This season: The Jersey Shore-ors headed down to Miami. And, oh yeah, The Situation hooked up with a tranny that time.
Julissa introduces the kids, and Sitch is predictably douchey, doing some ridiculous '90s Color Me Badd moves that might have actually served him well if he'd used them on Dancing with the Stars. Julissa reports that Angelina "chose" not to be on the reunion. Honestly, the fact that she even merited a mention after all of this season's fuckery was pretty impressive. How can you quit this shit twice? Twice!
Julissa asks which place has hotter women: Miami or the Shore? Pauly gives a diplomatic non-answer that the women of Miami are simply more exotic, but both places have hot girls. Debatable. Julissa flips the question, asking which city has more grenades. Sitch clarifies that grenades are equal opportunity offenders, and all 50 states have their fair share. He starts on some tangent about the "step-by-step process of diffusing a bomb," so Julissa asks him to spell it out. Pauly explains the "spin move," which is basically walking away but with an unnecessary (but Guido-tastic!) flourish of spinning out of there. These are the kind of people that would be a in a war zone and think that it was actually necessary to do leap-and-roll, thinking it would look cooler even though it's clearly more labor intensive and otherwise useless. What I'm saying is, these people feel that they're living in an action movie. Hence grenades. Bombastic much?
Julissa turns to the ladies, wondering which city had the "hotter juiceheads?" Snooki admits to the deficit of gorillas in Miami. JWOWW adds that Miami guys are more into the "lean surfer look." Julissa natters on in her typically over-pepped way. Why couldn't they get Kenny "Mr. Beautiful" from Real World/Road Rules Challenge to host this? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he would have been awful, but it couldn't have been worse than Julissa. And at least there would be the possibility of him and Sitch having an ab-off.
Julissa introduces a video package in which the girls are "introduced to a new element." What element would that be? A dick, apparently. Vinny brings the word "trenade" (= tranny grenade) into the lexicon, and several people explain their adage that "If you have to think about it..." don't do it. Which I think is pretty much how they approach life in general. Thinking + trannies = Guido nightmare. The package (no pun intended) ends with a clip of Ronnie dancing around in a yellow dress. I fear this image will never be far from the deepest, darkest recesses of my psyche. Julissa basically asks, "What in the tranny Hell was that?" Everyone laughs it off, so they move on to Sitch, who blames his run-in with the shemale on the al-al-al-al-alcohol.
up, Julissa asks Pauly to explain his practice of wandering around the house having random, repetitive, some-might-say-Tourette's-like outbursts. In particular, he started the "CAB'S HE-AH!" tradition because getting ready in a synchronized and timely fashion is obviously way too complex for this crew, so the only way he could ensure they'd all make it to the club was by embracing the most obnoxious, attention-getting method possible. Again, I suspect this tactic carries over into all their lives in one way or another. Hence this show. Cue the montage, including such hits as "OH YEAH! WAKE UP YEAH!" and "T-SHIRT TIIIIIIIIIIIME!" the aforementioned cab call-out and the added bonus of "BURGERS FOR THE BOYS!" Pauly interviews that he enjoys being loud, then we get a rapid fire of more verbal ejaculations, a random confessional with him in full shaving cream face and lots of general jumping around and intense stares. Just in case we didn't hear it the first hundred times, Julissa has Pauly say "CABS ARE HE-AH!" once more for good measure. I think my lady boner just crawled into the woods and died.
Now Julissa really probes deep into things, asking MVP about how their impenetrable double standard could contribute to the malformation of young girls' minds and the breakdown of society in general. No she doesn't! She asks about the importance of T-shirt time. Pauly explains that you can't be fresh with a soiled shirt on. Sitch adds that a wrinkled T-shirt means you can't be FTD, which apparently means "Fresh to Death," and I feel really old because I can barely keep up with these damn acronyms. Also, Vinny on occasion had near suicidal jags when Pauly would have T-shirt time without him. There was crying, dry heaving, existential questioning, the works. Such is the power of T-shirt time! Julissa has MVP sing the T-shirt time theme, and I suddenly realize we're not even eight minutes into the reunion. I might have to institute a new tradition: Neck noose time.
Julissa calls SamRo2.0 to the hot (love) seat because these two "made life in the house a little more interesting." And by "more interesting," I'm assuming she means mind-numbingly boring and irritating as all Hell. The two of them make their death march to the couch, and I do believe Sammi is one of the last famous(ish) people to don the bandage dress. Even Brooke Burke has stopped beating that dead horse. Julissa asks for a status update on SamRo2.0 Ronnie says they're together, and the camera cuts to the sour mugs on Snooki and JWOWW. Julissa introduces their package by making what is perhaps the most euphemistic statement I've ever heard: "Well, Ronnie, you certainly redefined what it means to be single and in a relationship." We get all the highs and lows (mainly lows) of the fact that these two immature nimrods basically hate each other but aren't smart enough or endowed with enough self-esteem to realize they should aim a little higher, mate-wise. Like the gentleman he is, Ronnie interviews that he won't disrespect Sammi to her face, but what goes on when she's at home crying herself to sleep, well that's fair game. He's in Miami, bitch!
More clips show JWOWW rolling her eyes and both Sitch and Angelina judging the shit out of these assholes. When Angelina and The Situation are in a rightful place of judgment, then SamRo2.0, you in danger, y'all. They finish the clip. Sammi appears to wipe a tear away from her eye. Really now? Snooki continues to roll her eyes at this farce as Ronnie admits that he did "a lot of messed up things" in Miami. Sammi trites, "No relationship is perfect, and ours definitely isn't!" It's such a charade because, this time last year, he dropped her ass like a hot potato for just having a conversation with Sitch when they weren't even together. But if he's hooking up with six girls at a time and then crawling into bed with her the morning, that's aces! Ugh. Sammi, get some self worth, honey!
Julissa asks the housemates if they think SamRo2.0 fight more than most couples. Sitch happily jumps in, saying they do and that they pulled their roommates into the drama much of the time. An argument kicks up between Ronnie and him. It goes on for a little while with essentially no point, and ultimately they're both right and they're both wrong. Sure, Sitch and Co. didn't need to revel in the drama as much as they did, but Sammi and Ronnie weren't exactly keeping their shenanigans to themselves. This is the stuff of junior high -- but with coke and 'roids and cigarettes and sexual promiscuity. Well, I guess they probably have that in junior high these days, too. Those darn kids!
Julissa asks, "How much more of this love can you take?" Snooki blurts out, "I'm fuckin' done with it! I'm over it! Done." JWOWW says she said her piece through the (anonymous) letter. Vinny takes the only position of sanity and common sense, telling the couple that if they actually love each other, maybe they should start acting, oh, I don't know, loving toward one another. Sammi looks particularly shamed by the dressing down, though it might also be defensive and/or indignant. It's times like these when I think maybe she's taking it all in, maybe the wheels in her head are turning. Then I remember that exceptionally stupid people can't register emotional nuance very well. It's a toss-up, really.
Now on to the subject of the letter. Julissa introduces the rehash package as such: "If you ever feel the need to tell your friend that her boyfriend is motorboating the cocktail waitress..." Classic. You remember the highlights -- Sammi begging for clues that Ronnie was fucking her over, the girls digging up dirty from Angelina, the internet cafe typing, the denials, the weave-pulling, the dissolution of friendships, etc. Snooki is reclined on the couch, having clearly dissociated herself from this assbaggery. Julissa calls JWOWW to the couch for further discussion. JWOWW explains that they wrote the letter because they felt it was "girl code" -- and because Sammi was asking them to tell her. Why is it that, even now, the fact that Sammi requested the information does not nullify their entire bust-up?
Sammi takes issue with the fact that JWOWW and Snooki didn't deliver the bad news to her face. JWOWW introduces a long-forgotten layer to the drama -- Ronnie claims he and JWOWW conspired to hook up for about 15 seconds when they thought Sammi might hook up with The Situation. This plan seems to have formed between the first and second seasons, but it may have even happened before that. Either way, it was the first fracture in the girls' friendship. Back to the present, JWOWW can't believe what she's hearing. She says Ronnie has made up this supposed conversation, reminds everyone that she's in a committed relationship, and says she'd hook up with Pauly over Ronnie anyway.
Eventually Sitch steps in as the voice of reason (a precarious post for him indeed) and tells Sammi that the only person she could ever reasonably be mad at is Ronnie, the one who treated her like shit, used her, and laughed about it. Which is such a smart, basic thing to say, save for the fact that it demands a modicum of reason, intelligence, and self-awareness on Sammi's part. And that's without going into the factor of whether Ronnie would ever fully accept any culpability for his actions. That's a whole 'nother barrel of juiceheads. Sammi insists she was furious with Ronnie, but even Julissa calls bullshit on that statement. Sammi vagues that it was her own choices and decisions that have led her to this point right now. And what point would that be? The exact same place? Still with Ronnie? Still hating yourself? Still looking like a fool on national television? In a two-seasons-old bandage dress? Oh, okay, that point. Just so we're clear.
Julissa asks about Sitch's ultimate decision to passive-aggressively nark on Ronnie. Ronnie dismissively mocks that Sitch was "following girl code." He mainly takes issue with the fact that Sitch claimed to have his back, then finked on him. Hos before bros, as it were. It's Directed at just about anyone else, I could see Ronnie's logic. But we're talking about The Situation here. He's a two-faced punk who's always out for himself, and that's without his complicated history of rejection re: SamRo2.0. Ronnie takes another misogynistic dig, saying Sitch "was acting like what [he] chase[s]: a pussy." Sitch laughs it off, insisting that Ronnie should actually thank him for looking out for the girl that Ronnie supposedly loves when no one else, including Ronnie himself, would look out for her. Sitch speaks for all of us when he says Sammi and Ronnie are better off apart, and he was trying to do right by both of them.
For real, though, these people could argue around the same five facts for the million years, but it all comes down to the fact that Sammi demanded information -- and would have kept demanding it until they delivered it -- even though she never truly wanted to hear it. It's the classic "Do these jeans make me look fat?" conundrum. Anyone who would have confirmed Ronnie's dalliances would have faced a shit storm from both her and Ronnie regardless. Because they're too stupid, petty, and cowardly to sort out their problems amongst themselves. It's much easier to deflect your relationship issues onto a third party if you drag someone else in. And that's how I spent the last 14 weeks of my life!
Julissa finally turns the topic from showmance to bromance, bringing Vinny and Pauly down to the couch. We see the boys find their
Great White Buffalos, including when Vinny got stood up and the open-ended question of whether Vinny and Pauly decided to "wife up" after all. Both guys admit that dating -- as opposed to the usual smash-and-run -- was a foreign process to them. As foreign as a Romanian and a Cuban, as it were. Julissa asks for the update. Despite Ramona visiting Staten Island and meeting Vinny's mom, both boys have lost contact with their ladies. But who needs ladies when you have your bros? Cue a montage of Vinny and Pauly's blossoming friendship, including slow motion beach scenes and porn-music-accented clips of sunscreen application and neck shaving. Everyone laughs and claps while the guys hug it out, then immediately devolved to "No homo!" They make sure to remind us that their primary bonding experience was dogging chicks, pawning off the grooming circle to, "We're Italian! Italian guys are close like that." Mmmmhmmmmm., Julissa rounds out MVP by bring out "the missing link" The Situation. A video package of their little boys club shows the guys ditching Angelina on their MVP night out and the unfortunate incident with the non-edible chicken cutlet. Julissa asks about the MVP(R) hierarchy, which Sitch claims is a movable target. Then they give a play-by-play of the hijinks that time they invited two sets of grenades to the house at the same time. They show the audience their pre-club ritual of each putting in a hand, football huddle-style, then shouting each their own initial: "M! V! P! Smash squad!" It's a particularly cringe-worthy "Dance, monkey, dance!" moment in a show chock full of them. Even Julissa can't resist snarking, "Three brains, it took to come up with that." Back off, JHOWW, you're on my turf now.
Julissa moves on, asking the guys how they know a girl is DTF, though she starts saying "Down..." and has to self-censor, probably just mercifully giving the bleep machine operators a break. Pauly says he has an ingrained DTF meter, grossly adding that he "can smell it." Vinny clarifies that certain perfumes imply DTF. I'm guessing anything from Britney Spears' collection and this. They do admit that, in a last-ditch scenario, they'll just ask a girl if she's DTF. (Or try to bully her into being DTF, if you believe Annabelle DeSisto.) Vinny clarifies that if you're afraid of the outcome of the DTF Q&A, it probably won't be A-OK, much like with trannies as I'm sure Sitch can attest.
The MVP inquisition continues as Julissa introduces a video package showing how The Situation often hurt his boys' game rather than helped it, including but not limited to Ms. DeSisto, the expulsion of the Canadian blondies, and the attempted robbery of Ramona. In short, Sitch is a greedy bitch and a sore loser. Sitch claims he never cock blocked Pauly, but Snooki insists he spoiled Pauly's game on at least two occasions. Pauly admits that The Situation's "crazy aggressive style" can go either way and that he's not the best wing man. Sitch acknowledges as much. Ronnie calls out Sitch for being shady with Ramona. Vinny says he heard that Sitch had pulled similar antics with many girls but says he's not sour about it. MVP 4eva!
The boys head up to the group couch, and Snooki takes her place on the love seat. She admits she still has a crush on Vinny, then Julissa introduces a package of Snooki and Vinny's drunken hook-ups. Sample pick-up line: "Come on, I'm comfortable. I'm all cotton." Vinny characterizes Snooki as genuine and "DTS -- Down To Snuggle." Snooki, in turn, talks up Vinny's downstairs endowments. Julissa asks Vinny to explain the attraction. He says, in essence, they were in the same place, at the same time, and "it just happens." He's sure they'll probably hook up more but knows they're both in a playing-the-field stage of life. He blushes a little when Julissa asks if he gets jealous. Snooki interjects that she views Vinny as a brother figure, and everyone cops to the inherent weirdness of that analogy.
And now comes the Angelina segment. Everybody groan with me! Lowlights: teasing watch man Jose, hooking up with Dennis, horrifying beach guy Mike, smushing with Vinny (who coined the nickname "The Staten Island Dump"), smacking Pauly and Sitch, taking part in that damn note, lying about that damn note, and wrapping it all up in an earring-removing, rolling-on-the-floor fight with Snooki. Ronnie enumerates roommate-by-roommate all the ways that Angelina crossed her roommate, then everyone has a good, double standard-fueled laugh about how Angelina may have been a cheap tramp but didn't put out when Jose got her a Fossil watch. Damn her for not being an a low-budget prostitute!
Julissa asks if Snooki looked at Vinny differently after he hooked up with Angelina. She says she did, and that it made her feel stupid. Vinny incoherently tries to explain why he smashed Angelina, making it sound like there was an element of revenge since she'd acted like such a bitch to him just hours before. He claims he had to jump on a grenade to expose her hypocrisy. "That was a landmine," chimes in Sitch. Snooki questions Vinny's decision making process but says she's over it. I'm sure her thought process went something like this: "Waaaaaah! How long has it been? Surely all the Angelina cooties have passed on by now. Party's here!"
And now for the final retrospective: We see again as JWOWW destroys Sammi's "favorite" white shorts. Then a bonus of JWOWW with camel toe, which prompts Vinny to mock her both in a dead-on voice impression and by stuffing two pillows between his legs. , a montage of all the roommates getting ready in front of the one mirror in the house, which naturally has a camera on the other side. Ah, the thrills of Snooki constructing her pouf, JWOWW crane lifting her rock tits, Sammi making disparaging comments about her body, everyone checking out his/her ass about a million times, and Sitch spying on Angelina's "cuca" at every chance -- nearly as much as he checks out himself! But what would a montage be without a grand finale? And this one features people popping zits and JWOWW farting. Afterward, Sammi admits that -- contrary to popular assumptions about motorcycle-proof haired Pauly and/or The Situation -- she was the roommate who spent the most time in front of the mirror because she's got a touch of the OCD when it comes to straightening her hair. Julissa compliments her on her lack of flyaways, then teases the third season before bringing the show to an abrupt end. So mind-numbing, yet so poorly paced! Why has no one given these people a Peabody yet?! And, with that, I bid you all farewell for this season. See you all in January, bitches!
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