On the last episode ofKingpin: well, you know. Sex, drugs, tigers, whips. The usual.
We open in a meth lab. People are wearing berets and smoking tiny little cigarettes, reading Simone de Beauvoir. Okay, not really: actually, they're making drugs. I had no idea it was this complicated, frankly. Later, I hope they'll do an episode detailing how they get those pictures onto the acid tabs. Not that I've ever taken acid. I've barely even smoked pot. I mean, I've never even smoked pot. Anyway. They're bagging up the meth when an older man walks into the frame and asks them to come outside.
Chato sits on his motorcycle in front of the lab, wearing a leather jacket and Ray-Bans and smoking. He's so the Dylan McKay of this show. He swings his leg over the cycle and saunters over to address the workers. "There's going to be a new way of doing things around here," he yells. "Miguel is very happy with the product, but he wants more. Instead of fifty kilos, he wants seventy-five." As he takes a drag from his cigarette, some anonymous worker steps up and asks if they're going to get "more cookers." Everyone else automatically takes a step away from him. Chato -- my crazy, hyper-sexual uber-violent boyfriend -- takes off his sunglasses. "More cookers?" he yells. Señor Screwed explains that if Miguel wants more product, they need more employees. Chato cocks a brow at him. "No. There's not going to be more cookers," he hisses. "There's going to be one less. Get out of here. You're fired." Señor Screwed looks sad as Chato drawls that he didn't even get to finish what he was saying. "Anybody else have any questions?" he asks. "WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE?" he bellows at poor Señor Screwed. The guy is clearly stunned, but, really, he ought to be happy that Chato didn't shoot him. He looks around -- they're miles from nowhere -- and wonders how he'll get back to Juarez. "Walk," Chato snaps. And the poor guy just takes off toward nowhere. "Now, if he had kept his mouth shut, he would have heard about the bonus," Chato says. At the word "bonus," the guy behind him trips and stumbles down the hill. Chato gives all of the meth-lab workers his Patented Chato Sex Eye -- the look that screams "I want you, right here, right now, or else" -- and tells them that if they can get their output to seventy-five kilos a week, each of them gets five grand. And then he gives them the eye again! The rest of the employees are so pleased to be getting some extra cash that they all give him the Sex Eye in return. Chato smiles slowly and tells them to get back to work.
And we go to the credits, which we didn't get last week at all. They include: drugs, cash, people getting blown away, Chato having cheer sex with the camera, blood, tigers, more cash, strippers, priests, pistol-whipping, masks, thumb-wrestling, and Sheryl Lee with an entirely new haircut. She also gets the coveted "and starring [so and so] as [such and such]" credit. "New" doesn't really equal "better" as far as her haircut goes, by the way, although it does make her look about ten years younger.
An SUV roars into...somewhere in Juarez. I don't know. Is this the mall? A restaurant? A church? Marlene and Miguel's other house? No idea. At any rate, Marlene slides out of the back seat of the car.
Inside...wherever we are, Poppy from Seinfeld is wearing a general's uniform and telling Miguel that he's really going to miss Tio Jorge. "I appreciate that, General," Miguel says, handing General Poppy a cigar. They sit. Whose house is this? Whoever's house it is, he or she has fabulous taste, because the place is gorgeous, all red walls and lead-paned windows and fireplaces and piles of books. I want to live there. General Poppy wonders what exactly happened to Tio Jorge. He heard, he says, that the CIA had Jorge poisoned. "Tio Jorge committed suicide. The pressure of being on the run got to him," Miguel corrects him, looking at Poppy levelly. "In our younger days, me and Jorge, we screwed a lot of whores," is Poppy's response. "Your uncle, he liked them to be young. Fifteen, sixteen years old." Miguel blinks. "Holy Jesus," Miguel's Mole mutters. "Is that what you came here to say?" Miguel finally forces out. General Poppy tells him that, actually, he wants to talk about "the future." Miguel, he says, needs the general's friendship now even more than ever. And, in exchange for that friendship, the general will gladly accept $3 million a month. "A million a month isn't enough?" Miguel asks, faintly incredulously. "I want three million!" Poppy announces. "So, do you accept my offer?" Miguel calmly puffs on his stogie. "Are you even the man I should be talking to?" Poppy continues. "Because if you're not the man, tell me who is, so I can talk to him." Miguel calmly informs Poppy that they'll work this out when he gets back from Sinaloa. "After I have buried my uncle," he says, standing and taking Poppy's glass. "I will pass on your condolences to the widow. Buenos tardes, generale," he says, gesturing toward the door. But Poppy doesn't get up. "We don't know each other very well," he begins, then finally stands. "But you should know, Miguel, no one dismisses me from a room. Not your uncle and not you." Miguel says nothing, but just looks at him. "Unless you think yours is bigger than mine," Poppy adds. Ah, six minutes in and already we're talking unit size. Aaron Spelling rocks. Miguel laughs humorlessly. "Why don't you show me? Show me what you have," Poppy challenges, unbuckling his belt. "Holy shit, is he really taking off his pants?" the Mole wonders. Miguel can't believe this guy is dropping trou in his living room. And Poppy does. His junk is covered by a conveniently placed object d'art on the coffee table, but, people, we see pubes. Man, of all the guys on his show to go bottomless, it would have to be Poppy. "There's no one here. Let me see it," Poppy demands. Miguel doesn't know where to look, but he seems both amused and appalled. And he does check out the goods. "Show me!" Poppy demands. At this point, Marlene walks in the house and gets an eyeful. She closes her eyes briefly, shakes her head, and smiles. "General [Poppy]," she says. Miguel shoots her a brief "can you believe this guy?" look. "What a surprise to see you," Marlene tells him smoothly. Then she goes upstairs to wash out her brain with lye.
Houston, Texas. Dr Nameless -- I've just decided to call him Dr Benben, since he's played by Brian Benben and it's taking forever to find out his real name and also I don't care what his real name actually is, because the word "Benben" is funny -- is at the driving range with a new character, a younger Hispanic man in a velour track suit. "Wow, that's a fluid swing," Dr Benben begins. Lying, by the way, because that swing? Not fluid. People, I know golf: I golfed a 79 on my last vacation. Of course, it was on a 9-hole course, but whatever. And...I've resorted to golf jokes. My grandfather would be proud. "Listen, Romulo?" Dr. Benben adds. "Yeah?" Romulo asks, turning from his tee. "I want out," Dr. Benben announces. Romulo grins and wonders what he means. "The stress. It's too much," Dr Benben tells him haltingly. Romulo furrows his brow and wonders what the hell Dr Benben is talking about. "You store the merca. You sell the merca. You count the money. You spend the money, right?" Romulo asks. Dr. Benben is all, well, yeah, but...and starts yammering something about his divorce proceedings, and his expanding practice and blah blah blah. Romulo is all, so you think we'll just let you go? "Miguel Cadena said I could get out whenever I want," Dr Benben says. Romulo smiles. "But is that what you really want? What happens when you want money again to pay off your debts? I know you, doctor," he says, poking the hapless Dr. Benben cheerfully and going back to his slice. "I just want to lead a normal life," Dr. Benben whines.
Romulo looks at Dr. Benben and then back out at the green. "Okay," he says. "You see that thing out there?" He points to a blue ball-picker-upper thing about a hundred feet away. "If you can hit that from here, I will let you walk away," he says. Dr. Benben sort of looks at him and they both laugh. "How many balls do I get?" Dr. Benben asks. "How many do you want?" Romulo wonders. "How about ten?" Dr. Benben suggests. Romulo laughs that that's way too easy. "Three," he counters. "Okay, seven," Dr. Benben says. Romulo laughs and laughs. And it's not an evil laugh, either. He honestly finds this all very amusing. He's a very cheerful drug dealer. "No, no," he says. " Uno, dos, tres pelititas, doctor. You're a good golfer." "Thank you," Dr Benben says tightly, and then drops his club into the ball trough. "Uh oh," Romulo says. He's really just intensely amused. Dr Benben smiles and picks it all up and lines up his shot. He wipes his brow. He rubs his mouth. He takes a deep breath and swings. And hits the ball-picker-upper with a satisfying twang. Both men crow loudly and burst into laughter. Romulo pats him cheerfully on the back. "Oh, I knew you would do it, Doc!" he yells. "What can I tell you?" Dr. Benben grins. Romulo walks up to the tee and lines up his own shot. "Let's work out the details," he says. "How much to you owe for that last load?" Dr. Benben gives him a cautionary look and yells out a greeting to a passing golfer. "About $250,000," Dr. Benben sputters, quietly, once the other guy has passed. Romulo swings and watches his shot and then tells the good doctor that, when he's paid that up, he's out, free and clear. "Romulo, come on. I just want to walk away clean. Can't you take the coke back?" Dr. Benben asks. "Now, you know it don't work that way, Doc," Romulo chuckles, and asks how much of it he's got left. "Forty-five kilos," Dr. Benben moans. "You can sell that in a couple weeks," Romulo chirps. He's really the most good-humored drug dealer ever. Dr. Benben looks perturbed, but...dude, come on. You're working with a drug cartel. You ought to be happy they haven't taken out both your kneecaps.
Casa de Queso. The first casa de queso. Queso Originale. Miguel is putting Joey to bed. The Adorable Moppet whines that he doesn't want to go to Sinaloa. "Why do I have to go?" he asks. "When somebody dies that we love, we have to pay our respects," Miguel explains, pulling Joey's pajama shirt over the kid's head. "You loved Tio Jorge, right? Besides, the whole family's going to be together. Aunts, Uncle, Cousins." La Familia Count to date: 5. Miguel pulls back Joey's sheets and tucks the kid into bed. "How did Tio Jorge die?" Joey asks. "Tio Chato said he shot himself with a gun." Miguel makes a face. "Smooth, Chato," his Mole mutters. "He told you that?" Miguel asks. Joey bats his lashes. "But mom said he was sick. He was sick in his head," he says. Miguel nods thoughtfully. "Well, both of them are right," he finally says, quietly. "Sometimes people get very sad and the don't see all the beautiful things in life, just the bad things. And sometimes, they kill themselves. I think that's what happened to Tio Jorge. The important thing now is to keep the family together." La Familia count: 6. In a nice touch, Miguel tucks a stuffed tiger to Joey. He kisses him and goes to turn out the light. "Dad? Is Tio Jorge in heaven?" Joey asks. Miguel turns. "Yes, he is," he says. "He's in heaven, and he's watching over us, all right?" He turns off the light.
And into the Miguel/Marlene boudoir. She's scrutinizing her wardrobe. Miguel walks into the frame and gives her a questioning look. "I know," Marlene tells him. "It doesn't matter what I wear. It doesn't matter what I do or what I say. The women in your family will make me feel like the only white girl on earth." She sits on the bed with a frustrated sigh. Miguel just hugs her. "It's nothing you can't handle," he says, touching his forehead to hers. "We have to stay the whole three days?" she asks. "It's the wake," he reminds her. "Just think about when it's over. It's back to business and everybody's happy." She looks up at him. Sheryl Lee really looks fifteen years younger with her new hair, although it makes no sense as far as continuity goes. I was going to write this whole thing about how it's completely impossible for her hair to have grown three inches in, like, a day, but finally I realized that this is an Aaron Spelling production. And it's far more important for people to look pretty in the Spelling world than it is for their hair to obey the laws of continuity. And I'm a hypocrite, because when it comes right down to it, I prefer to see pretty people on my television, anyway, so, really, it all comes out in the wash. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," Marlene says. "Unless Tio Beto has a different idea about who should be running things." Miguel slides off the bed and starts taking off his watch. He asks her who else could possibly be in the running. "His own son?" she says, looking up at him. Miguel laughs. "Let me tell you something about Romulo," he says. "He doesn't want to work that hard." Marlene bats her lashes and looks up at him, "We have to be prepared for anything," she coos. "Getting rid of Tio Jorge may have been the easy part." Miguel takes a drink of water. His face goes all stony. He walks right over to her. "Don't ever say that again," he says quietly. "Don't ever say what you just said." He runs a hand down her face and then walks away. Marlene just shuts her eyes. Oh, Marlene! You're smarter than that. Just secretly plot to kill him!
Sinaloa. A limo pulls up in front of a beautiful ranch house. Tio Beto and Romulo wait to greet their guests, passing the time in a friendly family argument: Tio Beto is mad because Romulo's still wearing his velour sweatsuit. "And where is your boots?" he asks. "Boots? Boots don't go with this," Romulo tells him. "You can't go riding with those shoes. It scares the horses," Tio Beto tells him. "How am I going to wear boots with this?" Romulo asks. "Put on boots!" Tio Beto yells. "They don't go with this!" Romulo repeats. "Then put on jeans! I don't want to talk now!" Tio Beto tells him. Hee. That was an amusing moment. See? Parents and children are the same everywhere, whether they're selling crystal meth or not. Can I put this in the La Familia count? I guess not. Anyway, Miguel and Marlene spill out of the limo. Tio Beto hugs Miguel enthusiastically, but barely gives Marlene the time of day. He does embrace Joey, and kindly greets this totally random guy we've barely seen before, who I assume is one of Miguel's flunkies or something. Eventually, Romulo invites them in. "Romulo, he likes it up there too much," Tio Beto tells Miguel. "Is he doing a good job?" Miguel smiles. "He's doing a great job," he responds, and asks after his aunt. Tio Beto shrugs that Consuelo isn't doing very well. Eventually, a motorcycle rolls into the shot. It's Chato. Crazy, delicious, crazy Chato.
Chato screeches to a halt and swings off the motorcycle. He hugs his uncle, who soon leaves the brothers alone for some quality hot man-love time. Chato is about half an inch away from Miguel's lips. Just kiss him, Chato. The boys walk arm in arm to the house. Miguel isn't real pleased that Chato told Joey that Tio Jorge "blew his brains out." Chato just squeezes him. "I thought that's what we were telling everybody," he says. Miguel doesn't know if it was an appropriate story for an eight-year-old. "You need to toughen that kid up," Chato comments mildly. "It's a hard life. You can't hold the world from him forever, you know?" Miguel sniffs that he's not going to take any lessons on child-rearing from Chato. Chato laughs and tells him to relax, and then he gets in even closer to Miguel's lips. I'm not making this shit up. He's literally a quarter of an inch away from Miguel's front teeth. "Did you see Tio Jorge yet? Did they make him look goooood?" he purrs. And then he pats his brother on the cheek and saunters inside. Man, he is one hot, crazy guy.
Inside the house, the women in the family are playing with Joey while Marlene, like the cheese, stands alone. Chato kisses her cheek and asks where the casket is. Marlene nods toward a small anteroom. As Chato goes inside, a nun exits. I swear to God, Chato even checks out the nun. He looks right at the nun's habited ass. He then kneels by his grieving aunt and takes her hands in his. "Tia, I hope you can forgive me," he says. "If I knew he was having those thoughts, I never would have left his side," he lies. Tia Consuelo sobs that Tio Jorge loved Chato very much. In the outer room, Marlene has a cocktail and eavesdrops. Chato lies and tells his aunt that, every day, the only thing that Jorge ever talked about was her. What a sweet lie. No, really. No need for her to know all about the whores and the opium and the flames of hell and the oceans of blood and whatnot. As Tia Consuelo sobs into Chato's arms, Marlene rolls her eyes. Chato gives her the Sex Eye over Consuelo's shuddering shoulder.
Miguel and Tio Beto walk through the grounds. White horses race all around them, their manes and tails waving dramatically in the air. Tio Beto tells Miguel that no one blames him for what happened to Tio Jorge. "I told him years ago he should retire, like I did. It's a young man's game," he says. Miguel sort of nods, and asks him what his plans are for the future. "I want you to feel confident that what you and Tio Jorge created is in good hands," Miguel adds. Beto looks at his horses and sighs. They stand in silence as the horses gallop around in slow motion. Tio Beto nods at a particularly magnificent stallion. "Look at him," he says. "Guapisimo, inteligente, charming with the mares, he's sired some of my best horses. Now, look at this one," he says, gesturing to an identical white horse. "Maybe he could do the same thing. But there can only be one stallion. So which one do I choose?" Tio Beto asks. All around them, the horses whine and bray and run around and make their best symbolic faces. "Because the horses don't get to decide. I decide what's best for the breed. And I haven't made that decision yet," he finally finishes. Miguel just looks at the ground. "Okay, we get it," his Mole mutters.
Chato, Miguel, and Marlene stomp around the stables. Well, Marlene stomps. Chato smokes. Miguel just stands there and looks collected. "I knew it. He wants to put Romulo in charge. They will always put their own sons first," Marlene bitches. Miguel gazes off into the distance and thinks. "No, he doesn't respect Romulo," he finally says. "Maybe Tio Beto thinks I should in charge, " Chato finally pipes up. Oh, Chato. You're too much of a live wire to be in charge. The three of them gaze across the fields at several farm workers unloading hay from a truck. This ranch is really gorgeous, and it's been beautifully shot. I wonder where it's located. "Maybe," Miguel non-answers. "He suspects something," Marlene tells them. Chato takes a drag from his cigarette and shakes his head. "If he did, we'd be dead already," he tells her. Miguel agrees, and tells Marlene that Beto doesn't suspect that they killed Tio Jorge, but that he does think they screwed up. "Even so, he ought to know that Romulo can't run this business," Marlene tells him fiercely. "It's not Romulo!" Miguel finally snaps. "Then who is it?" Marlene asks. Miguel has no answer to this. Chato leans up against a nearby pole, all Bad Boy Broody, Dylan McKay With a Few More Drugs in Him-y. "I tell you one thing," he drawls, "If Tio Beto does suspect something, I sure hope he doesn't commit suicide, too. That would be a shame." Marlene just looks at him, and sort of smiles, while Miguel's expression doesn't change at all. They are one evil triad, yo. They're like the Larry, Moe, and Curly of evil. They're the Manny, Moe, and Jack of evil. They're the Three Musketeers of Evil. They're...you know, evil and stuff.
Inside the ranch, in a lovely tiled bathroom, Marlene snorts cocaine off a mirrored compact. A knock comes on the door, and she calls out for one more moment. She chases the last tiny bit of coke from her compact with a finger, and gets up and answers the door, letting a nun into the bathroom.
Outside, a bunch of kids are playing in the yard. Joey, however, just wants to sit on the stoop and pet a little orange tabby. I hope that's not foreshadowing that sweet little Joey is going to wind up like Crazy, Tiger-Loving Ernesto. Marlene takes a seat to him and wonders why he's not playing with the other kids. Joey looks up at her, all sensitive and blue. He tells her that he doesn't really feel like it. Marlene looks down at him sympathetically and hugs him. The cat yowls at the sight of a limo coming up the drive and races away. Jangly music starts up on the soundtrack, as Marlene stands to greet the newest guests. Danny Trejo climbs out of the limo in a giant puff of smoke. He's followed by an Hispanic woman about Marlene's age. They're both wearing sunglasses and appear to be general bad-asses. Especially Danny Trejo. But that might be because he's got smoke coming out of his ears. "Lupita," Marlene calls. "I'm sorry for your loss." She kisses the woman on the cheek. Lupita takes this very icily. "Thank you. Where is Miguel?" she asks coolly. "Inside," Marlene says. Lupita tells Danny Trejo to go and see him, and he obeys, in a huge puff of smoke. "Nice talking to you, Manny," Marlene calls after him sarcastically. Lupita takes off her sunglasses to say hello to sweet little Joey. She leans over to hug him and -- I'm not making this up, people -- lights a match off the metal bit on the back of his belt. She comes up with the flaming match, lights a cigarillo with it and grins. "How'd you do that?" Joey breathes, impressed. Lupita just blows an arc of smokes at him and walks inside with a mysterious smile. Marlene twists her lips up and watches. She's unimpressed.
Manny meets Miguel inside, praying by Tio Jorge's casket. He walks into the room with a huge puff of cigar smoke and leans comfortably on the casket. "Do you mind?" Miguel asks. Manny takes a drag on his cigar. "You know, Miguel, I've always thought you were very intelligent," Manny says, taking off his sunglasses. "You brought a lot to La Corporacion." Miguel's like, thanks, nutball. Manny announces that he plans on keeping Miguel involved at a very high level. "What the hell are you talking about?" Miguel asks. "You'll be my top lieutenant," Manny clarifies, with a thoughtful look. At this, Miguel stands up and clears his throat. "You think you're taking over?" Miguel asks mildly. "You better quit messing with that voodoo, or whatever it is that you're into." Excuse me. Did someone say, "voodoo"? Oh, Aaron Spelling, how can I ever thank you? Manny smiles back at him, evilly. "You, El Jefe?" he asks. "Have you ever held a gun? Or taken a man's life? Or tasted human flesh?" Whoa, hold the phone! Voodoo and cannibalism? My recapping dreams are coming true, everyone! Thank you, Jesus! Anyway, Miguel is about to say something cutting when Romulo strolls in and announces that Tio Beto wants to talk to all of them. Miguel smiles blankly, as smoke wreathes Manny's voodoo-practicing, human-flesh-consuming head.
We salsa over into Tio Beto's office. Chato is already there, pouring himself a drink. "What do you think this is about?" Romulo asks Chato. "What do you think, Tonto?" Chato snarks, taking a snort of whiskey. Have I mentioned that I am in love with him? He is evil, crazy, clearly a giant whore, probably not all that smart, certainly violent, and, as we'll see later, a total sexist, and yet, I love him. He's just, you know, charming. Lupita trots in on Manny's heels and takes a seat. "What are you doing here?" Chato asks. She reminds him that she's Tio Beto's first-born. "Oh, really? That's good. It still doesn't make you a man," Chato purrs, sitting to her and giving her, yes, the Chato Sex Eye. Chato, she's your cousin! On the other hand, Chato's also hot for his own brother, so whatever. At least this isn't illegal. "Only the men, Lupita," Tio Beto tells her. Wait, let me think about this. Chato and Miguel are brothers. Romulo is Tio Beto's kid, right? And Ernesto was Tio Jorge's illegitimate child and Lupita was his legitimate daughter? Is that right? I need a flow chart here. Anyway, Lupita asserts that she has the right to hear this. "I should also be a part of this," Marlene says from the doorway. At this, Lupita holds up the classic "talk to the hand, bitch" hand. "Go away. This is for the family," she says. La Familia count to date: 7. Poor Marlene. She's clearly all calculating and whatnot, but Miguel's family isn't very nice to her. I mean, they're all calculating and whatnot, too, so it really is a match made in heaven. But Marlene stays calm. "If your husband is family, then I am family," she says. Tio Beto says something in Spanish to Lupita (I think it was something along the lines of, "Get out, Lupita") and she gets up and gets right into Chato's face. "And what about him?" she asks. "He was supposed to take care of my father and he didn't do it." At this, Miguel steps in (to speak up for his brother, you'll notice, but not his wife), and says that Chato did nothing wrong. "There's nobody to blame," he says. And so, with a few irritated words in Spanish, Lupita leaves. Miguel shuts the door behind her and right on his own wife. "Women," Chato says mildly.
And so it's only the boys. Tio Beto starts off by saying that he knew Tio Jorge was "starting to crumble." But, pre-crumble, the two of them had talked about "the future" and, he says, he told Jorge that the man to lead La Corporacion was Miguel. At this, Miguel smiles modestly down at the carpet. "He's not strong enough," Manny pipes up. "Shhhh," Chato purrs. But Jorge put Ernesto in charge, Beto continues. "Ernesto had huevos!" Manny interrupts. "The DEA shot him down like a pinche perro, and Miguel didn't do nada!" Beto reminds Manny that Ernesto's the one who chose to go to war with "the gringos," and that it's not Miguel's fault that he got plugged. "Except it TOTALLY WAS," Miguel's Mole says. Beto tells them all to shut it, so he can say his piece: he's coming out of the retirement. It's not that he doesn't trust them, he says, it's just that, for the six months, they need someone in charge that the other cartels know and won't challenge. At this, everyone looks at his shoes. Miguel finally speaks up and says that a lot has changed in the last five years. Tio Beto shakes his head and assures him that things will continue to run just as they have been. "Chato will still be the enforcer," he says. Chato nods. "You will sit at my right hand and advise me," Tio Beto tells Miguel. "I may be an old man, but there are still a few things I can teach you." Miguel smiles and nods. "Dude, this blows," his Mole mutters.
Back in Texas, at the U-Store-Your-Drugs-Here, Dr. Benben stumbles to his car, carrying two very heavy-looking suitcases. He shoves them into the trunk of his Ferrari and speeds off, sweating and looking shifty all the way.
So, first, Dr Benben tries to unload the coke on a used-car salesman we'll call Cal Worthington. Cal really doesn't think there's any way he can buy all forty-five kilos. He's just not selling any cars. With that, he walks off to try to strong-arm a customer into "a heck of a deal," leaving Dr. Benben alone with his coke. Maybe you ought to sell the Ferrari, dude.
, Dr. Benben hits a dealer at an art gallery. She tells him that she's just leaving for Berlin and she'll be gone three weeks. But she'll take whatever he's got left when she gets back. Dr. Benben sweats profusely and looks particularly put-upon.
Over to the trailer park. Dr. Benben tries to unload his stash on this clearly very stoned slacker-type dude. Stoned drawls that maybe he can take five more kilos. "No, no," Dr Benben corrects him. "Forty-five kilos." And he needs the cash up front. This is clearly more than Stoned's brain can compute. "I don't know, bro. Forty-five pounds is a lot of pot," he says. This is more than Dr. Benben can take. "It's coke, not pot," he yells. Stoner thinks about this. "I gotta take a piss," he announces, and goes inside the trailer. Dr. Benben sits heavily on one of his suitcases and covers his face with his hands.
And over to Fabens, Texas. Delia -- her stomach wound clearly healing nicely -- trots through the plains on her horse. She gets a call on her cell phone, but tells the caller that he's dropping in and out. "She's coming back tonight?" she yells into the phone. Frustrated by the bad reception, she promises the caller that she'll call him from a land line, then gallops off into the sunset.
Casa de Delia. Delia's mother sits hunched in a wheelchair in front of the TV. She seems to be in some later stage of dementia, poor thing. But Delia's dad looks hale and hearty as he sets plates of dinner in front of them. Delia cuts into a spear of broccoli and announces that she's going back to El Paso. Delia's dad looks disappointed. "You really want to go back to the DEA? I don't understand why you can't collect a disability pension," he says. Delia takes a bite of avocado and reminds him that she's not really disabled. "You got shot, you almost died. You've given enough to that job," her father opines. Delia doesn't even roll her eyes. "Daddy, the DEA is what I am. Not what I do," she tells him calmly. "Oh, sister, I know that song," the Scully action figure mutters under her breath. "Let it go before you find yourself being kidnapped by aliens and working with a guy who has sex with you and goes to the store for two years." Delia's father doesn't bring up this salient point, but instead just shakes his head.
Cut to...Delia, on a stakeout. She watches a car roar into the driveway of a small house. A man storms out of the car and inside. After a moment, she follows.
Delia knocks on the door of the house, and asks the dude -- let's call him Bandanna, since he's wearing one -- if Maria is home, claiming to be her cousin. Bandanna, clearly no brain surgeon, lets her in, and calls for Maria. "Where's Rafael?" Delia asks Maria as soon as she enters the room. Ah, this must be Rafael's sister, the one with the drug conviction that Delia disappeared. "She's not my cousin! She's with the DEA!" Maria yells at poor stupid Bandanna, who promptly gets all up in Delia's face, telling her that she had better turn around and skedaddle before she gets hurt. So, Delia turns to head for the door...but then whirls around and pistol-whips him! Hard, too. Bandanna falls to the ground, holding his nose as blood spills everywhere. I was just thinking that there hadn't been enough pistol-whipping in this show thus far. I'm really glad they've rectified that. Maria yelps that she has no idea where Rafael is. "He killed a U.S. Federal Agent, so think real hard," Delia suggests, shoving the girl against the wall. Maria swears that she has no idea where her brother is. Delia shoves her again. "You tell Rafael Chapa he cannot hide," she yells. "Wherever he is on this earth, all he can do is hope somebody else finds him before I do. You listening?" she asks. Maria nods, frightened. "And be careful who you hang out with, because I'm going to be watching you!" Delia adds, before stomping off. Dude, she kicks ass.
Back at the ranch, Marlene and Miguel lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. "So what are we going to do about it?" she asks. "Nothing," Miguel responds. "Nothing?" she parrots, before telling him that she really doesn't think Beto is going to step down in six months. "Dammit, Marlene," Miguel says, sitting up with a sigh. "What? What do you want from me?" Marlene sits, too. "I want you to take what you have the right to take," she says in measured tones. "If you let Don Beto push you aside, then what happened to Tio Jorge happened for nothing." Miguel reminds her that Tio Jorge was losing it. "He put us all at risk. That is the only reason he had to go. Not because I wanted to take over," he tells her. They exchange looks. Marlene's says: "Yeah, right." Miguel's says: "You'd better buy that line of bull, missy." Finally, he tells her to "be patient," because they have no other option. Marlene just cocks a skeptical brow. They both lie back down and make frustrated looks at the ceiling. What, no hot, evil sex? This show is on at 10 PM! Where is the nudity? Whither nudity, Mr. Spelling?
Over at the meth lab, everyone's working furiously. Suddenly, a window explodes. Everyone starts running outside...where they're met by a tank coming over the hill. A tank, people! I can't make this stuff up. The tank fires and the lab blows sky high. Fire, fire, everywhere!
"It's one of our biggest methamphetamine labs," Miguel tells everyone -- well, all the men -- back at Don Beto's ranch. "It's been producing fifty kilos a week." "The army did this?" Don Beto asks. "They sent a tank," Chato says. "They weren't keeping it a secret." Manny removes a small vial of red liquid from his pocket and sets it in front of Don Beto. "Drink this," he says, explaining that it's rattlesnake blood. "It'll give you incredible power, so no one can defeat you. Not even the army," he says. Don Beto looks at the vial skeptically and hands it back, musing that someone must be behind this attack. Miguel finally admits that General Poppy came to him a few days ago, wanting more money. Romulo, leaning against the wall, thinks they just ought to give him what he wants. "Three million is nothing," he says. Miguel retorts that if they give in on this point, they'll never see the end of it. "Why are we still standing here, talking?" Manny asks. "I personally volunteer to cut this general's heart out! I'll bring it back here and cook it up for you!" Wow, that's nuts. I love it. I think that, at some point, Aaron Spelling realized that the only way to go with this show was over the top. And bless him for it. Chato says that if they kill General Poppy, the army will really come after them. "Not if we go after his wife and children. Paint the streets red with their blood!" Manny crows. Don Beto rolls his eyes and tells Manny to chill. He needs the general here, he says, but he needs him alive. He asks Chato to go fetch him. "It's going to be difficult," Chato says. "He's surrounded by guards at all times." "I'll go," Miguel offers, explaining that the attack on the meth lab was a direct challenge to him. "He underestimates me. Let me go and use that against him," Miguel says. He promises he can do it in twenty-four hours. After some hemming and hawing, Don Beto agrees.
Outside, Manny and Chato go for a little walk. Manny tells Chato that they've known each other for a long time, and that he wouldn't tell him what he's about to tell him if he weren't totally serious about it. "What is it, Manny?" Chato asks shortly. Manny looks at him and tells him that his men are bulletproof. "Bullets can't hurt them," he says, and asserts that he can prove it. Chato looks skeptical. "Don Beto, he doesn't believe in palo mayome, but it's real," Manny says. "Show him. Prove it to him," Chato says. But Manny would rather show Chato. Chato gives him a long look, and then shrugs in agreement.
Manny and Chato head over to the barn. Manny puts a voodoo necklace -- made of bones and little skulls and...you know, the usual voodoo hoo-ha -- over some flunky's head, smiling all the while. The Flunky looks nervously down at the bones. Chato leans languidly against the wall and smokes. Manny draws his pistol and aims, but Chato stops him. "Not your gun. My gun," he says, taking it out of his hostler with a sassy little twirl. Manny rolls his eyes. "It's no trick. It's palo mayombe, la magia negra!" he insists. Chato gives him the "then prove it" brow raise. "The bullet will pass right through him and not leave a mark," Manny insists. "Let's see it," Chato says. Sweat runs down the Flunky's ear. Manny takes his shot...and the flunky falls backward, dead. Chato just looks amused. Manny races over to his victim, and leans down to examine him. He pulls a pair of bifocals out of his pocket for closer examination. Hee. That scene was really amusing. You know, the senseless murder of innocents aside.
General Poppy's office. "We would have worked it out. Why did you have to attack us?" Miguel asks. Poppy explains that the U.S. government was putting pressure on them to strike against the cartel. "Out of revenge for the gringo federal agent that was killed," he explains. "They wanted to take out one of your cocaine warehouses. I chose to hit an amphetamine lab. That way you lost only, what? Fifty kilos?" Poppy says. He seems to think that this will please Miguel. "I wish to remain your friend," he says. Miguel coolly offers that he wants to be Poppy's friend as well...and offers to do so to the tune of three million a month.
Miguel comes stalking out of Poppy's office muttering that the general is "lying through his teeth." I don't know who he's talking to -- the bodyguard behind him? God? His Mole? No idea. "What happened to that DEA agent? The American government wants to put that behind them as much as I do," he says. The bodyguard says something in Spanish. I think it was, "Have you had that thing on your face looked at?" "Every man has his weakness," Miguel responds.
"So, I kind of like the shape of my breasts," a topless woman announces. Nice segue. She's in Dr. Benben's office, naturally, but he's not listening at all -- just staring off into the distance as she yaps about her hopes and dreams for a new rack. Eventually, she notices that he's totally zoned out. "Hello? Hello? Are you listening to me?" she asks. Eventually, Dr. Benben snaps to, and offers to "walk [her] through the process." At this moment, two young African-American guys burst through the door. The girl yelps and grabs for her shirt and ends up rolling off the exam table and onto the floor with a thud. Hee. The taller guy -- who was Eddie Winslow on Family Matters! -- tells Dr. Benben that they need to talk. The littler guy -- who was in Drumline -- looks totally thrilled by the glimpse of boobies he just got. Dr. Benben hustles them into his office...
...where he wonders what the hell their problem is! "You don't ever come to this office," he yells. "We need to talk, doc, a'ight?" Eddie Winslow announces. Awesome dialogue. Nice to see that Aaron Spelling paints everyone with the same broad brush of stereotyping. "Now, I wanna meet the Mexicans! But the big dogs," he says. Dr Benben hisses that they can't talk there in the office. "What the hell? Who's this?" he asks, pointing at Drumline. "My enforcer," Eddie Winslow says. Dr. Benben snorts that he finds this hard to believe. "You won't be laughing when I turn him loose on your ass," Eddie Winslow says. In the background, Drumline pokes at a fake plastic breast with a curious finger. "I've never seen him before, Truck," Dr. Benben says. "Does he look like a cop to you?" Truck asks. Which means, of course, that he totally is. "Look here, just introduce me to them Mexicans," Truck continues, explaining that now that he's moving more than two kilos a week, he doesn't need a middleman. Dr. Benben yells that he "wipes [his] ass on more than two kilos a week!" At the yelling, Drumline starts to reach for the pistol in his waistband. "You have no idea how this game is played! You know what you are, Truck? Do you know what you are?" Dr. Benben yells, poking Truck in the pectoral. Truck looks down at the offending finger. "No, tell me. Bitch," he drawls. "What?" Dr. Benben asks, realizing that maybe he's stepped over a line. "What I am," Truck says. "You are a man who is ready to make his move!" Dr Benben chirps suddenly. Perhaps he's realizes that the solution to all of his problems is right in front of him. At this switcheroo in tone, Drumline looks confused, but puts his piece away. "I think fate has brought you here today," Dr. Benben says cheerily, and invites them to take a seat. "Toffee?" he offers.
Cut to Truck's crib, where all of the drugs Dr Benben had been trying to unload are spread over a baby grand piano. "Damn, that's a lot of cocaine, baby," Truck coos, as he and another kid I'll call Polyester (thanks to his disco-era shirt) fondle the drugs. Drumline sits on the sofa and reads a magazine. "Should he even be here?" Polyester asks, nodding at Drumline. "Oh, yeah! He a'ight. Junie my boy!" Truck says. Wow, he is one well-spoken character. But at least Drumline's got himself a name. Truck turns and asks Junie if he'd like to take ten kilos for himself. "I ain't got nowhere to keep it," Junie says. "Keep it at YO HOUSE," Truck says, like this is supremely obvious. "Hell, no. That's my grandma house," Junie says. What I like about this show is that everyone is reduced to the basest of stereotypes. Or are they? I guess that remains to be seen. Anyway, Truck waves Junie's protests off, and changes the subject. He's ready to test the product. Mmm, product.
Back at the ranch. Joey wanders into Marlene's room, sniffing that he had a bad dream. She wraps him into bed to her and asks what he dreamed. "That Dad killed himself," Joey sniffles. Marlene looks very sad, and promises her son that this will never happen. "Tio Jorge did it," Joey points out. "Yes, he did," Marlene agrees, but tells him that Miguel won't. "Baby, that was a bad, bad dream," she repeats, and embraces him warmly. She feels something weird under his pajama top and fishes out a primitive necklace: a copper goat's head on a leather strap. "Tia Lupita give it to me," Joey tells his mother. "She did?" Marlene asks lightly. "Mmm hmm!" Joey chirps. Marlene nicely suggests that they take it off. "I'm sure you'll sleep much better without it," she tells him, turning off the light.
The morning, Marlene stomps into the dining room and drops the talisman right into Lupita's breakfast. "Joey can't accept your gift," she announces icily. "It provides protection," Lupita says, taking a bite of tortilla. I am so hoping for a Dynasty-style catfight between these two sometime in the future. Marlene spits that they don't need her protection. Lupita chews thoughtfully. "Joey is a weak little boy," she says. "You know that weak boys grow up to be weak men. And a weak man is no good to anybody." So, Marlene gets right in her face. "Lupe, you may have the women in this family scared of you, and probably some of them men. But you'll get more than you can handle if you take me on." I have a feeling that that's very true. I can't wait! Catfight! Catfight! But Lupita just chews. "Stay away from my son," Marlene snaps. "Don't even speak to him." Lupita puts down her fork and puts on the talisman as Marlene turns on her heel and stalks out of the room. "Not even in his dreams?" Lupita calls after her. Marlene stops in her tracks, and then turns slowly and looks at her cousin-in-law. Lupita just smiles. Marlene says nothing, but walks off looking slightly shaken. Marlene, you could always just sic BOB on her.
Back in Juarez, Poppy is at lunch with some other general-type people. A really hot woman at another table sends him a drink. And when I say she is hot, I mean it. She is hot. I'd do her. And I like boys. She looks sort of like Salma Hayek. Poppy toasts her, downs the drink, and watches her fellate an olive before going over to chat. She smiles slowly as he thanks her for the drink, then -- quite immodestly -- asks her what she's heard about him. She sort of just cocks her head flirtatiously. I wonder if she's met Chato. Wait, what am I talking about? Chato would have sex with a tractor. She's smoking. I'm sure they've met. "I have my car outside. Is there someplace you would like to go?" Poppy asks her. "To your car," she purrs, and sashays off. Poppy's eyes basically fall out of his skull.
So, NotSalma and Poppy climb into his car. Poppy sends his bodyguard away, and then he starts humping her. She wraps her legs around him, reaches down and...hits him square in the groin with a tazer. Poppy squeals in agony and she slides out from under him and into the front seat, flashing her panties on the way. She reaches back, gives him another good jolt to the groin for good measure, and drives away with a squeal.
So, Poppy comes to, tied to a chair in an anonymous factory. Oh, it must be time for the torture! Anonymous factory. Ropes. Sneering nemeses. Oh, yes. I recognize all the signals from Alias. Miguel saunters up, his arms crossed over his chest. "¿Que tal, amigo? he asks calmly. "I have no fear of death," Poppy sputters. "Can you say the same?" Miguel laughs. "I'm not the one tied to a chair, numbnuts," his Mole comments. "You're not going to die, general," Miguel tells him. "I wouldn't do that to a friend. I want our friendship to last a long time," he drawls, smiling. In the background, NotSalma sits at a table and fiddles with something...it's heroin! She's making heroin! Oh, this isn't going to end well for poor Poppy. "Can you smell it?" Miguel asks, nodding toward the spoon in her hand. "There are people who love that smell. People like drugs, General. Why? Because it makes them feel good." NotSalma takes out a syringe and loads it up with the smack. "That's the only reason why we're friends. It's how I can afford to pay you. It's why you want to get paid," Miguel continues. He approaches Poppy, smiling icily. "Did you ever hear a heroin addict talk about his first shot of dope?" he asks conversationally, as NotSalma struts over with the syringe. "What that feels like? Hmm? No? Every one of them will tell you the exact same thing, General." NotSalma smiles and kneels with a length of rubber tubing. She ties it roughly around Poppy's arm. "It's better than sex," Miguel purrs. And then NotSalma shoots Poppy up! They're getting Poppy addicted to dope! That is genius! Evil, evil genius! And after a moment, Poppy goes all loopy-looking and slack-jawed. Miguel looks remarkably pleased with himself, and takes a puff of his stogie. Wow, see, in the pilot, he really seemed all, like, conflicted and moralistic, but now I just think he's very good at concealing his inner evil. Everyone on this show is evil! It's as though Aaron Spelling has cloned crazy Kimberly from Melrose Place and cast her as every single character. In that case, I can't wait for the episode where Marlene rips off her wig.
Back at the ranch, everyone races into the barn to see Miguel and his very, very doped-up general. Chato is very occupied, lashing Poppy to two posts. "The other cartels had nothing to do with it," Miguel is saying. "The general just wanted to improve his negotiating position." Don Beto nods and watches as Chato finishes up the bondage act with a smile. I'm sure he's very experienced in that arena. "He commands 1200 men and an artillery division. Miguel snatched him without firing a shot," Chato drawls, like this is the hottest thing he's ever heard. At this, Miguel looks over at him and winks! Don Beto examines the blissfully strung-out Poppy. "You always were a greedy bastard," he mutters. Manny comes up to Miguel. "Miguel, let me have a little piece of him," he asks. Miguel doesn't even look at him. "No, Manny. Let's keep him alive and intact." Miguel explains that Poppy will be real easy to deal with when he's totally addicted to heroin. Wow, that is evil. And I mean that in the best way possible.
Later -- I presume -- Miguel and Marlene get ready for Tio Jorge's funeral. But they get so distracted by how hot it is to be this evil that they just start making out, instead.
And we close on the funeral procession, as the family carries Tio Jorge's casket to the gravesite. Everyone makes very serious faces, but I'm sure that each of them is just trying to figure out what their nefarious move ought to be. Killing someone and eating his heart? Setting someone's wife on fire? Pantsing Chato in the village square?
And, on Sunday: more cheesy shenanigans! This time, featuring both Sean Young and Evil Asian Dentist guy from Alias. Also, gunfire, voodoo, kick-boxing and yet another new hairdo for Marlene.