We zoom down the Strip during the day, because if we saw all the neon, that might raise the question, "Why are we spending all this time inside a hotel when we could be outside checking out the fake New York skyline, or the fake Parisian cafés, or anything else at all?" Because this show is like a casino, that's why: planned to make you wander around in an achronous daze, bereft of any orienting landmarks that might actually tell you where you are or how you got there, until you forget about actually leaving. Or, in this case, changing the channel.
Anyway, the computer-generated sign for the Montecito comes up, and we see that the casino is hosting an eponymous world-poker championship and featuring the magic of Vanko and Vera. The entertainment cup has runneth over, huh? But boy, does Dreamworks need to shift some money from the show's zippy-camera department to the Photoshop monkeys: that sign looks like something I'd get forwarded in an email message along with pictures of kittens held at gunpoint.
Then, just in case you didn't get to read the sign, we zoom inside the Montecito so we can see some security guard standing to another sign announcing the poker tournament. Well, give these clowns' general incompetence when it comes to keeping an eye out on live humans, I guess it's best to let them practice on inanimate objects.
And on with the poker. Two announcers VO that this is one of the biggest poker events of the year, the stakes are high, the players are skilled, blah blee blah. We see a bunch of people the forum folks say are actual professional poker players, and then we see someone with the kind of poreless skin and symmetrical cheekbones that scream, "ACTOR!" The actor is acting all nervous, and we see a little bead of sweat run off his sideburn, drop, and turn into a prism reflecting the rest of the casino. And this is where someone needs to sit down the special effects department and tell them, "Just because you can do the transition doesn't mean you should do the transition." Also: it seems like copious flop sweat would be one of those tells that poker players would try to avoid. Deranged Hollywood types and socialites already Botox their armpits and feet so they don't sweat all over their fancy-schmancy dresses and shoes; why wouldn't poker players try to Botox their troublesome tell sites?
The magical droplet of all-seeing sweat lets us see all the poker players and the sign -- AGAIN! Because we are all apparently too stupid to put together the outdoor sign + the indoor sign + the voice-over announcers + the people sitting around at a table holding cards + the CARD DEALER and conclude that maybe we're watching a poker game. The sweat finally drops, perhaps as insulted as I, and then Nessa strolls across the floor to deliver one of her three contractually obligated lines of the week with, "Okay, dealers: shuffle your cards, cut them up and put them in the year." Ladies and gentlemen, that was Nessa. It's understandable if you blinked and therefore missed her.
Then we get a super-awkward transition from shuffling cards to Vanko levitating Vera in the air. At least, I hope that's Vera in the air, but a magician's assistant in drag might actually be a nice variation on the ol' babe-in-tights routines. However, we see a damn drop of sweat hammer home the whole "You're watching poker. It's not a fancy game of Go Fish. It's poker! Did I mention it's poker?" point, and then there's no transition between what will clearly be two separate plot lines? It makes no sense. Anyway, Vanko does the usual lame-assed magician business -- "Check out my hands! I'm moving them around because, like house cats, people are easily distracted by shiny moving things!" -- and reminds me that the only two magicians I like at all are named Jonathan, and one of them's made up: Jonathan Creek, of Jonathan Creek, who's more into inventing magic tricks than prancing around performing them, and The Amazing Jonathan at the Flamingo in Las Vegas, who is like the angry, drunken uncle magician, and staples things to his assistant's forehead. Well, Mary and Sam seem to appreciate Vanko. Then again, they appreciated Cosme and his Wayne Newton act until they got bored, or got their memories wiped like Ben Affleck does in his upcoming movie, because we haven't seen the Fresno ex-pat and Montecito employee since.
So Vanko goes to do a trick where, presumably, Vera moves from her little levitating position to the inside of a pyramid, and when he finishes flapping his hands around and goes to open the pyramid, there's no Vera. The audience gasps. Vanko improvs with a whole "I meant to do that" dance, and Sam confirms with Mary that yes, Vera's missing. As Vanko performs a little panic dance, Sam breathes, "Oh, I don't believe this."
Oh, whatever. Elvis would like you to shut up and get busy now.
Once we get back from the commercials (which were so unremarkable as to not merit comment), Mary is dealing with an angry crowd all demanding their money back. Who knew magic-show attendees were such discriminating consumers? She caves and tells them they're all getting a refund. Danny, who is leaning against a wall, helpfully reports that there's no sign of Vera. Mary replies, "Oh, Danny, the fans are freaking out. Especially the ones who buy into the whole 'Vanko and Vera on your honeymoon guarantees happiness' thing." What, like bringing Vanko and Vera on your honeymoon? There you are, trying to get to bed, and Vera's floating over by the sink while Vanko does tai-chi-like poses in the tub. I guess that's why it's just easier to go their show, huh? Danny assures a not-too-calm Mary that they'll find Vera.
Back at the A-plot, the not-really-a-poker-player actor has managed to get out of the game and is stalking a cocktail waitress so he can put his drink on her tray. I do mean that literally. Anyway, as the guy heads out, he runs into Mike. Naturally, Mike knows him. Mike knows everyone in Las Vegas, remember? The guy is one Ben Pierce, and he apparently goes back a long way with Mike. Mike's all, "I never thought I'd run into you in Vegas. Frankly, I never thought I'd run into you outside of the engineering building at M.I.T." "The"? It's the Massachusetts Institute of Technology -- you'd figure they have more than one building devoted to engineering. At the two left-brain universities I attended, the engineers had, like, half the campus buildings while all the humanities departments got shoehorned into one. Anyway, Ben's all, "I didn't know casinos had engineers on staff." Mike shoots back, "Yes -- just in case an eccentric millionaire decides he wants someone to design a semiconductor for him. The IEEE's job outplacement program rocks." Oh, he does not. He says, "Ah. They don't. I'm head valet here. How's the value of your degree looking to you now, huh?" Or maybe he stops after the valet line and carries on about how he's like the wind, baby, and no office is gonna get him. Mike helpfully adds, "I gotta work with people, not machines." This is the kind of self-knowledge that would have maybe come in handy when he was applying to college. Anyway, Mike says the engineering degree does come in handy, and the money is sweet. We find out that Ben has been laid off from a software company because he wasn't enough of a team player. You know, having put in some time as a code monkey in my younger days, and having spent some considerable time around software developers, I can say that the combination of "team player" and "temperamentally inclined to enjoy and excel at spending hours immersed in designing and churning out code" is an elusive one.
Anyway, Ben's here playing and sweating in the world poker championship. Mike sensibly points out, "If you just got axed, isn't it kind of risky to be spending twenty grand in a poker tournament?" Ben replies that "I won my seat online. Actually, before today, I never even played in a live poker game. But I'm not going to elaborate on how different it is to play in a game where opponents can check your body language or anything." Ben asked if Mike still plays poker since he was so good at it back in college, and Mike flatly replies, "I quit. Right after I moved out here." You know, having a gambling addict move to Las Vegas makes about as much sense as having a porn addict rent an apartment near Times Square. ["Actually, that last one does make sense. It's the tchotchke and Disney-character addicts that run into trouble these days." -- Sars] Mike makes his exit after inviting Ben to meet him for dinner at Mystique.
Mary knocks on the door of an office where a seated Danny is on the phone. Danny blows off whomever is on the other end and takes a meeting with Mary and Monty McClure, president of the SASSC -- "It's pronounced 'sassy,'" Monty tells us -- and Loretta Harris, vice president. I'm sure you're all on tenterhooks wondering what "Sassy" is; it's the Society of American Swizzle Stick Collectors, and Monty presumably handles its statesman-like responsibilities while Loretta gets packed off to the funerals of high-ranking international swizzle stick collectors. By the by, Monty is played by Kevin McDonald, who seems to making quite post-Kids in the Hall career for himself playing unself-consciously over-serious types. Anyway, the whole scene more or less: a) mocks collectors of esoterica for losing all sense of perspective, and b) sets up the inevitable "someone stole my swizzle stick!" plotline. Mabell, whom we persuaded to leave her cozy Quantico pied-à-terre to come celebrate Christmas Los Angeles-style, is agog.
MaBell: They're going to devote an episode to stolen swizzle sticks?
Me: Yes.
Mabell: You're kidding.
Me: No.
Mabell: Really?
Me: [nearly sobbing] No.
Mabell: Aren't they reaching a little?
Me: Yes.
Big Ed comes on down to see what's going on with the Vera-less Vanko. Vanko may be cuckolding Vera with cockatoos, if the presence of Olga in his dressing room is any indication. Olga explains een an ocksent that, "Thees are de famuss cockatiels Horse und Carriage. First pair called Luf and Marriage. Marriage died of gout. Love et Marriage's legs." There's a metaphor in there somewhere. Big Ed mumbles, "Nice meeting you, Olga. Birds." Out of curiosity, how much money do you think they're paying James Caan? Do you suppose it's thoughts of his salary that propel him through these scenes? Anyway, Vanko stokes the adultery fires by smacking Olga's caboose as she chugs on by, and then he talks business with Big Ed. Big Ed asks, "I, um, need to ask you something: when Vera disappears, where does she go?" Vanko asks uncomprehendingly, "Go?" Big Ed is all, "Yeah. Go. Like in, go. I mean, besides thin air. Is there any way she could, I don't know, get stuck someplace?" Vanko's all, "No. No, no, no, no. Vanko and Vera never reveal their secrets to the magic." Big Ed snaps, "What is your problem. We need to find your wife." The conversation degenerates from there, with Big Ed eventually pointing out that the Montecito booked Vanko and Vera, and if Vera's not there, they're going to close down the box office. Vanko announces he will perform solo, with Olga "Eve Harrington" the bird lady helping.
Big Ed obliquely threatens Vanko by pointing out that the cops are sure going to be interested to know that Vanko is all excited to be performing solo, and if Vanko will just spill on how the trick works, he can help investigate. Vanko blah blee blahs about how he has nothing to hide because his magic depends on a pure heart, then bids Big Ed to sit, and explains, "In magic, there are five basic categories: appearance, disappearance, transformation, levitation and sawink." Big Ed ask, "Sawink?" We establish that sawink = sawing. Vanko adds, "And, in this trick, there is no sawink involved." Big Ed gets some sort of insight off that, and heads off.
We hear Danny over the phone asking if Big Ed thinks Vanko and Olga worked together, and Big Ed cracks, "There's a lot of guys who wish their wives would disappear." And vice-versa, I'm sure.
Mike is sitting down to dinner when Ben wanders in all dazed. "I busted out, man. I lost everything," he explains. Mike is cordially sympathetic and comments on his rotten luck. Ben snaps, "There shouldn't be any luck about it, Mike. Poker's a game of skill." Mike talks about how tough the competition is, and points out that since Ben won his seat online, he's breaking even. A professional thug comes over and grips Ben's shoulders while flashing a humorless smile and saying, "It was a tough break." Ben obviously lies that it's someone else from the tournament. The thug settles down so he can keep an eye on Ben, and vice-versa, and Ben's all, "Gotta go! Benito the killer bookie is out to get me!" only it comes out, "I don't think I can have dinner here." Mike's not exactly reading the subtext, so he's all, "Dinner's on me!" Ben then flees while Benito the killer bookie looks on and grins evilly.
See, if this show was really into showing Las Vegas instead of depicting the Love Boat in dry-dock, they'd totally embrace the leg-breaker regular who lurks around and menaces chronic gamblers. Between the leg-breaker and the high-strung diva singing about her boy toy, this could be interesting. But nooooooo! We have to have Mary's lame-assed Freak Convention of the Week and the meddling-in-affairs-of-guests angle.
Danny's seated at a video monitor, watching the Vera and Vanko show. Big Ed comes by and asks for the haps, and Danny explains, "Well, video IQ picks her up here, and then I just lose her completely. I ran this footage against every other camera on the property. So far, no matches. So, video IQ uses a combination of her signature and gait, right? There's no way she could have just walked out of here without the video IQ picking her up." Big Ed points out the obvious: "Maybe she didn't walk." Danny wonders if maybe they should call the police; Big Ed responds that Vera's not officially missing until 72 hours have elapsed, and he plans on finding her before then lest the show go dark. You and I both know that if Delinda were missing 72 minutes, Big Ed would be all over this, right? Danny snots, "Touching." Big Ed replies, "Listen, wise guy. I am deeply concerned about her welfare, all right? But now that I'm, ah, president of operations, ah, I'm also deeply concerned about the millions that we stand to lose from the Montecito."
Mike and Nessa are walking out of a casino side entrance so Nessa can get her second contractually-obligated line of the night with, "Good night," when a car screeches by, slows long enough to roll Ben out, and screeches out again. Mike notes the bleeding and all; Nessa runs off to instruct someone to call 911. I guess their cell phones can't be used for such an emergency.
In the scene, Mike's handing over ice packs while Ben emphasizes how very much he does not want to bring the authorities in. Mike's all, "Maybe a doctor is better qualified to staunch all this blood than I am," but Ben wants to avoid hospitals too. Mike finally realizes that maybe Ben's got some extralegal issues. Ben tells him, "In the poker tournament, I didn't exactly win my seat playing online...that guy, the one who nodded to me at the Mystique? His name is Louie Ambrose. He staked me the $20,000 entry fee." Mike sensibly wonders why Louie was compelled to do so. Ben explains, "When I lost my job, I started playing poker online. You know, tournaments. Never finished lower than the top five in any online event that I entered. So Ambrose emails me, says he's been following me, says he'll stake me for the tournament...in return I'd return his twenty Gs, plus fifty percent of the winnings." Mike realizes Ben owes Louie the leg-breaker at least $20,000. He offers to scrape together his savings and pay back the cash. That's pretty damn generous for someone you haven't seen in a while. Ben's rocking back and forth as he accepts the offer.
Cut to Vanko trying to go it alone while Olga flutters uselessly in the background. People boo and clamor for Vera, and while I realize in this day and age that people can be fans of anything, I'm still a little taken aback at the fervidity of the Vera wankers. People storm out of the theatre in disgust.
In the shot, we see the Vanko and Vera star on the door as Olga hollers in Russian. Big Ed comes in just as Olga's about to make her big exit. He asks her what happened, and the weepy Olga is all dismissive until Big Ed begins chatting her up in Russian. She tells him, "That man, the man I love is in love with someone else -- his wife! Of all people!" Then she switches back to English to exclaim in disgust, "Only in Vegas!" Big Ed goes in and, still speaking Russian, asks Vanko how things are. The answer: lousy. Big Ed's all, "So! The Vera wankers hated you and Olga?" Vanko replies, "Mr. Ed, please. You must help me find Vera." Big Ed replies, "You must help me find her, please. And another thing. Never, ever call me 'Mr. Ed.'" Vanko gets morose, Ed pushes to know where Vera disappears to when she does the trick, and Vanko eventually admits that he's not going to tell Big Ed how the trick works because he doesn't know himself. And we get the first hint of discord in the Vanko/Vera partnership; they've grown apart over the years, and Vanko was pushing Vera to sign a new contract with the Montecito when she disappeared.
And now, the swizzle stick plot. Mary wanders around, thinking that this is a pretty wacky way to waste her time, even above and beyond the mass wedding and bickering couples, the Wayne Newton impersonator, or the mad King Arthur. Just then, Monty accosts her because his prized Presidential swizzle, the one George W. reportedly used before going on the wagon, is gone. He implores her, "You have to help me find it before the collection judging begins." Then he collapses. Mary pats his back awkwardly and wonders why she got stuck babysitting these guys.
Big Ed's up in the office when Mike comes on over and too-casually asks, "You ever heard of Louie Ambrose?" Big Ed grabs him by the arm, steers him over to the conference room for some privacy, and asks, "Where did you come up with Louie Ambrose?" Mike protests that he's asking for a friend of his. Big Ed snarls that Ambrose is a lowlife dirtbag loan shark with two warehouses on Industrial Ave., and asks Mike to pass on his contemptuous regards. Mike stammers, "I think he's here for the poker tournament." Ed replies, "Nah, 'cause if he was, somebody would be fired. He's black-booked. I'm telling you, and you tell your friend, stay the hell away from this guy. He's the lowest scum on Earth. You got me?"
Cut to Mike striding through the casino while Nessa delivers Line #3 of the night: "But if Ed told you not to go, why are you doing this?" At least, that's what the line sounds like; Nessa appears to be saying something completely different, or possibly talking through her teeth. The show has a grillion dollars from Dreamworks, and they can't get the dialogue coordinated to the actor's facial expressions? No wonder Pixar is kicking their asses at the box office. Mike explains that he owes Ben from the night before college graduation, when Ben bailed him out of jail for getting "in trouble."
The scene has a little establishing shot where we establish that the Vera wankers are giving Mary a hard time, and then Delinda wanders away from her conversation with Mary to meet her dad for dinner. They establish that yes, the Vera wankers are devoted, and Delinda says, "People count on them to make their marriages successful. I'm going to see Vera and Vanko on my honeymoon." Because visiting hack magicians and relying on superstition is a far more proactive approach to long-term happiness than learning how to deal gracefully with compromising a lot and communicating like grown-ups. Anyway, Big Ed's just overjoyed that Delinda's even thought about marriage and honeymooning: "I just...you know, marriage. I've never heard you talk about that normal kind of stuff." Delinda warns him not to get all yenta on her; he points out that matchmaking is Mrs. Big Ed's department. And then we work around to the obvious: Delinda knows that Big Ed's secret wedding notebook has "Danny DeLine" scribbled all over it, since he not-so-secretly yearns for his protégé to take his wayward daughter in hand. So Big Ed tries some reverse psychology: "I hate the guy." Even Delinda's not so easily fooled as to fall for that one.
The swizzle stick collectors have collided with Elvis impersonators. A Kid in the Hall has collided with Danny. Well, it explains the limp: Josh Duhamel is doing an exaggerated loping walk so we won't notice how he's favoring one leg. Hee! I personally think they should just have him gimp around with no explanation whatsoever. Anyway, Monty advances the paranoid theory that vice-president Loretta absconded with the swizzle stick in a naked power grab, since the sassy simp with the swellest sizzle stash automatically becomes president of the whole shebang. Danny's all, "Whatever. Doesn't that movie I'm in look a lot better than this show? That Topher Grace sure can deliver the lines, and I'm not half-bad as a Hollywood pretty boy." Or maybe I've tuned out and begun recapping my subtextual interpretations instead.
Meanwhile, Mike has completely ignored Big Ed's whole "stay the hell away from this guy" edict and is waltzing right into one of Louie Ambrose's warehouses. He walks over to where Ambrose is working at his desk. Incidentally, Louie's eschewed Successories in favor of religious icons and a cross-stitched sampler on the wall. It's a fascinating, completely unexplained detail. Anyway, here's an abridged version of how this meeting goes down.
Mike: So, Mister Loan Shark, if you could please maybe delay the due date for the loan --
Louie: Shut it. Now.
Mike: But Mister Loan Shark, I'm expecting you to respond like a civil, law-abiding guy!
Louie: Shut it. Now.
Mike: Have you no decency, Mister Loan Shark whom Badass Big Ed told me was the scum of the earth?
Louie: That's it. I'm fining you $20,000 for stupidity.
Okay, I want the power to make people owe me money any time they say something that annoys me. Seriously. Anyway, I like the character, but Mike's kind of a bonehead here. First of all, he's pals with Danny and Big Ed, so he should let one of them be stupid in his place, then have the other swoop in with the patented Deus Ed Machina solution. Second of all, this guy's bad news, Big Ed's all, "Ooh! Scary!" and he's got the hubris to think he can handle the situation? He deserves to get slapped with a bonehead penalty. Third of all -- dude, unless Ben sold a kidney to get you out of jail, there's not a thing wrong with hitting his Amazon wish list or saying it with flowers. There's no need to go messing around with loan sharks, especially since he only made the situation worse.
And now, Mike is busy explaining to Ben how he made the situation worse by trying to help. Mike promises, "Look, I'm going to get you the full $40,000. It's not just you in this -- it's me now." That's awfully sporting of him, considering his big mouth is what got the dollar amount doubled. Anyway, Mike warns Ben not to go over there without the full amount. Ben says he won't, and adds, "I heard about this game over at the Palms tonight, Texas hold-'em. $20,000 buy-in. So far, only pros." Mike, who is massaging his temples because he's got a headache only $40,000 can cure, points out, "You busted out in a tournament full of amateurs. What makes you think you can hold your own with the pros?" Ben reasons, "Pros play rationally by the odds! They have to! In the long run, that's the only way you can win. That's my game, Mike: the numbers game. If I sit down at that table, I can at least double my money." Mike doesn't think so. Ben points out, "You just single-handedly doubled my debt to Ambrose, okay? You say this is on you now? You owe me $20,000, right? And once you give it to me, it's mine to do what I want with it, and I want in that game." Mike realizes that there's no good way out of this, so he simply tells Ben, "There's someone you gotta meet first."
Holy cow, it's Nessa! That's four whole appearances in one episode. I don't know if I can handle the excitement if she talks. So far, she's just wandering around as Mike VOs, "Poker isn't just about odds. It's about people, psychology, basic human emotion. You may have mastered the odds playing the computer; now you gotta master the human side of the game, because computers don't have tells." Ben's all, "Tells?" I'm all, "There are really poker players out there who don't know what these are?" Mike explains as they walk over to a gaming table, "Subtle changes in human behavior that let you know what your opponent's going to do." Mike introduces Ben to Nessa and blah blee blahs that she's an excellent pit boss and a heck of a poker player by dint of spending hours on the day job watching gamblers. Mike claims Nessa can tell who's holding a winning hand just by how they act, Ben doubts her, and Nessa gets to talk in her fourth scene of the night: "Try me. Pick a table." I will once I get past wondering what cosmic phenomenon let us see Nessa above and beyond her usual three lines-per-episode limit. Ben picks a table, we see someone who looks like he just realized he needs to begin looking into Depends as a wardrobe basic, and Nessa explains, "Four-seat just made his hand. You can tell by the freeze. Player gets dealt a monster hand, his breathing inadvertently stops for just a second. Could just have a flush, but I'm guessing a straight flush. Yup, definitely the straight flush. There's the look-away. Player holding the nuts will often glance away from the table -- an unconscious effort to appear nonchalant. Freeze gave me the flush, look-away tells me it's even better." Holy cow! This is the most Nessa's spoken since the Ocean's 1.1 episode. And she keeps going! I may pass out from the novelty of it all. I'm recording every word for posterity, since the powers that be will undoubtedly reduce her to one-line appearances in the four shows to make up for this. Nessa looks at a guy who should be in a commercial telling us how Levitra made him a man again, and says, "The stare-down. Guy's trying to appear confident even though he's holding squat. It's the oldest bluff in the book. So #2's betting big even though he's no threat. Now #4, he'll come over the top. Most people think it's a sign of nervousness, but usually it's just the opposite. The excitement of being dealt a winning hand causes the unconscious release of tension. Never bet into the shake." Ben wonders how Nessa knows all that. Because she spends all day around gamblers? I'm just spit-balling here. Nessa more or less says the same thing.
Back at the Vanko and Vera plotline, Danny's running the video footage of Vera's pre-show routine. Some waiter brought her a martini on a giant, tablecloth-covered room service cart; this gets Big Ed's attention, especially since the night before the disappearance, the waiter delivered Vera's martini on a tray. Big Ed bustles off to find the waiter, leaving Danny to sit in front of the video terminal, whistling casually to keep from blurting, "Injured? I'm not injured! I'm just very stationary this episode!"
Mike's schooling of Ben continues in a cocktail lounge where, as luck would have it, there's an Elvis impersonators' convention taking place. What does that say about a show when the Elvii Summit is considered less plot-worthy than the swizzle twits? This is a test; it is only a test. Mike asks the assorted Elvii questions, and Ben is supposed to determine whether they're lying or not. Ben fails spectacularly. Mike sighs, "Guess we got a lot more work to do."
And now, the dénouement of the swizzle shtick. Loretta is denying she took Shrub's swizzle, and Monty is pursing his lips in censorious disagreement. Danny breaks out the surveillance footage and shows Loretta for the lying thief she is. Monty looks shocked to have his suspicions confirmed. Loretta looks taken aback for a moment, and then reaches into her purse to pull out the swizzle stick. Both Danny and Mary smile discreetly at this; Monty lunges for the tchotchke and compliments Danny on his work while Loretta's shoulders heave with guilty sobs. Monty asks Loretta to surrender her Sassy card, and as she does, it is as if a great burden has been lifted from her: "All those years collecting swizzle sticks. The single-minded focus it demanded. It's like I've been in prison -- a prison where the bars are made from swizzle sticks. But now, I'm free. Oh, thank you!" She plants a full-on kiss on a bemused Danny's mouth while Mary, who has been exchanging eye-rolling grins with Danny, laughs.
Mike tests Ben on yet more tells by having him quiz showgirls on how old they are. To a woman, they say they're twenty-two. To a woman, they're lying.
Big Ed tracks down the waiter who brought Vera her last martini. Within moments, he determines that yes, the waiter broke protocol and brought the martini to Vera on a cart because he was helping Vera escape. Big Ed's all, "How much is she paying you, Billy?" Billy's all, "Pay...ing...me?" Big Ed replies, "Yes, paying you. It better be a lot, because after I get through with you, kid, you'll never work in this town again." Billy's all, "I love her!" This throws Big Ed for a loop.
Off we go to the no-tell motel. Vera comes out of the shower, pleased to see Billy. She is not nearly so pleased to see Big Ed. Ed asks Billy to leave so he and Vera can have a grown-up conversation. Vera explains, "I had to get away -- the show, the life, the marriage." Big Ed replies, "It could have been a little simpler. You could have quit the show, filed for divorce..." Vera counters, "You know those young couples who come to see us on their honeymoons -- the ones who think we're going to bring them good luck in their marriages? Well, I'm tired of being held hostage to the primitive credulity of strangers!" Or maybe she just tells Big Ed that it's a lot of pressure being the talisman for the willfully deluded. And there I go editorializing on superstitions again. Whoops. She explains, "Things haven't been good between me and Vanko for a long time, but if I divorced him, I would be the most hated person in Vegas. A marked traitor, like, um, oh...Demi Moore in that movie about the pilgrims." Big Ed replies, "The Scarlet Letter. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote that." Vera, who never met a book she didn't ignore, replies, "Yeah, yeah. I think it was Robert Duvall." James Caan almost reflexively cringes over this mention of his former Godfather costar, and just goes with Vera's monologue, rawten Noo Joisey accent and all. We find out that poor Billy is just going to be discarded like an empty martini glass. Vera honks into her hand towel that she really does love Vanko and their excessive Las Vegas life, and asks Big Ed to help her think of something.
Ben is cramming for his poker exam now, right as he walks through the door. Mike is telling him he'll be playing against T.J. Cloutier, who's won more poker tournaments than anyone else. Mike adds, "His motto: play the players, not the cards." Mike asks if Ben has any final questions. Ben sure does: "You know these players. You understand both the cards and the psychological side of the game. Why don't you play instead of me?" Mike tells him, "When I moved back to Vegas, I played poker -- a lot. I loved it. The sweet feeling -- catching a winning hand, the power, the rush. It was addictive. At first it was -- anyway, when I was winning. Then I started losing, going on tilt, forgetting the numbers, playing crazy. Chasing that sweetness. And it got to a point where I realized, if I didn't stop then and there, I might never be able to. So I quit playing poker, and I haven't played a hand since." That's about to change, my friend.
Sure enough, Ben sits down, and a few moments later, Louie comes in, talks some smack, then settles into his own paid-for seat. The real professional poker players at the table keep their heads down. Mike looks like he's just realized that all his training has been in vain as Ben sits there and tries not to look like he's about to pass out.
Meanwhile, Vanko is attempting to hold the audience enthralled with simple sleight of hand while some Vera wanker yells out, "We want Vera!" It would seem to me that by this point, you'd have gone into the show knowing Vera wasn't showing up, so staying rather than getting a refund would be a big, stupid waste of your time. Anyway, Big Ed watches the lackluster performance. Within seconds, Vanko opens a pyramid, and Vera pops out. She and Vanko enthusiastically greet each other in the time-honored manner of hacks everywhere, i.e. massaging each other's tonsils. This is where Sam, who's been standing in the audience, walks on over to Big Ed and asks what happened. He asks her why she's not babysitting some whales or poaching a few more. Oh, he does not. But he should. Instead, Big Ed tells Sam he took care of it. She gets an impish look -- the sideways-brushed bangs across the forehead help -- and asks, "You don't know how he makes her disappear, do you?" Big Ed replies, "Well, um, you know, she's laying there, and he first makes her levitate, and then when he takes the, um, I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm sorry. I was sworn to secrecy." You know, this "how does it work?" thing hasn't been funny -- not the first time it was mentioned, not the second time it was mentioned, not now. Sam gives Big Ed a punch in the arm, and they both grin. Awww.
Ben is blowing his poker game by becoming Exhibit A for every tell Mike instructed him to watch out for. And then he runs out of the room with a case of the dry heaves. Mike has no choice but to sit down and say, "Deal me in," while Louie looks all foreboding from the other end of the table. Just then, we get the Deus Ed Machina. He sidles in and sits behind Mike just as Louie slides his chips across the table and goes all-in, so Mike begins lipping off, "Representing Big Slick, hey, Ambrose? You got ace-king? Hmm. Let's see. You limped in pre-flop, which means you're either slow-playing a monster, or you're just bluffing. Hard. I don't think you got it." "You don't think so?" Louie rasps. Mike smiles slightly and replies, "That's a stone-cold bluff if I ever saw one." The guy to him pipes up, "Hey, mouthy, I came here to play cards, not he-said, she-said. Shut your trap and make your bid." Or maybe I just wish he did. Mike calls the bluff -- Louie has a 2 and a 7, while Mike has the king of hearts and the queen of spades. Louie goes to recoup some of the lost chips with, "Forty grand of that is mine. Let's have it." Big Ed corrects his memory and tells him it's actually $20,000. Louie points out, "This is a private matter. Nothing to do with the Montecito." He may have a point. Big Ed pulls a Louie and penalizes him for talking. Big Ed then makes the threat, "If I ever catch you around one of my people, I'm gonna come after you, and I swear to God, you're going to wish I had a sledgehammer." Why? Did they cut the scene where Big Slick and sledgehammers were introduced, because this is making a lot less sense than it should. Anyway, I look forward to seeing the lecture Big Ed gives Mike after they skedaddle, since Mike more or less got himself into this mess by ignoring Big Ed's recommendation to stay away from Louie.
And now, Mike and Ben part ways in the Montecito casino lobby, all debts settled. Mike also gives Ben a fat cash envelope, so the guy who is a) unemployed, and b) showing that he's got a severe gambling problem in the making can get that helpful push down the spiraling slide to credit-wrecking compulsive wagering. As soon as Ben leaves, Big Ed comes on up, and they have a little conversation about how Mike probably enjoyed that little relapse more than he should have. So this way, when Mike develops a raging gambling problem during February sweeps, it'll make sense from a continuity perspective.
You'd think that would be the end of the episode, but you'd be wrong. Big Ed comes back in the office to razz the seated Danny about cracking the swizzle-stick case, then says, "Let's go get pancakes." Mmmm...pancakes. Danny's all, "The topless place?" Because going there with the father of the girl you used to date, who also happens to be your boss, is not at all awkward. Big Ed's all, "Yeah. I gotta take this," and asks Danny to move his car around por favor before their nocturnal pancake jaunt.
Danny goes down and does it, and as he exits the car, he's promptly shot in the leg by the same dim hired gun who apparently confused "Rebecca Gayheart and her big curly hair in a hat" with "Luke Perry and his receding hairline." Danny's understandably yowling in pain. We get Deus Ed Machina #2 with Big Ed appearing out of nowhere to beat the crap out Louie until Danny yells for him to stop, since it's looking like Big Ed's going to beat him to death. These two go through that drill a lot, with Big Ed getting all kill-happy while Danny screams for him to knock it off. Big Ed calms down as he hears Danny on the phone saying calmly, "Yeah, I need some officers down at the Montecito dock. There's been a shooting. [pause] No, I'm the victim!" You know, with that delivery, he sounded an awful lot like Ben (sigh) Browder. And here you all were thinking, fifty-four minutes into the episode, that you were going to get out of this recap without one mention of that man.
After a pointless shot of the Strip at night merging into a pointless shot of the Strip during the day, we see Danny in a hospital bed. Big Ed comes in to see him and asks, "So you do, ah, know that when I took over operations, I dealt with rising insurance premiums by upping your deductible to $1000 and switching insurance carriers, so you're on the Gettysburg health plan. That means you'll be, um, biting down on this hickory stick while the surgeons dig the bullet out of your leg without anesthesia." Oh, he does not. Instead, he's all, "So how's it feel to be me?" Heh. We find out Danny will be in a cast for the few months, which works out well since Josh Duhamel will be limping for about that long too, and it's all good. Big Ed tells him half-seriously, "I was thinking, instead of it being one guy, why don't we tell everyone you took a bullet protecting me from eight or nine guys with crowbars." Aww, male bonding. And then, because it's an episode of Las Vegas, it ends with everyone throwing an impromptu party in the room. Everyone clowns around, and Danny grins like getting shot in the leg is almost as much fun as standing around at a mass wedding, a wake, or a Wayne Newton impersonator concert.