Mad phat props to Sars, Wing, Wendola, and Mama Bear. Mad phat anti-props to the MBTV VCR curse.
Chung-chung! We're off to the pervert races with a guy in a beige uniform peering in the half-open door of an apartment. He goes in and calls for the tenant, Mrs. Bernstein, and then gasps, "Oh, my God!" as he sees that her living room has been ransacked. He continues into the bedroom, where he and the audience are horrified to find Mrs. Bernstein, an elderly lady, tied to her bed, apparently dead. He and I both run out of the room. Fasten your barf bags, kids, it's gonna be a skeevy ride. Cut to a beautiful profile shot of my boyfriend, Detective Elliot Stabler, walking through Mrs. Bernstein's living room. We learn that Mrs. Bernstein lived alone as Stabler and Benson go into the bedroom and all the color drains from their faces when they take in the scene. We learn from the CSU guy that the perp ejaculated on her thigh and tied her up with her own support hose. Benson deduces that the perp came unprepared and the rape was an afterthought. Stabler is understandably disgusted and wonders, "How do you get those thoughts about someone who looks like your grandmother?" Roll dead-hooker-scary-headline-bad-rip-off-theme-song credits.
Fade in on Keller and Schillinger congratulating themselves on their success in getting rid of O'Reilly. No wait, I'm confused. It's Stabler and Dr. Skoda shaking hands, and Stabler thanking the good doctor. Cap'n Cragen (tm Wendola) happens upon this scene after the shrink has left, and wonders what was up with that. He and Stabler have a disagreement about whether Skoda is "a handful" or "the best at what he does." Cragen is visibly upset (read: REALLY deep creases in the forehead, coupled with squinted eyes, as opposed to bugged-out eyes), and wants to hold off on calling Skoda in on the case. Stabler informs his boss that it's too late, he's "already invited him in." Cragen rolls his big ol' Muppet eyes and sighs.
Cut to Benson and Stabler briefing the rest of the SVU on the victim and the crime: Lenora Bernstein got up, had her usual breakfast, got back into bed, and some "junkie skell" came in through the window she forgot to lock, tied her up, gagged her, and probably raped her. We learn that she was seventy-two years old, widowed, and her only son already died. Her address book reads like the obits, with names crossed out and funeral cards in every page, which prompts Jeffries's first line of the episode, "As if it weren't terrifying enough facing the twilight years alone." Thanks for the cheer, Monique! Anyway, Stabler just can't wrap his mind around this kind of crime, and questions what kind of man rapes a little old lady. The good doctor busts out with the theory that the perp is "sexually inexperienced. Late teens, early twenties, a social misfit. If he's been employed at all, it's been intermittent, menial work." "Projected mother rage?" suggests Benson. Skoda agrees, "Yeah, that would track. Mother may have molested or abandoned him." Cragen's had enough with the psycho-speak, and with all due respect, he "would really like to hear from the perp himself how he felt about his mother." Skoda just chuckles to himself about the little Muppet ignoramus and walks away.
Over at the Medical Examiner's office, a damn fine looking ME informs Jeffries and Munch that Mrs. B died of an acute myocardial infarction -- a heart attack. The trauma of the rape produced a sudden burst of adrenaline, which in someone Mrs. Bernstein's age definitely would lead to a heart attack. So the fact that she died during the commission of a felony makes this a Murder Two case. , the ME tells the detectives that there is vulvar (which he pronounces VOL-VAR) bruising, but no internal tearing or abrasions. He guesses that the guy was "flustered -- overly stimulated," which Munch, Master of the Obvious interprets to mean "premature ejaculator." Jeffries requests that the ME expedite the DNA analysis, the two of them have this cute little flirtation thing going, and then Munch busts in and asks how long before the 10:53 time of death the heart attack started. The cute ME will inform them as soon as he knows.
Benson and Stabler are walking down the sidewalk talking to a little old lady, and Stabler is carrying her grocery bag for her. Have I mentioned that I love him? ’Cause I do. Anyway, they're asking Mrs. Bernstein's friend if Mrs. B had anything of great value, which she did but had to sell. Stabler asks the little lady if she's sure, because Mrs. B's jewelry box was cleaned out. According to her friend, Mrs. B only had some costume pieces, but nothing of any worth. Aww, that's sad.
Over at a pawnshop, Jeffries and Munch show the dealer a picture of a jeweled insect pin, and ask if anyone's tried to sell it in the last few days. The dealer turns up his nose at the piece, claiming he wouldn't want anything so cheap that you can get from QVC. Jeffries tries to help him remember by telling him, "the guy also would have had a faux pearl necklace [no comment], faux onyx ring, faux diamond ring," but the pawn shop guy interrupts to snootily inform her that he doesn't "deal in faux. Or stolen goods." I immediately start thinking of ways to work "I don't deal in faux" into everyday conversations. Anyway, Jeffries decides it's time to kick some ass and tells this schnook that his oh-so-high standards are the very reason said faux stolen goods would have stuck out in his mind. Pawnshop Guy relents and says that it was two kids. Since he didn't buy from them, he doesn't have their names or addresses, but he describes them as Colombian or Dominican, late teens. One is really tall and wears his dark hair in a fade, and the other is really short with a "hand tattoo" -- barbed wire on the knuckles and a dagger with drops of blood. Ooh, pretty! Jeffries asks if this civic-minded (not) gentleman (not) would mind working with the police composite artist. Pawnshop Guy would be delighted. Not.
Chung-chung! On over to Home Medical Supply Delivery in the Bronx, on Monday, February 14. Hey, Happy Valentine's Day! Anyway, Benson and Stabler are there, calling to Mr. Bosick, the deliveryman who found Mrs. Bernstein, and they have sketches of the suspects for him to look at. He's all hero of the community and offers any help they need, anytime. He asks if the two sketches are "the guys who did it." Benson and Stabler are just looking to see if anyone saw them in the building or the general vicinity. Mr. Bosick didn't, but "if it'll help [them] nail these guys, [he] could say whatever [they] want." Benson, disgusted by this display of dishonesty, grabs the sketches out of his hand. Mr. Bosick protests that he feels like he didn't do enough to save Mrs. Bernstein, that he kept thinking the CPR would save her. Stabler wonders if Mr. Bosick's partner Jimmy saw the two guys. Mr. Bosick says Jimmy was in the truck the whole time, but Benson and Stabler want to talk to him anyway. They head over to talk to Jimmy, who would be an inconspicuous tertiary character, but he's played by Hey, It's That L&O Guest Star! Denis O'Hare -- previously seen as a schizophrenic homeless stalker-murderer who shaved his beard, showered, got back on the meds, and put on a suit to serve as his own attorney. He was also the head militia psycho in the episode where all the militia psychos get thrown out of court because they just randomly stand up and recite the Second Amendment. So anyway, veteran Dick Wolf fans know that Jimmy here is going to play an important role in this case. Anyway, Jimmy is happy to help, and when he sees the sketches he comments that "a friend of [his] does these down on Amsterdam Avenue, but he's not this good. These are really good." Meaning that Jimmy totally recognizes the two punks. Benson and Stabler get all psyched that they're gonna nail the perps.
Out on some sidewalk, Munch and Jeffries approach a teenage girl and ask for her help in putting names to the faces of the suspects. I'm distracted by this chick's sheepskin-lined denim jacket that I would have killed for back in, like, 1988. Anyway, she says the boys' names are Carlos and Alfonso. Carlos's last name is Melina, but she doesn't know Alfonso's. Carlos spends his whole life sitting on the stoop of his building, harassing people. Jacket Girl says he's "such a pendejo." I bust out laughing. Mama Bear asks for a translation. I tell her she doesn't want to know. ["For those of you who do want to know, it means ‘asshole.’ Dick Wolf 1, Standards & Practices 0." -- Sars] Munch points out that the victim's synagogue is just past the bodega to Carlos's building. Jeffries concludes that "every week she would have had to walk right past that pendejo." I'm in fits of juvenile laughter.
Cut to the infamous Stoop of Harassment, where two guys are hitting on three passing school girls, who know what's the what and just keep on walking. Apparently these guys listen to their mothers, because it's cold out and one of them has on a baseball hat (backwards -- like, dude, that is so five minutes ago), and the other has this nasty-ass knit fedora thing slanted over one eye. He's a Smooth Criminal, I guess. Anyway, Munch and Jeffries are watching the action from their car. Another punk in baggy pants and weather-appropriate headgear walks up to the stoop and does this funky handshake, weed-smoking sign by way of hello to backwards-hat guy. Jeffries thinks this looks promising. Baseball hat guy shows the new guy the contents of a pill bottle; they do a transaction, and the SVU springs into action. Munch is first out of the car, holding his badge high for all to see. The buyer runs right into Jeffries's arms, while the two stoop-rats run the other way, into the most beautifully put-together wall of humanity they've ever seen, Detective Elliot Stabler. Oh, yeah, Benson's with him, pointing her gun at them. Munch is searching the buyer, who yells, "Yo, get outta my POCKET!" To which Munch replies, "Soon as I hit bottom. Hey, I think I found Hoffa!" And as much as I hate to admit it, I hate big ol' baggy pants with pockets the size of my house even more, so I swallow my pride and say that Munch made me laugh. Munch finds the pill bottle in the kid's pocket, and it turns out that the kid scored water pills. The detectives and their new punk friends convene, and the buyer says something in Spanish to Carlos and Alfonso, and calls one of them "you douche." We learn that my boyfriend is bilingual when he interrupts with, "Yo, Hip-Hop, you want us to Mirandize you in English and Spanish, we can do it." I start thinking of all the things Stabler could do to ME in two languages, and immediately enroll in Spanish classes at the local community college. Wait, this punk's name is Hip-Hop? Well, then my street name's gonna be Classic Rock, and I got my buddies New Wave and Electric Blues hangin' with me on the corner. Munch hands the pill bottle to Benson as he and Jeffries take Hip-Hop away, and Benson reads the name on the bottle: Bernstein, Lenora. As they're led in cuffs to the car, Fedora boy tells his lackey in English and Spanish not to say anything. Um, okay.
Benson and Stabler enter an interrogation room and offer Alfonso (previously backwards-hat guy) something to drink. He's kind of antsy, and confirms that he'd like to get this over with. Benson offers him a seat and suggests that they try to make it quick and painless, while Stabler poses for me in the background. When Benson tells Alfonso to "just tell [them] what happened," he shakes his head and replies, "You should ax Carlos." While that may be true, it's not really going to help the investigation along at this point, so Stabler goes all parental with the "we're ASKING you." Alfonso apparently understood Carlos's admonition both times, because he ain't talking. So Stabler grabs a chair, turns it backwards and straddle-sits right to Alfonso as he asks, "What is it -- you got a thing for defenseless old ladies? The kind you hear have fancy jewelry?" He and Benson begin describing how they see the crime occurring, and all Alfonso does is ask why they aren't talking to Carlos. Our heroes continue with Story Time, but when they get to the part about doing harm to Mrs. Bernstein, Alfonso perks up with a "What?!" Which causes my boyfriend to lean in REAL CLOSE and say, "You look nervous to me, Alfonso. Why is that -- you the one who raped her?" Alfonso denies this vehemently, which causes Stabler to smile like the proverbial canary-chomping feline and announce that they'll talk to Carlos about it. Alfonso just puts his head in his hands and shakes it.
Cut to Carlos's tattooed hand and fedora-clad head on the table of another interrogation room. The camera pulls back as Benson and Stabler enter the room; Benson kicks a chair and asks if they're disturbing Carlos's beauty sleep. Carlos waves them away without lifting his head and tells them not to worry about it. Stabler obviously doesn't as he grabs Carlos's jacket collar and yanks him upright, looks at his tattooed hand and says, "Nice ink." Carlos has apparently never learned how to take a compliment, because he just yanks his hand away and brats, "Yeah, I know." Benson 'splains that they heard about it from Pawn Shop Guy, and Carlos claims that he found the "stuff" on the street, right by the pills. Stabler bursts his little punk bubble by telling him that CSU got his fingerprints out of Mrs. Bernstein's apartment. Carlos is caught out but stutters the explanation that he and Alfonso helped her with her groceries once. My boyfriend speaks my mind, "Through the window?" Busted! Benson's had enough chitchat and gets in Carlos's face with "I can be mistaken, but the last time I checked, Good Samaritans don't usually rape elderly women." Carlos is visibly shaken. "WHAT did you say?" asks he. Stabler leans in from behind (can I just say that typing that caused me no end of fun-filled daydreams?) and tells Carlos that they have DNA from the crime scene. If nobody tells who did the dirty deed, the DNA will. Carlos looks terrified, and Benson tries to get all Abby Carmichael on him by explaining in a threatening tone that the cops are going to take samples from both Carlos and Alfonso. Carlos starts laughing, pulls up his sleeves, and calls her on it. "Well, let's do it," he says. "’Cause I didn't rape nobody." His big stoopid grin is already on my last nerve.
Over in Alfonso's interrogation room, Stabler tells him that he was right, that Carlos cleared up everything. Alfonso asks if this means he can go now. Benson asks him why he did it, and he looks up, totally confused. She continues by asking what was going through his head. Alfonso is on the verge of tears and asks what she's talking about. Stabler starts the tag team: "Your buddy's got no problem giving us a DNA sample." Benson: "Which makes it pretty obvious that you're the one that did the rape --" Stabler" -- that led to her heart attack --" Benson: " -- that killed her." Alfonso is crying at this point, and yells "NO!" Benson tells him that it's the same as putting a bullet through her, to which he again replies, "NO!" He tells them that they don't understand, because he didn't do anything like that. Benson tells her partner that if Alfonso didn't do it, then he won't have a problem giving a sample. Don't you just hate it when Jayne Mansfield's kid talks about you like you're not even there? Anyway, Alfonso says that he doesn't have any problem with giving a sample, and Stabler just stands there, sculpted arms crossed over buff chest, staring at him.
In the hallway, Cragen learns that both suspects' samples have been sent out, but neither Benson nor Stabler thinks either of them will match because they're both so anxious to give up the DNA goods. Cragen wonders if this means one of them is playing the cops. Stabler's dramatic pre-fade-out close-up line is, "Or there's a third perp." Hey, is John Doe 121 out of jail already?
Damn, y'all. If you don't fill out your census form, your whole farm will explode when your barn catches fire.
In Cragen's office, this week's female ADA stomps in with a file folder and announces that she's "preparing arraignment on two boys. Who the hell is this John Doe?" I swear to god, if anyone mentions Wisconsin, I quit. Stabler saves me by telling her that the DNA tests came back and the evidence matches neither Carlos nor Alfonso. They've still got the two kids on being in Mrs. Bernstein's place and ripping her off, but not on the rape. The ADA wonders if this is a fishing expedition for John Doe Number Three. Cragen gets all defensive and says, "Exactly. We're not Robbery; we're Sex Crimes. We want the one who raped her." The ADA just wishes she'd known there were three perps earlier. Benson and Stabler explain to her how all of the witnesses only saw the two, and the cops would like a bargaining chip since neither of the boys is offering up the third guy. Right now she can charge them with Robbery One, two counts of Robbery Two, and "a slew of lesser charges." If they give the cops what they want, she'll drop it down to Robbery Two and Criminal Trespass, which reduces their potential sentences from fifteen years to five.
In an interrogation room, Munch, Jeffries, Alfonso, hatless Carlos, and their attorneys are discussing the deal on the table. Carlos isn't having it. He won't do five years. Jeffries tells his lawyer to inform Carlos that without the deal he's looking at fifteen. Carlos and his doofy-ass grin want a walk for giving up the rapist. Munch doesn't think Alfonso is as much of a gambler as Carlos is. Alfonso pleads with Carlos that maybe they should think about it, but Carlos, with every ounce of contempt he and his grin can muster, tells "Fonso" to shut up, that he's got them covered because they're not the ones the cops want. Jeffries leans in and asks Alfonso, "Why are you letting this BOY gamble with your life? How old are you -- seventeen?" Alfonso nods. Munch tells Alfonso, "Look at me. Take a good look. In fifteen years, you're gonna be as old as I am." Oh, all freaking right: Heh. The lawyers want to get back to serious negotiating, so Jeffries and her bad-ass self tell them that the bottom line is that if the cops find the rapist on their own, the deal is off, and both Carlos and Alfonso will do the maximum. Carlos basically dares them to go find the guy, so while she and Munch are leaving the room, Jeffries tells him in her best Cruise Director voice to "enjoy the cavity search!" I love Jeffries.
We finally get to chung-chung! Yay! At Stephen Foster High School, Benson and Stabler are asking an administrative type to pull the files of Carlos Medina and Alfonso Cardinez, to confirm that they ditched school on the fourteenth. Didn't that chick on the street say that Carlos's last name was Melina? I hate inconsistency. The admin wants to see a warrant; the cops could have one by the end of the day, which is good enough for her. Turns out the suspects didn't ditch that day because they were already suspended for breaking into some lockers, and this news comes as no shock to the detectives. Stabler wonders if they were caught with another guy, which they were not. Benson wants to know who they hang with and have gotten in trouble with, but the admin is reluctant to give up the goods because one of Carlos's old running buddies has really cleaned up his act in the last year, and she knows that he didn't do anything wrong. That's for the cops to decide, or so says Benson, so we learn that the potential Third Guy's name is Emmanuel Clemente. Turns out that according to attendance records, he too was out of school on the fourteenth. The admin lady looks disappointed. Aww. Not.
Cut to a playground, where a very old looking Emmanuel Clemente is pitching to a painted strike zone on the side of a building. Ooh -- is it baseball season yet? No? Damn. Anyway, Munch and Jeffries start peppering him with questions about Carlos, Alfonso, and Mrs. Bernstein, but he denies being with them that day. Sure, he and Carlos used to hassle Mrs. B, but he hasn't hung out with Carlos in over a year. Turns out Mrs. B would give them quarters when she walked by. Munch and Jeffries thinks this might have been insulting to the boys, and they robbed and raped her as payback. Emmanuel doesn't do stuff like that anymore, because he's got discipline. Munch doesn't think discipline and ditching school mesh well. Emmanuel finally reveals that he was out of school on the fourteenth because he had to take his little sister to the methadone clinic. Munch and Jeffries don't buy his Good Samaritan story, but they and their whatever faces leave him anyway.
Back in the squad room, Stabler and Benson have gotten nowhere, and Munch and Jeffries learned that the receptionist at the methadone clinic saw Emmanuel come in with a fourteen-year-old and stay for at least two hours. She knows he didn't leave for any time because she remembers talking about baseball with him. Is it baseball season yet? No? Damn! It's time for Revolving Police Personnel, as Munch and Jeffries pass Cragen and Skoda on their way off camera. The SVU is back at square one on this case, so Cragen thinks it's time to offer the deal to just one of the suspects, for rolling on the other one. Cragen wants the rapist, obviously, so he asks for thoughts on which one to roll. Skoda's insight: "Carlos is your typical sociopath. He's been through the system; he won't think twice about screwing Alfonso." Stabler wonders if he means to give the deal to the sociopath. Not quite. "Alfonso's a follower," says Skoda. "His loyalty to Carlos will make him harder to turn. But he does have a conscience. And he's scared." Cragen reaches into his big ol' bag of clichés and pulls out "fear is a great motivator. Let's use it."
So then we chung-chung! on over to Riker's Island Correctional Facility. Benson and Stabler enter a visiting room and exchange unpleasantries (tm Mama Bear) with Alfonso's attorney. They note that Alfonso doesn't appear to have handled three days in jail too well, and Stabler wonders how he'll handle fifteen years. Alfonso says that Carlos tells him that won't happen. Benson finally gets a decent comeback line: "From the looks of things, you keep listening to him you're gonna end up dead." Word. They cut to the chase and tell Alfonso's attorney that if Alfonso gives up the rapist, the DA will drop the charges down to Third Degree Robbery, and that at seventeen he can be sentenced as a youthful offender for that crime. They whip out the carrot: he might only have to serve a year or so, or may only get probation. The catch is that only one of the boys can have the deal. Alfonso's attorney whispers something to him, which he considers. Then, like a little kid, he asks Benson and Stabler if he can think about it. They can't believe this shit, and Stabler makes everyone jump as he stops making nice and pounds his fists on the table. "I don't know what there is to think about," says my stern and authoritative boyfriend. "This is a once in a lifetime offer." He gets no response from a visibly scared and confused Alfonso, so he gives in a little: "Okay, you wanna think about it, you've got twelve hours. But you'd better think very hard [no comment], because this is the biggest decision of your life." As Benson and Stabler are leaving, they tell Alfonso that in twelve hours the offer goes to Carlos, who will undoubtedly snatch it up in notimeflat.
Benson and Stabler walk into the cop shop, where they learn that Alfonso's lawyer hasn't called, and they know he wants it but doesn't want to screw over Carlos. Cragen comes out of his office to inform him that the DA's office just called, they've got a taker on the deal.
Benson and Stabler walk into the ADA's office and promptly stop in their tracks when they see that Carlos, not Alfonso, is there with his attorney. Oh, and his grin is there with him, too. Carlos is there because he heard there was a deal on the table. Benson corrects him, "On Alfonso's table." "Alfonso had a dilemma," says Carlos, except he pronounces it dee-lemma. He continues, "He asked for my advice, and as his friend I had to counsel him against it." With friends like Carlos, who needs a fork to the eye? Oh wait, that'd be me. Anyway, Carlos's attorney states that her client is amenable to the terms of the deal, and would like to get started. Stabler and Benson can't believe this shit (cuz they're AWAKE and all), but agree to go ahead anyway. The ADA informs Carlos that the deal is contingent on his information leading to an arrest, to which Carlos nods and grins, and that he allocutes, which he doesn't understand. His lawyer explains, and Carlos’s grin is even bigger, and he says, "Well, I got no problem telling what happened. I mean, where do you want me to start -- when we came through the window?" Benson wants to know who "we" are, but Carlos is on a roll. He thought Alfonso was going to bail and cry right off the bat. Stabler wants to know about the other guy, but Carlos is enjoying his time in the spotlight and doesn't answer. Carlos continues that Mrs. Bernstein didn't have anything to steal, so he trashed the place: "I teach that bitch!" Um, yeah, nothing like a home invasion and robbery to get people to go out and buy nice, expensive things! Anyway, he was distracted by a very loud cuckoo clock, which scared Alfonso so much that he ran out. The clock cuckooed once, meaning it was 9:30. So Carlos chased Alfonso down in the stairwell, which Stabler takes to mean he left the other guy alone with Mrs. B. "I didn't leave nobody," grins Carlos. Benson's trying to be tough again, telling Carlos, "Let me explain something to you: you jerk us around, you jerk your deal off the table." Carlos snorts at this threat and continues his story. He dragged Alfonso back to Mrs. Bernstein's apartment, but there was a guy outside the door, a white guy in a beige uniform. He was carrying a clipboard, and his uniform logo had a bunch of letters, but it didn't spell anything. The guy walked through the open door, so Alfonso freaked and said they had to get out of there before they got busted for trashing the apartment. Stabler looks Carlos dead in the eye and asks, "You're telling us the delivery man raped her?" Carlos and his big freaking grin reply, "Yeah. I mean, how sick is that? Huh?" And then his grin gets even bigger, to the point of blocking everyone else out of the shot.
Back in the squad room, Benson and Stabler are relaying Carlos's story to the rest of the SVU, but nobody's buying that Stan Bosick, the Good Samaritan who tried to save Mrs. Bernstein's life, is the real perp. But Carlos described the uniform correctly, and apparently there are holes in Stan's story. Carlos saw the guy go in at 9:30, but Stan didn't call 911 until 9:53. Munch and Stabler consider what particular act one can commit in twenty-three minutes. Cragen doesn't like to hear this talk about the guy who called 911 and tried to resuscitate the victim. Skoda, the Anti-Cragen, hands the Cap'n a little helping of Psych 101: "Guy starts a fire, reports it, helps the firefighters put it out. Hero syndrome." "Or," posits Munch, "Carlos takes a real hero and turns him into the patsy. It's called Schmuck Syndrome." Skoda "[has] to admit that the elderly victim and the hurried nature of the sex act are more consistent with a less mature offender." Cragen warns his charges to tread lightly since Stan made all the papers. They don't want another Richard Jewell situation, so they have to investigate Stan thoroughly before making any moves.
"Research" Jeffries is looking at the NYPD database when Benson and Stabler come back into the squad room, all pissed off because now Alfonso desperately wants the deal. Jeffries has bigger fish to fry, namely that Stan served time in Sing-Sing for armed robbery. No record of sexual assault, but Benson thinks that if he did commit any, he got away with them, had to tell somebody, and cellmates are "great captive audiences." Jeffries tells them that Stan bunked with Jonathan Smith. Got that? She distinctly said "Jonathan Smith."
Yeah, so we then we hop on the Chung-chung! Express, stop the "Apartment of Johnny Schmidt" in the East Village. Have I mentioned that I hate inconsistency? ’Cause I do. I mean, on craptastic shows like , I've gotten used to it, but from Dick Wolf I expect better. Shame on you, Dick! Anyway, according to Stan's old cellmate, "having a layer of skin peeled would have been more pleasurable" than the time he spent living with Stan. Turns out Stan talked incessantly -- but not about crimes he committed -- about his "conquests". The joke of the cellblock was calling him "Stan the Man." Anyway, Stan called Johnny a few months back to brag about this great job in the "pharmaceutical transportation industry," and how he's sleeping with half the women on his route. According to Stan, nobody could resist him. Stabler and Benson exchange a meaningful look.
Chung-chung! Over at the Apartment of Jimmy Walp, in Chelsea, Munch and Jeffries approach Jimmy as he's leaving for work. Jimmy's kind of got this stilted, sideways walk thing going, so we know he's Not Quite Right. Jimmy agrees that Stan is "the Man," and agrees that Stan is considered "irresistible." Jeffries cuts to the chase and tells Jimmy to tell them whatever he knows, or else they'll have to charge him with obstruction. Munch thinks that when two guys are in a truck together all day, the topic of sex has to "come up." Ugh. Jimmy is slightly embarrassed, like a kid would be, but agrees that they talk about what Stan calls "Special Deliveries." "What about Mrs. Bernstein?" asks Munch. Jimmy stops smiling and doesn't want to talk anymore. He has to go pick up a newspaper. Munch and Jeffries think he knows way more than he's telling, but that it's "time to talk to the Man himself."
Benson and Stabler pull up beside Stan's truck at the warehouse and ask him to clear up a few things for them down at the station. He still has deliveries to make, but Stabler says that "they can wait" as he opens the truck door and "helps" Stan out. What a gentleman!
Benson, Stabler, and Stan (oh, my!) are in the interrogation room. Stabler is taking notes for this session, and I note that we are truly soulmates because he has the same pen-twirling habit I do. It's the little things that make a relationship last, you know? Anyway, Stan has his head in his hands and is totally exasperated, saying, "For the last time, I never did any customers; not once. Never." Stan admits that he's been known to lie. He says he lied about being an ex-con on his job application because he wouldn't have been hired if he'd been truthful. "You think they'll keep you when they find out you raped Mrs. Bernstein?" Ten points to Stabler for that one. Stan's all righteous indignation, "I never touched that woman!" Stan confesses that he never gave her CPR, and that he didn't even find her. Benson's not buying it, telling Stan that they have witnesses who saw him go into the apartment twenty minutes before he said he did. Stan says they've got it all wrong, that the witnesses saw Jimmy. Stan lied to cover for himself. Stan's supposed to make the deliveries because Jimmy isn't certified to hook up the oxygen tanks, but Stan has a bad back, so Jimmy carries the tanks up in buildings without elevators. Our heroes would like Stan to get to the point. "He was taking so long, I finally went up. I found the new tank by the door, her tied to the bed, and Jimmy in the bathroom . . . freaking out. I figured he walked in on the same thing I did and couldn't handle it." Stan took the hero angle to cover for himself, and so that Jimmy wouldn't have to deal. He swears he's not lying this time, and though Benson and Stabler aren't convinced, they've got witnesses, so they'll put both Stan and Jimmy in a lineup.
Stan's lineup walks into the, um, lineup room. Benson, Stabler, Cragen, the ADA, Carlos, and his attorney are all behind the two-way mirror. Carlos doesn't recognize anyone, and is annoyed at the SVU because he thinks they're trying to play him. Cragen calls in the group, as Carlos continues ranting, "What's wrong with you? I told y'all exactly who it was, and he ain't even there. Now you're trying to screw me." Jimmy's the first one of his group into the lineup room. Carlos sees him and quits his bitching because "THAT'S the one! That Gilligan's Island-lookin' dude. I remember because that's the long, dopey face I saw." Jimmy just stands there looking, well, dopey. Carlos is positive he saw Jimmy and wonders if he's now free to go. His lawyer thinks Carlos has held up his end of the deal. Stabler reminds her that the deal only stands if Carlos's information leads to an arrest, and walks out. Cap'n Cragen looks befuddled as he stares at Jimmy through the glass.
In the squad room, Munch has the final autopsy report, which reveals that Mrs. Bernstein had two separate heart attacks, the first one within an hour of the one that killed her. Stabler concludes that the first one occurred when the Carlos and Alfonso broke into her apartment. According to the autopsy, if her heart hadn't been weakened by the first attack, she may have survived the second. Benson looks sick as Stabler tells Munch that they just cut Carlos loose. Munch goes all condescending on them with, "What say we don't lose anyone else, huh?" Shut up, Munch.
Benson and Stabler are with Jimmy in an interrogation room. Jimmy signs his Miranda warning and gives it to Benson. He then explains that he took the tank up to Mrs. Bernstein because of Stan's bad back; he found the door open, just a little, and went in. Benson asks if he noticed anything unusual. "Yeah," answers Jimmy. "It didn't look like it usually did." Um, thanks for defining "unusual" for us there, Champ. Anyway, the camera is slowly closing in on Jimmy as he continues his story. The place was messy, and he was going to help clean up, and he called to Mrs. Bernstein but she didn't answer, so he went looking for her. He found her on the bed, and there was nobody else there. Benson gets grammatically correct on him with, "Can you describe the condition in which you found her?" Jimmy asks, "What was that?" like he didn't hear her. "How did she look on the bed?" Jimmy shrugs and then creeps out the entire television viewing audience as he tells her with a smile, "She looked nice. She was wearing her nightie. She looked happy to see me." Ew, ew, ew. Stabler asks if that's when Jimmy tied her up. He says he didn't tie her up at all. Stabler says, "We think you did, and we think you raped her." "You raped an old woman!" screeches Benson. "NO!" cries Jimmy. "And you killed her," says Stabler. Again with the "NO!" from Jimmy. I pause the tape to take a hydrochloric acid shower after that scene.
Benson, Stabler, the ADA, and Cragen are in Cragen's office. Skoda comes in and Cragen immediately jumps on him (no, not like that): "You wrote a psych evaluation on Jimmy Walp." Skoda denied having done so, but Stabler is all accusatory: "According to Jimmy's Legal Aid attorney, you did." The ADA informs Skoda that Jimmy's lawyer has filed for a statement hearing, and that if they can prove that Jimmy didn't understand the Miranda warning, the cops lose his statement and anything else after it. I note that Benson is wearing the same sky-blue turtleneck she wears for at least one scene in every episode, including her guest spot on L&O a few weeks ago. Anyway, Cragen is visibly angered, asking, "How could you give the defense that kind of ammo, IN WRITING? I asked you --" But he's cut off by Skoda explaining that all he did was leave a sticky-note on Cragen's desk, to some of Jimmy's paperwork. Stabler wonders, "What was on this bombshell sticky?" I think of ways to work "bombshell sticky" into everyday conversation. Anyway, all Skoda wrote was "'retarded,' and a question mark. It never should have left this office." The ADA is in his face with, "Well, it did. It made it into the discovery packet. The hearing's Monday. Anything you can dig up refuting his alleged retardation would be greatly appreciated." As she leaves, Cragen tells Benson and Stabler to "start digging and not stop until we get this guy in MENSA." Skoda just shakes his head and leaves.
In the squad room, "Research" Jeffries has Jimmy's Board of Ed records. Benson educates the world on the DSM criteria for mental retardation, namely that an IQ of seventy or below equals mentally retarded. Turns out Jimmy was never tested, and that he missed a lot of school. His grades were mostly Ds and Fs, which Munch says doesn't mean anything, because "Einstein consistently flunked Math." Benson's all, "Thanks, John. We'll just argue that he's another Einstein. What'd you get on work history?" Munch found that Jimmy has had "difficulty sustaining employment. Even got fired from McDonald's. That alone will win their case for them." Hee! Stabler's got the counterpoint: "Yeah, but he did get jobs, and lived on his own, unsupervised and unassisted." Which Benson notes is "no easy feat." Um, word.
At Jimmy's apartment, the super is telling Benson and Stabler that Jimmy's the last tenant he expected trouble from. They enter the apartment, which has books EVERYWHERE. I mean, it looks like Amazon's warehouse. Stabler starts looking at titles, noting that Jimmy's got "everything from Danielle Steel to Introduction to Thermonuclear Physics. Such a crock. Tell me how many retarded guys read James Joyce." The books go into the evidence box as the super tells them that Jimmy's a big reader, that he reads the newspaper on the stoop everyday. The super always asks Jimmy what the good news is, and Jimmy always replies, "I'll tell you when I find it." Benson's digging in a drawer, where's Jimmy's apparently got "every receipt he ever got, all paid in cash. No credit cards." Stabler says that makes Jimmy "smarter than [him] right there." Can I get an "amen"? Jimmy's got no checkbook, but he's got tons of porn. There's no kitchen, but a stove (covered in books) and oven (filled with books), which leads Stabler to ascertain that Jimmy eats at a certain diner all the time. I decide that the diner reference is a shout-out to me and Sars, since we're both from Jersey, a.k.a. The Diner State.
Over at the diner, a sassy redheaded waitress from Central Casting tells Stabler and Benson that Jimmy comes in twice a day, three times on weekends, is always alone, and is very friendly. Benson asks if Jimmy comes across as slow, and the waitress doesn't think so. Jimmy studies every item on the menu, but always orders the special. Benson thinks it's "interesting that not one person he dealt with on a daily basis picked up on him having any developmental disabilities." Stabler notes that all of these people had minimal contact with Jimmy.
Chung-chung! We're at the Home of Sylvia Walp, where Jimmy's mom is saying that Jimmy was never any trouble, that he was the sixth of seven kids, and that she could just sit him in front of the TV for hours and not have to worry about him. Elliot the Wonderdad smiles and says, "It's hard to give each kid the attention they deserve sometimes." Aww. Anyway, Jimmy was an angel as a child, but would have bad days, and his mom would keep him home from school when he did. No, it never occurred to Mrs. Walp to have Jimmy tested for learning disabilities, because as his mother, she would know if he were retarded. Mrs. Walp last spoke with Jimmy when he left home, at eighteen. Nice. We learn that Jimmy never had any girlfriends or friends.
Back at the cop shop, the detectives are going through the evidence from Jimmy's apartment, and Munch comes in to inform them that Jimmy's score on the IQ test administered by the defense was sixty-eight. Stabler notes that "under the circumstances, it wouldn't be in his best interest to try his hardest." Benson realizes that nothing in the evidence box has Jimmy's handwriting on it, which Stabler thinks is interesting, but "not as interesting as this," and hands a video box to Munch, who reads the title: "'Insatiable Bondage Sluts'. That's nice." Sidebar. While transcribing this scene, I kept rewinding to that line, totally by chance, and it got to be insanely funny. Mama Bear was with me and decided that I really liked that line, which I totally did not. Then she said that the line flowed well because the title of the tape was "really rhythmic." I bit my lip so hard it bled. Okay, people? This is what I go through for y'all. Meanwhile, back at SVU, Benson has the video case and notes that porn is neither illegal nor admissible. Stabler tells her to turn it over (what would I give -- oh, never mind), where she sees a scene that is "eerily familiar." Stabler says, "It's the same staging as Mrs. Bernstein, even the same shade of pink." Munch the Obvious comments on the large age gap between Mrs. B and the girl on the video, and Benson points out that "Jimmy didn't stage it. Carlos and Alfonso tied her up with they robbed her. That's how Jimmy found her." Cragen and Skoda are back from couples counseling, and Benson asks Skoda for his opinion. Skoda's wicked smaaaht (tm David of Real World Seattle), so after a quick glance concludes, "I'd say he walked into the room, saw a living tableau from this tape, and got excited." "And committed a felony," adds Cragen. Like, dude, give it a rest for a minute. There's room for two balding, bug-eyed guys here! Skoda elaborates, "He misreads social cues, and mimics to appear normal. Based on the tape, he may have thought he was expected to perform the sex act." Cragen wants to know whose side Skoda's on. I express-mail Cragen a copy of the Hippocratic Oath. Skoda's the bigger man with the bigger sideburns, and doesn't take the bait. He says they're all working in the interests of justice, and Jimmy definitely needs to be incarcerated, it's just a matter of where. Stabler says they still put mentally retarded people in jail, and Skoda nods, "The system is slanted against them. They incriminate themselves, can't assist in their own defense, and are so eager to please they even confess to things they didn't do. Jimmy is mildly retarded. He did not understand the consequences of his actions." Cragen doesn't want to hear anymore of this, and comes back with, "Jimmy Walp went his entire life without being diagnosed until now. I find that awfully convenient." Skoda finds it tragic, but Cragen doesn't care. They're "going ahead. He understands enough to be held accountable. He knows he did something wrong. We are NOT gonna lose his statement." Dude, chill. Skoda again with the head shaking. I hope he's got a good chiropractor.
Then we do the non-chung over to the Supreme Court Statement Hearing. It's Monday, February twenty-first. Stabler is testifying that Jimmy kept a job and an apartment, had no prior record of being diagnosed as mentally retarded, and the cops found no conclusive evidence that he is. Jimmy's attorney talks about how the SVU tried to use the books they seized from Jimmy's apartment as proof of his reading ability. He asks Stabler if he's "aware of the lengths the mentally retarded will go to disguise their inadequacies? They'll take books to public places and pretend to read, parrot phrases to appear to have knowledge they don't possess, even wear a watch when they can't tell time. Jimmy Walp spent his life fooling people into believing he was of normal intelligence." Both the ADA and I wonder if there's a question for Stabler here, or if Jimmy's lawyer is just going to testify himself. The judge tells Mr. Trask to get on with it, so Trask asks Stabler if Jimmy was asked to read anything aloud while in custody. Stabler didn't see any reason to. Trask points out that Stabler told Jimmy to read over the Miranda sheet before signing it. But Stabler also read it to Jimmy, so there!
Now Jimmy's on the stand, and Mr. Trask asks him if he remembers talking to Stabler on March twenty-first. Jimmy: "Yep." Well, how is that possible? The crime was committed on February fourteenth, and here we are a week later. I'm calling Dick Wolf and telling him to fire his continuity editor. I'm taking over. ["It’s possible that the case didn’t go to trial until the year. But I think you should still take over." -- Sars] Mr. Trask asks Jimmy if he remembers being told what his rights are. Jimmy: "Yep." Trask asks Jimmy to explain his rights, and Jimmy basically parrots Miranda. Trask asks if Jimmy can explain what all of that means, and Jimmy's like, "Those are your rights." "But can you explain them?" asks Trask. Jimmy's trying to be cool: "I just did." Trask moves on, asking Jimmy what a court of law is. Jimmy's looking really flustered, and just nods when Trask asks him what due process is. When asked the role of the judge, Jimmy points to the judge. I take a moment to reflect on the fact that Miranda himself was mildly retarded and Dick Wolf must be trying to do a full-circle thing here. It's kind of sad.
The ADA snaps me out of my criminal-justice melancholy when she asks Jimmy if he knows why he's here today. "Yep, because of Mrs. Bernstein." Trask objects that they're not there for that issue, just for the statement, so the judge admonishes the ADA to confine her questions. The ADA reminds Jimmy that his attorney has put a lot of witnesses on the stand, with evaluations, tests, and opinions that all say Jimmy is mentally retarded. Conversely, everyone she's put up has said he's not, but nobody's asked Jimmy, so she asks him point-blank, "Are you mentally retarded?" Jimmy's reply is an emphatic "No!" Mr. Trask wants the record to show that it’s common for the mentally retarded to deny their retardation, which causes Jimmy to stand up, point at his lawyer, and shout, "I am not retarded!" The ADA asks if there's any way Jimmy can prove that. Anyone who was feeling sorry for Jimmy is about to be over it. "Yeah," says Jimmy, over his lawyer's objections. "I can tell you what I did to Mrs. Bernstein. She was on the bed, she was not dressed, she had her hands tied up here above her head. She was moaning and it was soooo, so exciting." I shudder violently, Trask pleads with the judge, and His Honor says they'll continue off the record. Jimmy goes on with a perverse smile, "I knew what she wanted. I'd seen videos, but I'd never done it before. I got on top of her and, pfffttt, it felt really good." His expression slowly changes from ecstasy to fear and horror as he continues, "I tried to kiss her, but I could see something was wrong, and I thought I'd done something wrong, so I tried to do the CPR that I'd seen on TV, but I guess I was doing that wrong, too." Jimmy is crying as he finishes his gruesome tale: "So I got scared and didn't know how to explain what happened, so I went in the bathroom and was hiding in the bathroom when Stan came in. The old lady was dead." Benson and Stabler exchange looks of abject horror while Skoda turns to give Cragen an "I told you so" look. I pause the tape again to go for a full-body chemical peel and memory exfoliation.
At the cop shop, Skoda catches up to Cragen in the hall to ask when they can get together on a recommendation to the court. Cragen's all pissy and suggests Skoda write whatever he wants and just put Cragen's name on it. Cragen's all worked up because they're talking about two IQ points in a guy who raped an old lady. Skoda says Jimmy was obviously devastated by what he'd done, but Cragen saw remorse on the stand, which means Jimmy knew exactly what he did. Skoda says Jimmy's "just a retarded guy who made a mistake." Cragen explodes, "Fine, it's the system. So let's just put him in some quiet place where he can read Winnie-the-Pooh [Woo-hoo! Shout-out City!] and get hot chocolate while Mrs. Bernstein -- you remember Mrs. Bernstein -- gets a headstone. Whatever." Hey! I take offense to that! People who read Winnie-the-Pooh and drink hot chocolate get headstones, too! And someone tell Cragen that the first MBTV commandment is "Thou shalt not take the name of thy recappers in vain." Bug-eyed, bald-ass, Muppety bastard.
Out by a curb, Skoda is helping Jimmy out of a Corrections Department van, explaining that he'll do the admitting paperwork and then Dr. Krasnow will see Jimmy for his intake exam. Jimmy wonders if Skoda will stay with him, which Skoda will, for while, as they enter a building. Cut to the interior, where we hear banging and yelping, and Jimmy looks dejected. A guy walks by, screaming, "NO! Get BACK!" at Jimmy and the camera follows this guy around the room. We see a patient just standing against a wall, another standing and babbling, another playing chess with nobody (shout-out to Meloni's love of chess?), a guy banging on a far table, and a couple of catatonics. Jimmy's jaw drops in horror and he looks to Skoda to save him. A guy with some sort of Porky Pig Syndrome approached Jimmy with a big "Hi!" and stands there stutter-babbling to him as Jimmy just repeatedly says "no" in pleading tones and shakes his head. As we fade to the end credits, I realize I'm too emotionally wiped out to comment further.