The scene: a New York City subway platform during rush hour. Guest star Nicole Sullivan from Mad TV comes down the stairs talking on a cell phone, looking harried and distracted. Viewers everywhere start waving their arms trying to get her attention: "Nicole!" they cry. "Wrong show!" But she doesn't yet realize she's taken a wrong turn at Talk to Me and has now wandered into a nasty television neighborhood. Here, in the gritty tunnels of the city, there is no sketch comedy, and we fear for Nicole as she gets on the train. She swigs her coffee and groans as commuters shove past her to board and get off at the stop. Cut to a shot of the train moving through the tunnel. Cut to a shot of Nicole's legs, and in the foreground we see a man's hand extending a retractable knife. Oh no! It's Psychosexual Image Theatre! We cringe, and then the knife man rushes Nicole and slams her against the door at the back of the car. He's got a hooded sweatshirt on and he hisses, "Open your mouth and I'll slit your throat, bitch!" Scary, scary scene showing Nicole pressed up against the window while the man in the hooded sweatshirt takes her by force. Cut to shots of commuters acting way more concerned with COUNTING THE PARTICLES IN THE AIR IN FRONT OF THEM than with what's happening to Nicole. What, have they all decided that she's just not a special enough victim?!!? Just as the train pulls into the station, Hooded Sweatshirt Guy gets off her and shoves his way out through the doors. Nicole slumps to the floor of the train in shock. People suck.
Opening credits. Pictures of missing kids. Dead prostitutes. Hell, the whole world sucks.
At the station, Cap'n Cragen is briefing the SVU on the case. This is such a big case that nobody's going to mess with a bunch of that bureaucratic expository dialogue today! Everyone says one line and hustles out the door. Jeffries says hers: "He carries a box cutter, waits till the train is almost at the station, and boom -- he's gone." Munch: "And no one says, 'How typical.'" Stabler: "Seven times in six months." Benson: "That makes it three times this month." Whoosh! They fly out of the station, leaving clouds of dust and clichés.
As they cross the police barriers set up outside a subway entrance, Jeffries asks Munch what's wrong. "If you must know, Monique," says Munch. "Today's my wedding anniversary." "Ooh, sorry!" says Jeffries. "Which one?" "Exactly," says Munch. Aw, Munch. See if Briscoe wants come over and play Ex-Wife Trading Cards. Down on the platform, Jeffries and Munch speak with transit authorities, who tell them that the crime occurred a few stops back. "What, it took her that long to find a transit cop?" remarks Jeffries. Mr. Transit Cop looks around nervously and doesn't have an answer. "Hey! Who are you?" he asks a reporter writing things down in a notebook. The reporter introduces himself as Nick Gantzner, and he's with the Post. "We're all workin' together to get this guy," he says. "And I been watching that NYPD Blue so's I know how to sound all streetwise talkin' wit youse cops." Well, practically. "Yeah, right," says Munch. Munch and Jeffries step into the train car which has been secured as a crime scene. Munch exchanges the usual nasty complaining bitchy banter with the transit evidence cop, which is to say he Gets His Munch On. The evidence cop has turned up nothing except for the coffee cup that Nicole was drinking from when she was attacked. Starbucks decided to pass on doing a product placement here. Hmm, wonder why.
Cut to Stabler and Benson's interview with Nicole (her character's name is "Jen," but whatever). "If I hadn't stopped for coffee, I would've been on a different train." "It's not your fault," says Stabler. "I know!" says Nicole, who won't have any of this special-victim crap. Benson asks Nicole about the crime: "What did you do when he attacked you?" "I just stood there," she says, disgusted. "It all happened so quickly, I just couldn't believe it. So much for taking kickboxing." Stabler hands her a police sketch based on the attacks. Apparently he has a cold, and since Stabler lives in TV Land, he just naturally assumes that if he puffs his chest out dramatically and sneezes with the approximate force and decibel level of an M-80 explosive, friends or co-workers will pop up to alleviate his suffering with a box of Extra Strength Formula Comtrex Caplets. No such luck for Stabler. He hands the police sketch to Nicole. "Does this look like him?" he asks. "Yes, that looks like him," says Nicole. "It also looks like the Unabomber," she says sarcastically. She describes him: brown hair, beak nose, dark hooded sweatshirt, which means the squad can always call the Beastie Boys if they need to fill out a lineup. "He was panting at me," Nicole says, losing her composure a little. "He was panting like a dog." Benson knits her eyebrows to express either "sympathy" or "did I leave my curling iron on this morning?" "Anyway," says Nicole, "he left his mark on my dress." Ew! For the record, the show's Ew-o-meter has now logged 246 "ew!" moments this season.
Chung-chung! Benson and Stabler are talking to one of the witnesses, an executive type who was riding the train. He's saying that he didn't notice much of the crime because he was "in the zone," and ignores the blind people on the chain selling keychains. What kind of fucking zone is this? Do you get towed for having a soul or something? Once ExecuWitness finally noticed the rapist attacking Nicole, he didn't want to get near him, because the creep had on work clothes with paint drips on his pants. "I didn't want to get paint on my coat," he says. Benson points out just how fucked up that is. ExecuWitness gets an uncomfortable, constipated look as he tries to process remorse.
Elsewhere, a Transit Authority official points to a map. "Today's attack, between Chamber Street station and Fulton, fits neatly into our pattern -- WHICH is, that there is no pattern," he says. Munch and Jeffries rattle his cage. "Why aren't you requesting to have transit cops on every train, installing security cameras in each car? I mean, hey, get with the twenty-first century, right?" asks Jeffries. "We are," says Transit Authoritarian, "year. But all the computers in the world are not going to stop this guy from sticking his hand up some girl's skirt." Jeffries cuts the rope on her Acme catapult and launches a half-ton of projectile kickass on Transit Authoritarian's head. "RAPE, Greenberg!" she snaps. "Not fondling, not petting, not unwarranted advances -- rape. On your subway, remember?" The cinderblock hallway they're in gives her bitch-out the righteous echo it deserves. Transit Authoritarian's weenie shrivels. Michelle Hurd punches out on her Kickass Performance time card.
Meanwhile, Benson and Stabler interview another witness, a Caribbean woman with a lilting, musical Caribbean accent. Stabler and Benson: "Ma'am, did you see anything?" Caribbean woman: "No, but listen to me speak the lilting, musical Caribbean accent!" Stabler and Benson: "Whatever. Thanks."
Back at the station, Munch and Jeffries and Benson and Stabler all stand around discussing . . . well, actually I don't know what they're discussing, because the Closed Captioning here says only: "[discussing.]" So we guess it's a meta discussion on the nature of discourse itself. Or something. Enter Cap'n Cragen, busting in on the phenomenological fun. "Listen up people! Excuse me!" Everyone looks up, like, what does the Muppet want now? Cragen introduces them to Audrey Jackson, forensic psychologist. "Our friend the deputy commissioner decided it would be a good idea if she joined our team." Translation: "This spin-off ain't big enough for both me and goddamn Skoda." So now the Unit has "Skodetta," who gives the Unit a decidedly shrinky little smile. The Unit nods back awkwardly and mumble greetings. Benson begins to brief Cragen, and mentions the paint on the perp's pants. Cragen thinks that this means the guy must be a painter, though I say you can't rule out that guy in the Mentos commercials, you know? Who's about to go for a job interview and sits on that park bench that's just been painted? Cragen figures they should look into all the paint and hardware stores near the subway stop where the attack happened. In the background, Skodetta is cocking her head so that her big old brain can suck up all the data through her ear canal.
Cragen asks the squad how the latest victim resembles the other witnesses. "They were all women wearing skirts," says Benson. Skodetta suddenly pipes up: "Women wearing skirts? Is that all you got?" Uncomfortable silence. "Women wearing skirts on the subway," says Stabler, using his stuffed-up-cold voice for maximum deadpan effect. Heh, Stabler. The rest of the squad begins muttering that the victims were different ages and races. "Okay, what about body types?" asks Skodetta. "Big, little? Does he overpower them?" "Well, he uses a knife," says Benson. "Yeah, but it's safe to say that's part of the thrill for him, safe to say that," says Munch, shooting evil duh rays though his glasses. "Okay, I understand your resistance," says Skodetta, "but I was sent here to offer any psychological insight that may help you get this guy." Everyone's like, oh, fine, and lets Skodetta Get Her Psych On. "He's a dog," she says. "What gets him off is the hunt." She says he could ride around all day until he finds the perfect victim. "With this guy, you can't plant a decoy because he doesn't have a type." "So we wait?" says Cragen. "We wait," says Skodetta. "Wait's over," says Munch hanging up the phone. "The dog found another human fire hydrant." He and Jeffries hustle out. Hello, Analogy Police? I'd like to report Munch.
Chung-chung! 59th Street station, Columbus Circle. A transit cop is leading Jeffries and Munch to the train. "Ballsy old lady sees the guy attack the girl," he says. "Cries wolf. One guy wrestles him to the ground, another guy pulls the emergency brake between Lincoln Center and Columbus Circle, and I walk back in the tunnel and apprehend the suspect." The cops walk over to the subway car, past Nick Gantzner, who gives Munch a suck-uppy smile. Inside the car sits a sad-looking man surrounded by cops. "Call me the dog-catcher," brags the transit cop. The camera pans over to the suspect. By "dog" we were kind of thinking more along the lines of a vicious leg-humping Rottweiler. This guy is Droopy Dog.
Benson and Stabler interrogate Droopy. "The train jerked, I fell against her," he says. Oh, blame it all the big phallic train, why don't you? "How many times did you fall against her?" asks Stabler. Droopy says the girl on the train overreacted. "I had one hand on the pole," says Droopy. "The other was in my pocket." Droopy, dude -- they're trying to pin a sex crime on you and you're saying "jerked," and you're saying "hand on the pole," and you¹re getting yourself into quite an, um . . . pickle. "I was just standing there, that's how I stand," he says. Benson doesn't buy it: "We've got three witnesses that put you on top of her." Stabler walks over and asks Droopy what's on his pants. "Paint," says Droopy. Stabler makes Droopy stand up. "Paint from what?" he asks. "A window I did," says Droopy. The detectives think it's fishy that Droopy could be so specific about where the paint came from, if he's a house painter and paints all day long. "A window, my ass," says Benson. "Take off your pants, please." "Do I have to?" asks Droopy. Benson says he does. "Can I say something?" he asks nervously, shifting his feet and hesitating with his fly. "I meant a store window . . . I kinda do window displays." "Why didn't you say so before?" Benson says. Droopy fidgets. "You know . . . people think it's a little fruity." "But you're not," says Stabler. "You like women," adds Benson. "Yeah!" says Droopy, "I mean . . . no!" Stabler and Benson order him to take off his pants. I flee the room in order to avoid seeing the Droopy Drawers.
Outside, Cap'n Cragen and Skodetta are watching through the two-way mirror. Skodetta says Droopy is "like a kid who's lying about a book he didn't read. He's feeling guilty about something." Back in the room, Stabler is holding out Droopy's trousers. "Okay, we're doing a DNA check on the, uh, " he peeks down inside the waistband, "sample in these pants." Okay, I'd like to take a moment to commend the entire L & O: SVU cast for the way they've mastered a particular voice inflection that somehow can transform ANY word in the English language into a euphemism for "semen." I'm serious. Just listen to how Stabler says "sample" in this scene and then use this same tone to pronounce perfectly innocuous words: say "pigeon," or "snowball," or "tea bag," or "yogurt." See what I mean? ["Ew, 'tea bag.'" -- Sars] Anyway, Stabler tells Droopy that they're going to match it against "the seven other rapes that you did." While Droopy nervously protests that he didn't rape anyone, Stabler notices that one of the pockets is missing from The Telltale Pants. "Are you a lefty or a righty?" he asks Droopy. "Lefty," says Droopy. "It's the left pocket that's missing," notes Stabler. "Oldest perv trick in the book," says Benson. "'You want some change? You want some candy? It's in my pocket!' Only it's not coins or peppermints they find -- it's your willy, Bruce!" And now let's consider the way Benson can say "willy," and make it sound about as raunchy as a paper clip. The networks are like that. Droopy protests some more: "No! I keep my razor knife in my left pocket! It must have cut a hole." The mention of the razor knife sets off Stabler and Benson's Perp Alarms, and they slap the cuffs on Droopy. Like he'd have a razor knife in the same pocket with his willy.
, the SVU talks to Ballsy Old Lady who saw Droopy "adjusting himself" and rubbing up against the girl on the train. "What did she do?" asks Munch. "Nothing!" says Ballsy Old Lady, disgusted. "That's why I said something. Shouted it out to the whole car. For all the times that I've stood there and taken it, enough already." Work it, Grandma Cojones!
In the station, Benson walks over to her desk. Nick Gantzner the toady reporter is there. "Missed you at Columbus Circle," he says. "Missed you too," says Benson, flirtily. Gantzner asks about Droopy's arrest. "That's on the record," says Benson. "What do you want from me?" "Deep background," says Gantzner, which I think we're supposed to take as meaning he's interested in, good God, her deep background, too. "Uh, looks promising," says Benson, playing along with the double-speak. "Is he the one?" he asks. "One should never let their guard down," says Benson. "No, they shouldn't," says Gantzner. "Chinese Wall," says Benson. "Eight o' clock." Gantzner: "Moo shu?" Benson: "Dim sum!" Me: I gag.
Munch and Jeffries talk to another of Droopy's witnesses. Burly Construction Worker hoists a few bricks, lest we think that Burly Construction Worker's character development is lacking a certain burly-construction-worker essence. He says he saw Droopy perving up the girl on the train, so he grabbed Droopy and held him down until the police arrived. Because he's just that kind of guy. He's Burly Construction Worker Man.
, Jeffries and Munch go talk to the doctor who examined Droopy's victim. The doctor says there's no physical evidence of rape. "She says nothing happened," he says. "So she's in denial," Jeffries guesses. "Maybe, or . . . nothing happened," says the doctor. New York Stereotype Theater (tm Pooh) presents Sassy City Girl as Droopy's so-called victim. Sassy City Girl insists the whole incident is Just Another Day on the Feel-Up Express. "So someone's always touching you?" says Jeffries, who apparently leaves her nerve endings at home when she rides the subway. Sassy City Girl is saying, "Half of riding in the subway is keeping your purse zipped, your pockets closed, and your jacket buttoned," as if she'd really need to tell a cop this. The other half, she says, is keeping everyone else's hands in sight. "Kind of hard to do when you're reading," notes Munch. "No, you read a line, scan the car, read a line, scan the car," says Sassy City Girl, the key to all the heretofore undivulged Mysteries of Urban Commuting. ["For the record, it isn't that bad." -- Sars] "And you mind your own business," she says. "Which is what that lady should have done." "So he didn't rape you," says Jeffries. Whoosh! Jeffries's bangs fly in the breeze as everything the woman just told her flies over her head. Sassy City Girl says Droopy didn't even flash her. She goes into a little diatribe on how skanky the subway always is. "I wish I had a Mustang and lived in the 'burbs," she says. "Amen, sister," says Munch. Munch, you go, girl! You're every woman.
Cap'n Cragen, Skodetta, and Stabler discuss bringing the other subway rape victims to ID Droopy in a line-up. "Each of these women was assaulted on public transit. You're going to let them take the train down here?" asks Skodetta. Because only Skodetta with her brilliant analytical mind and all her advanced degrees and Tony Awards can understand that women who have been raped on a train tend to get a little anxious riding trains afterwards. "So you think we should pick up each of those women and bring them down here personally?" Uh, no -- you send them those CAB VOUCHERS that you've MENTIONED IN OTHER EPISODES. But this never occurs to Cragen, and reluctantly he agrees to have the SVU pick every vic up and bring them down to the station. Skodetta smirks in her shrinky manner. She shmirks.
Droopy and four other Droopyesques stand in a line-up. Victim One shakes her head. "Guess I'll still be taking cabs," she snaps at Cragen. Victim Two shakes her head and acts jumpy. Victim Three shrugs. Victim Four freaks and IDs everyone. "I see parts of him everywhere," she says. Victim Five casually ID's Droopy. Victim Six breaks down crying and hugs Jeffries. Victim Seven is Nicole. "I don't know . . . could be Number Four. What if I'm wrong?" she asks. Benson says it'll become an issue during the trial. "By then we'll have the DNA results back," adds Stabler. Nicole figures that means they don't really need her at all. "We need your ID to get an indictment in front of a grand jury," says Benson. "Yeah, but in front of a jury, it doesn't matter what I see in here -- all that matters is the stuff on my dress matches his --" Nicole pauses to choose a Spunky Euphemism "-- genetic material." "Yeah, but how that material got there, that's what's most important," says Stabler. "I don't see him," says Nicole.
Hey! It's that cool Volkswagen commercial from last year! Where they've edited out last year's Jetta and spliced in the new model! Everything is in synch to the windshield wipers and the trippy music! Oh, wait, except for the CAR ITSELF.
Cragen discusses Droopy with Skodetta and an ADA, who, as always, is a graduate of the Barbizon Law School of Foxy Prosecutors. To keep the case alive they'll have to re-arrest Droopy on a lesser charge of subway fondling. "Why would he cop to that if he's got a pass on the rapes?" "Because he knows he's guilty," says Skodetta. "So use it," Cragen tells her.
Skodetta goes into the interrogation room where Droopy is waiting with his lawyer. Droopy's lawyer: "I'm the suspect's lawyer on a Law & Order show! Bitterly I speak my three lines per episode!" Skodetta sits down and introduces herself to Droopy as "a court-appointed shrink," and tells him that he won't be charged with the rapes. "I didn't think they believed me," says Droopy. "That's their job," says Skodetta. "Do you like riding the subways, Bruce?" she asks. "Well, yeah . . ." says Droopy. "The motion, you know -- it rocks you side to side, front to back --" "It's soothing," says Skodetta. "Like being in a womb." Uh -- yeah, like being in a womb while Mom is rollerblading, drunk, during an earthquake, but whatever. Droopy's lawyer doesn't go for Skodetta's psychobabble. "Bitter retort!" he says. Skodetta argues that it's her job to make Droopy feel better. Droopy speaks up: "I came here from South Dakota. I was the geek, all right? I grew up in a farming community. I was artistic." From the way he says it, it's clear that "artistic" carried about as much cachet in his hometown as "experiencing a sexual identity crisis and dressing as another gender." "So I came here to New York," Droopy says. "It was my dream." But, alas, poor Droopy. In the wasteland of the city, he found himself without friends. It certainly was not the time of his life; no, his move to New York had not been a felicitous one. Indeed, some nights it seemed the buildings loomed like huge, fearsome white teeth. Droopy continues his sad story. "The other day, I got drunk. I went to some porno place where they dance behind the window, and the thing I knew, my face was against the glass, and I was weeping . . . for everything." "So, when you got on the subway, you had already -- relieved yourself," says Skodetta. "You weren't looking for sex." "No," says Droopy. "I just -- I was lonely -- and I saw her, and then when I realized what I was doing then I pulled back. I just -- wanted some contact." Aww, now I'm all depressed. I could practically take a hug from goddamn Barney the Dinosaur after hearing that story.
Some stupid little transitional scene where Skodetta tells Cap'n Cragen that Droopy isn't the rapist, in case anyone didn't get it.
It's Miller Time for Benson and Nick Gantzner, who sit at a bar and drink cool, refreshing pilsners. I have to say that Mariska Hargitay looks remarkably good in this scene. You'd think she was the offspring of a Hollywood starlet and a Mr. Universe or something. Gantzner reminds Benson that most people get weirded out by her because she's an SVU cop and they move away from her on the couch, but he doesn't mind her Pervert Cooties, so for some reason she decides to leave the restaurant/bar with him. Waiter? She'd like a doggy bag for what's left of her self-esteem.
Kissy action at la Casa de Benson. Gantzner and Benson exchange nauseating dialogue about whether she keeps her eyes open or shut during sex. "Let's not talk," says Benson. Hello! Thank you! Gantzner stands behind her and chomps at her neck. "Let's pretend," he says. "Pretend what?" asks Benson. "That I'm the guy on the subway," he says. Benson's personal ew-o-meter turns over. She is seriously creeped out: "Okay, stop it." "Just for fun," he says, grabbing her arms. "What would you do?" "Oh, my God," she says, breaking his grip and shoving him off. She wipes her mouth and backs off towards the bathroom. "Wow, I'm going to go wash my face, and my hands, and my mouth. There's the door. Uh, make sure you're out of here when I get out. Gone!" She slams the bathroom door. Gantzner is pissed off, and for some reason Closed Captioning thinks this is just the right moment to note: "[jazz music playing softly.]" Anyway. Gantzer is thinking, "Curses! That infernal, soft-playing jazz!" and starts to walk out when he notices some file folders on Benson's desk. He opens up a red one and sees a mug shot of some perv attached to a dossier. Hey, he thinks, there are some swell dating tips in here! The ladies are going to love this!
We know where this is going. day (or something) Cap'n Cragen calls Benson into his office, where he's holding a newspaper. "It's uncanny, how this reporter, this Nick Gantzner, seemed to get right inside the head of the Subway Rapist -- it's almost as if he got it straight from the horse's mouth." Benson explains that she asked him to leave her apartment and she turned her back, and that's when Gantzner went up to the horse and pried open its mouth and extracted the Subway Rapist's head and carefully dissected it. "Never turn your back on a reporter," scolds Cragen. Ugh, especially when it's his favorite sex position. "Believe me, I won't," says Benson, and she says she'll handle the situation. Just then the door opens. "There's been another rape, the car's at the Delancey Street Station," says Munch. "Unbelievable," says Cragen.
Chung-chung! Delancey Street. The hot-shot transit cop from Columbus Circle tells Munch and Jeffries that one of the witnesses grabbed the rapist's coat and something fell out of his pocket. It's a claim ticket from a parking lot. "You use the subway, why do you need a parking stub?" The lot's in Queens . . .
. . . where the car has already been picked up for the day, but, hey! the parking attendant says the driver is some white guy who parks there regularly, and, hey! is always driving either a truck or a van from his place of work, and, hey! the parking attendant has photographic memory and can say, right off the bat, that the place is "Dewell's Painting and Contracting" . . .
. . . where, hey! there's only one white employee, a Sal Avelino, and his boss says he takes the van or truck on suspiciously long supply runs, but, hey! he's there on the job right now! Hey!
Munch and Jeffries haul his spattered ass in for questioning, and when they go through his wallet they find two driver's licenses, his and some woman's. "I found it, I was going to return it, but I forgot." "Who's Sidra Lonstein?" asks Munch. "I don't know her," Avelino says. Munch also finds a Metro card. "A record of your travels! Let's see where the day took you!" he tells Avelino. They get the Transit Authoritarian to try and look it up on the computer, but the computer won't work and Transit is in a nasty mood and Munch tells him to go sit on the third rail. Which is to say that Munch Gets His Munch On some more.
Avelino gets himself a lawyer, who marches up to Cragen and says, "I'm the Snotty Defense Lawyer With Only Three Lines! Not to be confused with the Bitter Defense Lawyer With Only Three Lines!" Cragen insists that Avelino stand for a line-up. "My client wants to be first in line," says the lawyer. "Did I mention that I'm snotty?" Cragen looks at Avelino. "You want to be Number One? Is that your lucky number or something?" "As a matter of fact it is," says Avelino. "Okay -- Number One it is," says Cragen. "Good luck." What, Cragen, you want the guy to say, "Thanks! I hope all my victims don't recognize me either!" Huh?
Avelino is the first one into the line-up room, and Nicole is the first victim to ID him. "Number One," says Nicole, before the four other creep-alikes have even had a chance to come in. "I'm sorry, you'll have to wait till all five are present." Nicole waits exactly two seconds until they're all holding up their cards. "Number One," she repeats. Jeffries walks Nicole out, telling her that they'll contact her about testifying. "You did great," she says. "Yeah," says Nicole, in a disgusted tone, like, "I'm fucking bubbling over with pride." She bursts into the room where the other victims are waiting with Little Briscoe. "Forgot my scarf," she says. Little Briscoe jumps up. "I'll get it!" "How was it?" Victim Six asks Nicole. Before Little Briscoe can tell her to shut up, Nicole says it was "short and quick." "Like him," quips Victim Two. "That bastard!" says Victim Six. Little Briscoe is freaking out. "Everybody stop! Miss Calder, you're not supposed to --" "I'm not supposed to what?" says Nicole. Jeffries comes in and sees what's happening. "Oh, GREAT," she says. There's an emergency meeting in Cragen's office. Little Briscoe's ass is brisket! "They can't talk! What were you thinking?" asks Munch. "It happened so fast!" cries Little Briscoe. "Well, you better start working on your reflexes, son," says Cragen. "On the street I'm fine! I got six women in there! They all start yakking at once!" Little Briscoe protests. Little Briscoe's got to learn to handle groups of women if he expects to follow in his uncle's footsteps and marry groups of women.
Chung-chung! Arraignment hearing. Avelino's lawyer snottily tells the judge what happened. "Of course they identified my client. They had prior knowledge that he was in the lineup!" The foxy ADA protests: "But the absolute certainty with which the first rape victim identified the attacker --" Snotty Defense Lawyer interrupts: "Specter of impropriety blah blah blah only evidence is a parking ticket stub blah blah I'm snotty snotty snotty!" Foxy ADA adds that the evidence also includes a Metro card and eight DNA samples. "Which, without those Ids, means nothing, except that they had sex," says the judge. "Exactly, Your Honor," says Snotty Lawyer. "Move to dismiss." The Honorable Judge Dickcheese favors Snotty over Foxy. "Case dismissed!" He bangs the gavel. On everyone's last nerve.
Back at the station, everyone's pissed. "Consensual sex with a stranger on a subway holding a box cutter," says Stabler incredulously. "Now what planet is this judge from?" "Planet of the apes," says Benson. Cap'n Cragen wants to find out about this Sidra Lonstein chick whose license was found on Avelino. "Seven months ago all her credit card numbers changed," says Stabler. "So for all we know, she could be one of his victims -- and, an uncontaminated complaining witness." Munch says he'll go look for her, and Stabler is coming along, since Jeffries is out waiting to arrest Avelino again. Cragen's like, "whatever," and he turns and walks back and gives a file to a middle-aged woman in a pink blouse. "Okay, Detective, I want you to run this down for me, all right?" The woman nods and steps away. That extremely nuanced nodding-and-stepping-away performance was brought to you by none other than the actual New Jersey Evil Governor Christie Whitman, making a cameo appearance on this week's episode. Of course, at the time I first saw this I had no idea who Evil Governor Christie Whitman was, but fellow recapper Pooh does, and she clued me in after I mentioned to her that "I just loved that scene where Cragen gives a file to a woman who nods and steps away!" I mean, the way she nodded and stepped away made it clear that the file was important! Otherwise, you know, she wouldn't have immediately stepped away, but the way she just NODDED kept me thinking, like maybe it was some kind of bluff and she had some other reason for stepping away. I hope she becomes a recurring character! I would love to see her stand by a desk, or wave to one of the other characters, or turn towards a filing cabinet. Sometimes she could even wear a blue blouse!
Somewhere in the city, Sal Avelino is using his evil box cutter to open unsuspecting and defenseless boxes. Jeffries is parked across the street in an unmarked police car and sees all.
Munch and Stabler talk to a neighbor of Sidra Lonstein, who describes her as "the cleaning lady with the Mona Lisa smile," and "a saint." Put that in your narrative exposition pipe and smoke it.
Benson shows up at Nick Gantzner's office. "Olivia! I was just going to call you," he says. "Right after I get reamed by my boss for letting you read a confidential police transcript -- my captain doesn't care about the details, so it looks like I screwed up." "You're being too hard on yourself," says Nick. "Save it," she says, and tosses a folder on his desk, saying it's a cold case and he should check it out. Nick reads the file: "Phillip Sternhagen, convicted of a strangulation/torture -- who the hell is this?" "A man with a rich fantasy life, who couldn't stop," says Benson. Nick blanches. Benson raises her voice so that the others in the office can hear her. "A man who uses women without the slightest twinge of regret. A man like you, Gantzner! A man like you." Benson turns on her heel and walks out. Gantzner's co-workers gawk at him. Gantzner feels like poo.
Stabler and Munch find Sidra Lonstein taking a break in the subway tunnel where she works as a janitor. She's very pregnant and her disposition is just a little too sunny. Stabler hands Sidra her license, and Munch asks her how she lost it. "On the subway," she says. "Some guy bumped into me." Munch gawks down at her pregnant belly. D'oh!
They bring her in and sit her down in Cragen's office, and Munch and Stabler and Cragen all look while she pats her maternity jumper and beams. Stabler is asking her when she's due. "About eight or nine weeks," she says. "I'm not sure." Stabler sits down near her and starts chatting with her about how he and his wife found out that sometimes the pregnancy lasts more like ten months. "Depending on conception," he says, like, hint-hint. She grins. "It's all a mystery." Everyone gets more uncomfortable as it becomes clear it's time for Sex Ed With Coach Cragen. He asks her about the man who bumped into her on the subway seven months ago. "Uhh -- what kind of a bump was it?" he asks. Sidra doesn't get it, but eventually she mentions that she was wearing a dress that day. Munch comes over and asks her if she knows about the subway rapist. She nods, getting upset. "Do you know how much damage he's caused?" "Not to me," she says. "We need your help, we really do, Sidra," says Munch. "Okay," she says, with resignation and some kind of disappointment in her face. Munch holds up a photo line-up, and Sidra IDs Avelino. Cragen thanks her and Stabler helps her out of her chair. "Take my arm -- not my hand, because I'm working on a cold," says Stabler, but Sidra grabs his hand anyway and he hauls her up. Cragen and Munch watch her leave. "If she doesn't say rape, we don't get a conviction," says Munch. "Then get him to say it," says Cragen. And get her a clue, the poor dope.
Jeffries and Munch haul Avelino's ass into the interrogation room and tell him about a court order to perform an amniocentesis on a woman to check for DNA results. "Amnio? You mean like on pregnant ladies?" says Avelino. "Bad luck, you knocked her up," says Munch. Avelino freaks.
Stabler brings Sidra a glass of milk. "You feeling okay?" he asks her. She says she is. "Funny, because so am I," says Stabler, "I've had a cold for a week. You touched my hand, and now it's gone. Can you explain that?" "No," Sidra giggles. She probably hopes Stabler is suffering from a groin pull, too. Just then Munch and Jeffries haul Avelino past, and Avelino stops to gawk at Sidra. "Is it you?" he says. Stabler gets up, but Munch holds him back. "It's me," says Sidra. "The girl in the flowered dress, right? Tulips?" asks Avelino. Sidra nods with dread while Avelino goes on. "They said you were number eight or something. I wondered -- because I knew that when I did you, that something beautiful could happen . . . yeah . . . that you'd get pregnant, and you'd have my baby. My baby." Sidra looks horrified, and Stabler and Jeffries haul him out while Avelino still calls out: "Hey, when I get out, we'll be together, okay? We'll be a family, huh? A family . . ." Sidra breaks down weeping as she hears him down the hall saying, "It's my baby. My baby . . ." Time to borrow some of that soap from Benson. I need it for my brain.