Wow, I can't believe Kingpin is over already! This show was exponentially more entertaining than I thought it would be, and I've had a blast recapping it. Thanks to all the usual suspects, especially Wing Chun. ["No, thank you." -- Wing Chun]
We open at the Casa de Queso and with a fairly graphic -- for NBC, certainly -- sex scene. You know, I'd certainly enjoy all this naked, sweaty, heaving Miguel more if he didn't look like this guy I used to work for, who was a real pain in the ass. Anyway, Miguel and Marlene are really getting it on, although she keeps trying to get him to look at her, and he keeps staring at the wall. Romantic, no? I suspect he has something on his mind. There's this hilarious pseudo-porn saxophone music playing in the background as Miguel...er, finishes up and collapses on Marlene's neck. No rest for the Morally and Ethically Conflicted, however, and he promptly...um, disengages and rolls off her. He lies on his back and stares sadly at the ceiling. Marlene looks concerned and turns over to rub his bare chest. He shakes her off and sits up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Miguel makes a morose face and reaches for his sleeping pills. Marlene rolls her eyes and grabs the bottle away from him. "Mickey, you have to call him," she whispers. "You can't go to sleep without talking to him." There's no more appropriate topic for post-coital conversation than your husband's Crazy, Hot, Scofflaw Brother Who Has a History of Staring Lustfully at Family Members of Either Sex. "Call him?" Miguel repeats, somewhat icily. He tells Marlene that he doesn't even know where Chato is. "Find him. You need your brother," Marlene persists. "I don't need him if he won't listen to me," Miguel brats. Marlene shakes her head. "Chato is who he is," she says. "You still need him." Miguel presses his lips together into a peeved little line. "If Chato wants to act on his own, without thinking about the rest of us, he'll have to survive on his own, and answer for whatever he does. I'm not going to protect him. I'm not going to support him. I won't give him shelter," Miguel sniffs. Marlene just looks exhausted. Why do I think they've been through this little dance before, if not to this extent?
Meanwhile, in an appropriately dimly lit and very dirty warehouse across town, Chato is very, very busy torturing police chief Lazareno, who is chained to the ceiling by his arms. Lazareno is probably regretting ordering Chato's anal rape right about now. Chato strolls over to Lazareno, swinging a kerosene lamp semi-cheerfully. He takes a swig of tequila and spits the entire mouthful into Lazareno's eyes. The police chief screams. Chato smiles and goes across the room to investigate all of his implements of torture: pliers, pieces of rusty wire, a hatchet. You know, the usual. He picks up an enormous butcher knife and waves it toward Lazareno. "Can you see okay?" Chato asks before putting down the knife. He takes a cigarette from behind his ear, puts it in his mouth, and proceeds to light it...with a blowtorch! A blowtorch! Behind him, Lazareno squirms in his chains. Chato grins slowly and walks over to his victim, the blowtorch blazing all the way. He leans into Lazareno, waving the flame menacingly, and we go to the credits.
The ads for my local news tonight include an hysterical promo for a news story titled, "The Return of the Chupacabra!" I don't think I need to tell you that my Mulder action figure is stoked.
In Houston, Delia waits alone in her car. It's the night of the raid, remember? As she waits, she has a series of flashbacks to the day Rafael Chappa killed her partner. Listen, Delia, I know that Agent's Patterson's death was traumatic for you, but you should really be happy that at least Joey Potter wasn't there, singing selections fromThe Carpenter's Greatest Hits. Finally, Delia kind of comes out of the flashback, twitches, and tries to pull herself together.
Nearby, the DEA team sits in an unmarked van and waits in their fancy bulletproof vests and matching caps. Doug Duffy shoves piece after piece of gum into his mouth.
Outside, Undercover Bobby grips a chain-link fence and vomits.
Inside the club, Shawn, Truck, and Rolando sit in the security room and wait for Bobby. Shawn calmly cuts a large pile of coke into neat little lines. Rolando smokes placidly. Truck races around nervously. Rolando tells his cousin to simmer down. "This is going to work," he says. Truck rubs his hands together. Rolando tells him that they just need to make sure Bobby isn't wearing a wire. "And if he's going to take a snort of cocaine, he won't be," he says. "I don't know if I can go through with this," Truck sputters. Rolando shoots him a look of pure hatred. "What?" he asks. Truck explains that if Bobby's a Fed, then the Nota Bada Bing is probably surrounded. He wipes his nose roughly. Rolando explains that all Truck has to tell the cops is that he didn't know Bobby was a Fed, and that when Bobby went for his gun, Rolando shot him. That way, it will be Rolando the Cop's word against a dead drugged-out guy. "Hey, we get Johnny Cochran, we can walk on this," he laughs. At this, Truck leaps up and races for the door. Rolando grabs him and yells at him to pull himself together. "You are not going down," he says, "because I am not going to let you take me down with you." Truck whimpers that he has to go to the bathroom, and runs. Rolando looks alarmed.
Outside, Bobby sits in the driver's seat of his car and takes a deep breath. He takes up his two-way radio, and tells Doug Duffy that he's ready to go in. "Tango One. Ready when you are," Doug Duffy radios in return. Bobby tells them that when he sees the dope, he'll hit the alert.
In her car, Delia stares at the radio and looks nervous.
Bobby walks into the club, which is as full as we've ever seen it. He looks very nervous. Behind him, a particularly bodacious stripper works the pole. Seriously, those girls have some impressive upper-body strength, or something. Bobby heads toward the back.
Security room. Bobby walks in, and Shawn and Truck immediately put their guns to his head. Rolando grins from his perch on a stool. Bobby's all, what the hey? "Do like Jesus," Rolando purrs. "Spread your arms like a cross and don't move. Check him, Shawn." Shawn pats Bobby down -- up to and including giving his junk a good once-over -- while Bobby pretends to be really, really offended that anyone could possibly think he was anything but a coke-addled two-bit crook hell-bent on unloading a worthless vanload of CDs. Shawn doesn't find a wire, but Rolando, grinning, soon unearths Bobby's Help Me! Help Me! Undercover Alert Pen/Alarm. Bobby's face falls. "Looks like the signal, huh?" Rolando says, pulling the pen apart. Bobby's face falls. "Damn," says Shawn, and Rolando calmly sits Bobby down and handcuffs him.
In her car, Delia nervously examines her watch. "It's been seven minutes. You want me to move in?" she radios. Doug Duffy tells her to sit tight and directs her to stay off the air. "Something's wrong. There should have been a signal already," Delia says. "Nothing's wrong, Flores," Doug Duffy groans. "He's just waiting for the dope." Delia puts her radio down and heaves a giant sigh.
Back in the Security Room of Torture and Interrogation, Rolando offers the handcuffed Bobby a nice snortful of coke, which Bobby refuses. "You want to kill me, then go ahead and kill me. This place is surrounded," he says. He asks Truck if he really wants to kill a federal agent. Truck nervously shifts his weight. "That's the death penalty. You know that, right?" Bobby asks. Rolando puts his gun right to Bobby's neck and tells him he had better snort some cocaine right now. Truck can't take any of this and nervously runs to the bathroom. Bobby sniffs that if Truck has any sense, he's heading for the door. Rolando tells Shawn to fetch Truck. "When the radio team hits, it's just going to be you two fools and a dead agent," Bobby blusters. Way to think positive, dude. Rolando screams at Shawn to find Truck. Shawn blinks. Being a drug dealer is hard work!
In the car, Delia flares her nostrils. She smells disaster. Again. She radios that she's going in. "Flores, you do and you are finished. You copy?" Doug Duffy asks, leaping to his feet in the van. "I can't hear you, you're breaking up," Delia lies and sets the radio down on the passenger seat. Doug Duffy is still yammering about the importance of her waiting for his signal and whatnot, but she just gets out of the car and heads for the club. In Doug Duffy's Van of Misguided Authority Figures, another agent asks if they ought to get ready to go. Doug Duffy tells them all to sit tight. "That is an order," he snaps.
Truck throws water on his face and stares at himself in the Nota Bada Bing's bathroom mirror. Shawn comes in with a terse "Yo." "Look, man, my cousin done lost his damn mind," Truck responds. It does my heart good to see that my favorite cheerful drug dealer isn't really stoked about killing a federal agent in cold blood. Shawn tells him that they're sort of in too deep to turn back now. Truck suggests that they turn themselves in, "get some high-powered lawyers, and pray." Shawn would really rather just shoot Bobby, he says. He doesn't particularly want to go to Federal Pound You in the Ass Prison. He reminds Truck that Bobby totally set them up. "I know, man, I know!" Truck groans. "So why are you hesitating?" Shawn asks. "We can do this man, just like that. We can do this! We can go in there and we can waste this bumpy right now." It's quite a pep talk. It's like halftime of the Murder Bowl. Truck rubs his nose as Shawn yelps that they just need to get psyched. "Are you ready? I don't hear you dog," he says. Truck finally gets with the program. "Yeah, we can do this!" he finally yells, like "this" is "beat our crosstown rivals, even though we're down by 12 and have six minutes left in the game," rather than "go back and shoot a federal agent in the face."
Speaking of Bobby, he's trying to work some psychological mojo on Rolando. "Rolando, I don't have nothing on you," he says, claiming that he'd never heard of him until today. "Sorry, Brother Man," Rolando says. "But if Truck goes down, he tells everything and I cannot do time. You know what they do to cops in the joint, don't you?" He cocks his gun. A bead of sweat runs down Bobby's big bald head. "You probably got coke in your veins anyway," Rolando continues, coming over and putting the barrel of the gun to the base of Bobby's neck. "When a prosecutor finds that out, he's gonna know he can't get a conviction. So he won't even try." He gets up and crosses the room, and Bobby sneaks a glance at the security monitors just in time to see Delia enter the club. Rolando looks, too. Dum dum dum dum!
Delia stands in the middle of the club, breathing nervously. She walks right up to a bouncer-type guy and flashes her badge. "DEA. Where's Truck? Where's Truck Thomas?" she asks. And, speak of the devil, Truck and Shawn happen to be walking into the room right at this very moment. Delia spies them and draws her gun. "DEA! Get down!" she yells. All the patrons scream and throw themselves on the floor. Heathen and I just went down to Central Casting and signed ourselves up to be extras, and I really, really want to work for a production that involves gunplay, so I can scream and hit the floor without actually having to be in a robbery or raid of some sort. All the fun and none of the bloodshed, you know? Truck hits the floor immediately, telling Delia to hold on and screaming at her not to shoot. Shawn, on the other hand, just stands there. "Get down! You wanna die?" Delia asks him. He slowly follows suit...just as Rolando runs out of the back room. "Police! Drop your weapon!" he yells. "DEA! Drop it!" Delia retorts. "You're not DEA. You're trying to rip them off," Rolando says. "Now, drop that weapon now!" Delia tells him to drop his weapon. He says she needs to drop hers, and we continue in this vein for several minutes. While Rolando and Delia are going back and forth, Shawn grabs his own gun. "Get on the floor," Delia grits, frustrated. "You're surrounded." And then there's a whole lot of shooting and it's all very confusing. I have to watch this scene three times to figure out what just happened. It appears that Delia sees Shawn go for his piece out of the corner of her eye, and plugs Rolando. As Rolando stumbles backward, his gun discharges. She then turns and shoots Shawn. Dude, she's kind of a bad-ass.
Delia races over to Shawn and Truck and forces Truck to handcuff himself to Shawn. Truck -- who has, I believe, actually peed his pants -- is only too happy to oblige.
Delia bursts into the room where Bobby is handcuffed. "We're good," he tells her, as she races over and uncuffs him. Behind them on the monitors, the DEA team swarms into the club. "The team is in, Bobby. It's over," Delia tells him. Bobby just sobs. Delia seems a little surprised by this reaction. She blinks.
Miguel Dream-O-Vision. He and Joey are on an otherwise empty train. "Is that Tio Jorge?" Joey asks, pointing toward a man slouched in a seat several rows up. Indeed, it is. Complete with a bloody, gross head wound. Joey cheerfully suggests that they go visit with him. "No, no, Joey. You stay right here. You do not move," Miguel says. He slides out of his chair and walks over to see Old Head Wound. "You know, your father never wanted this for you," Tio Jorge says. "He thought you would grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer." Miguel listens. "This is fucked up. We need psychotherapy," his Mole muses. Behind them, Joey slides out of his seat and starts creeping over toward his father and uncle. Tio Jorge bursts into laughter and grabs Miguel by the arms. While Miguel is distracted, Joey disappears. "Don't trust anybody," Tio Jorge tells him. "Not even your own family. Don't trust anybody." My Mulder action figure snorts. "Yeah, I've heard that one," he says. As for Miguel, he wakes from his dream with a start.
Over to the hotel. Miguel's talking to a Never Previously Seen Tertiary Bodyguard-Type Character. Let's call him, oh, say, Morton. Morton tells Miguel that no one has seen Chato in days. Miguel really would like to find him "before the police do." He tells Morton to search every hideout Chato's ever used, explaining that if they haven't found Lazareno's body, Lazareno might still be alive. Morton opens his mouth to say something -- probably "okay" -- but before he can say anything, the office door slams open and the Senator bursts in. Predictably, the Senator is not really happy about how Chato's kidnapped his cousin and dragged him off to torture him with rusty and/or fiery objects. Miguel insists that he had absolutely nothing to do with the police chief's disappearance. Other than, you know, basically goading Chato into going all freelance because he wouldn't recognize that getting raped by several prison guards was probably extremely traumatic. By way of greeting, the Senator just spits on the floor. I'm going to start doing that, just to be dramatic. Although, on second thought, spitting on the floor is not really ladylike, and I might miss and hit my feet and that's just gross. Where was I going that that? Ah, yes! The Senator. "You're nothing but low-class trash. Like your uncle and your grandfather before that," he says. Miguel's nostrils flare, and he insists that he wants to find Lazareno as much as the Senator does. The Senator tells him he had better, or the Senator will "unleash the entire government on [Miguel]." Miguel doesn't look particularly alarmed. "When I am finished with you, you will be begging in the streets to feed your family," the Senator says. I find that doubtful, really. He might end up in jail, sure, but Miguel went to, like, Stanford or something, and Marlene is an attorney. I'll bet they could manage to feed themselves. "You've been warned," the Senator finishes, and stomps off dramatically. Miguel says nothing. "Whatever," his Mole sniffs.
This cues up the Montage of When the Government Is Pissed At You, They'll Arrest All the Employees of Your Cartel and Burn All Your Precious, Precious Drugs And There's Nothing You Can Do About It, Because the Mexican Government Is Corrupt and When You Kidnap the Senator's Nephew Just Because He Ordered Your Brutal Prison Rape, You're Probably Going to Pay For It Even If It's Not Technically Legal, What They're Doing, But Also, You're a Drug Dealer, So What Kind of Recourse Do You Really Have, Anyway?
Over to the hotel. I'm sort of sad that I never came up with any kind of clever name for it. Sniff. It's all ending so soon! Miguel sits in his darkened office and stares plaintively at the wall. Tio Beto comes bursting in the room. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "The government goes to war against us and you sit here in the dark?" Miguel just sits there in silence. I think he's a little depressed. That happens, I guess, when the government goes to war against you and your beloved brother has run off to torture a guy who had him assaulted while he was in prison on a trumped-up charge. "Get up!" Tio Beto yells. As Miguel stands up to greet his uncle, the camera pans across the photographs on his desk. One of them is a beautiful black and white shot of Chato and Miguel with their arms around each other. It's a nice, subtle moment. "Where is Chato?" Tio Beto asks. Miguel starts to say that he doesn't have any idea, and Tio Beto smacks him, hard, across the face. I must admit that I totally gasped when I saw that. "I don't know where he is," Miguel repeats calmly. "And I thought you could lead La Corporacion," Tio Beto sniffs. "You can't even control your own brother." "Nobody can control him," Miguel says. Tio Beto rolls his eyes. "And what is the answer to that?" Tio Beto asks. "You're not stupid, Miguel." Miguel just looks at him, as Tio Beto complains that he can't even get his friends in Mexico City to take his calls. "There is only one thing we can do to put a stop to this," Tio Beto finally says. Miguel shakes his head. "Chato must be killed," Tio Beto tells him. "No!" I scream. "No! No!" the action figures yell, in their little tinny plastic voices. "I say no, Tio," Miguel repeats. "You say no?" Tio Beto asks, and raises his hand for another smack. Miguel grabs him. "Para tus machos, Tio," he says. They stare at each other for another long moment. Hector sticks his head in the room, presumably to make sure that Tio Beto isn't strangling his boss. Miguel assures him that everything is fine, then tells his uncle that it's too late for him to take over: "It's too late, Tio. We handle this my way." Tio Beto snorts that someone had better handle it before it's too late. They do some more muy macho staring, and then Tio Beto leaves.
Houston. Dr. Benben is multi-tasking, simultaneously taking care of some grocery shopping and interviewing a professional bodyguard. The bodyguard is more interested in checking out their fellow shoppers than he is in talking to Dr. Benben. He distractedly tells Dr. Benben that it's his first week working as a professional bodyguard, but that he worked as a sheriff for eight years. He explains this while staring at the rack of a blonde over by the bananas. Dr. Benben nods and begins to investigate the melon selection. "Should I not be talking?" he asks after a moment. "Really, is it a distraction? Because I know part of your job is to be alert to your surroundings." The bodyguard sniffs that he can talk if he wants. Dr. Benben thinks about this, then agrees that it might be strange not to talk. "How does that usually go?" he asks. The bodyguard just gives him a put-upon look. "Right," Dr. Benben says. "It's my first week," the bodyguard repeats. "It's your first week," Dr. Benben echoes. He wanders over to the tomatoes and is halfway into a diatribe about how they taste like tennis balls when a report on the television mounted above the broccoli catches his attention. He walks over to the TV, as if in a dream, still holding a tomato, when he hears the words "Truck Thomas" and "long-term drug investigation" in the same sentence. Dr. Benben looks stricken.
Dr. Benben enters his apartment, groceries in hand, to find the stereo blasting. He calls for Junie and eventually finds him in the kitchen. "You ain't going to believe who got locked up," Junie says by way of greeting. "What did I say about the stereo?" Dr. Benben responds. Junie snorts and starts digging through the bags. "I told him that dude was an undercover!" he crows, quite pleased with himself. Dr. Benben stares at him. "Why didn't you tell me that?" he spits. "I wasn't working for you. I was working for Truck," Junie explains, as though this should be very obvious. He tosses a chocolate chip cookie in his mouth and goes to the fridge. He wonders why the good doctor looks so worried. "Think he going to give you up?" he asks, taking a carton of milk out of the fridge and taking a swig. Dr. Benben makes a sarcastic thoughtful face. "To get a better deal for himself? Gee, what do you think?" he asks. Truck shrugs. "They ain't find no drugs," he explains calmly, if not particularly grammatically. Junie does think the two of them ought to "lay low" until things cool down, though. "We could take a vacation," he says. "We?" Dr. Benben asks. Junie rolls his eyes and reminds Dr. Benben that he needs something to watch his back. "You know, you got to move your stash," Junie continues, his mouth full of cookies. "It was probably the Feds who broke in here and tore everything up," he adds. Dr. Benben paces around the living room. He doesn't think so, he says. Junie shoves another handful of cookies into his mouth and offers to move Dr. Benben's stash, if he'd just tell him where it is. Dr. Benben doesn't think so, he says, and grabs his keys and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" Junie calls after him. "I'll be back. Don't touch that stereo!" Dr. Benben calls.
Back at the hotel, Marlene and Miguel confab. Marlene doesn't think Miguel can fix their particular issue by going to the CIA. "This thing is bigger than the senator," he tells her, musing that the Senator must have backing from some other muckety mucks in the government, and that they'd only be cracking down if they knew they'd be getting plenty of cash coming in even if the Cadena cartel was kaput. "From who?" Marlene asks. "Another cartel? Tio Beto?" she asks. Miguel shrugs and tells her that he doesn't know. He needs to her to go talk to every judge she can get in to see, face to face. He's going to Mexico City.
Hector and Miguel go out back, where their Escalade is idling beside the sidewalk. Miguel puts a cigar in his mouth as Hector opens the back door for him. Just as Miguel is stepping inside, a dark sedan that had been parked a few yards ahead of them backs into the SUV's grill, hard. Miguel stumbles and Hector shouts loud insults en español. He heads over to get in the driver's face, but just as he reaches the car, the driver ducks. A black motorcycle squeals into the shot. Behind them, someone closes and locks the hotel's exit door. The cyclist takes off his sunglasses as he gets closer to Miguel and draws a gun from his jacket. Hector catches his snap and throws his body onto Miguel. Bullets fly, but none of them connect. The motorcyclist speeds down the street, and Hector tries to open the hotel door by breaking a window with his gun. But there's no time: the Assassinating Cyclist has just looped around, and he's coming toward them for another round. This time, Hector gets plugged as he shields Miguel with his body. The Assassinating Cyclist speeds away for good as Miguel lies pinned underneath his dead bodyguard for one long moment. "Hector? You okay?" he asks. But there is no answer. Sniff! I liked Hector! Alas, poor Hector. I knew him well. Well, sort of. How well can you know someone in just six episodes?
Cut to Houston and the U-Store-Your-Stash self-storage units. Dr. Benben oh-so-casually unlocks his storage unit and sneaks inside to grab his Suitcases O' Crack. Unfortunately, two guys in stocking caps have followed him with exactly the same goal. They rob him. Poor downtrodden Dr. Benben. The last few weeks have been hell for him! First, he can't get rid of the coke and now he can't hang onto it. Anyway, the Two Masked Thugs steal the dope and then lock Dr. Benben in his storage unit. They run off giggling as Dr. Benben hammers on the door and yells. Eventually, he realizes that he's locked in and he pulls his cell phone from his pocket, groaning at the indignity of it all.
At the Casa de Queso, Miguel and familia are in the midst of a Post-Assassination-Attempt Freak-Out. Miguel hustles Marlene and Joey out of the house and toward a waiting car. "Why do we have to go to America?" Joey whines. "I don't understand." Marlene shoots Miguel an agonized look, as he kneels in front of their son and explains that this is just how things are going to have to be for a bit. He tells Joey to "be good" and to mind his mother. They embrace, and Miguel passes Joey on to Joaquin, who I guess is back in the nanny game after the trauma of having to entertain the crazy sadistic freakshow Dr. French. Aw, I love Joaquin. Stay alive, Joaquin! So, Miguel turns to Marlene, who's trying very hard not to cry and failing miserably. "Call me the instant you land," he tells her. Marlene wipes her eyes. "Come with us," she sobs. And this is as good a place as any for me to say that I think that acting on this show as a whole has been very good, but that Sheryl Lee has really been excellent. Miguel reminds her that he has to stay in Mexico to destroy their enemies -- or something like that -- and tries to hustle her into the car. "It's too much, Mickey," Marlene cries. "We don't need all this." Miguel stops in his hustling and bustling and looks at her. He explains, slowly, that he needs to find out who's behind what's happening to them, so that they can all be safe. "Please," Marlene sobs. Miguel kisses her fiercely, and tells her not to let Joey see her cry. "I love you," he says, and hands her over a very serious looking Joaquin. Marlene slides into the back seat of the car, trying to stop her tears. Miguel sets his jaw and flares his nostrils.
Delia walks through the halls of the DEA, which are considerably more warm and welcoming now that she isn't best known for getting her partner shot. She's making plans to go out for drinks with one of her co-workers when Doug Duffy sweeps down the hall and asks to see her in his office...
...where he grudgingly tells her that she's a hero. "I was overdue for good luck," Delia grins. Doug Duffy sort of half-smiles at this and then tells her that when she writes up the raid, she probably shouldn't mention that she went into the club against orders. Delia stares at him for a long moment, and then reminds him that she saved Bobby's life. Doug Duffy nods and tells her that people "at headquarters" still don't like her. Delia is gobsmacked. "Everybody knows what went down," she tells him, reminding him that everyone heard their conversation over the radio. Doug Duffy is all blah blah blah, you'd better write that report so I don't look like and idiot. He wants her to write that he ordered her to go in when she did. Delia really could not be more dumbfounded. "You ordered me to go in?" she parrots. Doug Duffy rolls his eyes. Yeah, Doug? Delia -- although a likable character and clearly capable of kicking some ass -- isn't really savvy when it comes to office politics. Doug Duffy slowly explains that she can be "a key player" on his team. He sees her going undercover, the whole bit. "Is that what you want?" he asks. Delia says nothing for a long moment. "Yeah," she finally says, "Then write the report." Dude, if NBC makes Kingpin into a proper series, I can totally see an arc wherein Delia goes undercover to infiltrate the Cadena operation! That could rock! Especially if she were to fall in love with Chato and...sorry about that. I got a little distracted there. Speaking of Chato, where is he? I miss the Sex Eye.
U-Store-Your-Stash. Junie skips up the stairs to Dr. Benben's storage unit, grinning wildly. He knocks on the metal door with his gun. "Hey, you got enough oxygen in there?" he asks. Dr. Benben -- sounding relieved that the cavalry has finally arrived -- begins to give him the combination to the padlock, but Junie just shakes his head ruefully and shoots the lock open. Inside the storage unit, Dr. Benben screams like a little girl. Hee hee. Junie drops the lock to the ground and lets Dr. Benben out. "So, what you want to do, Doc?" he asks, as Dr. Benben stumbles out, rubbing his temples. He wearily retorts that Junie should go home to his grandmother. Junie makes a face like this is the most ridiculous suggestion he's ever heard, and wonders what Dr. Benben is planning to do about "the white boys who robbed [him]." Apparently, Dr. Benben recognized one of their voices. Dr. Benben rolls his eyes and heads for the stairs, telling Junie that he doesn't need to worry about that. Junie shakes his head and points out that it's beginning to look like Dr. Benben "can't handle [his] stash." Dr. Benben has no response to this, because, really, Junie has a point. "Man, let me help you get your stuff back," Junie offers.
So, Miguel takes a meeting with the Smoking CIA Man we first met in the pilot. I'm really distracted during this scene, because I think I recognize the dome of one of the buildings behind Miguel as belonging to this building in Westwood, but I thought that this was all filmed on location and so I spend the five minutes staring at the rest of the buildings in the background, trying to figure out if I can recognize them and blah blah blah. And, oh, sweet Mary! I'm watching Passions right now, and they're having a Luis/Big Dumb Hank shower scene! I am never going to be able to concentrate on this recap while the two of them are naked and soapy! The world is conspiring against me! I will never finish this paragraph! Anyway. Miguel asks whether Senator Lazareno is "a friend to the United States government." The Smoking Man puffs on his cigarette and smiles. "That depends on the way the wind's blowing," he shrugs. Miguel explains that someone is backing the Senator's moves against him. "Another narco. I want to know who it is," he says. The Smoking Man smiles. "Mr. Cadena, notwithstanding our escapade, I don't have a dog in this fight," he explains, saying the Miguel isn't very useful to the United States government if he's lost all his contacts in the Mexican government. "Whoever the Senator has in mind to take my place, he won't be the kind of asset to you that I can be," Miguel retorts calmly. "Is that so?" the Smoking Man asks. "Put it to the test," Miguel offers. The Smoking Man thinks about this for about half a second and then tells Miguel to transfer $20 million to a vanishing account on the Isle of Man by the end of the day. "If I give you the money, I need more than information," Miguel offers coolly. "Something happens to the Senator, I need you to help keep the heat off me." The Smoking Man smiles through a puff of smoke. "I'll do what I can," he says. "But life is a roll of the dice. Ain't that the thrill of it all?" Miguel has nothing to add to this folksy line of conversation and simply asks for the bank account number, which the Smoking Man hands over calmly. Miguel leaves. The Smoking Man...um, smokes.
Casa de Queso. Miguel tells his henchmen to give Poor Dead Hector's wife a pile of cash to make up for the fact that he's, you know, dead and all. Morton slides into the room and tells Miguel that he simply can't find Chato. Miguel doesn't accept this, obviously, and tells Morton not to sleep until he finds Ol' Sex Eye. Morton sighs, and Joaquin runs over with a faxed photograph. It's El Lomo (remember him? He ruined the deal with Crazy Asian Dentist Torture Guy and then Chato killed his dogs) deep in conversation with the Senator. "The Senator is in bed with the Tijuana cartel!" Miguel deduces, crumpling the paper into a little ball and throwing it against the wall. "Let me take my best men and go take care of him," Morton offers. "You are in charge of finding Chato, you moron!" Miguel's Mole reminds him. Miguel says basically the same thing, and asks Joaquin to take a message to "Tio Alberto." How many Tios are there, anyway?
The White Guys Who Took Benben's Stash sit in their double-wide and smoke and giggle. Hey, it's the stoner guy Benben tried to sell his stash to in the pilot! Nice continuity, writers. Junie bursts into their trailer, waving his gun dramatically. "Y'all robbed the wrong dude," he announces, before shooting the hell out of them. For a cold-blooded assassin, Junie is really just a treat.
Chicago. Joey and Marlene ride in a limo, holding hands and looking bereft. "Mom, why didn't Dad come with us?" Joey asks. Marlene smiles sadly at him and explains that Miguel had to work. "He'd be here if he could," she says. "Mom? What does Dad do?" Joey asks. Marlene smoothly non-answers that Miguel is "a businessman." He's in waste management! "But what does he do?" Joey persists. Marlene sighs. Surely, she knew this day would come. She explains that Miguel runs the hotel: "And other things." They sit in silence for a moment. "Mom? Why do we have bodyguards?" Joey asks. "To help protect us and keep us safe," Marlene says, with false comforting cheer. Joey just blinks. "I think Dad's in trouble," he announces. Marlene makes a concerned face. "Joey, no," she coos. "Everything is fine." Joey thinks about this for a moment, but doesn't seem to buy it. "Mom? Can we go to Mass tomorrow?" she asks. Marlene sort of chuckles and tells him that, of course, they can.
Dr. Benben paces around his apartment. Junie bursts in, cheerfully. "What happened? Did you get it?" Dr. Benben asks. "Them was some bad dudes, man. Was lucky to get out of there alive," Junie says, heading to the kitchen for yet another snack. He explains that he had to "body-bag 'em." Dr. Benben blinks and slowly asks what happened to his stash. "Don't worry, I put it away," Junie announces, popping what looks like a Jujy Fruit into his mouth. "Where?" Dr. Benben asks carefully. Junie just smiles. "Hey. Hey! I want to see it," Dr. Benben yelps. Junie doesn't answer directly, but says that he's "been thinking." They should be partners. After all, it's pretty clear that Dr. Benben needs a muscle man. "What do you say, partner?" he asks, holding up his fist. Not in an "I'm Going to Punch Your Lights Out" sort of way. In a "Yo, My Brother! What UP?" kind of fashion. Dr. Benben just looks thoughtful. And that's the last we're going to see of them. Goodbye, Junie! Goodbye, Dr. Benben! May you continue your bizarre yet humorous relationship forever on DVD!
Outside Mexico City. Tio Beto gets out of Miguel's SUV and is searched by uniformed officers. After passing the pat-down, he goes to a greenhouse, where he meets the Senator. "Thank you so much for agreeing to see me," he says. The Senator nods and apologizes "for the security measures." The men exchange pleasantries and the Senator muses that he was "never ashamed" to do business with Tio Beto. Those kids today! They're destroying his country! "I think your nephew Miguel believes he owns the government! He should answer to no one!" the Senator grouses. Don't even get him started on that rap music. Tio Beto quietly informs the Senator that Miguel answers to Tio Beto. "Does he? Is that true?" the Senator asks, crossing the room to investigate some of his orchids. Beto follows him. "I will deliver him to you. Him and Chato both, if you call off your campaign against La Corporacion. I will personally deliver their bodies to you." Well, that's not very family-minded of him. "I often wish I could deal with a troublesome nephew that way," the Senator laughs. Beto laughs, too, as the Senator sighs that he just wants things to be they way they used to be. "Yes, like when everyone knew their place," Beto says. "When even a peasant like me knew his place." The Senator says nothing, but simply kneels to futz with one of his plants. "That's always what you thought of my family, isn't it? As peasants. Criminals," Tio Beto says, slowly removing his bolo tie. And the Senator doesn't have the opportunity to refute this, because Tio Beto strangles him with the bolo tie! This is the best show ever!
Post-strangling, Tio Beto walks out to his car. Joaquin opens the door for him with a questioning look. Tio Beto nods, and Joaquin looks pleased. Beto looks satisfied. The Senator just looks dead.
Across town, El Lomo is sucking on a woman's toe. Business as usual for him, I assume. His phone rings, and he places the foot down with a sigh and answers it. "El Lomo, how are you, you old dog?" Miguel asks smoothly. "You couldn't leave well enough alone. You had to try to take me out," he continues. El Lomo plays dumb. Behind him, his afternoon delight slides out of bed. "I will say this. It happened when I least expected it. And that's exactly when it's going to happen to you," Miguel continues. Dude! The girl, whose toe was getting sucked! It's totally NotSalma Hayek, the Mata Hari of the Cadena cartel, who kidnapped Poppy and helped get him addicted to smack! (And please don't email me and ask me who the actress is. I don't know, and I can't seem to find any information about her on the internet.) "Kiss my ass, Cadena! You're a dead man! You and your brother both! Dead! I piss on both your graves!" El Lomo screams, and throws the phone against the wall. That's how I like to conclude all of my business calls. He turns back to his assignation, but finds the bed empty. NotSalma leaps up behind him and stabs him in the neck! He falls down dead! She climbs out the window! Whee!
Marlene and Joey go to Mass. Joey goes into the confessional as Marlene sits in a pew and waits and wonders whether her husband has been assassinated or not and if so, does she have time to get a manicure before the funeral?
So, Joey sits in the confessional and goes through the usual confessionary yadda yadda. He pushed his cousin (she's "annoying"), and he drank communion wine from the chalice in the sacristy. The priest is all, yeah, you're not supposed to do that. "I know, that's why I'm confessing," Joey says, and then wonders if he can confess for his father. "We can only confess our own sins. What things did your father do?" the priest asks. "I don't know, but I think he's in trouble," Joey says. The priest says that the best they can do, really, is just pray for him. "Don't ever underestimate the power of prayer if it comes from the heart," he says, and gives him ten Hail Marys and five Our Fathers and asks him to say his Act of Contrition and now I feel like I totally don't have to go to confession anymore. Just kidding, God.
The organ plays plaintively as Marlene sits at the back of the church and waits for her son.
We cut over to Chato's Warehouse of Torture. Miguel sadly follows Morton through the warehouse and into Chato's Tiny Room of Anger. Morton starts poking at Lazareno's nearly most sincerely dead body as Miguel approaches his brother. Poor Chato. He's sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall. He just looks dead inside, poor baby. Bobby Cannavale has done a great job with this role. He stares dully up at his brother. Miguel sighs sadly. "Are you all right?" he asks. Miguel, he's covered in grime and blood and he's locked up in a warehouse torturing the man who ordered his prison rape. How do you think he feels? Chato just looks at the wall. "It didn't make me feel better, Miguel," he finally says. "I don't feel any better." Morton asks Miguel what he ought to do about Lazareno. Miguel thinks. "Finish it," he says quietly, and Morton shoots Lazareno in the head. Chato's expression doesn't change a whit. Miguel reaches out his hand to his brother. "Come on. I'm taking you home," he says. Chato stares up at him for a long moment, and then takes Miguel's hand. Miguel helps Chato to his feet and wraps his arm around his shoulders. They walk slowly out of the warehouse together.
And that's the end! But...what about the voodoo? What about the cannibalism? What about crazy Lupita? And the man-eating tiger? What about Delia's horse? Who is NotSalma Hayek? What will happen to Chato? So many questions! NBC, you need some more Aaron Spelling on your fall schedule! I have to find out what happened to that tiger!