Welcome to Launch My Line, Bravo's latest attempt to replace Project Runway! I'm sure this will be quality TV, seeing as how Bravo delayed its premiere for months and months and then put it on at 11 pm on a Wednesday. Anyway, the gist of it is that there are ten people "at the top of their (vaguely fashion-related) field" who have a "passion for fashion." They'll each be teamed up with a real designer expert and try to make a clothing line. Because we all know that DJs and architects are just brimming with good ideas for clothing design.
The limos arrives and the contestants emerge. We meet fashion writer Patrick McDonald, who calls himself "the Dandy of New York." He looks like a hot mess to me, with his Cruella De Vil eyebrows and possibly drawn-on mole. He may have even drawn on the sideburns. Put the black eyebrow pencil down, Dandy. we meet Kathy Rose, a jewelry designer with terrible taste in hats. David Applebaum is an architect who brags about his celebrity clients, including Frank Sinatra (dead), Bob Hope (dead), and Rupert Murdoch (should probably watch his back). He claims it's his dream to be a clothing designer. I'll bet that dream began as soon as he found out he could get on a reality show for it. Louanna Rawls claims to be a wardrobe stylist, but she's actually just Lou Rawls' daughter. Then contestants assemble in front of the show hosts Dean and Dan Caten, the twin brothers behind DSquared2. Architect wonders if he's "seeing double." Shut up, Architect. Also, shut up, DSquared2. Why are they hosting this? They have seriously annoying voices. And they're creepy. Also, the name of their fashion line reminds me of math, and I hate math. Merle Ginsberg, Fashion Critic, says she's always wanted to create her own fashion line. And if that doesn't work out, she has a promising career as a Katey Sagal impersonator.
The group head inside the California Market Center that is apparently serving as home base. DSquared2 explain the rules and say that the winner gets his or her own fashion line that will be sold to the public, most likely on the Bravo website. He or she will also get an article in Lucky magazine. And now it's time for the contestants to be paired with an "expert," whose motivation to give a shit about this is $50,000 if a member of the winning team. Just to drag things out, each expert is holding a bag with one contestant's personal item inside. Whoever's item is in the bag is paired with that expert. Roberto is paired with Patrick the Dandy, and wonders which one of them will be the bigger diva. The answer, of course, is DSquared2. CEO L. Marilyn Crawford's personal item is an invitation to some event with Oprah. L. Marilyn is lame for that. She's paired with some woman named Coco who doesn't get an interview. Merle is paired with Thai. Music executive Kevin is paired with Akiko, whoever she is. Dan Karaty, choreographer, is paired with designer Susan. He tries to convince us that choreography and fashion have something to do with each other. Even though he's wearing a white T-shirt and a purple sweater vest that's too big for him, showing that he has no fashion sense. David gets Julie. Louanna gets Jim. Event director Vanessa Gonzalez gets Tressa. Vanessa's definition of fashion, from the pictures they show of her choice outfits, appears to be Disney princesses. Grow up, Vanessa. Kathy gets Emil. And Eric gets Galina.
With everyone paired up, DSquared2 explain this week's challenge: to "define your line" (a.k.a. name it) and design its signature look, using their personal items as inspiration. Oh, and they only have one hour to do it. L. Marilyn gets to work on a "modern power dress." Have fun integrating an invitation from Oprah into that. L. Marilyn wants to use the name of her dead mother, Lilly, in her line. She comes up with Lilly Remarkable. Vanessa wants to use a jumpsuit as her signature piece because she's insane. I think she should call her line The Mr. Furley Special. Patrick wants his line to be about the nightlife and be named after his dead grandfather. "Oh my God!" Roberto says. Simmer down, Roberto. Dead Grandpa's last name was Wickenden, so that's what Patrick is naming his line. They come up with a "Dandy" trench coat for his signature piece. Wow, that sounds horrible.
At the end of the hour, DSquared2 run in the room and say it's time to select their fabrics. So off they go to some JoAnn Fabrics-like place full of fabric. DSquared2 say they'll get ten baseline fabrics in all to use on their entire line, and right now they're choosing the first five. The teams run through the store in search of their fabrics. Louanna says she likes "jersey knit," because nothing says high fashion like the stuff you use for sheets in college because they're the only ones who make them in that stupid XL twin size. Go on with your bad American Apparel self, Louanna! The architect is screwed because he can't find any bricks or stucco in the fabric store. He ends up picking denim and driving his designer crazy. Team Dandy spot peacock feather boas and buy out the store's supply. As soon as the teams have picked their first five fabrics, DSquared2 send the designers back out for the second five -- but this time they won't have the experts to help them. David's designer prepares herself for a whole lotta denim. Chaos ensues amongst the contestants, culminating in a faceoff between Kevin and Kathy when she accuses him of taking one of the fabrics she set aside. Which he totally did, but justifies it by saying "when I see a girl got 15 fabrics on the table, ain't none of them taken. It's open game for everybody." He then declares war on Kathy. So he's a dick.
And then the contestants are whisked away to their design space. Kevin is so excited that he screams, "YES! YES! LET'S GET IT STARTED, BABY!" while spit flies out of his mouth. Some lands on Vanessa's shoulder, but I'm sure that's her fault, because when a girl got a shoulder in front of a guy's mouth, it's open game for everybody to be spit on. DSquared2 show off the trim closet the contestants will have access to, but only for ten minutes a day, and the experts are not allowed in at all. Then they dub in some lines about their models and how they have their measurements but can't fit them until two hours before launch, which will be in front of a live audience 29 hours from now, by the way.
The teams get to work. Architect says he's designing a pencil skirt, because he thinks every woman looks good in it. Unless, you know, she's into climbing ladders or riding bikes. Not so much then. Louanna's expert seems to do all the work while she stands around judging him. Roberto wears strange, huge old-man sunglasses in an interview where he says he's trying to teach Patrick as much about the designing craft as possible so he won't be a poseur. Um, Roberto? He's on a reality show. So are you. So you're both poseurs. And loseurs. L. Marilyn is designing something for "the average woman." Because that's what I look for in clothes: whatever makes me look average. Fortunately for L. Marilyn, her expert Coco is hilarious. When L. Marilyn gets bent out of shape that their businesswoman signature dress doesn't have a "wowness" like the yellow dress Kathy is designing, Coco just says innocently, "Is your businesswoman wearing a long yellow gown to work?"
Later, DSquared2 stop by to check out everyone's progress. Merle and Thai are first. Merle's idea for a fashion line appears to be inspired by Transformers, as she explains that she has a skirt that somehow becomes a scarf and a peplum that becomes a vest. DSquared2 head over to Team Dandy to stir up trouble, asking Patrick what he would change about Roberto. Patrick says Roberto is messy. Roberto throws a hissy fit and tosses a bunch of fabric on the floor and tells Patrick to do the rest of the work. "My spirit was getting very offended," Roberto tells us. More like his spirit wanted camera time. Roberto says he can be dramatic because he was "born on a volcano." I was born on a hospital bed -- does that also allow me a free pass on acting like a twat?
For the DVR-tricking interstitial, Kathy decides to annoy everyone by burning sage.
DSquared2 head for Dan's table . God is he boring. And really far behind compared to the rest of the teams, possibly due to his decision to make a jacket, which is one of the more complicated garments. DSquared2 know that's a disaster and run over to L. Marilyn to create another one, mentioning that her dress is boring compared to other designers' dresses. L. Marilyn agrees and blames Coco for all of that. Awesomely, we get a quick flashback to Coco's line about wearing a long yellow gown to work. L. Marilyn decides to change everything and go with a different design, even though it doesn't fit with her business dress concept. L. Marilyn thinks looking good on the runway is more important. Coco counts to ten in her head and says she's too tired for this. L. Marilyn dismisses her. Coco is awesome.
As for Roberto, he's not too tired to help, but he is too bitchy to help his own partner, instead offering to help Merle, who's like "go away." Patrick has to apologize to Roberto to make him come back. I hate Roberto. L. Marilyn, meanwhile, is stuck staring at her half-dressed mannequin while the rest of the teams go to bed. She's struck with inspiration and starts making an entirely new dress by herself. A few hours later, the teams return and Coco heads over to see what L. Marilyn accomplished without her. They are friendly to each other and all appears to be forgiven, so that's good. Coco interviews that Marilyn's new design was just as complicated as her old one, except now they had a lot less time to finish it.
And then we get like two seconds with Dan, who says he's still working on that jacket. Thanks for the update, Dan!
DSquared2 run in and announce that the Trim Room is open for the ten minutes. The designers rush in and raid the place. Kevin emerges with nothing, I'm sure because it was stolen by his arch-nemesis Kathy.
With three hours to go, Louanna and Jim are in trouble. Oil got on their dress. Whatever! Let's skip ahead to two hours to go and DSquared2 walk in wearing new outfits (they are like award show hosts with their costume changes) and say it's time to fit the models. That sucks for L. Marilyn, whose model is two dress sizes off from what she made. Dan is happy to see that his jacket fits his model. And then another hour goes by and it's time to send the models into hair and makeup. With ten minutes to go, most of the teams are well set except for L. Marilyn, whose model is too fat or something. They're rushing to refit the dress as the time ticks down.
Time for the fashion show! DSquared2 welcome the live audience and introduce the judges: Stephanie Greenfield, who founded a fashion branding company, whatever that is, and Lisa Kline, who has her own Lisa Kline stores and a terrible shag haircut. Louanna's dress is first out. The oil stain has been covered by the draping fabric and it all looks nice to me, if boring. Kevin goes . His model is wearing a short dress with a belt around it. Team Dandy's piece is a purple dress that looks like a bag. It's awful. Vanessa's model is wearing her stupid jumpsuit made of ugly shiny fabrics. Louanna says it "almost looked like a cartoon character." Very accurate, Louanna. David's model is wearing "structured casual wear." I was really hoping he would design a dress that looked like a house, but no. Disappointing. And here comes L. Marilyn's outfit, which actually looks fine. She has a brown zebra print hood thing and billowy sleeves with a long thin tube of a dress. Coco admits that L. Marilyn made the right decision. I guess she did -- it looks good to me. Dan's model wears his jacket, which I like except for the stupid little tails on the back. Eric the DJ, who we've heard almost nothing from all episode, has a dress on his model that he thinks embodies the club nightlife. Kathy's model is wearing a long yellow gown with a hood. I wonder if L. Marilyn got her hood idea from that. Merle's model walks out on stage and takes her skirt off and leaves it on the runway, then transforms various other items of clothing into something else.
With that, the show is over and it's time for the judging. Eric, Kevin, Kathy and Patrick are singled out first... and they're safe. I could have told you that --- no way is Eric going home this episode since we haven't heard anything from him. Also, Patrick's dress was ugly, but he and Roberto are probably considered entertaining, so they'll be here for a while. The four leave and DSquared2 tell the other six that their pieces were "interesting," which could be good or bad. So basically, Eric, Kevin, Kathy and Patrick were in the middle. Boring! Vanessa speaks first, saying her outfits are "always the life of the party." Lisa Kline asks how her jumpsuit was a signature piece, and Vanessa says she's known for her jumpsuits. She owns 30 of them. That's 30 jumpsuits too many. Lisa Kline says she loves jumpsuits, but Vanessa's was too glittery and the legs were too short. L. Marilyn is . Lisa Kline says she'd sell that dress in her store. DSquared2 say the audience voted for it as their favorite "by an overwhelming majority," so I guess Coco got told.
Louanna is up. Stephanie really liked her dress and says she'd wear it herself, but DSquared2 note that the tail of the dress came to a point that was too sharp. Dan goes , and Stephanie asks him about the jacket tails. Yes! I picked up on something the judges did! Expert Susan says she liked them. Lisa Kline says if you're going to do tails, you have to really go for them. She also thought "the front" of the jacket looked like "a toilet bowl." I'm not sure how that works, but okay. David says he was very interested in proportions in his design because he's an architect, and Stephanie says her eye went to the plain old jacket/wrap piece instead of his skirt signature piece. And then there's Merle. DSquared2 say they loved her concept and design. Oh. I was expecting more negativity. These judges are way too nice.
They have a brief conference and call out Merle, L. Marilyn and Louanna, one of whom is the challenge winner. It's Louanna. Oh, L. Marilyn is not liking that. She totally thought it was going to be her. And it really should have been. Louanna's dress is nice and all, but it's pretty plain.
And that means that the other three are up for elimination. So the judges must go to the workshop and take a "closer look" at their designs. Oh, good! That means the claws will finally come out. They look at David's first. Stephanie thinks it's too dark. Yeah, it does kind of look like something you'd wear to a funeral. up is Vanessa's horribleness. Looking at it in more detail isn't doing it any favors either, as DSquared2 say it "gives me carnival." Stephanie especially hates the giant, gold-heart chest plate thing. Finally, there's Dan. DSquared2 say the tailoring is bad. Yeah, it does look really shoddy up close. But it doesn't look carnival, so Vanessa must go!
Back from break, it's time to announce who is going home. First, they act all nice to the losers because they're only mean behind their backs, apparently. Lame. Also, is Lisa Klien wearing a necklace with her own logo on it? Ugh. And going home tonight is... Dan. What? Yes, they're keeping Vanessa. For now. Dan packs up and says he still wants to find a way to pair his choreography to his love of fashion. I think it's a shame that he's leaving, since his expert kind of screwed him over by not picking a better fabric or advising him not to do a jacket because they're so difficult. He walks out the door, and we see a clock on the wall counting down 72 hours until the launch. Although we the viewers have to wait a week.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what Other Celebrity Fashion Lines we'd like to see!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.