By Michael Neal
Enter Chef Mike, who -- I learn as this episode continues -- looks perpetually as if he's just woken up. He's getting ridden hard by Dean because the food isn't any good. "Why ain't this food any good?" Dean ostensibly barks at him, and then picks up a nail gun, only to realize how utterly useless he is in this space known as the kitchen. One of Chef Mike's first revelations to the camera is, "Do I still have passion for food? No." Then we get a medley of his handiwork: Olde Towne dishes include a greenish, juicy (not in a good way) salad shaped like an oil-change funnel, there's some type of fish on the menu, and a big steel bowl of something.
We also meet Tom, the general manager. He admits to days where he doesn't even think of eating the food. I imagine him running on fumes at the end of a long double-shift, refusing to eat, holding out hope that the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru across the street will stay open. Another member of the team is Jeanie, the hostess, who laments the slow nights. We get a quick clip of her and Dean bickering at the bar like the two oldest prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch. Dean exclaims self-referentially, "Let everybody earn money and let Dean take it up the ass, as always." And it's not as if Dean has no reason to fret. He's not paranoid. He's behind on his mortgage and worried about foreclosure on his house. Barbara, his wife, enters his office to ask for dry cleaning money and Dean asks rhetorically, about all the banks and bill collectors who need money from him too. It doesn't help that he's got an unlit cigar in his hands as he chastises his wife for wanting clean clothes. I'm a quick study, and it seems like Mr. No Bucks wants to keep up appearances. Oh Goooordon!
Vroom! Vroom! Gordon Ramsay makes his first appearance of the episode on a slick-as-pie motorcycle like Tim Allen's in Wild Hogs, entering the fray like Kid Rock before a Detroit Pistons championship game. That is one tricked-out collection of gears and brakes. I bet it set Ramsay back a few tens of thousands at least. Move over, Mr. No Bucks, here comes the judge. Ramsay struts in wearing the leather jacket Tom Cruise pimped in War of the Worlds. He shakes hands with everyone. Jeanie is impressed by his blondness. Dean is impressed by all those Michelin restaurants under his belt. The others just peer at him, looking for a wand or something. Ramsay sits down to order from the menu, a smattering of this and that, trying to get an impression of the quality. Are we surprised to discover that assumed quality does not exist? The waiter informs Ramsay that the crab cakes are fresh so he starts with those. The crab cakes taste like sour mayonnaise, the tilapia with stuffed lobster is "pretty gross," and Ramsay even gets ethnic, observing, "When a Russian can't even cook a simple risotto it's a big worry." To top it off, the waiter stands over him smacking on a piece of Bubblicious. "Please don't make me eat anymore of this shit!" says Ramsay to camera. Dean furrows his brow. He doesn't like the criticism so far. The two sit down and discuss what was served. Turns out those crab cakes? Canned. Will the entire menu share a similar fate?
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