Previously: Deenamite came in with a bang. The Situation got stuck in the room with America's Worst Couple. Sammi carried on with her World Tour of Haggery. And the C-word was bandied about liberally. 'Cause we do it classy up in here.
We rejoin the fracas between Sammi and JWOWW in progress. Punches are thrown. Weaves are yanked from their tracks. Sums up JWOWW, "It's gonna be an interesting fuckin' summer." Snooki asks Ronnie why Sammi stays with him when he treats her like shit. Instead of recognizing what a legitimate, accurate question has just been posed, Sammi engages Snooki in a pissing contest over who's been a better friend. It's really a toss-up, if we're being honest, but for sheer hatred of Sammi, let's give it to Snickers. Sitch diffuses the madness even as Snooki tells Sammi she deserves better than Ronnie (she doesn't), that she's the biggest bitch she's ever met in her life (she is), and interviews that she's done with Sammi (hallelujah!).
SamRo 2.0 retreats to their corner, where he examines her battle wounds, while JWOWW joins Snooki and Deena on the roof deck to bitch about Sammi. Consensus: She's mean. Since Sammi doesn't have a girl to fight within arm's reach, she starts picking on Ronnie for who-knows-what reason. She smugly reminds us that it's her against the world -- a scenario that she envisioned and executed entirely by herself, mind you. I truly believe these girls would look past what a dumb hypocrite she is if she would simply stop acting like self-satisfied piss-ant for five friggin' seconds. SamRo 2.0 go to bed while Snooki & Co. make more drinks and wonder how they'll live with these jerk-offs for another day. I suspect this is how the rest of the summer will play out, with varying shades of black eyes incurred in between.
Cue "Snooki and Deena Drunk on the First Night" montage: Deena belches! Snooki curls up in a suitcase! The girls follow each other around in circles like little drunken ducks! Deena falls head-first out of a hammock!
The morning, Sitch wakes up the housemates and tries to convince SamRo 2.0 to act like human beings for a split-second. All he gets back is a shitty attitude from Ronnie, and he admits his attempt at diplomacy went over like a lead balloon. When all else fails... GTL! The guys (and Sammi) head to the gym while the ladies mock Sammi for being Ronnie's shadow as they head to the tanning salon.
That night, Vinnie takes an informal house poll about Deena's boobs. Pauly insists they're real because he touched them. JWOWW doesn't give a flip and (in my head) walks off singing, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenni from the doc." Deena walks in on the conversation and gamely plays along, explaining to the boys that boobs are made of fat and that they only fill up with milk when you're preggers. Somehow this distracts and/or confuses Vinny and Pauly enough that their game of toss ends with Vinny getting smacked in the face with a ball. Serves him right for not knowing a GD thing about breasts. What are they teaching the children of Staten Island, I ask you?! With that, Vinny spills his drink and exclaims, "Ohhhh, I got juice all over me!" Fires back Pauly, "That's what she said!" Ba dum bum.
And speaking of bums! Lest ye think the conversation about Deena's anatomy was over, the stream of thought wanders to the fact that the guys think Deena's ass is fake, too. On the upside, we get the first gratuitous shot of JWOWW's boulder cleavage for the season, so let's just call this potentially sexist and/or objectifying moment a win for now.
The night wears on, and it's 20 minutes until the cabs are set to arrive. Sammi suspects Ronnie, who's actively moping around, won't have enough time to get ready (making his primping rituals at least twice as long as mine). Snooki says it's no shock that SamRo 2.0 are segregating themselves from the group yet again. With that, Vinny busts out the premier "T-Shirt Time" rap, and they're off... ish. After Sitch checks himself out in the mirror for 10 minutes and Vinny mocks him for 30 seconds for good measure.
Karma! There is shaking, thrusting, groping, scoping, stalking... just like old times. Throw in some panty-less back walkovers, and I'm officially in Guido heaven. Meanwhile, over in Guido hell is Vinny, who is being tracked by the Jersey Shore equivalent of a bloodhound -- the fearsome grenade. After a few minutes of evasive maneuvers, he calls her out on her obsessive proximity. She insists she's not following him, so he walks away and asks Pauly to shield him. Not one minute later, Pauly tells Vinny to turn around, and the stalker is literally breathing down his neck.
He eventually escapes behind a Chinese folding screen, and the world rights itself once Sitch pulls up his shirt to reveal those award-winning abs -- and by "award-winning" I mean "kicked off Dancing with the Stars fourth" -- some girls offer to make out with each other, JWOWW smacks Snooki's grinding ass, and an unfortunate homely girl is caught on camera wearing an awful pink hair clip. The Jersey Shore takes all kinds, y'all. As such, Snooki randomly decides to hide in a bush. No explanation is offered. Like explaining the punch line to a joke, trying to verbalize the motivations behind Snooki's actions would just rob them of their magic.
The ladies head back home, where JWOWW has a frustrating conversation with her boyfriend Tommy. Amidst Snooki's pleading for her to get off the phone, she grows irritated that he's not sad enough that she lost a dinky gold bangle. The joke's on JWOWW when Tommy reminds her that today was their anniversary, then hangs up on her. She immediately recognizes what an a-hole she is before taking it out on the duck phone. And just like that, another hate crime against duck phones goes unpunished.
Back at da club, Deena assists their guys in seeking out the best DTF girls of the night. Somehow, the guys end up at home with only one girl to share between Sitch and Vinny. As Sitch readies himself for some threesome action, Vinny takes the opportunity to head into the smush room and lock the door. Ha! Short of making a sandwich and watching, Sitch does his very best to cock-block the Vinster, all to no avail. Deena and Snooki call him downstairs, where he gives them the lowdown. Assuming there's a grenade in the mix, they ask who he's stuck with. He tells them he's stuck with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. See! Always a sandwich! Deena chimes in, "Or me." Sitch laughs and coldly tells her, "I'm all right." I suspect that would hurt a lot more if she were less drunk. I mean, this man has low standards, so imagine if you didn't measure up to them after several vodka-Red Bulls. Like, wow. Forget Hamlet, that's some tragedy.
The morning, Sammi, Ronnie and her stank face go to church. Meanwhile, Deena pulls a pretty awesome fake-out by forcing Snooki to wake up by telling her it's 3 p.m., even though it's really noon. Snooki seriously considers heading back for her late afternoon beauty sleep but instead decides to share a ciggy with Sitchy up on the roof. Sitch is all fired up that SamRo 2.0 took one of the cars without checking whether the roommates needed it. He vows to reprimand them when they get home, and they all pile into the remaining car (a suburban, mind you) to head off to the gym and the tanning salon. As such, Snooki's plan to lay out and drink are thwarted. Hard times all around!
After a long, rainy afternoon, the GTL 6 arrive home and decide to stay in for a family meal. Deena offers her questionable cooking prowess as the guys watch and snicker. They wonder if they should set places for Sammi and Ronnie, who are elsewhere eating dinner. The fact that they've been gone all day without a word to the others causes no small amount of irritation, and the rift grows. MVPJDS sits down for the First Annual Cool Kids Dinner and speculate where Sammi and Ronnie might be. Unbeknownst to the crappy couple, the others make a decision that SamRo 2.0's decision not to show up to dinner means they're unwilling to resolve their differences with the roommates. It's arbitrary, yes, but not entirely off-base. While Sammi and Ronnie have yet another miserable, silent dinner, the rest of the housemates decide to have the most fun summer eva!
Sammi and Ronnie finally arrive home wordlessly and with a huge, stuffed banana, no less! Offers Pauly, "You can't walk in here with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches." Truer words... The misfits decide to head downstairs and get a cold reception from the roommates. Pauly ultimately calls them out for bailing on the first Sunday dinner, and Vinny interviews that Sammi is acting like a spoiled brat. For her part, Sammi maintains her stance of, "I don't give a fuuuuuck." Deena says Sammi might as well be furniture at this point, because she's boring and adds nothing to the house.
After dinner, the gang heads to the T-shirt shop to reacquaint themselves with Angelina-hater Danny and his many iron-ons. The stupid, immature conflict continues as the kids write down their work schedule, and Sammi insists on writing her own. In an interview, Snooki flips her hair and mocks Sammi for being prissy, which is a pretty strong indictment coming from Snooki.
Back at the house, SamRo 2.0 sequester themselves to their room (why again didn't they pick the twofer?) while the others head up to the roof to bitch about them. Though Snooki still has some hope for a friendship with Sammi and hopes for an apology, JWOWW admits she's given up on her entirely. Thus begins another sad, lonely night for Ronnie, who pines to have fun with his boys but is hamstrung by Sammi's inability to play well with others. He admits that he feels stuck under Sammi's thumb and held back by her misery. So the storm brews...
Another day breaks, bringing DMV (Deena, Mike and Vinny) to the T-shirt shop. Is it possible that this job is even more lame than the gelato shop? Short answer: Yes. The high point occurs when Sitch skips out on the job to get a bagel sandwich. Riveting stuff. Really.
The busy bees head home, where Snooki is randomly -- and of her own, screwball volition -- bouncing up and down on a couch as she smokes a cigarette. Deena suggests an impromptu game of roof kickball. They get in a solid 10 or 20 minutes before the ball inevitably flies over the railing and lands on a neighbor's roof. Instead of calling one of the guys to retrieve, they rig up a dwarf-dwarf-broom system that is doomed to fail from the moment it was conceived. Perhaps intuitively sensing that he can get a good view of Deena's booty-shorted ass, Vinny heads up and devises a MacGyver-esque contraption largely consisting of beer bongs tubes and succeeds in retrieving the ball. Miracles happen every day, folks.
That evening, Ronnie hatches an escape plan with Sitch, completely unaware that Sammi is sipping and snooping. She invites herself along, and Sitch's face falls. Because Sammi foiled Ronnie's plans for a guys' night out, the trip to the boardwalk becomes a household affair. Sammi, whose name should really be "Sour Grapes" instead of "Sweetheart," is dour as usual, snitting, "I don't want to be having fun with these people." Don't worry, honey, you've made that option all but impossible with your jacked-up attitude. As they head out of the house, Snooki pauses at a mirror, beholds herself in a glittery pink cowboy hat and mismatched pink and black polka dot socks, wondering aloud, "What the fuck am I wearing?" My thoughts exactly, Snickers.
And so the gang returns to the boardwalk, where the seeds of this moment's discontent were sowed less than two years ago. Sammi continues her campaign of misery by taking a pass on the rides and sneering at the guys and their horseplay. She shadows Ronnie desperately, denies his invitations to join group activities, then moans, "I feel so alone!" Ronnie eventually gets sick of her moping and tells her to "get the fuck over it already."
They head back home, where Sammi separates herself from everyone, worrying that she's in the same boat as she was in Miami. Ronnie tries to talk to her, but she gives him the silent treatment as she cries and thinks back on all the multifarious ways in which Ronnie has screwed her over in the past couple years. He insists he's in love with her, but she admits she doesn't trust him. She tells him to imagine himself in her place, saying she'd rather that he cut her off than cheat on her like he did. While he recognizes she has a valid point, he basically thinks it's tough titty and thinks she should get over it. He sees the conversation is not going his way and walks away. Sound familiar? She follows him inside where nothing is achieved other than a war zone-level of F-bombs and Sammi's continued degradation of self-esteem and realization that she has brought all this misery on herself.
week: Snooki suggests a threesome, which somehow lands Deena in bed with Sitch. Sammi finally apologizes to Snooki. And Snooki runs afoul of the law.
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