By Kim
Previously on Joe Millionaire: The announcer tells us that the chemistry was red hot and the women put the moves on David, but beyond some knee-grabbing and chaste kissing, I don't really remember anything like that happening. The announcer also claims that there was a lot of tension between the women, but beyond Cat's moody silences and the reactions to Cat's moody silences, I don't remember a lot of that either. David eliminated Anique and then Linda came back, to the surprise of no one. David eliminated Petra, in what the announcer calls "the toughest elimination yet," but I think a little fiber in the diet might help out with that. Besides, I thought the toughest elimination was when he had to eliminate Linda even though he didn't want her to go. Or maybe that was the most dramatic one. Or heart-wrenching. Someone needs to buy the copy writer a thesaurus.
Paul sits on a soundstage in L.A. and welcomes us to the season finale. He says that Linda "jumped back in at the end of the race" and that Cat ran "the entire marathon." Paul wonders if David will choose Cat or Linda, and how the women will react when they learn that David has been lying the whole time. If there's not face-slapping and/or cursing involved, I'm not interested.
We begin with the last five minutes of the episode, where David eliminated Petra. Didn't we just see this in the "previously"s segment? There wasn't even a commercial break in between, during which people might have flipped over, to justify such shameless filler. David says that it's down to Linda, whom he was intrigued by at first sight, and Cat, with whom he has developed a relationship. Yes, going on, like, four solo dates definitely constitutes "a relationship."
Cat and Linda sit at a table. Cat heaves a big sigh. Linda says she feels like it's right that she and Cat are the last two standing. Cat feels, for some reason, that if the other finalist were anyone but Linda, then Cat would be the clear winner. We don't really get any explanation for why she feels that way. Cat says that the two of them have been the most real and genuine. Linda interviews that she didn't know Cat had any feelings for David, but that Cat seems to like him a lot. Cat interviews that David has to decide between her and Linda. Really? So is it between Cat and Linda? I'm glad they clarified that. Now that we're all clear on the decision, I'm sure they won't need to bring it up again.
By Kim
David sits in the green room (or whatever you call the room where he hangs out with Paul before and after the elimination ceremony) and massages his temples. He says that he's had a headache for a week, and he wonders how it came to this. Which is, of course, the universal cue for a giant recap of all that has happened before.
On Day One, David met the girls. And we all met Hurricane. Oh, Hurricane. I will miss you and you alone about this stupid show. David grabbed an extra chair for Cat and carried it across the porch. Jerusha said that she and David obviously weren't meant to be, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that she was the oldest contestant, and the only one who had skin darker than olive-toned. up were the group dates. David was surprised that the girls kept asking him about the money. In Pisa, David kept staring at Linda in a creepy way. Tereza said she probably got eliminated because she was cursing, drinking vodka, and not wearing underwear. That was probably the last interesting thing anyone said on this show. At the ranch date, Lina cried that it was supposed to be dream date, not shit date, which was probably the last humorous thing anyone said on this show. Cat was the only one to stay the night at the campsite. Linda told David that she wanted to leave, so he eliminated her at the ceremony.
The first set of individual dates followed. Petra cheered David up following Linda's departure. Olinda asked if she could get a Gucci bag if she managed to get out of bed. Cat and David kissed on their date. The remaining women confronted Cat about her rude behavior, which consisted of eye-rolling and silence. If that's rude, then I'm in big trouble. I also burp and curse. With four girls left, David took them on individual dates in Rome. He got to play gladiator with Olinda. David was really worried about Petra's questions at the Mouth of Truth, which frankly seems to be giving Petra credit for a whole lot of smarts that she does not possess. David eliminated Olinda.
By Kim
David took the remaining three women on "jet-set dates." David said that he and Anique were "intimate with each other," but that he thought she was just in it for the money, so he ditched her at the elimination ceremony. When David got back to the ranch, Linda was there waiting for him. Cat and Petra found out that Linda had returned to the game. They all went to Venice and had more individual dates. Linda wouldn't let David kiss her. David had a bit of a breakdown in his hotel room and started crying at the thought of telling the women that he was broke. He claimed he was "fixing to freak out and run," which would actually be pretty funny. I picture David running across the hills and valleys of Italy, sobbing the entire time, and Paul chasing after him in his butler's uniform, holding that silver tray with the ring on it. And Hurricane would start running after them both, and then just stop and go, "Why in the hell am I running? I hate that guy. I'm going to go see if Cat's free now."
So we're fifteen minutes in, and we've already concluded the recap of the entire season. What could possibly make up the remaining hour and forty-five minutes? I figure the telling of the women will take about fifteen minutes, and then another fifteen minutes while David waits to see if his chosen woman shows up. This episode could have easily been an hour long.
Music that sounds like it should be on The Mole plays as the cameraman walks around the villa, showing all the empty rooms. Cat and Linda eat breakfast. Cat muses that the villa seems empty with just two people. Linda interviews that as more girls got eliminated, it increased the stress. Linda also thinks Cat likes David, and she knows that Cat saw David's body and that they took a bath together. Cat interviews that she knows David likes Linda because he brought her back. Linda interviews that Cat has a chance, and that David kissed her and might be falling for her. Cat interviews that she's the opposite of Linda. Linda interviews that she hopes David doesn't think she's too shy. Cat interviews that she would be mad if she wasn't the last one, and that she hopes David doesn't break her heart.
By Kim
Throughout these dueling interviews, Linda and Cat have been eating breakfast in silence. Paul shows up and tells them that David wants to have some time with each of them, so Linda will be having lunch with him, and Cat will be having dinner with him. Paul interviews that Cat and Linda are similar in that they are both quiet, beautiful, and elegant, so he wouldn't like to predict the future. I wonder why they didn't show more of Paul's "thoughts" throughout the season. Even though I'm sure they're totally scripted, they could have been kind of funny. Cat and Linda head off to their rooms for some more deep thoughts. Linda interviews that she knows how she feels about David, but that she doesn't know about his feelings for her.
Linda primps in front of the mirror while waiting for her lunch date. Paul interviews that Linda is pretty, gentle, intelligent, and pleasant, and that she has self-respect. Linda walks outside and sits at a table, writing in her journal. There's a slow-motion shot of her putting honey into her tea. What the? David finally shows up, and they hug. Linda thanks him for the bracelet. I'm really amazed by Linda's shirt. It's a one-shoulder white top made out of t-shirt material, and she has to be wearing a bra underneath, but you can't see it at all. I can never figure out how people do that. Usually a strapless bra would be sort of lumpy and obvious and give you uniboob. Linda leans in and kisses David to thank him. David interviews that the kiss surprised him, but that Linda's at a disadvantage, because he hasn't had as much time with her.
David and Linda walk to a clearing in the woods, where a table is set up for them. David interviews that he likes Linda, but that she rejected him once, and that he's afraid that when he tells her about his big lie, she'll do it again. David reveals what a wonderful extemporaneous speaker he is when he tells Linda, "Put these things in my head sometimes, I think, 'cause I was, like, having a...a little doubt, like whether...'cause of, you know, with you and...stuff, you know what I'm saying?" No, I have absolutely no idea what you are saying. I don't think you know what you are saying. Linda asks if David doubted her. Linda voice-overs that David was acting strange, and that she felt uncomfortable.
Back at the villa, Cat remembers her relationship with David. She remembers how they rode Hurricane together, and says that they always had fun on their dates. She thinks that they have chemistry, and that he likes her the most. Cat stubs out her dirty, dirty cigarette because she's a dirty, dirty girl. Or so they would like you to think.
By Kim
Linda tells David that she's never been treated so nicely in her life before, which is so very sad. Linda says she feels like a lady as she plays with her diamond bracelet. David tells her that she deserves the best. David interviews that he feels like less of a guy, because Linda was in love with the special treatment and the gifts, and it was all a lie. David adds that Linda is "so, like, pure and she's so honest, and I'm lying to this girl and it ain't right." So that's why she's wearing the white shirt. So that we viewers understand that Linda is the pure one.
Linda voice-overs that there was still a weird nervous energy, and she suggests that they go for a walk. David interviews that it was their last date, and that he couldn't be comfortable. David asks if there are cowboys in the Czech Republic. Linda says there aren't. David mumbles something about how Linda must think he's crazy, and she says that she thinks he's honest and genuine. David drops dead from a heart attack. Linda is crushed by a falling anvil. Those are about the only two things that would keep viewers awake right now. Remember last season when they had the animals with Zora in the woods? What happened to that editing team? Did they not get rehired for this season? Because as cheesy as that was, at least it was somewhat unexpected and sort of funny.
Back at the villa, dirty Cat is smoking yet another cigarette. And she's taken her shoes off! And she has a toe ring on! She is so dirty. Linda walks back in and says hello. Cat voice-overs that Linda seemed nervous. Linda says that she doesn't think she's supposed to be there anymore. Linda interviews that she doesn't know if David will choose her. Linda says that she's never been treated so well and like a princess. Cat just sighs. Linda says that it will all be over in one day,and that they'll never see each other again. Cat asks if Linda is talking about the two of them. Linda says that she is, but that she's also talking about David. Linda says yet again that she's never been treated so nicely. See? She's grateful! Unlike that dirty whore, Cat. Who smokes. And has toe rings.
Paul tells Cat that it's time for her date. Cat asks for two more minutes. Linda would never ask for two more minutes! Paul interviews that Cat is "a curious individual" who "seems very worldly and quite sophisticated." Paul adds that she's "sort of foxy," by which he means that she has "the elegance of a fox." I'll translate for you. Cat is a dirty whore who has slept with a lot of guys, but she sure is a hot piece of ass. Cat interviews that she's never been to Texas, but that she would move there to be with David. Cat thinks that they've built something together, and she hopes that David sees that.
By Kim
David stands on a patio somewhere and waits for Cat. He voice-overs that his big decision is tomorrow, and that he has to figure out whom he wants. Cat shows up and they hug. Cat interviews that David was happy to see her and have another date. David proposes a toast to all their great times. David interviews that Cat is beautiful, and nice, and that they've been more intimate than he's been with Linda. Cat says that she would love to come to Texas. David voice-overs that it would be easier to tell Cat about the lie, because she would accept him and deal with it. Because she's so morally bankrupt that she couldn't judge someone else for doing something as innocuous as lying. Cat says that she was dreaming about horse riding last night. Hurricane's like, "Oh yeah!" David totally doesn't pick up on the obvious sexual innuendo and asks what Cat thought their best date was. Cat says that it was in Capri, which was the site of the bathing suit bubble bath. David says that he doesn't want this to end yet, and Cat says that she feels the same.
At the villa, Linda hangs out. She interviews that she was the first to catch David's attention, and that sometimes she understands what he means before he says anything. That's good, because half the time I don't understand what he's trying to say even after he's said it. Linda voice-overs that Cat should be hurt because Linda is back, but that Cat seems confident about her position.
Cat tells David that she's never had so many nice dates with a guy. Cat interviews that she respects David's honesty. Cat tells David that she brought him a gift, and she pulls it out. It's a CD. David pretends to be excited, and tells her that she's thoughtful. David interviews that Cat is sweet, and that he thinks that she likes him whether he has money or not. David asks Cat for advice on his situation, which doesn't seem like a good idea. Cat tells him to be honest. The editors cut in four or five shots of David looking like he's about to puke. Cat tells him he looks unhappy. David says that "a guy is stressed out." What guy? Where? Cat offers to do anything she can to help. Because she's dirty. David interviews that Cat really cares about him, and that she is loving and romantic. David gives Cat the flower from the centerpiece, which is pretty lame after the other gifts he's given. They hug good night.
That night, Cat sits on the steps outside the villa and smokes. Cat voice-overs that David seemed different and sad. Meanwhile, David tosses and turns in bed and says that this decision is killing him. Yeah, like he has anything to do with this decision. At the villa, Cat tells Linda that she wanted to help David, but that she didn't know how. Linda voice-overs that Cat seems upset, and that she didn't know Cat had such strong feelings for David. Cat may or may not be in tears. David lies in bed and pretends to mull over his decision, but it's really just another excuse for the editors to use footage of David minus his shirt. Cat and Linda continue talking. Linda interviews that she's confused, because she thought David's feelings for her were unique, but now she knows that he likes both Cat and herself.
By Kim
The morning, David rolls out of bed and scratches his head because the director obviously said, "Act confused! Yes! Great! And can you do that while also flexing your pectoral muscles? Excellent!" David interviews that it's been "a roller coaster," adding that he didn't realize it would be "this intense," and that he could get rejected. David splashes water on his face and the director asks if he could "accidentally" splash some on his chest as well. Or even better, just pour the whole bowl of water on himself. But look natural. David interviews, "A guy's gotta find a girl that likes a guy for a guy...likes a cowboy for just being himself." It's really bizarre how David talks about himself in the third person, but he doesn't even call himself "David." He calls himself "a guy" or "a cowboy," like he's so generic that he doesn't even merit a proper name.
At the villa, Linda and Cat eat breakfast silently. At first, I'm confused because both women are wearing white. How will I know which one is the good one? But then I realize that Cat is wearing off-white, and it all becomes clear. Linda interviews that David told her that he had some doubts, and that she's confused about that. Cat interviews that her heart would be broken if David eliminated her. Paul enters and tells the women that Samantha will be coming to see them in thirty minutes. Paul leaves, and Cat says that they are in a horror movie. No, a horror movie would probably be interesting. Or suspenseful. And have less filler. Linda says that it's a fairy tale, and I know right then that she's going to win, because I hate her. Cat says that there's no happy ending. Linda interviews that she can't stop thinking that there might be something happening between David and Cat, and that she hopes David's being honest with her.
Linda and Cat sit on a loveseat in a room that has never been seen before or since. Just to clear everything up, Linda is wearing yet another unflattering white top, and Cat is wearing a really low-cut red top. Cat is also wearing a cross, so I was confused for a minute, but then I decided that she's wearing it in the Madonna "Justify My Love" sense and not the Madonna, Mary Mother of God sense. Samantha walks in, her hair bouncing. She's wearing a pink top, so she's not as good as Linda but not as bad as Cat. She tells them that today David will offer one of them a promise ring, with the hope that they can build their relationship in the future. What? They don't even get an engagement ring? When did David turn into Bob Guiney? Samantha says that Cat and Linda will talk to David individually, and Paul will let them know when it's time. Samantha gives them one final, sad "Ciao!" and leaves. Linda asks Cat when it's all going down, and Cat shakes her head. Linda asks what a promise ring is. Cat just sighs and blinks. Linda asks if it's like an engagement ring, and Cat thinks that sounds right. They sit there for like ten more minutes in silence.
By Kim
David interviews that he's about to break some girl's heart, and that he feels awful about it. Linda interviews that she doesn't know what to expect in the elimination, but that she knows how she feels. Linda wanders the grounds in her entirely white outfit and voice-overs that when she left the show, she kept thinking about David and she knew they had a future together. Cat sits near a window in her slutty red top and smokes a cigarette. She voice-overs that David said they had great dates, and that she opened her heart to him. The subtext there is, "She opened her legs to him, too." Linda voice-overs that she thought it would be love at first sight or nothing. Cat voice-overs that she cares about David, and that she hopes he feels the same. Linda voice-overs that David showed her that love doesn't have to be at first sight, but that it can grow over time. Cat voice-overs that she would love to go to Texas.
We get a super low-angle camera shot of Paul walking across the room. I think that footage was shot on a soundstage, which is why they couldn't show the whole room. Either that, or the cameraman was really bored. I don't blame him. Paul walks through another room. And another one. It would be kind of funny if he got lost and was just wandering around the house. He knocks on Cat's door and says, "It's time." They show more footage of Cat lying in bed, to make it out like she was reluctant to get up. Paul stands around and keeps huffing out his breath like he's trying not to throw up. What was that about? Why would Paul be nervous? Is he nervous that his check won't clear? Cat puts on some makeup as Paul waits. She brushes her hair. Paul paces around. Finally, she's ready to go. She brings her purse with her, so I guess she's going to be tossed out of the villa as soon as the talk ends. Paul instructs her to sit on the same sofa she sat on before to get her message from Samantha. Paul leaves, and Cat pulls up her top. And sits there. And sits there. And commercial.
So I timed how long they showed Cat sitting there, and it was fifty-four seconds. Go ahead and stare at something that's unchanging for fifty-four seconds. It's pretty goddamn boring. Finally, David shows up with some roses. Cat gives him a hug. David notices that she's wearing the belt he bought for her. David tries to make small talk, like just get to the point, dude! David asks how her night was, and says with his usual eloquence, "Mine was, too, pretty...you, uh, this whole experience, you've done a lot for me, and um, and I've met someone very special. You're very, very special, very beautiful. You have every...I mean, you're very blessed with everything that you have and...I mean, a guy's lucky, you know, to be with you." I'll stop now, but you get the picture. Listening to David talk is like listening to paint dry. It's even more boring than watching paint dry. David says he feels like they've had a great time together. He adds, "I have another thing that I have to say, but, um, I don't mean this bad, but, like, I didn't choose you, Cat." Except imagine a ten-second pause after the word "say" in that sentence. Also, "I don't mean this bad"? I wish Cat would just slap him and walk out. David thanks her for understanding, and asks her to visit if she's ever in Texas. Cat gives him a look like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Now that he has the news out, David starts babbling about how he had a great time with her. What? He's not going to tell her he's poor? That's, like, the only interesting thing about this show -- I will never forget last season, watching Sarah try to pretend she wasn't stunned when Evan revealed the truth. Idiots. I still contend that they should film every contestant being informed as they are eliminated. That would be great television. David leaves, and Cat sits there. Cat interviews that the worst part is that she won't see David again. Really? The worst part? Cat interviews that she didn't know David loved Linda, and that she doesn't think Linda loves him, or she wouldn't have left that first time. Cat gets up and leaves, bringing her purse, but leaving the flowers there.
David is back in his Room of Contemplation. He voice-overs that Cat is great, and that they had special moments, but that he doesn't have the same feelings for her that he does for Linda. David goes on a ten-minute soliloquy of all of Linda's great qualities, as we see flashback footage of all ten minutes that they've actually spent together, since Linda was out of the running for so many episodes. David hopes Linda's feelings aren't hurt because of his lie, and he claims he'll be heartbroken, sad, disappointed, and depressed if Linda turns him down because he lied. David says that what he's done to Linda isn't right, but neglects to mention the part where he knew what he was getting into when he signed up for the show, so he should just shut up about it.
By Kim
Paul leads Linda into the room of reckoning and tells her to have a seat on the sofa. Linda only has to sit there for twenty-six seconds. David walks in with no flowers, and carrying his cowboy hat. Maybe that's like his security blanket. It seems like he's hiding something underneath the hat, because when he sets it down on the table, there's a loud clunk. They hug hello and sit down. David says he's going to tell her a story, and here are his words of romance: "When I first seen you, like, um, I met someone special, like, uh, just your glow or this presence, and, um, I just think that, like, you're an angel. You're like the most pure thing that I know and, um, um, I chose you." Linda smiles and laughs. David adds, "But, I also wrote a letter for you to take wherever it is." David searches his pockets for the letter, and worries that he forgot it, like the producers would let that happen. He finds it in his back pocket, and it's all folded up like a high-school note. They couldn't scrounge up an envelope? Also, how obvious is it that the producers had no faith in David's ability to deliver a speech without screwing it up? Not that I blame them. Linda reads the letter, in which David says that he loves her, and that they can make a long-distance relationship work if they have faith in God, but now the decision is up to her. Linda says that she thought the decision was up to David, but she's glad to make a decision, too.
David tells Linda that he hasn't been completely honest with her. Then there's about a ten-second pause before David says that he doesn't have $80 million. David starts crying and says he didn't want to let her down. Linda asks why she would be down. David says that he knows the money doesn't matter to her, but that he thought she would be upset that he lied for so long. David asks her not to say anything yet, but if she thinks she can be with him now that she knows the truth, she should come meet him tonight. Paul runs into the room before David can screw it up some more, and tells Linda that it's time for her to leave and make her decision. Linda does not seem at all upset about this revelation at this point. Paul walks her out. David sits there and picks at his cuticles for twenty-three seconds.
Linda sits in her room and looks at her jewelry. She interviews that she thought she and David had a connection, but now she doesn't know, and she's sad. Linda sits at a table and writes a letter as she voice-overs that she's confused that David was dishonest, and that she doubts she'll be able to respond the way David wants her to. Two different interviews were used in that segment, so I'm thinking that in the first one, Linda wasn't even talking about the current situation.
By Kim
David gets dressed to wait and see if Linda shows up. He voice-overs that he never believed in love at first sight until he met Linda, and that he never expected to come on this show and find love. David interviews that "this guy would be upset" if Linda rejected him. Again with that weird third-person thing.
David and Paul walk out onto the porch. David is wearing a tuxedo without a tie, which bothers me, for some reason. It's supposed to be such an important occasion, and he couldn't even wear a tie? David says that the porch looks nice. He voice-overs that he has strong feelings for Linda, and that he hopes she returns them. The camera alternates between showing David, showing Paul, and showing the doorway through which Linda is supposed to walk. A small group of musicians sits nearby. Paul is holding a tray with a diamond ring on it. David tells Paul that it's not looking too good. I got out my handy timer and at the two-minute mark, Paul hands David the ring and tells him to stay there while Paul sees what's up. Two minutes of just watching David and Paul standing around. Paul is gone for fifty-two seconds, and while he's gone David starts crying, and then we go to commercial.
Paul walks out and tells David that Linda is not going to show up. David asks if she said she didn't want to come, and Paul repeats that she's not showing up. David asks if she said why, and Paul says no. David says he guesses he doesn't need the ring, and hands it back to Paul. So she's not going to show, right? So this is over? Why are there twenty-eight minutes left in the episode? After David hands back the ring, he stands around for another two minutes and four seconds. He tells Paul that he can't blame Linda, and then wipes his mouth on his sleeve. The flute player is like, "Wow, I can't believe she passed up a guy with that much class." Paul walks back into the villa without a word, like, where is he going? David stands there for another minute and six seconds, and then Paul returns and gestures towards the villa. David starts crying again and takes off his jacket. Once he gets inside, Paul closes the doors and draws the curtains. So by my count, that was a full six minutes of watching David stand there. Fascinating! I can't believe this show didn't get better ratings!
Suddenly, we're in Austin. David arrives at the airport. I've been in that airport! I probably rode that escalator! I know I stood outside that entrance and smoked a cigarette. David is greeted by a driver as he voice-overs that it was good to be back in Texas, and that he was so overwhelmed that they took him to a ranch to help him ease back into his lifestyle. Yes, because his time spent at a Tuscan ranch was so different than his time spent at a Texan ranch. It's not like he was orbiting the Earth in a rocket. David is excited to see his horse, North, tied up nearby. He hugs his horse and talks to it like an old friend. David has that strange pants problem mentioned in recaps, and I think he really, really likes horses in general. So we watch him ride his horse for one minute and six seconds as he voice-overs that it will be hard to go back to hard work and living week-to-week. David rides up to a ranch house, which he thinks is "cute." As he ties up his horse to a fence post, Paul walks out of the house. David is really surprised and excited to see him. Maybe that explains the pants problem, which is still going on, for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing.
Paul makes small talk and then says that he's got something for David: a letter from Linda. Paul wants to read it to him, probably because David never learned to read. Paul reads that Linda was scared of her feelings, and she wanted to run away. She wants David to understand that she was upset about the lie, not about his lack of money. Linda hasn't been able to forget him. The interesting thing about that whole scene was that the "letter" that "Linda" "wrote" must have changed a lot between when this episode was filmed and when it aired, because the captioning and Paul's mouth totally don't match up with the audio. The weird thing is, only small word changes were made. The content of the letter stayed the same. Paul hands David the letter to look at, and walks inside. David looks at the funny squiggles on the paper and wonders what they mean. I'm a little disappointed that Hurricane didn't get to come to Texas, too.
By Kim
David puts the letter back in the envelope and turns his back on the house to walk back to his horse. In a totally surprising (not) and unscripted (not) moment, Linda walks out of the house. David doesn't see her, since his back is to the house. Linda calls his name in a croaky voice, and David turns around and hugs her. That song plays as they hug for twenty-five seconds. Linda's wearing a white shirt and leather pants, and it would have been really cool if she was like, "Tell me about it, stud," and then ground out her cigarette with her shoe before she and David launched into a musical number. I'm telling you, I could write the greatest reality show ever. Well, it wouldn't be very real, but then again, neither is this show. David interviews that he's really in love with Linda, and he adds at the end, "It's love! It's love! I guess. I don't know." Well, that's convincing. Linda interviews that the whole story is romantic, because she left and then came back, and that she's very happy.
Paul walks out with the ring. David tells Linda that he's grateful she's in Texas, and that she can wear the ring on her right hand if she wants to. Linda puts it on her left hand anyway. David interviews that he would be lucky if Linda settled down with him. Linda thanks him for everything, and David thanks her back. They are both giddy. Linda says it seems so right, and David agrees that it's amazing. They kiss and giggle. Linda interviews that it's amazing that they both felt the same way. David walks her over to North, and she pets him. David interviews that he was really sad after leaving Italy, but now he feels like the Incredible Hulk. So that would be very angry and very green? Linda says that her ring is beautiful, and David says that she's more beautiful.
As they talk to North, Paul walks out holding a silver tray with a silver cover. David talks about how he couldn't imagine going on a show and finding love. He notices Paul standing there, and Linda asks if they're having some food. Paul tells them that their journey isn't over quite yet. He said "journey"! Foul!
After the commercial, they reshow the last scene. Whatever could Paul have? Paul says that love itself has made Linda's life richer, and then presents her with a check for $250,000. David squeals like a woman. Linda just grins and voice-overs that she didn't think it could be happening. She thanks Paul. Linda interviews that she comes from a poor family, and that she's glad she can help them now. David and Linda stare at the check for a while. Linda asks if David gets anything, and David says that he got her. Paul says that they told David at the beginning that he wouldn't get any money, and David agrees. Paul says that David's heart was always true, even though he had to lie, so they hope that David and Linda will start a new life together on David's new ranch. Paul explains that the house, and the ninety acres surrounding it, now belong to David. Paul hands over a deed. How will David pay the taxes with his meager income? Maybe Linda can pitch in with her big bucks. David and Linda hug. David interviews that a ranch isn't like a hat or a new pair of boots. Oh, David. Wise until the end. David notices that the deed is notarized. David interviews that he didn't expect anything. Linda says that she's happy for him, and David says he's happy for her, too. Linda interviews that she was happy to see David again, and that she has hope for the future. David says he can't wait for her to meet his parents.
By Kim
David's little dog runs out of the house and makes out with him. Linda thinks the dog is cute. David says it's great to have his dog, his horse, and his girlfriend. Linda laughs, instead of being insulted that she was last on the list. David and Linda talk about how grateful they are. Paul comes back out with champagne. Linda and David toast to their future. They hug, and David says he didn't think he'd ever see her again. They continue to hug, and then they kiss, and David totally has another boner. I think he has a problem. Linda interviews that she didn't know what a cowboy would be like, but that she learned that he was generous and unafraid to show his feelings. David interviews that things happen for a reason, and that Linda is pure, honest, and loving. In separate interviews, David and Linda both express hopes for the future of their relationship. David and Linda ride North around David's new ranch for two minutes and twenty seconds until blessedly, the episode ends. Well, that sucked.