Previously: A wall got head from The Situation. SamRo 2.0 broke up for the bazillionth time, but that didn't stop the drama when Sammi questioned roses that Ronnie bought her. Naturally, he threw them in the trash. Sitch spread a rumor that Snooki spread for him.
It's morning (or, more likely, afternoon) in Florence, and everyone is sleeping while Sitch moans and groans about his neck pain. Yes. The pain he caused by ramming his own head into a concrete wall. Everyone eventually wakes up, and Ronnie makes a beeline for Sammi, telling her that he loves her and wants to clear things up. He realizes that he let his ego take over the night before. A bit later, Sitchy is still whimpering when Pauly emerges from bed. Pauly thinks Sitch looks ridiculous and should "stop milkin' that shit" and make better use of his time in Italy. At some point, he purloined Sitch's neck brace so he and Vinny can make fun of their good friend in the confessional booth. Sitch calls his sister Melissa to tell her what happened. He says he's so miserable he's thinking about leaving. She affirms that running head-first into a wall was "a crazy move" and basically tells him to stop being a baby and wait a few days before piling one more bad decision on the heap.
The ladies drop their stuff at the lavanderia before heading to lunch. They all agree that the altercation between Ronnie, The Situation, and the wall was scary. They think Ronnie should realize he was being awful and pipe down for a couple weeks. Sammi notes that Sitch is depressed, but JWOWW is unsympathetic. She says (and they all agree) that Sitch needs to buck up because his only injuries were self-inflicted. Therefore, he has no right to bitch and moan, nor is he entitled to anybody's sympathy. Snooki says that her ill feelings toward Sitch haven't changed, but she's happy they're not fighting for these few glorious moments. Then JWOWW asks, "Could you imagine a fight like that going on with the girls?" They all laugh. Not sure if it's short memory or they've actually reached a point where they can laugh about the Miami histrionics.
Back at la casa, Sitch tells Ronnie he's thinking about leaving. So ludicrous is this idea that Ronnie doesn't even launch into pleas or pacifiers (which is 100% what Sitch wants). Instead, he says tersely, "No." That said, Ronnie does empathize with the loneliness that Sitch is going through (again, self-imposed!), so he offers Sitch a shoulder to cry on. Of course, Sitchy can't actually take him up on it since he can bend his head... Sitch reveals what this is really about: He feels impotent because needs others' help to do just about anything. I say "just about" because moping is clearly still within his skill set. If there were a moping marathon, he would take first place.
Ronnie rubs Sitch's back and tells him that he's there for him even after their fight. Then, awesomely their little talk becomes a full-on therapy session. Ronnie says, "It's not all about being tough. Be real. Let it all out." I cynically wonder if the producers encouraged him to take this tack just so they could get footage of The Situation crying. Whether they did or not, Ronnie's anti-Dr. Phil works a charm. Sitch blubbers as he reiterates that he hates not being able to do anything for himself. Then Ronnie ridiculously asks if Sitch wants to go to the gym with the other guys. Sitch laughs at the absurdity of this suggestion and, like a plastic bag dancing in the wind, the moment must end. Ronnie's point is that Sitch would benefit from getting out of the house, but it's just such a nonsense choice to make. Not dinner or a walk in the park or something low-impact. Instead, he suggests Sitch go watch as his pals full-on grunt and strain and pop veins out of their shit. That's Ronnie's idea. No, that won't amplify Sitch's feelings of impotence at all. Also? A little bit HoYay!, no?
In any case, Sitch starts to feel a bit more levity about his plight. He thinks back at his foolishness and has to say it out loud to fully believe it: "I ran into a concrete wall." He later interviews, "No matter how many times you got knocked down, man, it's how many times you get up." Like this was a scenario in which he was "knocked down" and not just a supreme act of idiocy. Whatever it takes to get you through the day, bro. Sitch decides he's going to "man up" and stay. Also? He is desperate for fame, so any actual leaving really makes no sense. If he actually makes good on his threat, that's the end of the drama. Clearly he was never going to actually leave. He chokes up as he thinks Ronnie for hearing him out, especially in contrast to everyone else's seeming apathy. Or, you might say, their wisdom for seeing The Situation as the toolbag he is and letting him stew in his own juices for a little while as they laugh at him from a distance. Sitch goes into the bathroom to take off his neck brace like he's running a damn victory lap. Ronnie breezes through, knocking on a nearby wall, and says, "By the way, this wall's sheet rock." Zing!
Back outside, the girls are rolling their suitcases of laundry around town. Snooki's boobs bounce in her low-cut top as she stumbles over the cobble stones in front of a cathedral. A priest asks, "Can you cover your body, please, when you're walking in front of a church?" Snooki tells him to shut up, calls him an asshole, and keeps walking. I'll repeat that: Snooki just called a priest an asshole. She catches up with the others and tells them what happened. She thinks the people at her church would have complimented her boobalicious outfit and adds for emphasis, "God likes my tits. He made my tits." JWOWW snarks, "God didn't make mine."
The girls arrive home, and Snooki calls Jionni. She says she called to tell him he's the best guy she's ever met and makes her happy. And what is the cherry on top of this love fest? "I wanna suck your butt," followed by a belch for emphasis. And like Sammi setting eyes on Ronnie's roses, Jionni is not impressed. He tells her to stop saying stupid stuff. She says that's just her, and she doesn't like being scared of being herself in case in might make him mad. Like an abusive dickhead, he says, "You should be. I am." He continues, "I don't even know what's going to happen when I get there." She tells him not to come if he's so worried about keeping up appearances then abruptly ends the conversation.
She heads out to the smoking room and vents to Ronnie, who happened to be within earshot when this exchange occurred. Ronnie advises her not to change who she is just because she's in a relationship. And he would know. He never let being in a relationship with Sammi stop him from motor boating fat chicks. That's who he is! He tells Snooki she should go on with her freaky self and tell Jionni to suck Nutella off her toes. (He came up with this on the fly, completely out of nowhere, it's worth mentioning.) Snooki doesn't miss a beat: "Well not my toes..."
That night, we learn Deena has talents besides bicurious robbery and falling down. She is schooled in the art of hair. As such, we get to see Pauly without hair gel for the second (maybe third?) time in Jersey Shore history. In a years' time, people will point to this moment and say, "I remember what I was doing when..." She blow-dries his hair out fully, then begins to plaster it with gel until he has a pretty solid mohawk going on. Pauly rightly points out that he looks like JWOWW's boyfriend Roger. Deena says she'd bang him, not that that's news.
With his new hairdo, Pauly adopts a new persona -- Joey D -- who wears sunglasses and track jackets and screams a lot. Wow, really stretches the limits of your creativity on that one there, Pauly. Vinny decides to get in on the action, donning a sweatband, sunglasses, and a similar track jacket. He explains, "We are dressing up like the ultimate guidos right now, and no one knows more than guido toolbags than us." He does not add, "Because that's who we are." Deena is befuddled about the boys' use of the word costume for their guido outfits. Mainly because these are their normal clothes, not some ridiculous track suits they bought for a one-off chuckle. The guys won't be put down by her logic, though. They apply chapstick liberally because apparently chapstick is the key to guidodom. Vinny has adopted the moniker Louie, and he calls Pauly Tony for some reason. Guess they remembered there were too many Jersey Joeys in play on TV. Vinny does some ridiculous running man-style dance moves, and Pauly declares, "I'm gonna fuckin' fist pump 'til my fuckin' arm falls off." Again, these are costumes how? Then Joey/Tony (née Pauly) plays like Louie (née Vinny) fist pumped in the eye. He yells, "How many times I gotta tell you? Don't fist pump near my eye!" They stop dead in their tracks. Pauly makes it about five seconds before cracking up. They name their new routine FPC -- Fist Pump, Pushups, Chapstick -- and do all these things in a row over and over again like a little dance. Pauly says "FPC's a way of life. I'm a guido for life!" Wow, I didn't know Guidos had the ability to be meta or ironic. JWOWW concludes, "You are like every guy I ever dated. I swear to God!"
It's telling that Sammi and Ronnie are not involved in this little interlude. They wouldn't have the self-awareness to stomach it. As such, the mood shifts when they decide to have yet another conversation about what they are to each other. In particular, Sammi is having a hard time dealing with the fact that Ronnie got another girl's phone number and -- gasp! -- actually used it to call her. Ronnie says he didn't know what their status was coming into the house. She immediately adopts an aggressive stance, saying she doesn't care and accusing him of doing her dirty. I guess when Sammi gets her snatch on someone, he's cordoned off for life. She calls him a pig and says she's grossed out by him. In the other room, Pauly, Deena, and Vinny can hear the whole exchange going down. Pauly says, if he has to hear another SamRo 2.0 fight, he'll smash his head into the wall. Interestingly, no one laughs.
Back outside, Ronnie admits to making a mistake and apologizes, but Sammi isn't buying it. He admits he called this girl one night when he was drunk, but Sammi thinks it's damning that he's in touch with the hussy enough outside of the house (i.e. back in the States) to bring her number with him to Italy and disguise it as a guy's phone number. At which point Ronnie brings up Arvin. Oh sweet baby Jesus, not this again. Back inside, Pauly carries on with his thought process, saying Sitch smashed his head into the wall he was so sick of SamRo 2.0's bullshit. Vinny: "He had the right idea, actually."
Outside, Sammi insists she's not guilty, but Ronnie thinks he is where he is mentally because of Sammi's past behavior. What?! That makes zero sense. Not that Ronnie's arguments ever make sense. He has one m.o. -- blame Sammi -- and he sticks to it at all times regardless of its applicability to the given circumstance. Of course the explosion of verbal diarrhea is all about how he loves her and thinks of her constantly. This is textbook abuse, y'all. And has been since day one. Why are counselors not called in for these two? For her part, Sammi tells him she's heard this line countless times before. He tells her fine then. If she walks away, he won't chase her.
Vinny finally has enough and walks outside to shut this shit down. He says he speaks for the rest of the house when he asks the two of them to keep their problems away from him and everyone else because it brings them down. On this one front SamRo 2.0 is united: They insist they weren't fighting but having a "normal conversation." While it's true the decibel of their voices was distinctly lower than usual, that doesn't mean their interaction was anything approaching normal. Of course, trying to explain normal to them would be like banging one's head against a wall. In which case, perhaps Sitch should be having this sit-down with them instead. He's excellent at banging his head against walls.
Vinny makes the valid point that their conversations in the past have had a way of turning on a dime and going from a "normal" exchange to screaming-yelling-glasses breaking melee. He says they're in Italy and is basically like, "Leave your shit back home." SamRo 2.0 say they take his point, and Sammi admits she respects where he's coming from. Vinny leaves, and Ronnie pushes that they still need to figure this out because the problem won't resolve itself. Sammi says she thinks she'll be okay but that they need to figure something out. Ronnie says he'll be fine either way -- with or without her -- though he would prefer to be with her. Sammi interviews that she thinks she and Ron are back together, if only for the night. She says he spoke differently to her than ever before, so she's going to give it another try, blah blah blah... I swear they just took footage from a season an imposed a classic Italian painting on the green screen in the background. S.O.S., y'all. I mean that in all senses.
The day, Ronnie and JWOWW head out for a drink together. Since his relationship is temporarily not a hotbed of drama, Ronnie feels the overwhelming urge to get all up in somebody else's. As such, he tells JWOWW the phone conversation he overhead between Snooki and Jionni. JWOWW agrees that Jionni's behavior is shitty and that he should have known what he was getting into when he started dating Snooki. They say they hate to see it because Snooki is so clearly in love with him. Ronnie questions what kind of man Jionni is. (That's rich.) JWOWW says ominously, "We'll find out soon enough."
That night, Snooki finds The Situation on the smoking porch and confronts him about lying that they hooked up. He says he was planning on "doing something" to make it up to her. She demands he admit he was wrong and apologize right then and there so they can move on. He starts off like he's going to apologize, saying that he shouldn't have said anything to Ronnie. "Maybe I should have said something to Pauly?" Snooki calls him a fucking idiot and storms off. Sitch interviews, "Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but I still care about the girl, and I tried to man up." Those three thoughts have nothing to do with one another (nor reality), right? And you can't even call it a Frankenbite because the quote is shown all the way through. He just makes no effing sense. He slurs, "You win some, you lose some," and Snooki says it's like talking to a wall with him. Or smashing your head into one.
But the guido lifestyle must continue, so everyone gets ready to go out -- including Vinny, who has decided to make skinny jeans happen. While wearing a shirt that says "THUG LIFE," mind you. Sitch also tags along. Has it been 10 days already? I would have guessed two. Then again, I would not be one bit surprised if he abandoned doctor's orders. Because what's the alternative? Read a book? I mean really.
The club is "crazy-packed," says Pauly, and everyone is getting their own version of the robot on (I'm not making that up, they're really doing the robot... or something like it). Ronnie leans into Sammi for a peck on the lips, and she is happier than ever. She tells Ronnie, "Don't hurt me." He promises, "Never again" and kisses her some more. She lies (mainly to herself) that this is the last and final time they'll go through this rigmarole.
Just when you think all is right with the world, Ronnie gets overly exuberant with his dancing and injures his knee when he falls over. He has to sit down and ice his knee for a moment, but is back up in no time. Because when you get the urge to hump a wall like Gene the camp cook with his favorite fridge, nothing can bring you down.
The girls aren't having such a good time. There are lots of pushy bitches about tonight, and they're getting on JWOWW, Snooki, and Deena's last nerve. I tell you one thing: If I had Deena acrylic talons pointed square in my face, I would indeed fall back. Not so for the American drunkos up in Club TwentyOne. One of them sees Deena's finger waving and ups the ante by pouring a drink on Snooki's head. Deena lunges at the girl like a dog at a piece of meat and has to be held back. At which point, the title card "MEATBALLS" flashes across the screen. Awesome. Snooki jumps in the fracas, and Deena says in a later interview it was like "Team Meatballs, attack!" Unfortunately, they were attacking each other. After several moments of mutual hair pulling, Snooki and Deena realize it's each other's weaves they're tugging on. Vinny pulls them apart and they're hugging and laughing about it within minutes.
Now that literally every combination of people in the house have sparred with one another (save eternally placid Pauly and Vinny), the gang figures it's safe to go home. While Ronnie makes pasta (as you do at four in the morning), Snooki calls Jionni. Judging from the fact she can barely operate the keypad and unleashes a stream of curses on the automated operator, it's obvious this isn't going to go well. Jionni picks up and Snooki starts slobbering how much she misses him and wants to be with him. He immediately spots that she's drunk, then out of nowhere jumps to the conclusion that she might have hooked up with someone. He keeps drilling her, and Ronnie sees the change in her mood. He walks over, grabs the phone from her hand, and tries to have a Jionn-tervention. Alas, it's a non-starter, and Ronnie hands back the phone in frustration. Jionni continues to upbraid Snooki for pissing him off and being a bitch to him, none of which she actually did. Snooki says he only cares about himself and asks what about her. At which point he abruptly hangs up on his crying girlfriend who just called to say, "I love you." She heads to her bedroom and to Crocodilly's sweet embrace.
A bit later, she heads outside for a smoke. Back inside, JWOWW tells Sammi she's disgusted with Jionni for how he's treating Snooki and how it's ruining Snooki's time in Florence. While they chat, Deena makes a booty call to her cute waiter friend. While she struggles to get a wine bottle open, he arrives and rings the doorbell to no answer. Someone finally notices the door buzzing and sends her over. How does she greet her lovah? "WHO IS IT?!" Ohhhhh, Deena. They head upstairs, where Sammi greets Elis with a little too much verve if you ask me. Seriously, I haven't seen her this enthusiastic in four seasons. While she takes pictures of the f*buddies, Deena knocks over a glass and starts bleeding.
Before you think all the anti-disiacs have been laid out tonight, just wait! Deena, realizing how drunk she is, heads upstairs with Elis to get some fresh air... on the smoking patio. She notices what appears to be a hickey on his neck, which he explains is from his sister. He says they like bite each other playfully like it's most normal thing in the world. That'll sober a girl up real quick. With that, Deena sends Elis packing.
The day, JWOWW calls Roger to tell him how much she loves him and can't wait to see him in a week when he visits. She updates him on the Jionni saga -- how he berates her and makes her cry every day. JWOWW is especially worried because Jionni will be arriving in Italy in just a few days, and she's not sure Snooki can handle it. She gets off the phone with Roger but continues the conversation with Deena, Sammi, and Ronnie as they go out for lunch. As they head back, they vow to try their best to cheer Snooki up. The hole in their plan, however, is that Snooki doesn't seem to want to be cheered up.
Or, as it turns out, she's just really hung-over. She claims she blacked out. JWOWW and Sammi bring her up to date on what a cretin Jionni is. She says she's never seen Snooki that upset before. Like a serial victim, Snooki blames herself for being drunk. JWOWW says it doesn't matter and adds that Jionni overstepped his bounds by mouthing off to Ronnie. JWOWW says they were considering an intervention. Snooki calls that idea "rude," saying, "You don't have to do a fuckin' intervention, I'm not addicted to heroin. I'm just addicted to my boyfriend's penis, that's all." Ronnie joins the conversation and has nothing good to say about Jionni. Snooki continues to make excuses, but JWOWW doesn't like the control he's trying to exert over Snooki. Snooki insists she's fine, that she's just crying because she misses Jionni, and takes offense that her friends are judging her. She insists Jionni is a really good boyfriend, and JWOWW says she is in denial.
week: The kids take a road trip, wherein Deena dances so forcefully that her underwear falls off, Deena and Snooki dry hump in il club. Also, we finally get to Snooki play bumper cars with the polizia.