Blast From The Past

S01E23

I am going to watch that Survivor show, and I am going to hate myself for it.

At DCF, Mr. "I'm Not Joey's Dad" Potter tells Maxine that he's pleased Celeste's case has gone so swimmingly, thus far. He looks forward to meeting her. Maxine is winding her way back to her desk, when Charles "Son of Crenna" Duff swings into the office. Accepting a cup of coffee from Maxine, he tells her that because he isn't going to get the chance to actually get to know her, he decided "to do a little research." Maxine looks somewhat confused, as Charles spits back every financial detail of her life, including the stock-market débacle. Her face goes from pleasantly confused, to offended, to furious, and she tells Charles that he had better get on his way. Charles drawls that all the money his father made, he made for his family. Maxine, quite calmly, tells Charles that she isn't after Crenna's money. Charles says that he's sympathetic to Maxine's plight, and that perhaps they can come to an agreement. Maxine, who is angry in that quiet angry way, which is generally much more serious than the loud angry way, tells Charles to get out of her office. Charles, all patronizingly, asks that she think about what he's said. "You're the one who better think about it," Maxine says. Go Maxine! Charles smiles and walks out. Maxine looks shell-shocked. I know I've already been uncharacteristically nice to Tyne Daly in this recap, but she did a really bang-up job with that scene.

At the Rancherito, Vincent is making a bookshelf out of boards and cinder blocks, in the time-honored way of poverty-stricken readers everywhere. Donna halting stumbles out of the bathroom and asks if they can talk. She announces that she is pregnant. Vincent, shocked, knocks down the entire top shelf. Donna waves all five of the pregnancy tests she took in his face. Vincent stands stock still, appearing utterly stunned, while Donna wonders what she's going to do. He slowly puts down his cinder block, and, coming to his senses, tells her that this is "a good thing," pointing out that she's married, and loves children. Donna, putting on her dramatic cap again, flings herself against the window, and gasps that Oscar is not the father. Vincent, who's clearly the guy I want with me in an emergency -- okay, the guy I want, period -- handles this very calmly, and wonders who, then, the father is. Donna turns from the window and raises a finger, half-heartedly, to the sky. Vincent interprets this as "Jerry, upstairs?" who Vincent thought was, you know, gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Donna shakes her head and points really upstairs. I can not recreate on paper the amusing way in which Vincent said the word "God?" so just use your imagination. He sort of laughs and starts to tell Donna that it...couldn't....possibly...be....Donna flings herself on the sofa and wraps a blue afghan around her head, à la the Virgin Mary herself, and confesses to Vincent that she is still a virgin, because her one night with Oscar was "unsuccessful." Vincent kneels to Donna and asks if she's sure. Donna wrinkles her nose and confesses that "he....couldn't...it....wouldn't..." She makes a furtive little "rising" motion with her hands and Vincent looks away and says that he gets the gist. He rubs his eyes and asks how far they got "before." Donna says they did everything "you're supposed to do," but before they "got to the final thing, he...couldn't." She makes this little shrinking motion with her hands. Vincent asks if, before, "did he...was he...?" Donna asks if he's "talking about penetration." Vincent says that he's afraid he is. She explains that they got that far, but "it was kinda downhill from there, if you know what [she] mean[s]." Vincent leans in and explains that you can get pregnant from pre-ejaculatory fluid, a phrase I never thought I would use in a recap of Judging Amy. Donna didn't know this, because she went "to religious school." Hee. The phone rings, and as Vincent talks, Donna grasps the fact that she is not carrying the son of God, but that she is, in fact, going to have regular, run-of-the-mill baby. She looks both shocked, and pleased. Vincent gets off the phone and says that while he needs to go on assignment, they can talk when he gets back. That scene was very amusing, in a way that I don't think quite translates to paper.