On to the man-eating tigers! Frankly, I think every show could use a man-eating tiger. Instead of asking Joe Millionaire's spurned lady friends to leave the chateau immediately, they could just throw them to man-eating tigers! Instead of Simon Cowell's wrath, the kids on American Idol could wrestle a man-eating tiger! Instead of listening to Dawson yammer on about the beauty and poetry inherent in a the process of editing a teen slasher film, we could just feed him to the man-eating tiger! Come on! That's programming gold, baby!
Anyway. Just so you know, NBC is advising viewer discretion. Those sensitive to violence, drug use, rampant stereotyping or extensive use of cheese are advised to look away. And I'd like to start by mentioning that while I am neither Hispanic nor a drug dealer, I'm going to be try to be sensitive to both demographics. As long as I'm still allowed to make jokes about tacos and blow. (Don't get me wrong: I grew up in Los Angeles. We know from tacos and blow. Dude, I love tacos and blow. Hopefully, this background will give me some useful insights.)
We open on a sun-drenched, dusty construction site. The cinematography in Kingpin is very influenced by Traffic, I think. It's interesting, and I think it works for the subject matter, although I might just be saying that because most everything I learned about drug dealing, I learned from Traffic and because Steven Soderbergh is my secret director boyfriend. Although I keep pressuring to introduce me to George Clooney. Two men stand amid a passel of trucks and bodyguards and chat in Spanish. One of the men is our hero, Miguel Cadena. Who's pretty cute, really. But he has this very distracting mole on his nose. It's really a rather large mole. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the Mole has his own hair and makeup people. Miguel tells the other guy (who has a very realistic-looking porno-style moustache), "Even if there's an earthquake, this hospital will still be standing." Look at that! He's doing good for the community with his drug money! He's sensitive! He cares! He's a twenty-first-century renaissance drug-dealing man! Moustache thinks this is all just wonderful. "Your generosity will be remembered for many, many years to come," he says. "Gracias." They're shaking hands when a posse of SUVs comes roaring into the construction site. Miguel clearly recognizes the cars and looks a little ill at ease. Behind him, his bodyguards exchange exasperated looks.
The SUVs roar to a halt, discharging a whole passel of guys in tight pants and cowboy hats and big old belt buckles. Miguel greets the one that appears to be their leader. (He's wearing the tightest pants.) The leader is tiny, and potentially very, very gay. "Miguel! I have an idea. We dig a tunnel," he begins very cheerfully. Miguel hisses at him to shut up, because he's very busy doing business with the governor. Ah, I get it. Little Tight Pantalones -- whose name, we later learn, is Ernesto -- is the embarrassing relative who just doesn't get how inappropriate he can be. Ernesto struts up to Governor Moustache and waves a fat wad of bills in the man's face. "Want some money? I got money," he offers. Miguel is all, "Oy," and calls Ernesto back. Ernesto is very enthusiastic about this tunnel idea. He wants to dig it right into the middle of the United States. "With engineers," he clarifies. "We can do eet," he yelps, sounding like nothing so much as Bela Karoly at a particularly close gymnastics match. Miguel calmly wonders what the Americans will do when they discover this tunnel. "They won't find out about it! It's a tunnel!" Ernesto yelps cheerfully. Aw, he's so enthusiastic! Sure, he's clearly the Dumb Relative Humiliating Miguel In Front of Very Important People, but at least he's got some spunk! Miguel asks Ernesto if they can talk about the tunnel thing when he gets back from Colombia. Ernesto sort of rolls his eyes, and Miguel asks him to go shake the governor's hand and "show him some respect." "I'd like someone to show me some respect," Miguel's Mole mutters. "I'm acting my ass off up here." Ernesto makes some cranky-baby noises about having to make nice with the government. "The things you do, they reflect on your whole family," Miguel says. And here we go. The other day, Omar G ["who is Hispanic, but who is not, to my knowledge, a drug dealer" -- Wing Chun] pointed out to me that movies and television shows revolving around the Hispanic community always come back to someone talking very seriously about La Familia. And, as he is about so many things, he's completely correct. And that's the inaugural La Familia mention, numero uno on the old La Familia meter. La Familia Count: One. So, Ernesto goes over there and very cheerfully shakes hands with Governor Moustache. "I do it for you, Miguel! I do it for you!" he yells. "See, Miguel! I could be nice! I could be nice!" Miguel just makes a put-upon face.
Cue up the Steely Dan. "Do It Again" plays as a truck rumbles over the Texas border into Mexico. This cues up the Hey! These Guys are Very Successful Drug Dealers! Montage, complete with guys in cowboy hats carrying guns, piles of concealed cocaine, bandannas, fringed vests, and lots and lots of cash. Boxes of cash. A warehouse, just full of cash. A border guard looks bored as a truck sails past him and into Mexico. From this, we get a smash cut to the title, and a shot of Miguel, and then we go right into the scene. That was weird. Were those supposed to be the credits? Because I know that NBC is running this episode with "limited commercial interruption" (words which strike fear into the hearts of recappers everywhere), but it really felt as though there should have been a commercial there.
Instead of the sweet relief of advertising, we get a long shot of the ocean. Bobby Cannavale -- best known as the Funky Spunk guy from Sex & the City and from his role on Third Watch -- stands forlornly on the deck of a very nice yacht and smokes. We find out very shortly that his name is Chato, and that's much easier to type than "Bobby Cannavale," so let's cut to the chase and just call him Chato. Chato tosses his cig into the water and goes inside. On the way to the kitchen, he passes a very scantily clad girl. He kisses her and tells her to find him after he eats.
Chato very crankily makes his way into the galley and starts complaining -- in a rather over-the-top accent -- about all the crappy fish he's had to eat on this damn boat. In addition to the accent -- which, thankfully, pretty much disappears after this one scene -- he's got a touch of what we used to call Kershitis when I recapped The X-Files: he keeps stressing words with no apparent reason whatsoever. "I'm never eating feesh again! No more damn feesh," he yelps. Behind him, the cook just looks depressed and unappreciated. Chato asks if "Tio Jorge" ate anything today. The cook monotones that Tio Jorge didn't eat yesterday, either. Apparently, the cook is very saddened by Chato's inability to appreciate all the good work he's done with seafood lately. Chato yells that Tio Jorge "has to eat," The cook is all, Tell him yourself, you spoiled brat. I slave over a hot stove for you for months at sea, and what do I get? COMPLAINTS. "I do! Tell him," Chato speak-yells. The cook just rolls his eyes and places a plate of fish in front of Chato. Chato looks down as the title credit, "Executive Producers: Aaron Spelling. E, Duke Vincent," flashes under his disgusted mug. Ah, Aaron Spelling and E. Duke Vincent! Sweet music to the ears of those of us who live for le fromage. Chato picks up the fish on his plate -- head and tail still attached -- and starts SPEAKING TO IT. Oh, people: this shit is going to be good. "You know something? I used to like feeesh," he announces, and throws the poor thing on the ground. Behind him, the cook tosses his dishcloth on the stove in frustration.
Cut to Barranquilla, Colombia, where Miguel and his adorable moppet son, Joey, sit in the stands of what looks like a minor-league baseball field, watching guys shag fly balls. Joey truly is darling and, thus, is probably going to get kidnapped at some point. Enter some other dude, who hugs Miguel warmly. Miguel introduces Joey to "Don Carlo" and suggests he ask if he can run around the bases. "Sure, you can run around the bases," Don Carlo says. Joey and three bodyguards/flunkies go off and run around in circles. "I hate my life," one of the bodyguards mutters. "I like the kid, but all this running in circles is killing me" the other one responds.
Up in the stands, Miguel and Don Carlo talk shop. Miguel offers that "Tio Jorge" loves his boat, although he misses his family and friends. "Your uncle's a great man, Miguel. It's a shame he's on the run." Don Carlo exposits, then assures Miguel that "everything's gonna work out fine." Miguel gestures with a cigar and gingerly mentions that he's "teaching the business to [Tio Jorge's] son, Ernesto." Don Carlo looks out onto the field -- where Joey and the guards are still running the bases -- and asks if Ernesto is the one they call "El Huevudo." Miguel wonders if Don Carlo has heard of him. "A few things. A little bit," Don Carlo says carefully. Miguel offers that Ernesto has a lot to learn. Maybe he can spend some time in Colombia with Don Carlo? "Someone like you can teach him a lot," he says nonchalantly. "You could teach him the business from the bottom up, in the coca fields, you know what I mean?" Don Carlo snorts. "Nice try, Miguel. You want to dump him on me?" he asks, laughing. "There's no way." Miguel's like, "Dammit!"
Cut to the dusty banks of the Rio Grande, where two DEA agents wait for their informant. You can tell that Delia, the woman in the driver's seat, is sassy and tough because she's not wearing any lipstick. The other agent -- a man with greasy hair and an enormo-chin -- most recently appeared as the Bantering Bandit in an episode ofDawson's Creekin which Joey was mugged and then sang "Close to You" to her mugger while he was in the hospital (having been hit by a car) until he died. And I'm not making that plot line up, people. "Here he comes," Delia says, as a guy slogs through the river to get to their side of the border. They watch him walk through the water, as the Erstwhile Bandit yammers on about his grandfather, the bootlegger. Delia rolls her eyes at his little story, then tells him that she thinks she had better do all the talking. "You don't say a word. You understand?" she asks.
Bandit and Delia get out of the car to meet the informant, who's sort of small and weaselly-looking. "That's a Mexican state cop?" the Bandito asks, but Delia is all, "Shut it," and greets the now dripping informant, "Rafael," who insists on embracing her. "Let me make you wet," he says. Ew. They hug, but Delia pulls away as soon as she can manage it. She gets right down to business. "So, when can we set up the meeting?" she asks. But Rafael wants to talk about El Bandito -- whose name, it turns out, is Patterson -- and how he looks far too young to be in the DEA, and so on and so forth. Delia really doesn't want to talk about stupid greasy Patterson. She wants to talk about Miguel Cadena. Rafael shrugs that Miguel isn't going to talk to her, and that she really doesn't want to talk to him either. "He's the #2 man in La Corporacion," Delia reminds him. "That's what he thought, too," Rafael shrugs, before explaining that now Tio Jorge has left the country, there's a new guy in charge. "El Huevudo." Rafael doesn't even know his real name. Delia wonders how this new guy can be calling the shots if neither of them has heard of him. Rafael shrugs, and says that he's willing to meet with her, anyway. "I told him I had two Texas cops that are willing to protect all the merchandise moving through El Paso," he says. Delia cocks a brow as Rafael explains that he vouched for them. "I would do anything for you, mi amor," he tells her. This scene, by the way, represents some of the most unromantic use of the words "mi amor" ever put to screen. Why do I think that there's not going to be a lot of smoochy-face action in this show? Delia looks newly perturbed and tells Rafael that she doesn't want to meet with some guy she's never heard of. "You said Miguel answers to this new guy?" she asks, hesitantly. "El Huevudo. Mr. Big Balls," Rafael tells her, then grabs his own sack and starts waving it in Patterson's direction. "You know, huevos, huh? Do you have some huevos, there, huh?" he asks. That is...unspeakably charming. Anyway, Delia tells Rafael that she wants to meet with Miguel or Chato, and that's it. Rafael shrugs that Chato's off with Tio Jorge, and Miguel doesn't want to pay American cops. "I guess he's used to buying his police real cheap," Patterson drawls. Delia turns to him and rolls her eyes as Rafael goes into this whole "Was I talking to you? I do not think I was talking to you! If I'm talking to you, you'll know I'm talking to you" routine. He sounds like one of the gay thugs on Seinfeld. You know, the one who stole Elaine's armoire and then threatened Kramer at the AIDS Walk? Yeah, it's not real threatening.
Anyway, after about a hundred years of my life, Delia stops his yammering and asks if Rafael can get her a picture of Ernesto. "Mi amor, do you think these people let you take pictures?" Rafael asks, before explaining that he's really very stressed out! He's put his life on the line for her! All for her! All because of what she's done for his ¡familia! (La Familia Count: dos.) "I'm a grateful man!" he yells, trudging back toward the Rover. "Rafael Chapa is a grateful man! A grateful man who wanted to get the full name of his character into the dialogue somehow because it'll probably be important later!" He flings his arms in the air and storms into the river, saying that it's all over between them. Those spicy Latinos! So hot-headed! So unpredictable! So good with cilantro! Delia stops him, and says that she'll try to find out something about the new guy. Rafael just waves his arms around. "You people from the DEA. You're just a bunch of letters! DEA, FBI, all of you have your head up your ass!" he yells. "Excuse me?" my Mulder action figure asks from his perch on the sofa. "Well, the man has a point," the Scully reminds him. "Whatever," the Mulder mutters. "At least that kid with the big head isn't on this one."
Once Rafael is out of earshot, Delia turns around and rips Patterson a new one. "Where the hell did you learn to do police work, huh?" she yells and gets into the car. Patterson just stands there and looks greasy, big-chinned, and doomed.
State Court of Chihuahua, Mexico. The DA is talking in subtitled Spanish about a man who allegedly flew in a bunch of cocaine from Colombia at the request of the defendant, a Colonel Solis. He has a sworn statement from this pilot, he says. The defense attorney of the guy who allegedly hired this pilot, by the way, is played by Sheryl Lee, last seen dead, wrapped in plastic, and looking much better than she does now. I don't know if they're trying to make her look hard, or old or drug-addled or something, but she looks just like Jackie "Cocaine-Addicted, Alcoholic Mother of Kelly" Taylor from . She stands, and objects on the basis of the fact that the pilot of the plane didn't survive the crash. The DA is all, "Oh yes, he did!" And she's all, "Oh, no, you di'n't!" And in walks the mysterious pilot. Sheryl Lee looks pissed. And about fifty years old.
Okay. I'm ready for the commercial break. The commercials can pop up any time now. For the love of my fingers, please let the commercials happen soon. But instead we cut to Miguel's private jet, where Joey plays backgammon with some flunky and a mini-skirted flight attendant serves drinks. If I ever have a private plane, I'm totally going to hire only hot guys as flight attendants and I'm going to make them wear hot pants. Miguel's on the Batphone with Sheryl Lee, whose character's name, we finally learn, is Marlene. "The pilot is alive," Marlene spits, before filling Miguel in on the whole deal, explaining that the DA is willing to cut Colonel Solis a deal if he'll testify against whomever he was moving the coke for. "Honey, you need to come home," she tells him. Miguel says he'll be there in an hour and hangs up. He's looking thoughtful when Joey climbs on his lap and asks if he wants to play backgammon. But Miguel's mind is too weighted with the demands of being a drug dealer to play a board game with his son. To his credit, he does look perturbed by his inability to play with the moppet, and pulls him into his lap to make up for it.
Aw, yeah! It's man-eating tiger time! Cut to Cuidad Juarez, and the most over-the-top, pimptastic, gold-plated house ever decorated by man. It's really rather spectacular. People, Donatella Versace would think this place was too much. Apparently, Marlene and Miguel are visiting Ernesto. Marlene explains that "the Colonel is ready to do a full five years." He's not going to sell them out. But Ernesto is still pissed. "Your wife has one job, Miguel! To keep people out of jail! Why can't she do it?" he asks. Marlene just looks bored, as Ernesto yells that they paid good money to that judge. "Okay? We paid GOOD MONEY!" To punctuate this point, Ernest takes out yet another massive bankroll and throws all the cash at Marlene and Miguel. They roll their eyes in unison. Miguel calmly explains that the DA outmaneuvered them. "Okay. So we kill him. We kill him TONIGHT!" Ernesto yells. Man, is he a nutball! It's rather entertaining, really. "Kill the judge?" Marlene drawls sarcastically. "The district attorney," Ernesto hollers back at her. "Yeah, and the judge. Kill the judge, too! I don't care!" Marlene and Miguel exchange looks, and Miguel explains that they really don't want to go to war with the government. Marlene points out that they really need to find out how the government could keep the pilot a secret for so long. "God! QUIT!" Ernesto screams. "Tell your wife that her voice, her little nyah-nyah voice, is making me sick!" Ernesto sounds like a frustrated recapper. Miguel tells him to chill. "With your father on the run, the government is getting aggressive. We have to be twice as smart now," he says. Ernesto throws another little tantrum and yells that he's the one who's calling the shots. "Me! ¡El Huevudo!" And then he grabs his balls. There's a whole lot of ball-grabbing on this show. Do they do that on The Sopranos? Huh? Do they? Despite this incredible display, Marlene and Miguel and their flunkies are unimpressed. Ernesto grabs his gun. "I say how it has to be!" he announces, and fires a couple of rounds off into the ceiling. Marlene rolls her eyes and walks off. "Where are you going?" Ernesto asks her. "You are a little much for me today," Marlene deadpans. "What did you say to me, ¿guera?" Ernesto yells at her, his gold medallion swinging furiously across his chest hair. He tosses his firearm to his flunky. "Take her out there," he tells his men. "Take me where?" Marlene asks. "Marlene, please," Miguel says calmly, as Ernesto gets his whip. Yes, I said "his whip." Ernesto announces that he's going to tie Marlene to a tree and use his whip on her bare back. Now he really sounds like a frustrated recapper. "Take her home, both of you. Now," Miguel tells their...bodyguards? Friends? People? Flunkies? Whatever.
As the bodyguards collect Marlene, Miguel wraps Ernesto in a huge, rough embrace. "I don't care how angry you are. You always respect my wife. You understand?" he hisses. "Did you hear how she talked to me?" Ernesto whines. "You're not killing anyone," Miguel says, reminding Ernesto that Tio Jorge is still the boss. He lets Ernesto go, and the boy pouts. "You're not supposed to give me orders. You're supposed to give me advice," he whines. Miguel calmly suggests that they let the Colonel serve his time. "We're not murders, Ernesto. We're businessmen," he says. Yeah, let's see how long that lasts. Miguel calmly ask for the whip, and Ernesto meekly hands it over. "I'm going to go pet my tiger," he announces dreamily, and wanders outside.
Miguel's Casa, a.k.a. the Casa de Queso. "That idiot could ruin everything you and your uncle created," Marlene says, getting ready for bed. Miguel shrugs that Ernesto is all talk. He can handle him. "I know how you could handle him," Marlene suggests darkly. "You want me to blow his brains out?" Miguel asks, taking off his shirt. "I'm up here!" his Mole yells, feeling ignored. "Those abs aren't half the talent that I am! I was trained at the Royal Academy!" Marlene pulls the duvet from the bed. "Your brother could [kill Ernesto] and not even lose a night's sleep," she says. She doesn't want to lose what they have, she tells him. Miguel says nothing. Marlene yammers on and on, wondering why Tio Jorge would put Ernesto in charge instead of Miguel. "Because of my gringa wife?" he offers, smiling at her. They chuckle. "I know what you uncle thinks about me, Mickey. Do you know what he thinks about you?" she asks. But we are never to know, because this is where we cut to...
...the offices of the DEA. Delia's filling her superior in on the scoop about El Huevudo, a.k.a. Ernesto Romo. As far as she knows, he runs a weed plantation. "He's not even on the chart. Now he's supposed to be the majordomo?" her boss asks. He has no name. He never gets a name. She just calls him "Boss." I'm going to call him Hank. Delia shrugs that Rafael Chapa hasn't steered them wrong yet. She wants to go to the meeting. Hank just looks at their chart. He wants to know where "Tio" Jorge Perez is. "He's left Mexico," Delia says. "We don't know that," Hank tells her. Delia shrugs that, wherever Tio Jorge is, his organization continues to run "multi-tons of coke, heroin, marijuana, right past [their] window." It seems worth it to take the meeting, she tells him. Hank reminds her that they can get in real trouble if the Mexico City office finds out they're dealing with a Mexican cop. A Mexican cop who, conveniently enough, is on the phone for Delia right now! Hank wearily suggests that Delia put him on speakerphone. Rafael has good news: Miguel has agreed to meet them. "This is what all you've been waiting for, huh?" Rafael crows. He tells Delia to come to the meeting and asks her to be sure to "bring the gringo," or Miguel will be suspicious.
So, Patterson and Delia drive over the border and into Mexico. "How do you know we can trust Rafael?" Patterson asks. "I mean, he's a corrupt cop." Delia pays attention to the road and reminds her partner that "a lot of Mexican cops are corrupt. A lot of them are DEA informants." Patterson asks how she came across this particular one, and Delia explains that she did a favor for Rafael once -- made a felony drug charge against his sister go away -- and now he's returning the favor. "Just keep your eyes open and don't speak," she tells him. I wish he'd done that on Dawson's Creek.
Delia and Patterson enter a divey Mexican bar, where Rafael embraces her with his usual skeevy enthusiasm. He pushes them into a booth and pours them each a glass of whiskey. "Let's have a little toast while we wait. Come on, drink up," he says. Delia looks at the bartender's cigarette, and then the ice in her glass of whiskey. Something, clearly, has set off her hink-o-meter. Rafael implores them to drink up. Patterson is guzzling his booze, but Delia wants to see him outside. She gets up. "What's wrong?" Rafael asks. "I want to talk to him," Delia says calmly. Rafael offers to go outside with them. "No," Delia says, and nods at Patterson. And then the bartender shoots Patterson in the chest. Patterson falls out of the chair and to the floor, dead. Whoo, gunplay! I'm so excited. I haven't recapped a show with gunplay in months! I forgot how much I like the violence! And then the bartender turns his gun on Delia. I can't believe she went in without her service weapon (although, now that I think about it, that must have been what Rafael was feeling for when he hugged her), a wire, or backup. Rafael makes Delia lie down and cuffs her, as he yells at the bartender to get their bags. He asks Delia why she had to make it so complicated. "You should have had that drink, that's all," he whines at her. "Why are you doing this?" Delia asks from the floor. Rafael hauls her to her feet and walks her out to the car, telling her to shut up. He swears he's not going to kill her. He's just taking her to El Paso. He opens the trunk of her car. "Don't look for me, because you won't find me," he says, before telling her to get into the car. Across the street, a band of interested mariachis watch. Are there really a lot of mariachis wandering around Mexico? I wish I had a band of mariachis following me around, now that I think about it. And someone with a platter of nachos. And some margaritas. I could use a margarita right now, actually. Blended. With salt. A big one. Huh. Where was I? Ah, yes. The bartender comes running outside, waving badge. "This is not a real one! This is from the sheriff's dept!" he yells, throwing it on the ground. "Where is la place, Delia?" Rafael asks, waving his gun in her face. He needs Patterson's DEA badge. "Just kill her already!" the bartender yells. Rafael turns to him and shouts that the badge must be in the car. "Is Miguel behind this?" Delia asks plaintively, and the bartender turns and shoots her right in the gut. She falls into the trunk with a groan. Rafael and the bartender start bickering, and Rafael impulsively plugs him in the chest, kicking his body for good measure. He walks over to the car, where Delia is calling for him. "Please," she groans. He looks at her, almost tenderly, touches her face, and folds her into the trunk.
No commercial, no peace! Come on, people! The burning in my hands, it's agonizing! Miguel meets with some guy in a graveyard. The man is smoking. I'll call him The Smoking Man, since he works for the government (as we learn), he smokes, and he's probably nefarious. "Those things are addictive," Miguel observes. "You said a mouthful, buster," the Smoking Man drawls. "We all wind up in the bone orchard one way or the other." Miguel sort of nods. The Smoking Man announces that he wants Miguel to get Colonel Solis out of jail. "You want him out, you get him out," Miguel says. "It's better that you do it," the Smoking Man says calmly. Miguel points out that he already brought the Colonel to him! "I just wanted to earn some goodwill with the American government," he says. The Smoking Man nods and puffs. "And you have! You've earned it in spades. When you need it, it'll be there for you. Much more so if you get him out," he says. "Because it's better if everyone believes the Colonel works for the drug traffickers and not the CIA," Miguel exposits. The Smoking Man nods. "Get him out how?" Miguel asks. "An armed attack on the jail?" The Smoking Man flicks his ash onto the ground. "Is that not your cup of tea?" he asks acidly. Miguel looks at the ground and then announces that he wants Tio Jorge back in Mexico. The Smoking Man reminds him that Tio Jorge is under indictment in Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico. And there's nothing he can do about that. "The only reason that Mexico wants to extradite him is because of pressure from the United States. And you can do something about that," Miguel points out. The Smoking Man takes a drag, and promises to talk it over "with some people."
Casa de Queso. Miguel goes into the darkroom to find Marlene, who's mucking about with some negatives. "What does he want?" she asks. "They want me to break the Colonel out of jail," Miguel tells her wearily. "Mickey! I wish you'd never tried to trade favors with the CIA," Marlene replies. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has said that to me. Miguel says nothing, then asks Marlene to help him figure out a way to do it without getting any of his compadres killed. The phone rings. "Yes?" Marlene asks. She listens, then looks up at Miguel, disgusted.
Upstairs, the object of Marlene's disgust -- Ernesto -- is talking to Joey. He has something for them, he says. "I think you're going to like it. It's outside," he tells them. Joey wants to see what Ernesto brought them, but Miguel is horrified by the idea of his baby being infected by Ernesto's very special brand of crazy.
Outside is a huge SUV with a big bow on it. Marlene and Miguel make identical appalled faces. "Surprise! That's for you. To make up for trying to beat you with my whip!" Ernesto chirps. "Wonderful," Marlene crabs. Must she be so unpleasant? Ernesto is just trying to apologize! Ernesto asks if things are okay now, with them. "It matches your house," he offers meekly. Miguel and Marlene are looking stunned when another car pulls into the driveway, this one piloted by Rafael. With a dead body in the back of his truck. This, of course, is when all hell breaks loose: Miguel is yelling that he doesn't do business at his house! Rafael is tossing around Patterson's DEA badge and looking for his $500,000! Marlene is squealing like a scalded cat! Finally, Miguel tackles Ernesto and forces him to focus. "You bring this to my house! You bring this to my house! My family is here!" (La Familia Count: three.) Ernesto doesn't really get the logic, here. "Insane! You assassinated a U.S. Federal Agent!" Marlene yells. Joey watches from the window. If y'all are so worried about the kid, maybe you should keep your voices down, you know. Miguel asks if Jorge knows about this assassination thing. "He approved it," Ernesto tells him. " If La Dea comes after us, we go after La Dea." Everyone looks at each other for a beat. "So, you want the body or what?" Rafael finally asks. Hee. "I pay for it, no?" Ernesto replies. Finally, Miguel shoos all of them off his property and away from the house. "Miguel's a party pooper, anyway. Let's go," Ernesto says. I sort of love Crazy Ernesto. Everyone very cheerfully leaves, as Miguel and Marlene mope.
Cut to Old El Paso. The cops find Delia's car, parked by the side of the road. They rescue her from the trunk. She looks like shit, but at least she's not dead. Dying in the pilot blows.
And we go to commercial at last! Thank you, kind sponsors! Praise be to God and all His Saints!
After seven delightful ad-filled minutes, we go back to the boat. Miguel hops on board and embraces his brother. They're very happy to see each other. I mean, very happy. Kind of...inappropriately happy. "It's good to see you, brother," Miguel says, looking down at Chato's piece. I'm talking about his gun, perverts. "He makes you wear that thing?" Miguel asks. Chato shrugs and explains that it's just in case the Americans "send a commando boat after" them. Wow, he's a real close talker. I seriously think he wants to kiss Miguel. Are they, like, in love? Because incest HoYay! is a really interesting directorial choice. I don't know if I would have gone in that direction myself, but to each his own. Anyway, Chato complains that his situation wouldn't be so bad if they'd let him leave the boat to get a decent meal. "He won't let me visit my daughter," he adds. "Maribel is fine," Miguel assures him. "Sure?" "Yeah."
And with that, Chato takes Miguel into a room full of half-dressed, very languid girls, smoking opium. A floating opium den! That is so the work of Aaron Spelling. I bet he's been trying to shoehorn an opium den into something for years! "Could Brenda and Kelly get kidnapped and sold into the opium trade? No...How about Amanda? Would Amanda Woodward maybe open an opium den in Allison's apartment while Allison is in rehab? Probably not...I know! The Camdens discover that Ruthie is going to an opium den instead of soccer practice! No, that's all wrong....Hey! I know!" Yeah, so, Miguel is appalled. "How long has this been going on?" Miguel asks, looking at his unconscious uncle. "Last three weeks, he's been chasing it non-stop. There's nothing else to do out here," Chato says. Tio Jorge is passed out in red silk boxers, on red silk sheets, in the midst of the girls. Yet another delicious Spelling touch. Miguel looks concerned. "Chato, why didn't you tell me?" he asks. Chato shrugs that he knew Miguel would only worry.
Back on dry land, Hank is visiting Delia at the hospital. He sits and asks her how she feels. "Boss...I'm sorry," she whispers. He tells her that this whole mess is his fault. "I didn't believe in this operation from the get-go. I wanted to stay focused on Jorge Perez." In other words, it's his fault because he was right? That does not resemble our earth logic. Delia blinks plaintively. "I walked him right into it. I got that kid killed," she says. Hank gently takes her hands. "Patterson died a hero's death," he says. "We still don't know what happened to the rest of his body." Delia makes a perplexed face, and Hank explains that "they only sent the head. Sent it to the U.S. Embassy in Mexico City with the ID in its mouth." That's what I'm talking about! Severed heads! Tigers! Weird, V.C. Andrews-esque brotherly love!
Back to the Floating Opium Love Shack of Love and Drugs. "I don't want it to be over yet. I don't want this business to fall apart," Miguel tells Chato, smoking a cigar. He says that they're trying to arrange for Tio Jorge to come back home. "But that can't happen if we're murdering Americans. It's insane," he says. At this, Tio Jorge stumbles into the living room wearing his smoking jacket and reeking of the demon poppy. I never get to type that sentence recapping Dawson's Creek! He asks what Miguel is doing on the boat. "I wanted to see how you're doing." Tio Jorge rolls his eyes. "How I'm doing? How the hell do you think I'm doing? Out here, away from my rancho, away from my ¿familia?" La Familia Count: four. Chato prompts Tio Jorge to tell Miguel that he's happy to see him, and Tio Jorge grudgingly does. They all sit down.
"Ernesto says that you approved a half-million-dollar bounty on U.S. drug agents?" Miguel begins. "Si, I did." Tio Jorge says. "I did." Miguel rolls his eyes and explains that this is like declaring war on the United States: "One agent was killed already." Jorge says something about having to send a message to the other cartels: that they're not weak in this period of fluctuating leadership or some such. They have to maintain the upper hand. Miguel smiles and takes the old man's hand. It seriously looks like they're about to break out into a hardcore thumb war. "This is a bad situation, Tio," Miguel finally says. "Your son? This is too much for him to handle. Me, and Chato, we should be running La Corporacion." Tio yelps that he needs Chato with him! And Miguel is supposed to be helping Ernesto, not working against him! "He is not fit to lead," Miguel says. "He's a total wackjob," the Mole adds. "My Son! Is Not! Stupid!" Tio Jorge bellows. "And maybe I'm not educated like you, but I know one thing, Miguelito. You don't want to be the boss." Miguel examines his cigar very closely. "You think I'm weak?" he asks. "I think you think too much," Tio Jorge says. Miguel would like to know what that means, exactly. "It Means! To be a leader of MEN! You have to be BOLD! And not full of DOUBTS! About the LIFE! You're living! HOMBRE," Tio Jorge shrieks. Around him, the scenery screams and runs for its life. This guy is way over-dramatic. Miguel points out that he chose to be a part of this -- to come back home. He's proud of their business, he says. "YOU! DON'T! QUESTION ME!" Tio Jorge yells. "I am totally not questioning you, freakshow," Miguel's Mole mutters. "I HAVE SEEN THE FLAMES OF HELL!" Tio Jorge yells. " I HAVE SWAM THROUGH RIVERS OF BLOOD! YOU DON'T QUESTION MEEEEEE!" And, with that, he stumbles back to the opium den. Wow. Kids: don't do drugs. "You better figure out a way to get him home. He's going crazy on this boat," Chato obviouses, and follows the lunatic back into the bedroom. Miguel just wearily rubs his eyes.
Casa de Queso. Marlene lies on the bed and looks at proof sheets. Is she a lawyer or a photographer, or what? "Hi," Miguel says morosely. "I want you to do something for me."
Ernesto's Crazy Camp. King Crazy is playing with his tiger. He's wearing a mask on the back of his head, and he's making Miguel talk to the mask instead of his face. See, I told you: crazy. Deliciously crazy. I think I love him. "I have fed this tiger by hand ever since he was a little cub," he says, throwing meat at the animal. "I know he loves me. But I also know that he's waiting for his chance to jump on me and eat me," he says. Over Ernesto's shoulder, Miguel makes this hilarious face, like he can't believe he has to converse with a plastic mask. Finally, Ernesto turns to look at Miguel. "That is why I wear this -- so he will never think I'm turning my back on him," he explains. Behind them, the tiger licks his lips. "Don Carlo wants to meet you," Miguel finally says. Ernesto wrinkles up his nose. "¿El Colombiano? What for?" Miguel explains that Don Carlo and Tio Jorge go way back. "He knows you're calling the shots now. He wants to get to know you," Miguel explains. Ernesto smiles blissfully. "Okay! Miguel, set up the meeting!" And then he turns back to the tiger. "Professionalism is very important to Don Carlo. You want to make a good impression on him," Miguel explains tightly. The mask nods at Miguel. "Of course," Ernesto agrees, throwing a human leg to the tiger, who just laps it up. "He's so cute," Ernesto coos. "He likes his food!" Miguel forces a smile.
Meanwhile, Marlene snaps a picture of Miguel and Ernesto talking.
Back the house, it's Fun With Photoshop! Marlene takes her photo of Ernesto and pastes his head into a phony "Wanted" poster. Adorable moppet Joey wanders into the office and whines that he's bored. Marlene tells him that she's very busy and she can't play with him. "Why don't you go play with Maribel?" she asks. "I don't like Maribel. All she likes to do is eat," Joey says. Get it? Like father, like daughter. Marlene turns and smiles at him, then tickle-tortures him all the way out of the room. Aw, Little Joey is really cute.
So, Don Carlo, Miguel and Ernesto confab in Ernesto's pimpalicious Louis XIV living room. Ernesto sucks down tequila and giggles like a child on the sofa. Don Carlo appears less than impressed. "All we do is sell what people want to buy," he says, then explains that when drugs are finally legalized, they will be seen as "pioneers of big business." Ernesto is all, "Whatever," and asks if Don Carlo is aware that Miguel is a United States citizen. Miguel explains that he has dual citizenship. Mid-citizenship explanation, Marlene comes stomping inside, waving the phony Wanted poster. "I'd say you got their attention, Ernesto," she snaps, handing it to him. "I don't let no one take my picture," he comments. "Damnit, Ernesto," Miguel says. "This means war, now." Ernesto rolls his eyes. "Do you think this scares me? This paper? This little paper? See what I do with this paper?" he asks, then crumples it up and uses it to wipe his ass. No, he really rubs it all in and over his ass. Don Carlo turns away as Marlene says that, for a million dollars, one of the federales on their own payroll might take a shot at him. "I go after them, okay?" Ernesto says. Don Carlo shakes his head and says that it's not necessary to wage war on his own government. "All you need's a new face. What's the name of that plastic surgeon?" he asks, "the gringo?" Ernesto turns to them, his eyes wide. "Surgeon?" he asks.
Over in Houston, said plastic surgeon is checking the wounds of a woman who makes a play for some nice, sweet Vicodin. He advises that she try some Tylenol. And then he gets a phone call and...
...the thing you know, he's on Miguel's private plane with a drink and a cigar and a hot young babe coming on to him.
Over at the local church -- which is really beautiful -- Miguel talks to the Bishop. He's got a donation for the church: a big box full of cash. "A lot of good will be done with this," the Bishop says, and then asks Miguel if he "wants to talk." Miguel smiles sadly. "Not today, your Excellency," he says. But the Bishop insists.
Across town, Ernesto is getting ready to go under the knife. Not surprisingly, he's really not very calm about it. His flunkies lean over the surgeon's shoulders, watching his every move. Our surgeon -- and what is it about this show, not giving people proper names right off the bat? -- looks sweaty and alarmed.
The Bishop -- let's call him Father Melfi -- takes Miguel into his office for a nice little sit-down and asks how he's sleeping. Miguel says he's doing better. "I'm having good nights," he offers. "Without the pills?" the Bishop asks. Miguel looks at his shoes and admits that he's still taking sleeping pills.
In surgery: Nameless Surgeon Played by Brian Benben gets ready to slice and dice, but he can't perform with Ernesto's flunkies boring holes in his back with their eyes. "Trust me," he says. "You want my hands to be very steady. They should go." The threat to Ernesto's face finally convinces him and the flunkies are dismissed. "Gracias," the surgeon sighs.
Father Melfi is talking about Jesus. Apparently, He loves Miguel.
At the hospital, Ernesto's flunkies are mowed down in a shower of gunfire by Miguel's people. I hate it when that happens.
Father Melfi wants to hear Miguel's confession. "Not today," Miguel says. "Not on the days we murder people," his Mole pipes up.
Slicing. Dicing. Machine-gun fire. Our nameless surgeon hears this and drops his knife and runs, leaving Ernesto all alone with Sharpie on his face. Miguel's henchmen burst in and shoot him dead. Dead! But what's going to happen to his tiger?
Miguel and his Mole leave the church, walking right by Jesus without batting an eye. In his office, Father Melfi looks thoughtfully down at his cash in a box.
Back to the Floating Opium Den of Love. Chato smokes thoughtfully, then walks into Tio Jorge's room. And shoots him dead. I guess he's really sick of fish.
Ernesto's body is dumped at the border. Poor, crazy Ernesto. I think I'm going to miss you and your whip and your tiger and your gold-plated living room walls the most.
Casa de Queso. Marlene paces around in a really ugly bias-cut flowered dress. Enter Miguel. "Chato called," she says. He's silent. Also, very sad and guilty-looking. Not to mentioned conflicted. Marlene kisses his forehead. "I love you, Mickey," she whines. But Miguel doesn't want to make out. "This is nothing to be happy about," he tells her quietly. Marlene nods. "We had to do it," she insists. "We did what had to be done." How else do you want to structure that sentence, Marlene? "What had to be done was done by us. That which had to be done was done by the people in this room. It had to be done and we had to do it and it was done." She reaches up to touch Miguel's face, but he moves her hand away and clears his throat. "I'm going to go pick up Joey," he says, and leaves. Oh, burn!
And now, time for the infamous dream sequence, beloved by artsy dramas and tales of drug abuse everywhere. This dream features Little Boy Miguel -- complete with Mini-Mole -- standing in...fields? With poppies? Sure. Let's go with that. He's standing with a laughing man. to a cobra. What was that all about? Dear Aaron Spelling: symbolism is not your bag. Remember that episode of where Dylan was in the coma and he had that dream about Jack McKay and it was all symbolic and whatnot? That episode sucked. Bear that in mind, okay?
Finally, Miguel wakes up to see Joey watching him. He tries to tell the kid to go to bed, but Joey still wants to play backgammon. "Okay, you adorable moppet!" Miguel says. "You are the only bright spot in our dark, murderous life," the Mole adds sadly.
Elsewhere on dry land, Mirabel and Chato eat tacos and laugh and laugh. Chato could not be happier to be eating proper, non-seafood vittles. Frankly, I could also go for a taco right now. Mmm, tacos.
On Miguel's private plane, the whore sleeps on the surgeon's lap. He looks confused and perturbed.
Back in the U.S., Delia does chin-ups and cries. Buck up, little camper! So, you got shot. Think of all the horrible things that happen to federal agents on TV every day: getting abducted by aliens, being mysteriously impregnated, having their roommate replaced with an evil clone, being forced to parent Kim Bauer. Getting a slug in the gut is a breeze!
Casa de Queso. Miguel and Joey play backgammon. Downstairs in the darkroom, Marlene snorts a line of coke. Dum dum DUM!
On Tuesday: a family summit! Danny Trejo! A white horse! Bad hair on Marlene! But...where's the man-eating tiger?