Amy's in the shower, enjoying the water as it hits her right in the face, the way that people on TV do. Over the sound of the water, Lauren calls for her mother. She whines that she can't find her leotard. Amy rips open the shower curtain to run down a laundry list of where said leotard could be. She's, like, flashing the kid. Whatever happened to just sticking your head out? Instead of turning to stone at the sight of her mother's naked body, or curiously checking out the differences between a girl and woman's physiognomy, or even merely looking surprised by the fact that her mother is buck naked, Lauren blithely wonders if they can have pizza for dinner. ["That would be me. I saw my mom nude all the damn time, and it's at moments like these I'm glad she doesn't read this site, so that I can tell perfect strangers things exactly like that!" -- Wing Chun] Amy crabbily exposits that Lauren is having dinner with her father and that she, Amy, the naked person, has a date. Lauren is summarily packed off to brush her teeth, Amy sticks her face back under the spray, and Maxine hammers on the door. Amy, frustrated, turns off the water, springs soaking wet and utterly nude out of the shower and starts hollering that she can't even get any peace in the bathroom. Again, with the totally naked in front of the family members. Maybe I'm a prude, or something, but dude, grab a towel. Amy finally does, as Maxine tells her sheepishly that the workmen have arrived to fix the roof. All three generations of Gray women turn to the window, where some horndog roofer has gotten an eyeful of Amy's goodies. Cue wocka wocka wocka synthesizertasic Wacky Hi-Jinks Muzak. The roofer waves. Amy waves back. "How ya doing?" she asks. Well, his morning got off to a great start!
One of these days, I'm going to write lyrics to this theme song. I just need to find something to rhyme with "self-absorbed." Maybe "totally bored."
Halls of Justice. The case before Amy revolves around a young lady who has violated her probation and skipped school. The feisty Ms. Torres has written a letter, detailing the reasons she ought to be let out of detention, and, against the better judgment of her lawyer, reads it to the court. Allow me to present the highlights: "Detention is for criminals, and I ain't no criminal." Except in the court of grammar. "I had a fight at school. My teacher called me a stupid, lazy ass cow. You woulda kicked her too." Amy and Bruce attempt to conceal their laughter. The rest of the letter is basically blah blah blah, I swear I'll go to schoolcakes. That Ms. Torres is one feisty tamale! You know those Latin temperaments! Feisty, I tell you, feisty! And original! And so not stereotypical! Amy tells Feisty Ms. Torres that she is a "bright, clearly articulate young woman," who is in danger of "throwing her life away." She fishes a book out of her desk and orders, as a condition of FMT's detention, that FMT write a book report on Eleanor Roosevelt. Non sequitur, much? Yeah, I thought so too. FMT wonders why anyone would care about "an old dead lady." Amy counters that one day, FMT will also be an "old dead lady," and hopes that Eleanor will inspire FTM not to waste her life. She literally throws the book at her. Ha! See what I did there?
Bruce wonders, with the rest of North America, why Amy had a book about Eleanor Roosevelt in her desk. Amy doesn't answer him, but merely congratulates herself on being so "smooth." She tells Bruce that she has "a good feeling about that kid. She's feisty." See! Am I in tune with this show, or what? Bruce and Amy, turning the corner on their way to chambers, run into the High Priestess of Wacky Hi-Jinks herself, Donna, wrangling with the snack machine. She's got these cast-like things on her hands, which she explains are part of her treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome. Donna informs Amy that she shouldn't even be working, but, you know, she can't leave her idol in the lurch. Amy advises Donna to go home, because they'll be fine without her. Donna's sweet, President of the Amy Gray Fan Club face falls. Bruce elbows Amy, who backpedals and corrects herself, telling Donna that they'll "struggle through." Donna toddles off home to Vincent. Amy and Bruce share a "what the hell was that?" look.
Back at the Ranch, Lauren helps Amy dress for her date. Maxine asks that Amy help her move "that highboy" in the hallway before the carpet men get there, but Amy doesn't want to move heavy furniture in her fancy ensemble. Wow, roof guys, carpet men, Amy must finally be paying enough rent that Maxine can afford a total overhaul of the ranch. The doorbell ding dongs and Lauren runs off to let her father in the house. Amy eyes her outfit and tries to put on her game face.
Downstairs, Maxine sings Lauren's praises to Michael, her father. Lauren tells Michael that later, she plans to read to him from "Ramona the Pest. It's so funny!" This is the only thing that Lauren has ever said that I can get behind, 100%. Ramona the Pest does, indeed, kick all kinds of ass. Amy makes a grand entrance, descending the stairs like Norma Desmond. Lauren invites Amy to come along, but then takes it upon herself to tell her father that Amy has a date. There's some yammering about an art folder, but it's all plot contrivance to get Michael and Amy alone. They wonder why the divorce is taking so long, and banter lightly about expensive lawyers and red tape.
Oh, dear sweet Jesus. Amy and her date are arguing about Portnoy's Complaint. How the hell did they get on that subject? Amy says that Roth's portrayal of women is cartoonish. The date, who, I guess is an English professor at Yale, doesn't respond the way that anyone who's read the book would respond, which would be by telling Amy that the cartoonishness is, in fact, the entire point, and that Portnoy's opinion of women is reflection on the character's mores, not the author's, and that, in fact, it is dangerous indeed to assume that the voice of a first-person narrative is equivalent to the voice of the author. Instead, he just says that Roth is presenting an honest portrait of the way that men actually view women. Clearly, he's a very bad teacher, because I don't think he's read the book. Amy asks, disgusted, if all men view women "as castrating?" The date looks uncomfortable and says, "Yes." They both smile warily and the date excuses himself "for a moment." Amy digs into the bread. He appears to be gone for quite awhile, since she manages to devour the entire basket. Maybe Mr. Portnoy climbed out the bathroom window. Nope, he finally returns and tells Amy that he isn't hungry anymore and that sitting there with her made him want to call his ex-wife. He throws down his plastic and tells the waiter that he'll "take [his] to go." Whoops. Maybe they should have talked about the part in the book where Portnoy, ahem, pleasures himself with the family dinner, instead of the whole "woman as castrating" part. Just a suggestion.
Back at the Ranch, Maxine is fiddling with the highboy in the hall. She tries to move it herself, but ends up banging her head, hard, on the underside of the top drawer. That's gonna leave a mark.
The morning, Amy yells at her lawyer over the phone about the fact that the divorce is taking so long. After verbally bitch-slapping the woman, she hangs up and turns solicitously to inquire after Maxine's health. Maxine claims to be fine, but Amy, feeling her mother's scalp, worries that Maxine ought to go to the doctor. You know, Amy, all of this is due to your vanity. You should have helped your old mother, who is allowing you to live at her home almost rent free, to move the damn furniture. Maxine tells Amy she didn't want to wait for Amy to help her, because she is used to being able to do things herself. Amy mournfully informs Lauren's lunch that Maxine could have been killed. Maxine changes the subject and comments that Michael looked well. Amy bitches that he has no reason not to look well, because he's found "the perfect woman," whilst she is stuck dating cretins. Maxine looks concerned and starts "Amy, you need" -- but Amy knows where this is going. "To have sex! I know, I'm working on it!" she whines. Maxine looks taken aback, and tells her daughter that, actually, she just needs to go to the market. They laugh.
Vincent enters the Rancherito, looking like death warmed over. Donna exposits that "the night shift's a killer," and tells Vincent that Amy's ordered her to stay home until her hands improve. She gets all excited, thinking about all the fun they can have while they're both at home during the day. Vincent moans that he just wants to sleep. He conks out right there on the sofa.
Maxine picks up a small boy at the airport. He stowed away on a plane from Cincinnati. The police who hand him off to Maxine tell her that they plan to charge him with stealing the equivalent of a $700 ticket. She tells them to sod off. I elect myself president of the No One Cares About This Story Line Club.
Vincent sleeps, face down, on his sofa. One side of his face is all squished up. I predict he will have little sofa-wrinkles in his cheek when he wakes up. Donna whispers his name, and pokes him. He wakes up with a start; he's got an urgent phone call from Peter, in Florida. Vincent looks so sweet and confused and half-asleep. He answers the phone.
Peter is, oh God, no, in a gray wife-beater tank and flowered -- are they? Sweet Jesus, I think he's wearing Jams. This must be Florida. Gillian, in the background, furiously packs their bags. Peter barks that Evie is in labor. Vincent is bemusedly congratulatory. Peter tells Vincent that they're hopping on the flight to Connecticut, but that he has to go pick up Evie and take her to the hospital. Vincent, still sleepy, reasons that maybe Peter ought to have Maxine do it. Or an ambulance. Peter snaps that Evie doesn't like Maxine, and that she's expecting Vincent. Gillian grabs the phone from her husband and demands "Vincent! Go! Now!" Vincent hangs up the phone and wearily tells Donna that he's "just found something [they] can do together today." She's so there.
In Amy's chambers -- a picture of quiet domesticity -- Bruce is doing the crossword puzzle as Amy eats lunch. Michael arrives, to destroy the couple's happiness. Or to see Amy, whatever. Amy introduces the two men in her life, but Bruce wisely skedaddles as soon as the opportunity to do so politely presents itself. Michael tells Amy that their divorce has just been made final. She's stunned. "Wow"s are exchanged. They banter flirtatiously over the protocol in this instance and end gazing at one another rather amorously. He asks her to get a drink later. Amy tells him she needs to think about it. The mournful twanging of the Divorce Guitar commences.
Vincent and Donna find Evie's door open, and Evie, within, doing some kind of Lamaze-esque breathing, squatting on the floor, surrounded by lit candles. Vincent tells her that they're going to take her to the hospital. Evie announces that she's going to have the baby at home. Vincent looks like he'd prefer to shoot himself in the head rather than deal with his brother's intractable surrogate. He and Donna exchange incredulous looks before Vincent tells Evie the he doesn't think that's "such a good idea." Evie reasons that "Cindy Crawford had her baby at home, and so can I." Vincent gives Donna his "what the hell?" face and repeats that having the baby at home is not a good idea. He gets on the floor to Evie and explains that Ms Crawford "had lots of people around who knew something about childbirth." He informs Evie that he don't know nothing about birthin' babies. Not in those exact words. Donna pipes up that she, at least, has seen babies born on the Discovery channel. Vincent tells her that she's not helping. Evie gasps that if they can't take it, they ought to leave. She says she doesn't want to go to the hospital and get hooked up to stuff and have people staring at her and telling her what to do. Vincent and Donna just look at her. Donna asks if she ought to boil some water. Vincent gives her a dirty look. I think he suspects that this is all some crazy dream.
Just so you know, if the recap gets a little wild after this point, it's because I just poured myself a glass of wine. A big glass. More like a mug.
Vincent's gripping his head with both hands, as Donna takes Evie through her breathing. She tells Vincent that she thinks they can "do this." As she starts her spiel about women "having babies in bushes since the dawn of time," Vincent frantically shakes his (sadly, greasy -- one step forward, two steps back, people) head. Evie moans. Vincent asks if Donna is out of her mind and snaps that people have babies at the hospital for a reason -- because there are people there who "know what the hell they are doing." He informs Donna that women "still die in childbirth." Donna claps her hands over Evie's ears. Vincent gets down on his knees and tells Evie that if she dies, "Peter and Gillian are going to kill [him]." Donna finally convinces Evie to go to the hospital by telling her that they have "drugs at the hospital. Gooooooooood drugs. Drugs that can make the pain go away." Nicely, Donna doesn't tell Evie that she's probably too late to get the epidural. Evie moans that she just wants someone to "make it stop." Vincent gives Donna the thumbs up and they help Evie return to the upright position.
At DCF, things happen with the stowaway's mother. Basically, this plot line serves no purpose other than to show us that Maxine is having problems remembering things. So, there you go. All caught up on the Maxine Is Losing Her Mind subplot.
At the Halls of Justice, FMT reads her book report on Eleanor Roosevelt. It includes the gem "Eleanor Roosevelt was really smart. And it was a good thing, too, because she was way ugly." You know the writers thought this was hysterical. I bet they laughed and laughed over it, while they all sat around their conference table and congratulated themselves for crafting CBS's number one drama, and then sent the poor kid who's slaving as their assistant out to get them all ice-blendeds. FMT continues to read what is so not the five-page paper Amy asked her to write. Maybe she used a really big font. No matter, though. Amy praises the hot little tamale and tells her that she can go home with her father. FMT, however, will have none of it. She wants to live with her boyfriend! Amy rolls her eyes and says that she "can't place a fifteen-year-old in the custody of her boyfriend." If FMT is fifteen, I'm in diapers. Suspension of disbelief, I know, but come on, people. They argue. Amy quotes Eleanor Roosevelt again. FMT says, "screw Eleanor Roosevelt." Yadda yadda yadda, Amy's decision stands. Kids today! My word!
Evie's all hooked up at the hospital. Donna's feeding her ice chips. Vincent puts socks on her "freezing" feet. He's such a nice boy. Gillian and Peter come bursting through the door, and yammer about how they thought they were going to miss it, and how good Evie looks and so forth. Vincent smiles his sleepy, half-smile and says that Evie's been a real trooper. Vincent is the nicest man in the world. I raise my wine mug to him. Evie doesn't say anything. Vincent tells her that she's in good hands, and that he's going to go home and get some sleep. Evie grabs him and says that Peter and Gillian are making her nervous and that he can't leave her. She can't have them in there with her. It doesn't have anything to do with the baby, but she just can't handle it. Vincent and Donna exchange concerned looks. I have to say, Gillian and Peter would make me nervous, too. Mostly because I hate Peter.
Out in the hallway, Peter gets all bitchy and can't believe that Evie won't let them in the room. They had it in writing! Gillian, who I wish would leave Peter's uptight and whiny ass, tells him to chill, seeing as it's "her baby, until she gives him to us." She pushes him towards the cafeteria. Vincent sighs. I bet Gillian wishes she'd married him. Who in their right mind would marry Peter, anyway? Peter sucks.
Amy and Michael are having a drink to "celebrate" their divorce. Naturally, because it's against the law for one episode of Judging Amy to conclude without someone drinking something alcoholic. Occasionally, that someone is me. They agree that their marriage "wasn't all bad," and that they were "good together. Until [they] weren't." In an amazing coincidence, the song that was the first dance at their wedding comes on over the bar sound system. Michael asks that they make it their last dance. They work it, cheek to cheek, right there in the bar. I don't know if this is supposed to be touching, or what, but the song really, really blows. I, personally, want the first dance at my wedding to be to "Dude Looks Like a Lady." Because, come on, that's comedy gold. Also, this schmaltzy stuff makes me want to ralph. Although that could also be this plain-label Merlot. Michael and Amy look at each other lustfully.
Maxine reads to Lauren at home. Lauren asks about the baby, and Maxine assures her that they will be informed when the baby is born. In the midst of a sentence, Maxine does not recognize the word "geese." The Ominous Guitar of Losing One's Mind commences. Maxine finishes the chapter and sends Lauren to bed. She seems perturbed and reexamines the book. She takes off her glasses, looking a little frightened.
Oh, good God. Amy and Michael go at it, like newlyweds rather than, um, newlydivorcees. The theme of this episode seems to be "naked," because we see Amy in her bra and Michael without his shirt. They fall on to his hotel bed, making out like it's the end of the world. Amy grabs her ex-husband's butt. That's rather unseemly, don't you think?
At the hospital, Evie's about ready to spring the kid; the doctor's there, her feet are in the stirrups, Vincent and Donna are arrayed in the hospital gowns, people are yelling "push!" Vincent asks if he ought to get Peter and Gillian. Evie says no. Vincent looks scared. The doctor asks Vincent and Donna to grab Evie's legs to help her "get her hips flexed." Vincent looks even more scared and, also, a little grossed out. Donna bravely rips off her carpal tunnel cast things and grabs a leg. She barks at Vincent to do the same, which he does, reluctantly. He looks like he's either about to vomit or faint. Donna counts, Evie pushes, and Vincent, trying as hard as he can not to look down there tells Evie that she's doing great. The jangly theme song tinkles momentously in the background. Evie strains, Vincent sneaks a peek, and Donna tells the almost mother that she is "strong! [She is] invincible [She is] woman!" All three of them yell in shock and amazement as the baby makes his grand entrance into the world. Outside, leaning against the door, Peter and Gillian listen to the screaming, and then, the tiny wail. Gillian clasps her hand over her mouth. They embrace. That was kinda nice.
Meanwhile, across town, Amy awakens in the arms of her Ex. She freaks when she realizes that it's almost 6 AM. Michael says that he "thinks [they] need to talk." Amy says they don't. He says, "last night was momentous." Amy rolls her eyes and calls it "a mistake." Michael wonders if they shouldn't have gotten divorced. Amy brings him back to earth by telling him that they made the right decision and -- not thinking of herself for once -- reminds him that they didn't put Lauren through a divorce for nothing. She gently tells him that all they did was "say goodbye." If that's what the kids are calling it these days.
Vincent emerges from Evie's room, exhausted, and asks Peter and Gillian if they'd like to see the baby. They follow him into the room, and find Donna asleep in her chair, and Evie holding the cutest and oldest newborn I've seen in a while. The child's thisclose to walking, people. He's also, er, not totally white. Gillian and Peter look a tad taken aback. Vincent tells the assembled group that "Evie was a star." Evie smiles. She's giving the baby a bottle. Gillian comments that the baby is "so beautiful." Evie thanks her and comments that she "has a better idea who the father is now." Gillian looks utterly in love with the child. Peter looks, as par for the course, furious that his child is not all white. Vincent looks away.
In the waiting room, Maxine assures Peter and Gillian that it's normal for Evie to want to spend a little time with her baby before handing him over forever. Gillian is still concerned, mostly because Evie swore she didn't want to have anything to do with the baby before he was born, and now she seems a bit more interested. Peter asks angrily if they had "any idea that they baby was going to be that color?" Gillian wonders what difference it makes. Peter snaps that they ought to at least "consider it." Maxine can't stand not knowing exactly what is going on, and asks exactly "what color" the baby is. Peter spits that "the baby is black!" Could he be any more of a jerk about this? Because I don't think so. Gillian corrects him, telling Maxine that "the baby is biracial." Peter freaks and tells Gillian that they don't know anything about raising a biracial child, because they "come from the land of baloney and white bread." As a white person, I take umbrage with that. I eat wheat. Gillian can't believe that Peter honestly has a problem with the color of their child's skin. Maxine butts in to tell Gillian that the "child's ethnic makeup is important," but Gillian yells at her to "shut up!" This wakes Vincent from his nap on the sofa, and causes blood to rain from the skies. Gillian continues, telling Maxine that "no one asked [her]." Maxine passive-aggressively agrees that no one did ask her, but tells Gillian that it's naïve of her to "ignore her baby's racial heritage." Gillian points out what none of them has understood, which is that, at this moment, she doesn't have a baby, and she may never, the way Evie is acting, and she just can't sit through one of Maxine's lectures. Everyone looks stunned as Gillian tries not to cry. Amy, the patron saint of bad timing, flies into the waiting room at this point and sunnily asks what she missed. Can I take a sidebar and ask where Lauren is right now? At home, burning the house down? Down in the ICU infecting heart transplant patients with her little-girl germs? With Michael? Where? Everyone ignores Amy as Gillian continues, saying that she knows Maxine has never liked her. She explains that she just isn't like the Grays. She doesn't "have emotional outbursts every five minutes" and she "doesn't happen to enjoy arguing with my family members all the time." Amy and Vincent share a surprised glance. Gillian goes for the big finish by shouting that she is "a good person, who deserves respect!" Maxine informs Gillian that "[she] is [Maxine's] daughter-in-law and [Maxine] loves her," although she doesn't always like her. Maxine starts to say something about the baby, but loses her train of thought again. Everyone looks concerned, except Vincent, who looks sleepy and bored with his unending family drama. Maxine haltingly tells Amy that she thinks there's something wrong with her. Good thing they're at the hospital!
In an exam room, Maxine is all tricked out in a hospital gown, and Vincent lolls on a chair. Amy paces. A doctor bustles in the room and explains that all of Maxine's symptoms -- the forgetfulness and so forth -- stem from her head trauma. She has, in layman's terms, a concussion. And she's going to be fine. Everyone looks relieved, especially Maxine. She bursts into loud, sobby tears, and explains that she thought it was Alzheimer's, which she quantifies as "such an undignified end." She admits that she was afraid. She sobs onto Amy's shoulder that she knows how "valueless weak old women are in this society." Amy tells Maxine that nothing like that is going to happen to her, although I don't know how Amy can know what surprises the future holds for Maxine's health. Vincent cracks that if it did, they'd just make Peter and Gillian take care of her. They all laugh, mostly with relief, and embrace. Tyne Daly was really very good in that scene, as much as it pains me to admit it.
Donna holds the baby in Evie's room, as Evie, who seems to have gotten her pre-pregnancy figure back with alarming speed, pats the child's head. I can't believe she's already out of bed, and dressed. I'm pretty sure you sleep for as long as you can after giving birth, and judging from everyone's outfits, this is the same day. Vincent lopes in and asks Evie what she's going to do, about the baby. Evie says, "it's hard," and takes the baby from Donna. She starts to cry, and says that she "can't believe [she] grew" such a beautiful baby. She knows it wouldn't be fair to keep the baby, but she doesn't know how to say goodbye. Right after this statement, however, she hands the baby to Vincent, says she has to go, and bails.
Peter and Gillian enter that room that the hospital keeps all the babies in (this is the second episode in which that room has played a part and I still don't know if it has a real name), and meet their son. Peter doesn't seem to care as much about the color of his baby's skin now that he has him in his arms. Gillian cries a little bit, with happiness. Peter looks down at her, a little choked up himself. I get a little weepy too, but I blame the wine.
Back at the ranch, Amy bathes Lauren, and tells her that they've named the baby after his grandfather, Edward Matthew Gray. She promises Lauren that they can go see the baby before school the day. Amy hauls Lauren out of her bath, and wraps a towel around her and dries her off. Amy tells Lauren that the divorce is final, but Lauren doesn't really get it, because she was under the impression that it was final a long time ago. Amy explains that now it's just officially official. Lauren, totally blasé, asks if she can watch TV before bed. As she runs off, Simon and Garfunkel's "Bookends" tinkles over the soundtrack. I believe it's the law that every family drama employ that song once a year, at the least. ["ER's already busted it out like three times this season." -- Wing Chun] Amy looks pensively at the bath water. Simon and Garfunkel tell her to "preserve [her] memories/they're all that's left [her]."
week: Season Finale time! Amy and Bruce are accused of having an affair! Maxine wants to introduce Richard Crenna to the family! Donna is pregnant! Oscar is not the father!