Woohoo, a Survivor lead-in! CBS is kicking out the jams for us! Hey, how about that Greg? Crazier than a...um, really crazy guy.
So, Amy and Vincent are poking around what looks like the Borders Books and Music on Colorado Avenue in Old Town Pasadena, California, a place where I spent roughly every weekend of my high school career which was not otherwise consumed by either rehearsal or homework. Wasn't I rad? I know they film the series in Los Angeles, and my mother tells me she sees the crew in Pasadena all the time, and aren't you just bloody fascinated by the fact that my girlfriends Jennifer and Joanna and I used to walk up and down Colorado Avenue every Friday night, desperately searching for something interesting to do, and failing, nearly always? Yeah, we were wicked cool. Anyway, Amy is looking for a book to give as a Christmas gift to her former mother- and father-in-law. She muses over a big, fat coffee table art book, as Vincent, who I missed horribly the week I was gone, tells her that she doesn't have to give anything to the parents of a man to whom she is no longer married. Amy is wearing her hair in two long braids, like Heidi, or something. She smugly informs Vincent that the Ex In-Laws are "crazy about her," despite the fact that she walked out on their child. Because, see, Vincent, everyone loves Amy. People prefer Amy to their own flesh and blood. Anyone, given the choice between saving his or her helpless infant from a burning building, and saving Amy, would save Amy. Amy tells Vincent that the Ex In-Laws "probably blame" Michael for their divorce. Vincent chuckles this "you have got to be crazy" chuckle, and asks if this "has been confirmed." Amy sneers and toddles out of the shot, condescendingly explaining to Vincent as she disappears that she knows the Ex In-Laws. She knows very well how they will react to her taking their grandchild, walking out on their son, demanding a divorce, and then putting their flesh and blood through a nasty custody agreement! They'll back her! Duh! Amy leads Vincent to another area of Borders and asks him to help her find a gift that says..."Love me, even though I dropped your son like a sack of cats?" Vincent says, helpfully. As Amy starts explaining, again, that, see, the Ex In-Laws loooove her, Vincent yelps and kind of floats over to a display of books. "Oh my God," he says, picking up a handsome paperback. Amy snatches it out of his hands, reading the title: "A Time of Luck and Kindness by VINCENT GRAY! Oh MY GOD!" she hollers, as Vincent turns green and says, "Oh my God," like, forty-five thousand more times. He shushes her, and explains that while he knew the book was coming out that month, he thought he's "get a warning" before it was actually on the shelves. Amy leafs through the book, grinning hugely. Vincent sort of moans. Amy then raises the book into the air and shouts to the quiet gaggle of Borders customers that "it's [her] brother's book! It's [her] baby brother's book" Vincent looks the way I did the time my mother did her Marlon Brando impression in front of the really, really cute clerk at the local video store, when I was fourteen and mortified by the mere fact that I had parents, never mind parents who thought it was funny to scream "Steeeeeelllllllllaaaa!" in the middle of a crowded video store, right in front of the cutest guy in the neighborhood. Vincent explains to the crowd that Amy is "out on a day pass" and shuffles towards the exit. Amy asks where he's going. "To vomit," says my love. Amy tries to sell a copy of Vincent's book to the woman to her.
And...we have credits, people. Good work.
Halls of Justice. Mom and Dad are separated. Dad secretly bought several open-ended airline tickets to Germany. Mom thinks Dad is planning to abduct the kids; Dad swears he's just taking them to visit family. Oh, yeah, Mom also thinks Dad is a Nazi. Dad's counsel argues the Mom is a bigot. Mom swears she isn't a bigot; Dad actually is a Nazi. A real, full-on, Heil Hitler, master race, "ve haf ways of making you talk," Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List Nazi Nazi. The problem is, though, that the Nazi isn't even in court to speak for himself. Amy asks that the Nazi's lawyer produce his client. Then, she says, they can talk turkey. Er, custody. Whatever.
Maxine sails into Hartford General Hospital. She's there to see "Ayesha al Jamal," a young...Yemenese? Yemenite? person from Yemen, who has been stabbed. Ayesha is being fussed over by her mother, a woman in full, er, Yemen-y ensemble, the name of which I know, but have unfortunately forgotten ["hijab" -- Wing Chun], an older sister, and a doctor who is fervently trying to convince Mrs. al Jamal to allow him to examine her daughter. Ayesha wonders why she has to talk to anyone else, since she's already spoken to the police. Maxine explains the entire children and family services dealio, the concept of which offends Ayesha, who whines that she is not a child, she's fifteen. And I am starting third grade in the fall. Ayesha's mother keens and strokes her daughter's hair. The doctor bitches because no one is letting him examine the patient, but Maxine smiles and asks him to let her take a stab -- oh, bad choice of words -- at talking to the family. Ayesha explains that her mother doesn't speak much English, but that she understands. Maxine informs Mrs. al Jamal that she's there to help Ayesha, which calms the wailing woman. Wow, why didn't the doctor say that? Anyway, Maxine asks Ayesha what happened. The girl rolls her eyes and says it was "stupid." I'd like to take this moment to comment that Ayesha is really, really pretty, and looks rather like my friend Joanna. Anyway, she tells Maxine that she tried to stab herself because people had been teasing her at school. Maxine is doubtful that Ayesha actually stabbed herself in the chest and arm, and gently tells the weepy girl that she can tell Maxine, if someone did this to her. Mrs. and Sister al Jamal weep. Ayesha reiterates sobbily that she "did it to herself."
Maxine is walking toward her car, when she is approached by Sister al Jamal. Sis wonders what Maxine plans to do about Ayesha. Maxine tells her that she knows Ayesha didn't stab herself, and that she plans to place her in temporary custody in order to protect her from further attacks. Sis non-sequiturs that Ayesha is no longer in danger, because "it has been proven she is a virgin." Maxine turns around and asks for clarification. Sis explains that "somehow word got around the Yemenite community that [her sister] had been with a man." However, she explains, that very morning, Ayesha was "examined by clerical authorities," who established that she was, in fact, still a virgin. Wow, that's not an embarassing examination for a fifteen-year-old or anything. Maxine looks stunned that Ayesha would have attacked herself, simply because other people thought she was a big old ho. Sis calmly explains that Ayesha believed she had brought dishonor upon the family, became hysterical and stabbed herself, needlessly. Maxine says she has to speak to the parents al Jamal. Sis wails that "it's best for [Maxine] to leave us all alone!" Maxine says she can't do that. Yeah, no kidding.
Halls of Justice. Amy has been asked to substitute for an ill judge on the judicial conduct council. They're seeing a case regarding a judge who has allegedly made sexual overtures to a prostitute in his chambers. Bruce tells Amy that when said Judge, MacNeil, arrived in Hartford, there was gossip that he had undergone some sex scandal at his appointment, but that he had been cleared of wrong-doing, and the matter had been dismissed, the record sealed. Amy exposits that as a member of the judicial conduct committee, she'll have access to those files. Bruce says that she will, indeed. And then he leaves. And we will never see him again.
Back at the Ranch, Gillian is looking at Vincent's book. She remarks vacuously that she likes the cover. Peter snits that he "can't believe [Vincent's] book just showed up like that," as though the book dropped in without calling first. He wonders where "the fanfare" was. Vincent, squirting cheese from a can onto a bunch of chips (my kind of a man. But you knew that), explains that only "big books" get any fanfare in the fiction world. Gillian tells Vincent he ought to get the book on Oprah. Vincent and I both snort, and my husband explains that first fiction rarely gets that kind of attention, so he's just hoping for good reviews and word of mouth. Peter glares at him and says "the title's confusing. What does it mean?" Vincent explains that it's from a poem by Rumi. Peter stares and says, "yeah, but what does it mean?" Vincent sighs and says "it's about moral relativism." Gillian trills that it "sounds good." Vincent takes his Cheez Wiz and goes out into the backyard, where he bangs his head against a brick wall and asks God why his relatives are so stupid. Amy enters, in an orange windbreaker and army-green stocking cap. She looks like those guys who have to pick up trash by the side of the highway. She wonders "what's up?" Yo, yo, Gillian waves Vincent's book in the air, as Peter bitterly explains that they're getting "a lesson in literature from Herman Melville." He glares at Vincent and stomps off, Gillian scampering behind him. Okay, Peter: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Vincent returns for more CheezWiz and remarks sarcastically that "there's nothing like the swell of familial pride." Amy reminds Vincent that Peter is an insurance salesman, and asks if Vincent understands Peter's work. Okay, Amy: HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN ONE'S BROTHER PUBLISHES A BOOK, ONE ACTS ENTHUSIASTIC, EVEN IF ONE IS TOO STUPID TO GET WHAT, EXACTLY, THE BOOK IS ABOUT, BECAUSE GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN SELLING INSURANCE! Amy snips that Vincent "enjoys being misunderstood." Vincent says he'll keep that in mind when the New York Times reviews his book, "any day now." Amy reassures him the review will be good. Vincent takes a swig of Guinness and moans that he could be "humiliated in the best paper in the country. In the world." He puts his head in his hands and wonders why he ever wanted to do this whole thing in the first place. Oh, Vincent, sweetheart, come home! We'll get a fire going in the fireplace, and I'll massage your feet. We'll have some wine, listen to some music, look at my etchings, and you'll forget all about this "book review" thing. Come on, honey, why are you freezing me out like this? Is it because I said those things about your sister? You know they're true.
In the living room, Gillian and Peter have asked Maxine if Evie, the woman who is carrying their baby, can stay at the Ranch for a little while; she'd stay with Peter and Gillian, expect for the fact that they're remodeling and blah, blah blah, Maxine can never say no to her children.
At the whole Judicial conduct meeting -- oh, honestly, does anyone care about this plot line? Well, I don't, and I'm writing this, so let's just say that this hooker alleges that the judge tossed her in jail, because she wouldn't, ahem, orally pleasure him in his office. Amy looks perturbed. She's probably thinking that's she'd like to get some oral -- never mind.
Back at the Ranch, Peter and Gillian get Evie settled in the guest room. Evie is a demanding and ungrateful houseguest, and Peter lets her walk all over everybody. That's all that happens. That's it. There's talking and whatnot, but it's all just so much noise.
So, Amy gives the Ex In-Laws a big fat coffee table book about the Pre-Raphealites when they arrive at the Ranch to pick up Lauren for the weekend. It's awkward, especially when Amy takes it upon herself to "explain what happened" with their son. Ex FIL tells Amy that "it's none of [his] business" what happened, and tries to change the subject by asking if Lauren likes Chinese food. Amy tries to bring the conversation back to her, but no go, as the Ex In-Laws begin to squabble about the correct wording of a cliché spouted by Ex FIL. Amy then tries to make some crazy metaphor about an iceberg, and the Ex In-Laws just stare at her, but they're rescued from her babbling by the entrance of Lauren and Maxine. Chatter, chatter, the child and her grandparents skip off for the weekend. Maxine, after they leave, comments that she "never liked them." Maxine, always trying to be supportive of her bratty, irritating children. It's really nice of her. I would have made Vincent my sole heir long ago.
DCF; The al Jamals have been brought in by the police, who suspect them of stabbing Ayesha. Susie "The Dark Lord" Nixon makes an Ishtar joke. Maxine tells her that she isn't cute, and that she had planned to just go and talk to the al Jamals, to treat them like any other parents. Susie calls them "Nomads" and makes rude commentary about the way the Yemenites treat women in their culture. Maxine glares at Susie's back, and says that her job is taking care of their children, not passing judgment on their cultural mores. Susie wipes her hair out of her eyes, inadvertently revealing the sign of the Beast on her forehead.
Nazi case. Kids have been kidnapped; Dad has called the police to let them know that the kids are okay, and loving the Fatherland. The police call the courtroom to tell Amy and all assembled the bad news Bruce makes the Patented Bruce Van Exel Smirk of Great Concern, and Amy rules that the Nazi is in for a world of hurt. And that's all we hear about this case. Let's raise a glass to loose ends, people.
Maxine meets the al Jamals. She tells them that Ayesha will not be released to her parents until DCF is sure she is not in danger. Blah, blah, blah "in my country," "in this country," "I speak for the family, my wife does not!," "woman, come with me," "you want to talk to me, come to my house," "I'll see you there, Mr. al Jamal." What. Ev. Er.
Judicial Conduct. Nobody has suddenly started to care, have they? Excellent. So, the case is pretty weak, and the council recesses. Behind closed doors, an old coot on the council wonders why they're all wasting their time, seeing as, and I quote (because to miss the beauty and grandeur of his speech would be to miss the true glory of judicial rhetoric), "we all know MacNeil's a pansy! Do you really believe he asked this bimbo to give him a helmet scrub?" Oh, man, that's the art of the spoken word. Anyhoo, turns out the mysterious sexual allegations in MacNeil's past were homosexual in nature, although he was exonerated in this case. Much conversation regarding the likelihood of the case having actual merit, seeing as MacNeil is more than likely, as the old coot puts it, "a Homo Sex-you-all," commences.
Maxine visits the al Jamals in their home. Mr. al Jamal tells her that the Yemenites are big on virginity before marriage, for women, and that if a woman does engage in premarital sex, the entire family is considered tainted and she and her sisters are all considered unmarriageable. He explains that the only way to erase such shame is by killing the girl. Mr. Al Jamal tells Maxine, however, that when he saw Ayesha in the hospital, he realized that no amount of honor is worth the life of a child. He says that Ayesha hurt herself in order to protect the rest of the family. Maxine asks if she can speak to Mrs. al Jamal, but Mr. al Jamal says that his wife does not speak English. Maxine raises her eyebrow and says that she thinks Mrs. al Jamal gets the gist. Mr. al Jamal repeats that women in the Yemenite community do not speak for the family. Maxine firmly tells Mr. al Jamal that she has been respectful of his culture's traditions, and she would like him to give her the same respect, and allow her to speak to his wife. She addresses Mrs. al Jamal, and does the whole "mother to mother" thing, telling her that Ayesha will not come home until Maxine understands the truth. Much Yemenese between the al Jamals. Mr. al Jamal tells Maxine that he thinks she's "said enough." Maxine agrees, and takes her leave. I run outside and pour gasoline on my lawn, spelling out the word "WHATEVER." Then I light it on fire and roast marshmallows in the flame of my derision. Mmmmmm, marshmallows.
God, there is so much left of this episode. Why isn't it over yet, God? WHY?
Back at the Ranch, Amy's having cold Chinese food as Evie hauls her hugely pregnant self down the stairs and complains that the TV in her room has no remote control. And she's wearing Amy's favorite Mod modtastic blouse. The horror! Maxine enters the kitchen, and Evie complains about the lack of heating in the house. Maxine, tight-lipped, promises to show Evie "how to work the thermostat," and gives her the fake smile she generally saves for Susie Nixon. So, Evie is lazy and irritating. Got that? Because I don't know if they've made it sufficiently clear. I just don't know.
At the Rancherito, who comes a knock, knock, knocking on Vincent's door, but the Girlfriend. Oh, how I hate her. I'd forgotten how much until just now. It's visceral, this hate, making me want to unleash my Fists of Fury upon her unsuspecting little rat face! Anyway, Donna clearly doesn't share my hatred, as she embraces the Girlfriend in the doorway, and tells her that Vincent is in the midst of reading his New York Times review, and that he won't say anything to her about it. Girlfriend shoves Donna roughly to the side and barges inside. She hovers near Vincent, who's all curled up on the fetal position on the sofa, and asks if the review is good. Vincent says that it is. Not willing to accept merely "good," the Girlfriend asks "how good?" Vincent smiles and says, nervously, that it's "real good." Donna, bless her heart, breathes a sign of relief and makes the sign of the cross. The Girlfriend sits her scrawny ass down on the sofa and simpers. She takes the paper from Vincent, and in a tone most people would reserve for reading aloud, oh, say, phone numbers at random, monotones the phrase "auspicious debut" "original voice" and "nuanced and convincing." Vincent does his sideways grin, and tells the women in his life (and yeah, I am so including myself in that number) that another paper, The Spectator also reviewed him. Donna classifies The Spectator as "very literary. British. Snotty." Girlfriend simps that she's never heard of it. She asks what they said. Vincent groans that "they said [he] wrote [his] second book first." At this, Donna stamps her foot. "Those bastards," she hisses. Hee. The Girlfriend doesn't even know what that sentence means. Vincent explains that they called him careful, calculated and without courage. His sweet little face looks all crestfallen. Donna looks devastated, but the Girlfriend tells him that no one has ever heard of The Spectator, so who cares? She snaps at him to enjoy the moment. Donna sits down and tells Vincent that writing something for all the world to see is an act of courage in and of itself. Hey, thanks for that, Donna! Then she says that "finding fault with other people's work is cowardly," and hey, Donna? Bite me. She then says that "it's easier to criticize than create," and while I get what she's saying, and, yes, bite me again, I'd also like to say that artfully done criticism is as much a creation as anything else. I don't think John Updike reviews books in The New Yorker because it's all easy and shit. Then Donna makes the salient point that "if Englishmen had any taste, they'd be circumcised." She then randomly stand up and runs off to her room. Um, okay then. Can I take another moment to go off topic here and ask a question? Huh? I mean, I'd heard that there are more uncircumcised European men than American ones, but I thought that was restricted to the Continent. Then again, I've never had the pleasure of...I mean, all the...every time...you know what? Never mind.
Judicial conduct fishcakes. MacNeil's opportunity to clear his name. He resigns rather than discuss the case at hand, or the whole homosexual thing, or anything. The Ominous Piano of Martyrdom clonks, and MacNeil storms out of the room. I don't care. Do you care? Nobody cares. I wish they could do this stupid show without this boring courtroom stuff. Because it ain't Law and Order here, people.
Ranch. Maxine yells at Peter for overly coddling the spoiled Evie. To take attention off of himself, Peter presents Vincent's review, which Maxine and Amy pounce on. Enter Spoiled Evie. Oh, how I wish I could think of a clever Eve/Tree of Knowledge/Paradise Lost joke here, but I'm getting stupider every week and this was a bad one. Week, I mean. See, with the stupid? God. Anyway, Evie wants to borrow Gillian's car. She stamps and whines and bitches like a spoiled baby. Peter bends over and takes it. Maxine suggests that Evie take the bus, and then starts talking about Evie as though Evie were not there, telling Peter that Evie is manipulating him, and that she's not so stupid as to give her baby to someone else, when she can clearly see what a good gig the kid will have with Peter and Gillian. I beg to differ, since I would probably run away if Peter were my father, but whatever. Evie gets all bratty and actually says, "It's my baby and I'll do whatever I want with it and you can't stop me!" and runs up the stairs to cut the all hair off her Barbie dolls in a fit of pique. Peter glares and shambles up the stairs after her. Amy snips that Maxine ought to butt out, and actually tells her mother that she "doesn't know everything." And then the sky opened, and blood fell like rain from the heavens, and the earth cracked, and crumbled, and Amy was struck dead, as if by the hand of God. Actually, she rattles on for a while, about being supportive, and about their not being able to understand being infertile and yadda, yadda yadda. Maxine greets this outpouring with a glare and one raised eyebrow. She snatches the folded newspaper from Amy's hands, and as God is my witness, I thought she was going to smack her with it. Sadly, no such luck, as she just stomps out the door. Amy stamps her feet. I stamp my feet. The neighbors pound on my ceiling with a broom handle.
DCF. The Devil slithers up to Maxine and wonders when Ayesha al Jamal will be leaving the hospital. She tells Maxine that she's found a placement for the girl. Maxine protests that she's working on the case herself. The Devil winds her way around Maxine's leg and hisses that the girl was stabbed for having sex, and needs to be out of that environment. Unwinding her serpentine foe from her limb, Maxine explains that, first of all, Ayesha never had sex, and second, it's not their place to try to change the cultural ideals and practices of the al Jamals, that dealing with diversity is an important part of their job. The Devil's forked little tongue tells Maxine that she has one more day to work on the al Jamals. After that, it's hellfire and brimstone. She then turns into a bat and flies off into the night.
Amy goes to see MacNeil. They talk. No one cares. But I have a contract with Mighty Big TV, and so I must, at least, give you the gist of the conversation: MacNeil is gay. He already went through a big old trauma to clear his name. He doesn't want to do it again. He wants to protect his dignity. Because retiring after being accused of propositioning a hooker in his office is soooooo dignified.
DCF. Brother al Jamal and Mrs. al Jamal have come to see Maxine. Brother admits that it was he who attacked his sister, because he felt that the gossip regarding her virginity was a stain on the family. He was worried that his father would kill Ayesha, and he believed that if he merely hurt her, it would be enough. In fact, he stabbed her to save her life. He's all weepy-eyed. Mrs. al Jamal strokes his hair. He sobs that he loves his sister. Maxine says that they're going to have to talk to the police, but she tells Mrs. al Jamal that now, Ayesha can come home. Maxine Gray: 735,345. The Dark Lord: 0
Back at the Ranch, Maxine finds Evie sitting on the front porch. She's leaving. Forever! Maxine tells Evie that when she was younger, unwed mothers went to group homes, and their babies to orphanage, and she had to walk five miles, uphill, both ways, in the snow, to school, and all they had to eat was hay and they were grateful! She sighs that Peter and Gillian really want Evie's baby, and that she, Maxine, just didn't want to see anyone take advantage of that. Evie pouts. Maxine apologizes for hurting Evie's feelings, but explains that she would do anything to protect her children. She tells Evie that Peter and Gillian will be the same way. Evie whines that Maxine made her feel bad when all she is doing is giving Peter and Gillian something that they want; it's not like actually thinks they're all friends. Maxine huffs that if Evie wants the best for her child, she'll stay, but if she has "other priorities," then maybe she ought to go.
Ranch. Dinner table. Maxine reads from Vincent's book to the rest of the family. I'll spare you the prose, except to say that it sounds actually pretty good. Vincent squeezes his face up and looks like he'd rather rip out his own internal organs with a weed whacker than listen to his work read aloud, but everyone else is paying rapt attention. The whole family is thrilled by Vincent's talent, except Gillian who totally doesn't get the end of the story. Evie takes this cozy family moment to walk in and explain to dumb Gillian that the ending of the story is a "metaphor." Much rejoicing at her return commences. She is served pie. Vincent would like to move on to any other subject in the universe, including his brush with death, but the rest of the family clambers for another story. Vincent slides so far down in his chair that he almost ends up under the table. He's saved by the bell, as the doorbell rings, and Slater and Zach walk in, looking for Screech. Oops, I mean, the Ex In-Laws return Lauren.
Amy can't let the Ex In-Laws leave without further bludgeoning them with her need for attention. She actually follows them out to the car to attempt to explain her side of the divorce story. They freeze her out though, as the Ex MIL tells Amy that she "got what [she] wanted, so drop it, please." The Ex In-Laws jump in the car, and speed away. Amy stands, in the middle of winter, without a coat, on the walkway. "What I wanted?" she parrots, all mournful like. Um, Amy? Yeah, you were the one who asked for the divorce! What did you expect? A parade? The Congressional Medal of Honor? God! That's it; I'm voting you off the island.