A new season of Kathy Griffin? Hooray! Say, does anyone know if Joe ever got that email from Kathy he was begging for? That was a great gimmick, and it makes me sad that I have too much self-respect to steal it.
Okay, let's get moving. On with the carnage!
Kathy introduces herself with "What up, bitches!" Then she recaps the last season, including winning an Emmy, hanging out with Anderson Cooper, and Jessica leaving. So now we're down to Tom and Tiffany to absorb all of Kathy's, um, perfectionism. So Kathy is pretty much forced to admit that she's actually pretty famous, but she's going to do her best to appear to be a struggling nobody who desperately wants to be famous. This show is getting pretty complicated, when you think about it.
Workers are digging up Kathy's foundation. Of her house, I mean. Wait, did that joke work? I was trying to imply something vaguely dirty about the word "foundation", but I just realized I didn't actually know what I'd be implying. Oh well. Onward! Kathy is remodeling her house, which explains why it looked so different on that episode of Cribs. Did you see that episode? It also had Marilyn Manson's house. It's a tiny bungalow, apparently.
Kathy is freaked out about the whole process. She claims that two of the tile people got into a fistfight in the shower. As she and Tiffany walk into the living room, Tom and Kathy's mom are waiting. I assume Kathy's mom is just there because Kathy has decided that she's comedy gold. After making fun of Tom for not using a napkin (it's a construction zone! Surely we can set aside the Emily Post rules at least until the sawdust settles) Kathy tells Tiffany to get her a hotel "that's befitting an A-Lister", by which she means "on the cheap."
The hotel Tiffany has chosen is a Holiday Inn Express, and Kathy has Tiffany check her in under her Star Alias: Gayle King. As Kathy hides under ostentatiously anonymous shades, she complains about being at "The H.I. ... E. It's not even the H. I." and then makes Tiffany and Tom shield her from the nonexistent people and hustle her through the imaginary celebrity entrance. It looks like fun, actually. time I go to a hotel, I'll pretend to be a celebrity!
Kathy is at NARAS, the Grammy Headquarters. Tom is carrying her Emmy awards. Kathy's goal is to somehow get a Grammy nomination. Her plan is to join NARAS and immediately vote for herself. When the poor front-desk lady calls Kathy's appointment in, she makes the mistake of calling her "Kathy Griffith". Kathy pounces on this (pounces!) and makes Tom show the Emmy awards to demonstrate the correct spelling. When the NARAS person Kathy's here to see comes down, Kathy checks to make sure Lizzy knows that her last name is "Griffin".
Upstairs in the NARAS offices, Kathy fishes for a way to bribe Grammy voters. The NARAS people don't seem that into the idea. They won't even let Kathy hold a Grammy to take pictures with it. There's allegedly a special rule disallowing non-Grammy-winners from touching them. This worries Kathy, because she lets homeless people take pictures with her Emmy. As soon as the NARAS people leave, Kathy starts acting up. First, she opens a cabinet and holds a Grammy. Gasp! Then she calls down to the front desk and pretends to be Miley Cyrus wanting to vote for herself. Um, for Kathy, I mean. Her imitation of Taylor Swift is also terrible, which is impressive when you consider I don't even know what Taylor Swift sounds like.
Kathy signs some papers and tries to establish a voting bloc. Unfortunately, the person she's talking to doesn't actually have a vote. This makes Kathy vow not to waste her valuable celebrity time on nobodies. Then there's some arguing about the math involved in getting a Grammy nomination, and Kathy has either a 5 in 53 chance or a 1 in 53 chance.
Holiday Inn. Tom likes it, although Tiffany thinks it smells gross. Tom can't stop laughing at the horrible carpet. Nice product placement, guys! Kathy is constantly ducking behind things to keep from being seen by housekeeping, but she also refuses to leave before getting the free breakfast. I think her goals are kind of in conflict. From behind a plant, she explains that the reason she is not in the Presidential Suite at the Four Seasons is that that place is really, really expensive. You know, Kathy's been a stand-up comedian for a long time. I strongly suspect she has stayed in a shitty hotel or two.
Sitting down to breakfast (a cinnamon roll), Kathy tells Tom and Tiffany that they'll all be going to Las Vegas to see Bette Midler's show and hang out with Bette. Kathy is excited about getting "A-List Training" with Bette, and Tiffany points out that, like Kathy, Bette is a gay icon. They leave without even touching their cinnamon rolls.
Las Vegas! Caesar's Palace! Backstage at Bette Midler's show! Kathy is excited about meeting Bette, even though she's already met her. "It's a very A-List moment! For me. For her, it's not so good. More D-Listy." Bette's green room is huge and absurd. She's got multiple rooms inside her room. Kathy compares Bette's show (a million showgirls! Dancing elephants! A full-scale reenactment of the Hindenburg disaster!) with her own (Kathy on a stool). I think Kathy's show is more portable. Bette can't really tour with all that, can she?
Kathy waits outside Bette's dressing room, which has a large, cheerful sign saying "PLEASE DO NOT ENTER OR KNOCK" on it. I guess that's really not all that cheerful. Kathy looks nervous and edgy and starts automatically making fun of things like the combination lock on the door. "There's a fire extinguisher. In case she's so talented, she just explodes." Finally, one minute before the show, Bette bursts out of her room! There's a burst of babbling, and then it turns out that Bette wants Kathy to help out with the show somehow. Does Kathy want to do ten minutes? Shut up! They compare walks, because this whole time Bette is moving quickly toward the stage. I guess. I mean, it's just hallways, but I assume that's where she's going. Then Bette suddenly tells Kathy not to come near her, and Kathy ducks out of her eyeline as Bette ducks through a doorway.
So then Bette's tour manager tells Kathy she's really supposed to be in the show. She's directed to go talk to the choreographer (Toni Basil! Yay!) and get a costume. Somewhere backstage, Toni glares at Kathy: "Okay, what has Bette Midler told you?" I imagine it must be very hard not to call her "Bette Midler" with both names all the time. Toni assures Kathy that this'll be easy. All she has to do is lie face down, say one line and then get off stage. Kathy tells us that Toni Basil is the "Hey, Mickey" girl, but who doesn't know that? I had that album at one point. Toni's cover of "Rock On" was pretty weird.
Toni takes no crap from Kathy, making her lie face down. Do it like that! Not like that, like that! Get off stage in twenty seconds or the flying motel will decapitate you. Like Bret Michaels at the Tony Awards!
Tom, Tiffany, and Kathy are in the wings as showgirls run around past them. Kathy realizes she has to change, and makes a big deal out of doing it right out in the open, saying "I am now officially in show business!" Yes, now you're in show business.
As Kathy lies down on the motel, a mermaid in a wheelchair rolls past. The mermaid is an essential part of Bette's show. She is! Anyway, the motel set gets wheeled on stage while Bette is saying "Girls, we have arrived!" so I guess there's some kind of plot or something. We see Bette as a mermaid in a wheelchair to some other wheelchair-bound mermaids. The joke is that it's not "Cirque du Soleil"; it's "Sunque du So Low". Bette delivers the cue: "Girls, I'm afraid we've sunk as low as the D-List with Kathy Griffin," and Kathy stands up, absorbs some applause and informs Dolores (that's Bette's mermaid character) that she doesn't go to her job and knock the dicks out of her mouth, which is also her line from CNN. I guess it's her signature comeback now. Then she shimmies across the stage and is gone.
Backstage after the show, Kathy and crew are allowed into Bette's dressing room to congratulate her on a good show. Bette claims to mortified by Kathy's dick joke. Oh please, Bette. Your career started in bathhouses. I've seen you say far worse things. Bette is also surprised that Kathy used that joke after it got all that publicity on New Year's Eve (oh, that's right, there was a heckler and she kind of lashed out. I'm sure it's on YouTube if you want to go check it out), although Kathy claims in an interview that recycling jokes is good for the environment. Bette tells Kathy that to her, she looks like she has class. Did you follow those pronouns?
Kathy and Bette introduce their entourages to each other: Tom and Tiffany, meet Marty the Tour Manager to the Stars. Bette is surprised to learn that Kathy has merchandise, which turns out to mean "T-shirts that say 'Suck It'." Kathy "convinces" Bette to show off her lavish gift shop. Lookit all the Bette Midler stuff! There's also a lot of Cher stuff, because they share a shop. Bette shows off her merch, and it's all pretty shameless. Kathy is impressed with the stark difference between her own merch (T-shirts tacked to a corkboard) and Bette's permanent Merchandise Store.
Kathy and Bette walk through the casino while Kathy marvels at the love that is thrown Bette's way from all directions. As they ride the elevator up to Bette's suite, we learn that she has to hide the label on her square bottle of water because Bravo won't pay to clear the rights. The point of this is lost on me, because Bette clearly says the name of the water. Kathy claims to be definitely cable.
As Kathy and Bette enter the Midler Suite, Kathy tells Tom and Tiffany to get lost. It's enormous, of course. There's fancy food on rectangular plates. There's salmon-caviar pizza and something with lobster claws sticking out. The chef, who is loudly French and also very friendly, comes out and Kathy asks for a grilled cheese sandwich. She gets along well with the chef, because he is tolerant of her French. Then Kathy starts grilling Bette on her show routines. Bette doesn't eat much before a show where she sings. She doesn't want to know what celebrities are in her audience. Neither does Kathy, although she does need to know if someone she talks about is there, so she can cut that material.
Kathy remembers that Lindsay Lohan was in the pilot episode of "Bette", but Ms. Midler has only nice things to say about her. Bette doesn't watch television, but she does watch YouTube a lot. We cut to Kathy explaining that she thought all of her questions were perfectly appropriate, so the question will presumably be a doozy. She asks if "The Wind Beneath My Wings" is about farts. Bette doesn't laugh. Kathy blames the guys who told her to ask that. Bette gives a tight smile and wants to move on. Kathy recovers by getting Bette to tell her a story about Cher, Elton John, and Flip Wilson. Then, with a detour through Bob Dylan, we reach the story where Bette did Carson's last Tonight Show. This whole time, they're kind of sitting to each other and looking sideways, and it really feels staged to me. I mean, I realize the whole reason Kathy's here is so she can, basically, interview Bette the way she's doing so it can be on the show the way it is, but it just doesn't feel as candid as the show usually does. Which isn't much to begin with, you know?
Kathy brings up the Grammy award. Bette tells her she can't vote for her because she's not in the Academy. Bette offers to get Stevie Nicks on the phone. Kathy is extravagantly disbelieving that anyone can just pick up the phone and call Stevie Nicks. She's another one; her names just run together into one word: "Hello, Stevienicks!" calls Kathy. Stevienicks sounds friendly enough on the phone and is sure to get in a plug for Fleetwood Mac, who are apparently together again for the moment. However, Stevienicks encourages Bette and Kathy (and us, I guess) to see the show early in the tour, because there's a chance she'll hook up with Lindsey Buckingham out on the road, and you know how that goes. Kathy is delighted to be getting celebrity dirt she didn't even have to dig for. Stevienicks promises Kathy that she's got her Grammy vote, because she is her favorite comedienne. After Stevienicks explains that a comedienne is a lady comedian, Kathy gloats about being called a "lady". Bette is unconvinced. Then Stevienicks admits that she's not a voting member anyway and Kathy is understandably frustrated. Kathy tells Bette that Stevienicks is a wiccan, and quickly gets carried away with making things up about Stevienicks's coven.
Now Kathy is taking Bette out to dessert somewhere. In the car, Kathy and Bette talk about their looks and plastic surgery. Kathy has taken Bette to a horrible little casino that appears to be completely empty. Kathy is having a deep-fried Twinkie and Bette's getting a deep-fried Oreo. Oh, and after they're deep-fried, it appears that they're sprinkled with powdered sugar. Well, thank god for that. Bette admits that the deep-fried Oreo is really good, and Kathy gloats a little about that. "I know I had all sorts of saturated fats and oils. But I can't name them. So how bad can they be? Doctor?," reflects Kathy.
As they leave the casino, Bette some loud drunk people ask Bette to sing Happy Birthday to them. Bette obliges, but the cameraman is more interested in a crazy lady who has wandered into the shot. The crazy woman sings along and fixes her hair while staring directly into the camera. Kathy describes it as "breaking the fourth wall".
Special midcommercial footage! Kathy and Bette poke at one of those really complicated video slot machines and Bette wins ten bucks or so. It looks like a lot when it's in nickels.
Kathy bids a tearful goodbye to Bette, who can't wait to take off her heels and relax. Kathy interviews that she's surprised how little Bette cares for vulgarity, considering the legendary bawdiness of her stage show. Kathy would like some credit for being on her best behavior. Kathy reels off a few bleep-filled phrases she didn't even say!
Later this season: LL Cool J! Don Rickles! Kathy's mom tries to call the Chemical Brothers! Paris Hilton! Kathy reels off George Carlin's Seven Words You Can't Say on Television! Although it turns out you can say one of them now. Rosie O'Donnell moons a boat! Lily Tomlin! End of show!
Check out an ode to when Kathy Griffin really was D-List
Monty has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.