As class ends, Helen's cell phone rings. Before she can take the call, though, Adam stops to request an extension for his assignment, explaining he's been working very late nights for his internship. Helen gently tells him she can't make an exception for him. Adam, dejected, wanders off and Helen turns to her caller, who turns out to be some long-lost ex-boyfriend named Jeremy. She hasn't heard from him in twenty years. So, uh…how'd he get her cell phone number? She seems pretty delighted to hear from him, despite the fact that he dumped her, as she claims. She tells him, with a warm, flirtatious sound in her voice, "Well…it's a little late for regrets, Jeremy…"
Joan, Adam, and Judith are walking outside. Joan asks who blew off trig. They all did. Joan: "Excuses?" Judith: "Apathy." Adam: "Art project, internship…it made no sense." Joan: "Behind the Music marathon. Grand Funk Railroad." Is that a shout-out? "So tragic: their manager took all their money, and now I've never heard of them." Adam mentions to Joan that they can start putting his sculpture together, but Joan suddenly realizes she can't, because she's got her first appointment with the college counsellor. Judith says he's scary: "He actually licks his lips when he mentions Princeton." ["I love how Princeton has become TV's go-to shorthand for overinvolvement in the college application process lately. What's up with that?" -- Sars] Joan says she'll be lucky if he mentions college. They enter the school and Adam remonstrates with Joan: "You said you'd help. I'm already so far behind…" Joan apologizes, saying the counsellor is requiring her to work on her essay about extracurricular activities. My God, that's gonna be a long essay. Joan, however, sees it differently: "Which I don't have, unless you count napping." Someone needs to introduce Joan to the idea of spin. She suggests tomorrow. He can't. Joan is busy Thursday with history and trig. They both rub their foreheads a lot. Joan suggests Friday, but that's too late. Judith: "I'm not doing anything!" Joan reminds her about her French midterm. Judith: "We covered the pluperfect at my last school. Pas de problème." She tells Adam: "This way you get at least half of Joanith." Adam says she's totally saving his butt. She puts her arm through his and says, "So let's get to work, slacker." They wander off, as Joan says "bye" with a look of consternation.
Behind her, Adam "Bitches, Man" Kaufman from 24 asks her if she's interested in a videography project. He offers her a video camera. He's got kind of a creepy tone. I can't tell if he's supposed to be a teenage boy, or slightly older, and not a student. Zachary Quinto, the actor, will be twenty-six soon. Joan, glancing at the big hand-drawn "Public Videography Project" banner above him: "Uh…fascinating, but no." As she walks away, he makes a stronger pitch: "It may even fulfill some of that extracurricular stuff you're lacking, Joan." So what's that now? Three new cute teenage boy/young guy Gods in seven episodes? Why do I feel like Barbara Hall got a memo from somebody high up at CBS about jazzing the show up with more eye candy? It's okay, but it's overkill. Bring back Vagrant God, I say. I like me some old-timey talk.
Joan walks back: "So…you're working for public television now?" He equivocates, saying he's just a volunteer: "Sometimes I work the phone banks." She looks at him dubiously. He offers the camera again: "How about it?" Joan replies, "Look. You know everything. You know my schedule. I'm a junior in high school. I don't even have time to pee on the weekends." Video Project God agrees it's a very stressful time: "Sometimes, taking a step back, seeing life through the lens, lets you see things clearer." Joan is skeptical. He adds, "Beats napping." As someone who's been living a sort of late-to-bed-early-to-rise routine for most of Ramadan, I have to say: I very much doubt that. I'll be lucky if I get through this recap without sustaining a concussion from my head crashing down on my desk. But never mind that. Not the show's fault. Trying to get Professor Frink to keep reasonable hours is like trying to get cats to walk in a parade. Joan finally takes the camera and starts fooling around with it. One hopes she'll fare better in this visual medium than she did as a photographer. She removes the lens cap, so that's a good start. She turns the camera on herself, and then turns the viewer around so she can see herself. She gives herself a kind of coy look, as if she's checking herself out, then slowly sticks her tongue at the camera before suddenly becoming self-conscious again and putting it away. Heh. Theme song.
Breakfast time in the Girardi household. Joan's annoying her family by videotaping them. The episode switches back and forth between JoanCam and the normal deal. Helen wearily asks her to stop. Joan notices her mother looks really great today, and zooms in on her mouth: "Are you wearing lipstick?" Helen's irritated: "Don't you have to go to school?" Joan: "You never wear lipstick." She doesn't? Luke, eating cereal, asks his mother if she has a job interview or something. Joan, who didn't catch that on camera, commands him to say it again. Luke complies, impatiently. Joan starts narrating the action as she returns to Helen: "For those of you who are not watching in Odorama, Mom is always wearing a very nice perfume today." Helen complains, "Now I know how Sean Penn feels." Will comes down the kitchen stairs in a very unflattering argyle sweater. Joan, frustrated, yells, "Cut!" Luke: "Please stop yelling 'cut.'" Joan: "Wardrobe. Dad, I can't shoot you in that sweater! Everyone will think this is actually what you like!" He says it's his lucky sweater, and yells to Kevin that they have a 7:30 tee time. (Which I always hear as "tea time" and have to remind myself it's not.) Will drinks some orange juice right out of the container after declaring, "Today I'm going to play like Tiger Woods…when he played like Tiger Woods." As Kevin wheels in, wearing a polo shirt, Joan starts taping him: "Oh, preppy retro. That's working." She narrates: "This is my brother, Kevin Girardi." Will wants to get going. Kevin smirks: "He can't wait for me to kick his ass." Helen reminds Will they have to go over the Bakers' statements today. Will's pissed, and intends to play golf. He has no intention of letting the Bakers screw that up for him. Joan stops taping. Helen says okay. Will quickly apologizes, and when he kisses Helen's head, he says, "Hey…you smell good. Got a date?" Helen claims, "I am just competing with your true love. It takes effort." Will teases her: "After golf, you are a very close second." He tells Kevin, "Let's go, duffer." Joan tapes them as they leave. Kevin mugs. Jason Ritter can't help it. It's genetic.
More JoanCam. This time it's in Adam's face at school. He's not happy: "I thought you didn't have any free time." She says she doesn't, but needs extracurricular stuff: "And I don't have to make time for this, because it's supposed to be whatever happens, you know, in the moment." Joan comments on what she sees in her viewer: Adam's stressed. Not only that, but he looks kind of sullen, too. Adam says, "I can't talk to you like this, okay?" He slams his locker and takes off. Joan follows him, saying, "Yes, you can! Just act natural." Suddenly Grace is behind them, arguing, "That's an oxymoron. The minute you turn on a camera, you're distorting reality. It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle." Grace is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Thinking is the best way to travel." Joan: "You sound like my brother." Grace is taken aback: "Then I will…shut up…and I will walk away." She does, and Adam tries to do the same, saying he'll talk to Joan later, but Joan pleads with him to cooperate, saying she's just trying to document the two of them: "Forget the stress." Adam: "I'd love to." JoanCam shows that Joan's not very good at keeping the subject well-framed. ["Or at listening when the subject talks. Man, she bugged me this ep." -- Sars] She tells him to look into the camera, and talk about them, and what they mean to each other. Adam: "Jane…" Joan stamps her foot: "Oh, come on! It'll be like Real World: London. Not Vegas. Vegas is so cheesy." Adam tries to explain how fried he is when suddenly Judith's voice is behind Adam, saying, "Joanith, say hi to your peeps!" She's got a camera, too. Joan: "What are you doing?" Judith: "I'm videoing you videoing Adam. It's a total postmodern Warhol thing." Adam slaps his forehead with both hands. He can't take it anymore; he flees. Joan demands to know what Judith's doing. She says, "I'm doing my piece on Joanith. By shooting him, I'm focusing on you." Joan pushes the camera away -- guess she doesn't much like it in her face, either -- and tells Judith, "I was just getting him to open up to me. You scared him off!" Friedman zooms up and says, "Ladies, ladies…squabble not. Why don't you just shoot some video of each other?" There's something in his tone that makes them both slap him in the head.
Golf course. God, I hope this is short. I think golf is about as interesting as sitting around watching my toenails grow. And they're playing with Lucyfer, who's seen fit, for reasons best known to God and herself, to wear a big old visor and fluff her hair out around it. It's very Florida matron for someone who I think is supposed to be something of a vixen. If they want Annie Potts to wear her hair short, something like this works a lot better. (No comment on the leopard coat with the yoga wear.) This hairstyle only seems to have two modes: frowsy or frightening. Now, maybe that's what they're going for…but since I think she's clearly putting the moves on Will, I'd think they'd want her to be as cute as possible. And Annie Potts is nothing if not cute. Do not give her fugly hair. Will and Lucyfer yammer about his golfing while Kevin selects a club and swivels around in his special golf cart.
Kevin interrupts: "Do you mind? I'd like to continue to humiliate you. Takes the focus off the fact that I'm Velcroed to a golf cart." Kevin swings a club as Lucyfer says to Will that perhaps he's just a little distracted today. They both compliment Kevin on his shot. Lucyfer asks Will, "So what is it, really -- playin' with the boss?" She taps his forearm gently with the back of her hand as she asks. Better step off, bitch. Will says it's "lawsuit crap," and that he hoped this would take his mind off things. Kevin asks Lucyfer, "You know about the case?" Will explains he had to ask for some time off to meet with the lawyer: "Lucy[fer] has been very supportive." Lucyfer walks toward Kevin and pours it on: "I know how hard this must be for the whole family." Kevin doesn't say anything, but subtly conveys his discomfort physically. Will says he might need more time: "They say Andy is too unstable to travel, and we have to go to them for the depositions." Oh, please. Lucyfer positions one of her balls and gets ready to take a shot. She says, "It's a squeeze play. The more you pay for incidentals, the less money you have to fight the case." Kevin: "You'd think the chair would be the only thing the jury needs to see." Lucyfer: "I know you like your lawyer, but you want payback, don't you? You know Chuck Kroner?" Kevin says he helped out covering a case of his: "Guy would sue his own mother." Lucyfer tells them to use her name. Will wants to just play golf. Lucyfer: "Absolutely!" But before she takes her shot, she's got a bunch more stuff to say: "I just think these bastards should pay. Anybody screws up a man's golf game…that should be a capital offense." She hits the ball into the extreme distance, and then is all aw-shucks about it.
Helen arrives at a coffee shop, late for a meeting with Lily, and all apologetic: "I thought I had this…thing." Lily: "That was convincing." Helen: "What?" Lily: "The, uh, nervous stutter. Closely related to lying." Helen is slightly taken aback. Lily: "Ex-nun. I spent years around guilty Catholics." Helen: "Oh? Well, you're wrong this time." Lily, unfazed, says the initial stutter is a lead-in to the blurt-out: "You know, that thing that you think you can keep in, but…you feel like it's gonna blow if you don't let it out?" Helen doesn't respond; she attempts to look mildly insulted. Lily: "Obviously I'm wrong, so why don't we just discuss your catechism, and uh, hope that that cute guy over there thinks we're talking dirty." Helen turns around and looks at some blond guy, who smiles back, warmly. She turns back to Lily. They're both quiet for a moment and then Helen blurts out, "It's nothing, I just got this call from this guy that I used to know in college…Jeremy. He was…you know…" Lily chuckles: "No. I don't. By the way…nice blurt-out. Under ten seconds." Helen haltingly explains he was the first guy she was serious about, and he's some big artist now, and they were going to have coffee. Lily: "Are you gonna tell him?" Helen's confused: "Jeremy?" Lily: "Your husband. Will Girardi…the father of your children…I assume?" Heh. Helen says it's just coffee: "And…men get so…irrationally jealous." Lily: "Sounds kinda rational to me." Helen says it's been over twenty years: "For all I know, the guy is, uh, fat or bald or gay…well, he's not gay unless a lot has changed." So, if he were still hot -- by your standards -- you'd consider cheating on Will, but otherwise, not so much? Lily says that was six different excuses all in one breath. Helen tries to change the subject: "Aren't we supposed to be studying Genesis?" Lily: "Right!" She clears her throat: "So, uh…you want to start with Eve and the snake?" Helen's not amused. Lily 1, Helen 0.
Grace is walking along one of the balconies outside the school when she hears Luke's voice rabbiting on to some other guy about computers. She tries to slip past without being spotted, and he leaves to chase after Grace without a word of explanation or apology to the guy he was speaking with. Luke catches up to Grace and says, "You've been avoiding me." Grace: "Not successfully, it seems." He says she was going to tell him how things are going. Grace: "Very well, for my mother. She made it through two bottles of wine at dinner." Luke: "You keeping a journal?" Grace says she is: "But it's mostly free-form swearing." She says she's just not the journal type, which I find hard to believe. She's certainly the poetry type. He tells her she's gotta keep at it: "Remember the seven Cs for dealing with an alcoholic parent: you can't control it, you can't cure it, you can't feel responsible for it…" Dude, are you her boyfriend, or her therapist? You're starting to really bug. Grace, "That's not a C." Luke claims it's in the "can't." He insists, "You know you want to change your life, or you wouldn't have gone to…" Grace is fed up: "Ohhhh! Don't pretend like you know me, you know? Just because you did some good little deed doesn't give you the right to get all up in my face!" Damn right. Luke is getting to be a real pain in the ass about this. I know he has the kind of mentality that just wants to solve problems in a straightforward, practical way (believe me, I know -- I married an engineer), but this is just not that simple. Also, dude, if you're as much of a drag as her mother to be around, why should she want to spend time with you? Shut up about her alcoholic mother for a bit and just be fun to be with. Give her another geode or something. She stalks off.
Adam's trying to work on his art project; he's pulling apart that shiny, stringy stuff people line Easter baskets with. Joan's trying to tape him. She acknowledges how weird it is to be photographed, so she thinks she can make it easier on him by just telling him what to do. Adam: "How is that a documentary?" Joan misses the point completely: "I'm supposed to document how I see things. You're a part of that. I want to show the world what kind of couple we are." Adam: "The world?" Joan relents: "Okay. Public television. I know people don't really watch it but if I do good at this, we could get free tote bags!" That oughta improve Adam's lot in life. She instructs him to walk toward her and talk about all the things he likes about the two of them. Adam protests, "Jane, I…" Joan: "That's good, but with more feeling." How can she be so oblivious to his incredibly obvious distaste for this whole enterprise? He looks peeved now: "I can't do this. This is totally fake." Joan concedes, and says she knows it's hard to be all poetic. She suggests action instead. She grabs him by the arm and pulls him toward the door: "I want you to just come running into the room, uh…talking about how much you miss me, and then we'll kiss." Adam stands there looking helpless for a moment, but instead of running away, he tries to comply. She tells him to run in on her signal. He objects: "But I -- I don't usually run to you." She pleads with him to cooperate: "Look, just run in. You don't even have to say anything. Come kiss the camera like you're gonna kiss me. Ready?" Good lord. Adam runs in feebly and then stops short in front of the camera. He hesitates for a moment before saying he doesn't want to be in the movie: "Can we just leave it at that, please?" Joan: "Adam, how am I supposed to document the world if you're not in it?" He replies, "Is this really how you see the world? Like we're some fake couple?" Joan says it's just a video. Adam's mad: "No, it's not! It's not! It's you, trying to force us to become something we're not!" Joan counters, "Hey, I wanted you to be real but you didn't want to do that either!" Adam: "You want real? I hate this! I hate it! Okay? I hate trying to pretend that we're some happy couple, when we're so stressed out that we're miserable even when we're together!" Adam clatters his art stuff around. Joan: "Wow. I should've kept the cameras rolling for that, huh?" Adam says this is making him crazy: "I can't do this. I gotta go to the design studio." He rushes out.
After the commercials, it's a different day, and Joan's complaining to Grace about Adam at school: "He freaked. I mean, what's that all about?" Grace brings her usual balanced viewpoint: "Relationships don't work. There's always someone who wants something the other person can't deliver." Joan says she's just making a stupid video. Grace: "Well, maybe he wants one minute where he's not being spied on. I mean, we're being watched all the time, Girardi. 1984 ring a bell?" Joan says she wasn't even born yet. I don't know whether to be more pissed at her for being ignorant or making me feel so bloody old. Grace is irritated: "The book. 'Big Brother is watching.' It's happened! I mean -- at ATMs, out on the street, in stores. And don't even get me started on Carnivore: big government computer the size of a football field that sifts through all of your phone conversations, all of your emails…and you wonder why some people want to be left alone?" Joan looks worried: "O-kay…you seem a little militant, even for a militant. Are you okay?" Grace: "More questions! See what I mean? End of the world!" She stalks off. Video Project God is leaning against a display case. Joan: "Speaking of Big Brother." She holds up the camera, telling him it was definitely one of her worst ideas. He comments, "You didn't like what you saw." Joan: "No! And it created even more stress." She tells him to take the camera: "Let them run a documentary where the lions eat the antelopes…because that would be the same as watching my life!" Oy. So much drama, so little common sense. Video Project God tells Joan, "You've gotta look below the surface. Sometimes what you see is just a mask for something much deeper. I mean, the Italian Neorealist filmmakers found truth by…" Joan: "Shhh! Save it, Ebert." He tells her to keep at it: "They want to use this for their fundraiser drive." Yeah, that should bring in the…Lincoln pennies. He leaves, and Judith prowls up behind Joan, taping her and narrating: "Lost in thought…Joan ponders her move…" I guess we are to take it that Judith didn't/couldn't see God at all. I particularly don't think she would miss asking Joan about any guy she was talking to. Joan lifts her camera, and they circle around each other, taping. Joan: "To shoot Judith…as she records a life of chaos and confusion…" Judith, gleefully: "Where Joanith reigns supreme!" Adam interrupts to tell Judith he's got the mirrors: "You ready?" Joan says maybe she could help. Adam thought she had to see the counsellor again. Joan: "Well…can't you wait?" He says he's behind, and walks off. Judith tells Joan: "Chill! I'll take care of him." Yes, that's very reassuring. Joan looks anxious.
Luke and Friedman are in the science classroom. Luke's yammering about some transfer of energy, throwing a metal ball at a picture of Einstein (the one with his tongue sticking out). The ball then drops down into a bowl, lights up a sign that read E=MC squared (pretend that's a superscript "2" there; I don't think I can render that in the TWoP database ["it's doable, but I can't be shagged today, sorry" -- Sars]), and drops into a tube, rolling back to Luke. Friedman's absorbed in Shakespeare. Luke: "Are you listening?" Friedman: "No." Luke: "Dude. Extra credit. Focus." Friedman says he's spent the last three weeks memorizing Hamlet for Judith: "I have half an act left, and she still thinks I'm a joke." Well, in her defense…you can sort of see that. Luke: "Friedman…friend to friend…it is an exceptionally absurd way to pursue a woman." Speak for yourself, pencil neck. I'd be impressed. Friedman: "Poetry? Since when?" Luke: "Well, then, I guess it's the incongruous coupling of poetry and…you." He takes the book out of Friedman's hands. Friedman: "Sure. I know what I look like. But 'love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. And therefore is winged cupid painted blind.'" Man. He's had time for A Midsummer Night's Dream, too? There must be some internet porn sites teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Friedman says, "I really like her, dude. Someday you'll know what I mean. It's not about the dream of getting naked with her. Not exclusively. I just can't forget that kiss, you know? And every now and then, I get this look from her…that's potential." He lets the metal ball fly at Einstein. "Couldn't stop now if I wanted to." Oy. Friedman's in love. And he's acting all human and shit. Frink's a little disappointed. He really enjoyed 2D-Friedman. But I like this, and it will be nice to see what Aaron Himelstein does with deeper material.
Interesting shot of Adam's face in a mirror that he's cutting up. He's showing Judith how he wants the mirrors done. She's about to start on one when he advises her to put on a pair of safety glasses. Judith: "Come on. Where's the fun if I can't get glass shards in my eye and sue the school?" Adam just looks at her with concern -- and a distinct lack of amusement. Aw. He's all humourless and stressed out, like me. Judith sobers up and says, "Okay. Actually helping now." When she goes to get the glasses, she surreptitiously orients her video camera toward them and turns it on. When she sits to Adam and begins to cut, he gives her some more instruction about how to do it. She warns him, "Just so you know…I'm the worst at art. Joan's the one who was always making stuff at crazy camp." Adam sneers, "Yeah, well, she's off on her video project, isn't she?" Judith gleans that he's not a videography fan. Adam: "It's not just that. Our lives have changed so much. We don't -- we don't connect, you know? And I just feel so guilty, or…pissed off…or a million other things." Judith replies, "So every time you feel like you're losing her, you push her away even harder?" Adam considers that: "I love her, you know? I mean, you know…that's the last thing I want." Judith: "Mmm. The thing about Joan is…no matter how many idiot projects she does…or how much she drives you crazy…she actually sticks around. Even when you try to push her away." Adam agrees. Meanwhile, Joan's outside the classroom, videotaping them through the Venetian blinds, unnoticed by either of them. Judith pushes her safety glasses up on her head and says earnestly: "Most people don't do that. Most people just take off, drive away…leave you standing there with…no money, no way to get home. Hang onto her, Adam. She saved my life this summer." Adam nods slightly, adding softly: "She already saved mine." Judith admits, "I know." He wonders, "Then why can't I just see that? I mean, that's all that matters." Judith has the impulse to hug him, and there's some awkward gesturing as Adam realizes her intention and embraces her. When Joan sees this, she lowers her camera and stands there, hurt and overwhelmed.
Will comes into Lucyfer's office to thank her for the golf game yesterday: "My kid had a great time humiliating his old man." Lucyfer, whose hair is pinned up and looks a heckuva a lot better, chuckles and replies, "And we got to play hooky. I told 'em I was at the doctor's." Will confesses he claimed he had a meeting with an assistant DA: "We're bad." I feel sick. I'm sure it's nothing, though. Probably some bad chicken. Lucyfer: "And I was thinkin' how good we were." Yes, it's probably the chicken. Will refers to a trooper-style hat on her desk and asks if they're going to make her wear it. Lucyfer: "They wanted me in the whole getup: the holster, the badge…the decoder ring. But…all contracts are negotiable, and I didn't want to let my job get in the way of my vanity." Will asks, "Could I see?" She obliges. She looks ridiculous, and she clearly knows it. Will: "Good call, boss." He shuts the door, finally, and asks her about the attorney she mentioned. Lucyfer: "Chuck Kroner? I don't want to get in the middle of your business…" I snort loudly. It's a little late for that, isn't it, lady? She says if he likes his attorney he should stay with them. Will would like to use her name. I guess this Kroner guy gives the Beelzebub discount. She scribbles his number quickly and brings it over to Will: "Tell him I said hi. So sorry you have to go through all this crap. You don't deserve it." Will shrugs it off, saying, "I just wish in the middle of all this, something felt right." She replies, "It's war." She puts her hand on his and squeezes it slightly: "And that should never feel right." Will thanks her and leaves. Will, you're already married to a gorgeous Southern belle. You don't need this one. She has a tail, for god's sake. Sure, you'd save a lot on heating bills, but…wise up, buddy.
Joan's in the computer lab, looking grim and teary as she watches the tape of Adam and Judith over and over again, turning up the speakers to try to hear something, but she can't make anything out. Frink, noting the quality of the flat-screen monitors and so forth: "This is a very well-off school they have." I'll bet she wishes God had given her a lip-reading assignment amongst her many "idiot projects."
Girardi house that night. Helen's listening to Peter Frampton: "Show Me The Way." She fishes out a picture of her and Jeremy back in the day. Okay, I don't know who that is, but he's seriously cute, even with the big lapels and the vest and the 1970s hair. Cuter than Will. Sorry. I just call 'em like I see 'em. Helen smiles at the picture as she barely moves her lips along to the words of the song. Then she looks troubled. Joan comes into the room to her to watch TV. She's got her video camera with her. Helen says something about needing to clean out that cupboard. Joan: "Yeah. Your junk. Not helping." Helen says she thought Joan would be out with Adam and Judith. Joan: "Can I spend a little bit of quality time by myself? Do I have to be around a million people all the time?" Helen, sensing a teenage mood: "No. Are -- are you okay?" Joan responds impatiently: "Are you? Listening to Peter Frampton? That's kinda pathetic." She picks up the album cover. Hey! I thought the Girardis didn't have a turntable. "According to Behind the Music, his career took a nosedive in 1978." Girl sure watches a lot of BtM. Helen says she was just cleaning out some junk. Joan examines Frampton Comes Alive! and sighs, "You must have been so young then." Helen lets that pass. "Bet you couldn't wait to grow up, huh?" Helen agrees weakly.
In the kitchen, Will and Kevin are doing dishes, laughing and heckling each other about golf. Will tells Kevin he took Kroner's number from Lucyfer. Kevin: "Mom'll never agree to it." Helen suddenly comes in: "Agree to what?" Will: "A new lawyer." Helen replies, "We…have a lawyer. And Tom's a friend." Will says he was discussing the case with Lucyfer today. Helen, suspiciously: "Why do you discuss our business with her?" Will says he works with her: "Things come up. You haven't mentioned it to your nun?" Helen: "Well…I can trust her." Will: "And Lucy[fer]'s gonna blab it around the station?" Helen doesn't know: "Last week, she suggested blackmail." Kevin tells her that he's looked into it and Kroner's a great litigator: "And why wouldn't we go into this as strong as possible?" Helen's not too happy that Will and Kevin have started this up without consulting her. Will: "Look, it isn't easy for any of us…" Helen: "Well, apparently going behind my back is!" Will: "And it's so easy for you to be forthcoming? How long did it take for you to accept the fact that we even needed a lawyer?" Kevin: "Stop! Stop! We were wrong, okay? We were, Dad. But I want to meet this guy, and I'd like it, if we were all there." Joan's wandered up and started videotaping. Kevin glances over and notices her. He wheels out of the room, and as he passes Joan, he knocks the camera out of her hands. We get a FloorCam shot of Helen and Will looking annoyed and dismayed, and then Joan's upside-down face fills the screen as she retrieves the camera.
Grace is in the science storage room, looking at a case of butterfly specimens pinned to Styrofoam. Luke comes in as she's puzzling over a jar of red stuff. He's seems a little put out: "It's really admirable that you want to talk, Grace." She replies, "Who said anything about talking?" She zooms over and starts macking on him but he pushes her away. Frink: "See? Told you the kid's not normal." Grace keeps her arms around his neck and shoulders and asks, "You'd rather talk than make out?" She smiles. "I think you're the one that needs the help, Girardi." Luke pushes her away completely: "No. I'm not going to let you use our make-out time as a cudgel to avoid this issue." Cudgel, even. Grace says this is why she doesn't talk to anyone: "Because now we're all about her. That stupid fifth C is how the alcoholic is controlling my life -- well, I'm not going to let her, okay?" Luke: "She already is! Look at us!" Grace: "Only 'cause you can't get off it!" Luke: "Okay. So let me come over to your house and we'll hang out." Uh…that's not exactly a concession to Grace's point, there. Grace starts to walk out: "This conversation is over." Luke explodes again: "Can't you see what you're letting her do to you?" Grace: "It's my space! I made the choice! Me." Luke, who sure has gotten…sure of himself, goads her: "I think you really believe that you're strong…but you're more terrified than anyone I know." He walks out. She slams the door behind him and sits down to stew.
Adam and Judith look at themselves in the fragments of mirror featured in Adam's sculpture. It's…it's…it's as difficult to describe as most of his stuff. I wish I could insert screencaps in the recaps. There's a central pole with all these arms hanging off it which revolve, and there are mirror shards all over the thing, as well as some of that orange Easter basket stuff. It's like the bastard child of a lazy Susan and a broken Las Vegas chandelier mated with the bastard child of an Easter basket and a scrap metal yard. It also looks incredibly dangerous, like it ought to come with a warning: "Not recommended for children under 43 years of age." It's something Hildi would use as a centerpiece for a kid's birthday party. Judith gives it a spin and tells Adam he's a "freaking genius." Joan passes by the classroom and stops just as Adam asks Judith if she really thinks it's good. Judith leans over and slaps him lightly on the upper arm, smiling warmly: "Shut up. You know it's great." Adam smiles and looks at it again. In some of the shards he sees Joan's reflection: "Jane! Hey, come here, take a look." Joan gulps and says she can't, she's late. She walks off and Adam calls out, puzzled, "Jane?" He looks at Judith, who doesn't know what to make of it either.
Walking down the hall in a daze, Joan's path crosses with Video Project God's. He asks her where the camera is. Holding back tears, Joan says, "I can't. I can't look at them anymore." He says, "There's always something more to see, Joan." Frink: "Shut up." Hmm. Testy. I think somebody's had just about enough of fasting day in and day out and getting up around the time nightclub owners are going to bed.
The camera sinks down on the bald head of one Chuck Kroner, played by Evan Handler. I'm all, "Hey! It's Shrug!" But since Frink had the good fortune to stop watching The West Wing in the third season, he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Guy's got a pretty swanky office. Kroner tells the Girardis he thinks they need to work on their story. Helen says it's all the statement. Kroner: "Forget the statement. It's too soft. Who did precisely what, when, to who… It's all a big 'who cares?' We need to paint a picture, hmm? The accident…was horrible…awful. Some drunken bastard turned you into a cripple…" Helen says they prefer the term "disabled." Kroner: "Absolutely. Me too. My point being, we have to show how this guy ruined your life." Kevin, arms crossed, looks uncomfortable. Helen's naturally defensive: "Kevin's made a good life for himself." Kroner: "Really? Is this what you expected? Be honest." Kevin doesn't respond. Not verbally, anyway. His eyes answer pretty clearly. Kroner: "Is this the life you'd hoped to live? You want to win this case? We have to show them the pain, show them the tears: your mother, having to wash you…" Helen looks anxious. Kroner carries on: "The family destroyed…and in the court, you will sit at the end of the table, where every minute the jury can look over and they can see how that drunken bastard turned you into a cripple." Helen's had enough and she says so, gathering her things: "How dare you talk to us like this?" Kroner's chuffed: "You're angry! This is good! I am gonna make them hate that kid as much as you hate me right now!" Helen announces, "This is over." Kevin: "Mom, it's spin. It's a way for us to win." Helen's quite emotional: "This isn't a game where somebody wins. Nobody's gonna win. Ever. Now, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, because if this is somebody's fault, that means the accident could have been prevented…we coulda done something. And then…it wasn't just an act of God. And it was. It was an act of God." She leaves. The men all look around at each other in silence. Um, is there no one in Arcadia who's ever heard of a settlement? I'm not a lawyer, but it seems to me that even when you're trucking along the moral high ground, it's often cheaper to settle than to prove it in court. Shouldn't one of these lawyers at least be introducing the possibility? Isn't it unprofessional for them not to? Maybe it's just me.
JudithCam. She's taping, very herky-jerky, a large mural of the Arcadia eagle, spinning a tale of how it comes alive at night and devours the D students. She's cackling madly when suddenly the camera swings around to show us Friedman, standing there with a bouquet of flowers. Judith says, "No offense, Friedman, but the flowers make you look a little like…a guy who carries flowers." She starts to hustle past him, when he says, "They're for you." She stops and turns. She just looks at him with a mixture of hostility and confusion. He explains: "What Ophelia carried: daises are for faithfulness; fennel, flattery; and rosemary for remembrance." Me: "Okay, now I'm impressed." Frink: "Figures." He'll bring me flowers because he knows how I love them, but it pains the engineer in him to spend money on something that's already dead and is going to be thrown out in a few days and "serves no useful purpose." Judith expression softens -- at least the part coloured by hostility. She's still confused. I guess she can't believe he genuinely likes her. He hands them to her, saying, "Hamlet only appeared to be mad, you know?" He walks off slowly, past a group of kids sitting on the sidewalk practicing classical music while being taped by another amateur videographer. Judith still hasn't said a word, but she raises her camera and tapes him walking off.
Helen's in her car, apologizing for cancelling on Jeremy once again. She says he's very sweet but she knows he's busy, too. In response to a comment of his, she says, "Yeah, it was…simpler and freer. Now there's just not a minute, is there? Yeah…just one day…no responsibility, no disappointment. Sure. Tomorrow. Bye."
Luke's studying in the library when someone tosses a wad of paper at him. He turns around and sees Grace, a distance away, gesturing for him to pick it up. As he reaches down for it, trying to be inconspicuous, someone who either has extremely heavily tattooed legs, or is wearing very interesting stockings, walks by. Luke reads the note: "My house, no parents, after school." When he looks up, Grace is gone. He smiles, pleased with himself.
JoanCam. It's on Grace, who's at her locker and scowling at the camera. She's wearing a shirt with the word "rebel" in sequins. See, she has a sense of humour. Joan: "Tha-a-a-at's good…Angry Grace. Something I recognize. How about a rant? Identity chips that were secretly implanted at birth." Grace slams her locker: "That's true." Joan walks ahead of her down the hall as she coaxes her, "Okay, okay, how about…um…bar codes! Why don't you give me a little bit of that magic? Come on!" Grace rolls her eyes and exclaims, "Dude!" when she sees Judith coming with a camera, too. Judith zooms in on Joan, who says, "Could you not?" Judith: "What's the biggie?" Joan: "How about you leave a little bit of my life for me, okay?" Judith: "Whoa! Somebody went off her meds. Want to tell the world why you're so pissed off?" Grace is standing there, and now Friedman's behind her. Joan: "Just back the hell off!" Judith asks her what her problem is. Joan: "You and Adam! That's my problem!" Judith, alarmed: "What are you talking about? I -- I was taking care of him." Wrong idiom to choose, girlie. Joan: "More like jumped all over him. I can't believe I ever thought you were a friend! You are a cold, selfi --" Adam's there suddenly, telling her to lay off Judith. She laces into Adam with sarcasm: "Oh, I'm sorry. You don't want her feelings getting hurt? How touching!" Judith is horrified: "You think I'd ever make a move on your boyfriend?" A crowd is starting to gather. Grace: "Did I miss something?" Joan says she saw her. Friedman takes note of the gathering crowd as Joan says she has it on video: "You are such a psychopath!" Adam: "Cut it out, Joan! Stop!" Judith says Joan's her best friend. Joan snarls, "You just used me to steal a life because you don't have one!" Judith cries: "I really thought you were different! You think I'm just some selfish bitch? Fine! Why disappoint you?" She pushes her camera at Friedman and walks over and kisses Adam hard. Me: "Oh no you di'in't!" Friedman tapes it as Joan pulls Judith off Adam and they start a pretty wimpy fight with a lot of hair-pulling and [STRUGGLE GRUNTS], as the closed captioning informs us. I am so calling my band that. But the band won't play the tinny-sounding quasi-metal accompanying this scene. Or maybe it will. I'm crazy like that. The boys in the peanut gallery are in clover, watching the girls fight. God, grow up already. And…here comes the law. Mr. Price! It's Mr. Price! He's back. "The Joanith" is rolling around on the floor now, as Mr. Price demands to know what is going on and tries to pry the Joanith monster apart. He manages to separate them slightly and lecture them at the same time. Once they're apart somewhat, Adam drags Joan away. Price: "Stop it!" Then there's a [GUITAR CLIMAX].
Okay, a catfight must be a new low for this show.
After the commercials, Price has Judith and Joan in the computer lab. Judith: "I'm not taking the heat for this one." Joan: "Yeah, she's a real angel…of darkness." Price, who has a large Band-Aid on his forehead, tells them both, "Quiet. Mr. Friedman has kindly supplied us video evidence of the altercation." Friedman tells Judith, "All for your protection." Price, becoming impatient: "Is this gonna happen in our lifetime?" Friedman finally gets the camera set up. It plays some older footage, from somewhere back around page three. Price sighs, irritated, as Friedman apologizes and fast-forwards the tape. He comes to the footage Judith secretly shot of her and Adam in the art room. Joan's shocked to see it, and even more shocked to hear the content of their conversation. After Adam says, "I love her," Price declares, "We are not here to watch a soap opera." Friedman fast-forwards again and comes to the part where Judith tells Adam to hang on to Joan, and there's all the stuff about saving each other's lives. Joan grabs the camera from Friedman, and when Price objects, she swats his hand away. Hee. Joan sees everything leading up to the hug, and then she can't see anything very well, because she's overcome with remorse and her eyes are filled with tears. She looks at Judith, who just looks pained and glances away. Price has seized control of the camera and found the fight, the part where Judith kisses Adam and then Joan grabs her. Price: "Any last requests, Ms. Girardi?" Joan shakes her head slightly; she has nothing to say as the camera fades out on her face.
And comes back up on a poster of Che Guevara. The door it's on opens to Luke's face. That was a weird sequence. Joan-Che-Luke. Luke smiles slightly when he first gets a load of Graceland. The walls are a most incongruous bright, sunny yellow, but Grace has done her best to plaster them with stuff. Hey! The trunk at the end of her bed is practically identical to the one in my front hallway. Her room is somewhat cluttered and messy, but not terribly. There are lots of stickers all over the furniture. Bet her parents love that. I find parents are always thrilled when kids slap decals all over things. The bed is sloppy, there's stuff hanging out of drawers, et cetera. But it's not a pigsty. Luke tries to take stuff in as Grace says, "Speak, creep." Nice. There's a Mandela poster on the front of her door. He says he likes it: "It's a little…tidier…than I thought it'd be." Grace says she's not tidy: "I just thought you should be able to walk in here, that's all." Luke smiles: "That's nice. Thanks." Grace: "'Nice'? 'Tidy'? Do you have a death wish?" Luke suddenly spots something and walks over to it: "Ohh…dude!" He picks up a little stuffed whale (which is right to a beautiful geode, which looks a lot bigger than the one I remember him giving her, but is certainly meant to be the same one): "It's Splash! The original Beanie Baby." Grace grabs the whale and says, "It's the first inflationary bubble of our lifetime. My mom stood in line at five in the morning to get the second run. It opened my eyes to the dangers of capitalism." Luke: "I have Pinchers." Grace is suddenly unguarded: "The lobster?" They're standing on either side of her bed now. Luke: "Originally released under the name Punchers, retired in 1987, which briefly inflated the price to over $5,000. A classic lesson that any economic system is subject to the whims of human emotion." Wait, 1987? I thought Beanie Babies were introduced in the early nineties. Grace adds, "And easily exploited by the rapacious elite." They're both sitting on her bed now. Luke says, "The cool calculation of science meets the heated imprecision of economic theory." I really don't know what the hell he's even talking about, but it seems to turn Grace's crank, because she smiles broadly and is starting to kiss him when she suddenly hears the front door open. Her mother calls, "Grace! I'm home!" Whoever said that, her voice seems very familiar. I can't place it. Can't wait to see who plays her mother. Luke says he'll sneak out the window. Grace hesitates and then says, "No. Stay." They kiss.
Joan's outside, attempting to clean spray-painted graffiti off a concrete post with something in a spray bottle. I don't know what she's using, but it isn't working. That may be part of the punishment, I don't know. One of the custodial staff Gods comes up to collect some garbage. She notices him and he comments, "They never think…somebody else is gonna have to clean it up." Joan: "Well, I'm that somebody else for a week." I imagine the union might have something to say about that. I can't believe she's not suspended. Janitor God agrees Price is tough, but says she went "a little over the line." Joan: "You said to look below the surface. I tried, but I was wrong about everything." He says, "Well, perception depends on how you see, not just what you see. You know, white light contains all the colours of the rainbow, but you'd never know it unless you change the way you look at it." Joan thinks: "They were hugging. Okay? That's all I saw. It just…hurt so much." "And it stopped you from seeing all the colours. So there was no light." Joan says there's so much coming at her. God knows: "Just make sure you take it all in. Let yourself be dazzled, Joan." He leaves, and Judith comes walking out. She slows down when she sees Joan, who turns awkwardly back to her work. Judith walks up to her and they look at each other -- and the bruises on their faces -- with regret. Judith finally says, "Gimme a rag." Joan does, and they start wiping at the graffiti in total futility.
Helen pops into the den to tell Will she's going out. He says since she's going out, he thought he'd deal with some of the bills. She offers to do them later. Will: "After today, you don't…need to be any more depressed." She smiles and says she shouldn't be late. He calls out, reminding her to take an umbrella, because rain is forecast.
Out on the porch, she stops, and then walks over to the window where she can look over his shoulder at him working. She sits down, pulls out her cell phone, and calls Jeremy: "Hi…uh, no. I can't make it. Yeah, I -- I know. It…would be nice, but…the thing is, I…can't. I don't want to." Pause. "You don't…have to understand. Bye, Jeremy."
Helen comes back in with her coat off, and Will asks, "Something wrong?" She says, "No. I just…I..." She bends down and kisses him. "I would just rather be home." Will watches her as she goes over and settles on the couch in front of the fire. She glances over her shoulder at him.
Adam's in his shed looking through a box of videotapes when Joan comes in from the rain. Joan approaches his workbench slowly, saying, "You can, uh, throw me out if you want…I'll understand." Adam says softly that he doesn't know how she could have thought what she thought. She sits down opposite him and brings forth the excuses: "Well, it just…seemed like…you were saying we were such a drag." Adam looks hurt and confused: "Things are changing so fast. I -- I didn't know who we were, and -- and having a video of that…I don't know. I couldn't handle it." He puts a video back in the box. Joan picks one out and looking at it, asks, "Are these all of you?" He nods: "My mom and I used to take them all the time." She looks at one labelled, "Adam age 7 Summer '95." He says he hasn't looked at them since she died. Joan: "I'll watch them with you." She hands it to him, and he thinks about it before putting it in his dusty portable TV/VCR.
A seven-year-old Adam is taping his mother (played by Adrienne Evans) as she waters strawberries and flowers. As she narrates her action, Adam's eyes become teary. She takes the camera, saying she wants to get a shot of her little artist: "There he is…why don't you show me your pictures?" A little kid who is remarkably well-cast as the young Adam (Max Knowles) picks up a drawing of "Mr. Lemonhead," which he says is for her. His mother compliments him on it, though it really doesn't look like the work of an artistically gifted seven-year-old; it doesn't seem…advanced enough, somehow. His mother says, "I love you so much, baby." Little Adam: "I love you, too." His mom beckons him to come give her a kiss…and he walks over to the camera and pretends to kiss the lens. Fiona Apple's version of "Across The Universe" starts playing, and Adam's nearly blind with tears as his mother turns the camera on the two of them. His mother continues admiring his various drawings. Adam hasn't taken his eyes from the screen. Joan comes around and stands beside him, stroking his back gently on the line "Possessing and caressing me." He finally turns away from the screen, sobbing slightly as he puts his arm around Joan's waist and cries into her chest. She holds him and strokes his hair; she's leaking a bit but not crying as much as Adam.
I don't know. I've admitted before that the dead mother stuff always works on me (and so does Adam crying), so of course, I'm bawling. But I do feel somewhat manipulated, particularly by the re-use of "Across the Universe." It just feels a wee bit shoddy, trying to capitalize on the perfect emotional pitch of "Jump" instead of developing something new or different. The same goes for having Adam and Joan experience an intense rupture and then bond again over his mother loss. On the other hand…the cast on this show generally acts the heck out of anything they're given, compensating greatly for any weaknesses in the writing, so it's not like I didn't enjoy this -- apart from the catfight nonsense. I feel, though, that there's been some real unevenness in the writing this season, and now that we're nearly a third of the way through that season, I'm getting nervous that it's not just a fluke here or there. Are you there, Barbara Hall? It's me, Deborah. You need to write more of the episodes. I know you're busy and all with other projects (like your film about the death of John Lennon's mother, mentioned in the recent Elle article about you), but no one has quite your touch with this show, except perhaps Hart Hanson. (And where is he, anyway? He needs to come back, too.) The show's still good, but I have faith it can be even better.