So you may have already read that some of the TWoP editorial staff actually got to attend the A-List Awards, but considering that the filming was more than two hours and the awards show has magically been trimmed down to a slightly more manageable 90 minutes (that includes commercials) we just had to know what got cut. So we decided (OK, I somehow volunteered myself) to do a recap of sorts of the televised show, with hopefully some insider info on what got cut. I say hopefully because, well, there was an open bar and a lot of my time was spent gawking at the Top Chef contestants so I can't promise all the juicy details, but I'll do my best.
First up, the red carpet. I don't like red carpet shows in general. I get annoyed by the "Who are you wearing?" and "What is your current project" and "Do you want to say hi to your kids?" questions that usually pepper these events. However, Tim Gunn, Project Runway mentor extraordinaire and just all around awesome guy, is hosting, so I had to peek in. Billy Eichner is joining Tim on the red carpet as a co-host. I'd never heard of this dude until I attended the A-List Awards, where I got to see his abrasive man-on-the-street interviews and kind of decided he was pretty cool. This has got some potential. Oh, and I just saw my friend Joanna. Fun.
Christian is there, a contender for the reality "Drama King Award," wearing a plastered on smile, his trademark uneven tresses and a rather subdued outfit. I hope Chris March shows up in like a full-on Vegas headdress or something. Then plug, plug, plug. Kathy Griffin, in her first outfit of the night -- a slender light green Dolce and Gabana number.
Billy's chatting with Jeff Lewis, who isn't screaming, so I barely recognize him. Billy tells Jenni Pulos that he wants to see her nipples. He doesn't pull an Isaac Mizrahi and actually touch her breasts, so he gets some credit for that.
Back to Tim, who's talking to Lauren Hutton. Considering the nutball speech she gives during the event, this should be good. She seems somewhat OK, though does talk about how she hasn't slept because of personal love problems. Tim's so naive. He's asking her real questions about the changes in the fashion industry. She gives an answer that seems like the answer to several questions that weren't asked of her, then Tim smiles and ushers off his little red platform. Oh, I feel for him. It's never fun when you learn that your idols aren't as amazing as you wish they were.
Billy's accosted Rachel Dratch, who apparently worked with him at some point. He looks like a giant to her. She has no answer to the obligatory "What are you doing now question." But at least he has the guts to ask her how much she hates Tina Fey for writing her off of 30 Rock. She demurs, smartly, because she wants to work again."Screw you Krakowski" shouts Billy. Nice. So much better than Seacrest or Billy Bush.
Tim got suckered in to talking to an uncomfortable looking Dalton Ross, one of the A-List judges, who happens to work at EW. Some boring explanation about how the nominees were chosen.
Billy's got Karina Smirnoff (who shows up in the fashion show). Karina says she hopes she doesn't trip. Billy smarms that as a dancer she should be able to handle it. She says they are totally different. Yeah, right. I'm with Billy. He asks her if she does a lot of drugs. I am officially in love with him now.
Tim's talking to Molly Sims, who looks beautiful and shiny. Glad to see her looking all fabulous since her show got canceled. Am I the only one who liked Las Vegas and was sad to see it go? Actually, I probably don't want to know the answer to that.
Billy's talking to Nick Verreos. Stupid story that I've got to share. I was walking around downtown right after his season of Runway ended and saw him on the street and couldn't quite place where I knew him from. I meet a lot of people for work and through friends and out of context, so my little brain gets confused. Anyway. I waved at him and said hi, Nick... like a moron who thought he was my friend. And he graciously smiled and said "Hi" back and asked how I was... before he kept walking away from the freakishly crazy girl who thought she knew him. It wasn't until two blocks later that I put together where I knew him from. Dumb. But to make a long story longer... he's very gracious and has nice manners. Which helps when talking to Billy Eichner about stripping and showing off all his manly chest hair.
Some guy from John Frieda is standing to Niki Taylor. He is a full head shorter than her, even with his stupid hat. Then Billy talks to Gail Simmons who brags that she went to the Emmys and gushes about how she's seen Kathy Griffin before. But her hair looks sleek. Padma talks to Tim, she's classy and says kind words about Lauren Hutton.
Billy wrangles the Real Housewives of New York City. He doesn't know anything about them. Neither do I. But he disses the makeup of the one who I think might be Ramona. "Good luck doing whatever it is you do." Amen.
Tim talks to Simon Doonan and Jonathan Adler. Adler designed the "groovy" A-List Award (a big strange head), which he created on his potters wheel. Fascinating.
Billy gabs with the Real "Fake" Housewives of Orange County. He asks if any of them women have ever hooked up lesbian style. Ha. Then rolls his eyes at the camera and says, "So much surgery up close, it's crazy." One of the women looks like she wants to claw his eyes out. Truth hurts, bitches.
Tim's talking to Margaret Cho. I love her (though I recently saw more of her than I ever wanted/needed to at her burlesque show) but she's not being really funny talking to Tim about the award she's giving out which is for funny people. But then she admits to being gobsmacked by Gunn. I can understand that. He's blushing. Then Jerry Springer's up talking about why he's been chosen to give away the chef award. There is no real reason. He does look nice though. I want a show with the two of them together. Can someone out there make that happen?
Billy's got Tanisha. This should be good. She's a spitfire (to put it mildly). She's "hungry" and Billy loves her boobs. He's obsessed. He wants to have breast sex with her. The bad girl looks flabbergasted for a minute before she starts talking about popping off or whatnot and walking away.
Tom Colicchio! Tim and Tom together. Great. But they have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Billy has cornered Nikki Blonsky, but she's so tiny that you can barely see her in the same shot as him. He has to hunch over. She's modeling a dress by Malan and looks very lacy and ready to tango. Billy calls her a "big little thing." I don't even know where to go with that. Neither does Nikki, so she smiles and walks away.
Dana Delany looks fan-freakin'-tastic in a fiery red dress by Christian Dior. Tim agrees. They talk about something... bored now. Billy plugs the new season of My Life on the D-List, then commercials.
Tim's talking to Kathy. Wait, I thought she had to go host or something. No wonder the filming of this started so late. And she's wearing a different dress. This is a flaming red gown, which looks nice, but not as nice as the one that Dana Delany was wearing. Tim wants to know why she's back too. She just wanted more attention... or something.
Billy has a pre-recoreded red carpet walk by Rainn Wilson, who was too busy in The Office off season to show up in person. He even pre-taped responses for Tim Gunn. This is much more lame then it sounds. Finally, red carpet is over. Now we've got the season premiere of My Life on the D-List (which I'm skipping because like So You Think You Can Dance is on and I've got priorities, D-List gets shuffled to TiVo at a later time.) and then in an hour, we're back for the actual awards show.
Kathy does stuff. Joe weecaped it so I don't have to bother. Yay.
I'm back. Did you miss me? Yeah, I bet not. But here we go with the actual A-List Awards. I have to say, it is a good thing they are short, because like, these get over late. Things that start after 10 PM usually get watched the morning/evening in the Cohn household so that I can get in some X-Box time. Tonight's special, or something, so I'm making an exception.
Kathy's stretched out on the piano, wearing the second dress she wore on the red carpet. Marc Shaiman (who only Broadway theater geeks like me know) is tickling the ivories and wrote the music for this number. Kathy disses Britney, Oprah, Seacrest, Dr. Phil and gets in profanity before the chorus. "When I call you a bitch it is filled with love." I feel the same way. She actually sings better than I would have expected. Kenneth from 30 Rock looks a bit shell-shocked -- do you think his schtick is just an act?
She takes a time out from her song to do a little rant about Mariah Carey and Tatum O'Neal. Then its time for Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan and Barbara Walters to take their lumps via song. "That lovely stench your wiffin', comes from deep in Kathy Griffin." Classy. If you hadn't guessed by this point... this is not like every other awards show on the air. Which is probably for the best.
The camera pans the big wide audience, we were safely hidden in the balcony, so hopefully I'll be spared from seeing my own mug on TV. Kathy's doing some stand-up in which she plans to say offensive things until she gets fired. Other hosts would never do this because they are on "real networks."
Her first step in getting axed is to do an awards show "quick change" live on stage. Something she was asked not to do. We see her duct taped boobs and her Spanx as she gets bleeped out for curse words talking about the loner dress she's got from Michael Kors. She totters out on stage with three seconds to spare, doing her best faux fashion model walk, cheeks all sucked in and everything.
Judah Friedlander is giving away the award for "A-List Female" and says that the winner gets the added bonus of sleeping with him. Him and a trucker hat. Irresistible. Dana Delany gets the first big head trophy. She's wearing hipster glasses, references the Real Housewives and even plays along with Judah's joke. Who knew she had such a vicious sense of humor? I think I like her more now. Not enough to start watching Desperate Housewives again, mind you. But more.
Tim Gunn glides out on stage with Christian Siriano. Christian says "Ms. Lauren Hutton" is looking fierce. If you call wearing a black bra under a wife beater shirt "fierce", then I guess he's right. He then makes a suggestive comment about liking some Tyson Beckford. Cut to Tyson looking phony shocked. It should be noted that Tyson is sitting to Tron guy who got a huge round of applause when the lights first went out in the house and he was sitting there glowing. Dude so deserves the "Cewebrity Award," but we'll get to that later.
Timmy is announcing the benefit fashion show. The cash is going to UNICEF's relief efforts in Myanmar. No one the entire night was sure how to say it. It makes me question if I have been saying it right. I think it is "Me-An-Mar." By Christian says "My-an-mar"... I don't know. Is there someone out there who can help me with this one? Tim plays footage of his mini-Runway episode. The designers from several different seasons are back at Parsons to learn about their big challenge. This we actually didn't get to see because it wasn't ready in time. We had to use our imagination. Michael Knight doesn't look as hot as I remembered. Sweet P however looks fuckin' phenomenal... for her. The celebs are paired up with their designers. Rebecca Budig (who I think married Bachelor Bob, so therefore deserves something nice in her life, like a fabulous dress) is matched up with Alison Kelly. Niki Taylor is with Laura Bennett. Candace Bushnell gets Daniel Franco. My beloved Chris March gets Holly Kiser. I didn't know who she was either, but she apparently won Make Me a Supermodel. She looks like a little pixie. Karina Smirnoff is with Michael Knight. Lucky bitch. Nick Verreos pulls the Kathy Griffin card in the lotto and gushes about how he wants to be one of her gays. A-dorable. Sweet P and Malan Breton don't get to meet their ladies, but Sweet P's got Kat Von D (frakkin' awesome) and Malan gets the aforementioned Hairspray cutie Nikki Blonsky. Chris March wants to use human hair. Some things never change. Nick teaches Kathy the walk and she rightly says that he'd be better wearing the dress. Yup. He'd work it.
Tim Gunn does a John Frieda pimpmercial. Kathy bitches about George Clooney ruining the goodie bag free-for-all. She shows off her free gift bag from "Uncle Jack's Steakhouse." Its filled with knives. I'd eat there.
Some blonde girl gives away a fashion award. I think she's a model, but she's fidgety and wearing a really, short skirt and using big "scripted" words and making fun of Judah Friedlander. Anna Sui wins the award, she thanks her fans and her parents... I think she's under the impression that this is like a real awards show where you are supposed to give speeches and be inspirational and such. I tuned out during her speech the first time, but it definitely felt longer in person, though if they cut it, I couldn't actually tell, you how. So much for the insider information.
Now the first Billy Eichner segment which starts with him saying, "You're probably gay or a woman because you are watching the first annual A-List Awards." He hit that demographic on the head. Then man on the street where he gets bored with his first interview, talks to a guy who is in love with Casey Affleck and an older woman who loves Meryl Streep and Billy shares his irrational exuberance about Mamma Mia. This becomes a recurring theme for him. Some guy with a Mohawk and an attitude makes my night when asked about Fergie singing a song in the Sex and the City movie, "so that makes her so special." Exactly, random guy. I'll come buy bootleg DVDs or whatever you're selling sometime. Rejects from the Legally Blonde reality show then giddily scream about the awards and their love of Kathy Griffin. Billy rightly screams back at them and runs away. Best. Interview. Ever.
Kathy's back, in a new dress that has a strange print. She introduces the Real Housewives of The O.C. who talk about how hot they are as they give away the "Drama Queen Award." Tila Tequila wins. I still don't understand what it is that she actually does. She's shorter than the microphone. She still doesn't know if she's straight or gay, but her printed dress is more hideous than Kathy's. She talks about girls sticking their tongue down her throat randomly. I have no words. Kathy sums it up beautifully when she comes out and congratulates her and then rolls her eyes to the audience. The Real Housewives of New York come out and join the O.C. gals and make fake nice. I realize now that the one who I thought was Ramona isn't. Ramona and some other blonde woman argue back and forth about who does nothing with their lives better and then they give out the "Drama King Award." This fittingly goes to the bitchtastic Christian Siriano, though Evil Dick would have been deserving as well. Blonde woman pronounces Christian's last name wrong. He's also shorter than the microphone. He gives a blissfully short "speech" and we're done with the whole Housewives faux feud. Thank god.
Simon Doonan comes out. He's also shorter than the mic. You'd think they'd fix that. Doonan makes an Edith Piaf reference. No one in the audience laughs. Clearly the reality show crowd isn't a big fan of La Vie En Rose. Chrysler, the car company, presents the Design Innovation Award to the Wii Fit. I can't handle his speech about fat asses because I'd actually rather be playing with my Wii Fit than watching this. Some pro skateboarder dude, who is not Tony Hawk, Wee-Man or Rob Drydek and therefore out of my scope of knowledge on the subject, comes out to accept the award. He looks like he's going to fall off his board. Are we sure this guy is for real and not just some goober who came in for the open bar and free trophy? He talked for a really long time, but those Magical Elves producers found a way to edit it way, way down. Genius. And they left in him almost falling on his ass. Best part of the whole night so far.
It is at this point that I realize that one of Kathy's best rants has not been included in the program. She pretty much took out the list of words that she was given and told not to say and rattled it off verbatim and included info on what part of asshole would be bleeped out by the censors and such. It is too bad, that it didn't make the cut, but with the edit it probably would have just been a string of beeps and not as funny as it was live. Sorry.
Make it work time. Tim Gunn's back giving the designers some advice. I miss Project Runway. And I'm really glad to see something that I didn't already sit through. Chris March horrifies Tim Gunn with the human hair. Tim says it is Cousin It. Could he be any cuter?
Molly Sims gives away the "A-List Actor Male" trophy. Oh, oh. I'm so excited. This is the best acceptance speech! It is pre-taped because Mad Men dreamboat Jon Hamm couldn't be there in person because he's probably hard at work smoking and drinking or something. Jon's so proud to win a Gay List Award and shows off his partner/co-star John Slattery. They then realize that it is A-List. Whoops. Slattery says to "just be grateful that America gave you a little ..." and then a smiling Hamm happily finishes that sentence with "head." Seriously. I want to hang out with these guys and be sexually harassed about not showing off my legs and ankles. I know it is wrong, but they are amazing. If you haven't seen this show... why are you reading this. Go download it off iTunes immediately. This Extra ain't going anywhere. You can read it when you are done.
Tom Colicchio and Jerry Springer (Tom and Jerry, ha!) strut out on stage. The audience was seriously shouting "Jerry" forever. Springer talks about food. Now I'm hungry. They give the "Chef Award" to Jose Andres. He talks about his wife and starving people, then takes his head and walks off stage.
Kathy teeters out in a hot pink gown and stages a quickfire challenge between Tom and Jose. She calls Tom out for never cooking anything on all four seasons of Top Chef. Jose finds this hysterical. So do I. Former contestants are brought out to judge. "Payback is going to be a lady named bitch!" says Kathy. During "commercial" we at the event got to see them try and prep food, that was all cut out. Mostly Tom and Jose taunted each other and tried to do a little sabotage. The judges table music starts as Kathy brings over the food to the cheftestants and then she trips and spills the food and breaks the plates. Clearly staged, but amusing, especially when she starts eating food off the floor.
From her crouched over position, Kathy introduces Padma and brutalizes her last name. Padma thinks Tom got off easy. Agreed. The hostess is giving out the John Frieda Beauty Icon Award to Lauren Hutton. There's a long clip about the gap in her tooth and how she never changed it even though she was told to like a million different times. I fast forward through this because I'm dying to see if they were able to make Hutton's acceptance speech into anything remotely intelligible, or if they left it as is and she looks like a raving lunatic.
And the winner is: raving lunatic! Yay! But they did cut it. I can't remember her exact words, but I feel like there were more politics involved somewhere. Still, we get to see her stroking the big head, joking about being "80" and nearly falling over. So that's something. Padma pretty much carries her off to the wings.
Margaret Cho does her Runway stomp to the stage. She claims it is her favorite show because "it is just fags and fag hags fighting and that's all I want to see." Brilliant. But Christian doesn't look amused and he fixes his hair. Margaret does a dead on Heidi Klum impression. Tron Guy loves it. Then talks inappropriately (of course) about how Michael Kors affects her sexually and she calls him a bitchy tangerine. I'm actually shocked that this made it past the censors. Glad, but surprised. She's giving away the "Funny Award." Simple enough. Rainn Wilson beats Sarah Silverman. Bummer. He couldn't make it because he's on a beach getting a tan.
They introduce presenters Dina and Ali Lohan. Turns out that the fame whores were too busy to show up, so Kathy pretty much rips them a new one. She's jealous of Dina Lohan because she didn't have a momager like Dina and she wishes she had a hip hop CD. If Ali can, why can't Kathy. So Kathy has her new hip hop duet with Lance Bass. Did I mention she's got on a hot little black outfit with a green jacket. She strips off the jacket and then Lance pulls a Justin and rips her tank top exposing her boobs (I imagine Billy Eichner is excited to see this). She blames him, saying it was his idea. To retaliate, she strips off his pants and exposes little Lance to the world. Of course this is all blurred... count your blessings.
Rocco Dispirito is forced to give away the "A-List Restaurant Award." He's not happy that he didn't make the list. Rocco, don't fret, you are pretty and a cheflebrity and that goes a long way. I might actually be able to afford to eat at your restaurants while I'd have to chop off a limb to afford these others. Daniel Boulud (who I only know from Top Chef) wins. Thanks people. Then he's done.
Up is Caroline Rhea. I first thought she had gotten really fat since she'd stopped hosting The Biggest Loser. Turns out she's pregnant. Oops! She's fine and her extra hormones are really delighted to be giving away the "Rear of the Year Award." This is officially my favorite category. I don't know what the plans are for years award show, but they need to bring this one back. Caroline informs the winner that she's supposed to make out with him. Gilles Marini, who has a big role in the Sex and the City movie makes Caroline happy by giving her a big lipsmack. He gives a very gracious acceptance speech and seems to be overwhelmed by the experience. So sweetly oblivious. Love it.
Kathy comes out and does her "In Memoriam" tribute to the people who are now dead to her. On the list are her usual suspects: Ryan Seacrest, Dr. Phil, Mrs. Phil, Scientology, George W. Bush. I feel like there were more, or she talked more or something, but I really lacked the foresight to take notes on this while I was there. Guess I know for time.
Tyson Beckford presents with Rachel Dratch. I think she makes a Real Housewives reference, since they flash to the Housewives during her speech. Rachel talks about how they often make love, and talk about the best TV shows. Tyson is not called upon to do much more than just stand there and look gorgeous. He's very good at that. Way to play to your strengths. 30 Rock wins, which I kind of figured out pretty early since I saw Kenneth the Page, blonde receptionist and Judah sitting in the audience the whole time. No Tina or Alec or Tracy or even Jane though. Blurgh.
Tim Gunn is back. Again. I swear he should get a co-hosting credit because he's already had more screen time than Kathy. He kicking off the fashion show, after the last minute prep work and dressing is shown.
Rachel Zoe comes out with Gunn to introduce the awards show. They talk about UNICEF. Niki Taylor looks fuzzy in Laura Bennett's dress. For a former model she seems a little wobbly on stage. Kat Von D rocks Sweet P's tartan inspired rock number. But I'm biased. I am a big Kat fan. Some day when I get over my fear of needles, and pain, I'll get a tattoo from her. Ms. Sex and the City does her best Carrie Bradshaw. Michael Knight puts Karina in this slink little white dress and she looks amazing. Eat your heart out, Mario. Nikki Blonsky gives a little wink in her Malan original. Holly (who stood and handed out awards most of the night) has been glammed up and is looking like a golden girl in her Chris March gown which shows off her enviable abs. Rebecca Budig looks lovely, I think. It 's a little plain, but nice. Kathy model stomps in her lavender dress and slaps the hands of the Top Chef/Runway guys sitting in the front row as she passes. You sure don't see that at Fashion Week. The designers come out with their models and Michael Knight is wearing shorts. I'm not sure what to do with that information. He kind of makes it work. Then Kathy thanks everyone for coming and we're out. I wish all awards shows were only 90 minutes. My life would be so much better. Instead, I'm dreading however long the Tony Awards are this weekend. There's an awards show that could use some editing help from the Magical Elves.