Fade up on a police sedan pulling up beside a block of brownstones. The siren beeps to move people out of the way, and a graphic at the bottom of my TV screen tells me that week we get an all-new episode. Is that really central to our plot development here? I think not. Anyway, my boyfriend Detective Elliot Stabler gets out of the sedan, ducks under the yellow police tape, and flashes his badge. A female uniform cop tells him that this week's special victim is Richard F. Schiller, forty-two, and leads my man inside. Cut to the crime scene. A dead blond guy is laying on a black leather and chrome reclining chair, with a blanket covering his crotchal area and a strip of black electrical tape over his mouth. Two CSU guys are working on him. As the female uniform cop leads Stabler into the room, she looks at the body and then quickly away, like she might be sick. "First time?" Stabler asks. She nods. Don't worry, honey; he'll be gentle. "Who the hell is that?" calls a slurred, raspy voice. Stabler turns to see Benson talking to the former Mrs. Jill Taylor of Home Improvement. Luckily for us, no insufferable grunting husband or sons are with her. Benson addresses her as "Mrs. Hayes" and introduces her to Stabler. Mrs. Hayes welcomes him to her house as she stands up, quite unsteadily. Benson asks her if she's okay, and explains that Mrs. Hayes found the body. She's the landlady, see, who lives here with her daughter and rented the room to Mr. Schiller. Stabler asks where the daughter is. Mrs. Hayes, who by now has stumbled up behind Benson, replies, "She's out!" Then she looks at her dead tenant and starts crying as she waxes nostalgic: "He was the best tenant: clean, quiet, always paid on time. Early, even!" Stabler asks the female uniform to take Mrs. Hayes downstairs. Mrs. Hayes doesn't like that one bit. "I am right here! Don't talk to me like I'm not here! This is MY HOUSE. I'm not going anywhere." I'd like to point out that Mrs. Hayes should be requesting that people not talk about her like she's not there, but really, do any of us think it's a good idea to get into an argument about preposition use with a drunk lady? I think not. Moving right along, Benson says she could use a cup of coffee, and she and Mrs. Hayes exit stage right. Stabler gloves up and asks the CSU guys if they know what Schiller's story is. He and the female uniform lean in to peel off the electrical tape, and she tells Stabler that the dead guy was a writer. Stabler bags the tape as the female uniform elaborates that, according to the landlady, Schiller was a travel writer. Stabler pulls a pair of red lace panties (and the dying breath) from the victim's mouth, looks amazed, and puns, "Looks like he choked on his own words."
Credits. I feel icky. Gladiator ad. I feel all better now.
Fade up on the squad room, where a map of the world is up on the bulletin board, traversed by many lines of red yarn, held in place by colored pushpins. Oh, GOD, how I hate these grade-school flashbacks. Anyway, we've come in during Cassidy's Geography quiz, I guess, because he's pointing and proclaiming, "Vietnam, Bosnia, and Peru." Benson comes into the scene and tells her colleagues, "I hear Kosovo is beautiful this time of year." Like ha, ha. Not. She hands a book to Munch, who looks at the jacket photo of Schiller on a sailboat and says, "Good to know the macho Hemingway ideal isn't entirely dead is this weepy age." Jeffries tells him it's "still as toxic as ever." Stabler tells us all that the last trip the victim took was during an uprising, and he rode his motorcycle right through it. Cragen theorizes that the many reasons someone may have wanted to kill Schiller include running drugs or writing the wrong thing about the wrong country. Munch thinks not, reads aloud some bullshit passage from the book that basically boils down to "the journey is greater than the destination," and then snarks, "His wanderlust is one adverb short of Robert James Waller." Non-banter demonstrating that Munch is literate and Cassidy is naive follows. Cragen gets everyone back on track with the standard "Whadya got?" Benson and Stabler do that tag-team inform-the-squad thing they do so well, and we learn that Schiller had no record and no of kin, that he was divorced ten years ago and his ex runs a tea importing company. For the last two years he rented that room from Mrs. Hayes, and was never late with the rent. The time of death was early evening, there was no sign of forced entry, the body was left in plain view, the cause of death was blunt force trauma, and the weapon has not been found. Benson is all "Ta-da! I've got panties!" She hands the evidence bag to Cragen, but Munch (hee -- that's too close to "buttmunch" not to giggle) grabs the bag away from his befuddled captain. Munch proclaims the lingerie to be "top of the line" and asks if Schiller was a "he/she." Stabler: "He was a writer." Huh? Anyway, no prints on the tape, no similar roll of tape in the house. Benson opines that both the underwear in the mouth and the tape suggest a personal agenda. Munch thinks that agenda was embarrassment. Cassidy thinks it was to silence the victim, and asks how well Schiller knew his landlord. Cragen asks how well she knew Schiller. Stabler tells them, "Last night she was non compos mentis; we're going to talk to her again." Cragen tells Munch and Cassidy to track down the ex-wife. I guess Jeffries will be in the file room.
Chung-chung! We're at Durst Publishing, 2000 Avenue of the Americas, and it's Tuesday, October 12. Mrs. Hayes is the receptionist at this fancy high-rise office, and she can't leave the ever-ringing phone to talk to Benson and Stabler. Can't they wait for her break? No, it won't take long. Mrs. Hayes is all put upon, and when Benson asks if she's okay, asks why she wouldn't be. Benson offers, "A lot happened last night." Mrs. Hayes, not endearing herself to anyone, replies, "Ha! I'll say! I'm sorry, I'm worried about Virginia. She didn't come home last night." Okay, this lady's tenant was murdered in her house and her teenage daughter is AWOL, and she's worried about answering phones? Whatever. Stabler asks for a recent photo of Virginia that they can "circulate around." Holy redundancy, Batman! Mrs. H is all yeah, whatever you want, and we all get to see a picture of Virginia, who looks more like a college junior in the snapshot than a teenager, but again, whatever. Benson asks Mrs. Hayes to take them through the events of the last evening. Mrs. Hayes came home from work, went through the mail, saw a bill for Schiller, and decided to take it up to him. She knocked on the door, but there was no answer. She opened the door and found him lying there, dead. Good thing she didn't have any understanding of the concept of privacy, or else she might have just slipped the bill under the door! Okay, so Mrs. Hayes has been renting the room for close to eleven years, the tenants help cover the mortgage, she doesn't think Schiller was dating anyone in particular, she never saw him bring anyone home. Benson asks what Mrs. Hayes's relationship with Schiller entailed. Mrs. Hayes is totally offended: "You mean, were we sleeping together?" Stabler confirms that they'd like to know that. "No!" she answers, like a kindergartener caught doing something she wasn't. She explains that they had a business relationship, and in a tone that most people reserve for raving about Chris Meloni's glutes, tells them, "He had a FANTASTIC credit rating." Our heroes are amused by this, and head for the office of Schiller's editor, John Freeman . . .
. . . who "always expected this, thought it'd be foreign officials telling me all they found was a shoe. A lion, the rebels, or a volcano got the rest." Rambling follows, from which we learn that Schiller's contract had just been extended, he had a passion for uncharted territory, he didn't like the "baggage" of a relationship, never solicited sex, had a real sense of honor, and his divorce ended in a hug.
So we hop on the Chung-chung! Express and land at Teas of the World, where a pretty lady is telling Munch and Cassidy that the last time she saw Schiller was few months ago, when he came in for a special blend he'd had the last time he was in Morocco. She serves tea to the boys as she tells them, "When we first married, he decided to settle down; no more travelling. But I'd catch him secretly running his fingers over the world atlas, like it was a Braille Penthouse." Okay, that's a shout-out to Sars. Munch gets his flirt on: "I prefer The Story of O, myself, but I take your point." The image of Munchrotica forces me to stop the tape, take two Trazodone, and sleep for three days, hoping that will be enough time for my brain to recover. When I come back and press play again, Mrs. Schiller continues, "It got so bad, by the end the very mention of a different area code would spark a fight. Now, ironically, I deal with ten different countries a day." How is that ironic? You're still not going anywhere. More flirting from Munch as the ex is, for all intents and purposes, ruled out as a suspect because she and the victim were such great friends.
Out on the sidewalk, Munch and Cassidy are walking and talking and drinking coffee. Munch is all philosophical: "Get that -- Schiller's a naked corpse on a Barcalounger with lingerie down his throat. Unnerving, isn't it, that such a degrading death can overshadow such a remarkable life?" Cassidy plays along: "Like Rockefeller dying on top of his mistress." Munch notes that's "still [his] preferred way to go." As yet another nasty image sends me over the edge and I call 911 and tell the operator to send the men in the white coats, Munch and Cassidy decide the step is to go through Schiller's address book.
After my, um, rest, we're back at the cop shop. Cassidy's on the phone speaking some pretty bad German, Munch is doing equal damage to the Russian language, and Benson is actually getting somewhere with her fluent Spanish. What is this -- SVU Cast Talent Show? Stabler just looks impressed with his partner as she finishes her conversation with a bunch of si and gracias. The word from Belize is that a tamale maker got a nice mention in one of Schiller's books, but otherwise, "nada." Nothing from Berlin, either. Benson thinks they have to look at what isn't in the address book, because travelers are used to brief relationships, and Schiller could have picked up a stray and gotten into a bad situation. No matter though, because Jeffries crawls out from under a file cabinet in the basement and tells them all that the two-seven (Briscoe!) got a call from Grand Central Station, where a girl named Virginia Hayes was caught shoplifting.
So Benson and Stabler head on over to Grand Central, where a uniform cop is watching over Virginia, who is sitting on the floor at a newsstand, reading a magazine and chewing gum. The shop owner bitches about shoplifters, and Benson tells him to talk to the hand. No, really. She holds up her hand to shut him up and everything. Stabler takes Virginia's headphones off of her head and tells her he needs her to go with them. They make leave with Virginia, who in this scene bears a striking resemblance to Kat from The Real World London, while the owner keeps on bitching about "kids today." Yeah, cuz this generation of teens is the first to shoplift. So anyway, Stabler introduces himself and Benson to Virginia, who struts along in her belly shirt and is relieved that they're not truant officers. I just need to interject here that if this girl is sixteen, I'm late to collect my Social Security check. My god, casting people! Some geek stops them to ask where the Katonah train is, and while Stabler and Benson are unsure of where to send him, Virginia knows the line, track, and departure time. I know this sounds insignificant now, but it'll mean something later. Trust me: I passed the Foreshadowing quiz in grade school. The geek thanks her, she whatevers him, and they start walking again. Stabler tells her, "Something happened at home last night." Virginia's all worried that something happened to her mom.
Back at the Hayes house, in front of which are many cop cars, Virginia approaches the front steps. Mrs. Hayes comes outside to tell her, "It's Schilly. Schilly died." She takes Virginia's face in her hands and tries to hug her, but Virginia's not interested. She pushes her mother away and then bum rushes her, screaming, "You BITCH! You couldn't keep your hands off him, could you?" Benson and Stabler separate them, and Benson tries to get Virginia to calm down while the girl stares daggers at her retreating mother. Mrs. Hayes tries to regain some semblance of dignity as she goes inside to call Vince McMahon and pimp her daughter to the women's division of the WWF.
After the break, we're in the interrogation room, where Stabler is standing against the mirror, listening to Virginia whine, "The only thing my mother was ever faithful to was the bottle. She drove my father away in a drunken rage. He didn't even have time to say goodbye." Stabler and his stone face sit, while Benson ascertains that Virginia's dad pretty much never exercised his visitation rights. Benson asks where Virginia was last night. She says she went swimming, and on the way home took the wrong train, so she just rode around all night. Um, okay, y'all remember back up a couple of paragraphs ago where I mentioned Virginia' s knowledge of the train lines? Yeah, well, nobody in the show is ever going to mention it, not even in conjunction with her little white "oh, I'm just a dumb little girl, I got on the wrong train, aren't I just so silly?" lie. I just wanted to point out that we're not even halfway through the damned episode and I know this kid's full of shit. Do the detectives pick up on it? No. But then, they believe this girl's in high school, when it's quite obvious she's twenty-three, so I'm not expecting much in the way of deduction from them this week. Okay, so. Stabler's kind of smiling as he asks, "That's it? You just decided to ride around the city?" Virginia leans in and flirts, "The adventure begins with you." I gotta say, in this case, the girl's got a point. Stabler asks if that's a Schiller line. Virginia smiles, nods, and sits back in her chair. Benson asks if Schiller ever brought any women home. Virginia, speaking in awed tones, says that "the only thing Schiller ever brought home was a suitcase small enough to fit in the overhead bin." What, no souvenirs? What kind of world traveler doesn't shop on his trips? I can't relate. Stabler asks if Mrs. Hayes was giving Schiller a break on the rent, and Virginia knowingly replies, "No, but she was eager to provide him with all modern conveniences." Oh, so that's what the kids are calling it these days. Stabler asks if she means that her mom and the tenant had a relationship. "Do you mean capital R Relationship or little R relationship?" Okay, now I believe she's a kid. Benson tells her the one that involves sex. Virginia educates us all on the ways of the young: "Capital R relationship. No. Schilly drove her crazy because he never refused her directly. His manners kept her hopes up; she's not used to politeness." Nice. So anyway, Virginia says her mom was jealous of Schiller's lifestyle and freedom, because "he wasn't saddled with a kid." Like, boo hoo. Not. Stabler busts out the Frederick's of Hollywood Evidence Bag for Fall and asks Virginia if she recognizes its contents. Virginia doesn't hesitate to answer: "Mommy's. She always wore the good stuff when she wanted to get lucky." And then in a sing-song voice with a grin, "Fat lot of good it did her this time." Benson and I are appropriately horrified.
Benson, Stabler, and Virginia head out to the squad room, where Jeffries hands a piece of paper to Benson and Stabler introduces Virginia to Cassidy and Munch. Cassidy addresses her as "Ginny," and she shoots daggers back at him when she sternly says, "Virginia." Like, easy, Killer. Benson tells her that Munch and Cassidy will take her home. Virginia asks Munch if she can drive, and he shows me he's not falling for her Teen Angst bit either when he answers, "Since you're probably about as old as my partner, I don't see why not." Oh, wait. He meant that as a dig on Cassidy. Who, while playing with his Nerf football, is totally offended. They leave, and Benson comments to Stabler that Virginia's tough. Stabler's not impressed by the bravado, though: "She's just like Maureen. Drama's a major food group for teenage girls." Uh, word? He looks at the paper Jeffries gave to Benson and notes that Mrs. Hayes had seven tenants in the last five years (must not have been rent controlled), and that only one is still in Manhattan. You know what that means.
Chung-chung! We're over at As the Vinyl Turns, on Bleecker Street. In this week's installment of New York Stereotype Theater, a balding guy in a blue button-down shirt, who is just so totally Central Casting's Number One Bitter Bitch, is ranting. "Constantly touching me," says the hipper-than-thou, snarky to the bone ex-tenant. "Even when I specifically asked to be alone, she'd find some excuse to bother me. Dropping off the mail, leaving me cookies and milk. I'm lactose intolerant!" Tee hee! Benson asks if he was ever "romantically involved" with Mrs. Hayes. "No!" he says, shuddering violently. "No, no, no." Stabler tries his best to stifle his laughter while Benson asks what Mrs. Hayes's reaction to rejection was. By way of answer, Former Tenant Guy tells of how he once had a female friend come over and pretend to be his girlfriend, thinking that would discourage Mrs. Hayes. Instead, the landlady went ballistic on them, throwing out the friend and literally reading to the tenant the clause in the lease regarding "no overnight guests without permission." Former Tenant Guy gets his snit on as he explains that he only stayed with his Psycho Bitch Landlady because he was a broke grad student. "It was a nice place," he elaborates. "But it's like, when I travel, I'd rather stay in a hotel than one of those charming B&B's. I prefer anonymity. Solitude. I hate making small talk over tiny blueberry muffins." Stabler, Benson, and I are all infinitely amused by this rant.
Chung-chung! We're back at the home of Annabel (Annabel?) and Virginia Hayes, who, for those keeping score at home, live at 201 East Ninth Street. Stabler and Benson are sitting at the kitchen table, and Mrs. Hayes is standing, having a drink. Shocking, I know. Stabler asks if she knows how Schiller died. She knows that his mouth was taped shut, "and he looked like he was ready to hit a home run." Oh, all right: heh. But I only say that because I'm so excited that baseball season is finally here. Benson wants to clarify that no one else was in the house when Mrs. H came home on the day of the murder. Mrs. H whines, "No, I told you no before. People aren't gonna magically appear! What are you getting at?" Stabler wants to know if she touched the body when she found it. Mrs. H snarks, "Yeah, I collected month's rent. Of course not." Benson asks her to explain the presence of lacy underwear in the mouth of the deceased. Mrs. H is genuinely stunned and slurs that she has no idea, that "maybe it was some weird sex thing." Stabler asks if Schiller had a history of taking Mrs. Hayes's underwear. Mrs. H is totally weirded out that the underwear was hers, and then waxes philosophical about how one person can never really know another. Or something. Benson wants to get back to the subject at hand, namely how the underwear got into Schiller's throat. Mrs. H bitches that "maybe they crawled down." Um, ew. Stabler asserts that she was angry with Schiller because he wasn't interested in her. She denies this. She admits that there was a time when she wanted Schiller, but now she has a boyfriend. Or, she thinks she does. His name's Tom, and he works at a department store. Incidentally, he gets her a great discount on expensive underwear. Stabler makes a note of this and asks when Mrs. H last saw "Tom." She says it was the night before. They met for drinks, and had a fight about Schiller. Tom thought there was something going on between tenant and landlord. Benson's mightily pissed that Mrs. H didn't mention this before. Mrs. H says her reason for not mentioning it earlier was that "Tom once told [her] that he loved [her]. That's worth a lot." Welcome to Patheticville, population: you. Stabler asks Mrs. H if she thinks Tom could have killed Schiller. She certainly hopes not. They get Tom's full name -- Thomas Dayton -- and the name and address of the place where Mrs. H and Tom had drinks, and head out . . .
. . . to Julian's Bistro, where a waitress tells them that Tom Dayton is a happy-hour regular and a nice guy, "only this time he brought a date." Which is memorable only in that Mr. Dayton and his guest got into a big fight about the waitress's tip, which then turned into a fight about who loved whom more. Oh, that's mature. Did they leave together? No, they did not. Mrs. H nursed a couple of drinks after Tom left. The waitress told Mrs. H she was better off without him anyway. To Stabler she says, "Women are always better off when left to their own mechanical devices." Then to Benson, "I'm sure you know what I mean." Then she walks away and leaves us all smirking. I wonder if Dead Richard Schiller appreciates all the comedy involved in the investigation of his death.
In the parking lot of some apartment building (or something), a prematurely gray guy beeps the alarm on his car while a groundskeeper tells Stabler and Benson, "That's him over there." Gray-haired guy is Tom Dayton. He's got really bad Hair Club for Men hair. Borderline mullet, unnatural curls, no discernable part or front hairline, the whole deal. Benson and Stabler introduce themselves, and Dayton immediately knows that "this is about Richard Schiller." Anyway, Tom says he's been dating Mrs. H for about six or seven months, and that "she's really serious." When asked how serious he is, he non-answers, "Loving someone who expected more from life is a big responsibility." Wow. Mrs. Hayes is disappointed with how her life has turned out? I hadn't gotten that impression. Except for the part where I totally did, like, in the opening freaking scenes of the episode. Move on, writers, cuz I'm pretty sure, at this point, that even people who didn't read the show and aren't reading the recap GET. IT. God. Dayton allows that he's also not sure he's ready to be the father of a teenage girl. Stabler, World's Best Dad, smiles and commiserates that one is never prepared for that situation. Dayton says that he knows teenagers' fashion sense, but Virginia is hard to read. Benson gets him back on topic and Dayton admits to fighting with Mrs. H about Schiller; that's where all their fights started, in fact. Dayton didn't think there was anything going on between Schiller and Mrs. H, but he overreacted because Mrs. H couldn't stop talking about Schiller, who was getting ready to leave on another big trip. He says that after the fight, he went home alone. The doorman probably saw him. Then he whines that he's been working a lot of overtime because it's Homecoming season. Stabler's like, don't remind me.
Our heroes are walking and theorizing. Benson's up first: "They get in a fight, Dayton leaves, goes to the Hayes house, and kills Schiller." Stabler thinks this makes sense, and then wonders why Mrs. Hayes didn't tell them about Dayton before. Benson borrows a skillet from the Dawson's Creek writers and asks him, "Haven't you ever tried to protect someone you love?" Stabler thinks about this and looks away, just in time to miss the flying cast iron swinging through and not at all subtly segueing us too . . .
. . . the bathroom of the Stabler Than Thou Household (tm Wendola), where Apple of Elliot's Eye Maureen is all done up to go out and smirking at her little blonde sister, who is getting her hair braided by Stabler. Aw. The phone rings, and the middle daughter brings the phone to Stabler, who answers the call as the Light of His Life Wife (tm Wendola), Kathy, enters the room wearing a sexy black sheath dress and a knowing look. Stabler tells the person on the phone that he'll meet them there, lifts his little girl off of his lap, and suggests that his family go on to dinner and he'll meet them for dessert. Maureen sasses, "Yeah, sure you will." Damn, that girl's got balls. Kathy shoots her first-born a look to make all mothers proud and tells her kids, "You all know the drill." I get all excited for a Stabler Family Singers rendition of "So Long, Farewell," but instead they all line up for kisses from their dad before heading out. He tells each one "I love you" before smooching them, making sure to check that little Dickie washed his hands in the process. He goes to take Maureen's head in his hands, but she swats him away and says, "Dad, not on the lips," and walks away. Stabler is visibly perplexed and leans against the door with Kathy. He asks, "When did that happen?" She laughs to herself and answers smartly, "When you were at work." Ouch.
In the cop shop, Benson's sitting at her desk, typing on a laptop, brows furrowed, while Stabler stands behind her. Suddenly she exclaims, "He's dead!" Stabler leans in and points to the screen, where we all read that Thomas Dayton died in a car crash in Seattle in 1987. They do a search for siblings, and it turns out that Scott Dayton, Tom's older brother, has borrowed his brother's social security number. Stabler pushes a couple of keys and six mug shots come up on the screen. The Supporting Character Formerly Known as Tom Dayton is the top center shot. Turns out Scott Dayton was convicted of two counts of child molestation in Seattle in October of 1990. Stabler quips that "it seems he liked to work with his hands." Oh, because the guy's nasty-ass "hair" wasn't skeevy enough. Now they gotta go and make him a perv, too? The things I put up with. Our heroes both realize that "it wasn't Mrs. Hayes he wanted to keep all to himself; it was Virginia."
At some department store that could be Barney's or Henri Bendel, Dayton and a teenage girl are standing in front of a mirror. He pulls the dress she's trying on tight under her boobs and says, "See, we just pull this up, take that in, see how that looks?" The girl nods and smiles and sticks out her boobs as she turns around. Dayton says it's a great color for her. Um, sweety, just buy the smaller size. We see Stabler and Benson coming up the short flight of stairs and Stabler hollers, "You know where we might find Scott Dayton?" Dayton pushes a rack of clothes at Stabler and runs the opposite direction. Benson gives chase and Stabler gets up and runs back the way they came to cut Dayton off at the pass, or something. Benson tackles and cuffs Dayton. Stabler stands him up and stares daggers while Dayton makes "just doing my job" noises. Benson tell him that's what they were afraid of as she takes him away, and Stabler glowers so hard he brings on a commercial break.
We're back in the interrogation room, where Stabler's giving Dayton shit about his job. "Back to school's probably your favorite time of the year. All those poodle skirts." Well, no wonder Maureen's all pissy, if her parents are dressing her for the 1950s. Dayton insists, "I work hard and meet tight budgets to make an awkward teenager look her best." WhatEVER. Benson bets he suggests a lot of alterations. He doesn't get it and starts in with the "they're often needed. A perfect size --" but Stabler cuts him off by reading my mind and saying a simple, "Please." Dayton protests that he was trained as a dressmaker, it's what he's good at. Stabler asks if Dayton can give a personal touch. Dayton gets all sniffy, saying, "Yes, it involves touching. Any touching at all, regardless of my history, is taboo in this frostbitten country." Yeah, it's outdated Puritanical values that make diddling little kids wrong. There's nothing inherently bad about it, you sick bastard. Benson asks if Mrs. Hayes knows that he's a convicted pedophile. He says no, that he wanted a clean start when he got out of prison. "Which, when you're a convicted sex offender, you can never have. And when I met Annabel, I honestly thought we had a chance. We had a normal sex life, three times a week." Like, go join your girlfriend in the dry bed of the river I'm not crying for either of you. Stabler guesses that every time Mrs. H and Dayton had sex, Dayton was thinking of Virginia. Dayton says he "never touched Ginny." "VIRGINIA!" booms Stabler, shaking Dayton to his core. Dayton says he learned to control his impulses, and that he's been in therapy. Stabler insists that he touched Virginia, and Dayton says that even if he wanted to -- which he didn't -- he never had the chance, because Virginia and Annabel spent all their energy trying to get Schiller's attention. He says Virginia won that contest. "So, what you're saying is that Schiller was the pedophile?" Benson asks. Dayton says this is exactly what he means. Dayton says he saw the way Schiller would look at Virginia, and he knows "that look." Benson asks if that made him jealous. Stabler, clearly a little bit too focused, asks if it made him so jealous he "did something about it. Schiller was so good at chatting her up [Dayton] decided to shut his mouth." Dayton AGAIN insists that he neither touched Virginia nor killed Schiller. Stabler says he lied to Annabel Hayes. Dayton says he's a different person now. Stabler's got the blinders on and gets in Dayton's face and goes off: "Who still gets jealous of the affections of a little girl. You know, I'm surprised you didn't ask Annabel to marry you. Then Virginia would be Daddy's Little Girl!" "Elliot!" Benson gets her partner back from the brink and they go to . . .
. . . Cap'n Cragen's office, where Benson is saying, "Sometimes enough is enough." Stabler says it never is. Cassidy says it sounds like Dayton's gotten his life together, and points out that "he got a regular job." Munch reminds us all that said job is in the Juniors department. Cassidy quips that "it's hard to change careers." Benson tells Cragen that they have no hard evidence of any wrongdoing by Dayton, which sets Stabler off aGAIN. "He steals his brother's Social Security card, he evades his parole officer. This guy will lie to his last breath. Why do you think he's shifting blame on Schiller? He blames Schiller for everything he's feeling!" Whoa, Elliot. Dial it back a notch. Cragen echoes my thoughts and says, "I'm getting a headache. We've got a convicted pedophile saying he didn't molest anybody, and a dead guy who wasn't a pedophile, who might have." Benson says that maybe Dayton's telling the truth. Cragen doubts the honesty of pedophiles, and sends her and Stabler to ask Virginia.
Cut to an indoor pool, where Benson spots Virginia swimming laps. Yeah, right. Whatever. They greet her at the edge of the pool. Cut to Virginia, looking down and telling the detectives, "Whenever Mr. Dayton would stay with my mom, he'd come into my room late at night. Whenever she'd fallen asleep or passed out, whichever came first. He would come to me whenever he didn't get what he wanted from her [she glances up]. I'd pretend I was asleep, but he always woke me up." As the tears start to well up, the writers of Something About Amelia and Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" video file simultaneous copyright infringement suits, naming Virginia Hayes as the defendant. Benson's buying it, and asks Virginia if Dayton made her touch him. Virginia nods. Stabler has a big steel hook lodged in his cheek as he leans in and asks, "That's not all, is it? Oral sex?" Objection! Leading the witness! Virginia cries and nods. "Intercourse?" Virginia nods and cries, but still she doesn't make eye contact. Benson shakes her head in anger and disgust as Virginia goes for the Emmy: "I finally asked him to stop. That's when Richard heard us. A few nights before he died, Richard came into the room and shoved him off of me and Richard told him that if he caught him in my room again, he'd kill him." She looks up to make sure they're still buying it, and they are. Suckers. Benson asks her, "You came home that night, didn't you?" Virginia says she did. She found Richard, and "knew" that he'd died trying to protect her. She freaked and ran to the train station, where she stayed all night, watching the board. "I just wanted to leave so bad." Stabler beats me to the punch by asking her, "Why didn't you?" Virginia sobs that she didn't have anyone to go to. Oh, poor baby. Except for the "poor" part. Benson very gingerly says, "Your mom says sometimes you borrow her clothes." Virginia slowly replies, "The underwear." Oh, gross. Benson asks if Virginia was wearing them that day. Virginia gets all beatific and smiles, "Mom hates it when I do, it's just -- they're so nice." Virginia didn't tell the cops this because she didn't want to get in trouble. She hid the underwear in the hamper after she showered. She says she found Schiller's body after her shower, around six. Benson asks what position the body was in, and Virginia starts crying some more and blathers, "I always said 'hello' after swimming. I swim and I swim and I take forty-hour showers and I never fell clean!" Yeah, that's how I feel recapping this show. She sobs some more and looks up, hopeful that her audience is still mesmerized.
Back in the squad room, Stabler says that "people like Dayton are habitual" and that "it was only a matter of time before he went after someone else." Cragen's just sorry it had to be Virginia. What, some other kid would have been a more acceptable target? The ADA thinks they have enough to hold Dayton over. Cragen says the uniforms have been over the house twice, and still haven't found the weapon. Stabler says Dayton's had plenty of time to get rid of it. Benson the skeptic asks why Virginia didn't tell them in the first place that she wore the underwear. Stabler shrugs that "she didn't want to get in trouble." Oh, my god. Stabler, watch the damned After School Specials with your kids. Benson says that Virginia couldn't remember the position Schiller's body was in when she found him. Stabler's STILL making excuses, saying the adrenaline rush that kicked in when she realized he was dead is to blame. Benson's not buying it: "Oh, come on. You never forget that. When I asked her about Schiller's body, she started up the tear factory." Go, Olivia! Cragen asks what Benson expected. Benson thinks maybe a straight answer. The ADA wants to know what's up with this. Benson cracks my shit up and speaks my mind by answering, "Anybody who's seen a Tori Spelling movie of the week could have given the same performance Virginia did." Stabler is shocked -- shocked! -- saying that he thought Benson "of all people" would be on Virginia's side. Benson says that every scenario has different interpretations, and to think about the possibility that Virginia was the one who fled the scene of the crime. Cragen asserts that the girl was scared. "Oh, and O.J. Simpson was taking an afternoon drive? Same facts, different interpretation." Word. The ADA tells them she's outta there until they make a damned decision. Jeffries walks in and hands a file to Cragen, announcing that Schiller had sex just before he was killed. What's more, the secretions the ME found on him match the secretions found on the underwear. Benson shrugs and says that Dayton never touched Virginia. Stabler says that Schiller raped Virginia. Benson says there's also the possibility that Virginia was aroused. Cragen boils it down. "Okay, couple of scenarios. One: The mother walked in on them, flew into a rage, killed him. Two: The mother's boyfriend walked in on them, flew into a rage, killed him." Benson: "Three: Virginia flew into a rage, killed him." Stabler, deep in denial, just shakes his head and says, "No." Benson says that everybody has a breaking point. Stabler just refuses to believe it and Cragen folds his arms.
Cut to Mrs. Hayes opening her front door and telling our heroes, "No way in hell are you talking to my daughter again. Filled her head with all that garbage." Heh. Benson's like, fine, be at the station with your brat and your lawyer at eight tomorrow morning. As Stabler goes to leave, Virginia comes toward the front door and leans against the wall, which causes Benson to hesitate and ask, "Tell me, Virginia. Does killing a man make you feel all grown up?" Heh. Mrs. H predictably shuts the door in Benson's face.
Casa Stabler and Happier. Elliot and Kathy are making out on the couch like teenagers. Stabler's down to his wife beater and jeans, and good GOD, but that is a fine specimen of manhood. He stops with the necking and announces, "Maureen has a boyfriend." Kathy teases, "One that she probably kisses on the lips." She tells him that said boyfriend is one Jim Delmonico. "Little Jimmy?" Stabler asks, incredulous. Kathy tells her beloved that "Little Jimmy is six foot with a voice to match. He's a junior, fullback first string, and he's asked our daughter to Homecoming." Stabler's still coming to grips with the fact that "Little Jimmy's a junior" as Kathy continues to tease him, saying that Jimmy and Maureen "do a lot of studying together." Stabler leans forward and says, "No, no, no, no." Like, dude, chill. Kathy tells him just that, but he's gone to another place, and is just staring straight ahead. He asks if Maureen's had sex yet. Kathy just rolls her eyes and says she hopes not. Stabler wonders how they'll know. Kathy says, "IF we'll know." I love Kathy.
Squad room. Jeffries protesting that "she's a child." Munch saying, "but the attraction stretches way beyond the midlife crisis. The way a halter top shows off a flat stomach." Stabler eggs him on: "The mature discussions you can have about the Backstreet Boys." Cassidy rolls out the old "girls mature faster than boys" standby, to which Jeffries nods. Munch spouts some shit about that theory being a government conspiracy, and there's some crap about Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone, which Cassidy likens to McGwire taking creatine to bulk up, and Munch gets to cut Cassidy down by telling him that the cows take the hormones, not the farmers. No, I don't understand either. But we got a Cassidy scene, so I'm not complaining. Stabler takes a phone call and learns that Virginia's in the hospital. She tried kill herself.
At the hospital, Virginia's sleeping, and wakes up to hear her doctor telling Stabler and Benson that she was admitted at seven that morning, and that, luckily, she only cut one wrist. Benson asks if Virginia will be okay, which the doctor says she will. Benson says it "doesn't sound like a serious attempt." Stabler reads my mind and says, "Serious enough." The doctor tells them that the teenagers who want more than attention usually end up dead. WHATEVER. Mrs. Hayes comes around the corner, looking mighty pissed to see the detectives. She rails at Benson: "This is all your fault. I've lost the most important thing in my life." Benson reassures her that Virginia will be okay. Mrs. H, visibly exasperated, says, "I mean Thomas! You poisoned him against me! You self-important bitch," and walks past. Oh, yeah. Annabel Hayes: Mother of the Year.
Cragen's office. The ADA's back, saying that Mrs. Hayes is threatening to sue the entire department for lost wages and hospital bills. Cragen says to tack on a few zeros for a broken heart. Stabler's all, "The mother's an alcoholic." The ADA says that doesn't justify their "tearing into a little girl. What happened to the kid gloves?" Benson answers, "If she was a kid, I woulda used 'em." The ADA says Virginia is indeed a kid. Benson's not interested in chronology. "In no way is Virginia Hayes a child. And probably not a victim, either." The ADA asks about Mrs. Hayes. Cragen reminds us all that he's in recovery by saying, "Drunks are always victims in their own minds." Word. The ADA is like, "But there was a relationship between Virginia and Schiller." Cragen says, "Right." Stabler says, "No!" Benson says, "Yes." Cragen's fed up. Stabler says they don't know what it was, Benson says they had sex, Stabler says Virginia tried to kill herself because she's emotionally overwhelmed. Benson's like, "Or she was cornered." The ADA asks if they think Virginia killed Schiller. Benson definitely does. Stabler's not ready to "take that leap." The ADA asks if anyone thinks maybe self-defense, and Stabler and Benson both look down. Cragen tells the ADA they'll let her know when they get it worked out. She's all sarcastic and sassy: "I can't wait." Neither can Cragen. Whatever.
Stabler and Benson are walking outside. Benson's edumacating her partner on the ways of girls. "The mother had a revolving door of boyfriends. Virginia learned at an early age that men were just a commodity. That, and as arcane as it sounds, there is some truth to the notion that every girl wants to marry her father." I note that Mariska Hargitay is pigeon-toed. Stabler notes that most girls "outgrow it." Uh, word. Big hella word. Benson's not done yet. "When a father is absent, it is not unusual for a younger girl to be attracted to an older man." Um, word. But then, in a patriarchal society such as ours, it's pretty common for any woman to be attracted to an older man. But that's a lecture for another time. Benson tells Stabler that such relationships are a lot more common than he thinks. We learn that Benson was seventeen her first time, and "he" was about her age now (mid-thirties). She says that she could not have loved him more. Stabler says it doesn't matter -- it's an unequal relationship, and being in love does not absolve an affair. Huh? Benson whines that she's not saying love is an excuse. "I'm saying that soulmates come in all shapes and sizes, and ages." Oh lord, the S word. Stabler's not buying it. Benson stops and says slowly, "Elliot. She didn't remember the position of the body. Have you ever seen that?" She searches his face and asks, "What are you trying to protect in her?" He answers, "Her. I'm trying to protect her." Benson doesn't fall for it, and tells him what we all figured out like twenty minutes ago: "No. You're trying to protect your daughter, and you can't." He just levels his gaze and tells his partner, "Don't bring her into this."
So of course we cut to Stabler and Prettier House, where Erin Bratovich, I mean Maureen, is coming down the stairs, all dressed up for the dance. Kathy is gushing and taking a million pictures, telling Maureen how great she looks. I have to admit, she looks very nice. And age appropriate, which, as we all know from watching Joan and Melissa Rivers, is just as important. Maureen's all embarrassed, and Jimmy's there in his tuxedo, smiling nervously and holding a flower box. Standing to him is my boyfriend, smiling proudly at his beautiful daughter. Jimmy gives Maureen her wrist corsage, and she thanks him with a big brace-filled smile. Kathy asks to get one more picture by the fireplace, and Maureen and Jimmy pose. Elliot doesn't move from his spot to Jimmy, so Kathy has to ask him to get out of the shot, which he reluctantly does. Kathy snaps the pic, and Maureen says they have to go. Kathy tells her husband to say goodnight to the boy who wants to get into his daughter's pants, so in the foreground Elliot and Jimmy shake hands without speaking. In the background, Maureen and Kathy hug and giggle. Maureen and Jimmy turn and make to leave for real, and as they get to the door, Stabler calls out from his spot by the fireplace, "You look beautiful tonight, honey." Maureen stops, turns around, and goes back to give her dad a hug. He leans in and kisses her on the cheek, and she smiles. She leaves for real, saying good night to Stabler and telling him not to wait up. He gives her a good-natured, "Yeah, right." Okay, as much as Maureen bugs, that scene was very true and well done.
Oh, what's this? Why, it's a Chung-chung! It's taken us back to the Hayes house, where Benson and Stabler are buzzed in, which surprises them. They go in and call to Virginia, who is sitting in wait for them in Schiller's room. Benson's all, "You wanted to talk to us?" Virginia doesn't answer, so Benson continues, "Tom Dayton never touched you, did he?" Virginia smiles and admits that this is true. Stabler asks, "It was Schiller? He raped you?" Like, Elliot, WAKE UP! He continues in his compassionate, fatherly way, "Tell us. It changes everything if Schiller sexually assaulted you." Virginia stands, walks her tank-topped and bandaged-wristed self over to the bookshelf-lined wall, and says, "I wouldn't call it assault." Benson tells her they need to hear it in Virginia's own words, and asks how it all started. Virginia says Schiller would tell her and her mom stories about his travels and that they'd stay up late in the kitchen, hearing about exotic places. She says it got sexual on "July seventeenth. It was raining. Mom wasn't home. Schiller and I ordered Ethiopian food. Delicious." Then she kissed him. "He coerced you?" Stabler asks from his parental fog. Good lord, Elliot. Her name's Virginia, not Maureen. Virginia sets him straight, telling him, "No, we couldn't help ourselves. I had never felt this. PULL before. Every man's fantasy, right? Having some young girl want him? [Stabler appears to ponder this.] It was so much more than that. For the first time in my life, making love felt natural, felt good. For the first time, it felt safe." Oy. Stabler asks how long it went on. She says, months, that when he was home, "he made this house bearable," but when he was gone she didn't think she could make it without him. She cried every night. When he came back, he would promise never to leave her behind again. When he was out, she read his mail and discovered that he was leaving again, for Romania. She packed her bags and told him she wanted to go with him. "He was sitting right there." The Cellos of Revelation start up as Virginia kneels to the chair where Schiller died. Benson looks to Stabler, who has FINALLY come out of the haze and takes over. He walks over to Virginia and asks her to tell him what happened. "I did," she says, looking from one to the other of them, "what he liked." Stabler gently asks what that means. She gets up on the chair and tells them, "I got on his lap, and the chair leans back. And when we were finished, I leaned in and asked him to 'take me away, you promised.'" Stabler asks what Schiller said. Virginia venomously replies, "He said he needed to travel light. And I knew I couldn't stay another day here without him. Something broke inside me. I didn't think! I put my knee on his throat and I held it there." Her face is wet with tears as she goes on. "He made this wet, hissing sound, and he couldn't talk. And when he was still, I picked up my underwear from the floor, and I put it in his mouth and I left. He had this drive, this impulse to travel." Stabler looks sad and says, "Like you." Virginia nods and says, "He'd always promise to take me away, to a place where he would love me and I just wanted so badly to leave this life." She starts sobbing again, hugs the chair and wails, "I miss him!" Then she breaks down some more and Stabler stands up. Oy. Kids these days, indeed.