We All Live in a Yelly Submarine

S01E01

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Welcome aboard the USS Colorado, a nuclear submarine with 99 problems, but its 18 ICBMs ain't one. Let's meet her crew. Andre Braugher plays Captain Marcus Chaplin (like Sean Connery in Red October), a grizzled veteran with an Adama-like blend of gravitas and unpredictability, particularly when he's making portentous pronouncements into a phone handset. His youthful and loyal XO (like Denzel Washington in Crimson Tide) Sam Kendal, played by Scott Speedman, is looking forward to taking a desk job to be with his wife back home. Lieutenant Grace Shepard is a green officer, but happens to be the daughter of an Admiral and takes crap from no one. Least of all the crusty Chief of the Boat Joseph Prosser (like Harvey Keitel in U-571), played by Robert Patrick. We meet these people and other assorted crew members (who also includes Karofsky from Glee) just after they've extracted a fleeing Navy SEAL team from the middle of the Indian Ocean, and during a time when the President of the United States is having major political troubles back home. Neither we nor the crew find out what the SEALs' mission was, but within hours, the Colorado gets an order to launch its nukes. As subs always do in these kinds of stories.

Fortunately, both Chaplin and Kendal are highly conscientious, and before turning their launch keys and melting half of Pakistan, it occurs to them to wonder why the orders were relayed through Antarctica, when the normal D.C. channels are clearly still online. Chaplin gives the Pentagon a little ringy-ding-ding for proper confirmation, and is promptly relieved of command. But Kendal also refuses to launch, and the thing our heroes know, they've got incoming. Grazed by a missile launched by another American ship, the Colorado winds up at the bottom of the ocean. The end?

Obviously not. The sub gets back online and manages to limp to an island that hosts a NATO listening post, where they hope to figure out exactly what is going on and why their own government is trying to kill them. But even this may not be safe harbor, as the loyalty of certain crew members is in question and the local mayor-slash-crime boss isn't exactly welcoming them with open arms. Oh, and also? There are B-1 bombers en route to turn the sub, and probably the entire island, into the epicenter of a tsunami. Chaplin's done playing, though, and launches one of his nukes after all -- at Washington D.C., threatening to let it detonate there unless the planes are called off. The bombers turn back at the last second, but Chaplin allows the missile hit the Atlantic at a "safe" distance, letting a mushroom cloud that's visible from New York to probably Norfolk serve as notice that he is Not. Effing. Around. Well, that and a video message taped in the listening post, in which he comes off as "just crazy enough."

Meanwhile, stateside, shadowy forces are at work, taking people like Kendal's wife and Admiral Shepard into custody, while a spitfire defense contractor played by Autumn Reeser is highly invested in a prototype she has aboard the Colorado. And two nukes hit Pakistan anyway, which is probably not going to ease international tensions. What's going on, and is there really a government conspiracy, and how high does it go, and what do the people behind it want? Presumably these questions and more will be answered over the coming weeks, at a maddeningly leisurely pace.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

After a quick, pilot-style title card that shows an American flag submerged in the ocean, we're dropped right into the action. An inflatable motorboat full of Navy SEALs -- at least one of them wounded, so we know somebody somewhere is pretty mad at them -- flees to a point in the middle of a bay somewhere, while their leader, a poor man's (which is to say American) Robert Carlyle is on the phone to someone he calls "hospitality," requesting a "hot extract." Already this show is getting filthy. There doesn't seem to be anyone on the other end of the phone line, or even in sight, but suddenly, a big honking submarine surfaces directly beneath them, leaving their little boat neatly beached on the main hull just aft of the conning tower. I don't know if that's even possible, but it looks pretty impressive. We'll soon learn that this is the USS Colorado, an Ohio-class nuclear submarine, and it's about to become a very fraught place to be.

Inside the conn, which serves as the sub's bridge or CIC or what have you, there's an atmosphere of urgent competence. There's also a dollop of new people dropped on us at once, but as I soon realize, the nice thing about weecapping a show with a military setting is that the characters tend to have their names stitched across their right nipples. For right now I'll just say that the always riveting, frequently show-killing Andre Braugher is playing captain Marcus Chaplin and Scott Speedman is sporting a respectable naval haircut as his second-in-command, executive officer (or XO) Sam Kendal. Kendal gives the order to prepare to dive again as soon as the Chief of the Boat (who we'll meet shortly) has the SEALs safely inside. The radar operator, Lieutenant Cameron, is picking up plenty of blips nearby, but the captain doesn't seem too worried, pointing out that they're kind of in a heavy traffic area.

"Let me know if anything acts pissy," he instructs, then turns to his navigator, Lieutenant Shepard, and asks her for three good ways out of there. Which they'll need, because Cameron reports that a Pakistani military frigate just turned their way. The good news is that the SEALs are already on board, so they're ready to dive. Which they forthwith do, with all the Tom Clancy-porn that entails. Chaplin leads his XO down the sloping deck, giving Shepard the conn and reassuring his nervous second officer that they're not actually at war. "Just make him realize how incredibly dead he'd be if we were." At least he's leaving her with clear instructions.

Chaplin and Kendal make their way forward to sickbay, where the Chief of the Boat, a Joseph Prosser (played by Robert Patrick with a heaping helping of salt, some of it probably literal) accepts the SEALs' thanks and leaves them to the commanding officers with a warning that their new passengers are "wound tight." The SEALs' leader, Langston, tells Chaplin their wounded fellow needs a hospital, and Chaplin assures him that they're five hours out from where he can be medevac'd to the Eisenhower carrier group, where the sub plans to test some new equipment. Kendal remarks on the SEALs' pursuers and mildly wonders, "Anything we should know?" Langston's only response is to reiterate his thanks for the pickup, which is clearly intended as a polite request for Kendal to fuck off. "You had to ask, didn't you?" Chaplin asks his XO, either as a mild rebuke or a rueful commiseration. After they're gone, Langston asks one of his other guys, whose name is King, "What the hell happened back there?"

A scene transition, apparently, because it's time for the XO's weekly meeting with two female representatives of the crew to make sure there's no offensive behavior going on toward them or any members of their "rack." All three of them think this is rather silly as it is, and the enlisted woman, Cortez, even teases Kendal for using the word "rack" in sensitivity training. Kendal continues his rounds, which includes granting one seaman permission to shoot another in the head (which would be a shame given Brannan's mad beatboxing skillz), and then witnessing two other sailors (one of whom, Stern, is Karofsky from Glee) talking shit about Lieutenant Shepard getting to have the conn in "the closest thing to an actual engagement we'll probably ever see," and attributing it to her being an admiral's kid. Shepard also overhears this, but she just tells Kendal to see the captain when he's done.

Kendal's stop is the conn, where he quietly tells the Chief of the Boat that Lawrence and Stern are "busting Grace's balls." "Wasn't aware of the presence of those, sir," Prosser chuckles toolishly, but promises to take care of it. On to the captain's quarters, where Kendal finds Chaplin looking at a photo of his son Jeffrey, stationed somewhere in the desert. They make some small talk about that, and then Kendal wonders why the Eisenhower group is changing course.

By way of non-answer, Chaplin plays him some conveniently-cued-up video about how more top military brass are resigning while the president is facing an impeachment vote. Five seconds is all it takes to establish the janked-up political situation in D.C. before Chaplin starts getting out glasses and telling Kendal the story of when Reagan fired the air traffic controllers, despite warnings that everyone would think he was crazy. "That's exactly what I want that bastard to think," Reagan supposedly said, indicating Russia. "If there's one absolute truth to being the man with your finger on the button, that's it," Chaplin says, handing Kendal a drink. "They have to think you're crazy. Here's to being five hundred feet under and half a world away from it all." And, I guess, to the permanent crippling of the labor movement in the United States. They both drink to Chaplin's expertly cast jinx, and then Chaplin reaches right into Kendal's shirt pocket -- rather boldly, if you ask me, commanding officer or no -- and pulls out an oddly-composed snapshot of a cute blonde, presumably Mrs. Kendal, and tells Kendal that he recommended him for a job at Naval Command in Virginia. Kendal's about to say something, but Chaplin cuts him off, saying, "Whatever you think you owe me, Sam, you've paid a hundred times over." We're pretty sure of ourselves, aren't we, captain? He advises, "You have a wife. Go home. Take a desk. Start a family." But for now, feel free to chill in your captain's cabin while he leaves you in there alone.

While passing Shepard in the companionway, Chief Prosser says, "Listen, Grace," and tells her the offenders are on a week's latrine duty. "I just hope you understand it's not about you being a woman," he patronizes. She figures she hasn't earned their respect yet. "Well..." he murmurs avuncularly, until she snaps that it's going to be two weeks of latrine duty, plus the COB is going to quit with that "Grace" shit. Sure, Chaplin calls her Grace, but he's the captain. He can call her anything he wants as long as he's not using the word "rack."

Later, on the conn, Chaplin asks Shepard for a position report. Watching the screen, she says they're just now crossing the Equator. And a moment later, "La Bamba" is blasting over the speakers throughout the boat while the conn officers get up and dance. In fact, there seems to be a similar party going on all over the sub, except for first-timer and wallflower Shepard. Crossing the Equator's kind of a big deal, apparently. After Cortez rolls in and pops a pair of Ray-Bans on Chaplin's grinning face, Kendal appears in the companionway and the two senior officers exchange a heartfelt salute across the room. Which just lends even more poignancy to the heartfelt lyrics, "Yo no soy marinero, soy capitán, soy capitán, soy capitán." I am not a sailor, I am the captain. Tears, I'm getting.

The music's still playing when an urgent-looking message pops up on a screen and one of the conn officers hands Chaplin a dot-matrix printout of same. I do appreciate the mix of old and new technology all over the place. Seems appropriate for an operation that runs on tax dollars. Chaplin lifts his shades, takes one look at the page, and hollers, "Battle stations!" Party's over, as Prosser darts to a console and hits an alarm, cutting off Richie Valens as rudely as any plane crash.

Everyone rushes back to their places. And we cut to the ceremony of Shepard formally notifying Chaplin of a coded message from Antarctic command, in the presence of Prosser, Stern, and Kendal. "Antarctica?" Kendal asks. Yes, Sam. You may have heard of it. It's cold there. Kendal opens a safe containing another safe that Chaplin has to open, pulling out Ziplocked documents and keys on strings that he and Kendal hang around their necks. Shepard reads off the authentication code that accompanied the transmission of the order, which matches the sealed, printed red cards stored in the safe. "The order's authenticated," Chaplin barks. "I concur," Kendal says robotically. The five of them head back to the conn, and Shepard and Kendal share some info with each other that they both know and we maybe don't: that the order would only come through the Antarctic network if a first strike took out the main one in Washington D.C. Wow, that sounds bad for D.C.

Up in the conn, Chaplin and Kendal both get on the horn to Weapons and order missiles one through four spun up. The sub comes to launch depth, and a map of Pakistan pops up on a screen with four very unlucky spots highlighted. The topside missile tubes open underwater, and both Chaplin and Kendal insert their keys into separate firing stations, far enough apart that no one person could turn them at the same time. Now that we've seen all the totally reassuring safeguards that are in place to keep one submarine officer from going bugfuck and hitting the Button, we can pause to take in the tension of the moment. Chaplin invites Kendal to say what they're both thinking. Kendal repeats his concerns about the Antarctic network, and asks if they can't just "take a look." After a long pause, Chaplin orders an officer named Cahill to roll out the antenna. I think they might already be in court-martial territory here.

Prosser reminds the captain that they're clear to fire, but soon Cahill is channel-surfing through the usual frivolous crap as though Comcast reaches all the way to the middle of the Indian Ocean. Chaplin decides he wants to talk to National Command, even as Prosser warns him not to break radio silence. "Noted," Chaplin says dismissively. A moment later he's on the line with someone identifying himself as "National Command," whose voice comes crystal-clear through the conn speakers even as Chaplin has to talk to him through the handset. Chaplin calmly requests confirmation of the order through the usual network, only to be stonewalled. Chaplin snaps into the phone, "Listen, whoever the hell you are, I don't have a declaration of war [which few people currently alive in the U.S. have ever seen anyway], and I see no reason for this order to come through a secondary channel, which we all know was designed only to be used in the event that D.C. command was wiped out. But I'm sitting here watching Hannah Montana. So I'm not going to annihilate 4.3 million Pakistanis without hearing directly from someone whose authority I recognize. Get me someone I can talk to. Colorado out." I think maybe the hard part is going to find someone who can talk to Marcus Chaplin. Besides, since when does Hannah Montana make anybody not want to nuke everything?

It's nighttime in Washington D.C., which is clearly not an incendiary nuclear hellscape at all right now, so clearly Chaplin and Kendal have a point. An attractive young couple enters a big apartment as the woman, Kylie Sinclair (played by Autumn Reeser), is rattling off the specs of the Colorado (including a mention of its 18 Trident nuclear missiles) to the dude as some kind of weird foreplay. But, Kylie says, it has the same problem he does: magnetism, in other words a definitive magnetic signature. Luckily for the Colorado, and perhaps America's entire submarine fleet, Kylie has invented a device that covers that up somehow, and the prototype is on board. Must be the new equipment Chaplin referred to earlier. What does this have to do with the sexing they're about to undertake? Well, apparently the dude works for a senator, and isn't at all offended at being used in this way. Which may or may not have something to do with the way Autumn Reeser looks in her underwear. But just before the verbal Clancy-porn turns into regular porn, she gets a text reading, simply, "472 Chaplin." In a panic, she rolls off him, gets dressed, and rushes out. "This is your apartment!" he calls after her plaintively.

It's tense and quiet on the Colorado's conn, until a call comes through from a guy doing an excellent Kevin Spacey impression as he identifies himself as Deputy Secretary of Defense William Curry. Chaplin recognizes Curry's voice, but while he's wondering why he isn't hearing from the actual secretary or even the president (because Chaplin considers himself just that important in the middle of a possible nuclear engagement), Curry cuts in to relieve him of command, "under section 472 of the Naval Code." Curry orders the phone handed to Kendal, and after a significant pause, Chaplin does so. Kendal's promoted to acting captain of the Colorado on the spot, and confirms to Curry that he has the order. He then tells Shepard to take Chaplin's key from him and put it into the firing computer. Chaplin hands it to her without a word, and soon both keys are in the locks, just waiting to be turned. But after some more dramatic staring all around, Kendal repeats Chaplin's request for the order to be resent through the regular channel. Curry tells him to stand by and hangs up.

While they're waiting, the SEALs Langston and King come charging in demanding to know why the conn is refusing orders (as Chaplin quietly yoinks his key back out and holds onto it for now). Kendal and Chaplin point out that this has nothing do with the SEALs, even though it obviously does have something to do with the mission they were just on or they wouldn't be up here getting all owly. And not only do they refuse to leave, they draw their sidearms on Chaplin and Kendal. But the manly posturing is cut short when Cameron reports an incoming cruise missile twenty seconds from impact. There are repeated shouts of "emergency deep!" as the sub crash-dives. The cruise missile hits the water and detonates just under the surface almost directly above them, accelerating the dive but good and sending sparks flying around the pitching conn. Shepard rushes to reboot the control systems while Kendal reports to all hands that there's "water in the boat" and orders some of the forward sections sealed off, like auxiliary engines and sickbay. Except, oops, the wounded SEAL is in the latter area. Don't seal off the SEAL! Kendal heads forward with the Langston and King to take care of it himself while Chaplin orders an "emergency blow." Sounds like something else Kylie Sinclair might know all about. But it's too late -- they're about to hit the bottom, and at long last we go to commercial with the sub half-buried in the silty ocean floor. The end!

Okay, not really. When we come back, Kendal and the two SEALs are fishing the wounded men out of the rising water in sickbay. While Langston and Kendal fight to close the hatch manually, Langston asks about the possibility of an extraction team, but Kendal says they're too deep; they're at 1600 to 1700 feet and the hull's rated for 1300. Right on cue, a section of bulkhead bows inward, groaning. A moment later, a rivet pops, hitting Langston in the head and dropping him like a steer in a slaughterhouse. King recovers from his shock in time to help Kendal finish closing the hatch, as the snapshot of Mrs. Kendal floats by unnoticed among the bobbing pharmaceuticals.

Cut to a magnificent island paradise, presumably somewhere in this neighborhood of the Indian Ocean. Yes, it's actually Oahu, but Andre Braugher isn't really a submarine captain either. This place looks super multi-culti, too; the owner of the open-air tiki bar is a young Asian woman with a Latino bartender, and there's a black guy driving past in a Mercedes, followed by an SUV. Quite an impressive entourage for dirt roads choked with chickens. The island, we'll find out later, is called Sainte Marina, and the guy in the Mercedes is the mayor, Julian Serrat. The mayoral Mercedes pulls up outside a closed gate marked with a sign reading "Property of NATO," even though it was clearly painted by the local high school drama department. The gate must also be staffed by the local high school drama department, because they open right up for the car, and we get a good look at the antenna-bristled building beyond as Julian drives toward it.

Inside the installation, in a room filled with radar screens and terminals, a nerdy dude with a British accent is yelling insistently down the phone about having just picked up a missile signature -- an American Tomahawk, to be exact. He apparently gets blown off, but Sophie, his pretty female boss with an accent I can't begin to place, tells him to keep looking for more evidence, just as Mayor Julian walks in, boasting about his ability to get access to anywhere because everybody wants something. As a demonstration, he presents Sophie with a jar of "Hazeltella" as a gift, making it clear that he expects at some point she'll give him a gift in return. Maybe if he stops looking only at her mouth when he talks to her.

Chaplin's checking out naval charts in his quarters when Kendal comes in and complains about the direness of the situation, asking for Chaplin's help. Chaplin tells Kendal they have a captain: "...You." Pout much? At least Kendal's getting more from his CO than King is from his, who's laid out in a body bag in the torpedo bay.

The boat's screws start churning up the sand at the bottom, and just like that, the Colorado is back to cruising below the surface. Kendal returns to the conn, and after a quick status report, Shepard says people are kind of wondering what happens . Like Kendal knows any more than she does. Rising to the occasion, however, Kendal picks up the mic and says they're up and running again, but they lost twelve people and there'll be time to mourn them later. Taking the cue, King zips up Langston's body bag, presumably to keep him fresh for later mourning. "The officers of this vessel will eventually appear before the proper authorities to explain our actions," Kendal continues. "Until then, let's get somewhere safe so we can all see our families again. Everybody do their job."

As soon as he signs off, Cameron reports that he's figured out who launched the missile: the Illinois. Well, that doesn't sound like a very Pakistani name. "What do you think happens when you ignore orders?" Prosser bitches, and Kendal retorts that they only questioned them. "You don't hit your own people for that." Prosser argues that they need to surface and surrender, but Kendal says all they know is that something is wrong in D.C., so they're leaving. Prosser is disgusted at the idea of running (because surrendering is so much manlier), and Kendal angrily dismisses him to make his rounds. Prosser wants to share an old Navy saying first: "The stupid will be punished." Profound. Kendal dares Prosser to challenge his authority, but the chief reluctantly backs down.

Now that that's been resolved, Chaplin returns to the conn with his naval chart, having already figured out who shot them on his own, although he doesn't bother sharing how. "Helm, come to zero eight three," he says. Well, look who's decided to be captain again. Nobody moves, and Cahill reminds everyone that that Chaplin was relieved. Kendal turns to Prosser to "remove" Cahill, which Prosser does with a small motion of his head. Easy job, Chief of the Boat. "Captain has the conn," Kendal announces, saluting Chaplin, and Shepard backs him up. Just that easy, I guess. So now all the kinks in the chain of command are worked out? Chaplin gives Shepard his chart and tells her to plot a course, saying, "I think I found our oasis. Nice speech," he adds to Kendal. Only I don't know what good plotting a course is going to do when there's nobody to steer the boat.

Speaking of Kendals, the missus is at home on the phone to her mom when she answers to the door to two somber-faced Naval officers with their hats in their hands. Everyone knows what that means, right? Mrs. K. certainly seems to, at least.

In the lobby of some government building in D.C., the news of the Colorado's "sinking" is all over the monitors, although the attack is officially being blamed on a Pakistani warship. An admiral played by Bruce Davison (Senator Kelly from X-Men, so his trustworthiness remains in question) enters the lobby with his entourage, only to be almost immediately intercepted by Kylie, who says he'll want to talk to her about the prototype she had on the Colorado. "We've been attacked, we're at DEFCON 2, and you want to talk about your toy?" the Admiral snarls at her. She insists that her equipment goes on the boat if the admiral wants her to keep quiet about what she knows, but he's not impressed. Nor is she cowed, showing him the "472 Chaplin" text she got five minutes before the missile strike. She knew nobody was going to take a chance with a rogue captain in control of 18 Trident missiles. "So you sank your own boat. You son of a bitch, you sank your daughter's boat." Did I mention that this is the admiral whose kid Lieutenant Shepard is? That's probably relevant. She seems almost as upset about this as he is... which is when she realizes that he didn't know until she just told him. But at least he gets away from her. And considering that so far the two things she's done on this show are blackmail and literal self-pimping to promote her product, he's probably better off that way.

Kendal takes a quiet moment in a companionway to flash back to his emotional farewell with his wife two months ago, and to reach into his pocket to look at her photo again. But of course it's floating somewhere in sickbay. He's still fumbling for it when Shepard finds him, wondering what she's supposed to tell people. He tells her to keep mum, and "show them how to be strong." That should work. Before going, she says, "If you had told me to, I would have turned that key. Thank you for not making me." You're welcome. But the show's not over yet.

At the warning station, Sophie is declaring her Hazeltella "better than sex," prompting her colleague to make a lame joke that telegraphs his crush on her. Which, ironically, in this room full of screens and displays appears to be the one signal that she can't pick up. A report comes on about the Pakistanis supposedly sinking the Colorado, and just as they're confused about why the official channels are pushing this obvious (to them) lie, the screen lights up with radar blips tracking actual, current missiles zooming north from the Indian Ocean to Pakistan. If the Colorado wouldn't do it, someone else would, apparently. The guy gets on the phone and asks, "Are we shooting at Pakistan?" They watch in horror as the blips register impact, and Sophie gasps and cries like one of them landed on her dog.

Meanwhile, the Colorado is also picking up the shock waves, and Cameron is interpreting them with an amazing degree of accuracy. "Okay, the fight's started. It's not too late to get into it," Prosser quietly advises Chaplin. You know, actually, I bet it probably is. But Kendal reports that the assault teams are ready, so Chaplin orders, "Let's grab some sunlight, people." The sub promptly and spectacularly surfaces in the harbor of this selfsame island and sails right in like it owns not only the place, but the dilapidated fishing boat it knocks carelessly aside. This is clearly quite the spectacle for the islanders, and minutes later, Navy motorboats are speeding up to the dock carrying armed sailors who storm the island, clearing the dirt streets with their weapons drawn. The SEALs, meanwhile, must have held on to their own boat somehow, because they end up at the bar, whose owner points out the hospital over thataway. Two of the SEALs take their wounded guy that way while King asks the bar owner for a place to "keep my friend until I can get him home." She doesn't look entirely thrilled to see the body bag slung over King's shoulder, but she lets King stash it in her walk-in cooler and accepts a thousand US dollars from a big SEAL wad, as well as an order for her best Scotch. It's quite the Hemingway moment.

The sailors, with Cortez on point, bust into the monitoring station and take over the control room from the two unarmed civilians. It's not exactly a glorious battle. Cameron takes over the radar console while Kendal follows him in. Sophie protests that the station belongs to NATO. Chaplin picks this moment to make his dramatic entrance and announce, "This station, and that sub parked outside? They all belong to me now." Got a receipt, Marcus?

After the ads, Chaplin's first move is to call his navigator's dad. Who is an Admiral, after all. Chaplin and Admiral Shepard (who is pretty red-eyed) are clearly on a first name basis, and obviously the latter is relieved to hear his daughter's voice. Shepard says she hopes he'll be proud of them and hands the mic back to Chaplin. But Chaplin's barely updated the admiral -- who still thinks it was a Pakistani ship who hit them and that they're at war -- before two uniformed Marines walk into his office and hang up his phone for him in the middle of the conversation. Service is one thing, but there's such a thing as being too proactive.

At the bar, Mayor Julian rolls up to sit across the table from King and his scotch to act all faux-friendly, but with four heavies backing him up. King loosens his sidearm under the table, Han Solo-style. Julian politely asks King about their intentions. "My only intention is to get fall-down drunk," King says. "Although you may have noticed a guy invading the place." Julian asks how long that lasts, and King changes the subject, telling Julian that even if he was the big bad around here until an hour ago, "You're done, friend." Into Julian's stony silence, King clarifies, "When someone where I'm from calls you 'friend,' they don't consider you one." Julian maintains that this is his island, and the submarine's presence comes with terms and conditions. "Is that clear, friend?" Julian learns quick. Must be how he got to be mayor. King's answer is to explain in detail how and in what order he's going to shoot Julian's henchmen, and then Julian himself. "Or, you could leave me in peace to enjoy my drink," he suggests as an alternative. Julian makes a remark about American confidence, and opts for that second one. King may want to amend that plan to get fall-down drunk, though.

Kendal calls his wife, who's sitting at home with the officers and some creepy-ass government spooks. He doesn't have any details for her now, but asks her to believe in him. She seems up for that, but suddenly the line goes dead, as do the lights at the station, while the phone is taken away from Christine by one of the agents. Kendal has Sophie lead him to the generator, where -- oh, no! -- they find one of the crewmen selling them out to someone on the phone, saying Stern and Chief Prosser are with them. Kendal draws on him, but Stern gets the drop on Kendal from behind, and makes him put down his gun. "We're all dead anyway, you just don't know it yet," Stern tells Kendal, who is stepping over to stand between Stern and Sophie. Kendal refuses to kneel, and Stern says, "Sorry Sam. You always put too much faith in the old man." Stern raises his weapon, but the gun that goes off isn't Sterns -- it belongs to Shepard, who drops Stern at the last moment. Prosser rushes in and bends over Stern, demanding of Shepard, "What the hell did you just do?" Shot a mutineer? Not that they're difficult to hit right now. I'm pretty sure you could fire in any direction and the bullet will hit a person who's disobeying someone.

The power comes back on and everyone returns to the control room in time for Cameron to report that there are two B-1 bombers en route and fifteen minutes out. Chaplin orders everyone back to the sub. Is fifteen minutes enough time to get an entire submarine crew from land back onto the boat?

Looks like it is, and with time to spare, because we cut to the fully-staffed conn eight minutes later. Shepard reports that only Brannan and Cortez are unaccounted for. Kendal orders them to prepare to dive, but Chaplin belays that, saying they aren't leaving crew behind. Especially not one with Brannan's beatboxing skills. "And leaving is not going to stop them from bombing this town and all the people in it," Chaplin adds. Would those be the same people you were all pointing guns at a short while ago? Chaplin says it's time to change the game, and orders Weapons to spin up missile one. Just like that, it's ready and the coordinates are set.

Chaplin and Kendal take the keys from around their necks, and Chaplin counts down to the moment when they turn them together. So much for all those fail-safes. Clearly they're not worth dick when the commanding officers already have their keys busted out. The town is just getting back to its normal everyday business when a missile pops up out of the harbor, ignites its afterburners, and launches into the sky. King understates to the ever-quiet bar owner, "Thaaat's not good." Inside the Colorado, Cameron reports that the bombers are four minutes away. Chaplin picks up a phone and tells whoever's on the other end that he's got a missile en route to D.C. "I'm sure you're reading it." It's Curry on the phone again, who tries to call Chaplin's bluff, but the captain isn't bluffing. "If those bombers aren't turned around in two minutes, you have my word: that missile will detonate. Colorado out." We go to ads on a visual of the Trident missile streaking over the earth, in a shot that probably cost more than entire episode of Grey's Anatomy.

Coming back from the ads, Cameron reports that the bombers aren't wavering. Chaplin gives a defeated grimace and gets on the mic to the crew, telling them this is it, and that it's been an honor to serve with all of them. "There's no one else I'd rather be with right now." Kendal stands behind Chaplin, not saying anything but probably thinking something rather different. Cameron reports that their missile is over Indiana, and Chaplin orders Kendal to prepare to destruct the missile. With thirty seconds to go before the bombers arrive, Chaplin tells Kendal, "I guess that desk job will have to wait." "I wasn't built for desks anyway, sir," Kendal says. They're just about to turn their keys to destruct the missile when Cameron yells out that the bombers are turning back. Everyone's so relieved that Chaplin grimaces even harder, but then they all look stunned when Chaplin yanks his key back out. There's more key-pulling in this show than a nomination episode of Big Brother, y'all. Curry says the bombers have turned and it's time to destruct the missile. "Too late. You missed the deadline by ninety seconds," Chaplin says, hanging up. Kendal urgently insists that Chaplin destruct the missile, but Chaplin says, "If they don't think we'll back up our threats, we'll be dead in a week. Along with everyone else in this town." Whereas if you nuke D.C. you can look forward to dying peacefully in your bed?

The missile streaks over the Washington Monument, and then plows into the ocean, turning the usual view of the capitol into the Monument, the Dome, and the mushroom cloud far offshore. The detonation is even visible in the background of a shot of the Statue of Liberty, so that's a big ol' boom. Cameron reports they have a detonation, 200 miles east of Washington. Chaplin says, "At that distance, no one will be hurt. But I'd say we got their attention." Yeah, especially the attention of people in Delaware. But the important thing is that now they won't want to kill you any more, right? By the way, Chaplin, if you just nuked Swallow Falls, the U.S. government is about to be the least of your worries.

Chaplin addresses the camera directly: "I'm Captain Marcus Chaplin of the USS Colorado." The lens he's speaking to is on an old-school video camera set up in a tripod in the station's control room, witnessed by his officers and the station's two visible employees. "A short time ago, my submarine was ordered to fire four nuclear ICBMs into Pakistan. These orders came through a secondary, less secure network." Mrs. Kendal is stuck in a bare interrogation room with a government agent opening Kendal's file in front of her, like she's Keanu Reeves in The Matrix or something. "With millions of lives at stake, I requested that confirmation of the order be sent through the normal and proper channel. In response, an American attack sub, the USS Illinois, fired on us and left our crew for dead at the bottom of the Indian Ocean." Well, when you put it that way.

At the hospital, while she's standing over Stern, Prosser comes up to Shepard and hisses, "You little bitch, Grace." She corrects, "It's you little bitch, Lieutenant." Prosser is surrounded and arrested by his crewmates as Chaplin continues his message. "From our submarine, we have watched as the fabric of trust between the government and its people has been torn. And when this boat dared to question why a nation without the capability to directly harm the homeland was to be destroyed, elements of that government tried to kill the 150 volunteer sailors on my boat." Back with Shepard in the hospital, the wounded SEAL rants feverishly across the ward, "Sir, the intel is wrong! We killed the wrong people!" The other SEAL draws the curtain on him so Grace can't hear any more. That curtain must be thicker than it looks.

Chaplin goes on, "And then these same elements continued on that course. A first strike, unprovoked. We've all borne witness." Kylie Sinclair is returning to her apartment, pulling her rolling suitcase behind her, while Chaplin's message is being broadcast by the news over the captioned question "Nuclear Madman?" Must be Fox News. Actually, I don't believe the government would allow this message to ever be aired at all, let alone live. Kylie's a bit surprised to see Admiral Shepard walking into her apartment. As am I, considering they just met earlier in this episode and it looked like Shepard was getting arrested shortly thereafter. Chaplin: "We have commandeered the NATO early warning station on the island of Sainte Marina. From this facility we can see the movements of all the world's militaries." But he can't see that Julian has had Cortez and Brennan kidnapped, beaten, and stuffed into the back of a van, presumably for his use as hostages. Unless he just really likes sunglasses and beatboxing. "We are in control," Chaplin adds. "I am declaring a two-hundred-mile no-man's land around this island, effective immediately."

At the bar, King weeps at the images of Pakistan burning on the TV behind the counter, even as his new best friend the owner comes around and holds him sympathetically. "That was my fault. I made that happen." I've heard about similar reactions to the credits of Sex and the City 2. "As for myself, and the men and women of the USS Colorado," Chaplin continues, "we love our country. We would gladly die for what it represents. But we do not recognize or obey a government that tries to murder its own. If the current United States executive or any other nation violates this perimeter, we have seventeen more nuclear missiles aboard and we will not hesitate to rain fiery hell down upon you. I give you my word. Test us, and we will all burn together. You've been warned." Okay, then. From behind the camera, Kendal recovers from his shock enough to order cut, and tells Chaplin, "Just crazy enough, sir." Or maybe even a little extra. Kendal looks a little terrified himself right now. Possibly because he's realizing that he just became, pretty much, by just about any standard definition, the second-in-command of a terrorist organization. And we all know the kind of luck those guys have.

Afterwards, Chaplin joins Kendal and Shepard on the station's roof as they lean over the railing, looking over the trees and contemplating their ship at rest in the harbor. Chaplin returns Kendal's photo of his wife, saying the repair crews found it. "She's not easy to lose, is she?" Kendal thanks him, and Chaplin muses, "What happened to the country I grew up in? We made it all a mess. We could do better. Right here. Start from scratch." Sure, go from being a terrorist mastermind to the head of a rogue state, why not? Kendal and Shepard look at Chaplin with some alarm, and Kendal reminds Chaplin that they've only been trying to stay alive long enough to clear their names and get home. "Maybe this is home now," Chaplin says. Which, oddly, doesn't seem to make either of his officers feel any better. But at least, judging by all the antennas and dishes surrounding them on the roof, they'll get great cable.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.