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Michael, the ex-Special Forces tough guy, goes undercover as an ex-Special Forces tough guy. Then he gets beat up by a woman, gets waterboarded (timely!), beats up that same woman a couple of times, jumps off a cliff, gets nekkid, talks a lot about how cool Mustangs are, and saves a dam from being blown up and some gold from being stolen. The word "Mustang" is used roughly ten billion trillion times. Including the song "Mustang Sally" at the end.
Meanwhile, in the B-story, Zoe teaches Billy to fight so that the other PC gamers will stop taking his lunch money. I could have done with more of that story, because at least Zoe and Billy have recognizable characters. What if the whole show was just the antics of the people at HQ, and they only occasionally talked to Mike and KITT on the videophone? It could be like The Office or Newsradio, but set at one of these Shadowy Governmental Agencies.
The show has nothing to do with the classic Robert Mitchum movie The Night of the Hunter. In case you were wondering.
Come back on Thursday for the full weecap. Until then, talk about this episode in our forums.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!What? We made it to episode five? And they picked up the show for a whole season? Really? Well, I'm out of the cancellation pool, I guess. But this is the last weecap here on Television Without Pity, because while the ratings might not be awful, not many of the people watching it are also reading these words and posting in the forums. But we might as well go out on the right note, so let's do this thing up proper.
KITT's roaring down a random mountain road while Mike slouches in the driver's seat and watches football. KITT says that HQ wants them to review Mike's latest cover identity, which is code for "Let's tell each other things we already know so the audience can get clued in," but Mike is feeling snotty and rebellious and unshaven. He tells KITT not to babysit him, as the windshield shows the Dallas Cowboys leading the Seattle Seahawks 13-10. I think it's the third quarter of the 2006 Wild Card game, which means that (spoilers!) Seattle is going to end up winning, 21-20, on Tony Romo's botched hold for a 19-yard field goal. With that out of the way, Mike tells KITT (and us!) that his cover is "Jack Miller," AWOL ex-USMC Special Forces. Doesn't sound like much of a stretch, but at least that tattoo won't be much of an issue this time. Or will it? (Correct answer: No, it will not.)
Mike's cover identity is someone who's AWOL after attacking his commanding officer, and KITT wants to know why someone would do that. "War can make a man do all kinds of things he can't explain," pontificates Mike. Then, noticing the phone ringing, he adds, "Kinda like women." And then Sarah appears on the windshield to mock that sentiment, which makes me wonder if HQ can hear everything that happens inside KITT. If so, I expect that Zoe is recording everything for some twisted use later on. Sarah's calling to ask KITT to "run an algorithm" on "the new transform." Mike claims that Sarah is both a "brainiac" and a "gearhead" and further alleges that the combination is "very hot." It would be more convincing if we ever saw her do anything either brainy or geary, you know? So far, she mostly just calls him up on the windshield-phone and occasionally plays with a microscope. The laser robots seem to do most of the actual work.
Mike wants to know what Sarah's doing this weekend, but she claims it's none of his business. Aren't they dating? I thought they settled that. At the end of the last episode, they were lounging around on the beach together, and he's always up in her sleeping pod. Mike mentions that her birthday is coming up and that he intends to take her out and get her drunk. Smooth talker!
In HQ, Zoe and Billy are wandering through the hallways (that's what happens at a big company; I must have spent six hours wandering through hallways today myself) when Zoe notices that Billy's got a black eye. At first he claims that he got it in a basketball game, which seems to imply that someone remembers that mystery basketball court they stuck in there in the pilot, but then he admits that he got beat up by somebody while arguing about "cracks for Warcraft." Now, either we're talking about World of Warcraft, in which case I have some friends that would be very interested in the "cracks" Billy's talking about, or he and his assailant are actually still playing Warcraft itself. The most recent one was Warcraft III, and that's six years ago. I don't think the trading card game has "cracks," exactly. It seems like I'm doing a lot of research on this episode, doesn't it? Seahawks games, Warcraft release dates... I'm all over the place!
Back to the main plot. Alex is informing Mike about tonight's target, because, once again, they appear to have flown Mike and KITT somewhere and told them to drive along a picturesque mountain road until they get told what the mission is. The target is Walt Cooperton, yet another in a long line of extremely well-funded mercenaries. He's training a militia outside Phoenix. We see a clip of him blathering about a new declaration of independence and how it's his sacred duty to destroy the government. Alex adds that Cooperton has recently purchased military-grade remote-control explosives, because that's what the bad guys are always doing on this show. Mike's job is to infiltrate and shut everything down. KITT adds that Mike can't wear his ear thingy and communicate with him or the kids at Knight Industries.
Finally, KITT transforms into the pickup truck (the same pickup truck as always, I think, so I don't know why they needed a new algorithm), and we go into the opening credits on a long, loving shot of the Ford logo. Hey! I think I just figured out how this show got a full-season order!
After the credits, Zoe is taunting Billy for getting beat up, and then offers to teach him to fight. He unwisely mocks this idea, so she twists his arm behind his back and orders him to meet her in the rec room after work, and not to make her come looking for him. I notice that Smith Cho, who plays Zoe, is still only a guest star. Come on! She's practically the fourth lead after Mike, Sarah, and KITT. Get her in the opening credits already! It's not like Bruce Davison or Sydney Poitier ever show up anymore. [Well, except for episode, where there's a traitor in their midst (maybe guest-star Zoe?), but you'll all just have to watch that one yourselves. We won't do it for you anymore. - Zach]
Mike in Pickup Truck KITT pulls up to a general store, in which some goons are gooning around. KITT identifies the head goon as Oren Moss, someone who pals around with Cooperton. Ignoring KITT's advice, Mike purposely bumps into Moss and takes his potato chips. [Oh, snap! - Z] After a brief scuffle, Mike says he wants to meet Cooperton. Moss denies knowing anything about that and casually mentions that if he and his goons were "at liberty," they would turn Mike into a puddle. Then he calls Mike "cowboy," and they all take off. I was going to suggest that Mike's "pickup truck" looked suspiciously new and fancified for the look he was going for, but then I noticed that the goons drove off in a ridiculous silver Hummer. So I guess that's fine. KITT frets about Mike being turned into cowboy sauce while Mike drives after the Hummer, and we have a pretty low-speed chase. Suddenly! The Hummer screeches to a halt and a couple more Hummers jump out of the underbrush. (I don't really know what "underbrush" is, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's something that people and cars jump out of.) KITT frets, as do Sarah and Alex in HQ, but Mike assures them that this is what's supposed to happen. Then he takes off his ear thingy and tells KITT to turn off as he gets out.
So, naturally the scene involves Mike, who is tied to a chair, getting beat up by a blonde. A little something for the ladies! He taunts her by telling her she's dropping her lead hand. So she kicks him in the gullet. He compliments her smile, which is repaid with a boot to the head. Boot to the head! [Yah-yah! - Z] KITT informs HQ that Mike's endorphin levels indicate that he's getting beat up. He helpfully includes a heat-vision display of the room, complete with "PROBABILITY OF INTERNAL INJURY" (29.4%). Alex tells KITT not to intervene, which seems to make Sarah sad.
Back in the tent where Mike's getting tortured, Moss is spraying Mike with a firehose in the face. Eventually, Mike needs to breathe, so he says he'll tell them who he is and what he's doing there. When the hose is turned off, he claims to have forgotten. Then he asks for some water, just to show that he's a tough guy. Moss turns the hose back on. Finally, a well-dressed man enters the room and describes the blonde as "my girl." Oh, and he's willing to talk with Mike.
In something that looks like an office, Cooperton goes over Mike's cover's details. They trade military talk for a while until Mike passes a test of some sort by knowing that the 337th was in South Korea, not Iraq. Cooperton goes on about freedom. "Live free or die. That... is.... America." Well, New Hampshire. Mike acts like he's into it, and that seems to be all Cooperton needs.
, Michael sits in an outhouse and digs his ear thingy out of his calf using a key. They couldn't have put a small knifeblade on his keyring? That would be totally in-character. [I'm actually surprised they gave him back his keys, so I guess a keyring with a knife on it wouldn't be beyond the logic of this show. Or maybe it's the outhouse key? - Z] After wiping the thingy off on his jeans (because hygiene is important!), he sticks the thingy back in his ear and chats with KITT. The plan is to do recon tonight. And when the conversation's over, Mike leaves the outhouse only to see the blonde, wondering who he's talking to. They have a weird conversation where she accuses him of being PTSD, he says she's hearing voices, and he accuses her of liking to hurt people. "Why?" she says. "You wanna get hurt?" She takes a swing at him, which he dodges. Then he punches her in the face, which you don't see that often. After a bit of fighting, he gets the upper hand. He doesn't do anything to make her less suspicious. In fact, as Mike walks away, KITT asks if he thinks she bought it. "We'll find out," says Mike. She's right there! Six feet away! You could at least make up some nonsense about "subvocalizing" or something!
In the rec room (the basketball court, but with some pads on the floor), Zoe orders Billy to hit her. Man, there's a lot of woman-hitting in this episode. Not in this particular scene, though, because Billy's useless. Also, he's leery about hitting a woman. Zoe does the standard line about how he won't be hitting her; he'll just be trying to. Then she calls him a bitch, which gets him all riled up. One flaily swing by Billy later, he's on the floor with Zoe straddling him, leaning on his throat, and lecturing him about combat techniques. [And he looks like he would have been happy with any two of those three things, as long as one of them was Zoe straddling him. - Z]
Back at the boring main story, Mike sneaks out of his tent at night. There are guys with guns patrolling the compound, but KITT uses satellite-vision to help Mike escape their view. [It's like a really boring Metal Gear Solid. - Z] So Mike gets to Cooperton's tent/office without difficulty. He flips open the laptop and we immediately cut to Sarah in HQ, who is filling out a "Birthday Wishes" list. It includes Thai Cooking Class, Diving Watch, Decathlon 8 Mountain Bike, and Date With "Someone." Does she mean Mike? I think maybe this episode was supposed to take place earlier. Like before the pilot, maybe. Anyway, Mike has to tell her to get back to work, so she starts uploading something that will penetrate the laptop's firewall or something. She crosses out "Date with 'Someone'". KITT reports that the firewall is down as Mike takes a pistol from the desk drawer. He also looks speculatively at a large, ostentatious watch as he asks KITT to find documents that describe what Cooperton is up to. He also wants schematics of the compound. I'm not sure "schematics" is the right word for "a bunch of tents on some dirt." Mike also examines some Armani suits and French wine before telling Sarah that it doesn't add up for this guy to have such rich tastes and be drinking wine from outside the country. Sarah writes down the name of the wine on her birthday list and tells KITT to search the computer for personnel files, including for Cooperton himself.
KITT says that there are traces of explosives in a truck at the other end of the compound, so Mike goes to check it out. All those gun-toting guys must have finished their patrols, since there's no one around to notice. Huh. So Mike climbs into the back of a truck in another tent and discovers... a pile of pallets. KITT claims there must have been a large amount of explosives to leave such a big chemical fingerprint. Mike tells KITT to tap into the compound's video surveillance files, which seems like the sort of thing they could have done from back home. In fact, their satellite view was good enough that there wasn't really any need for any of this. KITT tells Mike that someone is approaching, so he needs to leave. Mike pulls his new pistol and is ambushed by the blonde lady. They tussle, and before you know it, they're both pointing guns at each other.
Blondie adopts a British accent and claims to be Cassandra Banks from MI6. To continue the "irrelevant research" theme, I looked up the actress, Kristen Bush. She's from Kansas. I mention that because I'm paranoid about insulting someone's fake accent only to find out that it's their real voice. MI6 has been tracking Banks for over a year, which makes me wonder why they never got around to doing anything. They banter uninterestingly for a while to establish that she doesn't know what Cooperton's target is. Then we pull back to see Cooperton watching them both on a monitor. [The tents all have cameras? Why hasn't someone been monitoring them this whole time? - Z] He tells Moss to go deal with this, and to take her alive, if he can. Mike and Cass continue to talk for a while as she says that she had to cut off communications with HQ six months ago. Finally, KITT tells them that goons are on the way and will be there in ten seconds. They duck out of the tent to where KITT is waiting, and there's that scene where she gasps that no one is driving the car. With a little effort, that could be this show's "It's bigger on the inside!" Finally, they get in. Boy, how big is this compound? It's been awhile since goons were told to handle this. Oh, there they are. Cassandra is amazed to be talked to by a car.
KITT takes off, with Hummers giving chase. KITT reports that the road is mined, so he adopts evasive maneuvers. Said "maneuvers" involve driving directly down the middle of the road while explosions go off on either side. KITT suggests transforming into a more agile shape, and promptly hits a mine, which sends him pinwheeling through the air. Of course, because KITT is only vulnerable to mines while in mid-transformation, so it makes perfect sense that he'd keep going while in the middle of a minefield. He certainly couldn't, say, use Turbo Boost to jump all the way over the mines. Or use his X-ray vision to see the mines and avoid them. Or stop, transform into an off-road vehicle, and then go off into the woods. No, he had to choose the one option that would result in becoming disabled. Nice going, genius computer! Mike and Cassandra flee, although Mike doesn't want to leave KITT to the bad guys. What, does he think they're going to torture KITT? I'm not sure waterboarding works on a car. In fact, having KITT sitting in the middle of the compound sounds ideal, what with the remote control of computers and X-Ray vision and all that. We don't really need Mike at all. He's essentially ballast.
The bad guys find KITT empty. Cooperton's orders are that Mike and Cassandra be shot on sight.
KITT claims the mine must have "breached a vulnerability" and he'll have to reboot. Mike stands still and continues to squabble with KITT while Cassandra is remarkably calm considering that Mike is apparently jabbering to himself. Finally, Mike gets KITT to give him a plan ("Go south", which is also how to get from "West of House" to "South of House" in Zork 1) and he and Cassandra run through the trees. We see some CGI of KITT's rebooting process, and it appears to involve physically exchanging one chip for another deep in KITT's CGI innards. Seriously, it's like Tron in there.
The escape route ends suddenly at a cliff edge. Sarah and KITT encourage Mike to jump. Mike doesn't want to, because he supposedly has a fear of water or something. This conversation takes awhile, and Cassandra is once again remarkably patient with the guy shouting at nothing. The bad guys are taking a surprisingly long time to catch up. Zoe and Billy are in the scene, but they're just looking worried instead of advancing their alleged subplot. KITT claims there's an extreme probability of injury and only a 30% chance of survival even if they get across the river. They jump. Cooperton shows up with his crew and helpfully explains that the current will take them "downstream." Thanks!
KITT tells Sarah that the ear thingy must have been damaged and that he's lost track of Mike. If they don't get warm, though, hypothermia will soon set in. We see Mike and Cassandra, now dripping wet, walk out from behind a tree. Seriously? We don't even get to see some stuntmen in the river? Feh. Cassandra's ankle is broken or something, so she pulls her pistol and says she'll stay and fight off the people chasing them. Mike will have none of that, and says that they need to take off their clothes. You know, for a couple of people desperately escaping, they do an awful lot of standing still. And stripping. KITT can somehow tell that they need to be getting warm, and we see the two of them all nekkid and entwined in a cave or something. There is no mention of the people still supposedly chasing them. Cassandra wants to confess her sins, but Mike assures her she's not dying. Then he talks about how he can't remember things. They bond. [And make out. - Z]
KITT reports that he has video, and Sarah cuts him off before he can explain his concerns. Man, I hate that narrative trick where Person A doesn't let Person B finish for no reason other than to get to the plot point. Sarah (Person A) is, of course, a bit taken aback to see the heat-vision view of Mike and Cassandra entwined and rubbing each other all over. Even Zoe doesn't say anything, which I think is a bit out of character for her. After a pause, though, Sarah is all business and tells KITT to redirect power from video back to repairs. I'm not sure that makes any sense, you know. How exactly is KITT fixing himself? Nanobots? Even if that made sense, the power they're using seems like it would be different from the power used for long-range heat-vision. Or, for that matter, long-distance phone conversations. [Maybe KITT also powers the satellites? - Z]
The morning, I guess, Mike and Cassandra are fully clothed, and Mike is helping Cassandra limp. The ear thingy is working fine now, because Sarah can grill Mike on where they are (nearly at the evacuation point, although I'm not sure how Mike knows that). Mike thinks it's weird that Cooperton's men disappeared. KITT shows up in Regular KITT mode (I'd call it Klassic KITT, but that would be the car from the original show) and Cassandra is not impressed. She calls KITT a Matchbox car, which naturally gets Mike (and the Ford Motor Company) all defensive about the iconic nature of the Ford Mustang. Mike mutters that no one ever wrote a song about a Bentley, which might well be true. Once they're inside and chasing after the Hummer convoy, Mike insists on KITT going real fast to impress his new girl, even though KITT protests that it's a waste of energy. It's a political metaphor, I think. Incidentally, I've just noticed that no one ever wears a seat belt in KITT. I guess that's why there's always a voice saying "restraint systems activated", but it still seems like a bad idea.
KITT's ability to search files is conveniently operational, and he reports that Cooperton (hey! I was spelling it right!) and Moss are bank robbers, which strikes everyone as odd.
The convoy splits up, with one truck taking the high road to a dam and everyone else taking the low road. [ I was inspired to do some unnecessary research, myself, on the "Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial Dam." Sadly, it's not real. - Z] KITT follows the truck and reports that it's being steered by remote control. KITT tries to jam the controls and gets up close enough for Mike to climb out on the hood and jump inside. There's a large bomb with three wires, one of which must be cut. And there's less than 30 seconds before the timer goes off! Billy says that the black wire is usually the one to cut. But there's only white, yellow, and blue!
Everyone shouts various colors of wire, and with ten seconds to go, Billy and Sarah blurt "Redwhite! Whitered! White! It's white!" at each other. Mike cuts the white wire, and everything is fine. Well, that wasn't dramatically satisfying at all, really. They just cut the wire at random and got lucky. What's the point of that? They couldn't have had some sort of technological reason for their choice? Maybe KITT could have had an upgrade that let him distinguish between ground wires and current-bearing ones? Or Cassandra could have heard something earlier in the episode that told her about how the bad guy always likes to use the white wire instead of the black one. Something like that, to tie the moment into the story. Instead of this, which was "We have a one in three chance of not blowing up. Hooray, we won!" Blah. And the only options were white, yellow, and blue, so why were Billy and Sara saying "red"? This scene stinks.
Okay, so the wire gets cut just in time for the LED countdown to get to "1". What an innovative and unusual development! I've certainly never seen that before. KITT's remote control override finally kicks in and stops the truck. It does not appear to have actually been on top of the dam at any point, so that's another reason this scene was completely pointless. The truck and KITT screech to a stop, and Mike comments that he can now take "riding a one-megaton bomb" off his bucket list. Sarah finally establishes that the Federal Reserve is moving a huge amount of gold today, so now we know what we're here for. KITT says that this will be the biggest gold heist in U.S. history if it succeeds. I'm not sure the word "heist" really fits the KITT persona.
KITT zooms to the Federal Reserve Bank of Phoenix, where the robbery is taking place. The goon-filled hummers are on one side of the parking lot, and KITT is on the other side. All the goons pile out and point machine guns at Mike, who has mysteriously gotten out of his bulletproof supercar. Mike stands to KITT and cockily tells him to transform to attack mode. In front of everybody? I thought we were going to keep under cover for once. [Also, why didn't you turn into attack mode when you were trying to catch a convoy of explosives and/or impress a lady? - Z] KITT pops out his rocket launchers and blows up the Hummers, and the cops show up to take everyone away. Cooperton is actually a pretty good sport about the whole thing, complimenting Mike on his nice car and just glancing at Cassandra as he's led away in handcuffs. Cassandra thanks Mike and kisses him, which Sarah sees on the big HQ screen. Billy and Zoe are uncharacteristically silent.
In the rec room, Billy finally takes Zoe down, which gives him the confidence to go punch that bully in the nose. Zoe suggests that he take her out for a drink instead, but it turns out she was just kidding. Or was she? She's crazy and unprofessional, but she's a lot more interesting than any of the alleged stars of this show. I say they should just let Bruce Davison and Sydney Poitier stay wherever they are and start giving Zoe and Billy a lot more screen time. Like, more than Mike and KITT. Zoe wiggles her butt as she leaves.
KITT is concerned about Sarah staying in her pod all night. Actually, he says, "I thought it was customary to mark the day of one's birth with family and friends." Quit talking like that! Sarah's bummed out, so KITT plays her some audio of Mike pointedly not making out with Cassandra. Now she's feeling better, and Mike calls her up to meet him in the main HQ room. He's decorated KITT's circly things with Christmas lights and wishes her a happy birthday. And he got her one of those bottles of wine she wanted! So now she's delighted, and they go for a ride in KITT. Which seems inappropriate. [And a lot like work. - Z] Oh, and "Mustang Sally" is playing, in case anyone didn't notice what kind of car KITT is.
week: No new episode, because politics is very, very important. And we're done here anyway, since this show is going to Permanent Hiatus. I'll miss you all! [Monty, it's been real. - Z]
Don't cry, kids -- say your goodbyes in our forums, then see what's on television tonight that's not preposterous in Going Through Channels!
Montykins is going to be in Germany week, so he'll try to find out what the center of David Hasselhoff Fandom thinks of this show. Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.