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Previously on Joe Millionaire: The announcer tells us that the chemistry was red hot and the women put the moves on David, but beyond some knee-grabbing and chaste kissing, I don't really remember anything like that happening. The announcer also claims that there was a lot of tension between the women, but beyond Cat's moody silences and the reactions to Cat's moody silences, I don't remember a lot of that either. David eliminated Anique and then Linda came back, to the surprise of no one. David eliminated Petra, in what the announcer calls "the toughest elimination yet," but I think a little fiber in the diet might help out with that. Besides, I thought the toughest elimination was when he had to eliminate Linda even though he didn't want her to go. Or maybe that was the most dramatic one. Or heart-wrenching. Someone needs to buy the copy writer a thesaurus.
Paul sits on a soundstage in L.A. and welcomes us to the season finale. He says that Linda "jumped back in at the end of the race" and that Cat ran "the entire marathon." Paul wonders if David will choose Cat or Linda, and how the women will react when they learn that David has been lying the whole time. If there's not face-slapping and/or cursing involved, I'm not interested.
We begin with the last five minutes of the previous episode, where David eliminated Petra. Didn't we just see this in the "previously"s segment? There wasn't even a commercial break in between, during which people might have flipped over, to justify such shameless filler. David says that it's down to Linda, whom he was intrigued by at first sight, and Cat, with whom he has developed a relationship. Yes, going on, like, four solo dates definitely constitutes "a relationship."
Cat and Linda sit at a table. Cat heaves a big sigh. Linda says she feels like it's right that she and Cat are the last two standing. Cat feels, for some reason, that if the other finalist were anyone but Linda, then Cat would be the clear winner. We don't really get any explanation for why she feels that way. Cat says that the two of them have been the most real and genuine. Linda interviews that she didn't know Cat had any feelings for David, but that Cat seems to like him a lot. Cat interviews that David has to decide between her and Linda. Really? So is it between Cat and Linda? I'm glad they clarified that. Now that we're all clear on the decision, I'm sure they won't need to bring it up again.
David sits in the green room (or whatever you call the room where he hangs out with Paul before and after the elimination ceremony) and massages his temples. He says that he's had a headache for a week, and he wonders how it came to this. Which is, of course, the universal cue for a giant recap of all that has happened before.