There's a pre-credit sequence where John explains how he knows nothing about himself (except that he has a brand of some sort on his shoulder, and that he's mostly color-blind) and yet knows everything about everything else. Yeah, I watched the first two episodes, dude. I got that. Let's move on.
A psychiatrists asks a hypnotized John what he sees. He says he sees nothing. She asks about his first day of school. He sees nothing. Summer? Sunshine? Lemonade? Nothing. Everything is gray. The shrink asks about something more recent: John's twenty-first birthday. Has she gotten a good look at the mileage on John's face? It wasn't that recent. John, predictably, sees nothing. The shrink doesn't give up, and asks John whether he remembers New Year's Eve 1999. Nothing. One year ago? Nothing. The shrink wakes John up and asks how he feels. John says he feels fantastic, and asks when they start. The shrink says that he has no memories for her to work with. John asks about a number of different psychiatric approaches that she could try; she asks how he knows so much about her field. John says he knows a lot about everything except himself. Sigh. I think we got that at this point. John talks about how hard it is to look in the mirror every morning and see a stranger. He adds that it's also difficult to sustain a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, because as soon as they see his brand, they wonder what planet he's from. Like regular people don't have scars nowadays? I guess the bigger picture is that no one wants to take on a project like John. Actually, I can think of a lot of women who would love a hopeless case like John. The shrink scribbles out a prescription for Xanax. John sarcastically thanks her and walks out.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Seacouver, a homeless man wakes up in a dumpster. He discovers a woman's bare legs to him and he's all fired up, until he looks further north and discovers that the woman has been cut in half.
Flash-forward to Frank, investigating the scene. The homeless man (who has the cleanest white beard of any homeless man ever, which made me think for a second that they were going to do that plot where he's actually Santa Claus in disguise, until I realized that Christmas isn't until December) insists that he had nothing to do with the murder. Lt. Bosslady asks whether they've got an ID on the body. Frank jokes that he thinks it's the magician's assistant, who has been sawed in half. The two cops exchange "man, this job" pleasantries. The tech guy says that he might have something in a few hours.
Cut to Frank and Lt. Bosslady back at the station. Frank says that the techs found two types of DNA on the body -- that of the victim, and that of someone who is probably her killer. They put the DNA into the computer and came up with a dude named Daniel Bowen, who was arrested for vagrancy a while back. Do they really keep DNA records of criminals? I'm so behind the times. Lt. Bosslady asks whether they know where Bowen is currently located, and Frank says that he's in a nearby "self-admit loco barn." Ah, Frank. He's so sensitive to the plight of the mentally ill.
Frank and Lt. Bosslady observe Bowen through a security camera. Frank says that the problem with the "Bowen as killer" scenario is that Bowen was locked in his room on the night of the murder. But did they establish the time of death such that the murder definitely took place the night before the body was found? Because it seems like it would take a while to cut a body in half. Lt. Bosslady asks whether they are sure it's Bowen's DNA. Frank is positive, and adds that the security in the place is as "tight as a drum." Lt. Bosslady says that they do have a magician on their hands. And then on to the incredibly drab credit sequence that do nothing to help sell this show, and yet it still tends to beat its lead-in, ratings-wise.
Digger pours John a drink at the bar, describing it as "the perfect hangover cure." John downs it and says it's the worst thing he's ever tasted. Annoying Waitress Who's No Longer a Waitress And Thus Needs a New Nickname laughs. John correctly identifies the contents of the drink. A nearby waitress asks him about the ingredients in another drink, which John also knows. Of course he does! He knows stuff. We got it. These scenes are starting to get a little pointless. John also likes to add little facts about how famous people died. Digger comes over and asks John why he's so sour. John says that his whole life is a mystery. Digger's all, "Buck up, little camper," and John's all, "No, I must be a man of mystery and angst and brooding." Karen (the former Annoying Waitress) is all, "No, Digger's right. Buck up!" Digger's all, "You should have sex." No, he really said that. Karen agrees that John needs a crush. John starts spouting facts about mini-golf. Karen promises to find John a girlfriend, like, when did she turn into his pimp?
Frank enters the bar. John introduces Frank and Digger to one another. Digger says that he "flashed a badge" in St. Louis (which he pronounces "St. Louie," as in "Meet Me In..."). Frank is interested until Digger reveals that he subsequently did six months in jail. I don't know. Frank wants some help from John's "big brain." John resists, until Frank offers to buy him a mocha frappuccino. Who needs a girlfriend when you've got a partner who will buy you frothy coffee-based concoctions?
Frank and John arrive at the loony bin. John starts spouting off facts about the institution, including that a Dr. Jansen founded it. Frank laughs at John's freakish knowledge until John asks if they can avoid that topic. Sure, dude. Just stop spouting off useless facts! That's the best way to stop people from saying, "Wow, you really are a freak." Anyway, Frank gives John the bullet on the crime under investigation.
Inside, Arye Gross looks like he's aged about forty years since he appeared on the early episodes of Ellen, back when it was still called These Friends of Mine. Arye is playing Dr. Jansen, who runs the facility. Jansen doesn't want to let Frank and John talk to Bowen. Frank points out that Bowen's DNA was all over the victim. Jansen doesn't even want to disclose why Bowen is in there. Frank threatens him with a visit from the health and building inspectors. A nurse walks up and hands Jansen a folder. Jansen asks whether Frank has "the slightest idea of what [he does]." Jansen explains that he takes the Psych patients no one else wants and helps them recover their repressed memories and heal. John perks up at the mention of repressed memories. The nurse explains that Jansen has developed a new method for unlocking past traumas. John starts questioning the doctor. Frank interrupts to say that he wants to see Bowen. Jansen says that Bowen is halfway through treatment, and that questioning him about a crime he couldn't have committed will just undo the progress they've made thus far. Frank says that a court order is on its way. Jansen warns Frank not to screw up his patient, and walks away. John stares after Jansen longingly. Frank asks whether John buys into "this voodoo." John claims that he doesn't, but he can't hide those lying eyes, and his smile is a thin disguise. I thought by now, he'd realize, there ain't no way to hide those lying eyes. Sorry, I was listening to the easy-listening station while walking my dog today and some of the songs are still rattling around in my brain.
Frank and John meet with Bowen, who has many, many scars on his arms. John asks about the scars. Bowen says that they are from a butcher knife he stole from the cafeteria. Frank asks what happened to the knife, and Bowen crazies, "Gone. Poof." Frank asks Bowen where he was on Thursday night. Bowen says he was there in the hospital, where he always is. John asks Bowen what he's writing. Bowen says that it's a story. John asks what it's about. Bowen says it's about "the beginning of the end." Frank walks closer and asks Bowen if he hurt somebody. Bowen kind of nods and says that he did, and that he's sorry. He adds, "Cut in half." Frank gives John a look like, "Told you so." John asks Bowen whether he is able to leave his room at night. Bowen says that he can sometimes and concludes, "In my mind, I can go anywhere."
John and Frank talk to the institution's security guard. The guard says that surveillance cameras and alarm systems haven't yielded any evidence that Bowen got out that night, and that they also haven't found any butcher knife that could have been used as a murder weapon. Now, I'm no murderer, but can you really cut through a human body with a butcher knife? It seems like you'd need some type of saw to get through the spinal column. Not that I've thought about this before. Frank thinks that Jansen is suspicious. John starts babbling about a deformity Bowen has, commonly known as "foot drop," which would make it very difficult for Bowen to carry a body. Frank wants to take Bowen in for questioning anyway. John doesn't think Bowen did it. Frank says, "Oh, brother. Well, if he didn't do it, Doe, who did?" John picks up on the word "brother" and theorizes that Bowen has an identical twin with identical DNA who committed the crime. Frank points out that they barely have records on Dan Bowen, so how are they supposed to find a possible twin brother? John says that Dan Bowen was left-handed, which makes it more likely that he is a twin. The things you find out on this show! I swear.
John and Frank go to visit the Computer Records Lady, who also has not been given a name yet. She tap tap taps on her keyboard as John makes a flowchart on a whiteboard and Frank eats some takeout. Basically, they cross-reference the data that they have with birth and DMV records and find a set of twins who were placed up for adoption -- Daniel and Christopher. Christopher was an orphan until age sixteen, when he changed his last name to Beaureguard. Computer Records Lady prints out an old DMV record for Christopher Beaureguard and says that his landlord gave them the work address. Frank tells John and CRL that they're not normal. John and CRL stare at each other and giggle. Why can't CRL be his assistant instead of Karen? She's so much cooler. Frank and John take off to track down Christopher Beaureguard, and then there's a weird reaction shot where CRL looks totally bummed that they didn't ask her to come along, and then she turns back to her computer, because she has more work to do, I guess. I know how that feels. All recapping and no play makes Kim a dull girl.
Frank and John show up at a janitor's closet in some office building. Wow, that is one specific work address. The landlord must have been like, "Chris works out of the closet at the west end of the third floor." Inside, they find a woman who is challenged in some unclear way and tells them that they can't talk to Chris, because he's been dead for nine months. Call John Edward! Frank says that one of their suspects is locked up with no way out, and the other one is in a hole. So Frank's sensitivities extend from the mentally ill to the deceased. Female Janitor says, "No way out." Whatever.
Polly the Female Janitor pushes her cart out of the closet, mumbling about stretch marks and cottage cheese. Frank asks what that's about, and John says that she's talking about medical waste. John asks Polly if she works for plastic surgeons. Polly mumbles about cellulite and love handles. Frank confirms that Christopher has been dead for nine months, and asks if he ever mentioned having a twin brother. Polly says that they just worked together. The whole time, John watches Polly intently. Frank asks if Christopher held any grudges. Polly doesn't think so. Frank asks if he expressed any anger. Polly wonders why they are asking so many questions. Frank says that it's a police matter and thanks her for her time. John says, "Christopher isn't dead, is he?" Polly ignores him, and Frank wants to leave. John says that Polly bent at the waist to pick up a mop she dropped, which is a male trait, and adds that the distance from her eyebrows to her hairline is over three inches, which is the average length for a male. Polly says that Christopher is dead. Frank apologizes for John, who isn't giving it up. John says that he bets if they looked in Polly's medicine cabinet, they'd find progesterone, which is used by male-to-female transsexuals. Polly asks what he's talking about. John says that Polly is Christopher. Polly angrily says that Christopher is dead, and that she cut him out. I don't even want to know what that was referring to. Also, couldn't John just look for an Adam's apple like a normal person?
Polly is brought in for questioning. Lt. Bosslady notes that the twin who could've done it says that she didn't, and the one couldn't have will say whatever they want him to. John observes Daniel in another interview room. He notices that Daniel is missing a pinky fingernail. Lt. Bosslady asks what he's looking at. John gives some speech about how he can tell you every fact about twins, but he can't look in their eyes and tell you what's inside, any more than he can tell you what's inside himself. Well, he stops himself before that last part, because it's still apparently a big secret that he has no memories. John takes off and Lt. Bosslady gives a look like, "He's such a mystery. I must have him."
Frank and Lt. Bosslady pedeconference about the progress of their case. Lt. Bosslady says that they've put in for a search warrant for Polly's apartment and work locker. Frank reveals that Dr. Jansen has a record: he was arrested four years ago for threatening a clarinet teacher. Could there be a less scary crime? Oh, no! Not my clarinet teacher! He moonlights as a bouncer! Anyway, it wasn't Jansen's teacher. It was one of his patient's teachers, and Jansen felt the teacher was threatening his patient's progress. Lt. Bosslady says that they don't even have a connection between Bowen and the victim yet. Frank thinks they should watch Jansen; Lt. Bosslady says that until they have a case, they should watch everyone.
At Digger's bar, Karen looks nervously at a group of women. John walks in, and she admonishes him for being late. She explains that she set up a speed-dating night. John's not interested. Karen explains the concept: he spends five minutes with each potential date, chatting and (according to Karen), lying. At the end, he writes down the name of the three he liked, and if any of them wrote his name, too, they get together. Karen is way too invested in the possibility of John getting lucky.
Cue the wacky speed-dating montage. The first woman collects sugar spoons, and John gives her some facts about the number of eating utensils in the White House. The second one tells a boring story about waiting a long time for her food in a restaurant and then busts John staring at her rack. Okay, that was kind of funny. The third one asks about John's hobbies, and he says that he likes to test Stephen Hawking's theories. The fourth one says that she likes junk food. John says he likes spicy hot dogs, and they bond over that. She asks about his unusual name, and John says that his parents were "always full of surprises -- at least while [he] knew them." She asks about that, and John dodges the question by saying that he doesn't remember them. She asks where he grew up, and he says, "Twin Falls, Idaho." The woman is psyched, because that's her hometown, too. Oops. She is charmingly dorky. John says that his family moved to Istanbul. Interesting that he came up with Istanbul so quickly when it was featured in the last episode. Twin Falls Lady says that she thought he didn't know his parents. Oops, again. Karen catches up to John at the bar and asks how it's going. He's silent, and she realizes that it's not going well. Digger asks if John went "talking the Encyclopedia Britannica" again. John doesn't know what to say to the women, and Digger advises him to say what they want to hear. John says that they don't know what it's like to have no personality (Karen does), and that he had a connection with Twin Falls Lady for a second. John walks away, disgusted with himself. Digger tells Karen that his third wife had no personality, and they were married for four years.
John goes to see Dr. Jansen, who is not happy to see him. John asks whether Jansen knows that Daniel Bowen had a twin. Jansen recently became aware of that. John points out that Jansen didn't tell the cops. Jansen says it's irrelevant, because Daniel inflicts violence inward and not toward others. John questions Jansen about his methodology. Jansen says, "I resurrect the repressed past, forcing the patient to relive the memories in order to confront them." John asks more questions, but Jansen doesn't want to spill all of the details of his secret. John says that biofeedback and guided visualization haven't been proven to work. Jansen asks who John is, if he's not a detective. John doesn't answer. Jansen says there's "a yearning" about John, and asks what he's hiding. John admits that he has "retrograde amnesia." Jansen asks John about his first memory. John is silent. Jansen is fascinated, and talks about all of the hidden memories that John might have, and whether John wants to find out about them. John wonders why Jansen is so interested. Jansen says that John has the "consummate psychological ailment," and Jansen wants to prove that he has "the consummate cure."
Jansen introduces John to the sensory deprivation chamber. John gets in and gets hooked up to a bunch of sensors. Jansen stands in an observation booth nearby and talks to John via microphone. John starts to kind of freak out, as would I, because I'm claustrophobic. Jansen talks John through it. We see some flashes of John's memory. The island where we first saw him. The forest. The desert. A shadowy figure reaching out toward us. Commercial. I so thought this commercial was part of the show at first. Until the Jeep logo appeared.
John wakes up, still in the chamber. He starts calling out, and no one answers. We see that there is no one in the observation booth. John starts pounding on the chamber's lid and continues yelling. A security guard shows up and lets John out. John asks where Jansen is. The nurse we saw earlier steps into the room and says that John was in the chamber for two hours. John rushes into the observation booth and asks if Jansen records his sessions. The nurse looks and sees that the tape is gone. John looks at the readouts from his sensors and realizes that there is brainwave activity, which means that he was having memories. He searches the videotapes on the shelf, and finds one belonging to Daniel Bowen -- and he apparently just takes it, which seems to be against some sort of law to me.
At the station, Frank asks John why he went back to the institution in the first place. John says he wanted to experience Jansen's therapy first-hand to better understand the case. Frank asks if this is about the case or about John's lack of memories. And this matters why? John says that he got Bowen's tape, but Frank says that they already had a search warrant for it. Frank is annoyed that John went back alone. John says that there are things about him Frank doesn't understand. Frank gets a phone call and tells John that they got something.
Frank and John arrive in an alley, where they discover Lt. Bosslady and other cops looking at the top half of a body. Frank thinks it's the other half of the body they found previously, but the tech explains that this is a fresh kill, and thus a new second victim. That corpse is the worst-looking thing I've ever seen. I made a better corpse for the Haunted House my seventh-grade class put on to raise money for our class trip to Toronto. Lt. Bosslady says that the victim's purse was left behind, and tells Frank to work that angle. She also wants the tech to rush the DNA results, so that they can see if Bowen was involved. Frank points out that Jansen doesn't have much of an alibi.
Computer Records Lady, John and Frank watch Daniel Bowen's tape. Daniel talks about being cut in half and other nonsense. Frank can't believe John voluntarily got in "that cuckoo's coffin." John says that Daniel might be talking about being cut in half from Polly/Christopher. Frank says the theory is that Jansen is avenging his patients, and orders CRL to start looking for a link between the second victim and the brothers Bowen.
Frank tells someone on the phone that he's looking for Dr. Jansen. John and CRL walk up and tell Frank that the first victim worked in the Child Social Services office in 1982. CRL explains that the cross-referenced her with missing-persons reports filed in the last seventy-two hours, and discovered that Victim #2 also worked in Child Services twenty years ago. Frank thinks that Jansen is making a statement by cutting the victims in half, and that there might be more to the statement. Okay, I still don't understand why Polly/Christopher has been eliminated as a suspect. John thinks they should go to the site of Child Services in 1982, a building that has now been abandoned.
A team of cops searches the building. One cop calls the rest of them over. John and Frank arrive to discover yet another corpse -- one that has been constructed from the missing halves of the two victims. Frank concludes, "There's your statement." I know some people were upset about how graphic this episode was, but I just thought the bodies looked so fake that it didn't bother me. But I'm hard as nails.
Frank tells Lt. Bosslady that both victims worked at Child Services, and that they were the ones who made the decision to split up the twins. There was, however, a third administrator named Peter Druzinski, and they have units headed over to his house. John stops and notices Polly/Christopher being processed by the cops. He focuses in on her hands and notices that she has long, fake nails. He flashes back to Daniel's missing fingernail, and then flashes back to Jansen's nurse, who was also missing a nail.
John goes back to the institution and tells the nurse that Dr. Jansen is now the main suspect, because they think he's been exacting revenge on the twins' behalf. John tells her that there is a third potential victim, but that he's camping at Olympic National Forest. Police are searching for him in the northwest basin, but John thinks he's in the southeast basin. John asks Nurse Miller if there's anything she can tell him about Jansen's whereabouts. Nurse Miller doesn't know. John tells her that Bowen is being released today. Nurse Miller thanks him, and John notices her missing fingernail again.
Out in the woods, a shadowy figure approaches the campsite of Peter Druzinski. Thankfully, Peter has labeled his canteen with a big piece of masking tape and a marker so that we know that it's his site. The shadowy figure is revealed to be Nurse Miller, who busts out a large butcher knife. She approaches Peter's tent and then just starts hacking at it indiscriminately. That doesn't seem like a good way to chop someone in half. John pops out from behind a tree and surprises Nurse Miller, who throws the knife at John and runs. Either he's really slow, or she's really fast, because she manages to get into her car and peel out before he catches her. John runs over to his own car, but an RV blocks it in. John runs over to a field where there is a convenient hang glider and...I just can't finish that sentence. Why was there a hang glider? The helicopter in the first episode wasn't enough? Anyway, John hang-glides down the mountain and lands on top of Nurse Miller's car. Oh, this is so dumb. Nurse Miller swerves all over the road and then crashes into a ditch, and John is thrown onto the ground.
Lt. Bosslady walks into the police station and asks John why he didn't call the cops. Because thus far, the cops have proven themselves both stupid and useless? It's not so much that John's a genius as that the cops are really, really dumb. Frank asks John to recap how he solved the crime for the benefit of the slow people in the audience. John explains about the hereditary condition that Nurse Miller, Daniel, and Polly all had that meant they were missing fingernails. Frank -- a little slow on the uptake -- realizes that Nurse Miller is Daniel and Polly's mother. John says that she gave them up as a kid and figured they'd always have each other. Lt. Bosslady fills in that Nurse Miller tracked them down and realized that they were split up, and it made her crazy.
In the interrogation room, Nurse Miller cries that Child Services ruined her children, and so she killed them with the same knife that Daniel used to cut himself. Frank asks about Dr. Jansen. Nurse Miller says she would never hurt him because he tried to help her children. John busts into the room and screams at Nurse Miller to tell him where Jansen went, and what happened to the tape of his session. Frank pushes John outside and says that he's about to give Nurse Miller's lawyer a technicality. John says that Nurse Miller didn't kill Jansen, which he knows based on a gut feeling. Frank points out that Nurse Miller is "a little accomplished in the fine art of evil." John leaves. Nurse Miller stands up and starts yelling that she didn't kill Dr. Jansen.
Daniel and Polly walk through the grounds of some institution. A nurse tells John that she thinks the siblings will be very happy there, and reveals that John has paid in advance for a number of years. John says that he's not a relative -- just a friend.
John searches newspaper accounts of the search for Dr. Jansen. He's still missing. At the bar, John plays piano. John is wearing a white shirt unbuttoned to his navel. The song ends, and Digger tests John on the ingredients for another drink. Digger points out that John's nearly successful speed date from the other night is back. John gives Karen a look, but Karen says she had nothing to do with it. John gets up to talk to her. Karen tells Digger that he wouldn't believe what it took to get the girl back in there. Man, she just doesn't quit. John talks to the girl, who compliments his piano playing. John starts to explain about his condition, and the girl isn't freaked out about it. Which no one would be, so I still don't get why it's a big secret. They laugh and talk.
Meanwhile, Dr. Jansen is buried in a shallow grave in the middle of the desert by two men dressed in white shirts and ties, just like the guys in Istanbul at the end of the last episode. The gravediggers get into a car, which is driven by the smirky woman at the end of the episode. I'm just going to call her Mrs. Palmer, because she played Laura Palmer's mom on Twin Peaks. We see that the tape of John's session is also in the car.
week: John appears to be the perpetrator of a thirty-year-old crime.