twenty-four hours ago, sees nothing strange about this, and lets Roy out of the car, one block from where they just dropped off thousands of dollars' worth of loose diamonds. Roy gets out and stops the woman to pet her dog. He pets the dog until Donovan drives away, and then Roy high-tails it back to the apartment building. I can't believe Donovan doesn't circle around to see if his buddy strikes out and needs a ride home. I also can't believe Roy is an undercover cop. He immediately calls Lisa to tell her what's happening, and this just seems like the sloppiest undercover operation ever. Oh, the building is apparently a hotel. But it had a full fridge. And by "hotel," he obviously means "motel." Then while Lisa is calling a team to bust the room, Roy says he'll just sit up there in the room until they get there. Why?
Roy runs, pulling up his hoodie 8 Mile-style, and waltzes back into the hotel. Now there's a guy at the front box, where there wasn't before, but he's reading. So why show him this time? Whatever.
Roy struts down the hotel hallway, there's vomit on his sweater already -- mom's spaghetti. A guy walks out of one of the rooms, right on cue, and just stops, waiting for Roy to deliver a line. Roy covers his face and stammers, pretending to be a junkie looking for a fix. The guy leaves. Roy practically runs to the room and jimmies the lock, breaking into the room. But the diamonds -- they're gone. Way to go, Roy. Then the door opens, with the loudest squeak, and Roy looks up to listen. We see the guy from the hallway at the door, holding a gun. He enters the room, gun drawn. He doesn't see Roy. He cases the room. Then Roy makes all kinds of noise running to the window and jumping out. The guy takes a few shots, but misses with all of them, because he's a trained professional hit man who's done a number of long-range sniper jobs, and he can't be trusted to fire three bullets and have one hit a guy fifteen feet away. Roy runs out of the room and flies down the fire escape, riding the ladder, like all actors wish to do in a scene. The sniper is apparently, a shitty, shitty marksman, and doesn't think just to run to the window and shoot him again. Roy gets away, because this is only a television show, but not before he pushes some innocent civilian to the ground. Roy's an asshole. And why the blue wash again? Is that how you know we're "undercover"?
Too late as all hell, the FBI show up (after the commercials, even!) to the motel room and find -- nothing.
Malloy is on the phone with the shooter, promising that he didn't compromise his security. He says that the junkie chose the shitty motel, and that was the risk he took, hiding out in a place where people rob other people and look generally shifty all day long. Malloy reminds the shooter that he's been paid to do the job and will get the other half of the diamonds per their arrangement, but he can't be expected to prepare for every contingency. Malloy says there's no re-negotiation. He says he'll give the shooter another ten if it'll settle this. "But that's that with that." He hangs up. Shrewd negotiations, Malloy.
Blue Forest. "Hey," says Lisa. "Hey," says Roy. Lisa says that nobody remembers seeing the shooter, and that he wiped the rooms clean: "Hookers paid cash for the room. The guy's good." Roy's all bent out of shape because he saw the shooter -- talked to him, even -- and just assumed he was a junkie and didn't nab him when he had the chance. "He could be Hispanic, but he could be Caucasian." Good description, Officer. Roy shouts "Aah!" because he's so frustrated with himself. Lisa looks equally disappointed. Lisa says that maybe the shooter won't follow through with the hit now. Roy says "Quantaco" again, and reminds Lisa that those military shooters would go through torture for fun, so it might be worse now. "I screwed up," he sighs. "No, you did okay," Lisa lies. Kiss him!
Roy enters Donovan's apartment. "Hey," he says. "Hey," Donovan answers. I just finished recapping a show where people started every scene with that. And now they're doing it here, too? What is up with cop shows and people starting every scene from the absolute beginning of the conversation, complete with greetings? Anyway, Donovan notes that Roy looks like he had a good time. Is that deduction based on Roy's head wound? Malloy enters. Roy says hello. Donovan tells him that there's fresh coffee. He asks Donovan if he went back to the room after he left the diamonds. Roy couldn't look any more like the cat who just ate the canary as Donovan denies everything until Malloy backs off. Donovan fronts Roy, asking if he went back to the motel. Roy pisses his pants, and then Donovan says he was just kidding. Roy just about goes, "I'm a cop." Donovan notes the scratch on Roy's face, asking if it was from a headboard (?). Roy says it was the girl's fingernails. "You should go wash her off," Donovan says. Ew!
Officer Kirk pulls a newspaper out of a stand. Paige approaches him: "Hey, man, can you help me out? 'Cause this shit's not adding up." The closed captioning says she says "it's just," but I'm not buying it. Paige says that he's spending over a hundred thousand dollars a year, but only reporting sixty thousand dollars in income. Todd says they found out the real owner of his Florida property -- Kirk. "So how long have you been working for Malloy?" Paige gloats. Kirk calls them "unbelievable," and says he doesn't have to listen to this. He tells them to talk to his attorney. Todd asks why he needs an attorney. "To sue your ass, Satchmo," Kirk replies. This pretty much shuts everyone up. According to this show, cops are homophobes and racists. Paige calls Kirk a liar and a dirty cop: "A disgrace to the badge." Todd calls Kirk an asshole, and offers him a one-time deal to come clean. Kirk blows them off and walks away.
Lisa's talking to Chief Brustin. She calls him "Nick." She tells him that his life is in danger, so he shouldn't be playing in some stupid basketball game. Brustin says that his team has lost the past two years, and that he has a personal score to settle. Lisa says that her "UC" (that means Roy) heard Malloy threaten him. She says that a hit man has been paid, so Brustin should take this seriously. Brustin says he takes it seriously, but that he's not going to miss this game. He wonders what kind of hit man would take a shot at a crowd of police officers. Lisa says that's exactly the kind of message Malloy wants to send. Brustin says she's stretching it. Lisa says she can't protect her. Brustin says he doesn't expect her to. Silence. He says he's got his guys, and he'll be all right. Lisa asks about Kirk: "You've gotta move on him, Nick." Brustin says he'll talk to Kirk in the morning. Kirk must have a good free-throw percentage.
Split-screen to Malloy trying to calm Kirk down. Kirk says they're on to him, and they know about the trust. Malloy says that the cops only have suspicions, but that they can't prove anything his legal team can't take care of. He tells Kirk to go about his business and let Malloy handle it. And that's when they take us to commercial.
Basketball game. City of Richmond Hoops Challenge. Paige and Todd wander around. Brustin shoots a few hoops. Lisa watches nearby, anxiously. Amiel, always ready with a complaint, bitches to Jennifer that they aren't Secret Service guys, and that Brustin's not the President, so why the hell should they be on watch? Jennifer snaps that they're already there, so they should just do their job. Amiel snips that all Jennifer wants to do is talk when it comes to his personal life, but not about this job they're on. Jennifer, and I, walk away. Jennifer freaks out on bitchy Amiel, telling him that she's always wanted to be his friend, but that now she'd rather work alone. Actually, that's what the closed captioning says. All we hear is her say, "Forget it."
Todd wins Officer Obvious when he leans over to Paige and says, "There's our boy." They've been staring at him for a while now as he plays basketball, so it's weird to point him out suddenly now, isn't it? Kirk watches them watch him, and then continues playing. Brustin asks Kirk if he's doing okay. Kirk says he feels good, and that he's ready to play ball. The game starts. The crowd cheers. Lisa asks Jennifer whether she ran the plates of all the cars in the lot. Jennifer says she did, and that the cars belonged to cops and families. Lisa tells Paige that she got a few SWAT guys and put them into position. Jennifer says they're going through an awful lot of trouble for one guy. Lisa says the guy is the chief of police. "Is that why we're here?" Jennifer asks. Man, this girl is all up in everybody's business, isn't she? "People are talking, Lisa," she says, and then walks away. Oh, you don't call her "ma'am" when you mean "slut" now, do you?
The game starts up...again, I guess. Blue scores a point. I guess if we have to pick a team we pick Brustin's, even though Kirk is on it. Brustin's are the guys in white. Some guy in white scores a point. We actually watch, like, two minutes of a basketball game. Why? Lisa is anxious as all hell, and keeps wandering back and forth among the cops, asking if they see anything.
SniperCam! It focuses on Brustin playing ball.
Amiel stares at a news van. He looks up at a cameraman in the stands.
The sniper looks into his gun. SniperCam! We see Kirk running to Brustin.
Amiel asks Jennifer where the third TV crew is standing; he sees three TV vans, but only two crews. Then the camera swoops around to show us just that.
Brustin is fouled.
Amiel and Jennifer stare at a JTN Satellite van for some time.
Sniper! SniperCam! Back of Brustin's head.
Shot of van window.
SniperCam! Brustin sets up at the goal line for his free throw. He shoots. Miss.
Somehow, Jennifer can stare into the van window and see a gun. "That's it," she says, and she and Amiel start running.
Sniper finger on trigger!
SniperCam! Brustin looks disappointed. He bends down.
Running, running, running.
Sniper finger. Gun!
Boom! Sniper takes out Kirk, who was standing behind Brustin. Kirk hits the ground.
"Gun!" Lisa screams, just a second too late. Everyone panics except Brustin, who kind of turns around and sees the dead Kirk on the ground behind him. Everybody's screaming to get down, but absolutely nobody hits the actual ground as they run chaotically in fear.
Amiel and Jennifer approach the news van, guns drawn. As Jennifer opens the back door, Amiel shouts that they're FBI, and that he should drop the gun. Couldn't he see them coming through...the window? Anyway, he aims at Amiel, so Amiel and Jennifer pump like, five shots into the guy, thus insuring that they will never get a piece of information out of him. Nice work, y'all.
Lisa's still screaming for people to get down. It appears that the cameraman is getting into the action.
The music takes over, and the closed captioning doesn't match up with what's going on. Brustin stares at the bullet in Kirk's head.
Dead sniper guy. After thirty seconds, Jennifer declares, "Gun's clear." Thanks, Jen. Jennifer calls in all units with a code four.
Meanwhile, all available units are on the ground of the basketball court, looking around for someone with a gun. Didn't they just hear all the gunfire over by the van?
Amiel is all sweaty again.
Sweaty Brustin says, "Aw, dammit," because he's just now realizing that Kirk is indeed dead, what with the bullet between his eyes and all.
Here come...cops. There's never a cop around when you need one, right?
Denouement. Lisa tells Paige and Todd they got everything right except the target. "Why take out Gates?" Paige wonders. "Because Malloy knew that Gates was gonna flip. It's brilliant." Todd concludes: "So he kills a rat to show the other rats who really runs this town." Lisa says that their investigation just went into a whole other gear. She wipes her nose, and we see she's holding an unlit cigarette. She leaves.
Still holding an unlit cigarette as if she's smoking it, Lisa tells Amiel and Jennifer that they did well today. Amiel says that they were slow. Lisa says they weren't.
"Mad World," the Gary Jewell song everybody knows from Donnie Darko, starts up, and for the rest of the episode, everybody tries to talk over it. I don't know why, but I've heard this song every day for the past week. First it was just on my own iTunes, but then it was on this show, and the radio, and someone was asking me about it the other day, and then someone wanted to talk about Donnie Darko yesterday. It's weird. Sometimes songs follow you around. Sorry, I went off into my own voice-over wrap-up, didn't I? Didn't mean to interrupt the semi-montage.
"Mad World." Amiel and Jennifer stare at each other. They both knock on the desk and say goodbye.
Malloy and Donovan share a drink. Malloy asks whom he thinks they're more afraid of now. They sit underneath a GIGANTIC AMERICAN FLAG OF SYMBOLISM. Janet comes home and apologizes for seeing Malloy at work. Malloy loves nothing more than a great raw steak after popping a cop, and asks Janet if she'd like to go out for dinner. She celebrates. The sad song overpowers the scene.
Todd tells Paige she should go home. "Thinking about Gates?" he asks. Paige purses her lips and says that, in the beginning, Kirk was a good cop, "so why would he turn?" Todd: "Money, what else?" Paige -- so cute when she's naïve -- says that Kirk took an oath and swore an allegiance. The song overpowers again with the lyrics, "Happy birthday. Happy birthday." Not the right song for this show. Not the right title for this episode.
Lisa and Brustin are in bed, cuddling, post coital. The day you almost get killed is the day you have some fine cop love. Hey. Brustin's wearing a wedding ring. The song sings about lonely schoolchildren and apathetic teachers. Brustin untangles himself from Lisa and puts on his clothes. Lisa pouts. "It's a very, very...mad world."
Amiel stares at his old bathhouse, missing the good times. The day you bust a bathhouse robbery is the day you have some fine cop love.
In two weeks...does it matter? This show doesn't seem to have any kind of dramatic storyline that's developing and unfolding with each passing episode. Jennifer's kid gets stolen.