We open on a crescent moon, which makes me happy. Kathy makes Tiffany call Kathy's agent for her. Tiffany's role here is to hold up Kathy's cellphone, which is set to speakerphone for the purposes of the show. Also to laugh at all of Kathy's antics. Kathy wants her agent Saul to get her an endorsement deal of some sort. Right now! Kathy thinks that she could sell dildos on the strength of her new "dicks in your mouth" catchphrase, but Saul's suggestion is that Kathy write a book. Kathy immediately jumps to the idea that she should write a tell-all about her mother. Saul claims that he can get Random House to sign on, which I guess is possible.
It's more than possible, because in the very scene, Kathy is in New York to meet with Random House. As Kathy says, "apparently, they're a company. That publishes books." Thanks, Kathy! She is going to pretend to be an author during her meeting, but I think that means she's going to pretend to be a desperate actress failing to pretend to be an actor. This show exists on a lot of levels. In the lobby, Tom, Tiffany and Kathy look at the display case of amazing Random House first editions, and Kathy sneers and how old and tattered some of them are. She expresses the hope that her book will not be in such bad shape. She makes a joke about Helen Keller's autobiography, but I don't think her heart is really in it.
Kathy is led upstairs and leaves Tom and Tiffany behind. Her meeting has twelve other people in it. Yow. I think that means someone will betray her before the cock crows three times. Kathy's first question is when she gets her advance, but the answer is "after you write it." Apparently there will be a series of meetings over the few months to plan the "publishing strategy." Kathy is asked who her favorite authors are and cannot come up with a name. Incidentally, just over Kathy's right shoulder is a shelf with two books on it: one by Maya Angelou and one by Danielle Steel. Man, those books don't even belong in the same room together. Eventually Kathy comes up with Hemingway, Wilde and Danielle Steel. Smooth! Now Kathy wants to talk about what talk shows she can get on to promote her book, and is disappointed when she's told she can probably be on the fourth hour of the Regis and Kelly show. Shouldn't she consider writing at least some of the book before planning the publicity tour? Of course not! Kathy (at least on the show) is all about planning publicity tours! She offers to do Matt Lauer. Personally. In his home. Also, Kathy's banned from Leno and probably won't be allowed on Oprah. She also claims to be banned from both Martha and Jon Stewart. Finally, she takes an armful of the display books and leaves. The Random House people seem to have enjoyed her antics.
Now, in a plot that's not really related to the eight minutes of television, Kathy wants her mother to make a bucket list. Maggie is a little taken aback by the idea of making a list of stuff to achieve before she dies, and isn't all that helpful. Her ideas are along the lines of "see a nice play here and there" and "go out to a nice dinner". Oh, and "get a good night's sleep", which I can totally get behind. Maggie suggests that she'd like to go for a wine tasting in "the California wine section". Kathy decides to direct this a bit more and makes Maggie pick someone she'd like to meet. She picks Betty White and Don Rickles, which sounds like a great show. Good choices, Maggie! She also reminisces about the time Kathy met Stephanie Powers.
Tom and Tiffany are working the phones to get Maggie's bucket list achieved. Tiffany is on the line with Stephanie Powers's people and appears to get some sort of booking, but Tom is having trouble doing the same for Betty White.
Kathy has Stephanie Powers! She's here in Maggie's condo! Maggie can just say "Oh, for God's sake." Stephanie looks pretty good, too. She talks about her exercise videos and tells Maggie that it's not too late to start Pilates. She starts explaining about squeezing buttocks, and it goes on for a long, buttock-squeezing time. Kathy says it's "like being at a gay bar on free-drink night", and she's not wrong. To be fair, Stephanie Powers has pretty impressive buttocks, but she sure talks about them a lot.
Now, Kathy would like to demonstrate how that scene would have gone if she had been the one to suggest Pilates to her mother: "I'm not doin' any goddamn Pilates, for Christ's sake. I''m gonna break a goddamn hip. Whaddya talkin' about? Get the goddamn wine before I smack ya across your smart mouth, Jesus H. Christ on the cross!" Have you noticed how Kathy's version of Maggie is a lot more foulmouthed than the Maggie we see on the television?
, Kathy treats Maggie to a nice meal at the Sizzler "because my mom doesn't know any better." And there's a surprise Betty White! Kathy is delighted because "there's nothing she can't get away with." Betty is delighted that Maggie remembers her from the Jack Paar show. Kathy explains that it's because Maggie is the oldest person in the world. Off they go to the dinner buffet and Maggie is being a huge Betty White fangirl. She doesn't really have any questions for Betty; she just wants to tell her how great she is. Kathy wants to talk about the lines that Betty got away with at the Shatner roast, since Betty's voice and overall cuteness lets her get away with anything. Kathy shares a joke that Betty told at the Shatner roast: "Bill Shatner has balls. And George Takei has tasted them." Based on this, Kathy believes she can say pretty much whatever she wants around Betty.
Suddenly! Kathy calls Tom and Tiffany over to play Password (a game show Betty used to be on all the time, for you kids out there). Tiffany will be trying to get Maggie to guess the word "gynecologist." She gets as far as "vagina" before dissolving into laughter. Everyone's appalled. Betty interviews, "Kathy, bless her dear heart, can bastardize almost anything with her naughty words. But I rise above that [bleep]!" The game continues with Tom suggesting "Rhino" on the grounds that it rhymes with "Gyno". Maggie gets it, and Kathy justifies herself in a flurry of bleeps.
The word is "alcoholic." Betty says "boozer" in an impressively soused tone of voice. She's still got it! But Tom says "drunk" instead. Maggie says "alcoholic", which is a clear violation of the rules. Kathy orders some cheesecake and there's a mock-Golden Girls opening credits scene. I guess Kathy's Blanche, but would that make Maggie Sophia? And who's Dorothy?
up: a party bus with a stripper pole to take Maggie to wine country. And Kathy's bringing Nicole Sullivan and Mike McDonald, who might as well appear in the opening credits at this point. I don't really have anything against Nicole and Mike; I just never liked MadTV. Mike banters with Maggie about how Maggie apparently considers Kathy's house hers. Maggie claims that the most wine she's ever had in one sitting is two glasses. Nobody believes this. Maggie says this trip is like a dream come true, and Nicole would like to know at what point in the dream she will be allowed to pee.
At the first stop, everybody (Maggie, Nicole, Mike, Tom and Tiffany) but Kathy steps up for some wine. Kathy explains that she does not need to start drinking. Loosening up is the last thing she wants to do. Really, she needs something that gives her good judgment and makes her more conservative. Anyway, there's a lot of wine talk. I don't drink, so it's all nonsense to me. People drink a lot of wine. Nicole spits out wine into the wine-spit bucket but Maggie and Mike at least are throwing them back. Tom is drunk almost immediately and thinks that it's the best day of work ever.
On the bus again, there is some banter about the stripper pole. Nicole thinks being a stripper on a van is not a good job. They arrive at another winery and drink outside, standing around a barrel. There are many handsome goats. There is also a lot of drunken giggling. Finally they get on the party bus and go home.
Midcommercial content: The ride features inappropriate behavior. Mostly from Kathy, who doesn't have the excuse of being drunk. She tells a story about showing up at Mike's door clad only in underwear and a raincoat. It's not true, but aside from that it's a very nice story.
Later! Don Rickles is at Kathy's home. He starts right in, accusing Kathy's home of looking like a sanitarium and being composed entirely of lobbies. Kathy is positively giddy about Don Rickles, who is awesome. Among the things he says is that Tyra Banks "used to work the airport" and Bill Clinton is "working the parks". He interviews that the finger sandwiches were lousy. Finally they call Maggie into the kitchen and spring Rickles on her. Rickles is very nice to her, which I understand is what he's actually like. Maggie congratulates Rickles on his good year (Mr. Warmth won some awards) and he compliments Kathy on her year as well. Kathy and Rickles commiserate about parents, because both of their mothers have said, "I love your act... but why do you have to pick on people so much?" Don says that his mother was always trying to turn him into Alan King or Bob Newhart. Don claims that he's never been meanspirited, and that the way he got away with putting people in the act is "you'd have to be a damn fool to come to see my act and think you won't be insulted". Kathy's positively glowing, because Rickles is talking to her like a fellow comedian. That's success!
Kathy explains how Rickles is her stylistic hero, which I can totally see. She also claims that Don reminds her of her father, which I don't quite get, but it seems to make her happy. Finally, it is time for Don to leave, and Maggie has trouble letting him go. She continues to wave even after he's gone. Maggie's completely delighted to have spent the afternoon with Don Rickles. "It was wonderful," she says, smiling, as we fade to black.
Fade up on Don Rickles! "It was boring. And it was long. I could hardly wait to get out of there and go home, if the driver could find his way back to the States. This is seven miles up a hill on top of a tree. The woman is insane living here. I gotta get outta here. And you're getting on my nerves, so don't ask me anymore questions." The crew breaks up laughing.
week: Gloria Estefan and Rosie O'Donnell! And I tell a story about going to Joann Fabrics! Don't miss it!
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