Welcome back to the show that Matt Roush called "the worst show of the century"! Are you excited? Well, what if I told you that the show starts this week with Michael creeping up on KITT while obnoxious swooshy music emphasizes every unnecessary camera move? Yeah, I thought that'd get your attention. Unfortunately, it's just a game of squirt guns (in the extremely high-tech sterile lab!), in which KITT provides Michael with reconnaissance so he can get the drop on Billy. But Billy has enlisted the help of one of the laser-cleaning robots (creepily named Lisa), so he has Michael cold. Until KITT rolls down his windows so they can shoot at each other through the very expensive car. Yeah. That happened.
Finally, Sarah shows up to put a stop to the shenanigans. And Alex also yells at them. It's time for a plot! There's something about terrorism and weapons systems smuggling, which seems like it's happened before on this show. But instead of Michael having to infiltrate a drag-racing gang, now he's going to have to go down to Baja and pretend to be a surfer. I'm saving you a lot of nonsense about RFID chips here. Anyway, Michael has some kind of hang-up about water, which Sarah thinks is because of a bully named Lilly Mulraney in grade school.
Michael wants an agent to go with him who knows how to surf. The first name he throws out there is on a job in Washington D.C. (so they have other operatives? I'd wondered about that, you know, because of the way they keep assigning Michael and KITT to jobs that don't seem to actually require a supercar), but then Zoe notices that the surf footage on the Big Screen features, as she puts it, "sick swells". See, I told you she was an adrenaline junkie. Give her half a chance, and she'll be slamming a Dew while riding a unicycle out the back of a helicopter. Or something. So Zoe's going on the mission! Sarah's worried about this and tries to convince Alex that Zoe is too wacky to go on an undercover mission. But she surfs and speaks Spanish, says Alex, and that's all they need. Alex tells Michael and Zoe that they'll be Devin and Bonnie, a honeymooning couple. It looked to me like he was making that up on the fly, which doesn't seem like the best way to establish a paper trail. Don't the fake documents require a little time to get put together, especially if you're going to a different country?
Someone has strapped surfboards onto KITT's back. Er, "top". You know what I mean. Sarah is trying to teach Michael the Spanish for "I have lost my coworker. She is kind of crazy." You know, I'm glad the people on the show have noticed how inappropriately Zoe acts. And there she is in a bikini! Well, that didn't take long. She and Michael enter KITT, and we're off.
I do like the twist on the old theme song they're using.
Welcome to Baja! Do you like beaches? How about girls in bikins? How about slow motion? How about Zoe blathering about how "my fakies could use some work, but my laybacks are solid." Right on, um, Jackson. 23 Skidoo? Michael tries to bond with her by saying "Hang 10," but apparently she doesn't like his awkward, fake slang. KITT butts in to say that they're nearly to their destination, which is the hotel "El Surfer". Seriously. Meanwhile, Zoe "gets into character" by leaning into Michael all in her bikini and all. When suddenly! Sarah's on the windshield-phone, and I guess there's supposed to be some awkwardness. And there is, but I think it's just because of the stilted dialogue and stiff acting. Alex orders Michael and Zoe to put KITT on full "find the RFID chip in the missing guy" mode, but approves Zoe's plan to get fish tacos and margaritas first. Sarah's appalled, but Alex is delighted that they're getting into character. Then he tells Sarah to get back to work on researching Agent MacGuffin.
The El Surfer is adobe and features vaguely flamenco background music. Michael is a little worried that their room has only one room. Zoe makes Michael uncomfortable by, in order, straddling him, talking about tequila, and being dressed in a bikini. KITT has found the homing beacon, though, so it's time for them to go right out to the car, which no longer has surfboards on it. KITT says that the homing beacon is coming from a car over there (fine, not "over there"; "20 yards to your 2:00," happy?), but he can't guarantee that the missing agent is in there because he doesn't have a visual. Oh, for the first time, KITT can't just commandeer a passing satellite and get high-resolution real-time images? Then it's time for a low-speed chase as Michael and Zoe follow the mystery car. And a dude watches from the shadows.
Actually, the chase is a little faster than I expected. This is where Zoe shouts "Burn rubber, KITT!" in a way that suggests she's already gotten into the tequila. The chase suddenly terminates in an ambush, featuring machine guns and a rocket launcher of some sort. KITT gets as far as "Prepare for --" before the rocket hits. After the explosion, there is no sign of KITT. So I guess I get to knock off early tonight? The guy with the rocket launcher walks up and studies the scorched spot on the ground as we go to commercial. There's a cliff going down to the beach. I mention that to set up a "cliffhanger" joke, but I'm not sure it's worth it. Let's just skip ahead to where we learn that KITT jumped into the ocean somehow, and now they're in submarine mode or something. [Michael seems pretty calm here, given that he prefers dry land. - Zach] The rocket was apparently incredibly advanced. Also, Agent MacGuffin (whose name is really Turner, but I like my name better) withdrew two million dollars recently, so everyone's sure he's gone rogue.
KITT drives out of the ocean onto the land, but only one kid sees him. I'm sure that was totally inconspicuous. No time to wonder what "going undercover" means to these people, though, because it's time for another scene where KITT wrestles with those complicated human emotions. Short version: KITT thinks Michael should go have sex with Zoe, but Michael thinks that's a bad idea. It totally is, unless you're hoping to end up with some interesting new scars. So Michael goes to sleep inside KITT, which is also a little weird.
The morning, Zoe and Michael are showing Agent MacGuffin's picture around. Shouldn't they be surfing a little? It's nice that KITT's helping out with a voice stress analyzer, though. Michael gets accosted by three beach toughs and has to administer a whuppin'. Said whuppin' is going poorly until the shadowy dude from before (the one who watched the chase start earlier, remember?) shows up, claiming to be named "Skyler." He notices Michael's tattoo (which everyone always does, which makes me wonder who thought he'd be good at undercover work) and Michael, Zoe and Skyler start drinking tequila. Skyler eventually excuses himself and encourages them to come visit him at some secret surfing location. Zoe and Michael were not fooled by the "mysterious stranger who just happens to show up as the hero is getting attacked" ploy (that old chestnut!), so they have KITT check the fingerprints Skyler left on a bottle of Corona. The fingerprint scanner is the same thing that printed out the party invitation in the last episode.
He turns out to be an explosives expert who got a dishonorable discharge along with his whole unit. And I was spelling "Skyler" correctly! Zoe says, "I knew he was bad. Makes him even hotter." You know, she's a lot duller in the field. When she's sitting in HQ giggling about her colleagues almost dying, she's got something. But here, she's just kind of boring. At least she's got the bikini. I'm not sure that's enough to make up for "Dude. We rock!" though. Anyway, they decide that Skyler's gang of four is the one that ambushed and then jumped them. [Not a huge leap of logic for the latter, since their pictures are all on KITT's windshield. - Zach] And then they make out.
The morning, Michael awakens with a headache. And Billy and Sarah are at the door! They've figured out that Agent MacGuffin had a radio implant in his ear that will let them track him. They couldn't have called? They thought it would be easier to fly the two of them down to Mexico? That doesn't come up, because Zoe takes the opportunity to sit up in the bed and says "Last night was epic." Aaaaand I think she's naked. Commercials!
Say, is it just me or does Crusoe seem to have an awful lot of people in it for a show about a guy stranded all alone on a desert island for forty years?
Okay, we're back. Sarah and Michael are doing the inevitable "Nothing happened! I swear!" "I don't care if anything happened!" dance. Zoe throws in a nice twist with "At least nothing I remember," but it's still pretty generic. Zoe tries to bond with Billy about how fun it is to be in "the field", but Billy misses the safety of "the KITT Cave". Yeah, I'm not calling it that. Michael convinces Sarah that maybe Agent MacGuffin is involved with the terror cell they think they've unearthed, so it's off to the secret beach. Michael and Zoe grab the boards, leaving Billy and Sarah alone. Billy claims to be getting hives.
Skyler is standing in an extremely manly fashion with his thumbs tucked inside the waistband of his wetsuit, which is already peeled down off his torso. If it's peeled down any more, this show will be on cable. Zoe gives Michael an incomprehensible, slang-filled pep talk, and Skyler and Michael go off to look at the beach. We see someone wipe out dramatically (to the sound of a Wilhelm Scream, which always makes me happy), and Michael flinches a little but still seems willing to go out into the water. Back at KITT, Billy has this thing where he envies Sarah for being able to both operate computers (like him) and go outside (like the cool kids). Then KITT reports hat the tracking signal is less than 100 yards away, so off they zoom.
Michael and Skyler are out in the ocean and having ex-army chat. Skyler talks in ocean metaphors and I think what's happening here is that Michael is pretending that he wants to get into the illegal weapon smuggling business. A giant wave shows up and Skyler hits Michael with a backfist. Skyler surfs away and Michael asks KITT how to stand up on a surfboard. KITT's advice ("Just stand up") is not all that useful, and Michael wipes out almost immediately. Nice undercover work!
At the beach, Sarah and Billy have followed Skyler to a beat-up RV, while Zoe helps Michael stagger to his feet. KITT turns on the X-Ray, Infrared and Penetrating Radar. What, is he going to give the RV cancer? Oh, I kid. He's just seeing through walls. And using a parabolic microphone. It turns out that Skyler's crew has Agent MacGuffin's wife. The picture and audio cut out, which makes Sarah freak out a little. KITT gently suggests that she could try getting out of the car and looking through a window to see what's happening. Then he says the windows are too high for her, so Billy has to do it. What? They can't find her a box somewhere?
Billy creeps up to the RV in an incredibly conspicuous fashion and gets caught by Skyler but escapes. He tells Sarah, and then the rest of the cast, that he saw Knight Industries technology. Sarah's father (you remember, Bruce Davison -- I'm sure his character has a name, but since he only gets two lines per episode and there are like 50 other regulars, it's hard to keep track of) tells us that it's a -generation stealth missile that can modify its attack profile based on its target. Billy points out that there's a chip in them that's supposed to recognize friendly targets, so it shouldn't have shot at KITT, anyway. There's more talk about what to do, and Alex pulls everyone back to HQ so we take a break for the "KITT drives into the hangar" scene that someone thinks is awesome.
Back at HQ, there's some banter between Billy and Zoe about field work before Alex starts shouting that Agent MacGuffin has used his security override in San Diego. Everybody get going! Attack Mode! They're going to drive there? No, not yet, because both Sarah and Zoe are demanding to go along. But KITT can only carry two passengers, so Michael has to decide who goes. If KITT were the Junior Prom, I think this would be an episode of The Brady Bunch. Zoe's argument is that it's her mission. Sarah's argument is that it's her car. It is? Man, I really need to watch the movie. They both sit in the passenger seat and Michael just has KITT close the door and takes off with all three of them in the car.
The RV stops on a desolate cliff, which HQ tells Michael means they're going to shoot a nuclear power plant in Coronado. I don't think there's a nuclear plant in Coronado, is there? An awesome hotel, yes, but not a nuclear plant. I'd actually be more worried about them blowing up the hotel. KITT is worried about a Chernobyl-like disaster, which I guess is fair. But the Hotel Del Coronado is where Some Like It Hot and The Stunt Man were shot. And I stayed there for the 2008 San Diego Comic Con and saw Rainn Wilson there. Whereas I'm pretty sure this nuclear plant is imaginary. So you tell me.
Oh! Right, the show. KITT roars through the desert. Michael is warned that KITT can't attack directly (not that we ever see "Attack Mode KITT" ever do any attacking; it's really just for driving faster) because the bad guys have four K-17 missiles, which I may have forgotten to mention is the name of the supermissile. Sorry about that.
KITT shows up and draws some attention, but backs away before a missile is fired. As the bad guys gloat, Michael shows up from nowhere and pummels them all, including the lady. But Skyler is on top of the RV, getting ready to launch it at the nuclear plant. And even though Michael has a gun on him, he still seems to think the twelve million dollars he's getting will be worth it. Even though it seems like he'll be at least arrested and probably dead. And just to keep things complicated, he claims to recognize Michael (which means that since Michael had that fake death, he's been recognized on every single mission) and calls him "Lieutenant." Michael lets Skyler talk for awhile, then shoots him. Too bad he waits until after Skyler shoots the missile.
As the missile streaks toward the nuclear plant, Sarah and Zoe argue about what to do. There's a countdown going on, and at four seconds to go, Sarah blurts out, "The amplifier!" KITT responds, in calm measured tones, "Using my amplifier to jam the missile's gyro chip will completely reverse the K-17's direction." Sarah answers, "It's either that or Chernobyl." KITT responds, "Scrambler amplification... now." That seems like a longer conversation than four seconds, doesn't it? Especially with the reaction shots in there. So the missile turns around and aims straight at the RV. Michael tries to get Skyler off the roof, but no dice. Does Michael jump to safety with an explosion behind him? What do you think?
To celebrate, we have another of those "zooming into the hangar" shots. There's a post-briefing, which involves Billy saying "I guess he'll be hanging ten... to twenty," which is such a lame line I expect to hear "Won't Get Fooled Again" after it.
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Montykins does not have a car that talks to him. Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.