John and Karen are at a casino, playing blackjack. Karen complains that going to a casino is not a typical lunch break, and that she's losing her rent money. John says that he's given her plenty of pointers. Karen scoffs at John's probability statistics, because she thinks that "gambling is all about luck." She then proceeds to hit on a fifteen, and ends up with twenty-five. Well, there's luck and then there's just stupidity. John quotes Boethius on the subject of chance, and Karen tells him to "Boe-ite [her]." Okay, that was kind of funny. John gets twenty-one, and then offers up advice to all of the other gamblers at the table, and they all win. He would have so gotten kicked out of the casino by now. The dealer busts, and everyone applauds John Doe. And then the dealer doesn't call the pit boss or security for some reason. John tries to get Karen to stay for one more hand by giving her some chips. Karen hits on a twelve, despite John's protestations. She gets twenty-one. John stands, and encourages everyone else at the table to do the same, so they do, each betting a whole stack of chips. Of course, the dealer gets twenty-one, and everyone but Karen loses. John sputters about "a statistical aberration." Okay, if he hadn't been kicked out by now, the other gamblers are surely going to kick his ass. Right? Wrong. Karen and John make a quick exit.
Two security guards walk through an art museum, discussing football. An alarm sounds alerting them to a security breach on the second level. A whole group of guards runs over the West Gallery and enters cautiously, guns drawn. One of them notes that "the ring is gone." None of the other artwork has been touched. But a female security guard, Cheryl Evans, is lying dead on the floor, victim of an apparent gunshot wound.
Frank surveys the crime scene, trying to get information from the museum's director about the victim. The director is more concerned about the missing Bishop's Ring than the dead security guard. Frank sets him straight. The director says that Cheryl worked for them for five or six years. Frank orders a cop to swab the exit in case the perp left fibers. The director says that didn't happen. Cut to the security guard HQ. The director explains that the gallery is magnetically sealed and bolted from the inside every night. The guards are locked in for four-hour shifts. Frank watches the tape of the shooting, taken from a security camera. On the screen, Cheryl drops to the ground, but a giant statue obstructs most of the view. Frank checks the other angles and wonders where the shooter is, and then asks if the main door is the only way in or out of the West Gallery. The security guard says that "a fruit fly couldn't get in without [them] knowing." Frank wonders why there isn't a camera trained on the Bishop's Ring. The guard says that there's supposed to be, and the director realizes that the camera has been moved off its axis. Frank says he's going to call a specialist, John Doe. The director asks who that is, and Frank replies, "Beats the hell out of me." No one talks like that. In the real world, the director would have been like, "Are you high? What in the hell are you talking about?" Then again, I'm asking for realism from this show, and I'm sure John could tell me that the probability of that happening is pretty low.
John and Frank stand in the West Gallery as Cheryl's corpse is wheeled out in a body bag. Frank runs down what they know: "A thief invisibly sneaks into a locked box. He kills a guard, evades three cameras, then pulls a vanishing act with a diamond ring as big as a kumquat." John babbles some facts about diamonds. A forensics guy calls Frank over and says that only the victim's prints were on the gun, so there must have been a struggle and the thief managed to turn Cheryl's gun back on her. John notices the details of the security system, and then says that the motion detector on the display case is miscalibrated. The director thinks that's impossible, so John has the detector armed and then gets Frank to move towards the case. No alarm sounds. He has Frank move towards one of the paintings, and the alarm goes off. John announces that by the time the alarm went off, the thief had the diamond in his hand. Aren't they making a lot of assumptions here about the gender of the thief? Frank asks sarcastically if the thief was both invisible, since he didn't show up on any cameras, and walked through the wall. John says he's just warming up.
Frank watches from Security HQ as John walks around the West Gallery. Frank watches as John shows up in each monitor. John stands about where Cheryl hit the dirt and tells Frank to close his eyes. Frank resignedly complies. When he opens them again, John is nowhere to be seen on any of the monitors. John waves to show that he's hiding inside the giant statue, and theorizes that the thief hid in there all day long.
Frank and John head back to the West Gallery. Frank says that the thief took the ring and hid back in the statue, but then wonders how the thief got out without anyone seeing him. John says that he's still working on that part. A young man shows up and says that he's there to pick up his mom from her shift, and that his mother is Cheryl Evans. Man, they carted away the body and no one thought to notify the of kin? Nice police work there. Frank explains what happened and offers his condolences.
John works on a blueprint of the West Gallery while Karen listens to a loud Romantics knockoff and makes breakfast. Just so you don't get the idea that she spent the night or something (thank God), John says that he appreciates her coming over early, but he's trying to work. Karen bops around and then slips and falls and breaks her neck. I wish. Really, she announces that breakfast is ready and then says something really dumb about her omelet invention that John refuses to eat. It contains peanut butter, and that's all I'll say about it. Karen asks what he's working on, and John explains about the break-in at the museum. "The" museum. Apparently, there's only one on Seacouver, so he doesn't need to be more specific than that. Karen suddenly stands up and makes an excuse for why she has to leave so quickly. Frank walks in as she practically runs out the door. Gee, it's almost like Karen is trying to hide something regarding the art museum. I wonder what that could be?
Frank tells John that he got a list from "the Feds" of "perps capable of pulling off a job like this." Frank has put his top three picks at the top of the list. John reads the names as Frank explains his reasoning for suspecting each one. One name pops out at John: Max Clark. Frank explains that he's a photographer who "likes to play that whole bad boy scene," including aggravated assault and drug use. John adds that the museum "pulled the plug on one of [Clark's] exhibits for being too controversial." Frank realizes that the museum director had reason to suggest Clark's name. Frank's phone rings, and he announces that Stella's got something. Hey, Hot Indian Computer Lady got a name while I was gone! Yay!
Lt. Bosslady (and I don't care if they've finally revealed her name -- I'm still calling her that) tells Frank, John, and Stella about all the media coverage the case is getting, and asks them to give her some good news. Stella found something interesting on a stairwell camera from the museum. Frank says that the footage is from thirty-two seconds after the alarm went off. On the monitor, we see a woman run down some stairs and hold a door open so that a man can exit. Lt. Bosslady guesses from her clothing that the woman is a tour guide. Frank notices that at one point, the woman faces the camera, and he asks Stella to zoom in. Stella does so with that super-graphics interpolation software that TV cops always have, which allows you to zoom in like a hundred times on grainy security camera footage and have it be crystal clear. Yeah, right. Anyway, the woman helping the guy escape is none other than Karen, to the surprise of no one who saw her beat a hasty retreat from John's pad a few minutes earlier. Frank gives John a look like, "Are you seeing this?" John gives a look back like, "I'm calling my agent, because this show just got really dumb."
Frank interrogates Karen at the police station. Karen says that she reserves the right to not say anything. Lawyer up, Karen! Wait, why am I rooting for Karen? I hate Karen! Send her away, Frank! Get her to sign a confession or something. Frank tells Karen about the various prison sentences she could be facing, including a life sentence for murder in the first degree. John watches from the one-way mirror in the room. Karen insists that she didn't do anything. Lt. Bosslady walks up, and John insists that Karen is innocent. Lt. Bosslady says that she knows Karen is John's employee, but wonders how well he knows her. John says, "Better than I know myself." Well, whoop dee doo. John knows pretty much everyone better than he knows himself. And frankly, he really doesn't know Karen that well. Lt. Bosslady reveals that they ran a background check, and Karen has been in some trouble, which isn't atypical of a foster kid. John is surprised to hear that Karen was in foster care. Lt. Bosslady lists off Karen's crimes, which includes trying to burn down one of her foster family's homes. John studies Karen's file and says that it can't be right. Lt. Bosslady reminds John that he feels loyalty to Karen, but people are complicated and first impressions can't always be trusted. John says he's learning that. Inside the box, Frank tells Karen that he knows she didn't kill anyone, but he thinks she knows more than she's letting on. Karen says emotionally that she doesn't know anything. Frank gets up and says that he's just trying to make it easier on her, and that her arraignment is in an hour. He leaves. Karen puts her head in her hands and cries. John watches, uncomfortable. In fact, John looks less like he's feeling conflicting emotions about Karen and more like he ate a bad clam.
At Karen's arraignment, the DA asks Karen to identify herself on the security tape. And that's all the questions the DA has. That's their whole case. Well, I guess it's just the arraignment. Still, you'd think they'd need something more than "she was in the museum at the time of the murder." The defense attorney, clearly unprepared, hems and haws and has to look in his files to find Karen's name. He asks Karen to tell them what happened. Karen says that she's a junior docent at the museum so that she can get backstage passes to the exhibits, since she's an art student. Colin, her "almost ex-boyfriend," was hanging around after closing so that they could make up after a fight. When the alarm went off, they ran. Karen tells the judge that they didn't have anything to do with the robbery or the guard's death. John walks in and interrupts, claiming to be counsel for the defense. The judge asks the lawyers to approach the bench. The judge asks John who he is, and John says that no one knows. Okay, as with the casino, I have to think that would be enough to get him tossed out of court. The DA says that the arraignment's already in session. John quotes some statute saying that Karen has "a right to lay counsel." The judge asks to see a Washington State Bar card. John says that he legally fulfills the requirements for counsel, which he lists off, and then cites numerous precedents where a defendant wasn't given proper representation and the case was overturned at the appellate level. The judge asks Karen if she understands the consequences of having John represent her, and Karen says that she does. The judge rules that they can proceed.
John starts out by dropping a bunch of papers all over the place. He says that the alarm in the West Gallery sounded at 8:43 PM, and asks Karen where she was at that time. Karen says she was in the copy room, running off flyers for Colin's band. Way to abuse your copying privileges. John wants to enter the Xerox log report as Exhibit A, but the judge frostily informs him that they already have an Exhibit A -- the security video. John asks for the log to be Exhibit B, and adds that it shows that one hundred copies were run off using Karen's copy code at 8:42 PM. He asks Karen what size pants she wears. The DA objects on the grounds of relevance, John asks for a little latitude, and the judge allows it. Karen says that she wears a size four petite. John uses the inseam of Karen's pants and her shoe size to calculate that there is no way that Karen could have gotten from the copy room to the West Gallery in time to commit the murder. Well, that's assuming that it wasn't someone else using Karen's copy code. And who's to say that Colin didn't do it, and Karen was an accessory? The DA protests John's tactics, and the judge calls for order. The judge tells the DA that Karen was clearly just making out with her boyfriend after hours, and if the DA wants to try her for something, there needs to be more concrete evidence. Man, I want to be a judge. Mostly because of the gavel.
John comes over to Karen's apartment, and she reluctantly lets him in. Colin is sitting on the couch. John introduces himself as Karen's boss. Colin immediately leaves. Karen tries to clean up a bit. John asks why she didn't tell him about being at the museum that night. Karen doesn't answer. John points out that he just got her out of jail free. Karen says that he doesn't know where he came from and is obsessed with finding out, whereas she knows where she came from and would rather that no one found out. John doesn't understand. Karen says that she has to take the garbage out before the trash collector comes. John wonders why her trash is collected at 10 PM, but Karen leaves anyway. The phone rings, and the machine picks up. John listens to the message: "Karen. It's Max. Where the hell are you? Look, I was hoping to catch you tonight. I'm blowing out of town soon. I'm not really sure when I'm gonna be back. I'm doing a photo shoot here at the studio all night. Try and swing by, would you? It's important." John realizes about halfway through that it's the same Max he discussed with Frank earlier, and when the message ends, he replays it. John checks the suspect list he got from Frank as he listens.
At the police station, John walks in and tells Frank that he thinks Max Clark is the thief. Frank wonders why. John says "word on the street" is that Max is thinking about leaving town. Frank asks about John's source, and all John will say is, "A little bird." John asks if Frank is coming with him, and Frank follows.
Frank and John walk up to Max's studio, followed by a couple of uniforms. Frank yells at someone on the phone, then hangs up and informs John that Cheryl the Security Guard's body never got checked in at the coroner's office. Frank knocks on the studio door and flashes a badge to gain entrance. I guess the photographs on the wall and the people hanging around are supposed to be edgy, but they're so not. It's like, "Ooh, young girls with pierced noses and eyebrows!" Like that doesn't describe every college campus in the country these days. Frank interrupts Max Clark, who is played by Shug from It's Like, You Know. Yes, I used to watch that show. I'm the one. He's dressed all in black, because he's a bad boy. Frank flashes a badge. Max asks what he wants. Frank asks what Max is working on. Max says it's a study of the decoration of the human body. John notices that one of the girls has an infected piercing, and advises her to use a topical antibiotic. Frank brings up the robbery and murder at the museum. Max claims he doesn't know anything about it. Frank talks about Max's supposed vendetta against the museum, and Max says that he has more important things to worry about. John checks out some of the photographs on the wall. Frank tells Max that they're going downtown, and then calls out to John. Frank walks over and sees John staring at a photograph of Karen. I think I'm supposed to be shocked or something, but it's so not shocking. It's Karen, lying naked on a mattress, bound up in what looks like toilet paper. Frankly, I've seen more of Karen in most of the outfits she wears on this show. I mean, it's not like she's spread-eagled or something.
Lt. Bosslady talks to Max in the box as John and Frank watch from the room. She talks about the subject matter of his photographs, and he frustratedly says that it's just one aspect of his work. Frank and John decide that Max is lying because he keeps shrugging, touching his nose, and drinking water. Lt. Bosslady asks Max where he was on the night of the crime. Max says he had a photo shoot in his loft, and any of the models can corroborate that. Lt. Bosslady says that models are a perceptive bunch, and Max screams out that he was working. Lt. Bosslady advises Max not to play her, and Max says that he's not. A detective comes up and tells Frank that Max has five witnesses who can place him in the studio at the time of the robbery. Frank thinks that's convenient. The detective adds that the film Max was using has a date and time stamp. Frank curses softly.
John walks into his apartment to find Karen packing up boxes. He asks what she's doing. Karen says that she heard that Frank and John went to Max's studio, and adds that her two-week notice is on John's desk, because she quits. John is shocked, and says he won't accept her resignation. He reminds her that they're trying to solve a crime, and says he's sorry that one of her friends is involved. Karen accuses John of coming into her apartment, snooping around, and betraying their friendship to bust Max. She's sure that Max isn't capable of killing someone. John tries to point out the facts. Karen tells him to forget the facts. She explains that when she first came to Seacouver, she had no money and she fell in with a bad crowd. Max helped her out. John says that he saw the photographs at the loft, and asks how old she was in those pictures. Karen says that she'd be on the streets without Max. John refuses to believe that Max is a good guy. Karen tells John that all he knows are facts, and that he never feels anything because he's a robot. She points out the art on his wall. John tries to talk about why he likes the picture. Karen tells him that it's supposed to cause an emotional response. Whatever, Art Girl. John says he doesn't work any other way. Karen says she's leaving. John accuses her of just walking out again, and brings up the foster homes in her past, saying that when things get tough, she jumps ship. He says that she knows his story, but he doesn't know hers. Karen says that she saves that for her friends. John asks her to tell him what to do. Karen says that he needs to figure that out for himself. Oh, John. You're so much better off without her. Later, John stares at the painting on the wall and tries to figure out what he feels. He says that he feels nothing. Cut to John creating his own painting. The close-ups on John's face are hilarious, because I think he's supposed to be concentrating, but he looks like he's constipated. Anyway, John's painting is just a copy of the Mona Lisa.
John shows up at the police station with some blueprints and asks for Frank. John is told that Frank's at his kid's dance recital. John sits down at Frank's desk. A woman in a lab coat walks up and tells John that the coroner's office did not lose Cheryl's body, because they never got Cheryl's body. John insists that he saw the coroner's assistant at the museum. He looks at the woman's badge and then says that she's a genius. The woman is like, "Whatever. Of course."
John breaks into Max's loft. He asks if anyone's there and gets no answer. John goes into Max's darkroom and checks out the newly created negatives. He develops one, and it's a small picture of Max. John boots up Max's computer and manages to find a graphic file that looks just like the coroner's badge. John puts the small photo of Max to the badge and realizes that the photo fits the opening. John flashes back to the man he saw removing Cheryl's body, and realizes that it was Max.
John tells Frank about his findings. Frank gets on the phone and orders up an APB of anything that resembles a coroner's vehicle, and a sweep of all of the parking lots within a five-mile radius of Max's loft. John notices something on the ground nearby and says they might not have to look that hard. Frank hangs up. John explains that there's corrosion in the gutters. Frank blames it on acid rain. John says that it's probably caused by a highly concentrated salt mixture -- brine that is often used to cure pork. John says that the buildings weren't always lofts. Frank says that it's the old meatpacking district. John figures out where the different parts of the meatpacking plants used to be, including the loading dock. Frank realizes that Max could've driven a truck right into the basement.
John and Frank walk around the basement with their flashlights. John points out all the different parts of the meatpacking factory, including where the pigs were slaughtered. Frank doesn't want to hear it, because "as far as [he's] concerned, bacon comes from a magical, happy place." Best line of the night. John hears dripping from condensation. Frank realizes that they've found a refrigerator that's been boarded up. Frank uses a crowbar to remove some boards, and they enter the fridge. Inside, they find the fake coroner's van, and in the back of the van is Cheryl's body. John points out that Cheryl has been gutted. Ew! Frank thinks that Max used Cheryl's body as a photography subject. John says that actually, Max used Cheryl's body to get the diamond out of the museum without anyone seeing it. I kind of wish they hadn't had John say that yet, because up until that point, I had no idea where in the hell this was going. But as soon as John said that line, I pretty much figured out the rest of the episode. Except the cancer. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
John examines the body at the coroner's office. What, now they're just letting him do autopsies? Seems like you're asking for a lawsuit there. Of course, with his legal expertise, I'm sure John could avoid a jail sentence. Winona Ryder wishes she hired him. Frank catches the viewers up by asking if the woman swallowed the diamond. John points out that she has tongue abrasions from the diamond. The coroner returns and asks John if he's taking over. Frank theorizes that Max had Cheryl at gunpoint hidden behind the sculpture. Frank thinks that Max handcuffed Cheryl, made her swallow her the ring, and then killed her. The coroner says that Cheryl was about to die either way. She and John discuss Cheryl's condition in medical terms until Frank makes them explain in English; Cheryl had advanced stomach cancer and "three weeks to live, tops." John tells Frank to call Stella and get her to cue the security tapes.
In Stella's lair (well, it seems like it's underground, and Stella's so cool that she should have a lair), John says that Max didn't force Cheryl to do anything, and that he wasn't even in the museum when the alarm went off. John says that he was overthinking it, and that the reason they didn't see the killer on the tapes was because Cheryl shot herself. Lt. Bosslady asks why Cheryl would do that. Frank fills her in on the cancer issue. Stella shows them how the security camera angle was changed slightly each day, beginning five nights before the crime. By the night the ring was stolen, the ring wasn't visible on the tapes, because Cheryl was moving the camera slightly each night so that no one noticed. Lt. Bosslady comments that nine times out of ten, these thefts are an inside job. So how come no one considered that until this moment? Again, I don't think it's that John is so smart; it's just that these cops are so dumb. Frank wants to watch the tape of the crime again. John says that Cheryl had more than enough time to put the handcuffs on herself before firing the gun. Lt. Bosslady fills in that after Cheryl shot herself, Max posed as the coroner and came and picked up the body and the ring. Lt. Bosslady wonders if Max put Cheryl up to it, and says that they need to dig deeper into his record to see if he has any alternate residences or vehicles. Stella starts typing away.
John goes to Karen's apartment and yells through the door at her. He begs her to open the door because it's important. She eventually does. Inside, Karen says that she heard they found Cheryl's body, and that she never imagined Max would do something like that. John looks through some photographs of Karen and Max that were sitting out on the coffee table. Karen starts crying and apologizes for what she said before, since she obviously knows nothing about people. She adds that Max was never about money, and that he shared his wealth with anyone who needed it. John has a realization, and tells Karen that she was right, you can't judge people on the facts alone. John says there's something involved that's more important to Max than a million-dollar diamond. Karen asks if John is talking about kids. John says that Cheryl had a son.
John drives recklessly while Frank rides shotgun. They walk up to a house, and Cheryl's son opens the door. Frank says they want to talk to Max, who then walks into view. Cut to Max explaining that the people at the museum pulled Cheryl's health insurance, claiming that her cancer was a pre-existing condition. Frank asks what the diamond was going to pay for. Max says that Cheryl wanted to pay her medical bills and use the rest to send her son to college. Max adds that Cheryl's mind was made up, and she was going to commit the crime whether Max helped or not. Max concludes, "We were friends. More than that. No one got hurt. No one." Frank apologizes and says that a lot of people don't see it that way.
A uniform leads a handcuffed Max into the back of a cruiser. John asks Frank if he trusts his instincts. Frank says he's a cop, so instinct is all he has. John says he's talking about the instinct to protect someone and keep him or her safe. Frank says that if it came down to his wife and kids, he'd do what Max did or worse. John isn't sure he has that instinct in him. Frank points out that John protected Karen. Frank gets all philosophical and says the nice thing is that if you have someone's back, chances are that they have yours too.
John and Karen visit the museum and check out the ring, which has been returned. John starts spouting off facts about diamonds, and Karen tells him, "Not every picture needs a caption." But it's not a picture. Karen checks out a nearby painting and pronounces it "stellar," and then tells John that she's sorry he can't see the colors. John is sorry too. John admits that he's going to make mistakes, and asks Karen to promise to stick around until he's more comfortable with his situation. John thinks it might be too much to ask. Karen asks why he'd say that. John reminds her that she said they're not friends. Karen responds, "We're not! We're family." Karen points out another painting and asks John what he feels when he sees it. John says that he loves it. Karen asks why, and John says that it marks the moment. Karen leans into John, and he puts his arm around her as they study the painting. I guess that means Karen's not going to die or anything. Damn.
week: John works on a case involving missing brains and a little boy who might be his son.