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It's time for the Cains' annual charity dinner, and, in order to keep Leopold's abduction under wraps, everyone has to pretend like nothing's amiss. This sends Aubrey off into a snit, and she spends three-fourths of the episode giving Meadow Soprano a run for her money for top honors in the Snottiest Offspring of a Well-To-Do TV Character tournament before coming through with a nice toast for the party guests at the end of the episode. So that redeems herâ¦I guess. Special Agent Atkins certainly seemed impressed.
Ma Cain isn't doing much better keeping it together, especially when this week's mysterious stranger shows up at the charity function demanding money for Leo's safe return. He's an imposter, of course, clued in to Leo's disappearance by a stoner friend of Aubrey's during her I-hate-my-family fits earlier in the episode. On the bright side, we get to see Knapp beat the holy hell out of both the imposter and the stoner,so we have that going for us at least.
Oh, and there's another unwanted visitor at the Cain gala -- the shadowy Sully that Conrad tried to get in touch with during last week's episode. Turns out Sully's an organized crime figure who Conrad used to run with when the two of them were juvenile delinquents. Conrad's got it in his head that Sully has something to do with Leo's abduction -- a conclusion that I was able to discern when Conrad dangles Sully off the roof of the Cain apartment and demands to know where his son is. You would think that such rash behavior might come back to haunt Conrad, but fortunately for him -- and unfortunately for Sully -- Sully gets gunned down upon his return to the mean Sunnysider streets. So there's another person implicated in the kidnapping who's due for a long dirt nap.
Finally, we learn that Jimbo really likes shrimp puffs, that the kidnappers tasked with babysitting Leo are having interpersonal problems, and that Leo's plan of escape involves a razor blade, cheese, and a leg infection that makes me long for the subtle understatement of severed human ears. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Kidnapped: The son of a wealthy New York industrialist was kidnapped in a intricate, yet murky, scheme whose very tendrils might reach back into the still-secret past of said industrialist. But since nobody watched, NBC has hired itself a gravelly-voiced narrator to tell you everything that happened in the first two episodes in a little less than 60 seconds. Yup -- that oughta perk those ratings right up.
For those of you scoring along at home on your fold-out Kidnapped Timeline Sponsored by Swatch, it's Day Three.
Conrad begins the day as he begins so many others -- sleeping alone in a bedroom far away from Ellie. We know this because Ellie enters to inform him, in a weary, out-of-it voice, that they've missed Leo's PSAT tutorial, and that she's referring to Leo in the first-person plural, just like she did when Aubrey was applying for colleges, and the kids, they grow up so fast you know? And all of this is meant to portray that Ellie is having a hard time coping with the kidnapping, and we're doubtlessly in for more scenes just like this one to show her upper lip has become decidedly less stiff. Which means those of us who have gone on the record with our disdain for Dana Delaney's body of work are in for a looooong evening. Apparently, Conrad is feeling that same way, if the expression on his face is anything to go by. "What about tomorrow?" Ellie asks suddenly. Well, I suspect there will be offers to be on other TV shows. Not everyone feels the same way about you that I d... oh, you were talking about something else. "We have to do it," Conrad says. "If we cancel, people will think there's something wrong, and... " Ellie cuts him off: "Something is wrong," she snaps, as she turns and walks out of the room, leaving Conrad to sit up in bed with a "Who farted?" look on his face. As far as Great Ways to Start the Day go, that probably ranks somewhere between "Skipping a nutritious breakfast" and "Mistakenly gargling with Drain-o."
Aubrey has a much better way to start her morning: with a brisk swim in the Cain's spacious indoor pool. Less invigorating: her flashbacks to her abduction at the hands of Not So Cute the other day. Even less invigorating than that: the vision of her brother on the bottom of the pool mouthing the word "help." That'll put you off exercise -- that and the physical exertion. Aubrey is brought back to reality by her father, who calls her name and splashes the water so that they can talk about this evening. "I can't believe you're actually going through with this," Aubrey says during the elevator ride from the pool to the apartment. Conrad repeats his reasoning from the last scene about not drawing attention to the family's plight, which seems to irritate Aubrey even more than it did Ellie. You're 0-for-2 with the Cain women so far this morning, Conrad; try not to piss off Alice before noon. Before Conrad can pick up the hat trick, he scurries off to work, leaving Ellie and Aubrey to deal with the hustle and bustle of work crews readying the Cain foyer. Aubrey's coping strategy is to complain snottily about putting on a brave front for appearance's sake. "It's just the price you pay for being associated with this family," she gripes. Well, that and the fabulous Central Park digs. And the Ivy League education. And the hassle of the local shops not being able to make change for your $50 bill. Yes, life is one hardship after another for poor Aubrey Cain. I'd send her a sympathy card, but I might need the money to pay my mortgage this month.
Ellie responds to this parade of petulance by informing Aubrey that she has an eleven o'clock appointment at Barney's, clothier to the rich and self-involved. "What?" Aubrey wails. "Are you kidding?" Oh, will the Job-like sufferings of Aubrey Cain never cease? They will apparently not, if Ellie has anything to say about it -- she tells Aubrey that Agent Atkins will accompany her on her forced shopping spree, and she is not to leave his sight. You remember Agent Atkins, don't you, Aubrey? Clean-cut guy. Square jaw. Shot your kidnapper dead before he could answer any questions. That guy. "You know, I was always wanted my own watchdog," Aubrey snots. "What's your name again... Arkin? Actually, never mind. I'm just going to call you Spike." As she leaves the room, Atkins silently curses his excellent marksmanship.
Over at FBI headquarters, Andy the Fidgety Weasel is also taking issue with the Cains' plans to throw a party. "Agent Archer thinks it's a bad idea," King says to Knapp, who's on the other end of the phone line. "Archer's a bad idea," Knapp counters, and I'm in no position to dispute his argument. But the bottom line is this: The Cains are having a party and 149 guests will be coming over. The FBI will be doing background checks on each and every one, which must have made for a hell of an awkward RSVP. ("Please indicate if you would like the beef tenderloin or the chicken; also please include a swab of your cheek cells so that we may cross-check your DNA against CODIS.") King asks if anyone on the guest list raises immediate alarm. "Everyone," Knapp says. "It's not a guest list; it's an enemies list." It probably would have been better if Ellie wasn't standing in the door while he said that. "Do you think one of our friends might have something to do with Leo's... " Ellie begins, before Knapp cuts her off: "Until Leo comes home, you have no friends." Only acquaintances. And associates. And possibly fuck buddies. But no friends.
The sun rises over a thriving metropolis I like to think of as "New York," and Conrad is only now making his way out of the apartment. Dude, you said you were late for work like three paragraphs ago -- and you're going to be even later now that you've told your driver you're going to walk to work today. Ah, but it was all a clever ruse. Just before getting into his car, Conrad noticed a grinning thug nearby and called this commuting audible. Instead, he walks around the block and hops into the sedan driven by the grinning thug. They greet each other familiarly if not exactly warmly. The grinning thug, Terry, is quite the chatterbox: "So, living the life of Riley pretty much, right? Living large, eh? So, uh, tell me something -- why the sudden interest in seeing old friends?" Conrad is more of the strong, silent type, at least on this car ride.
FBI blah blah blah: "Where in the world is Leo Cain? These guys are pros. Let's go back to our contacts in all the boroughs. And check the airports -- maybe he's out of the city or something. Hey, Conrad Cain got in a sedan -- let's follow him. Whoops, we lost him." And...scene.
Down in sunny Mexico, Otto the Kidnapper is standing outside a door when his less avuncular cohort walks by and wants to know what the dealey-o is. "Kid had to go to the bathroom," Otto says simply. He had to go to the bathroom? Why, we'll just see about that! Meanie McKidnapper pushes Otto out of the way, grabs Leo -- hopefully not mid-tinkle -- and shoves him against the wall. "Don't ever leave him alone," the Big Meanie shouts at a dismayed Otto. Leo is frog-marched back to his cell and handcuffed to the bed. After the Big Meanie storms out again, Otto and Leo are left to exchange "What a dick!" looks. It may be that this rapidly forming kidnapper-kidnappee bond could come back to haunt Otto further down the line. Also problematic from the kidnapper's point of view: the razor blade Leo managed to hide between his cheek and gum.
Back in the city so nice they named it twice, Turner is expositing like mad over the phone to Knapp about Conrad's shady past: two arrests as a juvie for assault with a deadly weapon and breaking and entering, respectively. The other kid who did time with Conrad is James Sullivan -- the heretofore unseen Sully, I'm guessing -- who is a mobster of some repute. After their time together in the pokey, Conrad and Sully went their separate ways -- Conrad to a life of opulence and Sully to a life as the most fearsome Irish mob boss in Irish Cliché-Town. "You think maybe Cain's past is coming back to bite him?" Turner wonders. "Keep looking at the teeth marks," Knapp tells her. He's in jail, by the way, though he tells Turner that he's visiting an old friend. And that old friend happens to be the lighter-flicking freak-o who began Episode 2 with a taunting phone call to Knapp. Meeting in the visitors' area of the local prison, Knapp wishes his bete noir, Larry, a pleasant afternoon. "It's morning, actually," Larry says, "and you know I hate it when people call me Larry." Oh, Knapp knows -- believe me, he knows.
Over in Irish Cliché-Town, where the streets are paved with leprechaun gold and the whiskey flows like water, the car carrying Conrad pulls up outside a tavern. Naturally, since it is not yet noon, the place is packed with Irishmen, one of whom happens to be Sully. The Connie-Sully reunion is not a happy one: "What part of 'you ever come around here again, and I'll rip your lungs out' didn't you understand?" Sully asks. Uh, the lungs part -- were you using a figure of speech there, or would you literally rip out his lungs? No matter -- Conrad is here for a purpose. "Did you take my kid?" he asks Sully, who just keeps talking about how his feelings have been hurt now that Conrad's put on airs and all. Conrad repeats his question, a little more forcefully this time. Sully continues to prattle on, prompting Conrad to ask for a third time at the top of his lungs. "What do I get if I did?" Sully asks after a pause. Conrad rushes at Sully, but the presence of three toughs to grab him and hold him back puts an abortive end to that assault. "A soft guy like you shouldn't come around here acting all hard," Sully says, as Conrad is dragged out of the bar, with the odd punch, slap, and kick thrown in for good measure. Sully tells his goons to show Conrad where the garbage is, and, judging by the way Conrad is flung to the curb, that is one part of the tour you do not want to go on. Terry sticks around outside to add insult to injury and help Conrad back to his feet. "There's something I always wanted to tell you, ever since we were kids," Conrad says between gasps and groans. Terry is intrigued. "I used to do your sister," Conrad replies, adding injury to insult with a punch to Terry Jr. and a garbage can to the head. "You're a dead man, Connie," Terry screams, probably a few octaves higher than he would have a few seconds ago.
Commercials: A world where the items on the Wendy's 99-cent value menu are used as currency does not strike me as an economically-sound paradise.
Back in prison, Larry the Creepy Guy is enlightening Knapp on the U.S. District Court's feelings about a prisoner's right to smoke. Long story short, they do not have one. They do, apparently, have the right to carry around fluidless lighters so that they can flick them incessantly, however. Knapp is not interested in prisoner rights -- get that man an appointment in the Bush Administration pronto -- but would very much like to know how Larry got wind of Aubrey's failed kidnapping. "I looked at a map," Larry replies, before launching into an indelicate line of inquiry about Knapp leaving the FBI for "mental exhaustion." "There's a euphemism if I ever heard one," Larry chortles. "Why did you do it?" Knapp asks, and I guess we're talking about a case not involving the Cains here. "Now is the age of specialization," Larry says. "One man to hold the hammer, the other a nail. If there's no me, there's no you. I'm just doing my part, partner." At least until all the kidnapper jobs move overseas. Knapp supposes this is why Larry told him about Aubrey's kidnapping, but he still wants to know who told Larry about it. This is only Larry's second scene in the series, but I'm pretty confident that we're never going to get anything approaching a straight answer out of him: "You know what I told her? I told her we were playing a game, and that no matter what, she couldn't make a peep. I didn't even have to drug her. I just had to ask really nice. It's easier to kidnap your own sister." Thanks, Larry -- that clarifies everything. But Larry is a despondent young psychopath -- "You never come visit me anymore," he says to Knapp. "Have you given up trying to find her? Because she still might be alive." One kidnapping at a time, Kidnapped producers. One kidnapping at a time. "Hey, one more thing, Knapp," Larry says, as Knapp gets up to leave. "Enjoy the party tonight." Someone's been reading the spoiler thread from his prison's internet terminal.
If Knapp wants answers about where Larry's getting his information from, he won't get much assistance from Turner, who informs Knapp that he's been Larry's only visitor in the last 18 months. There have been no calls incoming or outgoing to Larry -- not even that call the other night was logged. "I want to know who his friends are on the inside," an increasingly agitated Knapp says. Strike three -- the warden told Turner that Larry doesn't have any friends on the inside or out. "As far as he knew," Turner says, "you are his only friend." That's going to make for an uncomfortable Christmas present exchange.
At Barney's -- "Clothing Wealthy Families Affected by Kidnappings Since 1879!" -- Aubrey is listlessly sorting through party dresses and even more listlessly soliciting Atkins' opinion on her choice of garments. "I think it costs more than my car," Atkins says. "That's sad," Aubrey replies, though she doesn't sound the least bit broken up about the low wages earned by our nation's law enforcement officers. Atkins wonders if Aubrey's general snottiness indicates a problem. Aubrey says there isn't: "My father says we shouldn't draw attention to ourselves right now. Business as usual. Which means Alice is the sweet one. I'm the bitch--" Playing that part to perfection, dear -- "... and Leopold... " She stops there, which means that this haughty rich girl act is really because she's upset about her brother's abduction. But that's not making me wish this scene would end quickly so that we could get back to other, less annoying characters. Aubrey finally finds a dress to her liking and goes to a changing room to try it on, under the watchful eye of Atkins. She begins disrobing before staring pointedly at the FBI agent; sensing the awkwardness of the situation, he turns his back while she draws the changing room curtain. That gives Aubrey all the cover she needs to grab a change of clothes, charge them to her account, and slip out the back -- all without attracting any undue attention from Atkins. Clearly, the FBI's training academy needs to buff up the course work for its renowned Accompany College-Aged Girls on Clothes Shopping Trips course.
And how do the idle rich finish a shopping spree at Barney's -- "If you don't look preoccupied with your own petty problems, we don't look good" -- and a rousing game of "Elude the FBI?" If you're Aubrey Cain, you visit the apartment of one of your indolent stoner friends. Stoner Dude, who is working a Costco-sized bong, wonders if he's invited to the big Cain bash tonight. Aubrey just wonders how her parents can go through with said bash: "I don't understand how my parents can have this party when Leopold is still... " And that's the second time in as many scenes, where she's been unable to say that Leo's been kidnapped. If I didn't know better, I'd say she has a hang-up about it. But what Aubrey wants to focus on is her parents and their damnable commitment to normalcy: "My father shaved, put on a tie. And my mom, I could tell that she washed her hair. And I thought, who are these people? Maybe like there was some mix-up at the hospital or something. I don't know, like my parents' real baby was dead before it was even born, so they just bought me from some sweet couple from Texas. They didn't used to be like that." "You don't have an accent," Stoner Dude helpfully points out, missing the entire point of that speech. "You don't sound like you're from Texas." Yeah, you keep thinking those deep thoughts there, Stoner Dude -- please don't hide that genius from the rest of humanity. There's a knock at the door, and Stoner Dude answers -- he gets a stiff-arm from a very perturbed Atkins for his troubles. Atkins grabs Aubrey by the arm and leads her out of the Den of Cannabis like a misbehaving puppy. "How did you find me?" she asks. "I'm an FBI agent," Atkins says. Yes, you can slip out of sight quiet easily, but don't expect to remain unfound for long, little missy. Unless, you know, you're your brother.
Back at the Cains', Ellie is fussing over flowers and fending off Alice's requests to go to the park and totally ignoring the looming presence of Jimbo, which is just simply wrong, when one of her helper bees arrives with Leo's tux. Hoo-boy. Here come the waterworks. Or at least a scene where Ellie takes the tux to Leo's closet and has a flashback to the last time she saw her son. "Mrs. Cain," begins Turner, who is working at her computer in Leo's room. "Don't," Ellie says abruptly. "Please." And so we are spared The Big Cry until later.
South of the border, down Mexico way, Otto is handing Leo some bandages for his leg, much to the disdain of the other, meaner kidnapper, who asks to speak to Otto out in the hall. Meanie points out that neither of them are wearing masks, making it rather easy for Leo to identify them to the authorities. "So all this Nancy Nurse stuff you're doing is just re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic," Meanie huffs. "Come payday, that kid is in the ground. He's never going to leave Mexico. You think about that." Leo will be thinking about it, too, since he managed to overhear every last word of Meanie's rebuke. Good thing you moved to the hall for that conference, guys.
Commercials. "Hi, I'm Penelope Cruz for L'Oreal, and yes, I do feel like I dodged a bullet with that whole Tom Cruise thing. Thanks for asking."
When we return, Otto is airing his grievances about his co-conspirator over the phone. "I can't work like this," Otto says. "One more word about masks or deck chairs on the Titanic, and I'm going to put a hole in him. You tell them: we've got a problem." Almost immediately, we cut to the office of Mr. Racquetball who is passing the time -- you guessed it -- bouncing a racquetball off the wall. (The other building tenants must love that affectation.) A ringing phone causes Racquetball to miss catching his bouncing talisman -- uh oh, someone's going to pay for that. "The babysitters aren't getting along," the caller on the other end of the line says. "What should I tell them?" "Tell them... " Racquetball begins, before hanging up the phone angrily. Okay... but that's going to be a hard message to convey orally.
At a hospital, King is barking instructions into his cell phone about searching private airfields -- are you beginning to notice just how many scenes on this series involve people giving instructions over the phone? Because after typing that phrase for what feels like the 78th time in the last hour, I sure am. King is at the hospital to visit Virgil. Remember him? Leo's bodyguard? Got shot before the opening credits of episode 1? Been bed-ridden since? Kind of thought we were going to see more of him than we have. Well, maybe Mykelti Williamson will make a miraculous recovery before Episode 13. Virgil is a decidedly sullen patient. King is also sad -- turns out he's the one who lined up the bodyguarding gig for Virgil. "I saw it coming," Virgil says, flashing back to the kidnapping. "I saw it in his eyes. If he's a cop, I'm a ballerina. We were out-numbered. I knew that out of the gate. I missed the sniper. Forgot to look up." Well, if it's any consolation, Virgil, you'll outlive him. Virgil guesses that the sniper was probably perched on the southwest corner of a 16-story-or-so building a thousand yards from where he went down. "That's an awful lot of firepower for one little boy," Virgil observes. King asks if Virgil thinks the kidnappers seemed like locals. "They seemed good," he replies. Well, that will be a great comfort to the Cains, knowing their son wasn't abducted by rank incompetents.
In a little café just the other side of the border, Meanie McKidnapper is enjoying himself an off-brand cerveza when a sharply-dressed friendly fellow sidles up to him. "I notice you don't have any cornbread," Señor Friendly says, signaling for some cornbread to be delivered mas rapido. "It's the specialty of the house." Meanie didn't come here for cornbread, and he didn't come here for chitchat. Nevertheless, Señor Friendly insists on the cornbread-chitchat combo platter: He introduces himself as Espinoza and, wouldn't you know it, he's the law around these here parts. Espinoza is kind of curious as to what Meanie's name is -- turns out it's Bellows, though I'm still rather partial to Meanie McKidnapper myself. Espinoza welcomes Meanie to town, prompting Meanie to observe that he's the sheriff and the welcome wagon all rolled into one. "It's a very small town, Mr. Bellows," Espinoza says. "I wear many hats. You and your friend have rented a house here. What is the nature of your business?" They're on vacation, says Meanie, with no apparent fear that Espinoza's other duties include tour guide, visitor's bureau chairman, and time-share salesman. Instead, it turns out that Espinoza is also a tax collector since he informs Meanie that he's behind on his taxes. "What taxes would they be?" Meanie wonders. "The keeping of a gringo boy without arousing suspicions in my town taxes," Espinoza says. Why do I have a feeling that Mark Foley and Dennis Hastert had this very conversation a few years back?
Commercials. Is it just me or are we having more ads than normal this week? I wouldn't complain, only I'm really wearing out my TiVo fast-forward finger.
When we return, Turner is tip-tap-typing away on her computer while a tuxedo-clad Knapp struggles with the physics of tying his own bowtie. Turner catches sight of Knapp and is momentarily taken aback: "The expression 'You clean up nicely' is overused." And as a non-member of the target audience for this particular scene, allow me to affirm, yes -- yes, Knapp does clean up nicely. "I don't know how to tie a bow tie," he says helplessly. That is true as well.
Across the street at the FBI command center, Agent Andy is watching the goings-on from a host of monitors and telling his underlings to cross-check everyone who comes to the party, even the staff. King strolls in, also clad in a tuxedo, and while no one is here to purr about how dapper he looks, he does. From now on, Knapp and King have to solve this case while dressed in formal wear -- rebrand the show Tuxedo Squad or something. It'd be just the ratings boost we need to keep this thing going. While I'm busy saving Kidnapped with my clever wardrobe ideas, Andy is jokingly wondering why King gets to go the party instead of him and the others. "Because the tux fit me," King says, which is a lot more diplomatic than "Because you'd fuck up a ham sandwich," which is probably the more accurate answer. Tuxedo Squad, away!
Ellie's long slide down the flume ride of anxiety into the splash zone of despair continues in the Cain's dressing room, where she tells Conrad that she doesn't think she can do this. What -- host a dinner party? Pull off that dress? Learn conversational Chinese in just six weeks? Ellie is unclear, but if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it's the first one. "Remember when you told your father you were going to marry me?" Conrad asks. She does. "Well, if you can do that, you can do anything," he replies. Yeah, but look where that got her, pal. Nevertheless, the Cains descend the staircase to the applause of New York's upper crust.
It's party time! The Cains mingle. Turner looks at guest mug shots on her computer. And Knapp makes small talk with some blowhard Master of the Universe type who's blathering on about international start-ups. Knapp is nodding and trying to look interested while Turner feeds him information about this party-goer through an earpiece -- now it's my turn to nod and look interested. This scene is noteworthy only for the moment in which the blowhard asks Knapp for his opinion on dead-money stocks and Turner tells him via the earpiece that he's on his own. "I don't," Knapp says. "Commodities have legs. Like Madonna." The blowhard gives him a look like, "Who is this unshaven stranger with eyes like fire and unconventional investment strategies? I simply must follow his advice." And he's going to go home and sink all his money into commodities and wind up ruined when the pork bellies market goes south. At least, that's what I hope happens.
Elsewhere in Party Central, Aubrey descends the staircase, only to get the elevator eyes treatment from Agent Atkins. "What?" she asks. Before he can think up some lame excuse ("Uh, I thought the kidnappers might have left a clue in your brassiere... "), Conrad waves her over. While that's happening, across the street, Andy is fretting over some numbers that don't add up: "Between the Cain family and all the staff and all the caterers, there's supposed to be 162 bodies in the house," he tells King via a walkie-talkie (and not a phone for once). "We got 163." And with that, King is off to find the party wrangler and have her walk the floor with him to see if she spots anyone who's not supposed to be there. "There's somebody here who doesn't belong?" the party wrangler asks, loud enough for the kidnappers in Mexico to hear. Ixnay on the oudlay alkingtay, King says. And off they go.
Elsewhere, Conrad is taking the time in between greeting party guests to berate Aubrey for her attitude, thus saving me the trouble. (I've already taunted you once via survey, Aubrey -- don't make me go to that well again.) But before he can give her the ol' "You pretend this kidnapping isn't happening like the rest of us, young lady" talk that all parents eventually have to give, Ellie waves him over to meet an unexpected guest -- Mr. James Sullivan of the Sunnyside Sullivans. He doesn't look so good in a tux, not that anyone asked me. "Been a long time," Sully says. Yeah, several hours. "Aren't you the luckiest man in the world?" Sully asks rhetorically. "Lovely wife. Beautiful home. Important charity work." Don't forget the menacing dinner guests -- that's an important part of the Cains' life, too. Ellie goes to mingle with other guests, but not before Sully vows to take her up on the offer to call her sometime -- making it sound more like a threat than a promise. Conrad asks Sully what he's doing there -- Sully indicates that it's only polite to give Conrad the favor of his company after Conrad's visit earlier today. And then we get to the root of the Connie-Sully contretemps: "You come to me a year ago for help," Sully says. "So I give you help. Now you don't want to help me. You make all these wild accusations. What am I going to do with you?" Conrad apologizes for losing his head earlier and invites Sully upstairs for a drink. "You know why the English invented whiskey, right?" Sully says. "To keep the Irish from ruling the world," Conrad says, completing the joke. Incidentally, that's also why General Mills invented Lucky Charms. True story.
Elsewhere, Turner, Knapp, and the FBI are flipping through the guest photos a bit more frantically now, looking for the interloper. "What are we looking for?" an unnamed FBI guy asks. "A face in the crowd," Knapp says. "Someone who doesn't belong." "Which one of these people are we looking for?" Turner wonders as they continue rifling through a particularly imposing haystack. "The one that isn't here," Knapp says, before hurrying back to the party. Thanks, Yoda -- that's very helpful advice. "That's very metaphysical," Turner mutters. Yeah, that too.
Ellie happens upon Alice and my main man Jimbo at the party and asks her youngest daughter if she is having fun. Alice is not. Jimbo is. "I really like the shrimp puffs," he says. More shrimp puffs for Jimbo, then. Get him all the shrimp puffs he desires. This happy scene is interrupted by a party guest, who, by way of taking screen time away from Jimbo makes me hate him instantly. He introduces himself as Randall Scott, and he's interested in talking about matching funds for some charity or another. We'd find out more, but he's interrupted by yet another party guest -- an older gent named George who, by the sound of his voice, has also had many, many shrimp puffs (if, by "shrimp puffs," you mean "booze," and I certainly do in this case). Fitzgerald was right: the rich really are different from you and me -- they don't let people finish their conversations. "You know what your daughter said to me?" Boozey George slurs at Ellie, before pointing at Alice. "Not you, the other one." Ellie asks to know what Aubrey said. George has no idea: "But she looks great," he says, brightening considerably. "And you Alice, you are as cute as a button. And Leo... what are you feeding that kid? I saw him when I came in. He is as tall as a reed." Boozey George's alcohol-fueled hallucinations are too much for Ellie to bear. She excuses herself and goes to the bathroom to sob. Yes, Ellie -- I'm sad that Jimbo only had one line in this scene too. Or is that not why you're crying?
After we get a shot of the party wrangler and King continuing their appointed rounds, a more composed Ellie returns from the loo, where she's immediately accosted by Randall Scott in a darkened room. "Are you lost?" Ellie politely asks. He says that he is not. "Oh yes, I'm sorry," Ellie remembers. "You wanted to talk about matching funds." Actually, Randall doesn't want to talk about that at all. So what is on his mind? "I want to talk about your son," he says. "If you ever want to see him again, you'll listen very, very carefully to what I'm about to say." She'll have to listen during the commercial break then. Speaking of which...
Someone has told The Gap that this thin black pant thing they're pushing as if it holds the solution to our troubles in the Mideast doesn't actually fit 95 percent of the clothes-wearing public, right? At the train station I exit for work, they've got Thin, Black Pant ads plastered all over the place. Unfortunately, all the female models wearing the pants look like Joey Ramone. I mean, if that's the aesthetic you were shooting for, Gap, then well done. But I don't think Joey's going to be stocking up on pants in his current state.
When we return, we're back at Mexico's No. 1 vacation destination for kidnappers, and Meanie/Bellows has returned from the cantina in a foul mood. Visits with the local constabulary will do that to a criminal, I suppose. Anyhow, the mean guy is fuming that they should just put a bullet in Leo's brain and be done with it, which wakes Leo up from his slumber right quick. So Meanie bursts into the room, flips on the light, and finds Leo staring back at him. All that bold talk about shooting people in the head quickly fades away when you actually have to look that person in the eye -- at least, Leo better hope it does, as he comes out the victor in this particular stare-down. He gives a meaningful look to that razor blade he kept hidden in his palm the whole time. Just between us chickens, I don't think that would have done him too much good in a gunfight.
We're back at the party, but Ellie does not seem to be in a festive mood. She goes into the study, opens the safe, and begins putting stacks and stacks of bills into a party favor bag. Then she exits via the kitchen, drawing the attention of no one -- well, no one except for Knapp, who saw her go into the study. This detail may be important later.
Up on the roof, Conrad and Sully are recalling older, presumably chummier, times as they're laughing and imbibing. "Ah man, we had some times," Sully says. "Until you changed up." Conrad observes that people change. Take right now, for example -- Conrad has changed from a guy enjoying a drink with an old friend to a guy punching that old friend in the face. Cut over to Andy watching the scene unfold via binoculars. "Patch me into King right now," Andy demands, and we see what's got him so bothered -- Conrad is now dangling Sully off the roof and demanding to know what Sully did with his son. Well, that's one way to get information, I suppose. Sully denies taking Leo, but does offer him some friendly advice: "Drop me. Because if you let me live, I'm going to find your kid, then I'm going to find you, and then, I'm going to kill you both. Along with that gorgeous wife of yours." See, Conrad, he's offering to help find Leo; maybe Sully's not so bad aft... wait, what was that last part about the killing again? Before the two of them can sort that out, King comes running up, suggesting in the strongest possible terms that Conrad stop dangling people off of rooftops in full view of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. "When Leo comes home, he should not find his dad on trial for murder," King says. That's a compelling enough argument for Conrad -- he steps back and lets King yank Sully back up onto the roof. For a guy who was seconds away from getting introduced to asphalt at a high-rate of speed, Sully certainly seems to be in high spirits -- he's laughing and whooping and telling Connie that he should have let him go. I didn't realize that mobsters were so jolly.
Back at the portion of the party where guests aren't being dangled off rooftops, Atkins reports to Aubrey that he can't find her father and mother anywhere. "My family is getting smaller by the day," she says. Which is a very funny line. "Did I really just say that?" she wonders. Yeah, it took me by surprise, too. Of more pressing concern than Aubrey's heretofore untapped wit is the fact that the time for her father's toast is upon us, while he is not.
Elsewhere, while the strains of Ry Cooder Lite echo on the soundtrack, Ellie pulls her car up to a dimly lit field. "Hello?" she bellows. "I'm here." She doesn't have to wait for long -- Randall Scott materializes out of the darkness to demand his money. "Where's my son?" Ellie asks. "About to get an ice pick in his brain, actually," Randall sneers. Well, this has been an unsatisfying transaction for both parties thus far. And it's about to get less so for Randall, who's having a hard time getting Ellie to hand over the money. "Come on," he practically whines, which may be our first clue that he is not part of the precision team of highly trained kidnappers we've seen up to this point. Another clue: when a second car arrives, rather than taking Ellie hostage, Randall scampers off like a frightened bunny. Unfortunately for him, cars move much more quickly than bunnies. Even more unfortunately for him, the driver of the car introduces Randall's hip to the front bumper. With Randall in no condition to run anywhere at this point, Knapp pops out of the car. "Do you really think she'd be stupid enough to come here alone?" Knapp demands, shoving Randall into the grill of the car. A couple more blows to the head like that, and I'm not sure Randall is going to be able to do much thinking about anything, other than how much he likes peas. "Now, I'm going to count to three," Knapp says, "and then I'm going to take your eye out." He gets as far as two before Randall starts blubbering in a most unbecoming fashion. "Tucker told me," he quivers. Tucker? Who is this Tucker?
Tucker is the Stoner Dude we met earlier today, and yes, he's still working that industrial-strength bong as if it contains the last remaining supply of oxygen on the planet. Which is probably why when there's a knock at the door and he looks through the peephole and sees Randall, he doesn't suspect there's a problem -- too bad for him since Knapp uses Randall's body to bang the door into Tucker's face. "Make yourself comfortable," Knapp says, as he tosses Randall like a sackful of laundry and turns his attention to Tucker. "I had nothing to do with it," Tucker protests, which doesn't spare him a punch right in the nose. "Stand up," Knapp says, which Tucker stupidly does. Time for punch in the nose No. 2. Boy, I hope for his sake that marijuana eases pain as well as some doctors say it does, because Tucker is getting a going-over. A kick to the mid-section later, and Knapp is ready to explain to us what happened: "You gave your friend here your father's invite to the Cains. He terrorizes Mrs. Cain. I should drop you out of a window." That produces howls of protest from Tucker. "Or maybe I should just shoot you," Knapp says as he draws his weapon. "He doesn't like that idea," he says to Ellie. In exchange for not shooting Tucker, Knapp wants to know who else he might have told about Leo's disappearance. Through his rapidly swelling mouth, Tucker is able to choke out "nobody" and promises not to tell anybody else. "I'm having a hard time believing you," Knapp says flatly. "If I hear otherwise... " and he whispers the rest of that threat into Tucker's ear. It must have been something very graphic because Tucker is adamant about his willingness to comply. It's a fun scene and not just because Knapp gets off a few clever lines and Jeremy Sisto excels at being a bad-ass -- this scene works because there's not a one of us out there who doesn't, in our heart of hearts, fantasize about ruthlessly beating them that wronged us without any fear of consequences from the legal system or of an angry God. I include myself in that statement. In fact, throughout this recap, I've hidden the names of five people I'd gladly punch in the nose if I didn't think they'd press charges or sue me for the few remaining pennies I have. See if you can find them all!
Yet another commercial break. I'll give you guys a hint -- Aaron Sorkin's not one of them, but commedia dell'arte my ass, Brainiac.
On the way home from the beatdown, Knapp is scolding Ellie, telling her that she could have been killed. She is surprisingly insouciant about the matter: "It would be the perfect ending to the perfect day." ["I hardly think it's the right time to be reciting 'Sleigh Ride' lyrics, Mrs. Cain." -- Joe R] You can tell that at this point, Knapp's brain is frantically sending him signals along the lines of "This is when the hu-mans like to talk about their ape emotions," because he fumbles for a way to tell her that it's all right if she lets it all out right now. "Mr. Knapp," she laughs. "I start letting it out, I'm never going to stop." The sense of relief over Ellie's decision to keep her emotions crushed into a tight little ball is palpable -- both for Knapp and for your recapper.
Speaking of beatdowns, King is escorting Sully away from his, while suggesting that it would be in everyone's best interest if he just forgot about what happened this evening. "I'm not the forgotten type," Sully shoots back, and no, that's not a typo. King suggests that pursuing the matter further would put Sully in an awkward position, as he was trespassing; Sully counters that hanging someone over the side of a building might be considered just a dash more serious in the eyes of the law, and it's hard not to see his point -- he used to be a prison administrator, you know. "Hey, King," Sully says. "You ever think about crossing the street and making some real money?" "What would I do with real money?" King laughs, and that's as deft a way as any for fending off a job offer from a known crime lord. Now King has a question for Sully: would he happen to know where Leopold Cain is? Sully takes a long time -- perhaps too long -- to answer in the negative. Any idea why Conrad has jumped to that conclusion, then? "Ah, we go back," Sully says nonchalantly. "And then there was that recent business also," King says, so nonchalantly that Sully nearly walks right into the verbal trap before catching himself at the last moment. "You know I feel a little naked here without my lawyer," Sully says, while King insists it's just a friendly investigation. Nevertheless, after exchanging a few more thinly veiled legal threats, the two part ways. You haven't seen the last of James Sullivan, Cain clan -- at least not for another scene yet.
Back at the party, guests are angrily checking their fancy watches, which means the aforementioned toast is long overdue. That's Aubrey's cue to spring into action, grabbing a glass of champagne and actually rising to the occasion. But before we are treated to that rare sight, there's an absolutely heartbreaking scene of Jimbo carrying Alice to bed while she cries about how her brother's been taken away. So, despite her parents' best efforts to spare her the awful truth, she totally knows. The scene ends with Jimbo watching over Alice as she sleeps, looking like he's composing a list of the people he'd like to punch in the face without any legal or moral repercussions. Mark my words, kidnappers: trifle not with Jimbo, lest ye get your face caved in.
It's toast time! After an awkward joke about barring the door so that no one can escape and some blatant ego-stroking for the audience ("financial wizards, Nobel Prize winners, masters of the universe -- and then there are the men!"), Aubrey gets to the meat of the matter. "Someone once said that family is a haven in a heartless world. Well, I think tonight we've proven the world is not as heartless as some people may think." Well, unless you're a mobster who's been dangled off a roof. Or a stoner trying to scam some rich lady into paying you ransom money. Or a couple of bickering kidnappers down in Mexico. But you were saying, Aubrey? "My father taught us that we have to be strong for those that cannot be strong for themselves. And my mother taught us about giving back. And when I think of the money raised here tonight and what it might accomplish, and when I think of the blessings that have been bestowed on my family, I'm humbled. So on behalf of my mother and father, and my brother and sister, thank you all for being with us here tonight and for being our family." Well, Atkins is impressed by that toast, at any rate.
While Aubrey wraps up her speech, Sully is returning to his ancestral homeland in Cliché-Town. But before he can get home to cry himself to sleep to a recording of "Danny Boy," a whistle from across the street catches his attention. Then a couple of gunshots straight to his chest really catch his attention. So I guess Sully won't be around to match wits with Conrad week after week. So long then, Sully -- may you be in heaven a half-an-hour before the devil knows you're gone and all that blarney.
And since my stomach hasn't turned once this episode, let us end this week back in beautiful, scenic Mexico where Leo's latest scheme for thwarting the kidnappers' plans involves taking the remnants of dinner -- some say it's mashed potatoes though it looks like crumbled blue cheese to me -- and sticking them into the cut on his leg with the help of a razor blade. Ew. Yuck. And let me just add, ew. On the bright side, the time the kidnappers want to get his parents' attention, all they'll have to do is mail out his gangrenous leg. So at least he's being thoughtful.
time on Kidnapped: People involved in Leo's kidnapping have a funny habit of getting themselves dead. Also, the producers start speeding the narrative process along at NBC's request. And I figure out what I to do with my Wednesday nights now that this show's on Permanent Hiatus. For three episodes, it was a paradise, folks.