Joe's not here this week. I think he's in LA, beating up those Million Dollar Listing jackasses. He might also stop in and tell the Millionaire Matchmaker to take a break with the bronzer. He does it all for us.
Kathy E-mail Watch: Joe R. is still waiting forlornly by his virtual mailbox. Come on, Kathy -- I can vouch for him, he's totally not crazy. And if you e-mail him and he starts stalking you, I'll provide you with free legal representation to help get a restraining order. So really, you've got nothing to lose by writing to him.
Kathy's starting stand-up is about how Jennifer Lopez had to sneak in a side entrance at an award show to avoid PETA protesting her fur-wearing ass. Kathy jokes that she would have posed for photos while they tossed paint on her and used it as her Christmas card. If she shows up at the Grammies wearing some of the wigs we've seen, she might get that chance, because a few of them do look like the pelt of some spectacular red rodent.
Kathy drives up to some kind of photo shoot, telling us that since she's won the Emmy, she hasn't had to resort to her normal crass publicity-seeking schemes. Like officiating at a wedding. Or opening a school in Mexico. None of that for her. Instead, she's shooting a cover for some magazine. I couldn't tell if it was "American Way" or "American Wig." Either one seems appropriate. They asked her to bring her Emmy with her, and then posed her at a bus stop like some fabulous Emmy-winning hobo. (For all my bitching, Kathy's hair/wig truly looks amazing during the photo shoot. The stuff on her head looks so much better since she stopped letting her untrained former spouse style it.) And then they pose her with a Chihuahua. And then some hot dreadlocked passerby. He's kind of charismatic, in a creepy way, and he and Kathy bond over an apparent love of Family Guy and cocktail wieners. (For a few seconds, I thought they were blurring the passerby's package, like what's up with that? Is it that enormous and/or disturbing that they can't show it on Bravo? But it turns out it was just, like, water on the camera lens.) Kathy interviews that her Emmy is getting worn out, so she needs to win a new award.
And that's the intro to a bit about Kathy's campaign to win a Grammy. She goes to New York to meet with her record execs who are going to re-brand her. They have ideas about a photo shoot and billboard -- it's kind of a photo story about a celebrity gone bad. (And the album is going to be called For Your Consideration. If you love Kathy, you'll go buy it. Or you could show your love for Christopher Guest, and buy his movie of the same name.) Kathy thinks that she'll either win a Grammy or get the record execs fired.
Kathy meets with stylist Robert Verdi and tells him that she needs to look just as glamorous as former Grammy winners Maya Angelou and Janet Reno. Or, as she interviews, she should look like a combination of Tito Puente, Gwen Stefani, and the Foo Fighters. After mocking some other dress she owns, Robert picks her out a slinky metallic gold gown. Robert piles her with jewelry, and they joke about making the gown a mini. It's all very funny and self-deprecating, and then Robert jokes about how fucking pale Kathy is.
Kathy's photog is Mike Ruiz. Kathy thinks he's hot, and he is, in a big, beefy, stubbly kind of way. There are lots of photos of Kathy standing at a Grammy podium, holding the award, walking on the red carpet. She does some great photographic impersonations of other celebrities doing their red carpet walks. Then Kathy interviews that she realized that Amy Winehouse has five Grammies, so she should try to be more like her. So they wreck her makeup and she crawls along the red carpet, clawing for her Grammy while trash is strewn all about her. And then they finish up with a simulated mug shot. Commercials.
Kathy interviews that once she wins her Grammy, she'll undoubtedly be overwhelmed with endorsement offers, so she needs advice on what to do with all the filthy lucre she'll soon earn. And then she tells us that she arranged an interview with Suze Orman. Crap, nobody told me I would have to recap this obnoxious idiot. I thought we were done with all the offputting lesbians when Rosie was on the show. You owe me, Joe R.! Kathy, whose love of money I don't actually find that objectionable, loves Suze. Jessica's worried that Suze will yell at her. Kathy interview that Suze is to her what Jesus is to Clay Aiken. What, a Hispanic poolboy that he wants to blow? Oh, wait, my bad -- that's Jesús. Kathy worships her and her power lesbian suits.
On the drive to Suze's studio (which seems to be in Jersey), Kathy wonders if Suze has done Oprah and Gail's finances. I think Oprah has an entire bank to do her finances. They arrive, and Kathy keeps threatening to kick Tom in the balls if he doesn't open doors for her. Suze greets them, and they all go into her studio. Kathy pulls her financial records out of a bag, and Suze is upset that all of Kathy's ledgers are red. Whatever, leather jacket. For some reason, Kathy is carrying around Maggie's will -- it turns out that everything is going to Joyce, Kathy's sister. Kathy wants Team Griffin to present their financial records to Suze. Kathy has forced all of them to put half of their Christmas bonus into an IRA. Kathy tells Tiffany to ask Suze if she can afford a Range Rover. Suze tells her she's denied! But for financial reasons, not because it's a tacky piece of shit to drive. Suze just heaps abuse on the assistants. In particular, she hates Jessica's habit of leasing cars. Suze thinks that leasing cars will be the stupidest thing Jessica ever does in her life. Jessica: "I don't think that will be the stupidest thing I ever do." Ha! Jessica, one: Suze, negative twenty. There's old West showdown music playing as Suze and Jessica go at it like the two ornery chicks they are. Suze interviews that "Jennifer" (which is Jessica's lesbian name, apparently) just refused to accept Suze's money wisdom. In fact, she calls her "stupid, just plain stupid." Oh no you didn't! You can call Jessica lazy, you can call her a slacker, you can call her pushy, you can call her a woman of loose morals ... wait, what was my point? Oh yeah, you cannot call Jessica stupid! The painful Suze Orman bit ends, and Kathy interviews that Team Griffin's lives were changed, even if they don't know it yet. Commercials.
Back in LA, Kathy decides she needs publicity. Her plan? To pretend-date Adnan Ghalib. Crap! I'm gonna make you pay for this, Joe R.! He comes to her house, and she tells him the plan is to drive around and be photographed by the paparazzi. (Again, Kathy's hair is looking amazing here.) Kathy does make a joke about how she must be desperate if she invited Adnan and whatever little friends he's carrying on his person into her home. He seems to get that he is, in fact, a social leper. (And perhaps a real one.) She asks him if he would ever try to take photos of her if he heard she was at a store. He would, but only in the hope that her death was imminent so the pix would have some value. He tells her all he could get of a nude picture of her would be $250, but only if the carpet matches the drapes.
Kathy and Adnan drive around looking for photogs. She tells him that she once fired an assistant for selling stories about her to the Globe. But she fired him because he only got $50, which hurt her feelings. For some reason, they stop at Justin Timberlake's house, and Adnan takes photos of her. And then a gardener comes out and chases them away. Adnan is on his phone and telling the paps exactly where to find him. They swarm the car, asking Adnan if Kathy is the new Brit. The men all seem shocked that Adnan is with Kathy, while the one woman there is shocked that Kathy is with Adnan. Heh. Allegedly, Adnan keeps getting calls from Britney, whom he calls "Baby." I say "allegedly" because I have no idea if this guy is just making shit up to extend his brief period of fame. Kathy interviews that if Britney sees Kathy with Adnan, she'll go apeshit. And then Woz calls Kathy. Kathy tells Woz all about her paparazzi day. Naturally, he understands none of this. Commercials.
Gah, the pap smear... I mean, "pap tour" continues. Adnan parks the car at some shopping area and they walk out of the car, surrounded by photogs. He takes her hand, briefly, but pulls back when someone mentions Britney. He also drags her out into traffic against the light. I think this might be a subtle plan of Britney's to get Kathy hurt. And then there's some weird bit about paparazzi etiquette -- apparently, it's okay to hound people incessantly, but it's rude for another photog to join the mob after it started hounding the celebs. Kathy decides to ramp up the attention by shoving one of the paps (the one who joined the mob late). And then Adnan drags her into a lingerie store. The clerks lock the doors, keeping the scum... I mean, "paparazzi" out. Adnan and Kathy emerge from the store, and some woman driving slowly by tells the photographers that she knows who Kathy is, but she makes a face because she doesn't like her. Kathy decides to continue to emulate Britney by walking up to the car and picking a fight.
Back at Casa Griffin, Kathy and Adnan pose on her balcony and pretend to kiss where the paparazzi can get the pix. Kathy interviews that she'll check the blogs and such later, but her hopes aren't high because those internet bitches usually hate her. But we don't hate you, Kathy. E-mail Joe R. and you'll have at least one friend on the tubes. And then the horrible Adnan day is done.
day. Or so they would have you believe. Kathy, sitting at her iMac, calls Tiffany and Jessica over to her to deal with a P.R. emergency. It's actually not an emergency -- it's all kinds of great stuff online about her publicity whore day. Kathy thinks that Grammy voters who voted for Britney in the past will now vote for her.
Kathy pops in on her mom to take her to dinner. But she finds Maggie sitting there with Patrick, getting ready for dinner themselves. Apparently, Maggie lied to Kathy and told her she wasn't feeling well because she wanted to go out with Patrick and seven other gays. Who Maggie met at Patrick's birthday dinner, which Kathy also missed. Look, Kathy, if you neglect your gays they're gonna find another hag. Don't take your gays for granted. She actually looks genuinely upset and hurt. Kathy interviews that Maggie should just go live with the Bad Girls Club since she's turned into such a wild woman. Maggie puts on her trench coat and gets her walker and they head out.
Walking down the sidewalk to the restaurant, people eating on patios make hooting and hollering noises in Kathy's direction. Except they're really hooting at Maggie, as every gay man stops Kathy to tell her how much they love Maggie. They arrive at the restaurant, and all the gays greet Maggie and pretty much ignore Kathy. Maggie interviews that it was easy to steal Kathy's gays because they're all so nice and friendly. But Maggie is willing to share them. Kathy interviews: "My mother is drunk on power and wine. There's no stopping her. I'm gonna have to say she's worse than Hitler." Kathy tells Maggie that it's time to go, but she wants to stay, and tells Kathy that hunky gay Greg will see that she gets home okay. So Kathy, all dejected, leaves the joint and wanders home alone. Commercials.
Casa Griffin. Maggie is there, and Kathy tells her that she's there to do an interview with grandparents.com. For some reason, Kathy thinks this will appeal to the geriatric Grammy voters. I'm sorry, Kathy, but I think the Rolling Stones have cornered the market on that demographic. Kathy gives her some interview tips, one of which is not to be drunk and another of which is not to embarrass Kathy. There's some interview stuff with Kathy about Maggie getting a spinoff, and then a long and rambling story in which Maggie explains why she's wearing a band-aid. So then Kathy fetches the "reporter" from the website. Her name is Susan. She's there to profile Maggie as an Extraordinary Grandparent. Kathy tells Maggie to tell Susan about her recent purchase, so Maggie tells her about the fancy bra she bought. And then she shows off the lift and separation she's getting from it. The interview goes on, with Kathy constantly interrupting. Susan seems to get the whole shtick, and is completely unfazed by her Extraordinary Grandparent talking about hanging out with the gays she stole from Kathy.
it's an interview and a photo shoot with some old people's magazine. Kathy gives her mother an outfit to wear, and then threatens her with a nursing home if she dares to shove a wadded up tissue in the pocket. Maggie doesn't know how she'll survive without some emergency sneeze protection on her person. The magazine reporter is named Dave -- he's an older guy with a straw hat. Kathy jokes about how Dave is clearly smitten with Maggie, and offers to get a couple of condoms and leave them alone. And then there's a photoshoot, and Maggie ends up on the cover of Eldr Magazine. Sic, obviously.
And now Kathy's meeting with a bunch of folks who are going to be involved with marketing her album. They show her the album cover, and then some ads they'll use to promote the album and her Grammy bid. Kathy interviews that she's a marketing genius, as demonstrated by the successful plan she hatched to get on television when she was a little girl, which involved her being funny and swearing a lot. She also interviews that she loves being surrounded by sycophants who show her pictures of herself and tell her how wonderful she is. Well, duh, who doesn't? Why do you think I took this gig? Commercials.
Kathy's at home with Maggie, showing her the album artwork. Kathy makes Maggie read the names of the tracks out loud, but Maggie refuses to read the word "pussy." Or the word "fuck." Eh, just give her another box of wine and ask again later. Maggie is shocked by all the photos of Kathy looking like Amy Winehouse, and interviews that she thinks you need to be able to sing to win a Grammy. Kathy thinks that gumption is all she needs to with the damn award. And then it gets very surreal, as Kathy fantasizes about how winning the Grammy will make all her childhood enemies feel bad. And then her faced gets morphed onto a billboard and she tells the whole world to suck it. "By the end of the Grammies, a lot of people will have sucked it." The line forms behind me.
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LTG is a pension lawyer in Washington, D.C., which explains why he's so mean and bitter. If Kathy really wants to cheese off Joe R., she should e-mail LTG.