OK, so my VCR decided to freak out and eat the first few minutes of this week's episode. So, please forgive the brevity of this opening paragraph. Our intrepid heroine's bestest friend at work, Greta (guest star Amy Aquino), returns to her judicial post after a battle with cancer. She looks mahvelous, darlings, and credits her health and well being to The Lord. Amy is dumbfounded by this revelation. Which makes sense because people rarely find religion in times of personal crisis.
My VCR kicks in. The credits roll. The episode is a mere three minutes old, and Amy's already set a new world record for Brattiness in the Face of the Personal Triumph of Others.
Amy, still dumbfounded, follows Greta into the courthouse. Greta is telling Amy about this man she met online, but Amy feels the need to interrupt and ask incredulously if Greta actually thinks that "God cured [her] cancer." Greta patiently tells Amy that she knows it was modern medicine that cured her cancer, but that "God may have helped." She explains that she met a Rabbi at the hospital who turned her on to the idea of God by answering her questions in ways she had never heard before. Amy wrinkles her nose and asks Greta if she's planning on converting. Greta tells Amy that she might, but all she knows is that this rabbi "makes it make sense." Amy, who is clearly utterly incapable of taking a serious conversation seriously, asks if the Rabbi is a hottie. Greta, who has remained completely calm and bemused by Amy's entire line of insensitive questioning, tells her that the Rabbi is an old man, and asks why Amy is having such a hard time believing that she's had a religious experience. Amy explains that is because they've always been cynics together. Greta points out that a life threatening illness can kind of nip cynicism in the bud, and asks if Amy thinks she's "crazy." Instead of hugging her alleged best friend and telling her that she's just happy to see her alive, well and happy, like a normal person would, Amy wrinkles her nose again and shakes her head and very unconvincingly tells Greta she's happy for her. Saintly Greta tells Amy that she's finally convinced that there is a purpose and a meaning to life, and that she is a part of it. She tells Amy that "no matter what happens, [she] is going to be OK" (Greta, not Amy, is going to be OK. Amy is going to hell). Amy presses her lips together in a grim approximation of a smile. Greta repeats that she is going to be OK. An anvil falls on my foot.
Our blipverts this week are of a child in church. That's innovative.
At DCF, Maxine gives a little speech to the troops, about how pleased she is to be taking over the reins, and how she's sure they're equally stoked. They all look the opposite of that. Maxine starts handing out assignments and gives one folder she "no longer has time for" to Kimberly, a bratty looking blonde. Maxine delivers a big ole expository speech regarding the contents of the folder: Mrs. and Mr. McElroy are not pleased with the way the Former Mrs. McElroy is raising the Boys McElroy. Stepmother thinks The Boys, who live with their mother, are "generally neglected." Kimberly whines about having to investigate "petty marital disputes." Maxine fires her on the spot. Well, she looks as though she's considering it, anyway. Actually, she just tells her to suck it up and do it.
Halls of Justice. Thank the sweet Lord (in whom Amy does not believe), there is no custody battle on the docket this week. Instead, it's the case of Victor and Alan, two high school boys who are charged with conspiracy to commit sexual assault, and possession of illegal substances -- roofies, AKA the date rape drug. That's charming. Alan and Victor, naturally, are straight out the Central Casting file for "Rapist: Wealthy Good Old Boy -- the Early Years." You know the type; basically good looking, but not too good-looking, Abercrombie-wearing, frat-joining, high school sports playing (but not college, because this kind peaked athletically in high school and is generally real bitter about it eventually) responsibility-shrugging, spoiled brats. One of them is a redhead. I hate them already, perhaps because that's exactly the kind of guy I tend to find attractive for some aggravating reason, in real life. Except without the roofies part. Thank God. Anyhoo, Amy needs to decide if the boys ought to be transferred to "adult court, where the maximum sentence is twenty years." At this, one of the boy's mothers (I assume it's Red's, because she, too, is a redhead) bursts out that "murderers don't even get twenty years!" Amy tells her to shut up. Hey, she's not Red's mother, she's "Mimi Higgins, Alan's mother." You know she's a Delusion Society Type because the writers named her Mimi. Apparently, Red and Alan were arrested at a party, after a girl heard Red bragging about his brilliant scheme to slip the roofies in some poor girl's soda. The police found three roofies in Red's jeans, and two in Alan's shirt. The state wants bail denied, and the brats sent to the criminal docket. The brats' counsel makes the usual "boys will be boys" argument, which I find particularly galling considering the fact that she is a woman. She concedes to possession, but claims the boys never intended to rape anyone. State's counsel speaks for me and tells Amy that there is no reason to have roofies, otherwise. Blah, blah, blah, Amy sends the boys back to detention - over the "these are good boys!" protests of Mrs. Mimi - and says they'll take up the issue again the morning. When I was a student at UCLA, there was this big roofies ordeal, wherein a sorority girl accused two frat guys of drugging her drink and raping her on a Greek-sponsored trip to Mexico. It was a horrible scandal, and eventually, if I recall correctly, while the frat was "deactivated" as a whole by the university, and lost all funding, many of the victim's sorority sisters turned against her for speaking out. So maybe I'm biased, but I already really, really dislike Alan and Red.
Vincent is at some bar -- naturally -- drinking a cold one and typing on his laptop. Hey, I'm drinking a cold one and typing on my laptop! It's fate! The Girlfriend sidles slyly up to him. Vincent greets her less than enthusiastically. The Girlfriend explains that she went to his office, but they told her he was at the bar. Vincent smiles wanly. They banter awkwardly about how reporter-y he looks, and then The Girlfriend smiles and says that Vincent hasn't called. Vincent looks down at his keyboard and says that they "needed a break," that "he needed a break." The Girlfriend asks if he was planning on telling her about this "break." Vincent tells The Girlfriend that she "made him nervous," because, you know, since someone plugged him, he's been "nervous around guns." The Girlfriend gets her stony face on and tells Vincent that she got rid of the gun. Vincent is pleased. The Girlfriend tells Vincent that she thought he'd like to know that The Creep's trial was set to begin the day. Vincent asks if she'd like him to come with her. She sort of sneers, sort of sighs, and tells him to do "what [he] thinks is right." Having completed her Mission of Guilt, The Girlfriend trudges off. Vincent looks blissfully happy. Oh, wait, no, he doesn't. He looks, yes, pensive. Of course.
DCF. Late night. Maxine sits at her desk, surrounded by paper work. A throat clears. Maxine looks up. Standing over her, like the Angel of Death, is last week's Super Special Guest Star, Richard Crenna, back for more Hot Senior Action! Maxine has forgotten their dinner date, and is so bogged down with work that she can't just leave. "Frankly," she tells Richard, "I'd forgot you existed." She promises Richard that she'll go with him the evening, after she's mastered the art of delegating responsibility. Richard tells her that there is only one thing to remember, to be a good supervisor. Maxine guesses that the secret is "the number of a good psychiatrist." I guess that it is "half days on Friday." Richard makes some noise about not letting people leave their monkeys on your desk. I don't get it, really, but whatever. Anyhoo, Richard tells Maxine that he will cancel tomorrow night's board meeting to go out with her. He says that he'll tell the board "something more important came up." Insert your Viagra joke here.
Amy is in chambers, wearing the Gray Family Look of Pensiveness. Bruce is talking about some work-related stuff, but she's ignoring him. He asks if he ought to return "when [she's] in." Amy explains that her friend, Greta "has found God." Bruce grins (alert the press!) and says he "didn't know [God] was missing." Amy smiles. Bruce explains the very fundamental fact that Greta is not the first person with a life-threatening illness to find religion. Amy brats that Greta is "one of the most intelligent, rational people [she's] ever met," thus insulting all people with religious beliefs all over the world. Bruce calls her on it, saying that he '"loves being called ignorant and irrational." D'oh! Amy looks stunned that yet another person, in this day and age, believes in God. Bruce asks Amy where she thinks he's going every Wednesday night. Amy thinks it's night school. Bruce rolls his eyes and explains that night school is Tuesday and Thursday, and Mass is Wednesday. He explains, to Amy's great astonishment, that he's been Catholic all his life, went to parochial school, was an altar boy, the works. Amy can't believe it. Her teeth look really weird in this scene, by the way. She starts laughing nervously about the entire thing. Bruce laughs a bit at the altar boy part of the saga, himself. He turns the tables and asks Amy about her religious beliefs. She explains that the Grays are "Submarine Protestants" - they "surfaced at Christmas and Easter," but that they just basically stopped all together, one year. Bruce tells Amy that he was going to be a priest, "until he learned the definition of celibacy." He laughs. Amy laughs. Bruce has cracked a smile more in this one scene than he has in the entire season to date. His transformation from sullen, business-like, close-mouthed Bruce to laughing, joking, charming Bruce is sudden, and, yet, not unpleasant. Amy can't believe that Bruce buys "Mary and Baby Jesus and Saints and Angels." He assures her that he does, indeed, "buy it." She asks how. Dude, Amy, it's called faith, and you can't explain it in five minutes. Which is basically what Bruce says. He invites her to go to Mass with him sometime. Amy acts as though Bruce has asked her to go with him to the ritual disembowelment of a puppy, and refuses. Instead of telling Amy that maybe she ought to respect his freedom of religion and that maybe she might learn something, if not about God, at least about the sociological and cultural aspects of faith, which she might find interesting, Bruce just says that the offer stands if she changes her mind. He leaves. Amy looks completely shell-shocked. Call me crazy, but isn't this whole roofies case, at the core, far more disturbing than the idea that people you know go to church?
I can't help it. Every time I see Debra Messing in the ad for Jesus I laugh. As my Bible, Entertainment Weekly so astutely pointed out this week, her presence makes you wish you were watching Sean Hayes in Just Jesus!. Man, I wish that joke was mine. I guess that's why Ken Tucker writes for EW and I do not.
DCF; Bratty Blonde Employee Kimberly sashays her way over to Maxine and tells her that the McElroy case was "nothing, just like [she] thought." Exposition, exposition: Mom McElroy is trying to make partner at her law firm, Stepmother is "a flake" (Kimberly's word, not mine), a jewelry maker, a "wire-bender". Kimberly tells Maxine that she thinks the wire-bender is jealous of the lawyer's professional success. Maxine doesn't seem to buy it, probably because she's aware that no one who attempts to make a living as an artist is secretly harboring a desire to be a lawyer. Kimberly says tersely that everyone except the wire-bender is happy with the custody arrangements. Maxine gives Kimberly her OK to close the case. I wonder if this is going to rear its ugly head again?
The Girlfriend is on the stand at the Creep's trial, under cross-examination. The defense is trying to make it look as though she didn't really get a good look at The Creep. Vincent slides in the back. The Girlfriend isn't keeping her cool very well, changing her testimony, and going back and forth. She shakily asserts that she got a good look at the guy. The judge looks doubtful. The jury looks doubtful. The DA looks irritated. The Girlfriend tells the court that she'd also seen the Creep "in the produce section" of the market, and spins some tale about how he asked her where the onions were. The Creep shakes his head. The Girlfriend says that she didn't mention the onion encounter to the police because she didn't think "anyone was going to try to make it look like I didn't see him." She looks shifty. The DA looks pissed. The Defense looks pleased. I look at my watch. Vincent is appalled by The Girlfriend's willingness to perjure herself.
Halls of Justice. Red argues that they were just going to put the roofies in "some girl's drink," because they "just wanted to see what would happen." The State gives us all a little lesson in the effect roofies have on the human body; it's all bad stuff, including amnesia. The Defense calls the entire debacle, again, a "stupid prank." Mother Mimi gives the "good boys/good families" speech. Red seems to feel no remorse, but Alan looks embarrassed - perhaps because his mother is so irritating. Amy tells Mimi that she can't understand why such "good boys" had such bad drugs on their person. Alan gets defensive and whines that "they told [her]." Amy is not buying the "we wanted to see what would happen" defense. Red explains that it was "like a science project." A science project on an innocent human being. Classy, Red. Bruce wears his look of Great Disgust. Alan and Red seem sorry. Sorry that they got caught. Dude! They were just going to drug some random girl, for fun! What's your damage?
Vincent is leaning against the wall outside the criminal courts building. The Girlfriend emerges in all her Perjured Glory, and seems surprised to find him there. Vincent says that she never told him the story about seeing the Creep in the store, and wonders why she didn't tell that part to the police. The Girlfriend says "it didn't seem important." Vincent questions her a bit more about the store story, and the Girlfriend tells him to stop "grilling [her]." Vincent apologizes, twice. Oh, ditch her, already, Vince!
Richard Crenna picks Maxine up at DCF. They're chatting about the very, very expensive restaurant they're planning to try, when the wire-bending artiste, Mrs. McElroy the second, comes bursting in the door, asking what, exactly, she has to do to get some service around there! Blah, blah, blah, Maxine agrees to double-check Kimberly's work. Richard isn't going to get any tonight, either. He tells her that he "doesn't discourage easily." He creeps me out, I'm sorry.
Halls of Justice. Donna tells Amy that she's made an appointment for Amy to have coffee with Leesha, Amy's ex-husband's new girlfriend. Amy dubs Leesha "Trophy Wife Barbie." Amy informs Donna she can't have coffee with Leesha. Donna tells Amy she's already made the appointment, because Leesha sounded so upset. Amy is irritated with Donna. Bruce is amused. Donna tells Amy that Leesha was "genuinely distressed" about a recent run-in she had with Amy and that, apparently, Lauren was upset about it, too. Amy asks Donna if Leesha told Lauren (dude, it's like junior high school all over again) about the argument. Donna says that Leesha told Lauren they'd "had words, not that [Amy was] a bitch, or anything." Hee hee. CBS let "bitch" get through the censors. It's their answer to all the nudity over on NYPD Blue. Greta pops her head in Amy's office, as Donna backs out of the room, swearing she will never, ever make personal appointments for Amy again, but that this time...well, Amy has to deal and go. Sorry. Greta manages to swerve past Donna's kowtowing exit, and hands Amy a small package. It's a religious artifact type thing, a "mezuzah," which is, in Greta's words "a little reminder of God's presence." She tells the visibly uncomfortable Amy that she won't be offended if Amy doesn't want to put it up, but that she just wanted Amy to have it. Amy hems and haws. Greta asks if "the God thing" is freaking Amy out. Duh. Amy lies and says it isn't. After Greta leaves, Amy looks at the mezuzah and rolls her eyes. You know, I think Amy is being really disrespectful about this entire religion thing, but I also think it's a little weird of Greta to be giving religious items to a staunchly unreligious person. It's a little heavy-handed, is all. I think Greta might be a little subtler than that. I'm just sayin'.
How sad is it that Rick Springfield has agreed to appear in a commercial that features him giving concerts at county fairs? It's like he's advertising how washed-up he is.
Amy and Leesha are having coffee. You know Leesha is shallow because her coffee order is complicated and of the L.A. Story half-caf/double latte/light vanilla/thin foam genre. Could the writers have picked an easier way to characterize her? Man, the further into this recap I get, the crankier I become. Leesha wants to make up with Amy, but Amy is peeved that Leesha told Lauren about their argument. Leesha starts to cry and wails she "keeps messing up." She weeps that she really wants to be a good stepmother and she desperately wants to "make a good impression" on Amy. Amy clearly feels like a heel, in light of what is obviously Leesha's fundamental niceness. Leesha sobs that she just wanted to be, like, friends, you know? Guilt takes over Amy's brain and she agrees that, of course, they can be friends. The guilt is deeply powerful, I guess, because somehow, Amy agrees to go bathing suit shopping with Leesha. As bratty as Amy has been all episode, I don't think anyone deserves that kind of punishment. Leesha is thrilled. I know she's supposed to be dumb and bimbotic, but she actually seems really sweet.
Maxine is at the McElroy boys high school. Apparently, they've been absent and tardy so much that the principal was about to call DCF herself. They've got all kinds of other behavioral problems, too - smart mouthing, poor grades, missing homework. The principal tells Maxine that Lawyer Mom is concerned only about her career. Everyone watching Gets It.
Amy and Leesha are in the throes of swimsuit shopping. Amy is awkwardly attempting to tie a sarong, but she's got it all around her waist instead of her hips. I'd just like to say that while I understand no woman enjoys shopping for swimsuits, Amy has nothing to complain about. You could bounce a quarter off those abs. Anyhoo, from the other dressing room, Leesha starts chattering about how much Michael (Amy's Ex) looooooves the sarongs, because "he's such a butt man." Amy, understandably, looks horrified at this line of conversation. Leesha comes in the dressing room to help Amy with the sarong, and mid tie, perkily comments that she ought to give Amy "the name of [her] waxer." I'm sorry, I laughed. Was that wrong?
Back at the Creep's trial, The Girlfriend has yet again taken the stand. She's explaining the entire purse-snatching/Vincent-shooting part of the afternoon. She tells the court that the Creep forced her into her car, which we all know didn't happen, because they just re-ran the shooting episode. Vincent, in the audience, looks angry. The defense picks all kinds of holes in the Girlfriend's testimony, and rightfully insults the Girlfriend's integrity as a witness, over myriad overturned objections from the District Attorney. The Girlfriend looks perturbed that she's been thus thwarted. Vincent, for once, actually doesn't end the scene looking pensive. Instead, he just looks pissed. And hot.
In chambers, Amy and Greta are talking trash about Leesha, and how shallow and superficial she is. Amy wonders how properly to deal with her former husband's girlfriend. I don't know, but I bet taking her bathing suit shopping and then bad-mouthing her, while perhaps normal, is not "proper." The girls make a series of snarky remarks. Amy expresses relief that Greta hasn't "wigged out on [her] with this God business." Greta reminds Amy that she is still the same person, despite having found God. Blah blah blah, religioncakes.
Vincent races, furious, out of the courthouse, The Girlfriend on his heels. He calls her on the perjury and tells her that if the Creep "walks now, it'll be [her] fault." The Girlfriend, naturally, takes this moment to remind him that it was HIS testimony that was thrown out, and weepily accuses him of never supporting her. Vincent stops dead in his tracks and says, "That's insane." Yeah, I'd say taking a bullet for you is providing pretty good support. The Girlfriend asks if they can "do this" somewhere else. Vincent pulls a backbone out of his briefcase and tells her no, that he doesn't want to do it at all, that is isn't going to work between them. The Girlfriend, incredulous, asks if he's this angry simply because she altered her testimony "to put the Creep who shot you in jail?" OK, that was a big, fat shout out. Vincent informs The Girlfriend that he can't count on her to tell him the truth, and that their relationship is based on nothing but a "mutual horror story." The Girlfriend tells him that he's "just running away." Yes, he is. Away from you! She trudges off, forever, if we're lucky. Vincent looks, yes, pensive, but with a tiny touch of glee. The church bells ring, the birds sing and, everywhere, flowers burst riotously into bloom. The Girlfriend is gone, God Bless America! And Canada.
In Amy's chambers, Bruce reminds her that he has church that afternoon and will be leaving right after court. He reiterates that she's welcome to join him. She demurs, saying that for once she'll have the house to herself, and, besides, she isn't going to go to church until he can explain to her why he does. Bruce tells her she's going to have a looooong wait. In hell, Godless heathen! OK, he leaves the last part off.
At DCF, Maxine has gathered the Wire-Bender, the Lawyer and Dad to talk about the McElroy boys. I so don't care about this case. Lawyer gets cranky about the amount of work she has to do, and how her child support checks are cruddy and how she's trying to make partner. Maxine explains that she has nothing against working mothers; she and her daughters are working mothers themselves. She asks Mr. McElroy if he's ever considered taking custody of the boys. At this, the Lawyer gives a very terse and unfelt Please Don't Take My Babies Away From Me speech, and Dad says that he doesn't want to be disruptive. Wire-Bender says they just want Lawyer to do a better job. Maxine opens up her can of state-sponsored whoopass and tells Lawyer that she better come home earlier, and she better make sure the kids go to school and she better know where the hell the kids are all the time. And if she continues to neglect her sons, Maxine will call the Lawyer's supervisor and tell him or her that the Lawyer is being investigated for child neglect. And then she can kiss her chances to make partner goodbye. With this, justice meted out properly, Maxine makes a grand exit.
Halls of Justice. Roofies ruling. Amy hypothesizes that Red and Alan have a "possibly sociopathic disregard for the consequences of [their] actions" and gives them a lecture on the devastating effect roofies have on victims. She says that it's "not the education of women that's going to change the problem of rape, it's the education of young men." Word. Amy tells Mimi that she's "doing a terrible job" raising her son, and she doesn't know why she shouldn't transfer the case to criminal court. She sits back and watches Mimi, Mr. Mimi, Red, Alan, and their lawyer spring to their feet and hoot and holler. Damn, people, weren't you listening? Amy says that she sees no reason why she shouldn't send the boys to criminal court, but she won't. She sentences them to a three-year sentence at Long Lane in exchange for a plea on the possession charges. Red and Alan look pissed, probably realizing that they're going lose their jobs at Abercrombie and Fitch, where, like all A&F employees, they ignore the customers who want to give them money, and instead toss a Nerf football around all day. Amy smiles. "Sorry boys," she says. "I just wanted to see what would happen."
At DCF, Maxine tries to give Kimberly some helpful hints about being a good social worker. Kimberly rolls her eyes and back talks. Maxine is being remarkably calm with her. She's interrupted by another social worker who tells her that her "limo is out front." Maxine looks flabbergasted. I chuckle. I can't help it, it just happened.
Maxine is shown into a very lavish, wood-planned study by Mr. Moneypants - er, Richard Crenna, who says "it's not home, but it's much." I guess so. He's got a big evening planned, but warns her that she might lose him for a wee bit while he takes a conference call. In an attempt at sincerity that rings kind of creepy, he tells Maxine that they don't need "his and hers millions," because, you know, he has enough to go around. Richard proposes they toast Maxine's new job, but she wants to wait to toast her resignation, which she plans to tender the day. She tells Richard that she hates being supervisor, and she's horrible at it. Besides, she never gets to see "people," she's so busy. Richard, supposing that "people" means him, tells Maxine that he was wondering when he'd "factor into this." She tells him that she tends to "get busy" when she's nervous about "starting something new" and that it's a "bad habit [she'd] like to break." Richard Crenna kisses her. She kisses back. I have nothing against older people in love, but, millions notwithstanding, I think Maxine could do better. Crenna rubs me the wrong way.
Amy is leaving the courthouse when Donna pulls her aside. She haltingly and sadly tells her that Greta has died. The anvil has landed. Amy is stunned. Donna gently tells her that they think it was a heart attack, because chemotherapy is hard on the organs. She offers to drive Amy home, and tells her that she didn't want to overhear it in the hallway. Amy thanks her, and walks off in a daze. Poor Greta.
Amy arrives home to a dark house. Breaking down, she races though the rooms, calling for Maxine. No one, of course, is home. Amy picks up the phone, but gets Vincent's machine. She sits for a moment, then runs for the door.
Bruce sees her, just as he's walking into church. Amy's not crying, but she's close. She tells him the bad news, and Bruce is appropriately sympathetic. She tells him that no one was home, and she knew he was there, and she halting asks him why he does the church thing. He tells her that it's how he gets through the week. He says he has "three choices of what to believe. A: There is no God. B: There is a callous God, who doesn't care if horrible things happen to people, or C: There is a benevolent God who is beyond understanding, and [Bruce] has to give him the benefit of the doubt when he looks bad." Amy, almost despairingly, asks what "makes him choose C." Bruce tells her it's "the look in his daughter's face when [he] tucks her in at night." He asks Amy, once again, if she'd like to go inside the church. She's trying not to cry, and refuses again. He asks if she'd rather be alone. She's trying so hard not to cry that she can't answer. Bruce puts his arm around her and walks her into church. Poor Amy. Good thing she has Bruce, because he rules.
week: Amy and Maxine are on opposite sides of the law! Well, sorta.