Previously: Angelina was the face of the double standard after she (s)hit where she ate. Things came to a boiling point after The Situation found a used feminine hygiene product on the floor of the bathroom, putting a whole new 'T' in GTL, y'all.
We rejoin World War Sheesh right after Angelina stepped up to Sitch for calling her, among other things, a "dirty little hamster." She gets in one good fist-to-face contact before her "real friends" (including some guy she met five minutes ago) hold her back. Ronnie and Sammi come back home and are actually surprised at the sight of it. For my part, I'm surprised that they haven't gotten used to this level of constant chaos by now. Sitch avoids Angelina, whose girlfriend brings the class hardcore by telling her, "You wanna fuck 10 guys in one day? You can. That's your fuckin' business." The best part is that this, while she's saying this, they pass by the random sap they brought home from the beach without batting an eyelash. Homeboy has no idea what he got into.
Pauly tells the guy he has to leave so they can attend to "family business." Being both willful and completely oblivious to context, Angelina argues that her "friend" should be able to stay. Pauly dismisses him, saying they can hook up later. The guy is more than happy to leave, though Angelina commands him to leave his phone number. Pauly interviews that he must have left her a fake phone number because why in the world would he want to get it in after seeing what havoc Angelina wreaks without even really trying?
After he leaves, Sitch tells Angelina that they're beyond hugging it out. She crossed an unforgivable boundary when she punched him in the face. Sammi advises her to stay away from the confrontation. Angelina justifies herself in an interview by saying the house has broken her down and she's "never been in so much drama." That she single-handedly created! She heads outside to cry, like a kid who got caught stealing candy.
Back inside, Vinny can't believe the girls are all up for fist-fighting this time around. Sitch consults with his boys over whether to forgive her, but he thinks physical contact (specifically punching, as opposed to JWOWW's slap fest in AC last year, apparently) is inexcusable. Pauly waits for Angelina's girlfriend to head outside before arguing that Angelina starts all this bullshit drama herself. He thinks Sitch should neither forgive her nor feel bad that she's crying, and the guys agree. The tribe has spoken, Schmolie.
Outside, Angelina goes off on how Sitch is psycho (pot-kettle) and old-looking (fair enough). Inside, the guys return to the much-less-valid argument that Angelina is a dirty whore and shouldn't be bringing boys home. Should have stopped while they were ahead. Angelina worries about what she'll do when her friend leaves, vowing to punch everyone in the house in the face if provoked. And on this show, I could see it happening. These producers don't give a fuck. None of this weak-ass "no contact" stuff like on the Real World. Back inside, the guys lighten up as they start laughing about moving Angelina's bed outside, then throwing her into the garbage bags from whence it came. Angelina takes a more serious tone, saying these people are not her true friends (really?!) and that she misses her real life.
JWOWW returns with Tom, and Sitch apprises her of the blow-up. He thinks Angelina only stepped up to him because she knows he wouldn't hit back and that she'd be too scared to test the waters with any of the other girls. JWOWW unexpectedly sticks up for Angelina (not to The Situation's face, mind you). She interviews that she thinks Angelina has earned her spot in the house by the amount of confrontation's she's been in and her sheer stick-to-it-iveness. Way to think like a producer, Ms. Farley. JWOWW finds Angelina and invites her into the ultra-exclusive "I Hit Michael Sorrentino Club." Angelina's in no mood for commiserating, though, and wonders aloud whether she should leave the house. She's had her fill of "mental abuse" -- again, all of her own creation -- but JWOWW urges her to stick around, saying she deserves it. Angelina is surprised by JWOWW's encouraging words. I'm sure JWOWW is up to no good, but it's certainly a way to keep the shit storm raging. Hell, as long as it keeps things interesting enough that we never have to hear about Ronnie and Sammi again, I'm okay with this plan.
Eventually the various cliques within the house decide to go out, and the guys have a repeat of last week's festive, giggle-filled singing about "T-Shirt tiiiiiiiiime!" Sitch calls the cab, and there's a round of hilarity when the dispatcher are very confused about this passenger that calls himself The Situation. Sitch also beckons the Canadian trick he met in da club -- the one who was hot enough he almost fucked in the bathroom, if you'll recall. He gives her a tour of the house, presumptuously asking her which pajamas she wants for later that night, and calling dibs on the Communal Smush Room.
Everyone heads out, where Angelina meets up with Jose so she can "steer clear of the drama." I suspect that would have been easier if she went to a different club. Come the eff on, woman. Across the club somewhere, Sitch cannot help but court the attention of several ladies, even though he's basically on a date -- albeit as low-rent of a date as I ever saw. Perhaps it's some sort of a test because when Sitch's bitch almost issues a beat-down on the other tricks for trying to take her mans, she seals her place in the CSR. For that night, at least. Sitch even brags to the house mates about her ballsy behavior. What's the Canadian guidette equivalent of chivalry?
Some time later, the gang heads back to the house. As Vinny explains, "Mike brought the Canadian back, eh, and he wanted to show the Canadian what The Situation was all aboot." It's worth mentioning that all of this is happening to the rousing tune of Menya's "D.T.F." Yes, this is a real song. What heights we've risen to as a culture! They head into the CSR. Out in the kitchen, the guys laugh as they open a package of Nutella and realize it's made in Canada. Vinny calls to the other room in an effort to inform Sitch's trick of this coincidence, but she can't hear a damn thing because she is wailing like a banshee. She is a full-on screamer. At which point the Canadian anthem begins playing in the background. Angelina incredulously asks, "And I'm the whore?" As if how loud you fuck has anything to do with your personal level of skank. Vinny thinks Sitch has found his future wife because she's the only person as crazy as him. All the while, Sammi is actively shushing people to get an earful, Angelina's friend is retching, and Jose is laughing that "she's a nice slut." For the grand finale, we hear the Maple Missus moaning, "Oh God," and interview footage of Sitch -- with a Canadian flag behind him -- declaring, "I love Canada!"
A bit later, Angelina inexplicably invites Jose into The Situation's bed for their hook-up. What is wrong with her? She actually has to fight him for it, eventually winning on the ground that Sitch will be in the CSR all night. Lest you think Angelina might ever be right about anything, Sitch and the bitch finish their bidness, and he heads back into his room for a little post-coital nap. Oh, but there's Angelina! And he can't even sleep in the used tampon bed because Angelina's friend is there. To her credit, she earned it by having to listen to Angelina and Jose hook up all night. Sitch is pretty irritated that Angelina didn't even bother asking if she could borrow his bed, but he's mellow enough not to pick an early morning fight about it since he just ejaculated.
That morning, the boys serve up a full English breakfast and Canadian bacon sandwiches to Samantha, who has no sense of shame aboot it whatsoever. Vinny and Pauly tease her about whether she's coming back, though they suspect Sitch will send her back to the Great White North post-haste now that he's gotten what he wants. As they eat, Jose thanks Sitch for letting him stay in his bed. Some time later, Sitch makes a point of calling out Angelina for not being as respectful as her bed buddy. Angelina begrudgingly says thanks, knowing that Sitch's talk of mutual respect will not forestall another confrontation after Jose leaves.
Angelina's friend leaves that afternoon, weirdly telling Angelina that she's proud of her. And why would that be? Angelina worries that her "serenity" is leaving and justifies her bitch-ass behavior by saying she has no real friends in the house. Not to sound like a broken round, but you have no friends because you're a bitch, honey. Not the other way around.
As predicted, Sitch holds a powwow with MVP, JWOWW, and Snooki a bit later to grouse about Angelina taking over his bed. Even JWOWW recognizes that it was dick move, crazier than she could have imagined given the shit that went down just hours before. Why Angelina didn't just put her friend in Sitch's bed (or on the couch, which is probably cleaner than all of those beds anyway), I couldn't tell you. Sometimes I have to remind myself that relentless stupidity is the Occam's Razor binding this house full of nut jobs together. At any rate, Sitch revisits the topic with Angelina when she emerges from the bathroom. He insists all he wanted was an apology or a thank-you like Jose gave. Angelina claims she did thank him, but he says it was only because he forced her to so it doesn't count. And that's unlike now how?
Angelina stands her ground and tells Sitch to drop it. Of course her response only prolongs this dumb-ass conflict further. He tells her right back to "drop [her] fuckin' big ass," and she tells him, "Drop your ugly face." At that, he calls her a loser. JWOWW interviews that she feels for Angelina a bit since Sitch is a button pusher and is treating her like shit. Angelina repeats JWOWW's words that she deserves to be here, saying she's been nice to everyone and has only been stepped all over. She adds that if anyone wants to say anything, they should say it to her face, then they'll fight. Like me, Sitch can no longer resist the urge to laugh in her face. It's refreshing to see he's realized that you can't argue with crazy. That'll save a lot of energy. He calls her a fraud. She interviews that she no longer wants to have anything to do with these people. So then why be there? Living with these imbeciles for one more week is no badge of honor, dear. You're not earning points for Heaven. If you don't like these people or want to be around them, leave for criminy's sake.
The morning, we're treated to a vignette of Pauly walking around the house and waking up the whole gang with a voice like an air horn. We've had many such vignettes featuring il mio cuore Pauly D. He seems to be the most good-humored and level-headed kid in the house in many ways. Also? Motorcycle-proof!
And then it's time for some GTL. On the way, the guys notice that the car reeks something fierce. After some digging, they discover a many-days-old grilled cheese sandwich under the floor mat. Says Sitch, "Angelina probably left the Swiss cheese in the car because we all know that rats love cheese."
Back at the house, Angelina pushes JWOWW to tell her the latest round of trash-talking about. JWOWW asks if she's going to leave, weirdly wondering why she might want to leave. The question, dear JWOWW, is why would she not want to leave. I suppose the grim reality of having to pay for Valtrex on the outside might keep her around a little longer. JWOWW says Angelina, who is now crying (again), is not listening to anyone advice and is basically a ticking time bomb.
Gelato shop. Snooki shares with Enzo the checklist of all the traits in her ideal Guido juicehead. She mourns that she's the same position as she was last summer. Enzo, though, is not entirely amused and sends her outside to mop the patio. She attempts it for about five seconds before leaving.
At home, JWOWW has a tearful goodbye with Tom, then Snooki returns with her list:
- Tan Guido Juicehead Gorilla
- Big sense of humor
- Likes to party
- Fist pumps
- Frolics
- Isn't a jerk-off
- A dork at heart
- Smells good
- Pays for meals
- Nympho
- Likes pickles
- Takes an interest in my hobbies
- Is very protective
- Not so serious
- Romantical
- Likes to sleep in
JWOWW and Snooki makes it their personal mission to visit everywhere in Miami and find a man who fulfills all these requirements. Well, Snickers, I know several places on South Beach where you can find men who like to frolic, but somehow I don't think you're they're type.
The guys come home post-GTL. JWOWW and Snooki spread the word Angelina is considering leaving, and the house mates can barely contain their various stages of delight and/or apathy. Things are eerily peaceful in the house until Angelina makes a point of mopily walking through the middle of all of them and to the bathroom in the hopes that they take the bait. Of course they do, with JWOWW jumping first and asking if she's okay. She interviews that the main reason she doesn't want to leave is because she thinks it will mean that she let these a-holes win. Sitch engages her and asks her what she's going to do. He's actually just asking her about da club that night, I think, but she makes it some big, obscure metaphor for her place in the house. The guys wonder what the Hell kind of cryptic bull she's spewing, so she answers even more cryptically, "I'm gonna figure out what I wanna do, and I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do." Yeah, I think this just went from cryptic to inarticulate.
Sitch is clearly over her crap, and gives her a lukewarm, "That's cool." Seeing that the interest in waning, she adds, "Because obviously none of you like me." Remember that whole thing about trying to be friendly and honest with people? I call bullshit. This is exactly how she's been the entire time. And them's fighting words. She calls them all fake. Sitch tells her that he can speak for everyone when he says that she can do like she did in Jersey and get the fuck out. He interviews that she seems to think it's some sort of burden on them if she leaves, like they care at all. And it's true, I have no doubt they'd find something else to talk about if she were gone. She's just so lame. Witness: She follows up Sitch's comment by asking, "Oh yeah? Anybody else?" Clearly she was just trying to stir them up so she could instigate another fight. Ugh, worthless. Notice that no one responds.
The crowd disperses to get ready for the night out. Since no one sunk to her level, Angelina ups her game by going in her bed to crawl under the covers and pout. Sitch says she expected the others to ask her to come out with her, which is just nonsensical to be the way Angelina sees this whole scenario.
The original seven head out and have the time of their lives. Pauly meets up with his Cubana trick Rocio, but he has to tell her that he's heading back to Rhode Island soon. They're mutually enamored, and she tells him she feels like "the happiest, luckiest girl ever." He jokes back, "That's how I feel: The happiest, luckiest girl, too!" Oh, how I heart him.
Meanwhile, Snooki isn't have as much luck or happiness. She is failing at ticking the boxes on her check list, so she settles for a guy who's sorta tan, sorta built. He isn't as forward as the gorillas she's used to, though, so she interrupts his goofy dancing and literally throws him down onto a banquette. Skirt rising above her ass cheeks, she commands him, "Make out with me." Eventually he does, and Vinny reminds us that Angelina once brought this guy home. Vinny's surprised at Snooky's brass (or desperation?). As Snooki tongues this poor leftover down, JWOWW sits by idly smoking a cigarette and shaking her head.
Back home, Angelina packs her stuff to leave. She claims she didn't want to skulk out like a coward, but the way she places her suitcases right by the door of the courtyard shows she wants everyone to see it as they drunkenly stumble inside, providing maximum possibility for theatrics. Contrived doesn't even begin to cover it. Not to mention that she is literally waiting for them on the couch.
They all eventually pile into cabs and come home, screaming and pointing as they walk in. A smile creeps across her face. It's just as she wanted. The development she didn't plan for was Snooki to bring home her former hook-up. She recalibrates and decides on a more indirect attack, talking trash to the guy about her roommates. They shoot back by bringing up Jose. The man in the middle tries to return to Snooki, but she tells him to go back and have fun with Angelina. Snooki interviews that it's not the first time Angelina has picked up where she left off, smush-wise.
Snooki calls out Angelina for taking her sloppy seconds. Angelina claims she doesn't care what they all think, then makes a big show of screaming from the mountain that they're all fake and that she can't stand any of them. A little contradictory, no? If she really didn't care, wouldn't she just leave and move on with her life? Nope, she has to have her moment. The same moment that is obviously going to blow up in her face because she's not self-assured enough to take on everyone once they gang up on her, even though she's practically begging them to.
Snooki takes the bait. She pulls off her earrings and marches over for a serious girl fight. Much hair-pulling and rolling around on the floor ensues. Sitch even moves the table -- not so they don't hurt themselves, mind you, but so nothing happens to the table. Heh. JWOWW momentarily breaks it up, but this joint is far from over. Ronnie does a heavyweight boxing-style announcement of the two opponents: "Standing in one corner, four-foot-nine, two inches with a pouf, Snooki Polizzi! Standing in the other corner at 322 pounds, the Staten Island Dump!" Snooki charges back at Angelina and starts throwing candy at her. Angelina steps up, and they roll around on top of the big, blue bean bag with the others straight-up laughing at them.
They break up again, and Snooki starts hardcore taunting Angelina. Ronnie notes that it's not really a fair fight since Snooki's practically toddler-size and has the reach-around capabilities of a T-Rex. (Side note: Mark this occasion, friends, because it's the one occasion Ronnie will ever be funny or clever.) Pauly asks if the fight is going to be a decision or a knock-out prompting a peel of laughter all around. Finally Angelina makes the decision for everyone by starting to walk out, screaming as she goes for her former hook-up to "have fun with her, too, because... sorry... she's nobody." She really lost some steam on that one. Clearly had nothing good to say in the first place, then couldn't even pull a zinger out of a veritable gold mine. A fitting farewell, really. One that's easily overshadowed when Pauly deadpans, "Welcome to my house!"
She stomps outside barefoot and takes a last chance to indict Sammi and Ronnie of not being the true friends she thought they were. They're basically like, "Shut up, you jackass. Nobody likes you." I'm paraphrasing, of course, because what do the specifics really matter at this point? And after all this, Angelina says she secretly hoped someone would ask her to stay. Man, what an idiot. There's a bit more back-and-forth between the three least compelling people in the house, and Sitch finally starts waving at her like, "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out." She tells him to get some Botox, and he tells her she's a fucking loser.
Sitch compares Angelina calling him fake to blasphemy, likening himself to a leader in a country where "you would get hung for that type of shit." Okay, come back to Earth, Sitch. Back inside, Vinny and JWOWW climb into bed and mull over what just happened. She wonders what's going through Angelina's head, and Vinny says at least she went out with a bang. JWOWW says she honestly thinks it's for the good of the house that Angelina left, and I'm not going to get into the hypocrisy of that statement when she was just hours before encouraging Angelina to stay... Meanwhile, Sammi says she feels bad how things ended. Ronnie wonders why and says that every fight Sammi got into in the house was because of Angelina. Like what he did there? When in fact he was the cause of all those fights with his gross creeping. Still, Angelina's a shrew, so it's not even worth questioning these statements. Especially when my sweet Pauly reminds us that Angelina slapped him in the face.
Outside, Angelina has barely gotten her bag in the cab before Pauly is inviting Vinny into the newly christened MVP room and showing him where he can put his stuff in the closet space Angelina once occupied. Adios, Schmolie.
week: Are we really talking about the note again? And Sitch robs Vinny of a DTF chick again. Wah waaaaaaaaah.
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