Dino plays hockey and slams some guy into the glass. His parents sit in the front row and watch, and his mom is wearing a Pucci-style print tank top. At the hockey rink. When the people around her are all wearing winter jackets. Huh? What is this, Capeside? Dino's dad notes Dino's aggression, and Dino's mom tries desperately to pretend that she has nothing to do with it.
Elsewhere, Ben notices Miss Young walking through the stands. She makes eye contact with him and then sits down to a friend. Ben freezetalks that he never hooks up because he doesn't know how to talk to girls, and they all think he's weird for being smart. Ben is smart? That was so not established in the first episode. Ben thinks Miss Young can appreciate his intelligence. He glances back at her, but she's not looking at him this time.
Elsewhere in the stands, Jonathan and Deborah make out as Jonathan ferociously caresses her purse. Deborah points out what he's doing and they break it off for a moment. Jonathan freezetalks that guys have all the sexual pressure because they have to come up with the moves, and he needs a little help in that area. Or maybe he just has a purse fetish.
Jackie complains to Other Friend that she doesn't know what Dino's problem is, because he was all into having sex and then he ditched her once she finally agreed. Other Friend thinks Jackie deserves better than Dino.
Ben walks up and talks to Miss Young, who introduces him to her friend as "one of the top kids in my class." Miss Young reminds Ben that he has a paper due on Monday. Ben freezetalks that he can't believe Miss Young just called him a kid in her class, like, was she supposed to start making out with him right there? What part of "inappropriate, unethical, and illegal" does he not understand? Frankly, what part of that does Miss Young not understand? Ben turns and disgustedly walks off.
On the ice, Dino checks some guy into the boards, and the Coach yells at him. Mom thinks the Coach might have asked Dino to be aggressive, and Dad points out that Dino is a scorer, not an enforcer. Extraneous Brother (who is at least wearing a sensible coat) takes off to get a doughnut, while Mom and Dad continue to freeze their asses off in short-sleeved shirts. I mean, maybe it would make sense if they included some plot point about how Mom dressed that way to impress her lover or something, but as it is, they both just look like idiots. Cold idiots. Mom goes to the bathroom while Dad follows Extraneous Brother.
Mom finds Dino in the hallway and says that she loves him, and apologizes for what he saw the day before. Dino slams his hockey stick into the wall and breaks it in half, and then yells that she should tell her husband that she's sorry. Dude, way to yell it in a public place; if Dad didn't already know, he does now. Mom says it would kill Dad if he found out. Dino begs to know why she did it, and Mom says that she's confused too, and that it just started. They yell at each other until Mom admits that it's happened a couple of times, but that it's over. She cries and apologizes again, but Dino doesn't want to hear it. Dad and E.B. run up with their doughnuts. Dino disgustedly tells his mom to go into the bathroom before they notice that she's been crying. E.B. asks what happened to Dino's stick, and Dino says it was nothing and heads for the showers.
After the game, Ben heads out to the parking lot where he finds Jackie and Other Friend pulling out. He stops them and asks what's going on tonight, and where people will be hanging out. Other Friend asks, "Like the Peach Pit?" Heh. Jackie asks whether Dino said anything about the night before. Ben shakes his head and says that Dino was with his dad. Other Friend thinks that Jackie should just talk to Dino. What a novel concept. Jackie says that Dino is with his family. Ben admits that Dino did seem upset and seemed disconnected. Other Friend makes fun of Ben's vocabulary. Jackie spots Dino walking out with his family, and hops out of the car to talk to him. Ben tries to make small talk with Other Friend about the SATs, but she rolls up the window to shut him up.
Dad asks Dino why he seemed so out of control on the ice. Before Dino can answer, Mom suggests that they dump E.B. with her parents and go to "the Coopers' cabin." Dino offers to help by taking his brother to the aquarium the day, and tells his parents to have a great time. Dad agrees to the plan. Dino spots Jackie walking toward them and says he'll be right back.
Dino grabs Jackie's hands and tells her that he wants to talk to her, but that he can't right there. Jackie asks if he's okay, because he didn't seem okay the night before. Dino apologizes and says that it wasn't anything she did. Jackie asks what it was. Dino glances at his dad and tells Jackie to come by and talk tonight, because his parents are going out of town. Jackie wants to talk now, but Dino says he can't, and begs her to trust him. Jackie agrees, and they kiss.
The rest of The Trio jumps into frame as soon as Jackie leaves; they want to know what happened with Jackie the night before. Dino lies that Jackie backed down from having sex. Ben accuses Dino of acting weird, and Dino says he got in a fight with his parents. After they make fun of Jonathan, Dino's dad pulls up and tells Dino to be home in an hour, because they have some things to do before his parents go away for the weekend. Ben and Jonathan are excited to hear that Dino's parents are going out of town. Dino insists that he needs to talk to Jackie alone. Ben and Jonathan point out that Dino made both of them have parties when their parents went out of town. Dino reminds them that their houses got trashed. Ben and Jonathan promise to take care of everything. After more urging, Dino gives in, thinking that maybe things will go better with Jackie if everyone is having a good time. Yeah, that'll happen. Jonathan uses this opportunity to say something about how great things are with Deborah, and Ben uses the opportunity to make a fat joke. Jonathan points out that he'll be getting some, while Ben will be alone. Ben insists that he'll be getting some tonight too. Jonathan wants everyone to high five over getting some, but his friends just walk away.
Jonathan listens to music on his headphones at his house, while his parents read the paper in the background. He gets online and sends out an IM to invite everyone to Dino's party. Everyone responds in the affirmative, and Jonathan grins.
In the car, Dino asks his dad if he's going to bring some dirty movies along this weekend to "see if the old dog can still hunt." Ew! Who wants to know that about their parents? Dino says he's happy for his parents. His dad asks if Dino is curious about sex. He's a teenage boy. Of course he's curious about sex. Dino acts offended as his father offers to answer any questions. Dino insists that he's got it under control. His dad asks if Dino and Jackie are doing it. His dad brings up first base and second base and so forth and Dino calls him "Fonzie." Dino tries to redefine the bases, and then admits that no one really talks like that anymore. Before they can get anymore intimate, Dino turns up the radio, and his dad looks incredibly relieved.
Jonathan shaves in the bathroom, wearing only a towel. Man, look at those abs! Jonathan totally has a washboard stomach. Who knew? His mom knocks on the door and asks if he's okay, and his dad comes by and comments that Jonathan is probably masturbating. Jonathan yells that he can hear them and tells them to go away. His dad tells Jonathan to take his time, and shoos Jonathan's mom away. Jonathan freezetalks that his parents always think he's masturbating, and admits that they're usually right. He looks down and says that every time he thinks about Deborah, he gets a boner. He undoes his towel and looks alarmed because he spots a lump on his penis.
Ben fondles a bottle of vodka in a liquor store. An employee asks if he can help, and Ben claims that he's picking up some alcohol for his younger brother's twenty-first birthday party. Ben asks for a cheaper brand of vodka. The employee asks to see ID, and Ben hands it over. The employee stares at it.
Dino waits in a parking lot and then finally gets out of the car and walks into a food equipment supply store. When he enters the building, he spots his dad getting chewed out by a boss and looking miserable. His dad spots Dino and motions for one more minute, and then looks sad that Dino had to see that.
Jonathan goes online and types some search terms about his penis into a search engine. Oh, Google. The hypochondriac's biggest enabler. And I'm enough of a geek that I got upset that he used commas in between his search terms, which isn't necessary. Jonathan checks to make sure his parents aren't looking, and then clicks on a link from the results page and reads words like "clotting" and "rupture" and "cancer." He freezeyells, "Cancer? Penis cancer!" Jonathan's dad asks him to check on a baseball score and Jonathan abruptly yells that he has to go to the bathroom. Jonathan's parents exchange a look like, "Oh, our chronically masturbating son. That rascal." Ew.
Ben's ID must have passed muster, because he's paying for his liquor and making excuses about the picture on his ID. Miss Young walks in (is she stalking him?), and Ben worries that the jig is up, but she covers for him by saying that she thought he was still away at grad school. And then she hugs him. Inappropriate! On both counts. Miss Young talks to the clerk about how Ben is a big drinker. She snatches away his ID and calls him "Emilio." Ben looks constipated.
Jackie finishes soccer practice and tells someone that she's going over to Dino's that night. The other girl says she knows about the party and Jackie looks pissed. What is up with Jackie's hair? She's got it in two braids, and she's wearing a headband too. She's like a soccer-playing Pocahontas. Soccerhontas. ["Too bad Dino's not there to see it, since he's so desperate to Poke Her Hontas." -- Wing Chun] Other Friend comes over and says that she heard about the party. Jackie is pissed because she thought it was just going to be her and Dino tonight. Other Friend suggests that they go to a big party at the university instead, and Jackie agrees.
Dino hears his parents arguing and sneaks downstairs to eavesdrop. He hears his father saying that they can't go away this weekend because he has too much work to do. His mom says that this was the only weekend they could get the cabin. She spots Dino and assures him that it will be okay, and that they'll do something weekend instead. She promises that it'll be fine. Dino walks off and freezetalks that he's heard his parents fight before, but now he feels like he's responsible for the success or failure of their marriage. That's healthy. Dino suddenly remembers about the party, which has to be cancelled since his parents are staying home, and runs out of the house.
Miss Young gives Ben a ride. Not like that. Yet. He thanks her for being cool in the liquor store, but gives her shit for being inconsistent. She admits he has a point, and then says that he doesn't know her yet. Ben freezetalks that she says "yet" like he will know her in the future. Ben's cell rings, so he picks it up. Dino says he has to cancel the party because his parents aren't going away. Ben promises to take care of it. Dino hears Miss Young's ovary music and asks what Ben is listening to. Ben stammers something as Miss Young turns up the radio. It's like she wants to get caught. Ben says he has to go before Dino gets too suspicious. Ben tells Miss Young that he's free tonight, and Miss Young says that she's not. Ben is disappointed and Miss Young says that he can tag along this afternoon while she runs errands. They are dumb. And so going to be caught. But probably not until sweeps.
Jonathan contemplates a frozen gel pack before stuffing it down his pants. Dino calls to tell Jonathan that the party is off. Jonathan is relieved, because it means that he won't have to use his cancer-ridden penis. Jonathan promises to call everyone with the news.
Jackie and Other Friend shop at the clothing store where Deborah works. Deborah offers to let Jackie use her employee discount on a sparkly pink camisole. The phone rings, and it's Jonathan telling Deborah that the party is off. She tells everyone in the shop that the party is off. Jackie is sure that now Dino will call and want to go out, and she doesn't sound happy about it. Deborah gets back on the phone and asks Jonathan when they're going to get together. Jonathan glances at his icy genitals and says that he's not feeling well. Other Friend interrupts the conversation to declare that the party is back on, at Jackie's house. Jackie doesn't want that. Other Friend says that if Jackie "takes Dino's party," it'll show that she doesn't need him. I think Other Friend just wants to drink some beer. Jackie agrees. Deborah relays the info to Jonathan, explaining that she plans to see "all of [him]" at the party. Jonathan glances down again (at his penis!) and gulps.
Dino asks his parents what they're doing tonight. Dad says he has work to do. Dino leans against the doorway and suggests that they open a restaurant like his Dad has been suggesting. He looks to his mom for support, who offers it out of guilt. Dad wants to name it "Michael & Sons Ribs," but Dino thinks it should be called "Sonny's." So, wait. Just because Dino, their teenage son with no restaurant experience, made this suggestion, now they are actually going to do it. Like just saying you want to open a restaurant makes it a good idea. Or a profitable one. Dino and his dad attack E.B. and wrestle with him while Mom sits on the couch and laughs. She asks Dino if he's going out tonight. Dino asks if she is. She says carefully that she's staying right there. Dino's phone rings. It's Jonathan explaining that the party is now at Jackie's. Dino can't believe she didn't call and tell him herself. Jonathan says he might be a little late to the party and looks down his pants again, then pulls out the ice pack.
Jackie and Other Friend prepare the house for the party by carrying breakables outside. Jackie's phone rings and she sees that it's Dino. She shows Other Friend and then hangs up without answering. Dino gets her voicemail and leaves a message asking about the party.
Party! One thing that always bugs me about TV parties is that people are always dancing. No one ever danced at the parties I went to. Then again, Wing Chun was telling me that she thought those red plastic cups were a TV party thing, but every party I attended in high school (and most in college) used those cups. So who knows? Dino pours himself a drink. Some kid named Christopher introduces himself as Topher and starts talking to Dino about the tarantula he keeps in his locker. Dino isn't interested. Deborah runs up and asks if Dino has seen Jonathan. Topher takes off. Dino hasn't, and asks if Deborah has seen Jackie. Deborah says that Jackie is pissed at Dino, and Dino wonders why. Deborah doesn't want to get involved, and walks away.
Jackie runs downstairs and tells Other Friend that there are people having sex in her parents' bed. Other Friend is unfazed. Seriously. If you throw an open party, that's what happens. Jackie thinks the party is out of control. Other Friend claims that there are "loads of gorgeous college guys" there, and that Jackie could get any of them. No self-respecting college guy would go to a high-school party. Jackie notices Dino staring at her, and heads off with Other Friend to talk to some guys. Dino sarcastically remarks, "Oh, great. Just walk right on by." He walks out, and Jackie looks after him wistfully.
Dino's dad does work. Dino's mom sits down and tries to look at his work, but he complains that he needs to finish. Mom wants him to take a break and watch Roxanne with her. That's my cat's name. Shout-out? She reminds him that it's the movie they watched the night Dino was conceived. Dad chuckles and remembers that E.B. was conceived the night they watched The Three Amigos. These people have weird taste in movies. The doorbell rings. Mom goes to answer and finds some kids arriving for the party. I think they just arrived from 1992, because they're all in flannel shirts and toques. Dino's mom is like, "What party?" She slams the door and walks back into the dining room and prepares to watch the movie. Dad says he doesn't have time. She begs him to spend some time with her, and he promises that they'll do something the day. She stomps on out of there. Good communication skills. No wonder she's having an affair.
Jonathan sits in the doctor's office with a gown on. What doctor takes appointments on a weekend night? His phone rings, and he sees that it's Deborah, but he doesn't answer. The doctor walks in, and it's not his normal doctor. It's a hot lady doctor. Jonathan nervously says that the problem is embarrassing. He babbles for a while before admitting that he thinks he has cancer "down there." The doctor asks to take look, but Jonathan stalls before finally dropping trou.
Back at the party, Dino calls his mom to check in. He walks upstairs so that he can hear. Jackie notices him, and follows.
Doctor's office. Lady doctor giggles and apologizes for Jonathan, saying that she's never heard that one before. Jonathan looks chagrinned as he confirms, "It's just a vein." Lady doctor says that area seems a little irritated, so he should lay off it for a while. Jonathan confirms that it won't explode, and then gives the doctor a big hug, his bare ass hanging out in the breeze.
Ben and Miss Young pull up to the party. They spent the whole day together. Miss Young says that he can walk a few blocks to the party. Ben asks if she's not coming in, and Miss Young complains that she's too old. Ben says she's not old. Miss Young talks about how every year, the girls get younger and prettier. First of all, insecure much? Second, why is she comparing herself to her female students? I guess she considers them competition. Which is weird. Ben reassures her that none of them are prettier than she is. Miss Young smiles and gives Ben a big kiss on the lips, running her hands through his hair. Ben looks at the camera and grins. Miss Young says she'll see him in class, and Ben has permagrin. Miss Young reminds him that if she doesn't kiss him in school, it doesn't mean that she hates him. Ben, still giddy, says that he understands. Miss Young drives off in her Beetle of Inappropriate, Unethical Behavior.
At the party, Ben watches a couple making out to him on the couch and smiles. Some hot young chick leans into him and asks if he's seen the rest of the house. Ben totally doesn't get that she's hitting on him at first, but then turns her down and she stomps off.
Ben notices Jackie talking to a Sammy Hagar look-alike. Dino walks by and sees Jackie. He walks over and tells Ben that he's not jealous of that guy, and then asks why Ben turned down that hot chick. Ben tries to make excuses, but Dino isn't buying it. Ben claims the chick has been with many guys, like I'm sure Miss Young is a virgin. Dino walks off and Ben is like, "If you only knew."
Deborah walks up and asks if Ben has seen Jonathan. Ben is surprised that Jonathan isn't there. Deborah starts to talk to Ben about her relationship, and sits to him on the couch. Deborah says that she knows that they give Jonathan crap about her being fat and all. Ben lies that he thinks Jonathan is lucky to have her, and Deborah calls him on being full of crap. Ben laughs, and admits that he's busted.
Dino takes out his phone again. Jackie asks who he's been calling all night, and claims that he's avoiding her. Dino says that she's the one who's avoiding him. Cue high-school relationship fight #27. Jackie asks what happened to their quiet evening. Dino says that he can't talk to her now. They get into what they're really arguing about here. Jackie is pissed that Dino pressured her for sex, and then bailed when she gave in. Dino is pissed that she didn't give in until he stopped asking. Jackie thought she could trust him, but feels that she was wrong. Jackie yells that Dino's supposed to "act all weird and distant after [he] gets sex," not before. Jackie stomps off. Topher wanders up and makes some comment about how people can't stand hot chicks. Who is this guy? Should I care about him? I don't.
Dino's mom and dad are still fighting. Dad says he has to care about his job because he's afraid he's going to lose it. Mom asks if he's having an affair, like, projecting much? Dad points out that people having affairs stay late at the office, they don't bring work home. Mom points out that he's a fun dad, but that he and she don't have fun together anymore. Dad says that he wants to "maul" his kids, which doesn't seem like the right word choice there. He doesn't think that Mom ever wants a hug. She asks if she always has to make the first move. He wonders when that's happened, and she says that it happened ten minutes earlier. Dad says it was two months of a dry spell before that. It always comes back to sex, doesn't it? The doorbell interrupts them. The cast of Revenge of the Nerds is on the doorstep, looking for the party. Seriously, could they not get decent extras that actually look like teenagers? Mom slams the door in their faces. Dino's parents realize that he was planning a party. Mom says she's going to bed. Dad sighs.
Dino tries to call his parents. Dad listens to the message, where Dino says that he hopes he's not interrupting anything. Ew. Again, who hopes their parents are doing it? Dad looks guilty.
Ben and Deborah sit on the couch and bond over Trainspotting, which seems like a dated reference. Jonathan shows up, and Deborah says she's going to kick his ass. Ben agrees that she kicks ass, and Deborah asks him to quit with the fat jokes. Jonathan makes to hug Deborah, and she pushes him away since he made her wait around for so long. Jonathan hands her a bouquet of flowers, and Deborah is so psyched that she starts making out with him right there. Jonathan reaches behind him to get a low five from Ben.
Dino spots Sammy Hagar making the moves on Jackie. Jackie looks right at Dino to make sure he's looking before moving in for a kiss. Dino walks over and breaks it up. Sammy points out that it's Jackie's decision to make. Dino shoves Sammy and a fight starts. Everyone rushes in to break it up instead of standing around and chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Jackie orders Dino out of her house, and Ben and Jonathan follow.
Outside, Dino struggles to go back in and talk to Jackie, and Ben yells at him and asks what's wrong. After much begging from his friends, Dino finally admits that he busted his mom with Coach Scott. Ben and Jonathan are blown away. Dino starts crying. Ben freezetalks that this is so weird, because he's never seen Dino cry. Dino freezetalks that he can't believe he's crying in front of him. Jonathan freezetalks that Dino would always be there for him, and now Jonathan can return the favor. Jonathan announces that he went to the hospital because he thought his penis was going to explode. Ben and Dino start cracking up and making fun of Jonathan, as usual. This breaks the tension. Dino asks Ben if he has anything to share with the group. Ben thinks it over and says there's nothing interesting going on with him. Ben apologizes to Dino, and Dino asks them not to tell anyone. Jonathan gives Dino a hug Dino starts to walk home. Ben and Jonathan look at each other like "Dude" before taking off.
Dino arrives home and lets himself into the house. He finds his dad sleeping on the couch in front of the hockey game on television. Dino shuts off the TV and puts a blanket over his dad, taking the parental role. Dino sits on the couch to his father, like, who wouldn't wake up? I guess Dino's dad is a sound sleeper.