It is a dark and stormy night and the Red Baron -- I mean, Maxine -- is fast asleep in bed, a book open on her chest and her glass clutched in one hand. A raindrop falls right on her face. She groans and turns over, but three more raindrops kersplash right into her ear. Maxine grumbles, turns on the light and sits up. There is a huge leak, right over her pillow. She gets out of bed, pulls a variety of cooking paraphernalia out from under the bed (a dog dish, a cookie sheet, a pot, all presumably placed there for this purpose) and examines the situation. The ceiling is in bad shape, and leaking both over her bed and right onto her dresser. She sighs.
Fast-forward to later that morning; Maxine barrels through the back door, all decked out in her galoshes and rain gear, with the dog. "It's going to be a long day," she warns him as she dries him off. "Nobody's going to be here to let you out." I sympathize; our dog, Ooogie (also known as Ooogalicious, Ooogtastic and Ooogariffic) won't pee when it's raining out, either. Not even if you take her out and hold an umbrella over her head. She's quite spoiled. Judge Amy "The Picture of Dorian" Gray comes bounding down the stairs and asks her mother to please get the roof fixed. Lauren, right on her mother's tail, waves her homework in Maxine's face. It's all wet. Maxine, in the time-honored tradition of mothers everywhere opines that water never hurt anyone and puts Lauren's homework in the oven to dry out. Amy complains more about the leaky roof. Maxine says it doesn't bother her and tells Amy that she's sure Amy has more important things to worry about than the roof. Lauren discovers puddles on the kitchen floor and starts splashing around in them, although she's not wearing boots and is getting her jeans all wet. Maxine and Amy just watch as she stamps around in the water.
Credit roll. Jangly theme song plays. Evocative black-and-white photos flash.
In the Halls of Justice, Amy presides over the custody hearing du jour; Eric Capono, stepfather, is fighting Natural Father Paul Brody for custody of Daughter Caroline, whose mother, Eric's wife, has recently died. Stepfather Capono has raised Carolyn with her mother since she was barely over a year old, and while Natural Father Brody has maintained contact with Carolyn through letters and phone calls since he and her mother separated, he hasn't actually seen her since. Why, you ask? Because Mr. Brody has a malady much beloved by writers of television dramas (David E. Kelley, I'm looking at you): Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, also known as OCD. And, as Capono's counsel so sensitively puts it, he's "afraid of getting cooties." As Brody's lawyer -- who looks just like a clean-shaven Steven Spielberg -- explains that Mr. Brody has been in therapy, and is mentally ready and willing to take on the myriad responsibilities of fatherhood, Bruce leans over the edge of his tiny desk and turns on the heater. The gust of hot air from the vent blows a paper onto Mr. Brody's lap. While Amy yammers about wanting to hear from psychiatrists and family interaction studies, Brody takes his gloved hands out of his pockets and places the paper on the table. Mr. Capono looks sad.
Outside, it's still raining. Maxine comes trotting into someone's backyard -- the yard of someone, I'll wager, who needs her help. Indeed, another one of CBS's cadre of Sassy Black Women is yelling at a young boy on the roof of the porch, asking him not to jump. Don't worry, it's not suicide. The kid tells the SBW not to worry, because he has a parachute -- which he does, rather nicely made out of a tablecloth. He inches toward the edge of the roof as both Maxine and the SBW holler at him. He halts for a sec, as a man pops his head out of a window. Maxine has a brilliant idea -- what a shocking surprise, except for the "shocking" part, and the "surprise" part, and the brilliant part -- and tells the kid that if he's going to jump, he might as well do it right. She advises him to back up, so he can get a running start. The kid does so -- and the man in the window grabs the mischievous scamp and pulls him inside. Everyone shares a good, nervous titter. Ah, kids. What a HIGHlarious joy they are. SBW tells Maxine that she and her hubby need a vacation. Not that they don't adore Kevin, but...Maxine interrupts to tell them that DCF has approved SBW's sister to take care of Kevin so that the two of them can go to Orlando for their twentieth wedding anniversary. SBW and Hubby are thrilled, but they ask Maxine how it's going to work in terms of their compensation as foster parents. Not that they care for themselves, of course. See, they promised SBW's sister that they'd make sure she got paid to watch The Kid. Maxine says she'll work it out with DCF one way or another and tells them to have a good time. Ah, I liked SBW and Hubby. So, naturally, we'll probably never see them ever again.
Halls of Justice. Brody is on the stand, explaining what it's like to have OCD. The Cliffs Notes version? It sucks. Because this is not Ally McBeal, no one says anything mean about Brody's condition, and everyone, from Amy to Donna to Stepfather Capono looks truly sorry for the guy. Brody says that he's much better than he used to be, and that he's tried very hard to remain part of his daughter's life, talking to her teachers and doctors, and talking to her all the time over the phone. Brody says that he missed "hugging [his daughter]" and thanks Capono for doing everything he wishes he could have done for Carolyn. He tears up and says he's overcome so much adversity, and now he just wants to be able to tuck his little girl into bed. Amy looks like she's going to cry.
Back at The Ranch, the kids are making dinner. Dorky Older Brother Peter steps right into a tin of water. Amy, Peter, and Peter's uberWASP wife, Gillian, start complaining about the house in general -- the roof, the paint, the water pressure. I don't know what Amy did to her hair between the Halls of Justice and The Ranch, but it was barely even wavy at work and now it looks like she stuck her finger in a socket. Peter is whining and whining and whining about how the state of the house is totally unacceptable and asks "What is up with Mom?" My darling boy Vincent trots down the stairs and suggests, in a tone that indicates that he wishes they would all just drop it, that maybe she doesn't have the money to fix it all. Peter is sure she has the money. Amy says that Maxine has a hard time spending money on herself. Gillian hypothesizes that maybe she wants to hoard her money so that she'll have plenty to live on after she retires. Vincent, in his "Shut UP" tone, says he doesn't think that's the issue. Peter says, again, that she has plenty of money, and that he "just [has] to talk to her."
Vincent looks up from cutting red bell peppers, looks Peter right in the eye and says, "Once again, maybe she doesn't have the money," like, how dense is Peter? "She has the money," Peter The Clueless says. "No, actually, she. Doesn't. Not that much, at least," Vincent says, clearly annoyed and amazed by the high incidence of dumb-assity present in his immediate family. The Dumb-Asses wonder what happened to the money that Maxine got when Father Gray died. Vincent explains that when Maxine got into her Internet phrase (before she went back to working for DCF), "she wasn't visiting chat rooms, she was dabbling in the stock market." Peter is shocked and dismayed, both that Maxine lost the life insurance money, and that she told Vincent instead of him. Maxine enters the house just in time to hear Peter call her stupid. Vincent apologizes for spilling the beans. Maxine tells all of them that her personal financial affairs are none of their business, asks them not to set a place for her at dinner, and stomps up to her room in a huff. Peter looks irritated. Vincent looks like he'd like to dig a hole in the ground and pull the dirt in after him. He's also wearing a gray tee shirt, which nicely accentuates his pecs.
The morning, Peter chases Maxine all over the house, whining about the fact the she kept her day trading scandal a secret from him. God, he's annoying. He asks her why she told Vincent -- "who barely has a checking account in his own name" -- instead of him. Why? WHHHHHHHHY? Peter: Shut. UP! Maxine snippily tells him that she needed empathy, not help. She and Peter argue about her finances: House as only asset, none of your business, retirement fund, none of your business, taxes, none of your business. Maxine finally shuts him the hell up by telling him that she's a "grown-up women with all of [her] faculties and most of [her] teeth" (hee hee) and that he ought to just shut up. Big, freaking WORD.
Halls of Justice. The bailiff tells Amy and Bruce that they're going to have to wait a bit, because the court reporter needed to "step away for a minute." Turns out their usual court reporter is out, and they have a substitute, Ian Janikowski. The instant Ian's name passes the bailiff's lips, Donna, over in her corner (okay -- my endless devotion and props in the recap will go to whomever can tell me what, exactly, her job is), gasps. She scampers over to Amy and explains that "Ian Janikowski is the worst. Everybody hates him. Such a diva. He tried to run me over in the parking lot -- " Amy cuts Donna off, as the aforementioned Ian enters the courtroom. He is wearing an ascot. Never a good sign, unless your name is either Jeeves or Wooster. He explains that his brief absence was due to "irritable bowel syndrome. I have no control." Oh, Jesus. David E Kelley didn't write this, correct? Because we're already got OCD and now we have quirky court employees with toilet issues. If Amy's nose starts whistling, I'm handing this over to Pamie or Gwen, because I taped the wrong show. Amy excuses Ian. Bruce looks disgusted, possibly because he's had one word so far this episode. As Amy gets the trial started, Donna leans over and calls Ian a liar. Ian leans right over into her personal space. "Yeah?" he says, "see you in the parking lot!" Yeah, okay, I laughed. It was funny.
In a dramatic development, we have two -- count 'em -- two custody battles this episode. Please Don't Take My Baby; Part Deux involves a Croatian couple whose son Goran (and come on, this has got to be a shout out to ER's smoking hottie, Goran Visnjic, who plays dreamy Croatian doctor Luka) has recently been removed from their custody. Ian the Annoying Court Reporter interrupts DCF to ask how to spell Goran's name. When everyone gives him the Look of Death for interrupting, he shrugs his shoulders. "Color me stupid," he says. You said it, I didn't, buddy. DCF explains that the family is homeless, and has been for two weeks, because the Filipoviches won't sign any of the paperwork necessary to move them into temporary housing. DCF had to take Goran because they couldn't let him live on the streets. Amy asks Mr. Filipovich why he didn't sign the papers. The Filipoviches don't have any counsel, or an interpreter, and their English is poor. Mrs. Filipovich manages to say that they are going to get a home, and they want their son back. Amy kindly thanks her, and asks why they don't have a lawyer. They don't understand her. The DCF lawyers tell Amy that the Filipoviches wouldn't sign the financial affidavits necessary to arrange for court-appointed representation, and that the only Croatian interpreter they could find wasn't available until the day. Amy gets all annoyed and issues a continuance until the day. She very tersely tells DCF they better get this family an interpreter and a lawyer. Bruce, because he is now allowed only to speak with his eyes, gives her a "you go, girl" look. Although he would never actually say "you go, girl." You know what I mean.
Over at DCF, Maxine is talking to Mr. Bellamy, one of the powers that be, about the procedure required to reimburse SBW's sister for taking care of SBW and Hubby's (who we learn are named Laura and Mitch Evans) foster kid while Laura and Mitch are on vacation. In a bit of banter I shall not attempt to recreate, we learn that Bellamy is humorless and bureaucratic. We also learn that the Evanses are getting paid for three kids, not the lone one that they actually have -- a $1200 overpayment. Bellamy tells Maxine to find out why.
Halls of Justice. Case One; OCD versus Stepdad. Stepdad is explaining that he has raised Carolyn since she was tiny; taking her to dance class and soccer practice, reading to her, that Carolyn calls both him and Brody "Dad." Stepdad says that he thinks of Carolyn as his daughter, that his home is the only home she knows. He starts to cry when he explains that he wants to see her grow up. "I've lost my wife," Stepdad tells Amy. "Please, Please Don't Take My Daughter." Poor Stepdad.
Over at Casa Vincent, my boyfriend and his other girlfriend come home from the movies. They start making out. Vincent asks the Girlfriend if she wants to "stay," which, I believe, is a shortened form of "stay and have sex." She does. Vincent very dramatically rips off his coat and tosses it on the floor. She laughs. I laugh. They get on the couch and go at it. It's very hot and heavy -- especially for CBS, my God! -- when the Girlfriend stops Vincent and says she "can't." Vincent exhibits both awareness of the importance of safe sex and of personal hygiene when he tells the Girlfriend that he's "been tested, and the sheets are clean." The Girlfriend says, "it's not that" (oh, I guess STDs and skeevy bed linens are no problem for her. That's lovely, then), but explains that "since the attack, everything makes [her] nervous and [she] doesn't want to be nervous about this." In case you forgot -- because not only have they been showing reruns in a confusing order, this is also the first new episode in a while -- Vincent and The Girlfriend met when he tried to save her from being attacked in a supermarket parking lot. That's the episode that's airing week, and there is a lot of shirtless Vincent, so, if you're a fan, tune in. If you're not a fan, he also takes a bullet, so tune in for that. Ahem, back to the topic at hand: Vincent very kindly tells the Girlfriend that he can wait for her to be ready. What a nice boy.
At Willy Loman's Old Skool Insurance, Amy and Peter are talking about getting the roof fixed. It's gonna run them $12,000. They wonder where they're going to get the money, because none of them have any. Now, Peter and Gillian don't have any dough because they spent it all trying to get her pregnant, and Vincent is a writer just out of college and doesn't have any money (that part's true to life, let me tell you), but Amy is a freaking judge. Is she spending it all on hair products? She says she's broke because she's fighting her ex for more child support, but I still find it hard to believe. I find it even harder to believe what she reveals, which is that she isn't paying Maxine any rent, and only occasionally chips in for groceries and whatnot. Peter reads her the riot act for being so selfish, and I never, ever thought I'd say this, but, go Peter. I'd also like to point out that Peter and Amy are drinking scotch, neat, throughout this scene. Amy asks Peter what happened to him, that he used to be "the cool one, the guy in the band, who was working to legalize marijuana!" She wonders disdainfully when he became "this guy." Peter downs his shot of booze, and looks at her. "Dad died," he says, "and I grew up. Someone had to." Amy stares at him balefully, turns on her heel, and takes off. I hate to say it, but Peter has a point. Man, Amy, pay your poor Mom some rent!
Amy and Vincent are dressed like joggers, but they're strolling down the street drinking coffee. "Sex is complicated," Amy says. "It wasn't complicated in high school," Vincent says. Amy, shocked, asks Vincent how much sex he was having in high school. He explains that he had to "be advanced in some subject." A regular viewer of this show would have guessed that that subject was English, since Vincent is allegedly so brilliant a writer, but whatever. Amy tells Vincent to give the Girlfriend time. Vincent wonders how to handle this without screwing it up, so to speak. Amy tells him to tell her how he feels. Vincent says that would "let down [his] whole gender." Amy turns right to him and asks him, surprised, if he loves the Girlfriend. Vincent crinkles his forehead and says he doesn't know, like he's in fourth grade. "You LOVE HER!" Amy crows. Vincent cracks that talking to his sister about love is lowering his sperm count. "You LOVE HER," Amy says again. "Shut up," Vincent says, throwing his empty coffee cup at her and running off. Yes, fourth grade sounds about right. Amy laughs to herself. That was a cute scene. But I'd like to state for the record that I hate the Girlfriend. She reminds me of the unholy love child of Party of Five's Lacey Chabert and Felicity's Amy Jo Johnson, whom I often call "Ratface." Is that mean? ["If calling Amy Jo Johnson 'Ratface' is wrong, I don't want to be right." -- Wing Chun]
Back in the Halls of Justice, the Filipoviches are telling their Tale of Woe through an interpreter. This confuses Ascot-Wearing Ian, who doesn't know if he's supposed to type in Croatian or not. I wish Bruce would deck him. But Bruce is a lover, not a fighter. Apparently, in Croatia, the Filipoviches' daughter was taken from them, and they had to sign away their home and all their belongings in order to get her back. But they didn't get her back until she had been raped and murdered. Good Lord, no wonder they're hesitant to sign any papers involving anything ever again. Everyone in the courtroom looks ready to cry, with the notable exception of the DCF lawyers. Amy tells DCF to find housing for the Filiopoviches and to give their son back to them immediately. One of the DCF lawyers starts to hem and haw about procedure, and says that "someone has to sign." Amy basically tells her to get the family an apartment by the end of the day, or else.
Amy runs into Maxine in the courthouse caf. "I was going to eat lunch," Maxine tells her, "but all I really wanted was chocolate cake." I've been there. Amy displays amazing insensitivity and tells her mother that if Maxine needed money, she should have asked. No matter what, Amy, you should have offered. Maxine says she doesn't want to talk about it again, that all she wants is "to eat cake." Yup, been there, too. Maxine blurts out that she lost $27,000 "and change" in the day-trading debacle. Amy announces she's going to start paying rent, and Maxine agrees. They dig into the cake together, a détente sealed by the sacred partaking of the pastry.
Halls of Justice: OCD Case. An OCD expert testifies that Brody is mentally ready to raise his daughter. Brody grins nervously. Ian yawns.
Back at DCF, Maxine has told Susie "I Am Not a Crook" Nixon about the situation with the Evanses. Susie tells Maxine to lie to Mr. Bellamy about the discrenpancy, because the Evanses are a good foster family, and they need to be rewarded for all the times they've bailed DCF out at the last minute. She tells Maxine to tell Bellamy that she, Maxine, was mistaken. Oh, like that's going to happen.
Carolyn Brody, the child in question in the OCD trial, is being questioned in Amy's chambers. She tells Amy she doesn't even know where her biological father lives. She's never seen him in person, only in pictures. Amy asks her if she's like to see him -- because he's right outside. Carolyn looks apprehensive, and stunned, but tells Amy with a lump in her throat, that she would. Bruce -- lines so far? ONE -- lets Brody into chambers. From all the way across the room, Brody tells Carolyn how pretty she is. She asks if she can hug him, and he hesitantly agrees. He takes his hand out of his pockets, and reveals that he is still wearing gloves. Amy gently suggests that he take them off -- which he does, extremely reluctantly. The little girl throws her arms around her father, but while he tells her that he loves her, and seems to be thrilled by the fact that they're touching for the first time, he doesn't really hug her back. Instead, he reacts the way someone would if they were being hugged while their hands were covered with paint -- he never actually touches her with him. He gets all misty as Carolyn squeezes him and tells him not to worry. Amy has to look away.
Maxine tells Mr. Bellamy that Susie told her to lie to him. Bellamy informs her that there has been a total surplus of $15,000 paid out, which constitutes fraud. Maxine tells him that the Evanses have been sending back the excess every month. Bellamy --- no dummy, he -- hypothesizes that someone has registered a numbered company, called it DCF and cashes the check for themselves. Gee, I wonder who could have done such a thing? Bellamy says they can find out if that's been done, as long as the company is registered in Connecticut. Maxine puts on her Nancy Drew face.
Halls of Justice; OCD case. Amy says that while both men have the ability to adequately act as Carolyn's parent, the law gives preference to blood relatives. Brody looks pleased. However, (knew that was coming, didn't you?), all things considered, Amy feels that Brody won't be able to handle the dirtiness and germs that naturally come with children. "Sometimes, what a skinned knee need most," she tells him, "is a kiss." She gives Capono guardianship, but grants Brody visitation rights. Sounds right to me.
Maxine marches into Susie's office and tells her that Susie can either resign, or Maxine can take "this upstairs." Susie gets all self-righteous and asks if Maxine really wants her to quit, just because some good people got some extra money. She clearly doesn't know that Nancy Drew and the Gang have been on the case. Maxine opens her Can of DCF Whoop-Ass and tells Susie that she wants her to resign because she's "been STEALING from CHILDREN." Susie snaps that she did it FOR children and launches into some crazy rigmarole about how she was skimming money off the top to cover parents and children who fell through the cracks, and she's not sorry for that. Neither Maxine nor I buy that, and Maxine informs Susie that, while the system isn't perfect, that doesn't excuse criminal activity. Susie tells Maxine that all she got out of it was a couple thou. Maxine, rightly, calls Susie an idiot for ruining her career over such a small payoff. Susie starts whining about taking the bus, and not eating lunch, and student loans and blah blah blah poorcakes. Maxine will have none of it, and snips that while she knows "what it's like to need money," (especially with a freeloading judge of a daughter), that it doesn't give her a license to steal it. Susie accuses Maxine of having been out to get her since the beginning (no, just since you told her she wasn't always right, Susie). Maxine says that Susie made it clear that it was "all about [Susie]," and that she clearly didn't care about children at all. Having delivered her smackdown, Maxine turns to leave, but Susie has suddenly morphed into a villain in a Scooby Doo cartoon and tells Maxine that the "people upstairs" will never believe it, that she's well liked, that Maxine will never get away with pinning this on her! Maxine walks out right in the middle of Susie's "I Would Have Gotten Away With It, Too, If It Weren't For You Stupid Kids" speech. Ah, Susie, time to pack up your desk. Did you really think you had a chance against Maxine? She never loses.
Halls of Justice. Everyone's waiting for the Croatian Tearjerker Case to reconvene, but the Filipoviches aren't there. Bruce finally gets a couple of words -- "It's five o'clock. What do you want to do?" Amy says she wants to get Goran home for the weekend. "Then we stay," Bruce says. Thank you, Bruce Van Exel! Twelve entire words! Go back to your tiny desk now and twiddle your thumbs in silence some more. As the clock ticks on 5 PM exactly, Ian starts packing up his little court reporter typewriter. Amy tells him that they're staying late. He says he's not. She says he is. He says he's not. She says he is. He tells her to take it up with his supervisor. Amy then takes a page from the Maxine Gray Handbook of Office Politics and asks Ian what the hell is wrong with him: "These people have endured wars! They've seen members of their families tortured, and killed!...I don't care about your plans, or your union! Sit down!" Good for you, Amy. In her corner, Donna does the "yes!" arm pump, pleased to see her idol besting her arch nemesis. Bruce totally cracks up over at his tiny little desk. DCF and the Filipoviches finally arrive; DCF has gotten the family an apartment. One of DCF's representatives bitches that she still thinks they're going to have to go through this entire thing again in a month. Amy gives her an utterly dismissive "whatever" look and sends Goran home with his parents. The Filipoviches cry and embrace en masse. Bruce looks very, very proud. He and Amy smile at one another. Damn it, give that man some lines, because he's acting the hell out of this scene and he doesn't even get to open his mouth.
At Vincent and Donna's apartment (remember? They're living together while Donna's convict husband is in the Big House), Donna asks Vincent if he ate her kumquats. She finds them behind the wheatgrass. I like Donna. God help me, but she's grown on me like some rare breed of awkward, convict-loving fungus. Someone knocks on the door. It's The Girlfriend. Not noticing Donna, she races in the room and tells Vincent that she thinks they ought to have sex. Donna throws herself and her large baggie of kumquats almost inside the refrigerator, she so doesn't want to be there. She announces that she's leaving. The Girlfriend apologizes for not seeing her there. Donna says that that's because she's not there, and she takes her kumquats and puts on a hat and skedaddles her way out of there. After her exit, The Girlfriend tells Vincent that she "wants to get it over with." Vincent is, naturally, less than jonesed by this non-romantic non-proposal. The Girlfriend explains that she doesn't know if she's really scared, or if it's normal nerves, or if she's ever going to feel not scared, or what, and that she thinks she ought to just "close [her] eyes, take a breath, and jump." If that's how the kids are doing it these days. "Wow," Vincent says. "Now I'm scared." Girlfriend looks stricken and says "Really?" Vincent smiles at her. "No, not really," he says, as he takes her hand and leads her off to his presumably still clean sheets.
At DCF, Susie "My Bad, I Guess I Am A Crook" Nixon is being led out by the fuzz. She sidles over to Maxine and twirls her handlebar mustache and hisses that "this is not over!" I bet it's not. I also bet that Maxine will squash you like a bug, again, the time. Some DCF Muckety Muck tells Maxine that he really would have preferred it if she had come to him and they could have handled this entire debacle internally. Maxine explains that Susie not only committed a crime, she also told Maxine that she wasn't afraid of DCF. Maxine apologizes to the Muckety Muck, but tells him that she had to be sure Susie got what she deserved. Muckety Muck looks Maxine up and down and tells her that she's got "one set of brass balls." And don't you forget it, Mister.
Peter is at home, working on what look like taxes at his desk. Amy trudges up the stairs and into the room. They exchange a terse couple of words before Amy tells Peter that Maxine is letting her pay for the entire roof, and that she sold some stock to do it. (Where is all her money going, that she had to sell stock? No expenses, Lauren's in public school, the lawyers in her custody battle can't be that expensive. What the hell?) Anyway, Amy explains that she's figures she owed Maxine, after all. No kidding, freeloader. She admits that Peter was right. Peter tersely accepts her apology, and then asks her if she "really thought he was the cool one?" She promises him that he was totally cool, with his band and his music, doing his own thing. Oh, Jesus, then they start talking about the band, and I will spare you the remainder of this painful, painful Judging Amy moment, except to say that the rest of the scene involves a very, very poor rendition of Jumpin' Jack Flash, some totally rhythmless dancing from Amy and the still very uncool Peter twanging about on his stupid gee-tar. They both dissolve into giggles as the screen fades to black.
I hate to admit it, but with the notable exception of the unfortunate song stylings of Peter, that was a really good episode. I guess those People's Choice Awards folks really know what they're doing, after all. Okay, maybe not. But it was still pretty good.