If you don't obsessively remember every last, fist-pumping, weave-pulling, Cheeto-colored, grenade-smashing detail of the two seasons, then you are in the wrong place, my friends. Get out now while you still have a shred of dignity. For everyone else, I'll spare you the MTV-furnished montage of our BGF (Best Guidos Foreva), because I know you watched the Jersey Shore: Original Recipe and Miami marathons all last weekend and all today in breathless anticipation. Without further ado, on to the shit show!
We open in Poughkeepsie, the town with an enduring legacy of freaks and malcontents, thanks to such residents as G. Gordon Liddy, The Velvet Underground's Sterling Morrison, Ed Wood, and now beloved TV personality and entrepreneur Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. The Guidette princess preens her pouf, sprays herself with balsamic vinaigrette, and (falls as she) straps on her self-admitted hooker heels -- all in service of making herself irresistible to all the Gorilla Juiceheads once she returns to the Jersey Shore. If that fails, she can always just get wasted and bang her roommates, except Pauly who seems to have some standards and Ronnie who's just a fucking disgusting half-wit who gives gorillas a bad name. (That last clause may have been a bit of editorializing on my part.) With that, she picks up her stuffed crocodile and her leopard-print and hits the road. Literally. I think she may have smashed her front bumper into the pavement on the way out of the house. But Snooki won't let anything keep her from free-flowing bottles and STDs, so she pauses only briefly before blazing off into the midday sun.
Snooki explains that she needed to fill a hole in the house since she "kicked Angelina's ass out" of Miami, so she has gone behind the roommates' backs and invited her best friend Deena, who has just the same joie de vivre as she does. Because, clearly, every house needs a Situation and two Snookis! Nothing's going to blow up in any faces this season, no sir. Snooki picks Deena up in New Egypt, New Jersey -- a convenient 29-mile drive from the Shore. Snooki 2.0 lives up to the hype of her maker, with a similarly gaudy style and a matching quasi-dwarf stature. She says when she and Snooki met, "It was like love at first sight." The girls start their drive to Seaside Heights, and Snooki gives Deena the lowdown on the housemates. She says she's certain she'll get along with JWOWW.
Apropos of that, we cut to JWOWW's house in as she finishes packing. The WOWW is happy to have a break from her long-term boyfriend Tommy, because they've been fighting recently. She gets in the car and says she's happy to be getting away from her "Long Island problems," by which she means Tommy. So we're off to another great start for JWOWW and the insinuation she's a cheater. Hopefully she gets some more face time with Pauly's Prince Albert this season. Or some ham and water. I'd take either, as long as Angelina is never heard from again.
Back in the other girls' car, Snooki tells Deena about the guys. She says that Pauly's adorable, and Deena will probably have sex with him. But it might be The Situation that Deena wants to smash with. After Snooki describes Sitch as sweet, Deena deems him sexy. Snooki tells Deena that Vinny is a sweetheart but resists the urge to say, "Back off, bitch." I guess she figures Deena knows better than to go after her sloppy seconds like Ol' Trash Bags Pivarnick.
Up north a bit, Pauly packs his Apocalypse-size stock of hair spray and hair gel as he bids farewell to Providence, Rhode Island. His mom awesomely tells him to be careful in the hot tub, but Pauly tells her they have rules, such as "Clean the hot tub" and "Don't go in the hot tub after The Situation bust a nut up in there." Pauly's mom, who looks like a skinny version of Janice from The Sopranos, wisely decides not to go there. Good thinking, Parvati Delvecchio!
Speak of the horny devil, we find Sitch down in Manalapan, New Jersey. He's excited to return to the OG family house. As is Vinny over in Staten Island, as he proudly displays the new shower caddy he bought so people wouldn't be all up in his toiletries and shit. At least he knows no one will leave a dirty maxi pad in there this year.
Back in the car, Snooki runs over who else will be at the house that she hasn't mentioned. She gets to SamRo 2.0 and gives a dismissive, "Oh... pffft." She interviews that she used to love Ronnie, but Sammi fucked everything up. Still, she'd take back the whole affair of the letter if she could.
Then we join Ronnie on his way from the Bronx to pick up Sammi in Hazlet, New Jersey. He says they're stronger than ever since Miami. She says they're taking things day by day and hopes that he'll never traumatize her again by cheating on her with lots of ugly bitches while she cries herself to sleep in a dirty bed. Sounds like a great midpoint for any relationship, right?
Somewhere near the Shore, Snooki and Deena devise their plan of attack: They'll set up camp at the usual spots like Karma, Bamboo, Headliners, etc. Deena says she can't wait to go "man shopping" and especially likes fauxhawks. Snooki mentions that Ronnie has one and laughs about the calamities that would ensue if Ronnie were stolen away from Sammi by the New Girl, especially since Ronnie working philosophy towards relationships is "Drunk = Single."
Elsewhere, Vinny, Pauly and SamRo 2.0 all express their bland excitement about going back to Guido Mecca. Sammi and Ronnie roll up to the house. Ronnie declares, "I can smell the fake tans and the hair gel already." Ahhhh, the smell of summer! They arrive first, happy to get first dibs on rooms, and greet their old friend the Duck Phone. Sammi and Ronnie pick the best room in the house, which is the three-bed room upstairs. Sammi assures us that it won't be awkward for whoever has the displeasure of being the third wheel in that room. Hopefully the inhabitant contracts a horribly contagious skin disease early in the show and gets to leave, but only if they also get a chance to pass it on to SamRo 2.0 first.
They wait for the person to arrive, and lo and behold, it's JWOWW. Like the poet she is, Sammi says, "I hope she shits herself when she sees me." As if it will be some sort of massive surprise. Or as if JWOWW even gives a flying flip about Sammi's lame, low self-esteemed comings and goings. JWOWW plods up the stairs, sees Sammi, gives a FML grunt, and walks back downstairs immediately. We see footage of the epic chick fight between the two of them, and JWOWW interviews that she has no intention of patching up her relationship with Tweedle Ditz and Tweedle Douche. As JWOWW walks back down muttering something about Sammi and Ronnie getting an incurable disease, Sammi blows a bitchy kiss at JWOWW's receding shadow, pleased as a punch in the face with herself for being such an insufferable hag. Remember how we used to feel sorry for her about how badly Ronnie treated her? Yeah, me neither.
Vinny arrives , and JWOWW updates him on Ronnie and Sammi's dick move. He begrudgingly settles for another room. into the house is Pauly, who also thinks Ronnie and Sammi pulled some bullshit by forcing some unlucky schmuck (The Situation, hopefully!) to stay in the room with them. Then they all make fun of Vinny's shower caddy for several minutes.
Before Deena and Snooki arrive to "gorilla juicehead Guido heaven," Deena shares that she took three shots before she left her house. Following in the footsteps of her master, grasshopper is sure to stir up a ruckus by night's end. They walk in as Snooki squeals, "Party's here! Times two!" Deena introduces herself to everyone and is variously describes as a gremlin (Ronnie) and a meatball (Sammi). Snooki notes Sammi's snotty attitude and goes downstairs to talk shit about her with JWOWW. Luckily, The WOWW scored the only remaining room with three beds, so all three girls can bunk together. All the better for Deena to ride Snooki doggy style over the coming weeks! Snooki says she would probably kill herself if she had to stay with Sammi and Ronnie, then agrees with the rest of the family that the unhappy couple are a bunch of pricks for so obviously dicking with the social dynamics of the house based on their bedroom selection. On the upside, my dreams have come true, and Sitch will be forced to room with them (unless he raises a stink, which I suspect he will). But, given his asshat behavior at the end of last season, all three of them deserve each other.
While Snooki and Deena shout out their presence from the rooftop, Sammi and Ronnie announce their disappointment with the roommate. While Ronnie wishes he had another bangable chick at hand, Sammi realizes that she's stuck alone on A-hole island now that Angelina's flown the coop. Not so brave to get into a fight with JWOWW now, huh? Which, I can't blame her. Having Deena and Snooki sicked on you would be like being yapped and nipped at to death by drunken Pomeranians. An inglorious way to go, for sure.
As everyone unpacks, Deena -- who's in the midst of a two-month dry spell -- offers up her vibrator for communal use. Snooki jumps at the chance to show off her vibe, a tiny lime green wand nicknamed Tickle Me Elmo. She thinks Vinny will do in a pinch, though.
The Situation finally arrives, hugs everyone hello, and learns of his dreadful fate in SamRo 2.0's room. He grouses and moans as he carries his stuff upstairs, but to no avail.
The guys start grilling up some carcass, and Deena tries to get to know the roomies. She's met with cold disdain from Sammi, who won't even tell the fellow Jersey girl what part of the state she lives in. And so the self-fulfilling prophecy goes. Because of Sammi's stank behavior, Deena says that she's ready and willing to gang up on Sammi with the other girls. Everyone else is much warmer to Deena, doing the civilized, not-five-years-old thing by asking her questions about herself. She mentions that she's a dental assistant, and Sitch recalls that Angelina was also a dental assistant (when she wasn't doing important things like bartending). Pauly decrees that this is the last time they will ever refer to the Staten Island Dump this summer. Deena calls herself "a walking holiday." As per her personal character, Sammi wastes no time in shitting on the metaphor. As per his, Sitch wastes no time in concocting a lascivious simile that Deena the walking holiday is Thanksgiving "because she has a lot to give, and she's down for a lot of stuffing."
Deena proposes a toast to a fun summer, which Sammi refuses to join in. Deena thanks the gang for being welcoming to her. Vinny notes pointedly that if you give respect in the house, you'll get it back. Deena forebodingly says she has no problem responding in turn if someone treats her shabbily, saying, "It's like, if you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen." And that'd be Sammi's cue to literally walk out of the kitchen. Sometimes they're so stupid, they're brilliant, these ones. The girls have a silent snicker at what a jackwad Sammi is, and Snooki says nonchalantly, "Well all right..."
Soon enough, it's pre-game time. Everyone -- except SamRo 2.0 -- heads upstairs for a game of flip cup. JWOWW says it's typical and proclaims those two dead to her. Downstairs, Ronnie and Sammi are having a riveting time lying around like lumps on logs and hating everyone else. Yeah, totally not as exciting as the screaming, cheering game going on upstairs. Sammi tries to create her own party -- a pity party, by telling Ronnie all "woe is me" that he doesn't know what she's going through. He rightly tells her that's bullshit, considering he's not hanging out with his friends in order to mope around with her. She continues sighing and feeling like her life is cursed. She actually gets paid to do this, y'all. That ain't right.
Back on the roof, Snooki is irritated with Vinny because she worries he wants to get with Deena instead of her. In an interview, she vows to cut all ties with Vinny if he hooks up with Deena. Back in the hot tub, Vinny notices her sour mug and asks what's wrong. She slurs that he wants Deena's vagina, and he sinks into the water with a mischievous look on his face. It seems there's more than drunken paranoia behind this accusation when Snooki explains that there's more to the story because a couple of weeks before filming, she walked in on Vinny having sex with her friend Ryder. Not a violation of bro code, but definitely a violation of girl code. Boo, Ryder! Boo, Vinny! Vinny claims he didn't think anything was wrong with it, but Snooki can't hold back her anger. Deena tries to make a swift exit even as Vinny awkwardly asks her, "So what's it like being a dental assistant?"
Deena departs, and Snooki tells Vinny he doesn't realize how much she cares for him, and he issues a half-hearted apology. She makes a move toward him, hoping to seal his apology with a kiss, but he shuts her down. Basically, he's afraid that hooking up with her won't be hooking up anymore, it'll be a relationship, and he'll be accountable to her and her feelings. God forbid! Then again, with Ronnie and Sammi as the template, I'd be gun-shy, too. He tries to hug her, but Snooki is pissed that Vinny will hook up with grenades and not her. She tells him never to look at her or make a move on her ever again. She waddles off, and JWOWW angrily tells Vinny to "stick it in one of the jet holes and go to bed."
Later, Deena, The Situation, and Pauly are ready to go out while the others get cleaned up. Deena realizes she's missing her "Blast in a Glass" hat, so Sitch offers to "help her find it." Pauly thinks the "cowboy hat" is shorthand for "Deena's cuca." She takes him into her room, where she shows him an array of goofy straw hats. Sitch admits that Deena is awkwardly cute and thinks there might be a situation going on between them. She slurs that she looks better in the hat with only her bikini on, so she shimmies out of her cover-up, completely oblivious to the fact that she's also shimmying out of her bikini bottoms. Sitch watches with his jaw on the floor as she twirls around pantsless in front of him. As he ponders whether he should hook up with a roommate on the first night and risk monogamy, she finally realizes she's rockin' out with her cuca out. She puts her clothes back on, and Sitch promises her that it's just between the two of them.
So his move, naturally, is to go tell everyone in the GD house what just happened, with a physical re-enactment. As always, classy. Despite her embarrassment, Deena still sits down on the couch and lays her legs across Sitch's lap. JWOWW sarcastically warns him that she will go to bed if she gets a first-person view of any boner action. A fair warning, considering filming a workout video is all it takes to give Ol' Sitchy wood.
Sitch heads up to his room to relay the story to SamRo 2.0, saying he doesn't even know if Deena is actually drunk. Ronnie says she's probably just stupid, which gets a cackle out of Sammi. Deena barges in and tries to cuddle with Sitch. He calls her annoying, eliciting more cackles from Sammi. Deena gets offended at Sammi's continued hostility. She tells her that she's joining everyone else in the house in having problems with Sammi, then marches out of the room and spits curses all the way down the stairs and into the kitchen. As she carries on her tirade, the others marvel that Deena brought out the C-word on the first night. The Situation nominates her for the Rookie of the Year award.
Sammi and Ronnie laugh it off, since Deena hasn't bothered to say any of it to their faces. But when Deena shit-talks Ronnie, things get real. He gorilla-stomps down the stairs and gives her the territorial "You're in my house" speech. He 'roid rages out on her for a while, and she gives as good as she gets. All the while, The Situation is freaking pissing his pants with glee as he gets to imitate Deena bitch-finger waving around the kitchen and her mutual declarations of hatred with Sammi and Ronnie. Sammi interviews that Deena's like a dirty Chihuahua that you want to set aside. Pauly joins in as the girls air their dumbass grievances with each other and bandy about the C-word some more for good measure.
Snooki finally gets fed up. She says Sammi has made a major mistake in messing with Deena because "even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a shit, I will attack you like a fucking squirrel monkey!" She steps in and calls Sammi the biggest bitch she's ever met in her life and asks how she has friends. Around the fifth time she attacks Sammi for being a bitch, she adds in "slutty," which gets me to wondering when the term "slut" became an insult catch-all? Point of fact, Sammi is probably the least slutty girl in the house. Though getting persnickety with terminology on this show is as frustrating as herding cats, so why bother?
Sammi dredges up the past, calling Snooki a fake, backstabbing bitch. Pauly says he knew the drama between Sammi and the girls would come out eventually, but he didn't think things would come to a head on the first night. Sammi asks Ronnie to confirm that Snooki's fake, and he does dutifully. Snooki comes back that Ronnie's mom calls her every week to ask why Ronnie is with Sammi. Cut immediately to an interview where Snooki's all, "I may have made up a teeny-tiny fib..." Ha! She does note, though, that Ronnie doesn't fight back on that claim, implying that it's not all fabrication. He does eventually tell Snooki to pipe down because she's "a fucking loser from Poughkeepsie." That brings JWOWW into the fracas, who I believe calls Ronnie a faggot. Oh, WOWW, did you have to go there? There are so many other things you could say about Ronnie that are actual insults.
Sammi tells JWOWW she'll pound her ass if she keeps talking that way, so JWOWW steps up to her to regain the cred she lost during their altercation last season. She goads Sammi to punch her. Sammi rears back and lunges at her. Though she doesn't actually punch JWOWW, it incites a rain of fist fall. To be continued...
This season: Antics! Snooki drinks and sits in a mini-fridge! Deena falls head-first out of a hammock! Pauly repurposes the vuvuzela as a grenade whistle! Ronnie gets an anal probe! Vinny zooms around on a mini-motorcycle! Snooki asks for directions to the beach... that she is practically walking on! Fights! Tommy breaks up with JWOWW! Ronnie tells Sammi he's done for the 78 millionth time! And is consoled by JWOWW! And gets a punch in the face for it! Sammi leaves the Shore?! And Snooki gets arrested!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read the rules of a summer share! And see what our vlogger thinks of the show, below!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!