The show started like a minute early, so my tape doesn't have the very beginning of the show, but I know that John went on America's Most Wanted to try to find someone out there who knows his identity. John explains about his amnesia. John Walsh asks if John has any clues to offer. John says that the song "My Funny Valentine" has some meaning, and then holds up a sketch of the woman who called out to him on the ferry. John Walsh asks America to help John Doe.
Frank shows up at a crime scene. Another detective says that a neighbor's cat came home with a finger, so the detective did a door-to-door search and they found a guy dead in his office. Frank checks out the body, and the other detective points out that the corpse looks terrified. Frank knows the dead guy -- he was a small-time private investigator. The other detective says that there are no prints or fibers, so it must have been a professional killing. Frank takes a key from around the corpse's neck and opens a hidden door. There's a small room back there filled with pictures of John Doe.
John looks around the room at all the pictures of himself. Lt. Bosslady comments on how John Doe shows up at every crime scene lately. Frank says that the P.I. was logging John's every move, but they don't know who was paying him. John says that someone is looking for him. Stu! Stu examines the body and says that the killer or killers didn't leave a trace. Frank thinks the P.I. was scared to death. Stu says that it was probably a massive coronary, but he doesn't know what induced it, since the P.I. was in pretty good shape. Maybe, but he's no Magnum. Frank picks up the P.I.'s shoes and socks, which were removed. John and Stu start jabbering about nerve endings and raised skin and blah blah blah until Frank (as usual) speaks up for the dummies in the audience and John explains that the victim was electrocuted. Lt. Bosslady theorizes that the victim was being interrogated and tortured, and was killed for not giving the right answers. Frank says that the answers were in the hidden room. Lt. Bosslady tells John that the good news is that someone knows his identity, but that bad news is that the person is a psycho. The other detective points out that there is only one entry in the P.I.'s organizer, for last Wednesday, with Madison P. John mumbles about the number of Madisons in the state. Lt. Bosslady leafs through the organizer and reads the names of the other appointments aloud. John puts together that the names actually stand for locations. Frank says that they're going to Madison Park, the last location entered.
At Madison Park, John talks to an artist who gives lessons in the park every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Frank says that they're having trouble getting witnesses to the clandestine meetings. John spots some of the students' paintings, and they all feature a figure that looks like the P.I. meeting with a guy in a black duster. Frank asks the teacher when they were painted, and the teacher confirms that it was the Wednesday. Frank says that it's hard to get a good luck at Black Duster in any of the paintings. John points out that Black Duster seems to be using sign language, and wonders what he's saying. Frank doesn't believe that the P.I. would have any reason to know sign language. Frank and John walk off, and we see that Black Duster was watching them the whole time.
Back at the station, Frank reports that the P.I.'s grandmother recently went deaf, so he took a sign language class. Lt. Bosslady walks up and introduces an officer who knows sign language. She and John talk to each other in sign language for a minute, and then she says that she's on it, and leaves. I have to say, John's sign language sucks. He is way too emphatic and slow with his gestures. John explains that he got an approximate height and weight on Black Duster from the paintings, and that there are three hearing-impaired supply stores in Seacouver. John sent the officer to check with the owners and see if any of them could ID Black Duster. Frank says he'll call some hearing specialists to see if they can help. Lt. Bosslady asks John what he's not telling them, and who would be so desperate to reach him. John says he'd tell her if he knew.
Stella! All of my favorite tertiary characters are on this week. John explains to her that the sign language officer got a list of seven possibilities for Black Duster, and he's cross-referencing it with the phone company's records on owners of TTY units. Stella points out that hacking into the phone company's records is illegal. John tells her to call the cops. Stella picks out two names that fit the criteria and reads them out to John. One name is Charles Giteau, and John realizes that it's the name of the guy who assassinated President James Garfield. Stella does a reverse trace on the phone number and gets an address. John says that it's a transient hotel on Beacon Hill. Stella says that she'll call Frank, but John stops her. Stella says that she has to, and John promises to grab Frank on the way out.
John goes to Beacon Hill alone. The manager lets him into Giteau's room. John notes the TTY unit. He looks through the rest of the room and realizes that one of the ceiling tiles has been moved around because the water stain pattern is messed up. He reaches up and pulls out a case that used to hold a gun, but is now empty. Some photographs also fall out. John picks them up. They're pictures of the woman from the ferry, and they appear in partial color to John. One of the pictures features a house number.
John goes to the house that was in the picture and rings the doorbell. When no one answers, he walks right in. The house seems empty. He sees pictures of Ferry Woman all over the place, and John is in some of them too. He picks up a photo of Ferry Woman, a dog, and himself. A teakettle whistles, so John walks into the kitchen. Mrs. Palmer is sitting there. John asks who she is, and she gives him the Lemon Face. Or maybe that's the only face she can make. That woman has the most puckery face I've ever seen.
Mrs. Palmer orders John to fix her tea with a touch of honey and a spritz of lemon. Okay, clearly she does not need the lemon, because -- see above. John slowly asks if she knows him, and if she recognizes him. Mrs. Palmer says that she knew him once upon a time. John asks if she knows Ferry Woman, and Mrs. Palmer says that Ferry Woman's name is Theresa. John asks if they're in Theresa's house, and Mrs. Palmer answers, "It would seem so, wouldn't it?" Well, that's not really a yes. John asks if it was his house and his dog. Mrs. Palmer doesn't answer his questions, instead saying, "You were always my favorite, Thomas. So direct." Since John isn't waiting on her, she gets up and pours her own damn tea. Mrs. Palmer compares John to a pet from the pound that is suddenly called by a brand new name. John asks where Theresa is. Mrs. Palmer just says, "In due time." John wants to know now, but Mrs. Palmer tells him that they'll take baby steps, and orders him to sit down and have tea with her. John practically hyperventilates as he starts to blather on about a man in a trench coat. Mrs. Palmer keeps calling him Thomas as she urges him to settle down. John freaks out and yells at Mrs. Palmer to tell him where Theresa is right now. Mrs. Palmer says that his "reaction is quite understandable," but she must warn him. John's all, "What are you talking about, warn me?" Um, maybe if you shut up for one minute, she would explain. Mrs. Palmer tells John not to make this ugly, and John says he's going to call the cops. He whips out his cell phone and urges Frank to pick up, when suddenly he's hit from behind with a stun gun and collapses to the floor. The stun gun operator was Black Duster. Mrs. Palmer picks up the cell phone and snaps it closed, saying, "Goodbye, Frank." She's such a drama queen.
John comes to and finds himself lying on a cot in an entirely white room that appears to have no doors or windows, but it does seem to have a skylight in the incredibly high ceiling. Mrs. Palmer speaks to him over some sort of loudspeaker. John asks where he is, and Mrs. Palmer tells him that it's a place where he can't hurt himself, and that he can leave at anytime. John pushes on one of the walls and demands to know where he is. Um, asked and answered, counselor? Mrs. Palmer thinks that John would have developed some patience by now, and orders him to take a seat. John finally shuts up and obeys. Mrs. Palmer says that she has some answers, beginning with his name: "Thomas Crowder. Son of Henry and Caroline. Born Valentine's Day, 1971. Sweetwater, Idaho." Wait, wait, WAIT! Hold the phone, here. He's supposed to be thirty-one years old? I thought he was like forty-two. Maybe they should have picked a younger-looking actor. That took me like five minutes to process on first viewing. Mrs. Palmer intones, "John Doe, this is your life."
The lights dim, and some home movies play on the wall. Mrs. Palmer says that John was a farmer's son. We see pictures of John as a kid with his parents. Mrs. Palmer says that John was riding horses by the age of five, but then he was diagnosed with adolescent white matter disease, which attacks the brain tissue and is terminal. His parents exhausted all of their medical options, and were then contacted by Mrs. Palmer's organization, which is called The Program. They enrolled John in an experimental therapy, along with six other children with the same disease. Only three of them survived: John, Theresa from Des Moines, and Michael from Baton Rouge. The scar on John's chest is a result of the removal of a device that monitored pH levels. That's an awfully fancy scar for a surgical incision. Usually, those tend to be pretty straight lines. Over time, The Program noted some unexplained side effects in John, including "monochromatic vision, certain unexplained phobias, and a profoundly advanced intellectual development in the cerebral cortex." Aren't all phobias unexplained? Otherwise wouldn't they just be fears? We see footage of the three kids in a classroom, and also goofing around. Mrs. Palmer says that the three kids were destined to cure diseases and end starvation, until the day that John disappeared three years ago. They think that he was in a fugue state, and that his amnesia is another side effect of the treatment. Theresa and the rest had nearly given up hope. So if he disappeared only three years ago, why does the footage of him (if it is in fact him) end when he's about eleven years old? Why don't they have any footage of him as a teenager or young man?
The film ends, and the lights come back up. John says that he's some kind of experiment. Mrs. Palmer tells him not to look at it like that, and he turns to find her standing behind him. John asks why they have to have such secrecy, and why the P.I. was killed. Mrs. Palmer says that was "the unfortunate byproduct of an overzealous employee." John asks if he's really just supposed to accept everything they've told him. Mrs. Palmer encourages him to investigate their claims and "find [his] peace of mind." John starts to yell at her again, but when he turns around, she's gone. Mrs. Palmer is like David Blaine or something. John asks how he's supposed to get out, when he sees a partially open door. He charges out, only to find himself in an alley filled with garbage.
Cut to John pulling into Sweetwater, Idaho. He pulls into a farmhouse and kills the engine. He gets out and checks the mailbox, which says Crowder. The music is totally from either The Natural or Field of Dreams or that type of movie. I expect Ray Liotta to step out of the cornfield in a minute. John wanders over to a tire swing, and then sees the words "Tommy Crowder was here" carved into the barn. A man enters on a horse, because, you know, on farms people just ride horses everywhere instead of walking or driving. The man calls out, "Tommy! Lord, is that you?" He introduces himself as Lorne Barker, and asks if John recognizes him. John doesn't. Lorne says that he knows all about what happened to John, because John's parents told him about the amnesia. Lorne offers to start over and introduces himself again, adding that he owns the property door. John asks if Lorne knows his parents and where they are.
John and Lorne stand in front of two gravestones, because also, in the farmlands, they don't have cemeteries. Which used to be true, in like the 1800s, but not so much anymore. Anyway, Lorne explains that John's father died just after John disappeared three years ago, and his mother died just last summer. John kneels down and stares at their gravestones, and says that he doesn't remember.
Lorne and his wife, Cassie, get John some tea while John looks at some photo albums in their house. Lorne tells Cassie that she looks like she's seen a ghost, and Cassie says that she thought John was "up with the angels." Okay, writers. She might live on a farm, but she's not retarded. John apologizes for not remembering them. Lorne tells him to take it easy. Cassie just shouts out, "Her little cupid." Okay, maybe she is retarded. John's all, "Huh?" and Cassie explains that his mother called him that because he was born on Valentine's Day, and she used to sing "My Funny Valentine" to him at bedtime. John gets choked up and says that he knows that song. Lorne thinks this is a sign that John's memory is returning. John remembers that he mentioned that song on television, and it's weird how their stories match up with the few things he knows about himself. Lorne asks sharply what John is trying to say. John says that he finds it all a bit coincidental. Lorne gets all mad that John might be calling him a liar, and Cassie tells Lorne to simmah. Cassie grabs a cookie jar that says "Be My Valentine" on the back in a childish hand. Cassie explains that John made that for his mother when he was six, and tells him to believe in that cookie jar if he can't believe them. John apologizes and says he's "almost afraid to believe," but he wants to hear more. Lorne tells John that one time he marched up Main Street in the Fourth of July parade, and his trousers fell down around his ankles. They all share a good chuckle over that one. Ah ha ha! Public nudity.
The morning. John and Lorne walk out to the corral. John says he slept better than he has in a long time. John sees a horse bucking around the corral, and Lorne explains that John can help them lead the horse into a pen, because they have someone coming by later that day to break the horse. John is surprised that Lorne doesn't break them himself, and starts spouting statistics about it, until Lorne says that he's afraid he'd break a bone. Lorne hints that John might want to give it a try, but John's not too sure. Lorne says that John used to be a great rider, ever since his father bought him his first pony, Pogo. John reviews the instructions aloud. Lorne hands John his cowboy hat, and John enters the corral. This is so dumb. Who cares if John breaks the horse or not? Dude can hotwire and fly a helicopter on the first try, so his ability to break a horse isn't going to convince me that he's Tommy Crowder. John gets bucked off the horse and wants to quit, but Lorne convinces him not to. He gets bucked again, and gets back on. This happens a few more times until, to the surprise of no one, John manages to get the horse under control. The cowboys all cheer, and the Field of Dreams music starts back up again. Lorne takes his cowboy hat back.
Cassie tells John that he always liked vanilla milkshakes, his mother's meatloaf, and hot dogs. Is there a person alive who doesn't like those things? Unless you're a vegetarian or something. John says that he still likes hot dogs. Cassie says that John also liked Theresa, and that they were the best of friends, and then more. Cassie says that John told his mother he was going to pop the question one day. John asks if Theresa said yes. Cassie says that John disappeared before he ever asked her, and then Theresa went looking for him and no one has seen her since. Well, if she were from Des Moines, why would any of them have seen her anyway?
John prepares to leave Sweetwater. Lorne and Cassie walk him to his car and try to convince him to stay. Cassie hopes that John doesn't forget them. John says that he'll be back after taking care of a few things. John supposes that if his mind is really capable of so much, he should be putting it to good use. Cassie hands him some baked goods and says, "Homemade. Something to remember us by." John gives Cassie a kiss and then gets in his car and drives off. The camera focuses on the mailbox that says "Barker," so you know that will be important later.
John waits in a line of cars to go over a bridge while entering the state of Washington. He sits on his car's hood and eats one of Cassie's cupcakes. He remembers her saying that they are homemade, and looks at the bottom of the cupcake. Suddenly, he tosses it aside and bangs a U-turn, headed back to Sweetwater. The camera focuses on the cupcake wrapper, which says, "Best before November 15th." I won't get into how dumb it is that the date would be on the wrapper itself, or that The Program people wouldn't have noticed it, because whatever. John returns to the Barker place, but the mailbox is gone. He knocks on the front door, which is unlocked. He enters, and the place is complete bare. Man, those people work quickly. From a distance, Black Duster watches John through binoculars. He pulls out a computer and a cell phone, connects, and types in, "Abort!!!" And you know he was serious because of the three exclamation points.
John returns to Seacouver, and goes to the alleyway he ended up in when he exited the white room. He pries open the exit door and walks into a parking garage. He's very sweaty as he yells out, "Who are youuuuuu? What do you want from meeeeee?" Cut to John pulling up to the house where he met Mrs. Palmer; he yells out, "Theresa?" There are tons of cop cars and an ambulance surrounding the house. A cop stops John and asks if he's family. He says no, and then yes, and then asks what's going on. The cop says that it was a suicide attempt, and the cops are working on her now. John struggles with the cop and is taken down to the ground. Frank and Lt. Bosslady pull up, because they are apparently called to every crime scene. And is a suicide attempt really a crime scene? I guess it would be until they figured out for sure that it was a suicide. Frank yells to the cops to let John go, and then tells John that they were worried about him. John says that he knows the woman inside. Lt. Bosslady says that it's a suicide. The coroners roll a body out on a gurney. John runs up and asks, "Theresa, what have they done to you?" He pulls the sheet off the dead body, and it's totally not Theresa. John says as much to Frank, who asks what's going on. Frank reminds John that someone might be after him. John says to himself that they're playing with his head, and wonders how he could have believed it. Frank wants to understand. Join the club, Frank.
Lt. Bosslady calls from the doorway of the house, "Frank, you've got to see this. John, you too." John walks into the house, which looks completely different from when he was there before. John mutters to himself that it's not the same, that the whole house was a fake. There are tons of magazines and newspapers stacked around, and garbage all over the floor. I think they just reused the set from the first dead guy John found in the last episode, and added in some cats, because while crazy guys don't have cats, crazy women do. John walks into one room and finds a shrine with tons of candles and pictures of John on it. At the top is a sign that says, "Have you seen me? I'm missing." Frank tells John that he has his own personal stalker. A cop comes in and tells Lt. Bosslady that he found "some kind of gizmo." Just the word "gizmo" cracked me up for some reason. Lt. Bosslady inspects the gizmo, but she doesn't know what it is. Frank is a gizmo expert, I guess, because he immediately knows that it's a portable electric chair, and was probably used to kill the P.I., whom I had completely forgotten about at this point. John examines the shrine, then walks around the room. Something on the floor catches his eye, because it's in color. He picks up a small figure of a Phoenix, and the color fades as he holds it in his hand.
John sits in the police station, staring dully into space. Lt. Bosslady enters and asks if he wants anything, because he looks like he hasn't eaten in a week. John mutters, "Cupcakes. Homemade cupcakes." Lt. Bosslady says that the property records show the house was leased to Marjorie Sortlin, who has a history of stalking. John says, "They switched her with the woman from the ferry. They have Theresa's photograph. Maybe they have her." Maybe instead of talking in cryptograms, John could actually explain what happened. I'm just saying. Lt. Bosslady says that Marjorie is "some head case," and she hired the P.I. to find John, and then killed the P.I. so that no one would know she was coming for John . John says that he was in the house two days ago, and "they killed her." Okay, again, a more full explanation might help the cops understand. Lt. Bosslady asks who he's talking about, and John says that he doesn't know, but "there are people out there trying to manipulate [him]" and use him for some purpose. Lt. Bosslady says she can't help him without more specifics. Instead of starting from the top, John says that he has a picture, and grabs his coat to retrieve it. Of course, it's not there. John sits down and says that he doesn't know what's happening. Lt. Bosslady says that John vanished for the last seventy-two hours, and asks where he went. Instead of just answering the goddamn question, John says that he was trying to find himself. Lt. Bosslady asks if he did. John starts relating tales that Lorne told him about his horse and his parents. The Field of Dreams music starts up again. John says that he wanted it all to be true, but it's nothing. John says that he's having a hard time. Lt. Bosslady says that she's had those. She stands and starts to walk out, and then turns and says that her fiancée died of a gunshot wound, when he was on the force too. Lt. Bosslady says that she went back to work three days later, and she shouldn't have, because it was a problem for her and everyone around her. In conclusion, she thinks John should take some time and clear his head. She walks out.
John looks up the Phoenix online. For those of you unfamiliar with the myth, only one Phoenix lived at a time, and when it was about to die, it would start a fire and die in the flames. John leaves out the part where a new Phoenix would then rise from the ashes. John lists off the Phoenix, the woman from the ferry, and the song "My Funny Valentine," and wonders if they are all connected. He doesn't know if the woman's name is really Theresa, or if she has anything to do with this, but he thinks that since he saw her pictures in color, it has to mean something, so he wants to find her.
Black Duster and Mrs. Palmer walk into a park. Mrs. Palmer sits on a bench to a figure wrapped in a trench coat and wearing a stocking cap. They're both wearing gloves. They speak to each other in sign language. Stocking Cap says, "You failed to win his trust. To harness him. What happened?" Mrs. Palmer replies, "He's more intuitive than I anticipated. He didn't take the bait." Stocking Cap: "I warned you. The truth would have been easier." Mrs. Palmer: "Forgive me." Stocking Cap stands and walks away. Black Duster walks up behind Mrs. Palmer, unsheathes a knife, and sticks it into the back of Mrs. Palmer's neck. Her eyes go wide, and she slumps over. Black Duster puts the knife away, and we see that it has the symbol of a Phoenix on it. I totally think that Stocking Cap is Theresa, and I'm stating it here so I'll either look really smart, or really dumb, whenever we find out the truth.