The episode opens with a money shot. No, not that kind. We see many hundred-dollar bills being laid out on the green felt of a gaming table, then big bills being shoved into the not-so-secret holding box courtesy of a big Lucite spatula, and then enough chips to make a scale model of the Montecito. Just in case you were wondering how many chips that might be, it's approximately $20,000 worth. The chips slide across the gaming table and into Wallace Langham's anxious arms. Yay, Wallace Langham! He does anxious weasel so well. Anyway, Wallace stacks many chips in his little chip case, then lays one -- one measly leetle chip -- back down on the table to bet. Ooh, that's not exactly normal. When he busts (card count: 24), he takes his chips and goes.
This attracts the attention of the security crew. We figure this out when the camera zooms from a table's-eye view up to a monitor. Danny tells Big Ed that this is the second time in six hours that Wallace has bought $20,000 in chips and only played one before taking off. Danny's already checked him out: Wallace is playing someone named Julian Kervis, and Julian and his clean crime record are staying at the Montecito for two nights. "Julian" he may be on the show, but he's "Wallace" for recapping purposes. Big Ed floats the possibility of counterfeit bills; Danny replies that they've already checked the bills in the box from the last table Wallace played.
Just then, the phone rings. Big Ed checks it out, then commands an extra to display Camera 25 on one of the screens. This is how we transition out of the office and back on to the floor, where Nessa is telling someone, "We can't allow play to be held up for an extended period." The overweight, red-faced, sweating and gasping man replies, "Okay. Let me just get over this tingling in my arm, and this coppery taste in my mouth, and…argh!" Or something to that effect. His tablemate is none too sympathetic to this. That could be hazardous to his karma: he's not exactly a spring chicken himself, and he could easily end up stroking out in the Blockbuster while teenaged boys step over his prone, twitching body and plot to go to the local video rental place, because then they can try to sneak in to the Over-18 section. Captain Coronary collapses on the floor while his astringent table watches dispassionately. Nessa orders her second-in-command -- who actually does bear an uncanny resemblance to Emma Frost -- to get some paramedics on the scene, then shut down the pit, as this heart attack could be part of an elaborate fraud. As Captain Coronary's life flashes before him down on the floor there, Nessa directs the other guy to cash in his chips because she's shutting down the table. "I just split a pair!" he protests. Oh, it's just too bad he's a pretend person on a TV show, because if he weren't, I'd devote my free time to following him around and waiting for the karmic backlash to knock him into the world.
Meanwhile, Big Ed and Danny are loping across the floor; Big Ed is musing that Wallace could have used the first chip purchase to check the table collection schedule, so he wants Danny to check the cash deposited on this shift to make sure it wasn't a one-two job, and in the event that Wallace just purchased $40,000 worth of chips with real money, get Sam to suck up to him like a sexy remora and bleed him of the rest of his unlikely riches.
Meanwhile, our friend who likes to gamble big on karma is telling Nessa heatedly, "I don't remember you shutting down the table when I drew 16!" "I don't remember you keeling over with a possibly fatal ailment when you did!" she replies. Oh, she does not, because she's in customer service and knows better than to piss off the patrons. She's a better woman than I in that respect. Nessa replies, "He's in need of medical assistance." Bud BadKarma replies, "And I'm in need of a winning hand." And a soul. Big Ed comes up right then, and checks in with Nessa; it looks like Captain Coronary's last moments are legit. That will be a comfort to his of kin.
Ed's kind of stressing out over how this looks, and someone repeating his name isn't helping. Ed finally looks up, and a mild-mannered, extremely casually dressed bald guy is all, "Well, Jeez Louise, how do you like this for a who-woulda-thunk?" Ed is about two seconds from snapping; he comes over and asks, "Excuse me, what's that?" The other guy is all, "It's me! Donny! Your cousin Donny! Sheila's boy!" Heh. It says something about family that no matter how old you are, you will always be identified as someone else's child; when I went home for my Nana's funeral in June, my fortysomething cousins were busy introducing themselves to the assorted nuns as "Richie's girl" and "Joanie's boy" despite the fact that Richie and Joan were last called Richie and Joan in 1962. Big Ed has the obvious look of someone frantically filing through the mental photo album. Donny helpfully ads, "Without hair." And without the ass-kicking attitude he brought to the role of the Miami D.A. who had no use for Horatio over on CSI: Miami. Incidentally, he was named Don there too. On this show, Don's admitting, "I was a little more dashing twenty years ago." Big Ed's all, "Was that when we had dinner?" Heh. Donny immediately replies, "Washington, D.C., 1982." Think Donny may have had a fairly uneventful life? We eventually get around to Big Ed telling Donny that he works at the Montecito. Donny ratchets the clueless pathos up another notch by saying, "And judging from the suit, you are upper-middle-management." Big Ed snarls, "Listen, you chinless wonder, this isn't any damn Men's Wearhouse off-the-rack number; it's bespoke, and a team of British tailors put their kids through Eton on what I paid for this thing!" Oh, he does not. Instead, he foolishly gives away deluxe accommodations. How does this casino stay in business if Big Ed's giving away trips each week?
Anyway, just as Big Ed decides to get back to, you know, his job and see how Captain Coronary is doing, Donny displays his uncannily bad timing and takes a lot of hokey conversational detours in announcing that he's about to run off and marry a woman he met a scant three days ago. Donny makes introductions between Ed and Marie. Big Ed, who is currently sporting a trapped look, numbly shakes hands before the couple's name hits him and his eyes bug out in horror as he says, "Donny and…Marie." He braces for the inevitable "I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll joke" at the same time as I do. Unfortunately, having killer instincts for an obvious "joke" in no way lessens the pain. Anyway, Ed finally manages to tear himself away from Donny, escaping only with an obligation to attend their nuptials later. Staggering from that situation, he runs into another when a leather-hat-wearing man perched on a nearby stool sits and cackles at Captain Coronary. Big Ed's all, "Is something funny?" and our friend in the calfskin chapeau chortles, "Yeah. I owed him money." Big Ed straightens up and wonders how his high-end casino became a refuge for yokels and soulless money grubbers.
And then Elvis kicks in with the theme. A little more action, indeed.
Commercials. You know, I rated Whoopi promos at a survey thing this summer when I was in Las Vegas, and despite my persistent pressing of the red button and copious remarks on how the sitcom looked like something you threatened your kids with as a disciplinary measure, it looks like the promos have actually gotten worse.
Once we're back from commercials, Danny and Sam are wandering around outside the casino; Danny's giving Sam her marching orders vis-à-vis determining whether Wallace is a sloppy and eccentric millionaire or merely a cash-heavy con artist. After we reiterate how suspicious Wallace looks, someone wanders by and says, "Danny, Delinda wants you to meet her by the pool." Sam meows. Hee. Danny's all, "It's not like that, okay!" Oh, sure it's not. Sam's skeptical too. Danny claims the relationship has matured. Sam's all, "Oh, she seems like a mature girl to me. Better hurry!" The grin on her face says it all. As Danny strides on through a clutch of thong-wearing beauties, he VOs, "Our relationship really has matured. Initially, it was pretty much physical, but now…drool. Thank you, God." The drooling noise happens when he sees Delinda and her bedhead half-heartedly splashing around the pool. Raucous rock music plays in the background since, you know, Delinda's rocking his world. Oh, whatever. The two exchange tepid greetings. Danny's all, "You said you wanted to talk?" Delinda grins, "Great day, huh?" You know, that's practically shorthand for "I'd like to break up with you. Right now. Verily, I can't stand the sight of you, so answering direct questions is foul and repugnant to me. Now brace for the bad news, because I'm going to give you a half-true explanation and leave you confused. Now go away, please."
Danny follows Delinda into a cabana, and as she prepares to get dressed, she's all, "Danny, do you think we're right for each other?" Danny manages to get over the sight of a naked Delinda (we see from the back) to say, "I think we're still getting to know each other. We've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks --" "I don't think we are," Delinda wheels around and says. "I don't think we are. And yes, we could do the whole getting-to-know-each-other thing, but honestly, Danny, you're just not reckless enough for me." Note that she delivers this pronunciation topless. Way to send mixed signals, Delinda. Danny protests, "If this is about that monorail thing, I told you there were cameras --" Delinda's in no mood to argue: "I like you. And the sex was above average, but between the reckless deficiency and my father freaking out over seeing someone who works for him, it just seems kind of pointless." Danny, who's still stuck on "Above average?" and looks to be debating whether or not he wants to know how he stacks up size-wise, is kind of stunned at the alacrity with which this decision came about. After a faltering attempt to get Delinda to reconsider -- which she shoots down -- she's all, "Don't be so bummed out. We can still be friends!" Well, Danny shouldn't be bummed at all; he can now show Nessa the sights of Vegas without fear of attracting Big Ed's wrath.
And now, Sam approaches Wallace in the gift shop. He's currently checking out t-shirts, and she's all, "Can't decide?" Wallace looks taken aback at the unsolicited female attention. He eventually rallies and smiles, "Can't do Vegas without a black t-shirt." Oh, yes, you can: it's 110 in the shade, and black absorbs light and heat. Sam invites him to take both shirts; Wallace protests, and Sam is all, "Oh, please! It's on the Montecito." She then makes introductions, and Wallace tries to blow her off. Sam's a pro, though, so she follows him out into the lobby and tries to get him to visit the VIP casino. Wallace ducks out with, "I'm late for a meeting," but Samantha's not earning that suite for nothing. She produces a cell phone -- I know not from where, since she's wearing a tube top and a pair of tight capris, and it's not like there's a lot of room for pockets -- and offers to page a car to take him there. Wallace is, "It's at the Luxor. I can drive." Sam tries a different tack by asking, "What's your game? Craps? Baccarat? I am going to set you up at one of our higher-stakes tables --" Wallace sprints off, promising, "I'll call you." Sam holds out the phone and grins. The minute the vapor trail Wallace left in his speedy wake dissipates, Sam's on the phone with Ed: "Wallace has nothing to say, and he couldn't get out of here fast enough. He says he has a meeting at the Luxor. Eastbound on main street."
That's the security camera's cue to watch Wallace as he heads toward the elevators. Big Ed watches him head upstairs and definitely not anywhere toward the Luxor. Then he wheels around and asks, "Where the hell's Danny?"
Danny is down in the valet parking area, giving Mike ammunition for future chops-busting. Mike's laughing, "'Above average'? That's cold, man." It beats "below average," my friend. He breaks off for a moment to help someone out: "Good afternoon, Mr. Maloof. Your suite's ready." Mr. Maloof smiles happily at this news; if I don't miss my guess, that's one of the Maloof brothers, and this is a big Vegas in-joke, since the Maloof brothers own the Palms casino and Skin. Anyway, Mike lets Mr. Maloof know what channels the Eagles game will be on -- odd, since two of the Maloof brothers own an NBA franchise, not an NFL franchise -- but Mr. Maloof appreciates that, and tips Mike a hundred-dollar bill. Danny's still nattering on about Delinda, and Mike turns back to him to say, "Recipe for disaster, my friend." Danny finally notices that Mike just made $100 cash for helping someone out of a car, and Mike's all, "It goes up if he starts winning." Danny continues brooding over his ex-girlfriend: "All I'm saying is that Delinda is not what everyone thinks. She's actually got a head on her shoulders." Mike replies, "So you talk a lot of current events, Eastern philosophy --" "Actually, if you must know, we're currently discussing whether or not Marx's theory of dialectical materialism is the historical basis for an American identity as a nation of consumers," Danny shoots back. Oh, he does not either. He just says Delinda's fun to hang out with. Mike's all, "I know it's not fun when your honey drops a hammer, but you and I both know it would have never worked." Danny finally returns to reality and concedes the point.
Speaking of points, a plot point just rolled up; someone in a Ferrari whizzes on up and demands Mike's attention, and we establish that the Montecito is holding a Ferrari convention this weekend. Materialism as the basis of one's worldview, indeed. Just then, Big Ed calls and reminds him, "You have work to do. Remember work?" Danny goes to say his goodbyes, and Mike's all, "Does Big Ed know? You ought to tell him, brighten his day a little." Danny turns around and delivers the worst part of the breakup: "She said we could still be friends." Mike howls in empathy.
Danny enters Big Ed's office and lets him know he was hanging with Mike. Big Ed's replies, "While you two ladies were having your little sewing circle, Wallace decided to clam up with Sam. You solve this guy, or throw him out of here." Danny notices that Big Ed's shrugging on his jacket in preparation for going somewhere, and asks where Big Ed might be headed off to. Big Ed snaps, "Excuse me?" Danny replies mildly, "Just curious." Big Ed elaborates, "A wedding. Not yours." Big Ed doesn't know how right he is. Danny says as much, and Big Ed wheels around. He sighs and slouches a little before coming back to state, "She dumped you." Danny -- who has less of a beard here than he did in the scene, so now I'm all distracted wondering if he whipped out a razor and shaved in the elevator -- replies, "Like yesterday's news." Big Ed looks more stricken than Danny did. He eventually pulls it together and invites Danny to sit down. There is much manly sighing, and then Big Ed asks, "Well, what did you expect? Walking hand-in-hand on the beach with thousands of violins playing? Long talks about growing old together?" Now would be a good time for Danny to VO the observation that the last thing any violinist needs is sand or sea spray mucking up her instrument. Big Ed continues, "Look, I love Delinda, but she absolutely drives me crazy." The audience nods in commiseration. Big Ed continues, "The truth is, I was hoping that spending some time with you might actually, you know, ground her a little bit." Danny leans back in his chair, stunned. "So you really didn't disapprove?" Big Ed replies, "Doesn't mean it would have been the best thing for you. It also doesn't mean that you should expect a raise." But it would probably not be inappropriate to ask for a month's combat pay.
We then get back on the topic of Donny and Marie for a moment -- Big Ed dismissed Donny as a "halfwit cousin" -- before returning to how apparently Danny has terrible luck with women, and might not be able to find anyone in this town. I'm sure he can get Mary, Sam, and Nessa right on that for him. Then the two men stop bonding and get back to work.
Danny's down on the casino floor, watching Wallace play the slots, when Mary walks up and cheek-kisses him hello. Danny VOs that Mary doesn't know about Delinda, because he's under the mistaken impression that he's not the leading topic of local newscasts, IMs, and text messages in the greater Clark County area. So he points out Wallace to Mary for small talk, and she ignores him, telling him not to feel bad about getting dumped by Delinda: "Over/under on a relationship with her is usually about three weeks. You lasted four and a half." Danny is taken aback to realize that, once again, he is the last to know about what's going on in his own life. He manages, "Thank you. That-that-that, uh, makes me feel so much better." Mary rubs salt in Danny's wounds by adding, "I heard that Bernice in accounting made $400." Danny replies, "Off my misfortune? Nice." No kidding. The least Bernice could do is cut Danny in on the profit. Mary exits laughing, never to be seen again in this episode.
After Danny ponders how two of his friends have more or less said, "Caveat emptor, sucker," in response to his recent amatory travails, he goes back to surveying the floor. Wallace over by the nickel slots isn't nearly as interesting as the trashily-clad woman over in the lounge who's telling her drinking companion, "For a hundred, I can only use my hands. For five hundred, I can give you everything. Every part of me." Gosh, if she weren't wearing that choker with S-E-X spelled out in pavé rhinestones, I would have no idea that I'm watching a hooker try to pick up a john. We hear all this because Danny's got some sort of sound-amplifying device stuck in his ear, so he can scan all the noise.
The hooker laughs and leans back, and then she notices Danny listening in on her. How dramatically convenient. She goes to make a hasty exit, but Danny follows her. The hooker heads into a nearly restroom. Danny starts to dash in, then realizes how that would look, so he backs up just as a friendly woman comes out and asks, "Do you always hang out by the ladies' room?" Danny stammers that he's waiting for a friend, and the woman replies, "Maybe later. I'm in 2608." Because she came to Vegas to pick up men lurking outside the loo? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, huh? Danny looks remorseful for a moment, then heads to the bathroom and hollers, "Lois, I know you're in there!" "Lois"? What kind of a street name is Lois? How bad does your real name have to be when your "sexy" street name is Lois? Danny hollers, "Industrial-strength baby powder and gardenias are your signature scent. It's pretty easy to track." Lois saunters out, cowed by Danny's olfactory deduction.
Danny walks her to the door, asking, "What are we going to do about this, Lois?" "Let me go?" she suggests. Danny replies, "It's the third time I've caught you in here, Lois. Remember what I told you last time?" "That because I'm not one of the posse of hookers waving to you from the end of the bar, I'm not in the prostitution in-crowd?" she replies. Oh, she does not. In fact, nobody addresses this inconsistency between the pilot's "I knows the hookers and they knows me!" attitude and this whole "never darken the casino again, whore!" angle. Lois argues that she really can't handle a bust right now because she's behind on her rent, and Danny gets a bright idea. He points out Wallace and says, "Think you can get him to take you into his room?" Lois assures him it won't be a problem. Thus they enter into a quid pro quo kind of thing.
A brief commercial break later, Danny's knock-knock-knocking on Wallace's door and calling, "Security!" Wallace opens the door in one of his comped tees and asks, "Is there some problem?" You know, he's got the kind of face that more or less invites you to assume that whatever he claims not to do, he did it. Danny's all, "I'm sorry to bother you, but one of our people reported seeing you come in up here with a known prostitute." Wallace tries for wide-eyed surprise, but fails miserably. As he's making his vigorous disclaimers, a half-naked Lois strolls into view behind him. Danny points to the reflection and asks, "Is that Mrs. Kerbis?' Wallace pauses for the smallest moment before replying, "…Yes." Wallace then wheels around and says, "Huh-honey, I told you to stay by the bed." As he heads inside, Danny follows him into the room. Lois says flatly, "I told you I wanted my money." Wallace turns around with that panicky "Busted!" look that anyone who watched The Larry Sanders Show will remember. He stammers, "Ah, she's not feeling well." Danny deadpans, "I'm a little confused. So, you're married to a hooker?" Lois grins, and Wallace tries for self-deprecating with, "Okay, you got me. Guilty of being a male seeking female companionship. Must be the first time in Las Vegas history. Call in the FBI." Danny continues to deadpan, "This doesn't fall in the bureau's jurisdiction. The Las Vegas penal code does require us to report all crimes committed --" Wallace leaps forward and asks, "You're going to report me?" Danny sighs that he has to. Thus beginneth the frantic groveling on Wallace's part, since his wife would kill him. Danny dismisses Lois, but not before telling her to report to the security office. Man, I hope that was only part of a charade and not him dicking her over in their agreement.
Wallace looks miserable. Danny offers him a glimmer of hope with, "There is one thing you can help me with…and if you help me, we can forget about this entrapment I used to get in here in the first place." Or something to that effect. Danny then asks, "Why did you buy $40,000 worth of chips if you don't intend to gamble?" We see the wheels turning in Wallace's head again as he tries to figure out which lie he'll be telling now. Danny's not having it; he asks, "Do you want to call your wife and tell her you were arrested for soliciting a prostitute?" And from here, we can see the towel around Wallace's waist, so…it looks like he and Lois did business. Does that make Danny a pimp on any level? Ew. Anyway, faced with the threat of wifey finding out, Wallace folds: "I can't leave the hotel. I'm supposed to meet a guy here tomorrow, and I don't know how to contact him! I don't even know what he looks like! He's gonna sell me a car." Danny fills in, "You were gonna buy the car with the chips. Blend in with the rest of the gamblers, make yourself anonymous, a little less traceable." Wallace concedes that he was thinking along those general lines. Danny checks out photos that have obviously been downloaded from the Web and asks, "You ever bought a stolen car before?" Wallace instantly claims, "I did not know that car was stolen!" Danny immediately dismisses this: "$40,000 for a 385 Spider? Those things cost 130, minimum. But if you did your business at the Ferrari convention, no one would pay attention, isn't that right?" Wallace protests that it wasn't his idea. He then weasels, "If I leave, this guy is going to be really pissed off. He's got my name, he's got my phone number -- I'm afraid that he's going to come and find me. He's married to Jenna Elfman! Who knows what kinds of sick acts this monster is capable of!" Danny's all, "You want me to give you a mulligan." You know, Danny's acting awfully smug for someone who set up an entrapment.
We get a shot of the strip, and of a giant Humvee that's been converted to a stretch limo -- something that, in a just world, should have led to the immediate banishment of whomever thought of or made this sort of aesthetic and environmental travesty possible -- and the Humvee pulls in to a wedding chapel. Oh, this all makes a sick kind of sense now: Donny's in the limo with his intended and Big Ed. I can't believe Big Ed didn't lasso Mrs. Big Ed into coming to this too -- any woman who swoons over a chain-mail-clad lunatic should totally dig witnessing the wedding of two dorks named Donny and Marie. I haven't mentioned the best part yet: Donny and Marie are dressed like flower children, wigs and all. Donny exclaims over how nice the little chapel is, and Ed comments wanly, "It doesn't try too hard." Marie's all, "Oh, it's so cool!" Behind her, Big Ed mutters disbelievingly, "So cool…" Debbie the bridal coordinator -- who's sporting the bouffant hair and frosted eye shadow that strikes fear in the hearts of fashion magazine editors everywhere -- compliments the happy couple on their costumes, and tells Big Ed, "If you'd like to get in the spirit, I could rustle up an appropriate wardrobe if you like." Big Ed would not like. The wedding is running behind, all the better to witness whatever freakshow wedding takes place beforehand. Marie asks if there's a "little girls' room nearby." She's just hit one of my irrational pet peeves: grown women who insist on referring to the lavatory as "the little girls' room." Lady, it's not that hard to ask, "Where are the facilities, please?" or, if you'd like to be continental, "Which way to the loo?" Have a little dignity. Enough about my peeve: let's talk about Big Ed's peeve of being patted on the face by a woman whom he barely knows.
Donny watches Marie go, and asks, "Isn't she something? I never thought I would find someone who would marry me. I asked a girl once. She thought it was a joke, and started laughing. But she wasn't in Marie's league. I mean -- not even in her solar system." Big Ed is digesting all of this, his obvious discomfort warring with his pity for Donny. Hell, at this point, I feel sorry for Donny -- what kind of awful woman was he dating that she'd laugh at a proposal? That's just so low-class. Big Ed deals by issuing some cousinly advice: "I want you to think about something. This is Vegas…magic, magic happens here. I'm not just talking about the disappearing tigers and stuff like that. I'm talking real magic. I mean, you two met here, you fell in love here, and now you're getting married here. What I'm saying is, uh…" Big Ed falters when he sees Donny's persistently beaming face, and continues, "I'm just not sure that this magic's going to follow you all the way back to Trenton." Aw, that was a moment there. So naturally, Donny pisses all over it with, "That Donny and Marie thing? Good omen, good omen." Or writerly contrivance. Take your pick. Donny continues, "I put a thousand down on the roulette wheel on Marie's birthday -- I won thirty-five large!" Big Ed realizes the two of them are talking at cross-purposes, and just smiles. "There you go."
Just then, a couple dressed as Marc Antony and Cleopatra stroll on out, just married. Personally, I would have been more impressed if Marc had staggered out carrying a rug, then unrolled it to release his bride. Big Ed looks trapped again, and then Debbie gets them all ready to go. She says, "Let me introduce you to your pastor…" and brings out a Jimi Hendrix impersonator. He decrees, "You all look real groovy." Then he checks out Big Ed and adds, "You too." Ever cool in the face of improbable situations, Big Ed replies, "Thanks, Jimi."
Mercifully, we skip the wedding. The scene is back at the casino, where Donny is insisting that Big Ed let him reciprocate on the graciousness scale. Big Ed is demurring, even through offers of seeing the Jimi Hendrix impersonator perform "Manic Depression." Big Ed manages to shake Donny for a moment, and finds Sam. He explains, "That's my cousin, Donny, and his new wife, Marie." We pause for the inevitable knowing smirk. Then Big Ed continues, "He's really a sweet enough guy, and problem is, he's gonna be here another day, and I just -- I would like you to take care of them. Give them anything they want, as long as I'm not a part of it. I'm serious as a heart attack." Big Ed then ushers Sam over and says that she's his top casino host, and she's there to make sure they can do whatever they want -- shows, restaurants, what have you. Marie's all, "Ed-die! You've done too much already." Big Ed can't get out of there fast enough. Sam turns around and asks brightly, "So! What's your Vegas fantasy?" Donny picks this moment to get all excited about Carrot Top. Of course.
Big Ed can finally get back to work. He and Danny are wrangling over what to do with Wallace -- Big Ed's all for calling the cops, Danny's arguing for cutting the guy a break. Big Ed points out, "The guy's in our hotel to commit a crime." Danny admits, "I had a hooker I know put him in a compromising position to get him to talk, so technically, I-I-I set him up." Big Ed says sarcastically, "Ah. Technically." Oh, Big Ed. You are what makes this show watchable. He then asks Danny wryly, "This do-gooder…is this part of your new job description?" Danny replies that he's leaving that up to Big Ed. As the two guys stare at each other, Danny VOs that Big Ed will give a guy a pass from time to time "on his discretion." Big Ed finally speaks: "Fine, you'll be Kerbis." Danny VOs, "Or it makes my job more difficult." He gapes in protest as Big Ed walks away. Danny follows -- to protest, to ask more, to do something, but mostly to make the blocking convenient so Big Ed can easily turn around and tell Danny to make sure the cops bust the stolen-car sale off the Montecito property, since "it might not look so good if a Ferrari thief gets taken down in the middle of the Montecito Ferrari convention." Yeah, Mary would stroke out from stress -- let's just assume that the reason we're not seeing her all episode is that she's busy pulling off this event, okay? Anyway, Danny pauses to contemplate how much harder his job just got, Big Ed grins slightly, and then he sits down to deliver the final twist of the knife: Danny's paying for the car in cash -- his cash, if the deal goes bad. Big Ed's nearly gleeful by this point as he reminds Danny, "You wanted to give Wallace a break."
Just then, Delinda comes in. Poor Danny can't catch a break, can he? He awkwardly breaks the news to Delinda that he's already told Big Ed of their parting. In the ensuing leaden silence, Danny takes off. After he's gone, Big Ed sighs and says, "Two major holidays." Delinda's as confused as the rest of us. Big Ed clarifies, "That's all I want: one of these serious relationships of yours to span two major holidays." Well, Big Ed, it depends on your definition of major holiday -- I'm almost positive Danny and Delinda made it through both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and neither one of those is a contrived Hallmark occasion. Anyway, the two of them lay the groundwork for a later scene. To save time, let's just go over that scene too: it's a painfully contrived conversation revolving around the wholly ridiculous premise that Delinda is tired of living a hedonistic, consequences-free life and wants to settle down and get a glamorous job or some other flimsy excuse to keep her on the show. And that's all you need to know.
Danny, kitted out in the Montecito hat and Palms jacket that Wallace was supposed to wear to meet the Ferrari guy, settles down to wait. Within moments, Bodhi Elfman comes over and asks if Danny is Wallace. And now y'all understand why I made the Jenna Elfman joke earlier. Danny looks up from his cola -- the hat makes him look about nineteen -- and says he is. Bodhi asks if Danny's got the cash; he sure does. Bodhi gives him a patronizing look and says, "I gotta test 'em. I'm about to give you the keys to a real Ferrari, and I don't know what you're giving me is real." Danny tosses a stack of bills on the table and commands, "Pick a few." Big Ed watches Bodhi test everything from a security monitor and harrumphs. Then Bodhi demands the rest of the money. Danny, who looks like he's about to wet his pants with anxiety, asks where the car is. Bodhi's all, "Service entrance. The rest." Danny, still playing nervous, gives Bodhi the big brown Bambi eyes and says, "First, I gotta see it." Bodhi snaps, "I told you on the phone: you give me the cash, I give you the keys. No kicking the tires, no cooling-off period. Done deal." He then whips out a gun and holds it pressed against the table, pointed at Danny.
This does not slip by Big Ed unnoticed. He zooms in, then orders an unnamed extra to "call the police, tell them to stay close to Danny." Bodhi's pulling the "I am crazy! And super-bad! With a temper!" act, and Danny, his round brown eyes shining with sincerity, assures Bodhi that all he wants to do is walk on over to the car together. Bodhi needs time to weigh this development. Fortunately, he has an entire commercial break.
And it's the most offensive commercial ever! Naturally, when Mom's sick with the flu, Dad can't handle simple domestic chores or grasp why it's wrong to let kids wear shorts to school in winter. So, Mom, make sure you never make the rest of your family suffer when you selfishly insist on staying sick in bed! Get the FluMist vaccine so you don't inconvenience your children or spouse all winter.
Back on the show, Danny and Bodhi have walked over to a red Ferrari. Bodhi's ready to bolt, while Danny's actually kicking the tires. Bodhi makes some more frantic noise: "You wanted to see the car, you saw it, let's do it." Danny says determinedly, "I'd like to take it out first." Bodhi snarls, "Do you think this is a joke?" Danny replies, "I know exactly what this is, which is why I want to make sure it runs. I got a phony title in my room and a guy ready to restamp the VIN. I'm taking a risk here too." Bodhi bites off, "Forget it; terms set." Danny insists that he wants to make sure it runs. Bodhi shifts so Danny can see the gun, and Danny asks, "What are you gonna do? Shoot me and take the money with everyone watching? You won't make it past the fountain. I got the money, and I want the car. I'm just trying to protect my investment. Five minutes on the I-15, once through the gears." Bodhi wrestles with caution and greed. Greed wins, and Bodhi says, "I would very much like to kick your ass right now." Danny insists on his five minutes, and Bodhi snags Mike to move some cars.
Mike says he's moving it in a minute or two; Danny's all, "That's not fast enough. Maybe this will speed things up." He passes Mike a bill, Mike reads it, then says, "Right away, sir." Danny assures Bodhi, "Only language these guys understand." They get in the car, and Bodhi emphasizes that this will be a short ride.
Back in the casino, Big Ed strolls across the floor and finds Donny and Marie at one of the tables. We establish that Donny loved the Carrot Top show, and he asks Big Ed, "Have you seen him?' Big Ed looks blank for only a moment before responding, "Man's a comic genius." Donny then turns to Marie and asks, "Honey, could you go get the $30,000 from our hotel room?" Marie smiles brightly. Big Ed interjects, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Donny, you can't broadcast an errand like that here." He then pulls Sam over and asks, "Honey, would you mind escorting Marie up to her room? She's got to bring Donny something." "Honey"? Sam's taking it all in stride. She strolls off with Marie as Donny laments how even classy places like the Montecito have their drawbacks. He then moves on to lament how he cannot get a break at the tables today, and Big Ed urges him to get up and take a break. There's some more oh-thank-you on Donny's part and discreet grimacing on Big Ed's part, and I'm guessing Sheila is probably not getting a lavish holiday fruit basket from the Big Ed family this year, since her son is causing Big Ed so much agita. Anyway, the scene ends with Big Ed and Donny agreeing to meet for breakfast at a pancake place Big Ed knows that serves the best pancakes.
And now there's that Big Ed/Delinda conversation I wrote about earlier; skip up in the recap to see it, okay?
And then Sam and Marie are coming out of the elevator bank. Marie's got the money. The minute the two women hit the lobby, Marie notices the marching band currently winding around the casino floor -- what, was Mick Fleetwood losing at craps when the urge to play "Tusk" overwhelmed him? -- and immediately exclaims how she loves Las Vegas. She then dives into the band, which is a great way to lose a casino-assigned tail and bolt with $30,000. And Marie does just that.
Danny's tearing down the road when Bodhi orders him to turn around. Danny protests that the freeway is up ahead, but Bodhi's got an itchy trigger finger, so Danny turns around, mere feet before they would have driven into the police ambush set up to capture them.
Sam's in the security office with a grim-looking Big Ed. He figures, "It doesn't look like anyone snatched her up, unless the cabbie was a hypnotist." He dials a number and asks a dejected-looking Sam how Marie acted with Donny. Sam replies, "She seemed ecstatic." Big Ed then calls down to Mike and describes Marie, asking where her cab was going. As he listens to Mike, he tells Sam, "That poor putz -- he was really crazy about her. I really thought this was going to be a Vegas love story." Well, no. It turns out Mike put Marie in a cab headed straight to McCarran International Airport. Sam estimates that it'll take Marie half an hour to get through security. Big Ed says, "Good. You find her, bring her back to me." He tells Sam he'll handle Donny.
Danny and Bodhi pull in to some godforsaken parking lot, and Bodhi trains the gun on Danny while telling him, "I've decided I don't trust you. And I don't do business with people I don't trust." Whatever you say, Twitchy. Bodhi adds that there's a $50,000 cancellation fee. Danny protests, "Think about how stupid that is!" I'm thinking that Danny's regretting those do-gooder impulses right about now. Bodhi's all, "No. No cameras here. I know your name, and I know what you look like, and I know where you live." Danny agrees that the deal's off. Bodhi drives off.
Just then, Mike comes tearing up in Danny's big bananamobile. An exciting car chase ensues, if you're into that sort of thing. I personally am not. Eventually, the car chase turns into a footrace. After everyone jumps the first fence, Bodhi shoots at them inexpertly. Mike protests, "We're getting shot at over a car? Does that make sense?" Danny replies, "It's a really nice car." Mike's all, "You know, I see really nice cars all the time, and ain't no car nice enough to get shot over. Bag this -- I've got a stitch in my side." Oh, he does not. But he could! Danny reveals that Bodhi also has many of Danny's personal dollars. Everyone runs; everyone leaps over fences; everyone squeezes through alleys, runs through kitchens, and ends up leaping into the same pool. Danny shouts, "Get the money!" An older lady in a floating lounge chair tucks a wet bill into her cleavage for safekeeping. Har-dee-har, taking other people's money when it's flying around is fun!
Speaking of taking money, it's a commercial for Friends. How on earth did the prospect of this show finally going off the air manage to knock real news off the cover of Newsweek?
When we get back from commercials, Danny and Mike are frog-marching the inexplicably handcuffed Bodhi off to a black-and-white. Danny's hat is now backwards on his head, signaling that he is no longer playing the part of slow-witted vehicle purchaser, but is now pretending to be a bad-ass action hero. Since Danny and Mike are swaggering the swagger of two men who cannot believe their countless Lethal Weapon watchings paid off, they are also assuming the expected buddy-banter of little consequence -- in this case, the $5 Danny tipped Mike, which Danny now wants back.
Cut to Big Ed getting a fat wad of cash out of the personal account he has at the casino (Huh? Do casinos now pay interest if you keep large sums with them? Why else would you want to do so?). He then visits Donny at the table he's playing at; Donny, whose luck has still not improved since he took his break, is asking, "Have you seen Marie? She should have been back by now with the…the…" Big Ed replies, "Right. Yes, I did, I did. She asked me to please give you the money. Apparently, Sam started telling her about our spa here, and she decided she had to have a massage or facial, or whatever the hell they get." Why make it an either-or proposition? Sigh. I love getting spa treatments. Mmm. Massage. Oh, right. Recapping. Here we go. Nice recovery, Big Ed, but what gives with y'all all using huge chunks of dough to do your jobs? Big Ed asks that Donny try not to lose it all in one place. Yeah, good luck with that.
The crime-fighting buddies are now having crime-fighting hamburgers. Mmm. Those also look good. There just happen to be a number of hundred-dollar bills drying out on the edge of the table. Anyway, Mike's giddy from the rush of having not been shot -- or worse, forcibly converted to Scientology -- by Mr. Jenna Elfman. He's all, "That's a pretty solid day! Pretty solid!" Danny helpfully adds, "And you messed up my car." They then begin speaking around the giant boluses of food in their mouths, and I give up all pretense of understanding what they say. Oh, such boyish high spirits! Oh, such hijinks! Oh, Danny will never get back his $5, even though he used it to scribble a message to Mike. Mike shares his philosophy for keeping the ladies satisfied: "When I start dating a girl, know what I do?" "What do you do?" Danny asks. Mike replies, "Whatever she wants. Sunrise hike in the mountains? Sounds good. Antique shopping? Let's go. I establish rapport." "Sounds like guy code for 'ass-kiss' to me," says the man facing an imminent stretch of celibacy. The two then go back to eating and congratulating themselves on being such heroes.
And now, Sam comes hustling Marie into Big Ed's office. How on earth did she get the lady out of the airport? Anyway, Big Ed bids everyone to sit, and Marie starts yammering, "Eddie…listen. I, um, can explain what happened." Big Ed holds up a warning finger and says, "First, it's Ed, Mr. Deline, or, if you happen to be my mother, Edward." Marie starts again, "Mr. Deline --" Big Ed holds up his finger again: "Second, I'm really not interested, 'cause you see, that -- that's the past. We want to talk about the future." He then asks Sam if Marie had the money. Sam confirms that all the cash is present and accounted for. Big Ed gets down to business: "So. Here is what's going to happen. You will go down to the casino, find your husband, and then you will tell him, uh, about the lovely massage you had and how very happy you are to be married to him. Then tomorrow, you will go back to Trenton, where you will stay married to him for at least, uh --" Big Ed then turns to Sam and asks her, "What do you think?" "Year," she shrugs. Sam's no Mary with the comic timing, but that was a nice little interaction with Big Ed. He turns back to Marie and says, "A year. You will be a loving and devoted wife. You will offer him moral support, conjugal, uh, comfort, and you'll laugh at all his jokes. I'll be calling every week to check. The only way you're relieved of this obligation is if Donny so chooses." Marie looks kind of horrified. I don't blame her: this is the second time inside an hour that someone on the security staff has told a woman, "Here is what you will do sexually if you want to stay out of trouble." That's somewhat ooky.
Before Marie can say anything else, Big Ed calls up a big loop of security footage on the giant monitor behind him -- and whoever thought of this and its potential as a dramatic device is a kind of evil TV genius -- and shows Marie introducing herself to Donny. "What would you call that?" Big Ed asks. He continues, "First meeting of the lovebirds, or sizing up the mark?" Marie pallidly declaims her feelings for Donny. Big Ed shrugs off her closing argument that she and Donny are not meant for each other with, "He thinks you are. Besides, arranged marriages -- well, it's an integral part of many great cultures." By that argument, so are honor killings and torturing people to help them get in touch with their inner Catholic. Big Ed continues, "But in this [arranged marriage], instead of getting stoned to death if you refuse, I notify your parole officer." Big Ed then brings up Marie's file: she's not even the queen of the penny-ante con, since she keeps getting caught. He offers a third alternative to not going along with this marriage: "I can make your life miserable." "He will," Sam assures Marie. Is it just me, or did they shoot Sam in a completely different scene and just splice her in? The lighting seems funny, and the lines sound dubbed.
Cut to Marie looking ecstatic to see her husband. Big Ed, who escorted her over, smiles, "We made sure she got the full treatment." "She deserves it," Donny replies. Oh -- it's so funny because it's ironic, see? Anyway, Big Ed hangs around long enough to see Marie blow on Donny's dice -- not that way, although given the way he was carrying on earlier, it would not have been entirely surprising -- and Donny asserts that his felonious bride is a good luck charm. Then Big Ed walks off, only to run into Danny. Damn -- once Danny's shucked the jacket, hat, and boxy suit for a close-fitting shirt and blue jeans, he's almost the poor woman's Ben (sigh) Browder. Almost. Danny gives Big Ed a terse 411 on how the Ferrari situation went down, and Big Ed leaves a happy man. Mike then rolls up and he and Danny get back into that $5 shtick. Mike rolls off again to make way for Wallace.
Wallace is in fine ferrety fettle with his "I can go? It's on the QT? My wife need never know I violated our vows for a half-hour of tawdry rented passion with someone named Lois?" More or less, yes. As it turns out, Wallace still has a free-play card courtesy of the casino. Danny encourages him to stick it in a slot and see what happens. Wouldn't you know it? Wallace won a car! It's happy endings for everyone!
Even for Donny and Big Ed; they're in a pancake place where all the waitresses are topless. Let's hope the fry cook doesn't labor under the same dress code. Bacon could potentially be fatal. Donny quips, "This may be a pancake house, but I don't see a flapjack in the joint." From the corner he's retreated to since realizing that this was not an episode with Nikki Cox running anywhere, Mr. Sobell grumps, "You are the stupidest man in all of man-dom." Even Big Ed looks faintly appalled. I'm personally intrigued by how the women are all holding their plates at breast level. Big Ed explains, "It's really not a big deal here. My wife actually has friends who are PTA presidents during the day and strippers at night." So when do they hold the PTA meetings? In between sets at the Spearmint Rhino? Anyway, Big Ed's all, "People can fool you," and then launches in to a little lecture on going into marriage with your eyes open. Donny reveals that he got the marriage annulled yesterday afternoon. Oh, ha ha! It's situational irony, since Donny was trying to find a way to break the news to Big Ed. Donny says, "I felt so bad because you had done so much for us." "Don't worry about it," Big Ed manages. Anyway, Donny runs through the reasons he decided to annul the marriage -- Ranger bobblehead dolls figure prominently, and it's a nice touch on the part of the writers to extend this guy's loserdom to his choice of baseball teams to root for. Or maybe it's the New York Rangers Donny roots for -- although they're not much better from a team-dominance perspective. Then there's some blather about how Vegas apparently robs one of all higher thought processes, and the poor woman who's standing there topless with a scalding-hot coffee pot really looks irritated. Big Ed asks for a cup of coffee, and that's the episode.
time: Nessa may be cheating? Nessa may be in the episode? I don't know which is more shocking.