Kathy's house, she tells us, feels like a fabulous and expensive day spa. It certainly looks amazing, but then again it looked great before, too. She claims that she's "grown out" of this house because it has only seven bathrooms and that people at parties look down on her because she's got just the one house. That's quite a stretch, because Kathy's house is quite obviously A-List. Did you know she paid for it with her winnings from Celebrity Mole? It's true! [And to think it's all done for charity nowadays... - Zach]
Tiffany and Tom aren't convinced that Kathy should have extra homes just because Madonna and Suzanne Somers have them. As Tiffany points out, Madonna has "Madonna money." Say, what do you think it's going to be like when Madonna dies? Wait. Never mind. That's a whole different thing. The point is that Kathy wants to get a second home where the stars live, which now means "Star Island" in Miami. Rosie O'Donnell, P. Diddy, and Gloria Estefan make it the hot new place. Kathy acts like Star Island is the hottest place in the world. Although she already lives in the Hollywood Hills, which is pretty snooty if you ask me. This is pretty stagy, even for this show.
Kathy is planning on going to Miami and surprising her close, close friend Gloria Estefan. We see her calling Gloria and Kathy's hair is much redder than usual. She might want to think about hiring a continuity person to manage her hair color and length for this show, because it's all over the place from scene to scene. Gloria's got peppy hold music, which I guess makes sense. When Gloria gets on the phone, she is not excited to learn that Kathy's coming to Miami and wants Gloria to put her up for a few nights. But she goes along with it, so Kathy adds that she has a rider: she wants hugs and empanadas. Kathy offers to entertain her or bring her stuff, but Gloria can't think of anything for Kathy to do. Kathy interviews (with the light practically-blonde hair) that Gloria runs everything in Miami and that she's like a female version of Al Pacino in Scarface. You mean Griselda Blanco? (If you've seen Cocaine Cowboys or just know a lot about Miami, I assure you that was a funny reference. Otherwise, please continue with the recap as though nothing had happened. Thank you.) Tom asks if Gloria will make guacamole, which Kathy claims is racist. Tom attempts to make a pun connecting "guacamole" and "Guatemala," but it doesn't really work.
Miami! Kathy tells us that she loves many things about Miami, but she especially loves what the humidity does to her naturally curly hair. And sure enough, her hair is not quite curly. But no time for that, because Kathy, Tom, and Tiffany are at Gloria Estefan's house! On Star Island! Kathy pretends that a passing helicopter is the paparazzi "like I'm Britney Spears going to the nuthouse. This is great!" Gloria shows everyone around and her house is very nice, although I don't think it's actually as big is Kathy's. However, Cher has stayed in it. So there's that.
Suddenly! The front door bursts open and Rosie O'Donnell enters, shouting "Hola! ¿Como Esta?" It can be unsettling to have Rosie O'Donnell suddenly jump out at you. That happened to me once! However, I'm told I may have mentioned it last season when Rosie was on. It involved a JoAnn Fabrics. That's all I'll say. Rosie apparently lives across the street from Gloria and sometimes comes over. [To borrow a cup of rhythm? - Z] Awww. Celebrities are just like real people, you guys! So Kathy tells them she wants to buy a second home in Miami, and Gloria assures her she could just stay at her place any time she wants. [You sure about that, Gloria? - Z]
Rosie agrees that having multiple houses is pretty A-List and Kathy busts her for staring into one of the cameras. We actually get to see the camera she was looking at, and it's got a neat light-ring on it. Kathy tells us that Rosie looked at the camera all the time when she was on last season, whereas Kathy "is trying to act like America isn't there. And when I say America, I mean the tens of viewers who tune in week after week and appreciate you. And also I can name you." Hi, Kathy! My name's Monty.
Rosie makes fun of Kathy for wanting to be in the Star Island Mafia. Kathy talks about getting a hotel. Because Gloria's got two or three. Kathy would also like a theme song like Don Rickles. Gloria offers to rewrite one of her songs, but Rosie's way ahead of her: "C'mon everybody, baby, it's the D-List; don't you know it's Kathy and she is the best..." It's pretty impressive. Nice job, Rosie! Rosie says (to the camera), "I don't have makeup on, but I can still rhyme things."
Kathy's got a real estate agent I've actually heard of! It's Billy Bean, who wrote a memoir about being a gay baseball player. He should not be confused with Billy Beane (with an "e"), who is the general manager of the Oakland A's. Beane had a book written about him called Moneyball, which is being turned into a movie. Somehow. I've read the script. It needs work. Apparently Aaron Sorkin is on it. I think Billy Bean's book would work better.
Okay, anyway! Billy will be showing Kathy around. He says that "Even Madonna would probably consider living here." High praise indeed! The first house is $14,000,000 dollars. It's got five bedrooms, and Mariah Carey once stayed there. Kathy grabs some Jelly Bellies, which Billy claims were sent to the current owner of the house by Nancy Reagan. You know, because Ronnie liked jelly beans. I guess. Kathy starts ranting to the camera about how the Reagan Years were a fallacy and [bleep] you, Nancy Reagan, and so on. Kathy explains to us that the reason she didn't spit out the jelly bean was that it's still a celebrity jelly bean. Plus it's made out of delicious sugar. Kathy grills Billy on what Mariah did when she was at this house, and he says that although there was a whole room cleared out for her clothes, she only ever wore a wifebeater and cutoff jeans. Gossip!
Kathy turns down the house because it isn't grand enough, and because she has no intention of buying a second house. But she only says the first part on camera. So the second house is 50 million dollars. It's got 18 bedrooms and a lot of statues. And stuffed alligators, dinosaurs and dogs. Kathy is unsure about taxidermied animals. She thinks it's weird to stuff your dog and pose him at the front door. Kathy would also like to stuff a few network executives, although she hastens to point out, "I don't mean anyone at my NBC/Universal family. Because we're like a family." Aww. I feel that way, too! Kathy's like one of my cousins who I never see or hear from. And who doesn't really know I exist. I've got a lot of cousins like that.
Out back, a tourist boat floats by, and Kathy is delighted at the opportunity to shout her hot new catchphrase, "It's me, Kathy Griffin!" The tourists seem sort of interested. And there are two tours a day, so Kathy likes that a lot. The group goes around the house being fascinated by the weirdness therein. There's a casket in the master bedroom that they're not allowed to open.
House three is a much more reasonable $17-20,000,000. Ten bedrooms and even more bathrooms. Kathy's looking forward to a casket-free house. And she likes the large yard, in which she could seclude her mother with some dogs. The master bedroom doesn't have a casket, but it does have a separate "snoring room". Yes! The bedroom has its own bedroom. Kathy's interested in the house. But the price seems high and she's determined to be a shrewd bargainer, so she plans to come back later with "Miami experts."
Weird Extremely Short Midcommercial Content! Kathy asks Billy for party tips, and he says they start at 1:00 AM and end around 9:30. These bits continue to feel strange.
Gloria, Rosie and Kathy are lounging in pajamas as Kathy talks about her book deal. Kathy's plan is to call it "Official Book Club Suggestion", which Rosie thinks is the best idea ever. Kathy claims that her main worry is that she won't get dates right, but when she's claiming to have slept with Jack Black (twice!) I think the specific days are the least of her worries. Kathy talks about being banned from the Conan O'Brien show for ten years possibly because of a date gone wrong. Then Kathy and Conan met backstage at Rosie's show and she got booked again. Kathy asks Gloria and Rosie to come with her to look at the house she likes. Rosie gives a take to the camera.
Okay, so Gloria Estefan owns restaurants and a hotel and so on. So Kathy will be working at the hotel and she's wearing the uniform. So are Tiffany and Tom. Tom, incidentally, is wearing a maid's dress. Because Kathy finds it amusing to make Tom wear a dress. Kathy will be working the front desk and is sternly instructed not to use foul language. Gloria leaves Kathy and Tiffany, who immediately panic about not knowing how to use a PC. Someone comes in to check in with a list of specific things he wants, but Kathy (after banging on the keyboard for awhile) claims that "That room does not exist." They do not appear to get their room. The phone rings and Kathy takes a reservation while making wild promises of free handjobs. Kathy explains, "I don't think 'handjob' is a swearword. I think [bleep] is a swearword." Well, the Bravo censors appear to agree with her.
Team Griffin is called to handle a loud room. It turns out to be shirtless guys getting drunk. Loudly drunk. Gloria comes up to promise free drinks if they'll keep it down to a dull roar. Kathy protests because she wants to send them to jail and beat them. Gloria fires Kathy, who plans to go back upstairs to the party.
Now Gloria takes Kathy out on her boat on a tour of Star Island. Kathy sees a tourist boat and interviews that this is going to make the tourists' day. "It's gonna ruin Gloria's, but it's gonna make theirs." When we cut back to the boat, Kathy is holding a bullhorn and is haranguing the celebrity tour boat about paying attention to her and Gloria. As they pass P. Diddy's house, Kathy tries to get him to come out. No dice. Likewise at Shaquille O'Neal's house. Rosie O'Donnell does, in fact, come out to the dock. And moons Kathy, which means she moons us. We see it again in slow motion because Kathy believes that's what lesbians want to see. Great. Thanks for that.
Kathy, Rosie and Gloria will be going out for food together. Rosie complains that Kathy never speaks to her fans, and Kathy complains that Rosie talks way too much to her fans. They drive down what we're assured is a fairly gay street and Kathy shouts at passersby until one of them agrees to take their picture. Rosie does not look enthralled when said passerby yells, "Hey, bitches!" He means it in the nice way, I think. The cameraman goes all Top Gear for a moment, showing off Rosie's convertible's headlights and wheels.
When the car pulls up to a restaurant, paparazzi jump out and Kathy is delighted and waving. Meanwhile, Rosie is out talking to people and wishing them well on their upcoming marriages and posing for pictures and generally enraging Kathy with her niceness to fans. So they're at one of Gloria's restaurants for Cuban food. Rosie claims it's very healthy and then stares into the camera while trying not to laugh. It looks pretty tasty, but Kathy's not into oxtail. They end on flan, although it reminds Rosie of mucus. She refuses things that look like mucus, which is one of the reasons she's a lesbian. It's time to go look at the house, but Gloria is still accusing Rosie of being a flan-hater.
On the drive, Gloria and Rosie muse on the nature of fame and how it's fleeting. Unless you're Oprah.
At the house! Kathy plans to make a shockingly low offer and blame it on the economy. Rosie and Gloria are both impressed with the house. It's very nice. The offer is "1.250" in cash, which is less than ten percent of the actual price of the house. And there's a chance she means a buck twenty-five. She goes up to 1.75.
Monica the Listing Agent arrives to consider the offer and Gloria and Rosie get out of the way. Monica isn't impressed with the offer of $1,750,000 cash. And Kathy promptly gets up and flees. In an interview, Monica seems to be in a pretty bad mood about Kathy's wasting her time. I can see how she would be.
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Check out an ode to when Kathy Griffin really was D-List
You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.