I should be so blessed as to be dealt a couple of aces that I can split, as some dude in the Montecito does here, exhorting the dealer to "show [him] something good!" The dealer does, dropping a face card down on the first ace, much to the delight of the gambler and the assorted hangers-on. "Yeah!" yells the guy, pumping his fists in the air. "Yeah!" he yells again. "Yeah!" he yells over and over as the camera sweeps by, even after the dealer plops down a three on his other ace.
In the master security control room, James Caan strolls out of his office to address the crew. "Friends, Romans, surveillance guys," he begins, perhaps longing for a higher class of acting than he'll find on a marginal NBC show about a casino. He announces he's taking a vacation. "You're kidding," says Danny, swiveling around in his chair. No, he's not kidding. Nor is James Caan Sonny Corleone any longer. He looks so different from Sonny that he may as well be a completely different actor. Fine with me. This way, we can all forget about Mickey Blue Eyes. "The last decent tan I had was Mogadishu," he says, which is a little like saying, "The last decent tan I had was Tikrit," for all its value as some sort of vacation paradise. Ed explains that Jillian made them reservations in Hawaii, and he's leaving tomorrow. Or, as Ed would say, "Tomorrah." Naturally, he wonders if Danny can handle things -- and just at that moment, a drunken woman at the Ace Splitter's table is leaning a little too far into the action, far enough that if she gets blackjack, the dealer's going to have to cough up three breasts. Danny gets on the cell phone to tell someone to keep her from toppling off her stool. "And?" prompts Ed. And Danny adds for the security dude to check her for a MedicAlert bracelet, since she may be off her meds. Yeah. Because bottle-blonde casino floozies always make sure to accessorize with their MedicAlert bracelets. Danny tells Ed not to worry, since keeping the bimbos upright isn't exactly "brain surgery," so Ed should go have a good time. "Hey, what about that armored truck delivery?" says Exposition Ed. Danny needlessly reminds Ed that it's a shipment of watches and diamonds for the new jewelry store, and that they're coming in through the loading dock to "minimize exposure." Uh, wouldn't they automatically be coming in through the loading dock? Ed's all set to go, but there's one last crisis for Danny to handle smoothly. With one dude distracting a slot jockey, another dude swipes her coins. Danny tells his crew to move in. Although he strangely only tells them to grab the guy in the striped shirt, his crew manages to snag both con artists. Danny swivels back to beam at Ed, all proud of himself. "We've been watching them since they came into the casino." Ed grins and claps his hands and takes about half an hour to actually leave. Opening credits. And…my god. I've been less than upset at the eye candy I get to watch on Miss Match, but this is like a collection of all-stars. Admittedly, the inclusion of Marcil and Sims isn't filling me with anticipation of incredible performances, though, other than the heroic work of the supportive undergarments.
Commercials. Isn't it great when you know that "one hour of Friends!" actually means, "Yes, Coupling sucked. But now it's gone!"?
Back at the Montecito, Danny's enjoying the perks of a boss on vacation. To wit: he's sitting at the boss's desk, feet up on the desktop. Sam and Nessa slink in to wonder if Danny should really have his feet up on Big Ed's desk. Danny cockily introduces himself as "Big Danny," which is not a nickname any ex-girlfriend has felt obliged to saddle me with. Sam and Nessa both giggle accordingly, though. They're not just here to drape themselves all over Big Ed's desk; they're here to advance the plot. And here it is. A couple of "whales" from Chicago named "Mr. and Mrs. James Warner" are on their way in, fresh from having dropped $1.3 million in Sun City and $1.5 million in Monte Carlo. Danny calls them "serious players," but wants to know why they're gambling in Monaco and South Africa. Considering the amount of coin they've dropped, I think the no-duh answer to that is, "Because they can, idiot." If I could drop seven figures in a casino, I doubt I'd be doing it down at the local Golden Nugget. Sam gives some blah-blah about James Warner being an "ex-pat" coming home and he's relocating his corporate headquarters back in the States, which seems to satisfy Danny somehow. Sam says they're very low-key, and fly under the radar. Nessa says that's good advice for Danny as well. "My only concern is keeping the Montecito and her employees safe. Tell me there's something wrong with that," says Danny. "Tell me you didn't just call the casino a 'her,'" says a distressed Sam, who just moments ago was sniffing one of Big Ed's cigars. Nessa tells Ed's employee of five years just how seriously Ed takes the casino, and Danny assures her that he takes it just as seriously, and Ed has finally decided to leave Danny in charge. So Nessa and Sam decide to pretend just how sexy Danny's newfound authority makes him, with Sam cooing and Nessa running her hand up Danny's leg. Since being sexually harassed by beautiful co-workers doesn't appeal to Danny, he tells them it's time for the "big dog" to walk the floor. "'Big dog'?" says Nessa. "That's not what I heard," says Sam, and they both collapse in laughter again. Hee. Danny's cell phone rings. It's Big Ed, asking him to make sure that the security VCR heads are recalibrated, because if they're misaligned… "We get fuzzy playback, I know," says Danny. Sam and Nessa start laughing again when they figure out that it's Ed checking up on the "big dog," and skip merrily off down the stairs. "Take care of my casino, Danny," says Ed, a trace of the Sonny Corleone creeping into his voice. Danny promises to do just that, and makes a run for it when Ed asks if Danny's in his office.
Outside, Mike's welcoming a lone gambler out of a cab. The gambler's wearing a semi-loud print shirt. It's not that bad. But it does signify the gambler doesn't have a girlfriend. I don't mean that he's gay. I mean that I've been threatened with physical violence by my girlfriend for wearing far less ugly shirts than this. After bumping his head getting out of the cab, the gambler steps in some gum, which we see with what I'll call gum-cam, making it painfully obvious to everyone that this stupid gum is extremely significant. Between bumping his head and stepping in the gum, the gambler calls this the "worst streak of his life," which to me sounds like he's quite a lucky man, then. He claims it's been three days like this. Three days of bumping his head and stepping in gum? He also drops his money clip, which Mike retrieves for him, and Mike then quotes a little Don Quixote his way: "Fortune always leaves some door open to come at a remedy." As if the guy's streak of bad luck isn't enough, he's forced to listen to a smug valet quoting Cervantes at him. Gumshoe stomps off into the casino.
Sam is placating some degenerate gamblers who are complaining because they insisted there be no redheaded dealers on the floor. Sam soothes the loudest one by placing his hand on her chest, while the other one stares. I sense a much more effective marketing campaign. Instead of "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," they should try, "Got a problem? Have some tit!" She gives the guys a bit of a glare as they happily walk away, and then she's stopped by "Jim and Janet Warner from Chicago," looking for the front desk. Sam's all, you're early! And then she rolls out the red carpet for them, with dudes coming for their luggage (Jim insists on hanging onto his shoulder bag) and plying them with champagne. The Warners seem rather incredulous, as does anyone watching and wondering just how obvious a plot could possibly be.
Nessa's working the pits as Gumshoe strolls around looking for some action. Landing at a blackjack table, he kisses a hundred-dollar bill and lays it on the table. He gets blackjack, and lets out a whoop. Understandable. Nessa's already giving him the cool pit-boss glare, though, which only intensifies as Gumshoe gets an incredibly unlikely two more blackjacks in a row (having let his wager ride each time, too). "Nice little run," says Nessa, in a tone of voice that suggests, "Nice little scam." Gumshoe suddenly gets thoughtful, and repeats Mike's little Cervantes quote.
Behind Gumshoe, Danny's strolling around. His eagle eye catches a not-at-all-conspicuous group gathered around the slot machine, including a couple of people obviously crouching. Danny gives a quick call to the eye in the sky, which can't get a clear view. Fortunately, Nikki Cox is coming around the corner in a feeble attempt to justify her spot in the opening credits, and since Danny doesn't want to attract the attention of the slots group, he figures the best thing to do is KNOCK ALL OF NIKKI'S FOLDERS OUT OF HER HAND. He manages to keep her from freaking long enough to explain that the gang is using a monkey's paw, which is a rod you stick up the machine to make it payout, and it also grants you wishes, but the consequences of those wishes turn out to be dire indeed. Danny tells the security crew to move in, but the gang splits up -- and we see now that there are four guys wearing identical yellow jumpsuits. Every single one of them eludes Danny's grasp, and instead of CHASING THEM, he calls the control room to find out which one had the money, like, maybe you could find that out if you were PURSUING THE THIEVES, and the control room tells him that they're at the west entrance, which was certainly quick, and by the time Danny gets there, the gang has already put on their motorcycle helmets and they're popping wheelies as the ride away. As Danny couldn't catch one of them on foot, I suspect he's not going to have any more luck catching them on bikes.
His cell phone rings. "Yeah, I just lost 'em," he says, and is somewhat startled when Big Ed himself says, "Who?" So Danny makes up a story about the day shift taking off. Danny assures Ed that everything's going okay, even with Danny being winded after chasing the day staff out to the parking lot and everything. "'Cause I know you'd call me if everything wasn't okay, right?" and Danny's all "yep" and "I gotta go."
Elsewhere, Sam is showing the Definitely The Right Warners to their incredible suite, which a shocked Jim and Janet admit is not what they were expecting. Not in a bad way, as Sam initially thinks, but in a good way. And Sam introduces Hans Karl and Richard. Not one, but two personal butlers. Available twenty-four hours a day. Oh, and there's also, of course, your personal spa, masseuse, and personal trainer. And our affiliated brothel has left a catalog on the table. Mention Sam's name and get double stamps on your Frequent Hummer card. After giving them the quick tour of the rest of the place, Sam whips her business card out of her thigh-high boot and gives them her personal cell phone number, since she's also available twenty-four hours a day, a line that must have reminded her an awful lot of her audition. But Janet wouldn't want to disturb Sam at night, as that would be "rude." They decline her offer of a line of credit, with Jim telling her that they have cash, indicating his shoulder bag. And Jim thanks her for everything, and Sam seems genuinely touched by their gratitude. Which is understandable, since she didn't even have to let the Warners feel her up or anything.
In the control room, Danny's pondering the heist with some other security guy, who says it's been a long time since he's seen anyone using a monkey's paw. And the matching jumpsuits scenario isn't ringing any bells either. I'm just guessing, but could be that most con artists know better than to wear matching, easily identifiable uniforms. "Those guys were pros, man, but they only took us for three hundred bucks. It doesn't make any sense." No time to worry about that, as someone buzzes Danny to let him know that a software glitch is deactivating the room cardkeys, locking people out of their rooms. How many rooms, Danny wants to know. Four hundred, is the answer, and a surprised Danny swivels to look at a bank of security televisions, all with people wandering the hallways.
Danny disperses his team of dingbats who need to be told not to let anyone into their rooms without ID, and tells the security staff to hand out buffet comps if anyone complains. What with Vegas buffets being so notoriously expensive, that's quite the deal! Danny himself gets to help the cute li'l thing wrapped only in a towel and carrying an ice bucket. "Maybe you could, um, help me?" she says, and she FLASHES him, like what is THAT about, and Danny takes a quick break from getting his soul set on fire to answer his ringing cell phone. It's Ed, who angrily says he called the surveillance room but Danny wasn't there. Danny takes a moment to pawn off the Moist Towelette to another security dude, telling him to give her a buffet comp. "Is it all you can eat?" asks the Moist Towelette, making her parents so proud.
Danny downplays the extent of the current crisis to Ed, saying that a "few people" were locked out of their rooms, and then he says, "It's handled," and just HANGS UP ON HIS BOSS. And Sam accosts him to tell him she needs at least five of his best guys, since the Warners are toting around a suitcase that, if past spending patterns are to be believed, contains more than a million dollars. Danny promises he's on it. Sam wants to know what's going on, and Danny tells her it's a crazy software glitch. Sam gets smug. "How come there's never a crazy software glitch when Big Ed's around?" she says, and tootles off, leaving an annoyed Danny to get a little bulb going off above over his head.
In the surveillance room, he checks the surveillance tapes (while mimicking Sam: "How come there's never a crazy software glitch when Ed's around?"). He finds the tape he's looking for -- "software glitch, my ass" -- and pops it in. He sees Ed in the room, futzing around in there at three in the morning. He's putting a disc in one of the computers, so Danny zooms in to see that Ed is pulling a fast one on Danny, and that Ed actually went to the trouble of printing off a label for this disc that says CARDKEY RANDOMIZER, as if. "You sneaky [something] son of a bitch! This is a test!" he says. On a nearby computer, he calls up the weather in Hawaii. "I'll bet he never left town," he says, although I think anyone who hasn't figured out what's going on must lack the required number of synapses to comprehend network television in the first place. Danny dials Ed's cell phone. "Just checking in before I go home. How's the weather? It's not raining, is it?" Ed, in a motel room, checks his computer -- which is displaying the exact same Hawaii weather Web page that Danny was just looking at. It must have been top of the Google list. And you'd think that if Ed's smart enough to keep an eye on the weather in Hawaii, he'd also be smart enough not to sound like he's reading a weather report, as he reports to Danny that it's "83 degrees with a slight breeze." Danny just called to thank him, or so says Danny. "What for?" says Ed. "You know, believing in me, having faith." They say good night, and we look out Ed's motel room, revealing that he is in fact still in Vegas. Commercials.
Speaking of actors who look a lot different than I remember them, I seem to remember having a slight crush on Mrs. Partridge. But I'm over it now.
Hey, what's Mike doing, unloading some bags at a pink motel? I guess we'll just have to STAY TUNED, as we go back to the Montecito, where Sam is wandering around, looking for the Warners. Nessa sidles up to tell her that the Warners haven't gambled at all; they just walked around a couple of times, then went back to their villa. "Lovely people, they are," says Nessa, but it's Sam's opinion that either Jim Warner is the nicest multimillionaire she's ever met, or he's screwing with her. Nessa suggests that maybe Jim's one of those rich dudes who's never forgotten his roots, a "Warren Buffett" type. Quite helpful. Even more helpful is the story she tells to encourage Sam to find the Warners' itch. And since Nessa's British, the story has to involve Big Ben, and it just boils down to Sam finding out what will make the Warners want to gamble, so Nessa's advice, really, is, "The way to make the Warners want to gamble is to figure out what will make them want to gamble." Thanks so much for all your help, Nessa.
Mike's helping Ed set up a little remote surveillance unit in the crappy little motel, and also bringing him wine and truffles. And if there's some reason why Ed can't administer his little Danny test from home, I don't know what it is, especially when Ed gets mad when Mike cracks wise about springing for the "presidential suite." Ed wants to know how Danny handled the keycard kerfuffle. "Like a champ, from what I hear," says Mike. In walks Mrs. Big Ed, who informs Mike that Ed has lost his mind. Mike wonders why they couldn't do this at a nice hotel, and Jillian sarcastically explains that one of Ed's many connections would spot him in a second. Again, how about the comforts of home? And since this obviously isn't actually a vacation, why did Jillian come along? And where did Mike get all these brand-new computers and monitors from -- breach of security at the Montecito? You know, plots can be funny and make sense; the two aren't mutually exclusive. Ed's explaining to Jillian that with the linkups Ed can watch what Danny's watching "in real time," and surprisingly Jillian isn't absolutely enthralled by this. Mike's having second thoughts, since he's Danny's best friend and all, and how nice to have second thoughts after he's set everything up for Ed there in the motel room. Meanwhile, Jillian's making herself busy placing a towel (which she sprays with something) over the presumably nasty bedspread so she can lie on it and read.
Back at the Montecito, Sam, Nessa, Mary, and Delinda sit around a table, giggling over Danny sitting at Big Ed's desk like he's the king of the casino. And perhaps Danny wouldn't have such an inflated opinion of himself if the women didn't spend seemingly all their time talking about him. And Nessa and Sam point out that Delinda and Mary are in the "Danny McCoy club" and Mary seems a little embarrassed, but Delinda busts out a "membership has its privileges, ladies," much to everyone's amusement. They decide it's time to make the acting chief of security a little less secure, and Delinda says she knows just how to do it. Mary hesitates briefly before saying she's in. They all clink their Manhattan glasses as they pretend like they're really going to mess with him, when you just know it's going to involve sex. I suppose once they're finished screwing with him and talking about him and gossiping about him, they can go back to making fun of his ego.
Mike's returning from selling out his best friend when Gumshoe hops out of the casino, wearing another loud-yet-muted print shirt, yelling for "Lucky Mike," and for a valet who supposedly knows everything and everyone, it takes Mike a little while to remember Gumshoe from yesterday. Gumshoe starts praising Mike for the run of luck that's been on, a complete 180 from the day before (and thank god he didn't say "a complete 360"), and Gumshoe (whose name, we learn, is "Frank") credits Mike because Mike touched Frank's money clip and said his "mumbo-jumbo" (that would be the Cervantes). Frank's worried his luck is going to go south if Mike isn't with him 24/7; Mike laughs and thanks him, but points out he's not a lucky charm for hire. On a related note, the Irish rap group I was in when I was in college was called the Lucky Charms, and we were for hire. It's just that no one would hire us. Rolling through Hali with our trusty shillelaghs, we don't carry Uzis, we carry ukuleles. Hey? Not bad, eh? Shut up. Anyway, Frank drops five $500 chips in Mike's palm, and asks what it'll take. For a Vegas valet, Mike sure looks shocked at a measly $2,500 being tossed around. Still, I'd take it.
Some dingy bookie bar, where Big Ed sneaks up on some guy yelling at a football game on television and bumping into someone else at the bar, who tells the "old-timer" to take it easy. Ed's opinion is that, despite this dude's encouragement, the safety's probably going to catch the running back. "Steady Eddie Deline," says the guy, without turning around. When he does turn around, he warmly shakes Eddie's hand, who introduces us all to "Charlie [something]," and asks if he's loaded up on the football game he's watching. "You kidding me? That's a ten-dollar parlay!" says Charlie. Heh. No time for small talk, though; Eddie wants to know if Charlie can run "Omaha 19" for him. "With or without the body count?" asks Charlie. Ed pretends to think about it, then says without it. "Too bad," says Charlie, noting that it's a lot more fun with the body count. Because Ice-T throws such a party. Ed wants to know how quickly Charlie can get a crew together, and Charlie asks if this afternoon is okay. It is, says Ed, and they hug, with Ed coming up with a wallet that Charlie just lifted off the other guy at the bar. Ed makes him promise to give it back, but as soon as Ed leaves, Charlie puts it back in his jacket. Yeah, Charlie's just the sort of fellow a security head likes to see in his casino.
Ed walks out of the bar just in time to see his red Hummer being hauled away on a flatbed truck. If we learn nothing else from this scene (and we won't), let's learn that yelling that the driver of the towing vehicle is a moron will do nothing to return your Hummer to you. Ed's cell phone rings. It's Danny, wondering how things are going, and a discombobulated Ed rambling about the "crazy Hawaiians" with their "leis and whatnot" and how they have a tendency to get a little familiar, like, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ED, and Danny drops a hint about the Hawaiians "driving" Ed crazy, and then quickly hangs up.
While Mike hangs off of Frank, who apparently is still winning big, Sam does her best to wheedle Jim and Janet No-Gamble into dropping some of their money. Keeping in mind Nessa's dumb story about finding the Warners' itch, Sam throws out suggestions like a private gaming room, a tour of Steve Wynn's art collection, a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon, a shopping trip, none of which seems to get the Warners too jazzed up. "We're fine, Sam, thanks! We're good!" Undaunted, Sam offers "front-row for Celine, backstage with Tom Jones?" and the Warners decline, not because that sounds like the headlining act in Hell, but because Sam's done enough already. Sam actually sounds like she's offering sexual favours when she says she'll do anything they want her too. And with Janet making little "ask her, Jim" head-nodding motions, Jim says that there is one thing.
Meanwhile, back at Ed's mobile motel command unit, we see he's got an audio system hooked up, and he says into a microphone, "Commence Operation Desert Swarm." Omaha 19 consists, in this theatre anyway, of old men riding through the casino on motorized wheelchairs. I'm going to assume the tactics were somewhat different in the Second World War, unless the war was won by old people spinning in circles on the edge of the Grand Canyon and negotiating dangerously slick sidewalks on their own. Anyway, the Senior Sopranos fan out through the casino wreaking havoc -- opening fire doors, triggering fire alarms. Even more irritating, someone is playing "Ballroom Blitz" REALLY LOUDLY. In the surveillance room, Danny's all, "Dammit, Ed!" and tells the other guy whose name I still don't know to get a team together and meet Danny on the floor. And while nearly all of this is funny -- Vaseline on card tables? Whoopee cushions on chairs? Cantankerous old men somehow stuck in the prize car by the slot machines? -- I'm not buying it as something Ed would actually do, what with the Montecito being his baby and everything. I mean, having the crew dump extra roulette balls on the wheel? Grabbing waitresses? Putting fake turds by players' chips? Nuh-uh. It's not happening. Ed gleefully watches the action unfolding on the screen, with Jillian getting bored. Why is she there again? She seems to be wondering the same thing, and suggests to Ed that they "christen" the "presidential suite," but Ed is plenty fine getting off on turning his own casino upside-down. "I love the smell of Metamucil in the morning! It's the smell of victory," like, please don't drag Tom Hagen into your little prank war, Sonny. You know he's not a wartime consigliere. If he were, you wouldn't be in this shape. Commercials.
In hell, opening for Celine and Tom Jones, a million dancing Shatners in white.
Nessa, observant pit boss that she is, apparently only just now notices Mike hanging out while Frank takes the Montecito for a whole whack of cash. She wants to know what he's doing there, that is to say, wot 'e's doing 'ere. "I'm his talisman," says Mike, which Nessa helpfully dumbs down to "rabbit's foot." And Mike's got some more poetry for Frank: "Got a hunch; bet a bunch." Frank obliges. "Well, you know wot they say: never kick anything inanimate, never fry bacon in the nude," and she turns to Frank now, "and never, ever mess with a man on a streak. Play on, player," she says, and gives him a wink. I'm sure they also say, "Never deliver your lines so flat and monotone that it sounds like you've been ethered," but Nessa doesn't appear to have taken that advice to heart.
Danny, getting cocky again, is helping himself to one of Big Ed's cigars in Big Ed's office, and putting his feet up on Big Ed's desk again. He's thumbing through some file when Delinda walks in (as the camera pans from the picture of Delinda on Daddy's desk to the real Delinda). Danny's surprised to see her. I'm surprised he didn't hear her leather pants squeaking all the way up the stairs. He fumbles for an explanation, while she says she won't tell if he "cooperate[s]," although wasn't he in Big Ed's office before and it wasn't quite so scandalous? Anyway, she slides her leather-clad butt all over her dad's desk while grabbing at Danny's tie, and Danny feels that the fact it is his boss's, not to mention Delinda's dad's, office is kind of pertinent, but she calls it a "turn-on," and then starts listing the places they've already done it, including her kitchen counter and his "bathroom sink," like, just how big a bathroom sink does he have? "Tonight, I think I want to try my father's desk," she says. Danny's misgivings lose out to the fact that Delinda is pretty frigging hot, and he starts making out with her -- at least until he realizes that Big Ed probably has a camera in his office. Delinda keeps making with the horny, so Danny gives in, figuring that it wouldn't make much sense for Ed to watch himself. Fed up with him babbling on, Delinda tells him that the "first rule of hooking up" is "knowing when to shut up." He promises he'll be as quiet as a mouse, but she tells him he's missed his window of opportunity, and sashays on down the stairs, smirking as Danny accuses her of "totally messing" with him. All is forgotten, however, when he spies a piece of paper on Big Ed's desk that says "Desert Dreams Motel." "Gotcha," he says, smiling. But…in order for him to have had Big Ed's Hummer towed, wouldn't he have already had to track him down? Or should I not point out plot inconsistencies like that?
Over at the Desert Dreams, the manager's knocking on Ed's door to inform Ed that he's being kicked out of his room, because the manager has a "whale" coming in, and Ed's in the whale's favourite suite. Ed's quite dumbfounded. "You have a whale?" The manager sighs. "Obviously you don't understand how this town works," he says, hilariously patronizingly. "In the gaming trade we cater to customers who gamble big money in our casinos. We call them 'whales.'" Ed's all, but you have ONE SLOT MACHINE in your lobby, so the manager patiently explains the whale is a "serious slot jockey" who'll pump quarters into it all night. Heh -- although this motel manager with his amazing improvisational acting skills is stretching the limits of credibility for me. He apologizes for turfing them out, but Jillian seems rather resigned. "Yep! This is a vacation I'll remember, for a long, long time," she says, even though she is not actually ON VACATION, and why she's hanging out with Ed while he tests Danny if she's going to bitch about it the whole time is still really beyond me. Ed thanks the motel manager for his "charm," then goes back inside the room, and dials directory assistance for the number for the King Charles Motel. "They always have rooms there," he tells Jillian, who seems strangely unconcerned about her husband's encyclopedic knowledge of short-notice room availability at Las Vegas's seedier accommodations. Instead, she just says, "December 19, 1777." He ignores her and starts inquiring about rooms, so she takes the phone from him and repeats the date. Don Zimmer begins his career with the Yankees? No -- George Washington moves his men to Valley Forge. "So what?" asks Ed. She leads him on, asking him why Washington did that. "Because he couldn't stop the British from taking Philadelphia, so he retreated to Valley Forge to regroup." Lesson? asks Jillian. Ed's all, oh, okay. We retreat and regroup so we can fight again. He says he just needs two more days, and Jillian starts making out with him again, presumably so he'll shut up. Then she stops abruptly. "And you think spending the winter in Valley Forge was cold?" and walks away. He calls that "not fair."
At the Montecito bar, Frank's ordering a triple Red Bull and vodka, like, just hook the defibrillator up now, and he tries to order one for Mike as well, but Mike declines, saying that if he goes home now he may be able to catch a few hours of sleep. Frank doesn't want him to leave, and Mike says, dude, I know I'm your good luck charm, but I'm EXHAUSTED, so Frank lays on some sob story, complete with tears, about his wife dying a couple of years ago, and he's on disability, and the bank's going to take his house. Mike apprises him coolly. "Frank, that's the worst lie I ever heard." Frank stops crying instantly. Heh. He says he's desperate, and Mike says he's done. Then the extra-special gum-cam shows Frank peeling the gum off the bottom of his shoe, as if it's even still there, and sticking it on the underside of the table, like, what are you, SIX YEARS OLD? Frank tries one last time, offering up some speech about how he knows that his run of luck isn't going to last forever, but when it ends, he doesn't want it to be at the bar. He wants to go out in a blaze of glory, or at least in a blaze of doubling-down, at the tables. Mike agrees, because he is apparently an idiot.
Danny enters some hallway, where he is ambushed by an absolutely stunning Mary, and Danny barely gets out a "hey" before she grabs him and begins the process of devouring him whole. If I can think of no other reason to continue watching this show, Nikki Cox is more than enough for me. "Please don't tell me you're messing with me too," he says, once they break to actually BREATHE. "No," she says sweetly, and kisses him again lightly before unclinching and flitting away, leaving Danny looking rather, understandably, dazed and confused.
We zoom across town to the Lucky Burger, which is I guess the one thing Jim and Janet Warner really wanted to do. Sam's surprised, as she thought only locals knew about the place, and Jim says they have their sources. Sam's undoubtedly a little annoyed at all she's given them, when all they really wanted was a pair of Double Luckies, which Jim explains is two burgers, two fries, and chocolate shakes, and he tells Sam to make sure the burgers are done "gorilla-style," which apparently means that the onions and the cheese and the sauce are all mixed together. Sam goes to fetch this haute cuisine, which Jim, gallant gentleman that he is, insists on paying for. Sam assures him that the Montecito can spring for some Lucky burgers. And Janet is making her head-nodding motions again for Jim to say something, like maybe Janet isn't allowed to speak, and Jim invites Sam to join them. Sam declines, saying she can grab something back at the hotel, so a disappointed Jim says he and Janet may as well cancel too. So Sam says okay. I'LL HAVE A LUCKY FUCKING BURGER TOO. Gorilla-style.
Back at the Montecito, Frank is getting his clock cleaned at the blackjack tables. "Something must be wrong," he keeps repeating. Yeah. It's certainly not because the odds are stacked so convincingly in the house's favour. He asks Mike if Mike touched the chips, and Mike says he did, every one. Frank suggests Mike KISS the chips. Mike calmly looks at Frank. "Up to ten per cent carry traces of the human papilloma virus. I ain't kissin' no chips." I'm thinking that the viral qualities of casinos aren't touted very prominently in tourist brochures. Certainly Mike the valet ought to think twice about sharing such knowledge so loudly. He does try to persuade Frank to quit before he loses all his money. Frank just asks him to touch the chips again.
Over at the Lucky Burger, Sam is chowing down and gleefully acknowledging that "gorilla-style" burgers do indeed rock. Her cell phone rings. It's Mary. "The real Warners are here, and they're pissed." Sam's all, whuh? Mary advises her to get her butt back to the casino. Janet asks Sam if everything's okay. Sam says nothing.
Back at the Montecito, a very irritated Mr. and Mrs. Warner are standing around looking bored, because I guess NO ONE ELSE could have shown them to their rooms or anything. Sam strides up, wearing a smile and apologizing for the mix-up. "Mix-ups are for people who pay for their rooms," says the oh-so-charming Mr. Warner. In case we don't hate him enough yet, he adds, "Do you have any idea what I'm worth?" Sam starts kissing ass fast, telling them she's set aside the casino's best room for them. "And?" says Mr. Warner. And, uh, we've got a helicopter for you to use! says Sam. "And?" says Mr. Warner. And how about a private area in our newest restaurant for you and your wife, adds Sam. "And?" Sam just finally says that if there's anything else at all they need, she's more than happy to provide it. "Why don't you call Mandalay Bay and let them know we're on our way," he says. Yeah -- ask them to reserve the Insufferable Prick suite. Sam says that won't be necessary. "Really. What else are you going to offer me, a free facial? Two for one at the buffet? I want something personal," he says, looking directly through her. Sam, hoping to keep her clothes on, tries a very heartfelt apology, and assures him that nothing like this will happen again. Warner says his wife will look at the room, and says that if she likes it, they'll consider staying. Sam smiles, knowing she won't need her Chapstick just yet.
In the Montecito surveillance room, Danny's reviewing some military history himself -- specifically, the Battle of Inverlochy, in which the Marquis of Montrose staged a surprise attack against the Covenant army. Seems like quite an obscure reference for the rather obvious lesson of "just when you think you're safe, check your defences." He asks the Other Surveillance Guy to check the loading dock, even though OSG says Danny needs some sleep. We watch security guards unloading the merchandise for the new jewelry store, mentioned way back at the top of the episode. Danny zooms around on the cameras, before noticing that the name on the armoured truck doesn't match up with the name of the security company on the patches of the guards. Danny starts laughing: "Nice try, Ed." OSG starts to get on the phone to the police, but Danny tells him not to, and says he'll handle it. He strolls over to the loading dock, and starts chatting amiably with the phony security guys, who, despite taking pains to appear like regular security guards, regard the casino guy with barely concealed looks of hostility. Danny cheerfully wonders how much they're making off with -- about three million? And gee, couldn't Ed have come up with something a little less obvious? If you ask me, the writers shouldn't be casting aspersions on what is obvious and what isn't -- since everybody knows that in a prank war, there's going to be an actual jewel heist mistaken for a prank. After Danny pulls out the cell phone to call Ed, the "security guards" pull out their guns. "You guys don't know Ed, do you," he says, finally catching on. He gets thrown in the truck to the real security guard, whose mouth is duct-taped. Of course, such a turn of events doesn't excuse one from proper etiquette, and he introduces himself as Danny McCoy, head of Montecito security. Commercials.
When we return, actual security guards are opening the back of the armoured car. Ed fixes Danny with his best Sonny Corleone glare. "Hey. How was Hawaii?" asks Danny. Ed stomps away. He's mad because criminals are only allowed inside the casino when he lets them in to mess with Danny.
Mary's asking Sam how she messed up with the Warners. Sam explains that they had the same last names and similar check-in dates, which sounds like a lame excuse to me. But Ma and Pop Warner have something no whale ever has, says Sam. A whole lotta heart? No. Gratitude. Oh. Mary wonders when Sam's going to pull the plug on the Nice Warners' dream. Sam just groans.
Ed's on the phone, telling the surveillance room to go over the security tapes again. He gets off and tells Danny that there's no record of the thieves leaving the loading dock. Danny wonders if the thieves actually went inside the casino, which Ed dismisses. Well, they didn't just disappear, says Danny, like, maybe he should be a little more apologetic to his boss for allowing thieves to make off with more than three million dollars in jewelry. Ed spies something off-camera. "We looked everywhere, right?" "Yeah." "And they're not in the casino." "How do you know?" says Danny. "They're under it," says Ed, and the camera pans down to a manhole cover on the ground, and the camera zips and zooms through the sewer to its end at some empty aqueduct, and we pull back, and there are Ed and Danny, sitting in a car, waiting for the thieves. There aren't any police officers with them, or security guards or anything. Just the two of them, chatting about Ed's trip to Hawaii, Danny asking Ed if he didn't have a nice time. "Well, you know. Ten minutes of looking at the ocean, ten minutes of looking at the sand, two days watching the stupid monkeys stealing coconuts from the tree outside of my room there…" Danny points out that there are no monkeys in Hawaii. Ed's all, whuh? But they're interrupted by the sound of the sewer grate opening, so it looks like they luckily picked the right opening, hey? And then of course they race down the embankment and chase down the jewel thieves, who are terrified by the pretty boy and the old man chasing them, even though they are carrying GUNS. And Danny and Ed chase them down and beat them up and get the diamonds back. What a load.
Back at the Montecito, the Nice Warners, all excited, find Sam in the restaurant. Looks like the Lucky Burger did the trick, as they've started gambling, and Jim won $200 bucks at blackjack! Cha-ching! Sam's happy for them, then lowers the boom, telling them that there was a mix-up when they checked in. But guess what -- they knew! And they should have said something, but they were just having such a good time. Suddenly, nice guy that he is, Jim's worried. "You're not in trouble, are you?" "No, I'm not in trouble, it's just that you're going to have to…" Pay for our rooms, assumes Jim. No, no, says Sam, but you will have to move out. "We're already packed," says Janet. Just then, Sam notices the Warner Prick at a table, berating the waitress over his meal. Turning back to the nice Warners, she says they're staying in their suite. "You sure?" says Janet. "Yes, I'm positive," says Sam. Then the Warners invite her to join them at the buffet, but Sam's all, no way. You're eating in HERE tonight. And the Warners thank her effusively, saying they'll never forget this. "Neither will I," says Sam to herself.
Mike's helping the oldest couple in the world into the casino, when Frank hops up just to thank him. "You are a genuine brother and I appreciate it," says Frank, and Mike gives him a minor lecture on how the idea of a human good-luck charm is ludicrous. Frank's all, tell me about it. It was the gum! Frank's all, gum? Frank reminds him of the gum he stepped in, and how his luck changed after he scraped it off, so he went back to the bar, found the gum, then went back to the tables. He shows Mike the gum, which he's gone to the trouble of putting in a little plastic bubble that he's wearing around his neck. Needless to say, Frank's money clip is a lot fatter. "No hard feelings?" says Frank. Mike shakes Frank's hand and says he hopes his luck lasts. Then he hands the scene off to Mary and Sam strolling by. Sam's asking Mary about the jet going out, and Mary says it's going out in the evening to pick up Tony Bennett in New York. Sam tells her she's got some people to send out on it. Mary figures it out instantly and starts laughing. "Making a drop-off in Chicago?" she says. "No reason Jim and Janet shouldn't go out in style," says Sam. Is this show being paid for by the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce or something? Lessons we're learning -- that you can make thousands if you step in gum, and maybe if you have the same last name as a big spender, you might get the royal treatment. And the casino won't make you pay for it once they realize the mix-up!
In the surveillance room, Danny tells Ed that Ed's apparently "stolen" Hummer was found -- right in the Montecito parking garage! And Ed continues to play along, despite just how obvious it is that Danny's onto him, and says Jillian must have forgotten where she parked it. Then he makes up this ludicrous story about overhearing some guy in Hawaii bragging about ripping off the Montecito with a monkey's paw. Ed hands Danny a bag, and Danny plays dumb (big stretch), expressing his amazement at Ed happening to be there to recover the stolen money. "I guess this means you don't trust me enough to take another vacation," says Danny. On the contrary, says Ed. In fact, he just promised Jillian -- while they were on vacation in Hawaii, he reminds Danny -- that he'd take her to some villa in Tuscany. Ed leaves to head up to his office. "Welcome back," says Danny, who quickly scoots back to the surveillance room.
And up in the office? It's decked out with sod and sand, beach chairs, and Don Ho singing about tiny bubbles. On the television is a postcard of Hawaii ("Wish you were here!") that's bumped off by a rather impressive animation of Danny waving a driving a flatbed truck with a Hummer on the back. "Son of a bitch," says Ed. Downstairs, Danny smirks, at least until Ed chases him down and beats him with a garbage can lid.