Hey there, comedy fans! Are you ready for some laughs? Chuckles? Chortles? Ha-has? Wonk-wonks? Great! Let's get to the funny.
New host Bill Bellamy, looking svelte, is introduced to an adoring crowd that doesn't seem to mind that he was on MTV about 150 years ago. They are grateful, as am I, that he blazed the trail for Wayne Brady. Before Bellamy can say a word to the audience, he's pulled in for voice-over duty to tell us that for four seasons, thousands of comics have auditioned to be discovered as the funniest person in America. Past contestants too numerous to list make funny faces to adoring crowds who all believe joke-telling has become way too verbal these days. Streamers fall for last season's winner, Josh Blue (who wisely opted not to use the stage name Palsy Pete). Somebody told poor Bellamy that he has to bellow all his voice-overs so loudly that he sounds like Tracy Morgan. Bellamy says we're about to see some funny people, but a woman who makes a joke at her expense about owning cats does not seem to prove his point. One guy makes a Nazi joke. Another makes fun of his own Jerry Seinfeld + Elaine Benes face. Costumes. Monkey head. Seizure-inducing quick-cuts of people you will never, ever pay money to watch. Bellamy says they'll all compete on one international stage (because three would be confusing) for an NBC talent contract. Obligatory NBC (Peacock) Universal Television Studio logo. I don't even know why but I suddenly find myself on the floor bowing. Dudes. I am officially a moneywhore. The winner will also get a Bravo comedy special (suck it, Kathy Griffin) and $250,000! I hope that's real cash money. Bellamy says it's an international search on three continents for one top comic.
Way-too-serious intro music over the opening credits sequence, minus actual credits. Who is the funniest? YOU will decide. You have the power. Don't abuse the privilege. If Sanjaya shows up, you vote him right fuck off! Who will be the Last Comic Standing? If I had to guess, it would be the one with stamina in the legs.
Without a commercial to catch my breath we're at the auditions in New York City. Huddled masses stand outside the Gotham Comedy Club. One guy has a tent and says that this is what it's all about. No, dude. Porn is about pitching a tent. Bill Bellamy talks right at us, wearing a woman's black peacoat and a jaunty red scarf. He asks if we're in New York City. New Yorkers say yes. Bellamy invites us to go check out the comics.
...But we're still outside. I thought we were starting auditions, but instead, Bellamy has to talk to the losers in line. One guy's been there in the cold over thirty hours. A woman says she's been there since 5:30 AM, and Bellamy goes, "Mmm, mmm!" like 5:30 AM is a delicious truffle. One guy has been there since 9 the night before; "Wooooo!" goes Bellamy. I am falling in love with how committed Bellamy is to keeping this gig. A woman sitting on the concrete says that she's been there an hour and a half. Bellamy calls her lazy.
As they arrive, Bellamy drops a bombshell: the talent scouts we all came to love and loathe in equal measures on seasons, Mark and Bob (or Marknbob) have been replaced by former LCS contestant Ant (wearing a totally obvious hairpiece), Kathleen Madigan, and Alonzo Bodden. I'm going to be biased right here. Alonzo is and probably forever will be the best comedian on this show. He's a brilliant comedy writer, a classy guy and, if I may say so in a totally hetero way, he's easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean. I love Alonzo and I will beat you if you don't agree. Alonzo, clean-shaven, says that he was a runner-up on Season 2, a winner on Season 3 (which was a Battle of the Past Contestants) and is now a talent scout on Season 5. He jokes that he might be a host on Season 12. Bellamy's ears are burning. Don't fuck this up for Bellamy! Ant, who has the same hair salesman as Jeremy Piven, says he became an overnight star. Yeah, Ant. "Star." Sure. Whatever. Kathleen, who is a cool lady, doesn't proclaim herself famous and says she's just there to pick good comics. Hear hear. They enter the theater. Let the bloodletting begin!
Danny Morsel from West Roxbury, also wearing a wig and a fake moustache, unzips his manly vest to reveal a puppet. He says that they're combat dancers. Kathleen loves this. Ant realizes that if he were really a star, he wouldn't be here. Danny loses the puppet and instead does warlike dance moves. Ant isn't into performance art. He stops Danny and says that his act is not what they're looking for. Ant is just looking for more hair. Alonzo asks Danny to combat dance on his way out. He does.
Kathleen explains how the show works. Comedians are picked to perform that night and go on to the semi-finals. That's really all the explanation needed.
Lori Chase of New Jersey is a single mom. She makes a joke about rape as an opener, and Ant acts offended. Didn't I hear him on Howard Stern talking about blowing a homeless guy? Kathleen tells Ant to keep his hair on and listen. It's hilarious. Lori makes a crossword-puzzle joke that is almost dirty. Alonzo doesn't get it. Kathleen votes yes. Ant says yes, putting aside his hatred of rape-related humor. Lori's in.
Willy Sacco of New York has a tiny, annoying fucking little trumpet. Bellamy tries to do a Ryan Seacrest and make fun of the dude before he goes in to the audition. Willy does a giggling, crazy, unfunny act that just freaks out the talent scouts. All of his jokes are edited out, leaving just his grunts and giggles. Alonzo laughs. Ant tells him to get the fuck off the stage. Ant confesses that watching someone bomb is painful. Thank you for that insight.
Montage of bad comics. They throw fruit at a guy with a target on his shirt. One guy implies that he's a MySpace pedophile. The judges exchanges concerned looks.
Alonzo says he wants to see originality. Dwayne Kennedy of New York makes one fairly amusing racial joke and gets declared a great comic. He's in.
Michelle Buteau of New York says that comedy is her boyfriend. She's Jamaican and Haitian, and makes Christopher Columbus jokes. Kathleen and Alonzo say yes. Ant says no. Kathleen tells Michelle not to make them look stupid when she comes back to perform. Michelle compliments Kathleen's "blaccent."
Puppet humor outside the theater. I wish they'd all just turn into zombies and eat each other.
Harry Berberian, New York. He has a puppet named Hortense. Neither one's that funny. It's a no.
Joe DeVito, Long Island. Pretty funny work-nerd humor. He's in.
Bellamy patter outside via cell phone. Inside, Jason Scarlatti from New York City. Pink shirt. Pink tie. He says he's gay, and I am shocked. Ant, whose hair is coming alive, laughs loudly. After an unfunny bank robbery bit, it's a no.
Montage of unfunny grunting people. Cricket sound effect. One unlucky guy calls Alonzo "Lorenzo" by accident. Alorenzo is not amused.
Chris White worked at The Washington Post for five years and was in a rut. Dude, I hear you. He's pretty funny, making jokes at the expense of his own red hair and freckles. He's in. Yay, rut-defying former journalists!
Merick Teti of Philly. I just wasted time typing that because dude doesn't even finish his first joke and throws himself out.
Amy Schumer, NYC. A joke about Cats? Really? She's in, somehow.
Jane Condon, Connecticut. After a marriage pun, Alonzo votes no but gets overruled by Ant and Kathleen.
Arj Barker from San Fran. It's unanimous that he's in, but his humor is smarter than it is funny -- at least what we see.
And that's it for the auditions. We go straight to the showcase.
Bellamy finally gets to do some real material. And it's pretty good! Backstage, Matt Kazam of D.C. is excited.
Pete Dominick of NYC wants to count $250,000. He's up first. Decent "I got married and had a kid too young" humor. He named his daughter "Grandma" to avoid the road to stripperdom.
"Black albino" Victor Varnado of NYC jokes about being able to catch a cab.
Dwayne Kennedy jokes about Farrakhan needing Jewish medical help for his cancer. He saves the too-cerebral bit with a cuss word and some play-acting at the end.
After commercials, we get a "Talent Scout Flashback" to when Ant was heftier and didn't have his current boy-band hair. His bit about boxing being two shirtless guys in silk shorts fighting over a belt and a purse is still very funny. ["And still very ripped-off -- which he got accused of at the time. It's very telling that it was still his best material and all they had to show in a clip for him." -- Wing Chun]
More comics. Wali Collins of NYC. Pretty funny, but not super-memorable. Michelle Buteau's set doesn't seem to amuse the talent scouts. Chris White does a bit about women's leg hair that's not as good as his segment. Lori Chase works blue and it's pretty good; nice bit about the GPS lady voice being a whore. Jay Oakerson of Queens makes a Mel Gibson joke and some does an ineffective Jewish names bit. Jane Condon thinks opening for Ant would be "the big leagues." Poor, poor lady. She asks what's up with these crazy kids with their dirty rap music. Good luck at the comedy clubs with that! Costaki Economopoulos (Mexican? German?) of L.A. jokes about the foibles of getting older. Calise Hawkins of Illinois makes cute faces and is pretty funny, even with an "I'm a single mom, people think I'm a ho" joke. Arj Barker is back. He makes a puffy down vest joke that everyone seems to love except me and possibly Alonzo. Joe DeVito is back. He's working the nerd thing again, but he's got fantastic timing and delivery. Matt Kazam does a short, funny bit about a translator. Amy Schumer returns. Abortion joke. Heeeey-oooo!
Jury deliberation time. Moving on to the round: Amy Schumer. All those abortions paid off! Joe DeVito. Yay! Arj Barker. Yeah, whatever. Just be funnier time. Dwayne Kennedy. Check out the big brain on Dwayne! The Capitol One Audience Favorite and winner of $1,000 and a "No-Hassle" pass to the round: Jane Condon? Whaaaa? Geez, mom. I guess you can chaperone the school dance. I suddenly feel like an asshole as Jane is sincerely emotional and grateful to be chosen. One spot left: Lori Chase. She promises to work her ass off. And that does it for New York.
Auditions in Montreal, Canada. I thought all the funny Canadians were in Toronto. Apparently, Canada is the home of hockey, John Candy, Jim Carrey, and mountains. Huh. A mountie passes by as people stand in line in the snow. Kathleen hopes the Canadians blow her away.
Jason Morneau, Montreal. Nose ring, funky pink hair and shaggy under-chin beard. He stops his set to talk about character work and rhythm when he really needed some jokes. He dances. It's a no. Richard Ryder, Toronto. Funny large gay man jokes. He's in. Max Mault, Edmonton. No to the turkey sandwich joke. Perry Perlmutar, Montreal. Non. Olivier Machabert, Montreal. His English isn't great, so they ask him to do his set in French. The scouts act like it kills, but then they tell him no. Mon dieu! Jerry Dee of Toronto, who made it to Hollywood last season, is back. Funny, only slightly racist bit about Arabs. He's in. Angela Maiorando-Thurston, Toronto. Funny voice, but it's a no. Kathleen says she wants more funny women. I could use some right now!
Montage of lady comics. Jennifer Grant of Vancouver. No. Julie Bruce, Toronto. Nope. Katherine Ryan, Toronto. Nuh-uh. Kathleen is getting frustrated. Lauri Elliott, Toronto. Hell to the naw! Bonnie McBride, lady in big furry hat from Montreal. Terrible! Get out! Debra DiGiovanni, shown backstage, is obviously here to save the day and show that women are funny, too. She does the lady-with-a-cat joke, but it's funny in the context of a self-deprecating bit about her desperation for companionship. Give this lady a ticket to the show. They do. Dear God, we're only halfway through this two-hour thing.
DeAnne Smith of Montreal, who looks like Harry Potter but has a good delivery. Only Kathleen likes her, but she gets a chance to do one more joke, about a pirate baby, and Alonzo and Ant come around. She's in. She does a funny thing backstage about adding Kathleen to her MySpace, but not knowing who Alonzo and Ant are. That makes me laugh more than her on-stage stuff.
Gorilla-head guy! Gorilla guy is "Mel Silverback" of Uganda. He does some half-monkey/half-Jew jokes, and they're not half-bad. Alonzo loves him. He's in.
Showcase time. Monkeyhead begs the other comics backstage not to do monkey material and says that there's only one monkey in primetime: Matt LeBlanc. That was an awesome joke. Two years ago. DeAnne Smith is stoked to be there because she's only been doing comedy for two years. First up is Richard Ryder. His jokes are all right, but his energy and delivery are killer. I don't know what he's talking about, but it's funny! Ryan Belleville of L.A. jokes about A.D.D. The material doesn't add up. ["I totally went to see the last Matrix movie with that guy! Poor Ryan. He's cute but he needs better material; he was funnier in that gum add where he froze and his head fell off." -- Wing Chun] Graham Clark of Vancouver does a microwave oven joke. Alan Park of Toronto: baby humorist. Trevor Boris of Toronto does a very funny joke about gay divorce. DeAnne goes up. She seems funny, but her joke about evolution versus creationism is not so much with the funny ha-ha. Gerry Dee is up. Now he's making fun of a developmentally disabled kid from school. Gerry Dee is not Mr. Sensitivity. But comedy's not pretty.
Alonzo gets a "Talent Scout Spotlight." Funny joke about NASCAR.
Showcase showdown at the Kola Note club! Debra DiGiovanni makes more desperation jokes. The audience doesn't seem to respond much. James Cunningham of Toronto wins me over with a bit about the name "Alejandro." Mmm. Alejandro Gallaga...If I ever get a time machine, I'll have to get my parents on board about that name. "Mel Silverback" is...back! More monkey jokes, some at the expense of Dian Fossey. And Tony Shalhoub!
Judgment time. Representing Canada...first up is "Mel Silverback." Monkey shines! Debra DiGiovanni. Huh. Her set wasn't so great, but her audition was good, so maybe they were splitting the difference. Gerry Dee is the last comic chosen. Psst, Gerry...for your set you should pick on the Mexicans! No Capital One audience comic this time.
up: The Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio Texas. Hey, that's only a short drive away! Cortney Nagler from Omaha walks across the tiny stage and I'm reminded of the time we did some sketch comedy there. Did I mention it's a tiny stage? Cortney does a terrible Samuel L. Jackson bit. Dustin Ybarra of Dallas. Alonzo shakes his head, seemingly at Dustin's joke about Croatia being the name of a girl. Susan Dale of Tulsa does not satisfy the talent scouts. Douglas Doneson of New Orleans takes off his shirt, making Ant mad. Sorry, Douglas. I still don't think those helicopters are coming, even if you wave that shirt at them. Patrick Stuart Stanley of Katy, Texas, does a cat thing that looks strange coming from a guy in a bright red suit. No, sir. J.R. Brow of Austin (woot!) doesn't work magic with his bow-legs bit, but he takes a swipe at Ant's material while he's up there. That's how we roll in Austin, bitches. Hey, what happened to "The Buck Star Show" this year? I guess the serial auditioner finally gave up. Ralph Harris of Valley Village, California, makes it in with a good one about denying to your lady that you have any thoughts or fantasies at all. Alonzo is won over. Bob Biggerstaff of Houston wins them over by playing with his glasses. Andi Smith of St. Louis does some white-trash camping material that kills. And not just the jar of Miracle Whip! She's in. Billy D. Washington of Houston says he used to be a cop. He blows it with a dyslexia joke and says he was trying to stand out by being cerebral. He's given another chance. A funny second joke gets him squeezed into the competition. All right, how many other comics were given a second chance after their first joke bombed? Brian W. Wallace of (the all-too real) Bugtussle, Texas. A bad Milk Duds = breastfeeding joke completely turns off Kathleen. He's a goner. Jimmy Cronk of New Brunswick, NJ tells a crass joke that ends in a dirty word. Ant berates the dude for saying a bleeped word on national TV. Lots of other comics get bleeped on this show, so get off it, Ant. We must follow, of course, with a montage of bleepety-bleep comics saying fuckety-fuck-shit words. The scouts are visibly frustrated.
Sabrina Matthews of Burbank comes to save the day. Great bit about using a coloring book to freak people out. She's in. Johnny Elbow of Dallas shows that corporate crack smoking is funny. He gets through.
And just like that, we're into the showcase. I love all the reminders that this is a comedy club inside a mall. San Antonio marks the return of the Capitol One comic. I guess they couldn't convert it into Canadian dollars for the international showcase. Ralph Harris of Valley Village, California does a funny bit about his tough girlfriend, but the Tae Bo reference makes me wonder how long he's been doing this material. Andi Smith returns and is funny about the word "Pheasant." Bob Biggerstaff scores with two jokes, one about IHOP. Sabrina Matthews returns. She's incredibly polished with a bit about her mother's microwave. Nice job. Robert Hawkins of Grand Prairie, Texas, throws out some good one-liners. Roy Wood Jr. of Birmingham is funny. Great inflections in his bit about writing your will.
Kathleen's spotlight. She does a set about southern women that's smart and funny. I really like Kathleen.
Phil Palisoul of Centennial, Colorado. Mr. Self-Deprecation scores by insulting himself. But confidently. Billy D. Washington returns. He's much better here than in the audition. Dean Lewis of McKinney, Texas. Car-repair humor. Surprisingly, it works. Johnny Elbow is back. And he's still good with the wordplay.
And now it's time for the selecting. In a comedy club in a mall. First up: Andi Smith. Girl's got heart! , Sabrina Matthews. Very good choice. The Capitol One Audience Favorite: Ralph Harris. I'm cool with that. Nice job, Ralph. Hey, where'd Bill Bellamy disappear to?
And that's it! week: auditions in L.A. and Australia. See ya then!