Desolation

S01E23

By Deborah

Shout-outs to Tabbyclaw and Ebongreen. Also, y'all should know that since Professor Frink and I were in Manhattan when this aired, we were able to watch it in our hotel room with Sars, which made it extra-good. ["Aw, that's what I was saying about y'all!" -- Sars] It's the first time I've ever watched an episode of any show I recapped with my editor present. So I will be including some of Sars's real-time remarks in the text, and her editorial comments will be inserted in square brackets as always. And you will laugh at all of them, if you know what's good for you.

It's a dark and stormy night. No, really. There's a fire in the hearth and music playing in the Girardi living room. Helen's in her pyjamas and robe, sitting on the couch reading or perhaps doing a crossword, when someone comes to the door. She gets up to answer it, griping about the fact that no one else could be bothered. I like the way the lightning makes it possible to glimpse through the curtained window the distinctive hat of one of the people standing there. She opens it to find two state trooper types standing there; though they ask for her, she immediately assumes they're looking for Will. She tells them she thinks he's in the shower. But they tell her they have bad news: her son's been in an accident. I'm sure now that this must be a dream, but I can't help thinking for a split second: Luke? Or Kevin…again? They confirm it was Kevin. She insists it can't be; Kevin called from the party he's at. One trooper explains there was an accident as Kevin was leaving the party, and they've come to take her to the hospital: "I'm afraid his condition is serious." Helen asks how serious. He simply replies, "Let us take you to the hospital, Mrs. Girardi." Helen hesitates, saying, "I remember this, but not this house…what house is this?" She looks around, and sees Kevin walking down the stairs, shirtless, with wet hair and a towel around his neck. The trooper tells her that her son's condition is critical. Helen points to Kevin and says, "No. There he is. Look!" Stopped on the stairs, Kevin asks, "Who are those clowns?" Helen turns back to the doorway to see two actual clowns standing there. Yikes. Maybe television shows should be required to provide warnings for coulrophobics, like the ones they have to broadcast about violent and sexual content. Clowns? Always scary-ass. I can't believe they are primarily called upon to entertain children. She starts guffawing as the clowns sort of glide into the house somewhat. She laughs and calls to an unseen Will that he has to come see this. We see the clowns standing there in the doorway with sad expressions as we cut to Helen tossing and turning in bed, muttering Will's name.

The nightmare continues (as does the stormy weather), this time in a large, dark, empty church, as a nurse or orderly wheels an elderly woman in a wheelchair down the aisle. Creaking loudly, they pass behind Helen, who is in her pyjamas, standing at a table full of tall tapered candles (mostly lit), and lighting one herself. She doesn't seem to hear or notice the people moving past her. She puts down the match and starts walking toward the altar, saying, "Look, here's the thing. You can't let my son die. You just…can't. I know I haven't been good, but that's no reason to punish him. Take me, instead. Just don't punish him for what I've done wrong." It's more a demand than a plea. She sits in a pew. The camera angle changes, and in the row behind her, we can see Cute Guy God sitting there, looking concerned. Sars: "I know it's blasphemous, but he's yummy." He asks, "Do you think that's how I work, Helen?" I would have jumped out of my skin (even in a nightmare) but she just turns slowly and asks, "Who are you?" He says, "I'm God." Helen, obviously skeptical: "As in…God." He nods. Helen: "Burning bush, tower of Babel, Ten Commandments God?" He nods, saying, "I've been through this with your daughter." Helen wonders what her daughter has to do with this. Cute Guy God: "Everything." Helen: "Are we talking about Joan? My Joan, can't-finish-a-book-report-on-time Joan?" We cut back to Cute Guy God, only this time it's Joan sitting there in a purple sweater, but it's still Cute Guy God's voice. And it's creepy, let me tell you. Creepy Joan God replies, "She's open to possibility. That's my favourite instrument." Helen asks what he's talking about. Creepy Joan God: "Just be open. That's all I ask." Creepy Joan God gets up and walks out. Helen watches and says, "No, come back. What are you doing? Joan! Joan!"

Helen suddenly awakes and sits up in bed; Will's awake, too, and concerned. He reassures her that she was dreaming as she gasps. She tells him how real it was, and that she dreamt that the cops came to the door to tell her about Kevin. Will strokes her arm, saying he's had that dream, too. Helen: "Do they turn into clowns?" Will, already lying down again: "Almost never." Credits. I hope they redo the cast pictures and clips for Season Two. I'd like to see some new stuff in there. They're going to have to include Christopher Marquette, anyway. And Becky Wahlstrom. Right? Right? During the commercials we discuss the issue of seeing God or other religious personages in one's dreams. Frink mentions that in Islam, it's said that the only two beings who can't be impersonated in a dream are God and the Prophet Muhammad, so if you see either one in a dream, it's for real. I'm not sure if Helen would find this comforting or not. ["I think it's thoughtful of Islam to clarify this eventuality specifically. I told, like, ten people how nifty I thought that was." -- Sars]

Joan's at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with one foot up on a lower, nearby counter. The leg of her jeans is rolled up, and she's dabbing calamine lotion on a large, red, inflamed area on her leg, and scratching it too: "Great. Leprosy. Just in time for summer." Isn't it just a little gross to be doing this in the kitchen? Luke says it's probably a staph infection she picked up in the locker room. He glances at it and says, "Ooh, very tenacious. Calamine's not gonna do it." Joan: "Hey! Sometimes science should be seen and not heard." Kevin, closing the fridge, comments, "Legs are overrated. Take it from an expert: you can still get laid. Oh, yeah." Heh. Joan: "Do boys have to talk?" Helen comes down the kitchen stairs, apologizing for being late: "Who wants pancakes?" Kevin points out that they're already eating: "Day-old burrito for me. Luke has some fish sticks, and Joan has corn chips." Joan: "Bean dip -- protein." Helen grouses that they're all going to get scurvy. Luke: "Joan already has it." Helen looks at Joan's leg and asks, "What is that?" Joan: "It's God's idea of a cruel joke. Last day of school, party in the quad, everybody wearing miniskirts: let's give Joan herpes." "Everybody" in miniskirts? Who's sponsoring this party, the Gap? Like Joan ever wears miniskirts, anyway. So not her style. And I'll just bet Grace is ripping her closet apart right now, trying to decide between her pink miniskirt and her peach one. Helen says she looks cute in jeans. Joan: "You don't like boys looking at my legs." Helen: "Yeah. I'm kind of Amish that way."

As she fills a coffeepot, she offhandedly mentions she dreamt about God last night. Joan looks concerned, but before she can say anything, Helen pleads with her children to at least have some juice. Joan: "Are you kidding?" Helen: "Just a thimbleful of vitamins. It might even cure your rash." Joan says she was talking about God. Helen: "God was like this teenage boy, and then he turned into you." Joan laughs a nervous, fake laugh. Luke: "I have my recurring dream: Manning the Mars lander." Kevin tells him there's no man in the Mars lander. Luke: "Well, there is in my dream…and he's naked." Joan: "Whoa!" She makes sounds of revulsion. Will comes down the kitchen stairs: "Pancakes?" Helen says she'll make some. Will was actually offering to do it himself. He kisses her, and she says she accepts. Will tells his sons, "She was making Lassie sounds in her sleep." Joan: "Too much bedroom." She holds up and waves a warning finger. Helen continues, "It's just that God was in this corduroy coat, and then he turned into Joan." Joan asks, disturbed: "Brown corduroy coat?" Helen, not terribly surprised: "Yeah. Very handsome." Joan: "Short, spiky hair?" Helen: "You've had that dream?" Joan: "Sort of. But why are you having it?" Luke, breezing around the kitchen: "Oh, classic mother-daughter psychic connection stuff." He believes in that? Will takes a cell phone call and has to leave to deal with a hostage situation: "Domestic [conflict] gone bad." And it's at the precinct. Kevin: "When does a hostage situation ever work out?" Will kisses Helen and says he'll call her. As he leaves, Joan asks exactly what God looked like and said to Helen in her dream. Helen tells her it was just a dream, and that Joan better get her leg looked at. Joan, glumly: "Oh, believe me…it's gonna get looked at."

From the warm golden Girardi kitchen to the cold, grey-blue police station. The place is crawling with cops who've drawn their weapons, surrounding a guy who's holding tightly onto a pretty blonde woman and pointing a handgun at her. They're inside a glassed-in interview room or office. Various civilians and support staff are scurrying around, trying to get out of the way. Will arrives, wearing a bulletproof vest, and asks Toni for a synopsis. She says it's just your average domestic dispute gone bad: "Guy with a 9 mm to his wife's head, asking for his mommy." Detective Chewy, who is in fact chewing something, tells him they brought him in and tried to calm him down, but he suddenly went nuts and grabbed a gun from a uniformed officer: "Here we are." Chewy's okay, but I kinda miss Lt. Daghlian. Who's with me? ["I feel you." -- Sars] Toni tells Will the guy's name is Walter. Will calls out to Walter, introducing himself and saying he'd like to work something out. Sars: "Now he's a hostage negotiator?" Seriously. Wouldn't there be special staff on the force for this? I suppose his experience being taken hostage a few months back qualifies him somewhat. Walter reads our minds, making us laugh: "What the hell are you, some kind of hostage negotiator?" Will: "Walter, I'm the guy who's gonna get you out of here, if you'll let me." Walter: "Oh, yeah, like out of the frying pan and into the fire. You'll decide what I'm about, and you'll put me away, and I won't get a chance." Will tells them they can discuss that at length: "Just put the gun down before someone gets hurt." The wife finally speaks: "And I am pregnant, too!" Will, to Toni: "Oh, boy!" Toni semi-sarcastically says he's doing great. Walter wants to know where his mother is. Another officer tells Will quietly that she's on her way. Will relays the information to Walter and asks him to hang in there. He comments to Toni, "I want my mother." Toni: "Who doesn't?"

Joan's bent over in the hallway, pants leg hiked up, scratching the hell out of her rash. Grace wanders up: "Ew. What's with the flea bites? STD already? I thought there was an incubation period." That's the Grace we know and love. Joan snipes, "A little louder, please." Yay! "Written by Barbara Hall." Joan's wearing a lemony-yellow top which I think must have been selected, for plot purposes, to accentuate her sickliness, because it is not a flattering colour on her. They start walking as Grace observes that Joan seems a little sweaty. Joan: "All this blatant flattery, I feel really great about myself." Grace: "Does this have anything to do with 'the do'?" Joan: "What 'do'?" Grace: "That you did with Rove." Joan: "But I didn't." Grace: "Everybody knows about the hotel." How, exactly? Who would have known enough to tell anyone? I doubt Adam's telling anyone, and Joan's parents seem unlikely suspects. Who else knew what they were contemplating, other than Luke and Grace? Neither of whom probably knew specifically about the hotel. Luke might have overheard his parents' argument with Joan that night. But seriously -- why would he blab that?

Just then Friedman comes up behind Joan and puts his arm on her shoulder: "Congratulations! And thank you for putting the subdefectives on the map." Joan: "Whoa! Nothing happened, okay? Adam just…cleaned the carpet." Friedman considers that and says, "I like." He kind of gestures to Joan's body and adds, "And the carpet seems very shiny today." Ew. Can I get an emesis basin, here? I wonder if the front desk has any. Also: Shut it, Friedman. Joan smacks his face lightly and calls him a pig, as Grace slaps the back of his head on the other side. Heh. Can I get a loop of that? Sars notes that he is again wearing a turtleneck dickie under his polo shirt. What is with that? I mean, it's weird enough under a long-sleeved shirt, but with short-sleeved shirts, I truly don't get it. They run into Adam in the hall, who's carrying a big stack of oversize art books. He doesn't really stop, explaining that the books are overdue and he'll catch her later. When we watched this in the hotel room, I complained that the books seemed to be way too light for him to be carrying them so easily. (I've carried a lot of stacks of books in my life, people. Take my word for it.) But I've now decided that he's just a little beefier than we give him credit for. He's not just a sensitive artiste. All that carpet cleaning and garbage-emptying is paying off. Joan says, "Sure," as Friedman interjects: "Ouch. Post-coital avoidance." Joan: "There was no coital!" Friedman: "You just went from a Persian carpet to a throw rug." I honestly can't understand why Grace hasn't yet ripped his dickie off and fed it to him. Grace puts her arm around Joan and asks Friedman, "How would you like to be a throw rug?" She leads Joan away as Joan complains that she doesn't feel very good. Grace: "Friedman is a termite. Come on, buck up. You can't miss the liberation festival on the lawn. Student-faculty egg-and-spoon race, hmm? Who needs drugs?" Well, I think Joan might, but for other reasons. She says she feels kind of dizzy. Friedman, still hanging around like a bad cold, adds, "And hot." Joan: "Shut it!" Hee! I yell that that's a shout-out. He says he meant hot. I guess he gathered her body temperature from that all-too-quick smack on the face. Joan says she going to go do some puking: "I'll be back."

The standoff at the police station continues. Walter's mother arrives; it's HITG! Debra Mooney. Sars mentions that it's Edna from Everwood, which I wouldn't have known since I don't watch it. But I recognize her from many appearances on other shows. Toni tells Will she's Ruth Washington. Dude: the guy's name is Walter Washington? No wonder he's on edge. Mrs. Washington says, "He's a good boy. It's that Denise who's trouble." Will says they have to make sure Walter doesn't fire the gun or he'll end up in prison for the rest of his life: "Not to mention losing a woman and her baby." Mrs. Washington: "Baby?" She insists nobody believes what Denise says. Will tell Ruth he's not sure she's helping as much as she might be. Walter catches sight of her and calls out, "Mama?" He's moved a little farther away from his wife at that point, and at least a couple of cops must have had a clear shot at him, but they don't fire. He yells, "Mama, I need you!" She says she's here, and asks him to put the gun down before someone shoots him. Shouldn't she have been put in a bulletproof vest by now? Walter: "Tell them how it is, Mama! How she is! They don't understand!" Denise keeps struggling to get out of his grasp. She's rather stupid. All her struggling only makes it harder for a cop to pick him off without accidentally shooting her. Denise, who's not the greatest actor they've ever had on the show, hollers, "Look, I am carrying his baby!" Ruth: "Well, you might be carrying somebody's. Put it down, Walter, I am not gonna come visit you in no prison." Walter: "But you gotta make 'em listen, Mama!"

He tries to tighten his grasp on Denise, who continues squirming and struggling. He accidentally fires the gun, which he's pointing out into the room…in exactly the direction from which his mother happens to have approached him. The glass shatters, and she falls to the ground, shot in the chest. Denise screams. Walter, shocked, lets go of Denise and looks at his gun, stunned, as the cops all move in on him. He throws the gun out into the room -- always a smart thing to do with a loaded weapon -- and Will rushes to Walter's mother. Walter doesn't put up any fight as he drops to his knees with his hands behind his head. The cops deal with Denise and Walter as Will kneels beside Ruth, holding her hand as blood pools behind her head. She raises her head as if to speak, and can't get any words out, so her head just hovers in the air slightly, eyes and mouth wide. She finally drops it back again and wheezes slightly. Sars asks, "Anyone smell ham?" Oh, yeah. Even though nobody in this hotel room eats pork, the scent is all too familiar. Will turns and looks at Toni, and then back at Ruth.

Dripping tap. Joan's in the washroom, rinsing her face. She's pinned her hair up out of the way. She hangs between the faucet and the shelf at the bottom of the mirror, mumbling to herself, "Barfing, rash, last day of school…you're a real party-in-the-box." She straightens up and sees reflected in the mirror two identical twin girls of about eleven or so. They're wearing matching dark velvet dresses with short puffed sleeves and white hairbands in their dark hair, which is worn in a flip. The dresses are weirdly frumpy and make their arms look extra gangly and weird, and they stand there in a very dead posture. Frink finds their hands very creepy. Sars mentions The Shining, but I haven't seen it, so you'll have to supply your own comments on the parallels between the twins. In unison, with some kind of slightly spooky sound effect on their voices, they ask, "Do you think that's how I work, Joan?" Joan turns her head slowly to look at them and remarks, "I thought we were going with monotheism." Bwah! That might be the funniest line of the entire season. The Troublemint Twins (they're two, two, two gods in one!): "I'm impressed you know what that is." Joan whimpers, "Why are you torturing me? And don't say I'm torturing myself." The Troublemint Twins: "Sometimes it's hard to believe what you see. So you have to trust the world behind your eyes." Joan: "There's a world behind my eyes? Great. Because this one is enough trouble." The twins reply, "People manage to believe in me, even though they have no idea what I am. They trust me, even in a silence." Joan, still leaning on the sink for support: "Oh…okay…can you just take care of the rash, and the…barfing…and save the haiku for another time?" She groans, nauseated, and leans back down closer to the sink. She lifts her head slightly again to glance in the mirror, and she sees the Troublemint Twins morph into one. Joan, impressed: "Very Matrix." God tells her, "Go to the doctor. You're sick." No shit, eh? Omniscience ain't what it used to be. She walks out. Joan calls out, "Oh, I'm sick? I'm sick? Ha!" Her body convulses with a fresh wave of nausea and she says weakly, "I'm sick," as she runs for the toilet again.

At the police station Will looks at Ruth on a gurney. Walter, being led around in cuffs, complains, "You can't keep from my mother! I have rights! You let me talk to her." Chewy tells him, "Here's the problem with that: you shot her." Walter insists, "She can't be dead! She can't be!" Chewy: "Funny thing about the bullet in the heart…" Toni: "Very predictable outcome." Will tells them to book Walter and he'll wrap things up at the station. They lead Walter past his mother as she's being wheeled out. Denise contributes unconvincingly, "I'm not the crazy bitch. She's the crazy bitch." To Ruth: "You are the crazy bitch, and your son is a moron!" So's whoever cast you. Really, she's just bad. She continues her feeble rant: "And he shot you! You see that? You got that?" Will steps in front of Denise and says, "Mrs. Washington, please." Denise: "Please what?" Walter's mother suddenly sits up and takes off her oxygen mask to say, "He was aiming at you. I wish he hadn't missed!" Will looks stunned, but it's like he's the only one who saw this. She returns to her resting position and is wheeled out with her eyes open. Will says, mostly to himself: "That woman is dead. I saw her die."

Outside at Arcadia High, Mr. Price's head is sticking out through a brightly coloured target at which kids are throwing something, probably water balloons. I can't believe there isn't a lineup a mile long for that event. I also can't believe he's willing to do this. It must in his contract or something. Joan, Grace, and Luke are walking through the party area as Joan complains that she's sick. Luke suggests that she find their mother and go home. Joan says she already went looking for her and was told Helen had gone home, and she can't find Adam. Grace observes, "Oh, look, they made it three-legged this year. Inspired choice: tying yourself to a faculty member. I've had that dream." I'll bet Friedman's trying to get himself tied to Ms. Lischak at this very moment. We all notice Michael Welch's height advantage over the other two, and agree that he's gotten taller this year. We don't discuss it, but Sars and I are both thinking the same thing: "And cuter." Joan walks and scratches at the same time. Joan says she needs to find Adam. Luke says, "Hornsby's the one to beat. Three-year reigning champion." Grace: "The typing teacher? He's, like, eighty." Joan whines, "Where is he? Is he at the library?" Grace: "Are you talking to your little invisible friend?" They run into a wet-headed Price, who asks, "So…who wants a shot at beating Hornsby? He's going down. Ms. Polk: here's your chance to humiliate a faculty member." Grace: "Oh, they don't need my help." Hee. Price asks Luke . Luke: "Mmm…ovophobia. It's a fear of eggs." Everyone looks at him incredulously. Luke shrugs: "It's a real thing." Suddenly everyone and everything freezes except for Joan. That's kind of Charmed-esque, isn't it? I don't know; I never watch that either, but sometimes I see bits of it because it comes on right after this, while I'm scrambling to get recaplets written. I see people getting frozen a lot. Joan looks around, stunned. Mascot God comes up to Joan and says, "You should do it." He advises her to be in the race. Joan: "You said 'go to the doctor.'" Mascot God: "I say a lot of things." Joan, sick and confused, "Okay…was that you…in the bathroom?" Mascot God: "It's me here now, and that's the point. My name is I Am, not I Was." Mascot God marches off. Suddenly everything and everyone starts moving again, right where they left off. Price says, "Ms. Girardi, I'm not saying this could affect your final average, but --" Joan: "I'll do it." That has to be the least resistance she's ever given a Godtask. Price takes off after her, surprised it was so easy. Grace, to Luke: "This is alarming."

Helen walks into a large church with lovely stained glass. I'd probably be more impressed with it (and the one in her dream) had I not spent the morning of the broadcast at the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine. Dude, now that is a church. I can't urge you strongly enough to visit it -- the largest Gothic cathedral in the world -- if you find yourself in Manhattan. How many other churches have a triptych by Keith Haring? And if you liked the piece of celestite Luke gave Grace, you ought to see the one-ton, 200-million-year-old chunk of crystal they've got in this place. It's a truly awesome place, in more ways I have space to tell you about here. Just go see it for yourself. Helen sits down in a pew in the front row. The church is empty now; a couple of other people just left. She sits there, thinking a moment, when Cute Guy God walks up behind her and says, "Helen?" But it sounds like Father Mallory's voice. As she starts to look up to see who's behind her, she also notices that Father Mallory has passed in front of her and is standing at the end of the row, carrying some books and saying, "Helen?" Frink points out that both Adam and Father Mallory were carrying books, but I really don't know that there's anything to be made of that. She looks behind her, still convinced someone was there, and exhales forcefully. Father Mallory makes kind of a questioning gesture with his hand. She finally explains, "You scared me. Is this -- is this your church?" He replies, "It's my parish, yes." Helen: "Right, right. You guys don't go around owning churches." He asks her how she's been. She says she's been good: "I'm teaching, Kevin's…doing well, everybody's okay." Father Mallory, gently: "So why are you here?" Helen, a little touchy: "Do I have to have a problem to be here?" He replies, "No, of course not…I -- it's just a simple question." She says she came to think about things "God-related." He says that's a good exercise, and that he'll leave her alone. As he walks off, she suddenly says, "I dreamt about him." Father Mallory turns, and Helen gives him kind of a sheepish smile. He glances ever so nervously upward -- clearly remembering some of their discussions, and probably wondering what he's in for this time -- and walks back to sit to Helen, asking, "What did he look like?" Helen: "Teenage boy." Father Mallory: "I haven't had that one." For some reason this makes me burst into highly inappropriate laughter. Helen: "So you've dreamed about him, too?" He replies, "Yes. He usually looks like the Gorton['s] fisherman." So he looks like Josh Lyman when he's hung over? (Josh, not God.) To Helen's questioning look, he adds, "I like boats." Helen: "So…it's however we want to see him." Father Mallory: "Or her." Okay, I take back any snarky thing I ever said about this guy. He's a'ight, he's a'ight. (Sorry, I've been watching too much American Idol. I'll be better soon, I promise.) Helen: "But why would I want him to be a teenage boy?" Father Mallory asks if he looked anything like Kevin: "That could be why." She says that what she really needs to know is, "Was it really him, or was it just…a dream?" He replies, "I don't know, Helen. I mean, I know what I'd choose to believe." Helen: "Not Freud?" Father Mallory chuckles a little and says, "Right. Freud did a lot of cocaine." Sars: "I'm-a stitch that on a pillow." I find the image of Sars stitching anything on a pillow as amusing as the comment itself. He continues, "That doesn't mean he was wrong about everything. It's just…" Helen's body language says she's not getting the answers she came for. He says that the real question is, "Do you want it to be God?" She sighs and her shoulders sink: "And that's all it takes?" Father Mallory: "No. That's where it starts." She doesn't say anything to that. We get a nice shot of the light coming through the stained glass window above the altar.

Back at Arcadia High, Joan's tied to Price (ew) and they're holding out their spoons with eggs in them. Someone fires the starting gun and Price advises Joan, "Keep the upper body still." Joan says she doesn't think she can do this. Price: "Everybody feels like this the first time." Joan's having trouble keeping her body upright, never mind keeping her upper body still. She says she's going to fall down; Price insists she's not. to Price is a girl in a neck brace; is she the same one from early in the season? I leave it to someone less lazy to figure out. The Troublemint Twins are to her in the race, saying, "I thought I told you to go to the doctor." Joan looks horrified. Joan: "Then you told me not to!" God Squared replies, "No, I didn't." Joan insists otherwise: "Yes! Yes! You were the mascot! And then you told me to join the race!" Price asks, "Joan! Joan! Who are you talking to?" He turns to face her, and his eyes suddenly morph into green CGI demonic cat eyes. He grins. Joan is really losing it. She freaks out, gasping, "Are you the devil?" She turns to the Troublemint Twins and demands, "Is he the devil? I mean, I always knew he was bad, but…" The twins tell her, "Learn to see in the dark." The world goes all wobbly and slo-mo as Joan starts to faint; she sees the concerned faces

of her brother, Grace, and Adam, and we see a closeup of her egg falling from her spoon and smashing on the grass. Joan's eyes roll back in her head and there are goofy sound effects -- a mixture of her heavy breathing and standard horror-movie record-being-played-backward stuff -- as she falls to the ground with a soft thud. Wait -- where's Price? Shouldn't she be taking him down with her?

After the commercials, Joan wakes up to find a face over her, haloed by a large light behind his head. He's holding up a small flashlight and saying, "Follow the light, Joan." Hey, I know that voice -- it's Doctor God. (I think that's what I called him. There are so many Gods now, I need a spreadsheet to keep track of what I called them and where they appeared. I think I'll spend my summer putting that together. Not. If there's anyone out there with no life to speak of who wants to take on the project, though, and send it to me, it'll get you props in a Season Two recap.) Joan mumbles, "I don't wanna die…I haven't had sex or my own apartment or anything. I wanted to try veganism. I had plans…" Hee. Doctor God says, "Joan…stay with me here…let's go to the light…it's a whole other thing." Joan sits up in a panic and asks, "What's going on?" She finds herself tethered to monitors of various sorts as Doctor God explains she's in the hospital: "The doctor will see you, then you'll know what's wrong." She looks at him and asks, "Why are you acting so mysterious all of a sudden?" "All of a sudden"? He says, "I've always been mysterious. Without it, there is no faith…and we love faith." Joan, confused: "Who's Faith?" Doctor God: "Lie down. You're feverish." Joan complies as he leaves.

Out in the waiting area, Kevin is griping about the fact that he can't get his mother on the phone. Luke says she turns it off in class and forgets to turn it back on. Grace is sitting to Luke. Adam's to her, with his hand up to his face. Kevin complains, "Women and technology. What is that?" Grace: "It's too early to resort to pack-animal behaviour, dude." I do hope she'll let us know when the proper time arrives. Kevin grouses that their father's a cop, and they can't reach him, either. He wheels off. Adam says to Grace, "She thinks I'm going to dump her." Luke: "Very classy move, dude." Adam leans forward to look at Luke: "What?" Luke: "Friedman explained it. Oh, yeah: post-copulatory discard." Sars: "Shut it, Friedman." I think it's safe to say that no good can ever come of listening to Friedman -- especially about sex. He stands up: "That's my sister." Adam stands up, ready to…fight? I can't really imagine either of these two mixing it up. Adam didn't exactly give Ramsay a run for his money when the bully was beating the crap out of him. Grace unfolds her crossed legs dramatically, one leg flying up in the air quickly as she stands up and says, "Primates! We are here for Joan. A little restraint." Luke and Adam glare at each other a bit and then everyone sits down again. After a pause, Luke asks, "So, are you dumping her?" Grace: "Leave it!" Adam: "No! Okay, that's insane. Why would I ever?" Aw. Luke: "Because you were…you had…" Adam: "We didn't 'have,' okay? Not that it's any of your business." Kevin's behind their row of seats suddenly, saying, "Voice mail!" He leaves a message for his father, telling him Joan's at "the hospital," sick, and he should call back. Couldn't someone at the police station find Will, wherever he is, and get an urgent message to him? Also, it would seem that the bustling metropolis of Arcadia would have more than one hospital. Grace asks, "Should we send for a priest? How do -- how do you people do it?" No one answers her. I'll just bet Father Mallory would love to be called in to deal with this bunch. He'd probably leave the church and disappear on a fishing boat forever.

We cut back to the church, where Helen is lighting candles among the table full of votives. I think she lights at least three -- maybe one for each child. Suddenly a draft blows through the church, extinguishing a few of the candles, and Helen says to herself, "Joan." She sets down the match and runs out, as the camera rests on three candles to the left of a cross, one of which is no longer burning.

Will walks through the hospital, not far from the area where his sons and Adam and Grace are sitting. But they don't see each other. Kevin pulls out his phone again. Don't most hospitals keep you from using your cell phones inside these days? Whatever.

We cut to Ruth Washington, sitting up in a hospital bed, shoveling green Jell-O into her cakehole like it was any other day. She tells Will, who's standing at her bedside, "My mother always said I was too mean to die. I guess she wasn't far off." Will says he was there when she was shot: "You had no heartbeat. I saw you…leave." Ruth wants to discuss other stuff: "Let's clear up this Walter business. 'Cause that girl Denise is crazy. She's attacked him with a butcher knife a dozen times. He never calls the police. Says he loves her." Will says Walter will get his day in court and have a chance to explain. Ruth says they won't look for the scars. Will: "What scars?" Ruth: "Check his arms, his chest. Knife cuts -- they'll be there. She does it every time." She adds, "I'd feel better if you wrote this down." He says he'll remember. He asks, "So…was there a…tunnel, and a light, and all that?" Ruth: "Are you asking me if I saw God? You don't have to die to do that." She eats some more Jell-O. Will looks troubled by this remark.

Joan stirs from sleep in her hospital room to find Little Girl God perched on her bed, googly-eye antennae and all. She asks, "Feeling better, Joan?" Joan squints and touches her head, saying, "I feel like I got hit by a Hummer." From the TV, Newscaster God informs her, "That's an appropriate analogy, Joan." Joan looks at the TV, puzzled. Little Girl God: "Drink some water." Mrs. LandingGod suddenly brings her a cup of ice water, saying, "Here you go, dear." Joan is puzzled by the presence of all these manifestations of God: "How can you all be here?" No one explains, but Mrs. LandingGod pulls back the curtain to reveal Smoove G sitting at a chess board. He says, "Life's a paradox. It's about holding two opposing in your head, such as: 'It's only a game.' But: 'It's the only game.'" Joan: "Save it, Lord of the Rings. What's wrong with me?" (Wouldn't "Lord of the Kings" have been funnier?) Newscaster God: "You're experiencing a fluctuation in the market." Little Girl God: "You're having a crisis of faith." We can see Goth God over by the window now; he contributes, "A dark night of the soul." Mrs. LandingGod: "Plus, you're very dehydrated." Frink: "It's the God Squad." No kidding. But where's God Marley? He was one of my favourites. Mrs. LandingGod pours more water as Joan moans, "I am so not signed up for this. How -- how can you all be here at once?" Goth God asks, "How could we have ever been here, Joan? Maybe that's the question." Joan: Are you saying that I imagined you?" Mrs. LandingGod says she's always had a great imagination. Joan: "Is -- is -- is that what's happening to me? Am I sick? Is that it?" All the Gods stare at her but say nothing. Joan: "Tell me!" Still nothing. "Why aren't you saying anything anymore?"

Will's waiting at an elevator -- the kind with doors on both sides that open at once -- when Helen, facing the other direction, gets off on the other side. Will walks into the elevator, while Helen stops, and turns, trying to figure out which way to go. They both see each other at the same time, and become alarmed. Will walks through the elevator and walks toward his wife. She asks, "What is it?" Will doesn't know. Helen: "Why are you here?" Will: "Why are you?" She says she had a feeling. He asks her what kind. Suddenly Kevin calls out to them: "Mom! Dad. Where the hell have you been? I've been calling." Helen says as Luke walks over, "It's Joan, isn't it?" Luke says the doctor has the labs.

Back in her hospital room, Joan is still grilling the God Squad, albeit weakly: "What's the big idea? I was just walking around minding my own business and you introduced yourself and starting dropping in like a bad boyfriend." Joan puts her cup on the bed tray in frustration and sits up a little in bed: "I do everything that you ask. I -- I -- I -- embarrass myself and humiliate myself in…really creative ways. I don't have sex…which I easily could have. I do all of this to make you happy, even though before we met, I didn't even believe in you. And what's my reward? Warts. Barfing. A fever. And now…" She whispers: "Silence." She looks around at their unmoving -- and unmoved -- expressions. She half-hollers, "Give me something, if you don't mind!" Still nothing. She flops back on the bed in frustration.

A different doctor is talking to Helen and Will about Joan's diagnosis: "Lyme disease. Caused by a tick bite. Could have been lying dormant in her system for a long time. The rash on her leg gave it away -- which is fortunate, because sometimes the rash is overlooked, and the symptoms of this disease are misdiagnosed." Helen asks how. The doctor explains, "It manifests in subtle ways at first: moodiness, extreme behaviour…" Luke interjects, "That's every girl. They're all infected." Grace narrows her eyes at him. Helen also gives him a look. The doctor continues, "But later on, it becomes more serious: scattered thinking, lack of concentration, and eventually aural -- even visual -- hallucinations. Sometimes people are misdiagnosed as mentally ill." Grace: "This is clearing up a lot for me." It would help explain a lot of Joan's flakiness and apparent gaps in common knowledge and inconsistent levels of intelligence -- the latter two being pet peeves of mine this season. Will asks what the treatment is. The doctor says she needs a course of antibiotics: "We'll start her today and keep her overnight for observation." Helen wants to know how long this could have been in her system; the doctor replies, "Months. In some cases, years." Luke: "But all the symptoms will go away, including the crankiness?" Kevin: "Yeah, that's like Joan going away." No one, especially Helen, finds this particularly amusing. The doctor assures them, "Uh, she'll be herself, whatever she was before." Adam finally pipes up in a small, sad voice, "Well, I didn't know her before. And I like her now." The doctor says Will and Helen can see her now. As they walk off, Adam asks no one in particular, "How different will she be?"

Joan tells the five silent Gods, "Fine. I can sit here all day, too." As the sun suddenly moves so much more rapidly than normal that we can see the shadows on the wall moving, she adds, "I never liked…any of you." She points to Goth God and says, "Especially you." Is that because he made her ask Ramsay to the dance? She whines, "Go on! Just leave." She starts hollering: "Go, okay? Dump me like Adam did! Please go!" They all walk out slowly (well, except for Newcaster God -- the TV just shuts itself off) as Joan panics about what she's done and says, "Wait! Are you really leaving? You can't just abandon people!" The God Squad exits as Helen and Will enter the room. Helen and Will don't see them -- but remember, that doesn't mean they're not there. God has told us from the very first episode, "I'm not appearing to you. You are seeing me." Helen hugs Joan as she asks how she is; as she does, she notices Joan's fever and says, "Oh, God. Oh, you're still so hot." Will sits on the bed and apologizes that she had to be alone for so long. Joan, woozily: "Alone? Are you kidding me?" She sinks back on the pillow. "Those people you saw leaving just now, they've been here the whole time driving me crazy." Helen looks toward the door, puzzled. Helen: "What people?" Joan: "The…oh…you walked right past them." Helen's concern increases, and she sits to Joan and puts her arm around her: "Okay. Honey…we need to talk. You may have…been imagining some things." Joan: "No, I'm not crazy." Helen: "No, of course not! Just sick. And you may have been that way for a little while. But you are gonna get well." Joan: "I'm sick?" Helen promises her she's going to be okay. Tears start running from Joan's eyes: "It was never real? I've always been sick?" She cries, not sparing us the unpleasant doubling of her chin as she clutches her mother's clothes. You gotta love her lack of vanity. There's one freeze-frame where she looks much like a drawing by Aline Kominsky-Crumb -- and if you know AKC's work, you understand what I'm saying here. Sars: "They couldn't have given her another take?" Frink: "'No, Amber! Uglier! Uglier!'" Hee hee.

During the commercials, we see one for a new-fangled toilet brush, and discuss innovations in the field. I confess my pathetic fascination with a battery-powered toilet brush I saw at the grocery store (but did not buy). Sars's comment on the whole subject: "It's a toilet brush. You're not supposed to be able to make risotto with it." Hee!

Will walks through a hospital hallway alone, only to have Mrs. Washington hectoring him from behind: "Did you see about it?" He stops and turns: "Mrs. Washington! You shouldn't be up and around." She looks better than I feel, I'll tell you that much. She tells him, "You make sure my son gets a fair case. You look for those scars." He says he's going to take care of it, and that she should get back to bed. She thanks him and glides off down the hall. As Will walks away, the lights in the hallway above him start snapping off in succession. He finds this slightly odd, but keeps going.

Adam wanders into Joan's hospital room. Helen's on the sofa. May I just take this opportunity to point out that this room is enormous? It's the size of a large studio hotel suite. And it's not exactly swanky, but it's pretty decent. Those are some health care benefits the Girardis have. Helen says Joan's sleeping. Adam says the others went home, and asks if he can sit with her. Helen agrees, of course. She smiles and says Joan's going to be fine. Adam says, "You know, I was never gonna dump her." The way they keep bringing this up makes me feel like they cut a scene early in the script somewhere. Because while Friedman suggested to Joan that Adam might toss her aside now that he'd nailed her (or so Friedman believed), there's no scene where there's any interaction between Joan and Adam that would lead Adam to think Joan was worried about that. And there's no reason for him to guess she'd think or fear that, since they didn't actually have sex. Anyway. He admits he was avoiding her a little: "It got too hard. I got scared." Helen: "Hey, these are intense feelings, Adam…processing them at your age…" Adam: "Yeah, but she saw me at the bottom, Mrs. G. Crying and complaining and scared. How's she gonna forget that?" Helen: "She won't. And neither will you. It's called a bond." And she did say "bond," for all those people out there who think she said "pond." Come on: "Pond"? They glance at Joan, sleeping.

We see a bunch of photographs of Walter with his shirt off, displaying the scars from many knife wounds. Will's studying the pictures: "Real nice." Toni says he never filed a complaint against Denise, and some of the scars are years old. Will says if Walter has a history of being abused, he's got a case for himself. Toni points that he's still facing kidnapping and manslaughter charges. Will: "Yeah, but he won't get the time he was looking at before." Suddenly he adds, "What manslaughter?" Toni: "His mother." Will looks troubled. Toni: "She died, Will. Heart attack. Right after your interview. Didn't you get my pages? Voice mail?" Will: "She couldn't have. I saw her." Toni explains, "After you interrogated her at the hospital." Will: "No, I saw her in the hallway right before I came here." Toni shakes her head: "No, you couldn't have." Will thinks about pushing this, and then considers word getting around again about his mental balance or lack thereof, and thinks better of it. He says, "Well, I guess I didn't." Toni leaves. Will sits there puzzling. Frink: "'Psst! Chief! Will's a nutcase!'" Sars: "'Pass it on.'" Yeah, he definitely doesn't want to be stuck on desk duty, so he's just going to mull this over privately.

Joan wakes up again, rolls over, and sees Adam sitting beside her bed: "Hey." Adam: "Hey." She asks if she's still in the hospital. He tells her she's going to be okay. Joan: "I was kind of having a weird dream. Have I been acting crazy lately?" Hmm. Define "lately." While you're at it, define "crazy." Adam: "Not to me." Joan, suddenly: "Are you dumping me?" Adam drops his head and says, "No. No, of course not. I -- I just wigged out. I -- I -- I've told you things that I've never -- never told anybody." He moves to sit on the bed. "I mean, there's things in my head, you know…I keep them…to myself, and it makes me feel crazy. When I say them to you, though, you know, I don't feel that way anymore. You know? You don't give me that thousand-yard stare." Joan: "Yeah. The doctors think I'm having these hallucinations because I've been sick." Adam assures her she's going to get better. In a very quiet voice she says, "That's not the point." Adam looks at her with concern. She continues, "Something's been happening to me for a long time. I need to…say it out loud to someone I trust." Adam: "Say it to me." Joan: "You have to promise you'll believe me." Adam nods, without much considering the implications of such a promise. Ah, youth. Joan: "Oh…" She emits an empty chuckle, not knowing how to begin. "I've been talking to, uh…" Another empty chuckle, and she comes out with it: "I've been talking to -- to God." Adam smiles with kindness and interest, and possibly some relief, and says, "In your dreams?" Joan shakes her head. Adam: "In your head?" I wonder if Adam believes in God at all. We know he talks to angels (or at least uses them as a metaphor), but I suppose he could believe in them without believing in God.

Joan: "I kind of see him. He just started coming around. He always looks different. Sometimes he's a she. It's scary and…annoying." Adam looks at the wall above Joan's bed and swallows, and I wonder if he's being reminded of his mother's mental illness. Then he looks back at her as she continues, "But the thing is, when I obey, things turn out okay. I mean, I see things, I understand things. I feel like I get the point." Adam clearly doesn't know what to say. Joan: "When I gave you that -- that picture, God told me to give you a gift. I got confused. I thought it was about sex, but…but it turns out, it was -- it was just that little gift, and when we looked at it, it was like you and I were going to the same place in our heads. Didn't you feel that?" Adam says nothing, and his eyes are watery. Joan: "Didn't you?" He still doesn’t say anything. Joan's eyes are teary, too. She glances away briefly before saying, "You have to believe me. If you believe me, then…I know it's not crazy, but if you don't…" Joan expression is a mixture of pleading and confusion. She adds, "You promised…" as Adam takes her hands. We can see the similar, if not identical, silver rings they've both been wearing on their right index fingers for a while now. He says carefully, "I believe…that you believe it. They say the infection, it stays in your system a long time. It makes things looks crazy." Joan laughs weakly. Adam: "You know, sometimes, when…when I'm doing my art, I get these visions…" Joan, tearfully: "Never mind." She turns over in bed, away from him. The song "One Last Time" by Lauren Hart starts playing and continues through to the end of the scene. Adam: "Jane…" She doesn't respond. He says, "I'll see you tomorrow, then? Jane?" She's as silent as the God Squad. He gets up and kisses her on the head. She doesn't move. Would he have believed her if she weren't sick, and if he hadn't been told her illness can cause hallucinations? Very good work by both Amber and Chris in this scene. It could very easily have been overplayed, but they both showed the restraint of actors much older and more experienced than they are.

Luke and Grace are walking along the street at night. Grace: "You didn't have to walk me. You could have gone with your brother." Luke: "It seemed ungentlemanly." Grace says that's not a word, but I believe it is. He adds that he likes walking: "Although this is a lot of walking. Uh, do you always walk this much?" Grace: "It's how I do my thinking." Luke: "That's why you're so smart." She turns and snipes: "I'm not smart." Luke: "Of course not. I didn't mean smart. I meant intelligent. They're…not the same thing." Grace says she likes the quiet when she walks. Luke: "Of course. Which you're probably missing right now, with me talking." Heh. He looks up and says, "Stars." Grace warns him not to mention them. He says he wasn't going to, then adds, "You know, it's virtually impossible to see them in the age of light pollution, you know…" She suddenly stops in front of him and demands, "Why did you give me that rock?" Luke: "It's a geode." Grace: "To me it's a rock. Why?" Luke: "It was a -- a gesture…of friendship." Yeah, looks like she's really buying that. He admits, "Possibly courtship." Grace can't suppress a smirk: "Courtship? That went out with the corset or the Walkman or something." Luke, assuredly but not arrogantly: "I don't follow trends." She asks if he broke up with Glynis because of her. Luke: "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous." Grace: "Okay, I won't. Because that would be ridiculous, so let's not go there." She starts walking again, but Luke stays put, asking, "Why is that ridiculous?"

Grace stops and starts giving him reasons: "I'm friends with your sister." Luke: "Right." Grace: "I'm older than you." Luke: "A year. Eight months, actually." Heh. Somebody's done the math. She walks toward him: "I have a reputation. I've worked hard to build it. Do you know what my reputation is?" Luke: "You hate me?" Grace: "I'm anti." Luke: "Okay. Anti what?" Grace: "What have you got?" Hee. Luke asks if that means she's never going to fall in love. Grace: "I'm never even gonna fall in 'like.' And I'm certainly not going to be courted by some rocket-head geek. I mean, if it got around school that you were giving me things?" Luke wants to know why she cares what people think: "I mean, if you're anti? You know, shouldn't you like the idea of us, if you're anti?" Grace: "I'm not that anti." Luke: "Oh, so you're moderately anti." Ha! Grace: "Look, geek…" Luke interrupts, "And besides, you know, love is irrational. It's like this anaesthetic goes off in your brain eliminating all reason so the act of procreation can occur." Grace, mighty uncomfortable: "He-e-e-y…" Luke: "It's a natural state of imbalance built into the whole system. You know, a chemical reaction necessary to the conditions required for Darwinistic --" Grace suddenly declares, "Look, I am not into you -- got it?" I'm half-hoping she'll add: "I'm in love with your flaky sister," but I guess they're not going there. (Yet.) It's hard to tell whether she was just trying to spare his feelings earlier with the excuses she gave, and is now telling the truth, or is actually interested in him but too afraid of intimate relationships and is just saying this to turn him off once and for all. Luke says, "Yeah." They look at each other for about three seconds, and then they start kissing like crazy. Yay! Yeah, okay, it's a somewhat clichéd way for them to get together, but I still think it was a really good scene and I'm happy to see them together. (And in my defense, I would like to point out that Sars also clapped and said a little "Yay" when it happened.) I'm sure Frink is happy too, since they're his two favourite characters. It's also nice to see Luke has become so much more secure in his moosculinity (tm Tabbyclaw). Months ago, he never would have had the nerve or confidence to hang in there for such an unpleasant confrontation, especially with someone as prickly as Grace. Some guy walks past them and stares at them making out as he goes. Take a picture, buddy -- it'll last longer. Or, you know -- just replay the scene seventeen times, like I did.

Will comes into Joan's room. She's asleep, and Helen's on the sofa, also sleeping. Will kisses his wife gently, and she wakes up. They both sit on the sofa as Will tells her he had a strange day. Helen says they all did. Will says his pager and cell phone both failed: "It's like there's something in the magnetic field. Are there solar flares?" It's probably Mercury retrograde. She tells him to ask Luke. Will: "Joan got sick. You had that…feeling…in a church. It's a we-e-eird day." He refrains from adding, "Also, I see dead people." Helen senses there's something he's not saying: "What?" Will wonders why she was in a church. Helen: "Because I had that dream. And…I don't know. I guess I believe in God." Will: "It's a guessing thing? You don't have to sign up for sure?" Heh. Helen: "Here's what I think: you decide…to put your toe in the water, so you go in a little at a time. And sometimes you come all the way out, 'cause it doesn't feel right…but the water is always there." Will: "Why is the water so hard to understand?" Helen: "That I don't know." Guru Frink: "Because the river you stand in is not the river you step in." Will: "Why is it being so mean to us?" Heh.

Helen says she talked to a priest today. To Will's very mild reaction, she explains, "I'm telling you now -- I wasn't gonna hide it." He just looks at her. She asks, "Do you want to hear what a priest said?" Will: "Was it a handsome priest?" She laughs: "Not as handsome as you." He tells her to go on. Helen: "He said we go through times of consolation and desolation. Consolation is when…things are flowing, and everything makes sense, and you feel connected, and…you're aware that God is present, and…has plans for you. Maybe…even likes you a little bit. You remember that?" Will: "Sometimes." Helen: "Desolation is the other thing." She hesitates, then says, "When you are…scared…and confused and alone and out of step and your cell phone doesn't work and…your daughter gets sick, and…the cops come to the door and say there's been an accident. God…retreats, and you're left with your own thoughts, and those thoughts are…dark. There are answers there, he told me -- and strength." Will wants to know how long desolation lasts. Helen: "As long as it needs to." She touches his face gently, and he takes her hand. Joan suddenly says, "He isn't real." Her parents get up and walk over to the bed. Helen asks, "What, honey?" She rolls over to face her mother and says, "You're talking about God." Pause. "He isn't real." Uh-oh. This is where the show changes its name. Frink: "Nietzsche of Arcadia." Sars: "Joan of Munich." Helen just touches her head and tells her to get some sleep. Will kisses her head and they walk away from the bed slowly, holding hands. Joan rolls back over on her side.

The scene dissolves, and we see Will and Helen asleep on the sofa. Cute Guy God enters the room and goes to Joan's bedside. She, too, is sleeping. He studies her, his face lined with concern. He reaches out and touches her head, his fingers in her hair, his thumb drawing slowly across her forehead. It might be seen as a baptismal gesture, or one of anointing or healing the sick. Joan doesn't wake or stir. He continues looking at her, his face very serious. God walks out as Joan turns onto her left side and the camera withdraws through the window, drifting up toward the "University Medical Center" sign on the outside, its caduceus lit so brightly that it looks like a fat cross. The camera continues floating up to the stars, creating a perfect bookend to the pilot, which you'll recall opened with Joan in bed, hearing God's voice, and closed with her lying in bed, thinking about her extraordinary experiences with God, as the camera drifted across a starry sky. Now we spend the summer contemplating faith and doubt; thinking about consolation and desolation; and most importantly, checking Amazon constantly, trying -- probably in vain -- to pre-order the first season DVD. Hurry up, Sony. We need it, like, yesterday.