Peter's panicking, without the benefit of being able to flail his arms around and jump up and down. Anteater's all, dude? You are a serious mess, my friend. He has this kind of Soul Train vibe going with his voice, which is totally cracking me up for some reason. "Save your strength, that would be my advice," says Anteater. "You'll need it." He whips around, and the thing we see is Peter being dragged out of the frame. Then a big ol' truck is driving down the road. The guy driving it gets a surprised look on his face when he sees Peter, now lying directly to the road. The trucker stops and gets out, going over to Peter. Peter tries, once again, to get his inner voice to communicate, but the trucker doesn't hear him. And finally, Peter gets that he's not actually talking out loud. "This is bad," he says, offering the understatement of the millennium.
The trucker goes back to his rig and calls in on his CB. He gets a mobile EMT unit, and they head to the crash site. When they arrive, a sheriff is setting off flares around the area. One of the EMT guys gets on the horn and contacts Kingdom. Hook enters as the nurse on duty gets the call. Back at the site, the EMTs hover over Peter, trying to get a response out of him. Nada. The nurse checks in and asks how Peter's doing. The EMTs are at a loss, not sure whether Peter's a goner or not. There's more medical jargon bandied around, but all you really need to know is that Peter has multiple fractures of his legs and ankles, a broken pelvis, and multiple head injuries. Look, the dude's in bad shape, okay? But since the rest of the series kind of revolves around him, I'd say he's not going anywhere that doesn't involve the living.
They load him into the ambulance and drive off. We hear the Fountains of Wayne song that Peter was listening to while he jogged. We hear this song a lot during this episode for some reason. Are the lyrics significant or something? Or was this the song Stephen King was listening to when he was mowed down? It doesn't suck or anything, but one time might have been enough, you know? So, anyway, Peter's being attended to in the ambulance. We hear what I can only assume is Anteater's voice, instructing Peter to watch for "Mary" and listen for her bell. Peter looks over into the corner and it's the Bell Girl again, watching him. Anteater informs Peter that Mary's bell is a death bell. Aaaand we go to commercial again. Some more.
After the break, Peter takes a turn for the worse and starts to flatline. The EMT paddles him, and he comes back. Yeah. Because I was worried there for a second. The ambulance makes its way to Kingdom. Speaking of Kingdom, Hook's scrubbing in and barking orders. Some woman doctor asks Hook if he's okay with this one. The attending nurse is all, he's fine, you just worry about your case. Woman Doc's all, yeah, but my case is "Druse." Hook's all, again? Heh. Sucker. He passes behind some other doctor and -- I know him! I know that guy! Jamie Harrold! I went to college with him. He specializes in sort of creepy or weird guy roles, and he actually is that creepy and weird, but in an endearing sort of way. He's the kind of guy who would show up to class wearing clown pants. I mean, actual bonafide clown pants. Purchased from a CLOWN. He was just…interesting. And judging by his current role, he is still actively in pursuit of all things…interesting.
Elsewhere in the hospital, an orderly is wheeling Diane Ladd down a hallway. It would appear that Diane Ladd is the infamous "Druse" the doctors were discussing, and she's a chronic hypochondriac. The orderly is her son. Diane's suffering from pins and needles in her right arm. Her son ain't buying it.
Over in Otto's Office of All Things Non-Security, he's feeding something to his dog. Behind him, one of the monitors shows Peter's ambulance pulling up. Peter's yanked out of the ambulance and into the hospital toward the operating room. The EMTs get him onto the operating table, and the attending nurse is peeved that Peter doesn't have a wallet on him. Fortunately, one of the EMTs knows who he is.
As the EMT informs everyone that Peter is Peter Rickman, famous artist and Castleview resident, Peter hears all this as if he's coasting around at the bottom of a fishbowl. When it's discovered that Peter's getting no air into his lungs, Hook informs my friend Jamie, whose character's name is "Elmer," that it's time to perform a little party trick. Oooh! I love party tricks! I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. Really! And I can do any accent you name. I swear! I wonder what Hook can do. Oh, EW! All he can do is stick a needle in Peter's chest! That probably does not go over well at birthday gatherings or anniversary celebrations. Hook tries to get Peter to blink his eyes and let everyone know he can hear them. Peter can't. All he can do is talk to himself in his inner voice.
As Peter holds a conference with his inner voice, the operating room staff all crowd around his head and Hook starts ordering weird shit like, "I want a dozen double-stuffed Oreos, I.V. push. Ready with a thousand milligrams of peanut butter crackers and two amps of Nestle's Quik." Mmmm. "Nestle's Quik." Hee. The other people just laugh, and Elmer smacks his gum grossly. Then Hook brings out a chainsaw, looking as if he's just going to cut Peter in half. Again, we hear Fountains of Wayne. Peter's eyes look terrified.
We cut to Diane Ladd's room. The annoyed woman doctor enters and greets Diane. Or Druse. Or whatever. The doctor introduces herself as Christine Draper, Neurosurgeon and Potential Hook Love Interest. Draper tends to the task at hand, which is, um, a hand. Mrs. Druse's hand is full of needles and pins and thus is a problem because she needs that hand for her pendulum. You see, she's a psychic. That's why she needs her hand. Not because she needs to, um, EAT or WRITE or HAIL A CAB or anything.
Otto presses a button on the switchboard, and somewhere in the bowels of the hospital, a phone rings. Hook scoots up in his Docmobile and hears the phone. The area down here is decorated like a forensic science major's dorm room. There are beaded room dividers hanging from the ceilings, lots of blue fluorescent lights, and the occasional pile of white coats. Hmmm. Seems that this is Hook's home away from home. Or, more likely, just his home. Ew. He picks up the phone, tells Otto that he's on his way, and gets back in the Docmobile.
Upstairs, James, Gravel, and Suki are exiting an elevator, with Suki doing some more freaking out and demanding to see Hook, her husband's doctor. Luckily, Hook's waiting for them as they approach. In Peter's room, Anteater is whispering sweet nothings in his ear, which Peter appears to be translating. The closed captioning inform us that Peter hears "Antubis" a couple of times, then "guardian of the gate." I also heard "ferryman" and "brings souls to the other side," but closed captioning didn't catch those. Then Peter asks Anteater if he, Peter, is going to die. Anteater just makes a deep rumbling noise and looks away.
Over in the Office of All Things Non-Security, Otto Dog perks up when he sees what looks like a circa-1940s ambulance backing into the emergency area. Otto's sleeping, so he doesn't notice it. In case ghostly girls, ancient dolls, kitchen workers with ESP, random earthquakes, or a circa-1940's ambulance haven't sufficiently clued us in to how nutted up Kingdom Hospital is, we're treated to a repeat of part of the introductory Creepy Voice-over Man speech. "This is Kingdom Hospital. Which stands on uneasy ground." The lights on top of the old ambulance continue to flash, and it's quite obvious that there's no one behind the wheel. Otto Dog keeps looking at the monitor, but now the ambulance has disappeared. He agitatedly lies back down. "Here, the cold and the damp have returned," continues Creepy Voice-over Man as we visit a corpse with a toe tag. "And, as the gate swings open…the dead may also return." Oh, honey. Believe me. There's no "may" about it. They're back. And they're more than a little bit pissed off, if I may be so bold.
After we return from commercial break 4,588, Hook is asking Suki if she'd like a few minutes alone with Peter. Hook tells her that she's free to talk to him, but he most certainly won't answer. He might, however, open his eyes, so for god's sake don't FREAK OUT. Suki wants to know if Peter's in a coma. Hook says that he's not, but he's also not conscious or responsive, both of which are normal after trauma and surgery. God. Could we get on with the creepy stuff? I'm not cut out for the medical drama crap, okay? I recap Alias, for fuck's sake! Not C.S.I. All I know how to recap are wigs and emergency spy rescues! Come on! Get to the good stuff, and make it snappy!
Sally goes on to say that she's returned, and it's just about time too. "The vibrations have changed," she says. "They're not good here." Lenny looks confused. Or blind. Or both. "I think…I think that Kingdom Hospital is haunted," she concludes. Well, duh. Lenny seems surprised at this declaration. Sally tells him that they have to resume their séances immediately as of tomorrow, and that it's Lenny's job to tell the others. Lenny's all, Sally! I didn't recognize you until you started yammering about haunted shit! Hey! Whassup! You're back! They hug. She assures him that she's back and they're going to set things right, once and for all.
Back in Peter's suite, Suki's still by his side. Hook enters and offers her some tissues. For some reason, we then get a shot of Hook putting another box of tissues elsewhere in the room. This show is so weird that you never know what might be significant, so I just thought I'd mention it in case the tissue box becomes a relevant plot point later in the hour. Suki wants to know if she can stay with Peter tonight. Hook kindly tells her that she can't, and places yet another tissue box in yet another location. He then tells her about the hospital apartments, and places the final box of tissues in the bathroom. I just…yeah, I don't know.
Suki asks if Hook was the doctor who treated her husband, even though she already knows that. Whatever. Hook says that yes, he was, and that Peter had a hematoma on his brain. Or something. Not Heathen or Sobell, people. Just not. Hook blathers on some more about Peter's medical issues while all the ghosts all over Kingdom Hospital start yawning and switching the channel and heading out for more beer. GET. ON. WITH. IT. I mean, is Peter's medical condition really integral here? Or was Stephen King intent on telling EVERYONE just what happened to him on that Maine country road? Like, Hook details every last one of Peter's injuries, and after checking the web, I discovered that they're almost identical to King's. I mean, I like Stephen King and everything, and I'm sorry that all that crap happened to him, and I'm glad he's okay, but WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH THE STORY?
I'm assuming we veer from the intertwining of Stephen and Peter's stories when Hook informs Suki that Peter's spine and skull were also severely damaged. Suki gets up and walks away, asking if Peter will be able to walk or use his hands. Hook doesn't really have an answer, except that the good news is, Peter seems to be able to breathe. The bad news, however, is that Peter doesn't seem to be responding to stimuli to his legs or arms, meaning he may be paralyzed. They simply don't know. Suki's all, dude? When he wakes up, is he gonna be a quadriplegic? Hook's all, look, I don't know, okay? When I signed on to do this, I was told it was a GHOST series, not a HOSPITAL series! I don't know what's going on any more than you do! And, you know, the damage could be permanent. Or something.
God. More of the medical back and forth. I don't want to belittle what Suki's going through here or anything, but this entire storyline has NOTHING to do with Kingdom Hospital. Especially this part here where Hook gets frustrated and states that Peter is one "talented, driven man." Like, what? Stephen? You rock, okay? Let it go already. "His chances are 100 percent…or zero," says Hook. "But we have to be ready for the zero. I'm sorry." At the words "I'm sorry," Suki chooses to, again, freak the fuck out. Hook basically tells her that the chances of her Peter waking up to be the same old Peter she's known and loved are between slim and none. "The chances that he will be his old self…and walk?" says Hook. "Infinitesimal." He apologizes some more and starts to move toward her, as if to hug her, but she just runs off to the bathroom. Hook checks Peter's pulse as we hear Suki vomiting loudly from the bathroom. Suki finishes and flushes the toilet. She gets up and sees one of the boxes of tissues that Hook placed randomly around the room. She sort of smiles ruefully at it and takes one, exiting the bathroom.
Suki walks over to Hook and is all, you know, we can afford the best treatment that money can buy, but, uh, I'd really appreciate it if you'd stick by him instead. I'm not joking. That's what she says. Like, basically, we can afford the best, but we don't want the best. We want you. Hook's just saved her husband's life and she's like, yeah, we could air-lift him to Cedar-Sinai, but you have nice crow's feet and you're a little weird, so could you keep an eye on him for me? Lord. For some reason, Hook thanks her for this bizarro backhanded compliment. Suki then declares that she's going to need one of those Kingdom apartments. Open-ended. I'm confused. Doesn't she live, like, five minutes away? Why does she need an apartment? I…oh, say it with me: Whatever. Suki says that Peter's a fighter and Hook tells her that he knows that.
We leave the Suffering Suki and head on over to Stoner Dude's house, where Stoner is enjoying some late-night TV and a nice glass of bongwater. He's watching some odd game show wherein the contestant has to answer a question in time or face electrocution. Interesting. I don't think that would fly on the Game Show Network. Stoner Dude opens up a pill bottle and swallows a dozen or so capsules. He munches on them and then chases them with a beer. Nice snack there, dipshit. As the contestant fails to answer the question in time, the host ramps up the electricity and Stoner Dude ramps up his intake of pills, chasing them down with even more beer. The show is interrupted by something on the screen, which catches Stoner Dude's eye, but not enough to stop him from polishing off the entire bottle of pills and the beer. Then the show is totally interrupted by a picture of Peter, flat out in the dirt, with blood all over his face. Stoner Dude's clearly upset by the hit-and-run he performed earlier in the day. He slurringly blames the accident on his dog, kicking him gently on the butt for emphasis. Charlie, the dog, just growls in response. Just then, we hear the sound of a door squeaking and a loud thump. Stoner Dude gets up to investigate. He's about to head up the stairs to the second floor when he chooses, instead, to head to the back of the house. A door at the top of the landing creakily swings open, but Stoner Dude's already heading to the back. He opens a door at the back of the house and steps into what looks like a room that's a dumping ground for all his old crap. No one's there except for a creepy little kewpie doll and some haunting music. Stoner Dude turns, convinced the room is empty, and a shadow flashes past outside one of the windows. That can't be good.
Back in the doctor meeting, one of the other doctors asks Hook how Peter is. Hook responds that he's stable. He turns to Dr. Chris and asks her whassup. She responds that she admitted Sally Druse yesterday. Everyone finds this amusing. Elmer's all, what is this, her tenth visit? Hook's all, hey, maybe she's not crying wolf this time, yah? Dr. Chris announces that she ordered an MRI; for some reason, this irritates Dr. Brenda. Again, this scene goes on way too long. All we're really supposed to take away from this is that Steg is a jerk, everyone knows it, no one can do anything about it, so everyone just works around it.
Just for kicks, we have to watch Steg try to put a car jack thingie on his steering wheel. I have no idea what they're called because I don't have a car and I never plan to, and even if I did, I wouldn't use one of these things. The Punks are still watching and sneering. Steg, far too paranoid for his own good, pulls a car boot from his trunk and puts it on his front wheel. THIS. SCENE. JUST. KEEPS. GOING. Then he puts a paper bag over the meter which…isn't he in the damn hospital parking lot? Or were all the doctors' spots taken and now he's in the…OH MY GOD WHO GIVES A DAMN? This scene is never going to end. The only high point? The country version of "Gin n Juice" that's playing right now. It's killing me. Nutshell? Steg's not only a jerk, he's an unstable jerk, who is so unhinged that he lets a bunch of kids on the corner drive him into a complete tailspin just because they're making fun of how paranoid he is.
Somewhere in the hospital, we're treated to a close up of a nameplate that reads "JOHNNY B. GOODE." Ha ha. Very funny. My sides. The phone rings and Charles Martin Smith, he of Starman fame, picks up the phone and says, "Maintenance." Okay. That was necessary. Then we're back with Sally as Bobby is leading her out of MRI. Bobby calls his mother a crackpot, then feels bad about it, and says he's very fond of her. They embrace, and then Bobby shoves his mother into elevator two. She travels alone down to the second floor. Then we're back with Steg as he approaches Johnny B. Goode's office. He knocks and starts to greet CMS as if he's Mr. Goode. He's not. Instead, he's a smart ass named Earl Swinton who's just holding down the fort while Mr. Goode's, uh, gone. Steg's all, yeah? Well, where is he? Earl just gives him some lip about how Maine ain't like Boston or something. Steg's all, yeah? Well, there's a crack in the parking lot. Earl goes, "You're kidding! I got one o' those too! And it's in the back of my pants!" OH, HA HA FUCKING HA. God. Earl tells Steg he has to fill out a maintenance form and that he should take a seat. Steg just storms off, not being able to waste another precious minute with this moron. I know just how he feels.
Elevator Two. Sally's just humming to herself, enjoying the not-yet-creepy solitude. Suddenly, the elevator stops. There's the sound of metal squeaking. Then the lights go out. Sally's all, helloooo? Someone there? More ominous sounds. Sally just keeps saying hello. A panel in the ceiling flings open. Sally just keeps asking if somebody's there. Nobody's answering, however, so Sally should really think of a different question to ask. Even more squeaking. Sally tells whoever it is that they're frightening her. She hits the alarm button. Otto sees this and tries flicking a switch. Nothing happens. Steg walks up and goes, "Can't you stop that, man? THIS IS A HOSPITAL!" I have a feeling we're going to be hearing that a lot from Dr. Stegman.