Previously: It has just occurred to me that Kathy's role in Bette Midler's "Vegas Spectacular" was essentially "whore lying in the gutter." So it doesn't really make sense to use the line "I don't come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth" line in that context, because Kathy's character, see, would already be ... you know what? Never mind. I think I'd need a diagram or something. Let's push on.
Kathy's in a limo for the Grammy Nomination Event. Not the actual Grammy Awards Event. She's going to be standing around in a hallway or something (she's not clear on the details, having never been in the running for a nomination before) when someone will tell her whether or not she's nominated. Then she might get to walk through a curtain. Tom thinks she probably didn't need to dress up quite as much as she did. But the Event does have a red carpet and some photographers. And LL Cool J, who promises Kathy he'll vote for her. Kathy is pleased that he likes dick jokes. Taylor Swift (who I learn from the caption is "Country Music's Britney") and Kathy form a secret voting bloc, in which they'll vote for each other. Kathy's seen Survivor.
Kathy also schmoozes Ne-Yo, whose album title she doesn't actually know. Incidentally, I think she's got a different hair color than usual. It's, um, richer. Or deeper or something. When we see her interviewing about the thug life she's now living, she's practically blonde. I'm not here to judge. A lady can wear whatever she wants on her head. Kathy (with a third color) interviews that it's delightful to mingle with her musical peers.
Christina Aguilera accurately calls Kathy on her lie when she claims to have seen Aguilera's baby. Normally, when you tell someone they have a cute kid, they just go along with it and don't demand dates and birth weight. Then Christina pats Kathy's butt as she leaves, which kind of baffles Kathy. And me, frankly.
Backstage, Kathy still doesn't know if she's been nominated, so someone in a headset goes off to check the stage manager's list. And she has! Hooray! Team Griffin is elated! Kathy claims, "My scheme worked!" I think she'd rather be nominated via a complicated scheme than by an album that was honestly deserving of it. At least, for the purposes of this show, in which Kathy Griffin (the character) is always scheming and plotting to claw her way up the Fame Ladder. But, as so often happens on this show, Kathy Griffin (the character) is brought back down to Earth quickly. As she's walking to her car (and calling out "Hey, everyone! I'm nominated for a Grammy!" some offscreen drunk guy asks, "Are you Joan Rivers's daughter?" Zing! Of course, Kathy says that she is.
In the limo, Kathy calls her mom to tell her the news, but before she can get the words out, her mom congratulates her. It turns out that Kathy's mom knows about the Internet. Curses! Kathy asks her mom if she'll help with the campaigning, and the answer, of course, is "If I have to, sure." Yes, she has to, or Kathy will cut her health insurance. And then Maggie (I get tired of calling her "Kathy's mom" all the time) starts talking about her will and having Tiffany do something, and Kathy freaks out about being on camera and shuts the conversation down.
Now we're into the part of the show where Kathy tries to round up Grammy votes. This will involve her housekeeper, but as soon as we meet her and learn that her name is "Minerva", we're told that she's changed it to "Hormisda". In an interview, she explains (in Spanish, which is translated for us) that the only reason Kathy calls her Minerva is that she couldn't pronounce her real name and just gave up and started calling her by the name of her housekeeper. Suddenly Kathy is Lucille Bluth? Anyway, Kathy's plan is for Hormisda to get her the Latino vote, because she speaks Spanish. This is a stupid plan, and it's a bit racist. But let's see where it goes.
Team Griffin (Tom, Tiffany, Maggie, and I guess Hormisda now) are sitting at the kitchen counter with a speech ("Hello [FAMOUS CELEBRITY], My name is [INSERT YOUR NAME, etc." Hormisda's is in Spanish. Kathy interviews about how important it is that she get a Grammy (it's a better cause than polio) and we're off to a montage of celebrity-bothering. Jon Bon Jovi! Chaka Khan! Maggie calls Wynonna Judd! Isn't she just "Wynonna" now? Wynonna doesn't know who "beloved comic Kathy Griffin" is and wants to know how her phone number got on this list. Maggie doesn't do a great job of selling Kathy, admitting that one of the other nominees in the category of Comedy Album is George Carlin. You know, the brilliant, seminal comedian who just died? Kathy interviews that she realizes that Carlin is both the sentimental favorite and better than her, but she still wants to win. Finally, Wynonna says, "There's only room for one redhead at the Grammys" and hangs up.
Tom gets Little Richard on the phone, and it's a lot of Whoo!ing. Little Richard claims to be voting for Big Maybelle. I'm going to be honest here: I'm not sure Big Maybelle is on the ballot, what with having died in 1972. And it says here that she's already in the Grammy Hall of Fame. Plus, she was more "blues" than "comedy". Kathy admits that the campaigning isn't going too well, since people are mostly unaware of the comedy category or are already planning on voting for George Carlin.
Hormisda is tasked with calling the Latino recording artists, which turns out to mean Charo. This is dumb, but I do like the phrase "Señorita Charo". And Hormisda appears to charm Charo, who promises to vote for Kathy. But upon learning that Carlin's also on the ballot, she says "He's gonna win, you know that. He's an icon. I think she better consider prostitution." Awesome. And on it goes. Chaka Khan thinks Kathy has a chip on her shoulder but sounds willing to vote for her.
Now Kathy's off to do a show in Vancouver, BC. She claims that this is part of her ongoing quest to get a Grammy, but I don't really see how it ties in. And as part of the show's "D-List" angle, Kathy has to explain that she's actually going to be in Richmond, not Vancouver. Whatever. I'm in Seattle, which is very, very close to Vancouver, and I couldn't tell you the difference between Vancouver and Richmond. Well, unless you count the fact that I've only heard of the one that starts with a "V." So Kathy's getting there a day early to see Lily Tomlin's show, on the theory that Lily (who won a Grammy for Best Comedy Album back in 1972) can help her out. Although the real reason is that Lily Tomlin is awesome.
We are introduced to Howard, who runs the River Rock casino. He greets Kathy with a whole line of employees in the lobby, and he gives her flowers and a hardhat. The hardhat's because there's construction going on in the lobby. He also gives her a signed autograph of himself (which is baffling and unexplainable) and there's also a giant cake for her! It's one of those fancy cakes that's hard to actually eat, which does not stop Kathy. Howard directs Kathy's attention to the calendar, which has her right to Lily Tomlin. Kathy says that she wants whatever it is that Miss Tomlin gets. Howard's okay with that. Kathy's doing two shows, while Lily's only here for one night. So he's willing to do anything Kathy wants. Fire a showgirl? Done. Hang on her every second of the day? Done. Get the hell out of her way because he's already getting on her nerves? You got it! Suddenly show back up? Yes! Continue to bother Kathy? Absolutely! Get lost, Howard! Okay!
Kathy is excited to see Lily's show live, which she's never done. Darn right she's excited! She even has a special box to watch from. It turns out that Lily's still doing that Ernestine routine ("One ringy-dingy... Two ringy-dingies..." look it up!). As Howard joins Tom and Kathy in the special box, Lily mentions on stage that Kathy's in the audience. Kathy promptly stands up and shouts, "I have a question, Miss Tomlin! Will you please be a guest on Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List!" This is just as staged as the "spontaneous" inclusion on Kathy in Bette Midler's show, but I enjoy it more this time. This just feels more like something Kathy would actually do. Lily razzes Kathy a bit from the stage ("I refuse to get on that sinking ship!") but it's all in good fun.
Howard leads Kathy through hallways (hallways again!) to Lily's dressing room. Kathy apologizes for heckling her, but Lily thinks it went well. Lily tells Kathy she's "not doing it because I want to. I'm doing it because I need to." Kathy thinks that line should go in the commercials. It should have! Lily tells Kathy she was hoping Maggie would be here, and Kathy interviews about how Lily turns out to be a big fan ... of her mother's. Shrug.
So Lily is doing a meet-and-greet with about twenty fans, and Kathy will be watching and learning how to interact with fans. I guess. Even though she's been doing this for years and years herself. Lily tells Kathy that she actually corresponds with her fans. Really? Huh. Anyway, the meet-and-greet mostly involves a handshake and a quick picture. I guess I've had a "meet-and-greet" with Mickey Mouse, then. After some fun, Lily and Kathy go off to dinner so Kathy can pick Lily's brain./p>
So in the forums for last week's episode, Milburn Stone had this to say: It did occur to me as I watched all the one-on-one time with Kathy and Bette that what we were really watching was a talk show surrounded by the trappings of a "reality show." Nicely observed! Because we're now doing the same thing with Kathy and Lily Tomlin. I hope this continues, because if we're really doing a weird talk show now, I'm into it.
Kathy is excited because Lily has won lots of awards and is one of only two women to win a Grammy for Best Comedy Album. The other, incidentally, was Whoopi Goldberg. If you were wondering. Lily tells Kathy that the year she got nominated for a Daytime Emmy, she went dressed as Ernestine in an attempt to get people to notice her. This, Kathy points out, is exactly like what she did with her "Suck it, Jesus!" speech. Well, not exactly. Lily tells a story about Ingrid Bergman, who returned to the Oscars from exile and got a standing ovation. Lily thinks it would have been cool if, instead of standing there all stoic, Ingrid had flipped everyone the bird. Kathy remembers the time she flipped off the Planet Earth people.
Lily and Kathy have both been banned from the Conan O'Brien show, although Kathy's ten-year ban has just ended. Lily's ban was for asking Conan not to use "douchebag" as a pejorative. Because it's anti-woman, you see. They get onto the subject of bannings, and Kathy tells Lily about how she's been banned from life from The View by Barbara Walters personally. Howard comes in and bothers them, so they give fake promos into the cameras about how great the River Rock Casino is, and how loose the slots are. It turns out that Lily got some free chips, but Kathy didn't. Shock horror! Lily tries to stir up trouble by claiming she got $42,000 in chips, but there's enough trouble in that Kathy's sick of Howard getting between her and Lily Tomlin.
So the thing you know, Kathy and Lily are in Lily room. In her bed. Woo-woo! Lily thinks Kathy has a shot at winning. Until she learns that Carlin's nominated, and then Kathy just rates a pat on the wrist and a sympathetic noise. On learning that Whoopi is the only other woman who's won, Lily deadpans, "I'm sure she shouldn't have won." Ha! Actually, that was back when Whoopi was funny. See, I've got this theory that Comic Relief sucked all the funny out of the three main organizers, who were Whoopi Goldberg, Robin Williams, and Billy Crystal. Before 1986, they were all funny. You kids will have to trust me.
Sorry. Got distracted. Kathy is grilling Lily. Lily admits that she's slept with a guy, but denies having slept with any costars. She cops to liking Steve Martin (who she acted with in All of Me, which was awesome. Also The Pink Panther 2, which I'm assuming was not). Now there's wine going on in the bed as the discussion gets saucy. Well, as saucy as any discussion can be that includes the sentence "I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 38 years," anyway. Impressive! Kathy wants to know if Lily turned Lindsay Lohan gay. Lily is open to the possibility.
Kathy is also very curious about any fallout from the one YouTube clip of Lily Tomlin being all foul-mouthed on the set of I Heart Huckabees. There was some, but Lily is pretty cheerful about the whole thing. And it turns out the reason Dustin Hoffman was just sitting there letting the storm blow over was that he personally was pretty drunk at the time. Fascinating!
It is time for Kathy to get her celebrity guest to get even more famous people on the phone for her. But they're on the west coast, and it's pretty late, so Lily refuses to call Jane Fonda at two in the morning. They end up on Liza Minnelli's voicemail, and Kathy panics, curses, and hangs up. Well done. Kathy calls her mom so Lily can talk to her. Maggie has no questions for Lily Tomlin. Lily thinks this is hilarious. Kathy orders Maggie to ask a question about "Goldie [bleep] Hawn" because she's embarrassing her. Lily thinks Kathy's being mean to her mother.
After what I'm assuming are several more drinks, Lily starts showing Kathy some cheers from her cheerleader days. Who knew Lily Tomlin used to be a cheerleader? Kathy shows Lily some of her father's cheers from the 1920s. Let's just say that "gooseberry pie" is used for a rhyme. Lily accurately describes this as "pretty square".
The day, Kathy and Lily have an interview with someone called "Nardwuar," or "Nardwuar, the Human Serviette". He looks and talks a bit like David Cross pretending to be, let's say, a Restoration-era fop. His antics quickly become tiresome.
With Nardwuar gone, Kathy and Lily are having breakfast. Kathy has a show that night, but she still has time to harass Lily about calling Jane Fonda for her. Lily does not think Kathy should ask Jane if she's still bulimic, but it's clear that Lily thinks it's a hilarious idea. Kathy wants to ask Jane if she's ever slept with a costar, but Lily thinks it's weird that Kathy's so interested in that. Kathy's explanation is just "I like other people's business!"
Jane's on the phone! As soon Lily tells her she's with Kathy Griffin, Jane claims to be losing her to static. Kathy grabs the phone and asks if Jane can hear her. The answer is a very clear "No." Then she admits she can hear Kathy but tells her to watch her mouth. Kathy panics and asks Jane what she liked best about Donald Sutherland (with whom she had a sex scene in Klute. She looked at her watch. Very famous). Jane's answer is "His hangdog eyes." Kathy tries to dance around the subject by asking if she ever had a "little crush" on him, and Jane goes straight to "He was my lover for awhile!" It was a different time. I'd hate to tell you what Peter Fonda was getting up to. Jane accuses Lily of being uptight and gets off the phone after denying being drunk.
up is Liza. Or at least, whoever answers Liza's phone. Kathy claims to be Lily, and to be "in a mood". Lily is shaking her head fondly. I think it's fondly. Liza is enthusiastic and friendly. She's also supposedly a nervous wreck because she's going on Saturday Night Live. Lily and Liza have a very quick high-powered A-List drive-by, full of things like "I haven't seen you in so long!" and "I wish we'd talked more at the Tonys!" Kathy doesn't say anything shocking and gets off the phone with Liza, who seemed very nice. Then Kathy thanks Lily for the experience. They seemed to get along well.
Anyway, Kathy's got a show tonight. Her name is in lights! Right to the word "Washrooms", which is also in lights. Kathy's nervous, because she hasn't done stand-up in three weeks. Also because her warm-up act is Howard. But the crowd seems glad to see her when she gets out there and starts making fun of the view from her hotel room. The routine also involves her Grammy nomination, which I believe we have covered in enough detail already. The show appears to go quite well.
It's time for Kathy's Meet and Greet, in which she will employ the skills she learned from Lily. She tried to "connect" more, which means that her smile has to be almost sincere. She's exhausted quickly, but is quickly rejuvenated when gay people enter the room. That's a weird superpower. Howard rushes in and orders Kathy not to mingle. They share a hug and "All Out of Love" plays as a montage of memories plays. We're pretending Kathy only had the one show, I guess.
week: Kathy smacks Paula Deen in the face with a stick! Also, the Grammys.
Check out an ode to when Kathy Griffin really was D-List
You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.