Props to Cyber Patrol, the internet policing service which came with my computer, and which went haywire this week, preventing me from accessing the internet, period, including my email and Cyber Patrol's own site. Oh wait. No props at all. Anti-props. Bastards.
Halls of Justice. Amy is all slumping back in her chair, sans robe, chewing on what appears to be a jawbreaker. Look what's happened in the two weeks since we've been gone -- a total breakdown of the judicial system. Lawyers Dobson and Zaccaro are arguing the fate of a thirteen-year-old cocaine dealer; Dobson wants to allow him to move to Puerto Rico with his mother, Zaccaro wants to send him to the pokey. The lawyers bicker a bit, but eventually Zaccaro agrees to Dobson's request. Her only condition is that Amy treat the dealer to one of her "rants" before turning him over to his mother. Amy, in the midst of putting her robes back on, looks askance at this, probably wondering if Zaccaro has confused her with Maxine. Donna shoots Amy a nervous look. Zaccaro corrects herself. "One of your lectures," she says. Amy asks Zacarro whether this is some kind of joke, but Zaccaro assures her that it is not. "You get a kind of hectoring tone in your voice when you really getting going," she explains, twirling her left arm like an extra in the Devo "Whip It" video. "It really registers with these kids." Donna gives Amy a "well, it's true" look and Amy kind of wrinkles her noses and says she'll see what she can do. They go back on the record and call the kid and his mother into the courtroom. Amy gives them the good news, and at the throat-clearing reminder of Zaccaro, calls the kid to her desk. She manages, clearly hoping for divine intervention, or for inspiration from Maxine, to pull some rhetoric out of her ass about how the kid dashed his mother's hope for a new life, ruined her chances in the land of opportunity and how he must make it up to her even if it takes his entire life, blah blah blah guiltcakes. The kid breaks down in his mother's embrace. Zaccaro gives Amy the "okay" sign. Donna applauds silently. Amy gives the "so-so" hand waggle. The credits roll.
At DCF, Maxine is talking to a distraught young mother, who explains that while her husband is a good father, he beats her. Call me crazy, but I don't think that beating your children's mother is being a good father. Mrs. DelBello tells Maxine that she's frightened of what her husband will do to her if she leaves him and takes the children with her. She cries that her husband cannot know that she, Mrs. DelBello, came to DCF, because he would kill her. Maxine tells Mrs. DelBello that, somehow, she will investigate without involving her. "God bless you," Mrs. DelBello says. "You're a wonderful person." Maxine smiles smugly and nods. She's aware.
Over at the Halls of Justice, Amy comes skipping out of the courtroom and into the waiting arms of Bruce. Well, she runs into him in the hallway, anyway, and tells him that she "missed [him] in court this morning." I've given up on trying to figure out what Bruce's job is exactly, because one would think that he always had to be in court with Amy, but whatever. Family court clearly calls for the presence of a judge alone, and the rest of the court employees are just around to form her little posse of supportive compatriots. Bruce tells Amy that he was busy "clearing her docket." Is that what the kids are calling it in Connecticut? She flirtatiously asks if she has the day off. Bruce kind of gives her the eye and tells her that she's going to Marston, to preside over a case involving a child whose mother was put in rehab. "And now she wants him back?" Amy asks wearily. Ah, it's a common derivative of Please, Don't Take My Baby Away, known as Please, Give Me My Baby Back. Bruce exposits that the boy -- who, at 15, isn't exactly a child -- was recently put on Ritalin, and that the mother is challenging the diagnosis. Our Intrepid Judge been called to the scene because the only judge in Marston sees the same shrink the kid does and has, therefore, recused himself. Amy asks Bruce if he's coming with her. He smirks winningly at her and says that he'll drive. Let me just tell you that these two crazy kids want each other. They want each other bad.
At the Ranch, all the kiddies except for Vincent are gathered 'round the campfire -- I mean, the dinner table -- including Gillian and "Stinky Pete"er. Gillian is yammering on about Evie -- their surrogate mother -- and how she's having crazy cravings: "Chocolate, Spaghetti-Os, Ding Dongs." Gillian just described my daily diet, and if those are the cravings of pregnant women only, then I'm calling The National Enquirer because, somehow, I've been impregnated. And trust me, it sure wasn't the normal way. And now that I've told all of North America about my little dry spell, let's return to the subject at hand and hope that none of my exes are reading this, because as far as they are concerned, I am living in a beach house in Malibu with Scott Speedman. Gillian sips her coffee and comments that Evie's "getting really big." Wow, I wonder why? Maxine looks at Gillian incredulously. "Pregnant women get big," she explains. "That's a baby in there, not Ding Dongs." Duh. Lauren wonders whether Amy is pregnant, because Amy also likes Spaghetti-Os. Amy says that she is not pregnant. Stupid Peter explains that Amy can't possibly be pregnant, because she "doesn't even have a husband." Lauren astutely points out that Evie doesn't have a husband, either, and asks how she got pregnant. Amy gives Peter the world's phoniest grin and asks him if he'd like to field that question. Maxine comes to the rescue of her stupid son and informs everyone that the current discussion is not appropriate for the dinner table. Thinking about getting pregnant, I guess, reminds Amy of Bruce, because she takes this moment to ask Maxine if she can pick Lauren up from school while she's on her jaunt to Marston. Maxine can't, but Gillian offers to take charge of the darling pet, trilling that "Evie can help." This pleases Lauren, who says that they can "talk more about babies!" I'd like to point out that in this scene, Maxine has a huge bottle of wine, Amy is drinking what looks like scotch on the rocks, and I'm not entirely sure, but I think Peter was drinking Hooch. People, we have our first shout-out.
DCF; Maxine is on the phone with Mrs. DelBello, telling her that she's going to approach Mr. DelBello at work and, thus, keep Mrs. DelBello out of the entire matter. It pleases me to tell you all that last episode's Sassy Black Woman is back! I thought she'd be 86-ed for sure after telling Maxine off, but she's right at the counter between Maxine and the door. Now, if only she had a name. Anyhoo, it's a good thing something is between Maxine and the door, because who is crawling back into DCF like the snake that she is but Susie "I'm a Crook, But Apparently No One Cares. Ha Ha!" Nixon! SBW speaks for all of us when she expresses her dismay at the fact that all Susie got for stealing money (from CHILDREN, people!) is a week's suspension. Word. What's up with that? Jim, the old fogy who so memorably told Maxine she had big brass balls, explains that he doesn't want the situation to "fester" (because, you know, Maxine is so likely to keep her feelings inside), but they need Susie's help around DCF while the investigation into her little money-making scheme is ongoing. Maxine wonders what, exactly, Susie plans to do to help: "Loot the coffee money fund?" Heh. Susie looks up from her pile of papers beatifically and says that she would like to turn her energies towards "those who need them. Children at risk." Man, that woman is as phony as a three-dollar bill. Jim makes some noises about how he's sure they're all on the same page, but Maxine interrupts, "That women stole money from the department and I'm supposed to take orders from her?!" Susie shakes her head. "I told you, Jim," she chirps, all sing-songy. Jim tells Maxine that Susie will have no access to department finances and demands they "make it work." After Jim scurries from what might be the world's most hostile working environment, Susie inquires about the DelBello case, asking if Maxine will be taking the children. Maxine replies that, given the husband's "volatility," they need to be careful. She explains that she's still "considering her approach." The camera gets all in Susie's face, as she morphs into the Wicked Witch of the West again. "Make no mistake about it," she cackles. "I am in charge." She demands that Maxine have the children removed. Maxine says she needs to investigate first, because there isn't enough evidence to take that step yet. Susie snips at Maxine to investigate, then, because, after all, she's "good at that." Snarl! Girl fight! In what must have been an ad-libbed bit of blocking, Maxine smiles and then curtsies to Susie. I'm sorry, but that was funny. Susie throws a ball of flames at Maxine's back before jumping on her broomstick to return to her castle and her army of flying monkeys.
Amy and Bruce arrive in Marston, which Amy finds a quaint and charming example of small-town America. Bruce is less impressed, probably because he saw the sign on the outskirts of town which read "Welcome to The Cliché of the Repressed Small Town. We are Secretly Racist and Sexist! Enjoy Your Stay." Amy finds the tiny courtroom "picturesque," but Bruce is displeased because there is nowhere for him to sit. He's used to the luxury of that apple box he calls a desk back in Hartford. The Judicial Duo is greeted by a Down Home and Folksy Court Clerk. She asks Amy to call her Caitlin, because they "don't stand much on ceremony in Marston." Bruce takes the wind right out of her sales when he introduces himself as "Mr. Van Exel" and sends Caitlin off to find him a temporary tiny desk.
I know I never recap the "evocative" black and white photographs which occasionally serve as CBS's version of the blipvert, but I can't resist. Tonight they're all of children riding their bikes through a bucolic small town. In the first "blipvert," one child has green hair. As the show continues, more children get green hair. Dude, Pleasantville much? The blipverts are rarely particularly original, or even noteworthy, which is why I generally ignore them, but this was particularly heavy-handed and, creatively, a big fat rip-off. ["I saw the episode, and I could not agree more." -- Wing Chun]
God, finally, it's Vincent. And his hair -- stop the presses! -- is clean. Squeakily, lusciously, gloriously clean. And that would be shout-out number two. If y'all are reading this, writers, as, come on, clearly you are, I think Vincent's career ought to be as a exotic dancer in an all-male revue, and he ought to dump The Girlfriend for a slightly neurotic but still entertaining writer from Southern California, who can be reached care of Mighty Big TV. Thank you. Ahem, anyway, Vincent's hanging around the police station, coffee cup in each hand. He gives one of the lattes to a police officer, admitting that the coffee is a bribe. "You're gonna bribe me here in the hallowed HALLS OF JUSTICE?" the policeman asks in a BLATANT shoutout. Blatant, I say! Why don't they just hang up a sign saying "Jessica: We Hear You"? Vincent and the cop yammer about some story Vincent is working on, and Vincent is ready to take off, when the cop lets the cat out of the bag: The Creep who shot Vincent and attacked the Girlfriend is probably going to be set free, because Vincent's identification has been invalidated. Somehow, it's come to light that he was pressured into making the ID. The Big Bad is on the loose again. Vincent looks really ultra-pensive, even for him. He's probably thinking about how much The Girlfriend is going to wig out, and, therefore, that he is never going to have sex again.
Maxine is having at lunch a local diner. She gets into some "clever" banter with the ancient waitress, which I will spare you, all of which provides this week's Special Guest Star, Richard Crenna, with the opportunity to hit on her. He's a widower, relocated from Dallas, fairly charming, and wallet-free. He claims to have left it at the office. Maxine has the ancient waitress put it on her own tab. Richard Crenna asks Maxine to dinner. With some prodding from the ancient waitress, she agrees. Oh, that's kind of cute. Old people, thinking about getting it on.
Marston. Hall of Justice (there's only one hall). Mom is a boozehound, and talks like she has a wad of cotton stuck down the back of her throat. She's dressed like a schoolmarm out of Little House On The Prairie. She tells the court that it's awfully ironic that when she gets out of rehab, she'll return to a son who's all doped up. Can I take a sidebar to mention how very 1998 this whole Ritalin thing is? DCF's counsel explains that Ryan, Cotton Mouth's son, was diagnosed with ADD and that Ritalin is the standard treatment. DCF's counsel has the worst teeth I've ever seen on national TV, Jerry Springer guests notwithstanding. Cotton Mouth's counsel claims that any kid whose mother got sloshed and landed a bunch of people in the hospital in a drunk-driving accident, and who therefore ended up in foster care would have trouble paying attention to geometry. I have to say, I think the man has a point. Apparently, every single kid at Ryan's foster home -- and there are six of them -- is on Ritalin. And they're all under the care of the same doctor. Amy orders an evaluation of Ryan by an independent psychiatrist. One of DCF's lawyers (the bald one, not the one with the bad teeth) protests that there is no other licensed shrink in town. Bruce rolls his eyes. Amy tells DCF to "avail" itself of the "world outside of Marston." She dismisses them, and looks over at her trusty sidekick. Bruce rolls his eyes again, this time so hard that I think they might get stuck at the back of his head.
Maxine returns to the office and tells SBW about getting hit on during lunch. SBW thinks that she actually got "picked up." Maxine comments that she was under the impression that a pick-up was when "you go somewhere with someone to have sex." SBW laughs and tells Maxine that she "did not have sex on [her] lunch hour." Maxine chuckles and tells SBW that she's "famous for that." Someone, make this conversation stop! Thank God, we don't have to hear about any of Maxine's sexcapades of the past, because she finds a mash note from Susie Nixon on her desk. It's the OTC necessary to remove the children from the DelBello residence. Maxine decides to pretend she never got the OTC, and therefore, to keep to her own plan for dealing with the DelBellos. SBW tells Maxine warningly that she's being insubordinate. Maxine counters with the theory that if Susie got a week's paid suspension for stealing, she'll probably be "[made to] eat ice cream" for insubordination. Seriously.
Marston. The Ritalin-Happy Shrink is on the stand. He looks like a Toad in Human Form. He hems and haws about how he doesn't keep statistics of how many kids are on Ritalin, and he doesn't want to guess and he sort of works for the school, and sometimes he sees students, and maybe some of them had ADD and maybe not. Whatever. Anyway, it turns out that 80% of the kids the Toad sees are diagnosed with ADD and all of them are now on Ritalin. Amy asks to get the medical records of all the children under the Toad's care. Toothy Malone from DCF doesn't know how long it will take to get the records. Amy says she needs them by tonight. Period. She sends everyone home, and turns to Bruce, all self-satisfied. He looks at her like she's grown another head, and asks her where she's planning to stay the night. D'oh!
Vincent and The Girlfriend are eating take-out Chinese. As usual, she's being all uptight and totally wrong for Vincent. He asks if she wants some "cheap wine," because every adult on this show has to be shown drinking at some point in each episode. She says no, and is all secretive and weird about it, but then just casually throws in that alcohol doesn't go well with her medication. Vincent is obviously surprised, but tries to lighten the mood by cracking a small joke -- which was not even at The Girlfriend's expense (I would have said something along the lines of: "I think they ought to up the dosage, beeyotch, because you are still wack," but I'm not trying to get in her pants, and, also, I loathe her). She tells him all uptightly that he isn't funny, and he apologizes and starts kissing her neck. Man, that is just wrong! She doesn't respond and tells Vincent that she can't get over the attack; she's crying and having nightmares and the drugs haven't kicked in yet. Dude, you're a barrel of laughs. I am quite sure that getting attacked is horrible, and that it's totally appropriate for The Girlfriend to be receiving psychiatric care and medication. More power to her. I would also like to point out, however, the Vincent was shot in the same incident. It wasn't all about you, Miss Thang. The Girlfriend tells Vincent that she thinks she'll feel better once the trial is over and the Creep has been convicted. Vincent doesn't look at her and tells her that maybe they shouldn't focus so much on the trial. The Girlfriend reflects that it's weird, how The Creep brought them together, and "yet, [she's] hoping for the death penalty." Vincent looks at her like she's crazy. "That's a story for the grandkids!" The Girlfriend concludes, cheerfully, digging into her Kung Pao. Vincent doesn't look at her. Um, that's a pretty gory tale, there, Missy.
Amy and Bruce are at dinner somewhere in Marston. He's the only person there who isn't white. Everyone's looking at them. Amy notes the obvious. Bruce doesn't want to get into it, and changes the subject by informing her that they have to go through all the medical files themselves tonight, because Marston doesn't have an organized filing system.
Back at the Ranch, Whiny Peter Cries-a-Lot is stomping around the kitchen telling Maxine that she "can not go out with this man." Maxine tells him that he always tells her not to do things, and then she does them, like, get a clue. Peter worries that Maxine's date is "one of those lurking scoundrels who prey on senior citizens." Maxine opens a bottle of wine, to fulfill the Alcohol Consumption Requirement for this scene, and wonders why Peter has such a problem believing that she's attractive to men. Peter looks at her, like, duh, and says that it's because she's his mother. Maxine points out that the reason she is his mother is because she was attractive to men. Maxine and Gillian giggle like two schoolgirls at Peter's horrified expression. Okay, two things: 1. Peter has the maturity of a fourteen-year-old boy, tops. 2. I have heard just about enough about Maxine's sex life, thank you very much!
Bruce and Amy are in the car, ostensibly returning from their meal. She starts to pry into his personal life again and asks who's babysitting Rebecca, his daughter. Bruce tells her that it's Rebecca's mother, Mia (Farrow, presumably). Amy is sort of teasing him about Mia, but Bruce is looking at her like she's a lunatic. Damn, you two, just do it and stop this endless flirtation. It's making my head hurt. In the midst of this "witty banter," they get pulled over for no good reason, which Amy interprets (probably correctly) as racial profiling. Amy pulls rank and basically tells the policeman off. Bruce, embarrassed, looks like he just wants to disappear.
Maxine and Richard Crenna are having dinner at a swankola restaurant. Maxine uses the word "wooed." Richard uses the word "sweating." I use the word "stop." They talk a bit about their deceased spouses. Maxine tells Richard that he has more hair than "[her] Edward." All is going swimmingly, until Richard's credit card is declined. He says that's impossible. He has no ATM card. He has no checkbook. He has no cash. He has no chance to score with Maxine, because she, again, has to pay. Wow, with the freeloading daughter and the con man dates, she's got all the cheapskate bases covered. Richard tells Maxine that having his credit card declined pleases him one level; it means she'll have to see him again. Maxine takes a swig of her brandy and gives him a look that clearly says "don't bet on it, Mister."
Vincent's eating a sandwich at a dive-y eatery. He's reading a book, drinking a coffee (this place probably doesn't have a liquor license), minding his own sweet business, when The Girlfriend storms in, slams a newspaper on the counter and demands to know why Vincent didn't tell her the Creep was being set free. He stammers something about not wanting to upset her. She gets all in his face about how not telling her was a lie. He tactfully tries to tell her that he thinks she's "lost perspective." She interprets that as his thinking she's "crazy." Vincent gently says that wanting The Creep to get the death penalty is a little over the top. She gasps that the Creep is a murderer, and brats that "maybe [Vincent would] rather be with someone less troubled." Vincent looks hurt and takes her arm. "Don't do that," he says. She wrenches her arm out of his grasp and stomps out of the diner. Every single scene Vincent is ever in ends with his looking pensive.
Peter is waiting up for Maxine. She tells him that he was "right, and you know how it pains [her] to say that." That's the truth, and don't we all know it. She tells Peter about the declined credit card debacle, and, surprisingly, he doesn't pull out the old I Told You So, but is appropriately sympathetic. Well handled this time, Peter, but I still think you're a dweeb and a baby.
Bruce and Amy are at the courthouse, going through medical records. She apologizes for the incident with the policeman. He tersely tells her that it's his battle to fight.
Maxine shows up at an unspecified crime scene, and approaches a police officer; apparently she's been paged. Lo and behold, it's the DelBello residence and who's there but Susie Nixon, who calls Maxine over to her space on the porch, between the policemen and the paramedics. Susie starts off by saying breathlessly that they "caught Eddie DelBello red-handed, so obviously, I did the right thing." It's even more obvious that she screwed up, big time, and that she's got a major ass-kicking coming her way, courtesy of one Maxine Gray. Maxine asks after the children, just as the coroner brings Mrs. DelBello's dead body out on a stretcher. Maxine looks at Mrs. DelBello's blood-stained face, her own face twisting in a mixture of grief and fury and stalks off the porch without a word to Susie. Susie trails after her, repeating that at least the children are safe, like it's some kind of mantra. Maxine snaps and turns and yells at Susie to get away from her. As Susie scurries back onto the porch, Maxine looks on helplessly as the ambulance takes Mrs. DelBello's body away. Good work, Susie. See? Disobeying Maxine Gray can lead to death.
Man, Chad Lowe's hair looks really, really bad in that tele-bio of John Denver. How sad, while his wife is polishing her Academy Award™, he's in a made for TV movie with Gerald McRaney. Of course, while he was winning his Emmy for playing Becca's dreamy boyfriend with AIDS on Life Goes On, she was in The Karate Kid, so I guess it all evens out in the end. I saw them in a shoe store in Santa Monica once, when she was still in. They're both about the size of your average sixth-grader.
Enough about me. Gillian and Evie and Lauren are in the kitchen with Maxine. Lauren idolizes Evie, and that upsets Gillian. After Lauren and Gillian head off to school, Evie tells Maxine that she knows Gillian is scared that if Evie spends too much time with Lauren, she won't want to give up her baby after it's born. She explains that she already knows it's going to be "hell" giving up her baby, and that nothing can make that better or worse. Please, don't tell me that this is foreshadowing for some custody battle involving Peter and Gillian and Evie, because we get enough custody battles on this show. Every single sodding character is in a custody battle. Stop the violence!
Marston Hall of Justice. The Marston High School principal testifies that she is responsible for "identifying problem children," in order to help create a "suitable learning environment" for the students of Marston. Amy laughs sarcastically and says that it's an environment achieved through "widespread doping." When Baldo DCF asks her who, exactly, she is accusing, she looks at him and Toothy Malone in disgust, and wonders aloud whether it can be possible that no one else is concerned about this whole Ritalin thing. Cotton Mouth says that "[she] is concerned for [her] son." Well, yeah, no kidding. Amy shoots her a disgusted look and shortly thanks her for her "support." Amy then reads from a report prepared by the non-Marston-based psychiatrist who examined Ryan. Shockingly, there is no evidence of ADD and the administration of Ritalin is totally unwarranted. The Toady Marston shrink looks at his lap and sneers. Amy snappily orders that Ryan and Cotton Mouth be reunited. Cotton Mouth gasps and grasps her lawyer's hand. Toothy Malone stands up in horror and informs Amy that Cotton Mouth is only halfway through her rehab program. Amy basically tells Toothy to deal, and snarkily comments that, "unless [Cotton Mouth] forces her son to drink with her, she can't do a much worse job than DCF." Toothy and Baldo look at Amy as though they'd like to take her into the alley behind the courthouse and break her kneecaps. Amy doesn't stop there, though. She says that, while Marston seemslike a nice town, people who are different are made to feel ostracized, and "boys are drugged because they are boisterous." Bruce looks down at this teeny, tiny, smaller-than-usual desk. Cotton Mouth nods vigorously and yells, "Sing it, sister!" Well, in her mind. Amy announces she's sending the transcript of the case to the state psychiatric licensing board, the school board, the commissioner of DCF and the state attorney general. Toothy, Baldo and the Toad all look horrified. She asks if she's "left anybody unscathed, because [she's] in a fairly scathing mood." When met by silence, she screams "good!" and court is adjourned. I guess the town of Marston didn't know what it was in for when Judge Amy Gray, Dispenser of Wisdom and Bringer of Truth, came to town, no sir. She took this little town and turned it upside down. She's like Kevin Bacon in Flashdance, except without the dancing.
After the plaintiffs leave the courtroom, and Amy and Bruce are gathering their things, Bruce ventures the subject of their conversation the night before. Amy says she knows she was out of line, but Bruce interrupts her and tells her that he was the one who was out of line. He explains that "it's hard to be humiliated in front of someone you respect." She softly tells him that she respects him, too. They gaze at one another. Awwww. That was a good scene.
At DCF, Maxine tromps into Jim's office and hands him her resignation. He tells her he can't accept it. She tells him he doesn't have a choice. Jim makes some sympathetic noises about "the tragic death that came about" and, whoa Nellie, Maxine lets him have it, telling him that Susie is as responsible for Mrs. DelBello's death "as the man who pulled the trigger." She makes some more noise, about political agenda and whatnot and turns on her heel, for the second time in the this scene, to leave. But Jim calls after her, saying those three little words that Maxine longs to hear: "You were right." He follows that up with her three other favorite words: "Susie was wrong." Sure enough, this brings Maxine right back into the room, but she can't give in, not just yet. "Tell that to those children with a dead mother!" she hollers. Jim tries to defuse the situation and tells Maxine that he needs Susie to run the department, because he doesn't have anyone else to do it, now does he? Maxine gives him the stink-eye and turns to walk out again. Yadda yadda yadda, Maxine agrees to run DCF on a temporary (yeah, right) basis, while Susie is stuck doing clerical work until the investigation is over. Jim is the only person on this show who can get Maxine to do anything. I think he's my idol. I also think that Susie Nixon is going to be very, very, very sorry, very, very, very soon.
Vincent and The Girlfriend are all splayed out, naked, on his bed. Have I mentioned that I hate her? Because I do. Vincent wonders if they're going to become one of those couples who resolve every argument by having "wild monkey sex." The Girlfriend hopes so. Vincent kisses her foot. I vomit into a potted plant. Vincent starts getting dressed for work and the happy couple banter about Vincent's glamorous job covering city council meetings. They have no chemistry at all. Vincent has better chemistry with his sister. He had better chemistry with Kristin Davis when he played the Straight Gay Guy (or was it the Gay Straight Guy?) on Sex in the City. He has better chemistry with the furniture in his apartment. In the midst of all the non-chemistry, the Girlfriend's purse drops on the bed and a number of things spill out, including a handgun. Vincent gives her a "what the hell?" look and she tells him not to "overreact." He asks her why she has a gun. Because she likes the heft it gives her handbag, Vince. The Girlfriend explains that "the guy is probably going to get off." Vincent echoes my thoughts as he asks her incredulously if she thinks she's going to shoot him. She tells him that she's scared. Vincent tells her that he doesn't think The Creep actually is going to get off. The Girlfriend tells Vincent that "he doesn't know what it's like" to be attacked. Is she high? He got shot. Does no one recall that part but me? Thank God, at last Vincent gets angry and reminds the Girlfriend that he was the one who took the bullet. The Girlfriend brats that maybe she needs "more of a sense of control over [her] life than [he] does." That was a low blow. Vincent asks her what she means by that. She explains that she read that he needed some convincing to go down and look at the lineup. Vincent tells her that she's not afraid, but that she's angry at him. He reminds her that he's "not a hero." The Girlfriend picks up her Smith and Wesson Carry-All. "You don't have to keep proving it," she snips, and stomps out. Oh, their relationship is deteriorating in front of our very eyes. Too bad, so sad.
Maxine gets home to find Peter on the sofa drinking a beer. Everyone else has gone out for ice cream. Also, probably, to swing past the liquor store to stock up on Stoli and club soda. The door bell rings. Yes, it's Richard Crenna, with flowers. He whines that Maxine won't return his phone calls. She accuses him of stalking her, and tells him she doesn't want to be "subjected to any more of [his] scams." Richard tells her that she's "got it all wrong." Maxine is in full tell-off mode, when Nosey Peter comes to the door and sees Richard, who he recognizes for some reason. Peter pulls Maxine inside the house and breathlessly informs her that Richard is some kind of insanely wealthy, "Forbes 500, 100 Most Powerful CEOs" kinda guy. Maxine looks perplexed, then blasé, and then deeply embarrassed. Peter grabs her coat, throws it on her and shoves her out the door to make up with him. Pimping out your own mother. That's charming.
Maxine meets Richard on the porch. He's got a limo waiting for them. He explains that he couldn't find "a graceful way" to tell her who he was, and that he's more interested in her than he's been in anyone for years. They chuckle over the entire débacle, as Richard sweeps her into the limo. Peter, in the house, starts figuring out what kind of prenuptial agreement Maxine ought to agree to, in order to secure him the greatest amount of inheritance. We don't see that part, but I'm sure that's what's happening.