A naked man wakes up, sits up, and looks around. He's very sweaty. He's standing. It's dark. He's in a clearing in a forest. This is starting to sound like one of those old text adventure games. The camera pans out to reveal that he's on an island, and that island is far from any other landmasses. The man starts walking through the forest as dawn breaks. He slips and falls. Naked. Man, that has got to hurt. He plunges over the edge of a cliff and lands in the ocean. He starts swimming. Why he doesn't just swim back to the island, I don't know, because the camera pans up to reveal that it's the only land around. What is he swimming toward? And why? Cut to later, when the man is exhausted, hanging over a floating log or something. A fishing boat rolls up to him. The captioning lets me know that the men on the boat are speaking Khmer, because God knows I never would have figured that out on my own. Every time the camera shows us a scene from naked man's point of view, it's in black and white. The fishermen pull the naked guy aboard and cover him up. The fishermen speak to each other, and the naked guy asks where he is. But it's subtitled, because he asks the question in Khmer. The fishermen are surprised, and tell him that he's off the coast of Seattle, and then ask, "You speak Khmer?" Naked Man says (in Khmer) that he doesn't. They let him know that he's speaking it right now. Duh. Naked Man says (in Khmer) that he guesses he does speak it. He's a genius!
Back at the harbor, the fishermen unload their haul while some paramedics check out Naked Man. He is still seeing everything in black and white, and kind of in slow motion as well. A paramedic holds his hand out flat and asks how many fingers he's holding up. Naked Man gives the smart-ass answer of four, because one of them isn't a finger; it's a thumb. Except he gives a much more long-winded explanation. And he's not trying to be a smart-ass. And he looks surprised that he knows that information. The paramedic asks if Naked Man knows what day it is. Naked Man looks at the position of the sun and gives the date and time, right down to the second. The paramedic asks Naked Man's name, and he hesitates before admitting that he doesn't know. That would have been so shocking, except that it's the whole premise of the show, and has been featured in every promo ever.
Naked Man, who is no longer naked (but until we discover his character's name, I'm going to stick with that moniker), walks into a police station. He's now wearing hip waders and a raincoat. Sweet. He voice-overs that he figured he was shipwrecked or fell off a boat and hit his head, then washed up on a deserted island. At the counter, he tells the No-Nonsense Cop that he wants to report a missing person. She tells him to fill out a form, and he explains that he's the missing person. No-Nonsense Cop is completely unsympathetic and says, "If only I were so lucky." She hands him the form.
Naked Man heads out to the streets. He voice-overs that maybe he was "skinny-dipping with [his] best girl" and got caught up in a tsunami and washed out to sea. His best girl? Is he a refugee from the 1950s? He catches his reflection in a window and stares at it. He opens the raincoat to reveal a scar on his right pectoral. It looks like the letter C, but with some lines through the bottom and a circle in the top. There are some dots, but I can't tell if they are part of the scar or, like, zits. Someone calls out to Naked Man and asks if he knows the way to Westlake Center. Naked Man immediately gives perfect directions. He voice-overs that he knows everything, "from the exact ingredients in a box of Apple Jacks to the mating habits of a quagga zebra, and everything in between."
Naked Man walks up to the reference desk at the public library. He orders the librarian (who, of course, is a woman with her hair in a bun) to ask him anything. She asks his name. He flinches and tells her to ask a different question. A patron comes up and asks about a book. Naked Man starts reciting all of the information he knows about the book, and we see on the librarian's computer that he's correct. A crowd starts gathering and people throw out questions, and of course, he gets all of the answers correct. In some cases, he gives them more information than they asked for. Hey, nobody likes a know-it-all. In his case, literally. It's kind of annoying because the actors who get to play patrons asking questions all try to imbue their lines with something memorable for their clip reel, so they're all smirky. Finally, Debbie Downer yells out plaintively, "When will I die?" The fuck? What kind of trivia question is that? I thought it would've been funny if someone else had yelled out, "Not soon enough, honey!" Naked Man turns around and looks at her, considering the question. He voice-overs that he doesn't know the answer to that question.
Naked Man walks through the pouring rain. If he's so smart, why doesn't he go somewhere warm and dry? He voice-overs that he's not psychic, and again offers up some options as to what he might be: "Escaped mental patient? Alien that sees in black and white? Government lobotomy experiment?" He concludes that for someone with all the answers, he doesn't have the one that matters most. Yeah, how to survive on FOX Friday nights. Naked Man spots a horse racing form lying on the ground.
Cut to the betting window. Naked Man slaps down his wet form (he couldn't get a fresh one?) and some pocket change, stating that he wants to bet the trifecta. The counter guy is like, "Nice pocket change, dude." Naked Man explains how he scrounged the money, and takes his betting ticket. I just made up that name. I don't know what the slip of paper is really called. But I bet about a third of you totally bought that. Hey, maybe I know everything! Ask me a question. No, I don't know the answer to that. Crap. Back to recapping. Naked Man voice-overs that he's basing his bet on statistical probability. He rushes off to watch his race on the monitor. He practically has an orgasm when his horse comes in. He bets all of his winnings on the race. Orgasm face again. More betting. Orgasm face. More betting, and he's getting cocky this time, so you know he's going to lose it all. He voice-overs that there's only one sure thing in this life: "The fact that there are no sure things." His horse goes down on the track. Naked Man goes to place another bet, but he's a lot nicer to the counter guy this time. His horse comes in, and the counter guy pays out $12,000. Do they really hand out that kind of cash at betting parlors? You'd think he'd get a check or something. Because there's an OTB about five minutes from my house, and now I'm worried that it's going to get knocked over if they keep that kind of cash around. I do like the fact that the writers are acknowledging all of the things you'd do if you woke up in this situation -- that is, test the limits of your knowledge, and then try to figure out a way to use it to get rich fast. And have sex. Maybe that's what comes . Hey, I've already seen his ass. It's a logical progression.
Naked Man goes shopping. In voice-over, he wonders what his fashion tastes are. We see him in line at a government office, wearing Glark's puffy coat. I swear to God, Glark has that coat. And that beard and moustache. This dude is looking distinctly Glarkian. Anyway, he voice-overs that there's some huge number of inactive Social Security numbers, so he had his pick of names. And the name he picked? John Doe. Do they even let you officially take that name? Well, at least I don't have to call him Naked Man anymore.
John Doe goes to see a broker. Now he's wearing normal clothes and he's clean-shaven. The broker speaks to him in a patronizing manner. John gives him rapid-fire instructions about purchasing futures in some foreign market. The broker's like, "Jigga wha?" And John Doe's like, "Just do it, bizzatch!" Or something.
Cut to John Doe driving a fancy new car. The car salesman asks if he can handle driving a high performance racecar. John Doe puts it in gear and takes off, then promptly stalls in the middle of an intersection. He takes a moment to recall the specifics of driving, and then takes off down the street, weaving in and out of traffic. Like Mike Reno, he's loving every minute of it. The salesman asks where he learned to drive like that.
John Doe walks on a pier, carrying shopping bags. He voice-overs that he realized his knowledge wasn't confined to what he already knew. If he could learn it, he could do it, "at least with a little practice." A sausage vendor asks if he wants Polish or spicy. John Doe isn't sure what kind he likes. A kid walks up and orders sausages for himself and his lady friend. I think it's the same kid from the library scene, but I don't know that it's relevant. John Doe looks sad that the kid knows what kind of sausage he wants. Heh. Sausage. The vendor asks John Doe again what kind he wants. John Doe says very seriously, "I don't know the things I'm supposed to know, but I do know things I'm not supposed to know." The vendor's like, "Thanks for the koan, Confucius. Polish or spicy?"
John Doe wanders on the waterfront, and hears laughing in a nearby bar. He walks over and investigates. He sits right down at a piano and starts playing. A young waitress watches him as he starts playing "My Funny Valentine." John voice-overs that it's one thing to know the notes, and it's another thing to feel them. He wonders if he knows the song from before. He thinks he might have played it in a high school piano recital or danced to it at a college formal. I don't know when he went to college, but my college formal slow dances were more often to songs by Van Morrison than Rodgers and Hart. A scary guy walks up and tells John that he can really "bang those ivories," and offers John a job as a piano player. John takes it. The scary guy is named Digger.
John walks out of the bar and sees a sign advertising a loft for sale. Cut to a realtor showing him the space. John walks happily around the huge rooms. The realtor asks what he does for a living, and John says that he "recreates a lot." I don't know that I've ever heard that word "recreate" used quite that way. John says that he works in a think tank, and tells the realtor that he wants to buy the loft and all of the furniture too.
John sits at the bar and completes crossword puzzles. Why would that even be fun? It's not a challenge. He knows all of the answers. He also watches Jeopardy, which I think would be dull for him for the same reason. Now he's just showing off. The news breaks in to report on a nine-year-old girl named Jenny Nichols, who has been kidnapped. Ooh, timely. The girl "went missing during the morning gym class." John glances up perfunctorily, but then notices that he sees the picture of the little girl in color instead of black and white. Well, not real color. Kind of swirly color, like gasoline in a mud puddle. The young waitress walks in and yells out that she knows she's late. She shows John her art school homework, but he's too busy staring at the little girl's picture on the screen. He tells the waitress that he can see the kidnapping victim in color. The waitress points out that it's a color television. John says that there must be something about the girl. The waitress expresses sympathy for the little girl, and walks off. John voice-overs that there had to be some significance to the girl appearing in color. Yeah, the significance is that she's this week's plotline, so let's get moving. John wonders if she's related to his past: "A student of [his], a neighbor, or God forbid, what if she was [his] daughter?" Dun dun DUN!
John walks into the police station. He comes upon a detective making some excuse about why he can't get to his daughter's soccer game or something. John asks if the detective is in charge of the Jenny Nichols investigation. He is, and asks who John is. John response, "The guy who's gonna help you find her." Look, I've watched enough Homicide to know that a statement like that would vault John Doe to the top of the suspect list. I saw that episode where Steve from Sex and the City tried to help them find the sniper, and he was the sniper. Actually, the copycat sniper. Just watch the episode. It was a good one. Anyway. The detective doesn't have time for this, and dismisses John and walks away. John starts yelling out details about their suspect for another open murder case. He goes all CSI in explaining why the evidence points to a particular profile. The detective asks if John is a clairvoyant or something. John says, "Something."
The detective takes John into an evidence room and lets him look through the case file. They watch a surveillance video of Jenny running into a locker room, and the detective says that she never came back out. John asks about other potential exits, and the detective says that there aren't any, and that the cops tore the place apart looking for her. John says that Jenny is alive, but there's not much time.
John and the detective drive to the school. John hustles inside while explaining that there is a simple explanation for why they never saw Jenny come out -- she didn't come out. The detective doesn't think that's possible. John walks through the locker room, feeling around for hidden panels and such, and he explains that the building has been renovated. The detective doesn't see the significance. John kneels down and examines the floor. He explains (with a lot of detail) that there must be an old exhaust shaft under the floor. He walks into the electrical closet. The detective sits down and scoffs that of course they already checked in there. John surveys the fuse box and then notices something funny about the floor. As he bends down to check it out, a man bursts up out of the floor, carrying a little girl. John falls back into the fuse box, and the lights go out. The detective yells for back-up. John pauses to pick up some coins that fell out of the kidnapper's pocket. Outside, the detective barks orders into a walkie-talkie. John bursts out of an emergency exit and runs across a field, following the kidnapper. Before he can catch up, the kidnapper hops into a big purple car and peels out of the parking lot. John sees the car in color.
Back at the police station, the detective's boss wonders why, if John is so brilliant, they don't give him his own badge. The detective (Frank) says that John found the kidnapper in the first place. His boss points out that they lost him. She reveals that up until last week, she was Frank's partner, and now she's his boss. She points out what I said earlier, which is that it seems a little too convenient that John appeared out of nowhere, knew where the kidnapper was, and was the only person to see the getaway car. As she walks out, she puts a framed photo of an old man in uniform back on her desk. I'm guessing that's supposed to be relevant to her character later. Maybe it's her dad? Maybe it's the person who had her job before her? Maybe he was killed in the line of duty? Maybe it's her husband? I don't know, and we don't find out this week. But the camera totally lingered on it, and I've watched television before, so I know it will come up eventually, and I wanted to plant the seed now.
John sorts through the coins he picked up from the locker room floor. He studies one of them, which is inscribed with the letters HK. A woman, Jenny's mother, walks up to him and says that she heard John found Jenny, and she wants to know if Jenny is okay. John says that it was dark, so he doesn't really know. Jenny's mom studies Jenny's picture sadly. John looks over and sees the picture in color. He asks if they have met before, and Jenny's mom doesn't think so. She starts babbling about Watership Down, because she had been reading it to Jenny before bed. She says that Jenny is all she has, because she lost her husband two years ago, and she doesn't know if she can get through this. John comforts her by revealing a spoiler about Watership Down. Um, thanks? Maybe she didn't want to be spoiled. He should have used spoiler tags.
John voice-overs that he could relate to Jenny, who must be feeling lost and alone. He wonders where he came from yet again, like, this is already starting to get a little tired. John says that it was a clear day with no unusual meteorological occurrences. There were no UFO sightings, no distress calls, and no missing persons reported that matched his description. He did some research on his scar symbol, and found "an Egyptian hieroglyph from 29 BC" that was similar, as well as the logo for "a defunct Asian publishing house." John wonders if it's a birthmark, or a branding. He thinks that Jenny might be able to show him the way.
John voice-overs some information about the coin token that he found on the locker room floor. He gives a lot of details, but basically all you need to know is that he found out the token is used in a certain brand of washing machine located in hotels and motels. He goes through the phone book and asks for the model number on their washing machines. Like the desk clerks don't have anything better to do. He finally hits on the right one, and jots down the address, then takes off.
John shows up at the motel, and the desk clerk confirms that the token is one of theirs. Okay, seriously? The desk clerk looks like the same kid who was in the library, and then at the sausage vendor. But with a haircut. I don't think it's the same actor or anything -- they just look similar. John asks if the clerk has seen a purple Impala around. The clerk saw one parked outside Unit 12 yesterday.
John picks the lock on Unit 12 and enters the room. He searches under the beds, in the closet, and in the bathroom. He removes the drain trap from underneath the sink and sniffs it. Ew. He comments that it smells medicinal. He empties the contents into a cup. Again, ew. He studies it, and then sniffs it again.
Frank informs his boss that a lady who lives across the street from the school reported a black van idling outside her house two days in a row, and says that he's running the plates right now. Back at the motel, John rubs his fingers on the outlet. Meanwhile, Frank pulls a report off the printer and yells out that the owner of the van has a record, which includes lewd conduct involving a minor. You'd think that the first thing the detectives would have done would be to verify the whereabouts of all registered sexual offenders in the immediate area. John searches through a dumpster, and comes up with a cigarette butt. He sniffs it and declares that it's Swiss. A SWAT team busts down a door to a house and starts clearing the rooms. In a back room, they come across the suspect, and he has a gun. The SWAT team members shoot to kill. Later, Frank and his boss check out the suspect's walls, which are covered with pictures of young girls. A SWAT team member enters the room and says that there is no sign of the girl in the house. John calls Frank at that moment and says that he tracked the kidnapper to a motel on the west end, and that the kidnapper uses an overseas electrical adapter and smokes Swiss cigarettes. Frank informs John that they already got the kidnapper. John says that the desk clerk saw the Impala. Frank points out that there is more than one purple 1970 Impala in the city. There is? That's just sad. Frank tells John that he's way out of his league, and that the perp is dead. John asks quietly if they found Jenny. Frank admits that they haven't yet. John says that they won't, because they got the wrong guy. But we don't have to feel too bad, because the dead guy was a sleaze. I like how they worked that in there, lest we think that the cops killed an innocent guy or something. God forbid we add that level of moral complexity to a television show.
John examines something under a microscope. He says aloud that he's looking at the "gunk" from the motel sink. He makes some notes on a white board and then busts out a tape recorder and speaks into it. Some people on the forums were complaining that he shouldn't need a tape recorder, but I think his thing is not that he has a great memory -- it's that he knows facts. I think of him like an encyclopedia. He can tell you anything you want to know, provided you know where to look, but he can't necessarily draw conclusions based on those facts. Anyway. That's my theory. He notes that the medicine found in the motel sink gunk is used to treat skin abrasions and impetigo. He wonders aloud what "some foreign guy in a hotel room with a skin condition" has to do with a random little girl. Then he realizes that the girl might not be random.
He bops over to the computer and does a search on Jenny Nichols, but comes up empty. Some time passes, and the waitress from the club barges in with coffee. Did I miss the scene where they became close friends? It's so obvious that they only had her show up so John could talk to someone who knows less than he does so he'll have to explain stuff to her (and by extension, us) and so he can stop talking to himself, because it's kind of creepy. She complains that the kitchen sink downstairs is clogged, and John tells her to use yogurt because the bacteria breaks down the clog. Is that true? I'm totally trying that. I'll report back. John continues searching the Internet. The waitress says that she heard John is "a real live PI now." She looks around the loft, and John snaps at her. Then he finds some information online about Evan Nichols, Jenny's dead father. The waitress checks it out as John explains how he hacked into the Federal Court Archives. It turns out that Evan had a warrant out for his arrest for embezzlement two weeks before he died. The waitress checks out a sketch John made of the suspect, based on a description from the motel clerk. She annoyingly critiques his drawing skills. John pulls up a mug shot of Evan Nichols, and the sketch is a match.
John goes to visit Jenny's mom. She apologizes for her messy place, explaining that they were supposed to move in two days. She shows John some pictures that Jenny painted. One of them, a picture of Emerald Cove, appears to John in color. Mrs. Nichols explains that Jenny's father used to tell her stories about Emerald Cove, saying that it was "a place where princesses go to fly." John acts like he has a migraine for some reason, then asks what Mr. Nichols did for a living. She says he was an insurance investigator. John comments for the benefit viewers that Mr. Nichols probably knew something about building codes and structural designs. Mrs. Nichols doesn't know. John asks if he was close to Jenny. Mrs. Nichols says that Jenny was his everything. John asks how Mr. Nichols died. Dude, what's with the interrogation? She's a widower and her only child is missing. Cut her a little slack. Mrs. Nichols says that it was a car accident. John interrupts to say that he knows Mr. Nichols was about to be indicted. Why is he asking these questions if he's going to interrupt her before she answers them fully? He's bugging me. Mrs. Nichols is surprised, and says that her husband was a decent man who borrowed money and got in over his head. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? Because I don't. Mrs. Nichols says that she finally got up the courage to move away and move on when Jenny was abducted. John delivers his trump card, saying that maybe Mr. Nichols didn't die. He shows her the sketch and explains where it came from. Mrs. Nichols looks at it and starts crying, and then says that it's not possible because she saw his body. John asks if she's sure it was his body. So he's not only an embezzler and a liar -- he's also a corpse stealer?
At the police station, John explains to Frank and his boss (are we ever going to find out her name?) that Evan Nichols faked his death and moved to Switzerland to escape his prison sentence. John delivers yet another trump card -- Mrs. Nichols' authorization to exhume Evan's alleged body.
At the coroner's office (and by the way, fastest exhumation ever), John shows Frank's boss why the body isn't Evan's. It has to do with minerals found in the bones that indicate the dead person was a vegetarian. Mrs. Nichols confirms that her husband was not a vegetarian. That seems a little shady. And when did this show turn into CSI?
Frank's boss walks down the hallway, going all Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive ordering them to search every henhouse and outhouse. Or something like that. Frank gets a call and tells John that a meter maid found an Impala matching John's description.
Frank and John pull up to the Impala in John's snazzy car. Frank sees a man in a trench coat and fedora. It's The Shadow! Frank yells out to Evan, who ignores them and runs down to the marina. John and Frank give chase. Evan runs down the pier and knocks two poor extras carrying a sailboat over. Frank draws his gun as he and John try to surround Evan. Frank finds him, but Evan knocks over a table and some barrels and runs away. Frank runs right into the debris and is impaled in the thigh by a large fishing hook or anchor or something. John runs up to help Frank, but Frank tells him to go after Evan. John finds a piece of cloth and ties it around Frank's leg above the wound, and also pours sugar in it, which apparently helps the clotting. Frank says that, at some point, they have to discuss "who or what [John] really [is]." John tells Frank to keep pressure on it, and Frank tells John to go after Evan, who has just taken off in a boat.
John finds a helicopter. At the marina? Why not? It's thankfully unmanned, unlocked, and the keys are in it. Although I guess helicopter theft isn't a huge problem. John reviews how to fly the thing, and takes off. He shortly goes into a nosedive, but pulls out of it. How fast was that boat, anyway, that John couldn't catch up to it? He flies around a nearby island, and spots Evan's boat anchored offshore. Luckily, the island has a clearing big enough to land a helicopter, so John does.
On the shore, John finds Evan's hat and sniffs it. He says, "Of course. You're not taking her to Switzerland." He's like a bloodhound. Given the fact that Evan had, like, a two-minute head start on John, and John had a helicopter, I'm really impressed that Evan was able to anchor the boat, somehow get to shore, and settle down to watch his daughter play on the beach. John stumbles upon this scene and realizes that it's Emerald Cove, a fact that the rest of us non-geniuses figured out as soon as we saw the painting. John walks up to Evan, who says that they haven't met under the best of circumstances. Evan is clearly suffering from some health problems. He actually kind of looks like Steve Buscemi, sadly enough. Evan asks how John found him. John holds up the laundry token. Evan says that Jenny is okay, and it's been a big adventure for her. John asks if she knows that Evan is dying. Evan gives, to quote the captioning, a "surprised grunt." John explains that he found traces of a medical cream in the motel room, and connected that to the clumps of hair he found in Evan's hat, along with the sweat stains from jaundice. From this evidence, John deduced that Evan is in stage three chemotherapy, and has inoperable cancer. Evan nods. John asks if Evan has any idea what he put his wife through, not to mention his daughter. Evan says that his daughter thought he was dead, and this was the only way they could have this moment. John feels bad for yelling at him. Evan asks what happens now. John says he's taking her back. Evan coughs weakly. John says that the helicopter only has seats for two. Evan looks grateful. Moments later, Jenny runs up to John and say that her father told her that John is "the mystery man here to fly [her] home." John asks Jenny if she recognizes him, and she says no. John starts to explain, but Jenny totally interrupts and asks if she can go home now. Hee! They fly back in the helicopter.
Okay, a word about Evan Nichols, who I think was supposed to be a slightly sympathetic character in the end. I hope he dies a slow, painful death. First, he stole money. Then, he faked his own death, not to protect his wife and daughter, but to avoid jail time. So his wife and daughter were probably terribly grief-stricken, and if he had to steal money in the first place, he probably left them heavily in debt. Although maybe they got insurance. So then, dude gets cancer and decides that he needs to see his daughter one more time. His daughter, who is probably already messed up from his "death," now has severe psychological trauma. How is her mom going to explain this one? I hope they have a lot of money for therapy. Did it really do Jenny any good to have that one more day with her father? I don't think it did. It was incredibly selfish on her father's part. Wow, I put way too much thought and energy into that. It just really bugged me.
John voice-overs some questions about his vision issue. He wonders if there is a medical explanation for seeing in color, or if it's a hint to his past. At the hospital, Frank says that Evan was dead, then alive, and now he's dead again. John explains that he chased Evan out to the rocks; Evan slipped, and went under. Frank realizes that John is lying, but doesn't pursue it. Instead, Frank reveals that if John hadn't helped him with his leg wound, he would have died. John makes a joke, but Frank says that he's seriously sorry he doubted John.
On the way out, a guy from the coroner's office asks John if he knows where the morgue is. He's pushing a dead body on a gurney. John gives him directions, then stops and thinks. Cut to John in the morgue, talking to the dead body, who is a Jane Doe. Maybe it's his new girlfriend. Ew, I just grossed myself out. John babbles about missing dogs and then tells the corpse that it's been nice talking to her.
Back at the pier, the sausage vendor asks John if he wants Polish or spicy. John decides on spicy. He takes a bite and appears to like it. As he walks along, we see a ferry pulling away in the background. A woman on the ferry spots John and says, "Tommy? Tommy, is that you?" She starts pounding on the window, but John doesn't hear her. She runs out on the deck and screams, "Tommy! Tommy?" John spots her, and she appears in color. Well, her scarf does. She waves to him as the ferry pulls away. Couldn't he just hop the ferry? Maybe there's a helicopter nearby?
week: John talks to Digger about seeing the woman in color. And there are some gruesome deaths involving embalming.