Our host Julissa shows up in an outfit that makes Filthy Couture look cla$$y. She welcomes the gang, who have varying degrees of enthusiasm on their faces, ranging from Sammi (least) to Pauly (most).
Julissa turns first to The Situation and asks if it was their best summer in Seaside. The grammarian in me is all, "the better summer, the better!" (Since there have been only two.) Sitch says that, after Miami, everyone was more comfortable back in their native habitat, and it definitely showed. Hence stripper poles, anal probes, and now unblemished arrest records. Julissa asks Deena how her first summer on the shore was. Deena says she had a blast (in a glass!) and doesn't regret anything -- well, except maybe dropping trou in front of The Situation on the first night. Sitch jokes she's not the first girl to have that natural reaction. Nor would she be if her reaction had been to hightail it to the hills.
Julissa introduces the first package, loosely described as all the things the gang said and did to make us laugh. Highlights: JWOWW manipulating her boobs, lady belches, JWOWW peeing behind the bar at Karma, Vinny "proposing" to Pauly (Pauly said yes!), and Sitch forcing his tricks into his sweats. Julissa asks JWOWW if she has an abnormally small bladder. JWOWW half-asses an excuse that Karma is really big and it'd take a long time to get downstairs to pee. Vinny jokes that he knows where JWOWW's dogs get their shameless bathroom habits. Julissa turns to Sitch to ask him if he thinks girls are sexier in boy clothes. He says that getting them into sweats is an easy way to sidestep all their complicated feminine apparati like bras. Julissa snarks, "You mean to tell me by now you don't know how to work a bra?" Sitch just goes, "Ohhhhhhh," and doesn't bother responding. Wow, they really don't care to be here, huh? Guess they didn't get paid for this episode. Julissa asks Pauly if he's going to DJ his own wedding to Vinny (in Rhode Island's neighboring Massachusetts, presumably). Pauly plays gamely along, saying he's happy to play both roles -- bride and DJ. Julissa rationalizes that he must be the bride because he requires more hair gel.
Now time for the one-on-ones. Snooki is first in the hot seat. At the beginning of the summer, just as now, our girl is Snookin' for Love. Snooki says she was disappointed that none of the juiceheads were looking for the true love this past summer. Eventually, she says she just started playing the game by the guys' rules and hooking up. She calls out Vinny for sending mixed signals, and he jabs back that her he was probably the best guy amid her "brilliant line-up of men." She spits back that he has no room to talk since he slept with about 40 girls compared to her two guys. She says she can find guys lots of places, such as the library. Vinny: "You don't go to the library." It's true, but Snooki is in a fighting mood, so she tells him to can it.
Julissa wonders why Snooki keeps returning to Vinny. Ronnie yells out, "Seabiscuit," referring of course to Vinny's ginormous cock. Snooki insists it's not strictly dickly, that she enjoys the flirting, too. Julissa asks why Snooki and Vinny's relationship declined, and Snooki says that Vinny became a jerk-off over the course of the summer, specifically when he agreed to snuggle with her at the beginning of the night, then picked up another girl by night's end. Sammi leans on all sorts of feminine stereotypes (all of which Snooki represents, mind you) as she chips in that Vinny led Snooki on. Julissa wonders if Snooki still has feelings for Vinny. Snooki says she still loves him as a friend, but the romantic feelings have been ruined. Vinny announces that she's lying and still holds a torch for him. Snooki insists she never fell in love with him, only "deep lust." Vinny: "I lust you, too, girl."
And it's onward and downward as Julissa offers this intro, "Our girl did a little gorilla juicehead upgrade this summer," before bringing JWOWW down to the couch. First order of business: What happened with Tom? JWOWW says she created a monster, that Tom was insecure, and that she should have broken up with him way back when she discovered Pauly's Prince Albert in season one. Julissa moves on to Roger, asking JWOWW if she broke Ronnie's rule not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore. JWOWW admits she did and is happy... so far. Julissa introduces the package, a.k.a. "the knight in shining tan muscles." We revisit JWOWW and Roger's courtship, in which our Sonic the Hedgehog-esque huh-ro goes from rebound to real thing. JWOWW gives the background that she and Roger had a summer fling three or four years back but says she is much better matched to him now. She explains that she waited to sleep with him until after she'd broken up with Tom because she has morals... "sort of," and -- oh yeah -- she didn't want Roger to have any ammo to use against her in case they got in a fight. Adds Snooki, "And she's not a whore." She thinks Roger is the perfect guy for JWOWW and plans to be their flower girl at the wedding. Pauly agrees that Roger makes JWOWW happier than he's ever seen her.
The Situation, a.k.a. "The Dog Whisperer of the Jersey Shore," is to the couch. Julissa jokingly asks about his special connection to dogs. He yammers a lot, and with no real point, instead of just saying, "I smell like meat and let them shit everywhere." Because that's what it really boils down to, right? Julissa introduces a never-before-seen "instructional video" in which Sitch partners up with JWOWW's dog Lean Cuisine to take over the house. He makes sure the dog stays allied to him by feeding the dogs anything and everything, not to mention allowing them to defecate and urinate wherever the urge strikes. JWOWW says she had no idea this shit was going down (literally), and Sitch spouts all sorts of crap (metaphorically) about how he had no intentions to let the dogs run wild, but it's not even close to believable... so, moving on!
Vinny and Pauly head down to the hot seat . Julissa reminds us that Vinny made up a new nickname for Sitch: The Snitch-uation. Sitch claims he doesn't think he was a snitch all the time but does cop to it when Ronnie chimes in that a better nickname would be The Instigation. Speaking of, Julissa has the package, which features Sitch stirring the pot over and over and over again. Highlights: The implication that Deena licks ass, that Ronnie was befriending JWOWW, and that Sammi was playing Ronnie with Arvin. Evil laughs and under-breath conversations on the duck phone abound. Julissa wonders why Sitch feels the need to put everyone on blast. He claims they're all personalities, and it's his job to keep people in check. Sammi accuses Sitch of going out of his way to cause drama, and Snooki hops on the bandwagon re: SamRo 2.0. He finally tells Sammi it's because he thinks she's a bad person. Ronnie interjects to say that Sammi's a hypocrite because she was all too open to Sitch's interference in Miami when he was tattling on the girls who wrote the note about Ronnie. Sammi calls Sitch a snitch, and he calls her a sneaky bitch, and they agree to disagree.
Julissa turns to Pauly, who jokes, "I love a good reunion this time of year!" He says he wishes he had some popcorn. Vinny plays the diplomat, acknowledging that Sitch is undeniably an instigator but also sometimes speaks the truth. JWOWW seconds that motion. Ronnie and Snooki question The Situation's motives, saying he might just be looking out for himself. Julissa wonders how Pauly maintains such an even keel in the midst of this madness. Pauly succinctly answers, "You get used to it," then basically says Sitch is a rat bastard. It's awesome. Because he could go around the room being all, "Sammi's a selfish asshole, Snooki's a whiner, Deena's a desperate clinger, JWOWW doesn't give a fuck and will bust your face in, Vinny's the Howie of the group, and Ronnie's a 'roid face." In essence, Pauly gets people. And maybe he's too dumb to really give a shit about the implications of all these fools' actions. That might have something to do with it.
up: Deena. Julissa asks how it was to be the new roommate. Deena admits it was hard at first and that she's still getting used to some personalities, but insists it was her best summer ever. Then Julissa introduces a package in which Deena falls... a lot. She also backs it up ("Face down, ass up, that's how I like to have a good time!") and generally acts like a drunken mess. At one point, she threatens another club-goer: "I will pick your nose and make you eat it!" Julissa: "Have you no shame?" Deena: "Clearly no." Julissa asks Sammi why she and Deena clashed from minute one. Sammi doesn't answer the question, just says she grew to like Deena eventually. Deena says that there is some sensitivity behind her hot mess exterior. Julissa: "The hot mess has a heart." Now, before you get all warm and fuzzy over that thought, Deena scream outs, "I don't lick ass!" Everyone's all, "Whoa! Who asked?" Deena insists the barber shop people made up that rumor, then says, "Poop comes out of a butt!" Consider that semi-pleasant moment effectively dead.
Now it's Sammi's turn. Julissa asks if she trusted Ronnie going into the summer. Sammi reveals that she didn't, but that she stayed in the relationship because she thought her love for him would be enough. We're forced to endure a rehash package of the worst relationship in the world. Seriously, if Ike Turner were still alive, he'd be all, "Why are you still with that fool?" After the last bit, in which Ronnie is weeping like a baby, Julissa brings up Ronnie to share his side of the story. He comes back with a bang, saying it was a waste of tears in light of what he "found out" Sammi did to him with Arvin. (Point of note: That's still unsubstantiated.) Julissa asks if there's a double standard at work. Clearly not understanding the meaning of the question, Ronnie is all, "Yeah! Definitely!"
Julissa asks where they are right now. They say they decided that, despite their "love" for each other, they were best apart and decided to take a break from their toxic relationship. Sammi sheds a weak tear at this news. The roommates can't wait to agree with this decision, saying they lacked clear communication -- among other things like integrity, self-respect, and bottom-barrel intelligence. Julissa wonders if there might still be a future for these two. Sammi stays quiet. Ronnie says you never know what the future holds but thinks the strain between them now is too great. In support of this, he says, "Right now you could cut the fucking tension with a butter knife." Which, ugh, don't get me started. Nimrod can't even get his metaphors right.
Julissa asks Sammi how her time away from the shore was. Sammi says it was a peaceful time that allowed her to pick herself up a little. Julissa asks what Ronnie learned during their trial separation. As he is living in total oblivion, he says he learned that he has to accept some blame and that he can't always put his problems on someone else. That is, until he finds out that she texts another guy that she kissed once a couple years ago. Julissa introduces the package showing Sammi's return and ultimate text-related demise. It ends with Sammi asking, "So this is over?" All the guys admit they would have liked Sammi to have stayed away a little longer -- if not permanently. Sammi admits she was putting on a show of not caring for Ronnie when she came back, even though she still had hope he might have changed. In 36 hours?
Julissa asks if JWOWW was surprised when SamRo 2.0 got back together. JWOWW harkens back to Miami, saying the relationship was on an inevitable path to destruction because of what happened in Season Two. to the issue of Arvin. Sammi sticks to her story that Arvin was just a friend that she hooked up with nearly three years ago. She says she lied because she was scared that the truth would destroy everything good happening between her and Ronnie. (Which happened anyway.) Julissa asks Sitch for his input, and he simply says that he thinks guys and girls can't be friends. But that antiquated bullshit is no matter, because it all comes down to whether a one-time make out should be considered "hooking up." Sammi thinks it shouldn't. Ronnie thinks it should. Want to ask that double standard question again, Julissa?
Amazingly, she does, but in a much more easy-to-understand, in-your-face kind of way. She asks Ronnie why he feels entitled to being upset when Sammi was only texting a guy after he had hooked up with a bunch of girls in Miami. First he says he only hooked up with one girl, as if that makes it somehow okay, then he qualifies that he hooked up with two girls at the same time. Julissa also points out that Ronnie called his ex-girlfriend right in the middle of one of his many break-ups with Sammi in Miami. Sammi adds in that Ronnie was dancing -- and sometimes more -- with other girls, then returning to bed with her at the end of the night. Isn't it amazing that it's taken this long to get someone (anyone) to say the plain truth to Ronnie? They must have his 'roid cycles calendar and know it's an okay day to be aggressive. At any rate, don't get your panties moist yet, kids, because Ronnie's reply is as unsatisfying and blame-dodging as ever. He tells Sammi, "Then you should have left me." Sammi stupidly echoes his words back to her re: Arvin, and he's all, "I did leave you. That's why we're not together right now." Oh, Sammi! These two will never learn. She does conclude by swearing to him and everyone who can listen that she never cheated on him. He smugly replies, "Thank you." Ugh. Then Julissa awesomely adds, "And she didn't tear up your stuff." He shoots back that Sammi "put her hands on" him, and of course Sammi ends up apologizing while he continues to think he's blameless.
And because we have three more minutes to fill, we get a package about spray tanning. I'm not kidding. Highlights: You can't have sex post-spray tan, Deena looks like "a burnt meatball," and Snooki sits in the fridge because her ass is itching from the tanning bed. Julissa asks if the kids try to out-tan each other. Pauly and Snooki admit they have a little competition going on. Deena thinks she OD'd on tanning when she told the girl to make her as dark as Pauly. Julissa asks Snooki, who literally looks like an Oompa Loompa with all the color she's rocking, if it's an insult to be called an Oompa Loompa. Snooki rationalizes that orange = "not pale," so it's actually a compliment. Pauly admits he might just be tanorexic. Snooki says, "If I'm pale, I feel like shit, so I know how Vinny feels every day." And with that, it's the end of a season that made us all feel like shit. And one that featured no less than five episodes specifically about shit. So there's could be no more fitting end than that comment. Until Italy, my friends!
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