Kathy Email Watch: It's a holiday week, so I can't expect Kathy to be sending strange recappers notes when there are illegal fireworks to be obtained.
Tonight's episode-starting stand-up focuses on The Bad Girls Club, a show I totally haven't seen every episode of. Much love is given to "Pop Off!" as a catch phrase. Kathy holds a company meeting to discuss her shows at Madison Square Garden (which were in January -- and for which I totally was not on the ball and failed to get tickets before they sold out). Kathy reminds her staff (and us) that she's been re-banned from The View after her Barbara Walters/Astroglide joke from her last Bravo special. Yeah, I kinda thought that might get her in trouble. Kathy's excited because it's her first re-banning -- plus, honestly, being banned from The View was always better stand-up fodder than being on it. Though I'd kill to hear her thoughts on Sherri Shepherd.
Kathy breaks the View news to her mom, who is unexpectedly fired up and pledges not to watch The View again... or any other show Kathy's been banned from. Kathy: "Well, it's down to Judge Judy." Maggie does advise Kathy not to talk about Barbara in her stand-up anymore, and that way she might get invited back. So that hardline stance of hers lasted about five seconds there. Maggie advises Kathy (not all that seriously) to kiss ass to get along, but Kathy quotes her dear, departed dad: "Fuck 'em!"
Kathy talks to Jess and Tiff about the dearth of publicity she's got lined up for the MSG show, and their bright idea is to get Kathy ordained as a minister and then have her officiate a wedding. Kathy worries about getting a God complex -- you know, like Oprah -- before she recognizes the possibilities of getting good with Jesus. Though she's not so crazy about marrying a straight couple.
To New York! Kathy shows off her swank new outfit (and kickin' new haircut!) that she was going to wear on The View and instead says they're going to Rosie O'Donnell's craft workshop! Tom's eyes bug out of his head (how's he supposed to masturbate to that?) and Jess and Tiff are totally like, "...Yay?" Kathy explains that she knows about this via Rosie's blog, since Kathy is totally modern and into vlogging (she imbues the concept of "vlogging" with every bit of scorn it deserves, too). Tom announces his hope to make macaroni art. I swear to God, he's special needs.
So we're off to Rosie's house in... Westchester, I guess? And as usual, Rosie comes across better via her association with Kathy. We see Rosie's Emmys have been spray-painted (graffiti-tagged, according to Kathy), which Rosie totally blames on the kids. Did you know that Rosie's one of those no-televisions-in-the-house parents? My question is, how are her kids supposed to grow up with obsessive and unhealthy attachments to people like Barbra Streisand and Susan Lucci without televisions? I ask you! Anyway, Kathy interviews that Rosie's house is way more fun than The View, before she and Rosie get to vlogging. It's quite the visual, with Kathy looking dynamite in her Carolina Herrera and Rosie in her... jammies, it appears. They talk about how funny, famous women have to fight the "unlikeability factor," which is always my bugaboo with Rosie. I genuinely find her to be an unpleasant persona, and yet I think she gets WAY too much shit for it from other people, so I end up defending her. So Kathy tells the Astroglide story again, and she and Rosie give Barbara props for being a Playboy bunny, a fact which Tom already knew. Which is when Kathy decides to give us all the mental picture of Tom whacking off to a photo of Barbara Walters. Yeah, "thanks."
Rosie then declares that it's arts-and-crafts time, but Kathy happily passes on those unpleasant duties to her assistants. Kathy tells Rosie all about Woz, and then Rosie makes Kathy promise to get her invited to the TED conference. She says she'll give Kathy whatever she wants. Kathy's like, "Hold up, LET ME THINK!" because, seriously: anything. Kathy settles on getting to meet Cher (that's... not bad, actually), and Rosie's like, "Done." Kathy feels good about trading Woz for Cher. I would too.
Later, Kathy meets with Steve and Elka, the couple she's fixing to marry. They seem very nice, if a bit too eager to try and be funny in front of Kathy. They tell Kathy they want to be "married in laughter" (...sigh), and so they encourage Kathy to be as funny as she pleases. The only word that's off the table, we learn, is "titties." Which Kathy and I both find hilarious. Kathy thinks this is the best gig ever.
And now we're off to Brooklyn for a "Bad Girls Club reunion." Yay! In the car with Tiffany and Tom, Kathy expresses her desire to "pop off," though in a legit way, not a white-girl way. The plan is also to get Tom to disrespect one of the Bad Girls, so as to facilitate a popping off. They hit the bar and meet Tanisha, who is as delightful as I'd expect. Hanna orders a shot of Patron right off the bat, which I think means that Cordelia's gonna get one hell of a profane drunk-dial tonight. Kathy asks Tanisha for pop-off instructions, and Tanisha tries to get Kathy to pop off from her diaphragm.
After a commercial break, Hanna and Tanisha share tales of bad behavior, while Tom (whose chyron now says "On Thin Ice") takes a shot out of turn. It's not quite enough to get him popped off on, so Kathy and Tiff instead try to paint him as a terrible misogynist. So Tanisha and Hanna work themselves up into pop-off mode, but they're in too good spirits to really mean it. Hanna does, however, give Tom a hug that's laced with a nasty underarm pinch. Leave it to a Bad Girl to know the pressure points!
Kathy, her hair blasted out to '70s Jesus, goes over the prep for the wedding with Team Griffin. She says that while the ceremony is being officiated under whatever happy foo-foo online church ordained Kathy, it's also "a little Jewy." There's some confusion, then over the phrase "schein punim" ("pretty face") and whether it does or does not sound like "shaved pussy." I thought we established last week that "pretty face" meant "cunt features"? Some consistency, Kathy! She jokes about her insane Farrah hair, and in the car on their way to the church/barn where the wedding's happening, she mocks Team Griffin for burying their faces in their (new) Blackberries.
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Kathy meets with Samantha, the totally scary (yet totally awesome) wedding planner. Kathy interviews that she loves it when she comes across someone mean, bitchier, and bossier than herself. Indeed, Samantha appears to be a somewhat perfect combo of imperious and good-humored. She reminds Kathy that "titties" is the one verboten word, then totally makes fun of Kathy's green dress for a hundred years. It's fantastic.
Kathy meets with the "press" who came to cover the event... which equates to one British reporter from the Daily News. Kathy drops some provocative quotes about wanting to be called a "high priestess" now, and referring to the Lord as a "she." With no other reporters to talk to, Kathy makes her way to the aisle. She milks the applause as she walks down, then drops an f-bomb three seconds in and asks where her gays are at. Fortunately, this appears to be a cool(ish) crowd, so she gets some laughs.
It's interesting, because besides the fact that they're in a barn and Kathy Griffin is saying "shit" on the altar, it's a fairly traditional wedding, with the dress and the organ and "Here Comes the Bride" and all. Kathy explains to the guests about how she's been cleared to say any fucking thing she wants... except the word "titties." Which is when the "titties" counter shows up in the corner of the screen. Ahhh, saw that coming. Kathy interviews that if they hadn't forbade her from saying it, she probably wouldn't have, but now they're in for "the tittiest wedding ever."
Kathy lays out the choices between a "traditional," "simple," and "jailhouse" ceremony. Jailhouse wins, and Kathy starts reading the appropriate text. Of course, that's only a guideline for Kathy, and Samantha, hidden behind a white curtain, literally keeps poking at Kathy to keep her on task. It's not like she doesn't have cause, given that Kathy pronounces them man and wife before they even get to the vows. Ooops! They eventually get it right, and Tiffany raises her hand to object like Kathy told her too, and Samantha has to remind them to do the glass-breaking thing, and Kathy interviews that she wanted to take a pen and jab it back at that white curtain until she hit Samantha in the pussy. And so now they're married!
With that taken care of, we head back to Manhattan, where Kathy meets up with her pals Molly Shannon and Megan Mullally. Megan expresses her condolences about Kathy's dad, which Kathy says is now her No. 1 "airport question," as in what fans will ask her if they run into her, say at an airport. Molly's is "Are you the lady who does 'Superstar'?" and Megan's used to be a request to do the "Karen" voice, but now they just mistake her for Tina Fey. Which I can actually see. Megan then tells a funny story about tongue-kissing Rob Lowe in About Last Night, and then Molly -- who is totally the Whitney Port of this scene -- asks leading questions about the MSG show. Then Kathy transitions into more talk about The View, and Megan advises her to "fuck The View" and do her own show. Hmmm, a little residual morning-show rivalry there from Megan? Whatever, she's delightful.
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On the limo ride to the venue, Kathy tries out some material on passers by. It is guaranteed to not even be in the Top 5 craziest things some of those people have heard walking around that day. The performance goes well -- we get to see her tell the View story, which is a total gyp because we've only heard that story like fifteen times in the last hour. Yeah, it ties up a theme and all, but give us something new. She signs (dirty) autographs afterwards and says it went so well, they're talking about a New Year's show in the actual arena at MSG, where the Knicks play. "And they're a really good football team," Kathy explains.
After the break, Kathy peruses her press from the wedding and deems it a great success. Even if it was all in service of marrying straight people. You do what you have to do, I guess.
Joe R is totally eager to discuss his favorite Bad Girls Club moments with Kathy via email. He'll be around, whenever she's ready.
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