Previously: Twelve weeks of dreck, and The Situation being a serious jackhole as the cherry on top.
It's morning (by which I mean probably about 3PM) in Miami, and the gang finally decides to go somewhere other than da club. They drive to the Everglades to see the crocodiles (or as Snooki calls them "croca-dillies"). Quoth Pauly, "Oh yeah! Everglades yeah!" He jokes that if he used the giant fan on the air boat to do his hair, maybe it would only take him ten minutes. They head out on the water. A croc approaches the boat, and they all start screaming like maniacs. It starts to gnaw at the boat, then quickly decides this is a "Bitch, please" scenario. On two grounds: 1) These people are too fucking annoying to eat and 2) Have you seen how much hair gel Pauly D is working with? That business would take weeks to digest -- and probably give him the croc runs. Yet still I have to wonder why couldn't they have done this when Angelina was around? That whole used tampon fracas would have take on an entirely different dimension!
The tour wraps up, and the boys prove themselves to be as useless as we've always known when they are assailed by bugs that The Situation deems to be "about the size of Snooki." Ronnie jumps around like a ninny and Pauly inexplicably pulls out his karate chop hands. Because bugs respond to "Wax on, wax off"? Sitch advises everyone to get a move on because they are truly like fish out of water. They head to a restaurant in town that serves all sorts of Everglades delicacies, including frogs legs that have been battered and fried like nobody's business. The look on Ronnie's face at the sight of "gator tail fries" is pretty priceless. Who knew the creator of Ron Ron Juice could experience disdain? Certainly not this recapper. Pauly and the rest of the gang are likewise disgusted, but Sitch thinks it's pretty good. What was that you were saying about low standards? The trip reaches its denouement when Sitch lies in wait outside the bathroom door with a fried frog leg, waiting for JWOWW to emerge. She does, she shrieks, end of story.
Then the gang packs back into the cars, popping in their Blow Pops like they've just been to a rave. Perhaps they just licked the frogs legs instead of chewed them? According to Wikipedia, this means of getting high is "not biologically practical," which I think is also the description of this show. Also on the way home, Sitch begs Ronnie to pull over so he can hop out and throw up. Personally, I suspect he just caught a glimpse of himself in the rear view mirror.
Once home, Pauly and Vinny both call their ladies to set up dates for their last day in Miami. Half an hour after Vinny's reservation has passed, Ramona calls to tell him that she's "almost ready." Eventually she makes it, and he can't believe that he's actually courting a girl instead of popping bottles and banging girls. They have dinner and contemplate a long-distance relationship, sharing a chaste kiss before ending their night separately. Meanwhile, Pauly walks with his lady Rocio to dinner -- holding hands no less. He actually thinks this one might be girlfriend material, so they share a longer, but equally chaste, kiss on the street before parting ways. Don't hate the player, hate the tame.
Elsewhere, Sammi and Ronnie share their own last night dinner. They banter back and forth with their usual weird, self-conscious (at least on Sammi's part) bullshit. She basically tells him that if he's going to be her boyfriend, they need to be attached at the hip at all times. Way to give it the hard sell, you walking cliché. He compares her to Mr. Hyde and tells her she's acting immature. They leave in strained silence. Back at the house, everyone's ready to go out and waiting for SamRo 2.0 to return. When they arrive, they sit outside and prolong their huff out on the patio. Vinny suggests Snooki tell them everyone's ready, and she gives him a perfect, wordless, horrified shake of the head, like, "Don't drag me into that mess." Finally Vinny breaks up the cold war.
They head over to the appropriately named b.e.d. with dreams of getting it in dancing in their heads. While the guys get their creep on, Sammi and Ronnie resolve their ridiculous non-fight. Snooki hits up the stripper pole, Pauly D finds a chick to mack on, and Vinny finds two girls whose combined ratio of ugliness to sluttiness makes up one semi-attractive girl. Vinny decides that he doesn't want to step out on Ramona. Or as Vinny eloquently put it, "when you have a good girl out there... say no to hos." Sound advice. So Sitch sweeps in before you can say "Chlamydia" and takes those tricks to the bathroom for some down and dirty. It only took three minutes for the switch to happen. Classy gals.
The day, JWOWW sets about cleaning the refrigerator and finds a Tupperware container full of what could five-week-old manicotti and meatballs, or could also be mummified vomit. I guess we'll never know! Honestly, though, what's more amazing is that she's actually cleaning. It's kind of a refreshing change of pace compared to last season's Real World crew, who were tossing mattresses off of balconies and running around doing everything short of saying, "Let's burn this mother down!" It takes a lot to make the Jersey Shore kids look responsible, is what I'm saying. As expected, she's a little bitter about getting the shit end of the stick and having to clean up her roommates' decaying food. She reasons that she's not fucking them, therefore she shouldn't have to clean up after them. A good rule of thumb, I'd say.
That night, through some sort of masochistic suicide pact, the roommates nominate Snooki to cook dinner. She chooses that Old World Italian classic, tacos. While she prepares the meal, Sitch heads out toward the hot tub and stirs up trouble by being openly hostile with Ronnie for what seems like no reason. Sammi carries that energy right back into the kitchen and decides to "help" Snooki cook by being a raging hag as she smashes up pounds and pounds of ground meat. Snooki and JWOWW take their frustrations outside, recognizing that Sammi is such a wench because she has no friends.
Eventually, the dinner that will do them all in gets made. Pauly marvels at the reality of this great experiment that brought them all together. Sitch says he wants to give all the roommates "trophies," which is code for being a passive-aggressive prick. Lots of awkward glares and silence as he asks the roommates to nominate the person they think did the least in the house. To her credit, Sammi basically tells him to come out with it and say her name. He admits she's in the running, then tries to make light of his failed attempt at sarcasm by telling everyone to chill out. Ronnie's the only one to break up the tension by saying he can't look in Sitch's direction because Vinny's tan is blinding him. With that unnecessarily tense final supper behind them, everyone clears up, parts ways, and agrees that Sitch is an asshat.
Before da club, Snooki and JWOWW take a shot to bridge them from the dinner of nightmares to the night... well, probably also of nightmares. The gang convenes in the common room (not to be confused with the Communal Smush Room, though equally as dirty) to appraise their experience in Miami. Vinny suggests they put a bunch of superlatives in a bowl ("Most Likely to Succeed," for example). Pauly asks how to spell "likely." Oh dear... They determine that Snooki is the life of the party. Pauly, who nominates himself, is most likely to get skin cancer, edging out the competition because he has a home tanning bed. When the designation "Most Likely to Be a Follower" comes up, Sitch pipes up to nominate Vinny, basically implying that Vinny weaseled his way into his friendship with Pauly. Ronnie laughs that Sitch just made an ass of himself by admitting that he was robbed of his best friend. Plus "MP" and "PM" just don't have the same multifaceted ring as MVP, now do they? Vinny calls out Sitch for being a cock, and it devolves into a petty argument over whether spray tanning has a rightful place in GTL. These are the big issues, people.
JWOWW awesomely interrupts by telling Sitch, "You know who's the fakest one in the house, right?" She means him -- because he sucks in more ways than can be laid out here and because she doesn't think Vinny deserves to be ragged on -- but it's telling that Sammi shifts a little in her seat. JWOWW walks outside for a smoke and leaves her comment to hang in the air. Sitch wonders who has been talking smack about him, confessionalizing how typical it is for someone to come clean on the last day given the Survivor--like dynamics of this household. Of course, in his island universe, he thinks he's the head of the tribe. He rants on and on, asking who was talking about him and trying to get everyone to turn against JWOWW. Snooki finally asks him to change the subject. She confessionalizes that he's not as good a friend of her as he thinks he is, and she has no qualms about reporting every bit of trash he's talking about JWOWW right back to her. And all of this random conflict is all well and good, but where is it coming from? Why have we been watching a dozen episodes of SamRo 2.0's nonflicts and Angelina's feeble attempts at strategery when there was supposedly tension a-brewing between the A-players all along? Reach!
A bit later, Snooki takes JWOWW outside and plants the seed in her head that everyone else agreed with Sitch that she (JWOWW) is the fakest in the house. Which, not exactly how it went down... Not speaking up and agreeing are two different things. But then again this is a world in which a girl can have literal cantaloupes shoved into her chest cavity and be offended by the notion that she's "fake." Context, is what I'm saying. Naturally, the two of them try to quell their frustrations by pouring a stiff drink. Always a great idea!
JWOWW decides to confront the issue in the most ass-backward by asking The Situation -- who, other than JWOWW herself, began this whole strain of conversation -- whether Pauly considers her fake. He's as useless as ever, and JWOWW's anger grows. Sitch immediately reports this to Pauly, who becomes immediately irate for an equally invalid reason as she is. They drunkenly yell at each other from opposite sides of the hot tub. Suddenly this ridiculous contrivance of an argument becomes about breaking up lifelong friendships (based on TV shows that have only been around for a year and change), and Pauly is screaming like a maniac. There is some hulk going on beneath that motorcycle-proof hair, y'all. Eventually it comes out that Snooki is worthless as a reporters and a gossipmonger and that Pauly does not take the besmirching of his reputation lightly. Then everything is right with the world. And yet still so wrong.
Snooki thinks everybody hates her, and we've kind of come full circle considering how epically dismal her entrance to the house in Jersey turned out to be. "Party's here!" Those words have never been so ominous. Snooki packs up her stuff and screams at JWOWW for making her look like the house pariah. Vinny tries to come in to clear things up, but it only makes things worse. Snooki dresses down JWOWW while everyone listens in the common room and wonders where the Hell this conflict came from in the first place. The consensus quickly forms that it all came from JWOWW. Snooki waddles out onto the patio to mope. JWOWW joins the others in the common room and snarks what a great last night it's turning out to be.
Sitch heads outside to assure Snooki that no one's mad at her and that they've all forgotten the fight already. He literally throws her over his shoulder and brings her back inside. They have a family caucus and agree that there are no issues between them. Until the Ron Ron Juice comes out, at least. Alas, no luck! With that, they all go to bed. Vinny adorably hooks on top of Snooki in her bed and mocks her drunken pleas for him to "cuddle with meeeee! Cuddle!"
The morning, Sitch cooks a hearty egg breakfast with bacon, toast, salsicc', and radioactive champagne (at least that's what it sounded like from the explosive cork pop). The gang reminisces over their road trips down to Miami and says they have no regrets -- not even that stacked of unused grenade numbers being shoveled into the garbage can.
SamRo 2.0 are the first to go. Sweet relief! Note is made that Sammi didn't bother saying goodbye to JWOWW, who takes comfort in the fact that Ronnie can do much worse to Sammi over the long haul than she ever could. As the kids wait for the cab, a crow lands ominously on the flagpole outside their house. Snooki gives a shout-out to the duck phone (we miss you, buddy!) when she says the crow began quacking at them. She worries that it foretells one of their deaths. Again, another ideal time for Angelina to still be here. Missed opportunity! Vinny leaves , sharing one last hug with his fellow MVP-ers. The final four share a group hug before Sitch and Pauly leave together, then Snooki and JWOWW pile into their own car. Everyone says a lot of things between these shots, but it's all pretty much drivel. Only right, really.
week: Reunion! Just in case the last two weeks of content stretched as thin as latex wasn't enough for you.